9JKL (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - Relationship Guy - full transcript

Whoa! The bachelor pad's

- looking good, Josh.
- Ah, thanks, man.

Yeah, I got rid of my parents' old
furniture... it's nice to sit on stuff

that's not permanently shaped
like my father's ass.

Ah. Yep, looking real good...

from out here.

Oh. I'd invite you in, but...
I guess you're working.

- Jerry, I'm gonna take a ten.
- Oh.

Ah.

So, what you got going on, man?

You're newly divorced,
you're back in New York...



Ooh, if I was you, this place would be

a revolving door of one-night stands.

Oh, it will be.

I love me a one-night stand!

Last one I had was a girl
I took home from IKEA.

Yeah, let's just say that
it was a one-night stand

on a new nightstand,
you know what I mean?

Oh, I know, I know.

Okay, okay, yeah, fine,
give me all the juicy deets.

- Uh, okay, okay, here's one.
- Okay. Yeah.

- Her name was Lisa Joan Furman.
- Lisa Joan Furman.

We were in a play together
one summer in Williamsburg.

- Williamsburg.
- Our Town.

I was George. She was Emily.



- Don't care, keep going.
- Okay.

Got trashed at the wrap party,
had a wild night...

- Nasty.
- Then in the morning,

she went home to Orlando.

After a few e-mails back and forth,

we both decided it would be best
if she got back together

with her high school
boyfriend! Ugh! Up top!

Put that down.

That's not a one-night stand, man.

Jerry, that ten just turned into a five.

A sad five.

Can you believe I've
never had a one-night stand?

- We can.
- Easily.

What's that supposed to mean?

You don't have the...

constitution for a one-night stand.

- Sure I do.
- No. You're a serial monogamist.

Yeah, high school girlfriend,
college girlfriend,

a string of six-monthers,
and then you married Kim.

Oh, and don't forget your
lifelong love affair with Mom.

Great. Well, just 'cause I've
been in a lot of relationships

doesn't mean I can't have
a night of casual sex.

- Doesn't it?
- I can have casual sex.

Can you?

Of course I can.

And my divorce is an opportunity
for me to reinvent myself.

Yeah, that's right, people...
Tonight the kid is gonna do

something he should have done
in his early 20s.

Stop calling himself "the kid"?

No. Have an actual one-night stand.

Finally. It's about time
you stopped counting Lisa Joan Furman,

who, by the way, I banged.

You said you just ran
into her at the airport.

No, I said I rammed into her.

Whatever. Tonight, I'm gonna go out,

find some random woman,
and make love to her.

What?

Don't say "make love."
You're not a white R&B singer.

Why? What are you supposed to say?

Uh, "do it."

- "Get busy."
- "Hump."

"Pound."

"Drill."

"Ride."

- "Nail."
- "Bang."

"Plow."

"Slam."

- Should I go?
- Shh...

Oh, God!

What?

We already had bananas.

Well, I didn't know that.

Well, you helped me
unpack them this morning.

That must be why they were on my mind.

There's no way
we can eat all these bananas

before they go bad.

What a disaster.

Judy, you're overreacting.

Well, it's a catastrophe.

You said disaster... Make up your mind!

It's both!

All right, all right,
I'll just throw them out.

Oh, really? You, Harold Saul Roberts,

are gonna waste perfectly good fruit?

Watch me.

I can't do it.

Man, it's weird
being in a bar this long.

In the old days, I would have
gone home with a girl by now.

All right, Josh, we're
not paying our babysitter

so that we can stand here and chitchat.

So point to an ass,
and let us help you tap it.

I don't need your help.

Looks like someone
already likey the Joshy.

Wow, that makes me want
to makey the pukey.

I'll see you guys tomorrow morning.

Hi. How you doing?

Hi. Has anyone ever told you
that you look exactly like

the guy from that show, Blind Cop?

Uh, what if I told you
I am the guy from Blind Cop.

No way!

My mother and I loved that show.

Aw. Are you and your mom close?

Ew. Why is he staring
into her eyes like that?

He's probably picturing
her in a wedding dress.

Would it be weird if we
FaceTime my mom right now?

Um, I think it'd be weird if we didn't.

Wha-What is happening?

I think they're syncing up
their periods.

I can't wait to meet you,
either, Katie's mom.

Oh, no.

The call dropped.

Look, what are you doing?
FaceTiming the mother?

It's like you're trying
to un-tap that ass.

Luckily for you, Andrew
and I are here to help,

and we both have a lot of
one-night stands under our belts.

Now, the key is to stay
completely detached...

So don't ask any personal questions.

Or look for common interests.

Yeah, and don't caress her arm
or tuck her hair behind her ear

or do any of that other yuck
that comes so naturally to you.

Well, I don't want to insult her.

Josh, women like one-night stands

just as much as men.

And your assumption
that every girl wants more

is actually a little sexist.

Yeah, Josh.

Okay, okay, I'll give your way a shot.

Um... all right.

What about that girl?

She's wearing pants...
She's not down to pound.

Okay. Uh... what about her?

That's a guy...
But the way this is going,

we'll put a pin in him for later.

Oh. There's your girl.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going over.

All right, and I'll turn my back
so she doesn't think

she's settling for second place.

- Hi. How you doing?
- Good.

Mmm, this has been fun.
Should we get another?

Sure. Maybe we should get one
back at my place.

Yes, please.

Seriously? I mean, cool.
Whatever. I don't care.

Just gonna grab my coat.

Grab it, don't grab it...
Doesn't matter to me.

- So should I not...
- No, grab it. That would be great.

It worked! She's coming
back to my place,

and all because of your very mean rules.

Your place? I would have gone
coatroom, taxi, in an alley,

up against a Dumpster...
Those are the classics.

But I get it... You're easing into this.

It's not a problem as long as

tomorrow morning
you get her out of there

- as quickly as possibly.
- Right.

Here is my signature move.

When she wakes up, hand her
a breakfast burrito in a bag,

so she knows it's time to go.

Don't let her accidentally
leave anything behind.

And keep your hands
in your pockets at all times

so there's no danger
of exchanging contact info

or weirdly hugging her.

Okay. Burrito, no leave-behinds,
hands in pockets.

Is cuddling...

- Shut your stupid mouth.
- Right. Okay, right.

What?

You gave me a burrito in a bag.

Did I?

Yeah. The morning after
our first night together.

In fact, everything you
just told him to do

is exactly what you did to me.

Was I supposed to be a one-night stand?

Would it bother you if you were?

Uh, yeah, I think it would.

Then no...

you were not.

Do you want to know why I don't have

a banana in my oatmeal this morning?

- No, but I feel the answer's coming.
- Hmm?

It's because you created
this banana nightmare,

and I'm not gonna fix it.

Still with the bananas?

Oh, the bananas are
just the tip of the iceberg.

You don't pay attention. Harry?

You don't pay attention,

and it affects me.

Well, you've got my attention now.

You leave the toilet seat up
in the middle of the night,

my bare tush dips into the water.

You put empty Haagen-Dazs containers

in the freezer... I go
for a spoonful, I'm devastated.

You don't pay

your parking tickets,

so there's a boot on the car
on New Year's Eve,

and I can't go see my wonderful sister

or her terrible new facelift.

Well, I've always been forgetful.

Why all of a sudden does it bother you?

No, it's bothered me for 50 years...
I just haven't said anything,

because, like in any marriage,
I pick my battles.

What battle haven't you picked?

You once iced me out for an entire week

because you didn't like
the whooshing sound

of my windbreaker.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I felt like I was married to a sailboat.

Well, if it means that much to you,

I'll take care of the bananas.

Thank you.

Ring, ring!

It's for you.

Take a message.

Hmm.

Breakfast burrito?

Oh. Wow, thanks.

Um, could I take it to go?

Sure can.

And I took the liberty
of getting your stuff together.

Well, I don't have to leave yet.

Want to go again?

I do, but I'm not sure
if I'm allowed to.

Ah. Morning.

You're in a good mood! I was worried

you'd still be bummed about last night.

Oh, you mean about me being
a one-night stand?

No, not at all.

'Cause you know what I realized?

I was being a hypocrite,

as I also intended for you
to be a one-night stand.

What's funny?

You left your sweater behind

so you would have a reason
to see me again.

I left my sweater behind

'cause I woke up
with my arms looking swole,

and I thought it would be a crime

to keep these puppies locked
in a cashmere cage.

You also sent me flowers.

Yes. Those were get well flowers,

since I broke your heart

and, quite possibly, your tailbone.

And you e-mailed me later that same day,

asking when you could see me again.

Yeah, I did. I wanted to get
my sweater back,

because Josh has wimpy arms
and I thought he could use it.

Well, thank you for the fun night, uh...

Doesn't matter.

But it was fun, uh...

Josh.

Honestly, I thought it was Neal.

Honestly, I love that.

Okay. Well, uh...

Oh.

Bye. Bye.

Uh, that was really weird.

I don't want to end on that.

Can we just have a normal hug?

- Sure.
- Okay.

- Josh!
- Okay. Good times. Bye.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Ah, who was that?

Nobody.

- Quite a body for a nobody.
- Mom.

Fine. You'll tell me later.
I'm going for a walk.

Those bananas are staring at me
like I'm the bad guy.

Well, folks.

I did it. I had a one-night stand.

Nice. Tell me everything.

Not much to say.

It was awesome, and she left

without us learning
a single thing about each other.

What about her feelings, Josh?

You ever think about them?

Hey, if I had had sex with her
again this morning,

would it still count
as a one-night stand?

- Yeah.
- Damn it!

Uh-oh, I know that smile.

You finally did it, didn't you?

I'm not one to kiss and tell,

but I do whisper. Yes.

Oh, I'm proud of you, boy.

You finally had a one-night stand,

- and it only took you 50...
- 40.

40 years, yeah. How do you feel?

Good. I'm never gonna see her again,

and I couldn't be happier about it.

Uh-huh. I bet you hit it again
in the morning, too, didn't you?

It's adorable.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Joshua.

Hey, you.

Sometimes when I finish a banana,

I like to chase it down with one more.

- I'm sorry, what is happening here?
- Your father's pushing

his radical banana agenda
on our wonderful new friend.

Mom, a word?

- Yeah.
- Excuse us.

- What's she doing here?
- Oh, it's so funny.

I went downstairs this morning,

I stepped outside, I recognized her

from the elevator. We got to chatting,

we both realized we
were headed downtown,

next thing you know,
we're sharing a taxi,

and spending the whole day together.

What part of that is funny?

I don't know, maybe I told it wrong.

Oh, this one is special, Josh.

I have a really good feeling about her.

Okay, I'm not looking for
special or a good feeling.

She was a one-night stand.

Oh, don't say that.

You don't have one-night stands.

You're a good boy.

Not anymore.

Now I'm a bad boy,

said no bad boy ever.

Well,

I see a real future for you.

Do you know she's a child psychologist

who builds schools in
Guatemala in the summer?

Wow. That's amazing, but irrelevant.

I don't want to know any more about her.

She's one and done.

Oh, don't talk that way about Lily.

Lily? Damn it. That's one
of my favorite names.

All right, well, I'm gonna get going.

I had a really great time
with you today.

And I with you. Don't be a stranger.

Yeah.

- Listen, Lily...
- Before you say anything, I am so sorry.

I know this was only supposed
to be a one-night stand,

it's just one minute I'm hailing a cab,

and the next thing I know,

your mother's my new best friend.

And I find myself lost in
this, like, daylong Judy...

- Vortex...
- Vortex.

That's what I've called it
since tenth grade,

when I learned that word.

It perfectly describes it.

I know.

Well, I should probably...

Yeah. I totally have to, uh...

Ooh, someone came to play.

Wha...?

Oh, Dad!

Well, thanks for another fun night.

I'll, uh, see you when
I see you... if I see you.

Right. Hey, this
time before you hail a cab,

maybe walk a few blocks.

You know?

- For old time's sake?
- Sure.

Okay. Bye. Bye.

Yeah.

You make me sick.

No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

It's my mother's fault.

- Yeah, for raising such a ween.
- Who's a ween?

Josh. He slept with his
one-night stand again.

Ooh, a repeat customer.

Which means, it is no
longer a one-night stand.

No, no, no. It still counts.
It's just a one-night stand

with the same girl twice.
It's a two-night stand.

What the hell's a two-night stand?

The start of Josh's next
long-term relationship.

No. No.

He slept with Lily again.

He slept with Lily again?

Oh, God.

Ah, I told him there was
a future for them.

There's no future for us.
Neither of us wants a future.

- I didn't even get her number.
- Oh.

I have it.

- You do?
- Uh-huh.

You want it?

No. I do not.

That's too bad, because she told me

she hasn't been so comfortable
with someone

in a very long time.

Really? I felt comfortable
with her, too.

I know, but since it was just
a wham-bam, thank you, ma'am,

I guess I can get rid of this?

Why do you have a lighter?

It was in my pants
from the Streisand concert.

Do you know what Lily's
favorite movie is?

Oh, God. Please don't say

- Annie Hall. No!
- Annie Hall.

But since you don't want
to see her again.

Stop! I do want to see her again.

You guys were right, okay?

I'm not a one-night stand kind of guy.

- Obvi. Duh.
- Yeah.

Okay, I tried to be,
thought I could be, but I'm not.

I like being in a relationship.
It's just who I am.

Of course it is,
because you're not a bad boy.

You're a good boy.

As much as I'd like
to make fun of you right now,

it's recently come to my attention

that one-night stands
can be rather hurtful.

So, I say go to her, Josh.

And when your children ask
how you and Mommy met,

you'll have a story
you can tell them proudly.

Yeah, Joshy, call her.
Dial like the wind

and tell her exactly how you feel.

I say this with love, but as a family,

you need to grow a pair.

Andrew, come here.

There's something I have to show you.

I'm trying to wallow.

I thought you'd let it go by now,

but you've left me no choice.

All right.

This is the e-mail you sent me

the morning after we first boned.

So crass.

Sorry... made bone.

And these are the flowers you sent me.

And, of course, the sweater.

Oh, God, I love periwinkle.

See? So this proves that even though

I thought you'd be a one-night stand,

when you left my apartment
the next morning,

I knew I liked you.

Happy?

Thrilled.

But it doesn't prove that you liked me.

It proves that you loved me.

No, it doesn't.

You were head over heels from the second

you laid eyes on all of this.

Why else would you keep that stuff?

I kept trophies from all my conquests.

I was like a sexual serial killer.

Please, you loved me.

Why did I show you this crap?

- Huge mistake.
- Yeah.

But since we're being
honest with each other,

I guess I should tell you.

The first time we made bone...

I was making love.

You're a tough one to
figure out, Josh Roberts.

One minute you're super detached,

the next, you're super cuddly.

Who are you?

Okay, well,

the truth is, I wasn't totally

being myself before.

I'm actually more
of a relationship guy, but...

I'm a relationship girl.

- You are?
- Through and through.

But after so many jerks who
only want one-night stands,

I've had to put up this, like, guard,

and pretend that's all I want, too.

Well, no more pretending; you
can let your guard down with me.

Oh, such a relief.

Come on out, lifetime-commitment Lily.

I'm sorry, who?

Oh, that's what my friends all call me.

'Cause you're such a committed friend?

'Cause I want to get
married, like, yesterday.

Wow, that guard is just
crumbling on down, isn't it?

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Okay.

I hunted your mother down
and made her think

she orchestrated the whole
day, but really, it was me.

Uh-huh...

- Can I tell you another secret?
- Sure.

I think I love you.

Just kidding.

I know I love you.

I'm so happy you know where I live.

How you doing over there, Harry?

Not great.

I don't know how monkeys do this.

You know what? I got this one.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're starting to make me sick.

Thank you.

And I promise to make
more of an effort from now on.

Ring, ring. Hello?

That's my girl.