9JKL (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - It Happened One Night - full transcript

And then your grandmother

came to America in 1921,
where she changed

- the family name...
- Dad, Dad.

Nine minutes ago,
this started as a toast

for Eve and my anniversary.

How did we get to Nana in 1921?

Sorry. A fast-forward

to the first winter of
the Great Depression.

Happy anniversary!

Here's to many more years together.

Have you guys given each
other your gifts yet?



Oh, no, we don't buy each other gifts.

Yeah, we buy what we
want for ourselves...

Wrap it, and then let the
other one give it to us.

Aw, so romantic. Why do you do that?

Because the first year we gave each
other gifts, they sucked.

- Mm-hmm.
- Your brother got me a fedora.

And she got me these awful low-top UGGs.

I bought you those.

The point is we have a system,

and it works.

Judy, don't forget,

Dick and Lenore Stevenson

are coming over tonight to play bridge.

Yay. Lenore Stevenson.



What's wrong with Lenore Stevenson?

Oh, she's just so competitive,

about cards, about life.

She's always trying to one-up me.

I like Dick Stevenson.

Well, that's only because he
never stops complimenting you.

I like compliments.

See, this is the difference
between your father and me.

He only sees the good in people.

And you only see the bad.

Well, it's easy to see the bad

when Lenore is so opinionated
and passive-aggressive.

Gee, I don't know
anyone like that, Judy.

Would you rather I were
aggressive-aggressive?

No. No.

Oh. I got to go.

My spin class starts in 20 minutes.

You are obsessed with that
class. Should I try it?

You should but you can't...

the instructor Sydney has,
like, a cult following.

Wait, Sydney from Star-Wheel?

Well, I-I read in Us Weekly
Beyoncé can't even get in.

How'd you get in?

Hey, I'm semi-famous.

And my friend Luke is dating Sydney.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Oh, ho-ho!
- Oh! Ha-ha!

You know, I know Malvino's
is a little more expensive,

- but it is so worth it.
- Yeah, man.

I never really think about money,

especially when it's yours.

Oh. Thank God you guys are here.

I need your help...
I got to break up with Sydney.

You can't break up with
Sydney... she's great.

And she'll kick us out
of her spin class.

I mean, she's fun and upbeat.

And she'll kick us out
of her spin class.

Yes, yes, she's amazing...
for 45 minutes at a time.

But it's hell being with
a spin instructor 24/7.

It's so much encouragement,
so much exercise, so much...

so much techno.

Dude, just tell her you want
to chill out a bit more.

I tried. Look, tonight I suggested

we have a mellow dinner at my place.

She suggested that we run the
stairs in between each course.

I mean, if I keep dating her,
yes, I might live forever,

but at what cost?

- Luke!
- Mm.

- Where are you?
- Oh, my God,

my body cramps up every
time I hear that voice.

I'm right here, babe!

- Hi! I thought I saw you...
- Hey!

Duck out on the ninth floor.

It's almost like you're hiding from me.

No. No. No, no. I just had to take

a little break from the stairs,

so I could do some push-ups.

Hey, Sydney.

Hey, row two, bike three!

Hey, come on.

Wow, you're eating... chicken wings.

Man, you're-you're so
much better than that.

Oh. I, uh... he ordered them.

Ah...

Sydney, this is our friend Nick,

who obviously doesn't care
what he puts into his body.

Nick, Nick, come on.

You're a handsome guy
with a great physique.

How can you fill it with
all those empty calories?

Uh...

I mean, because it tastes good.

All right. Come on, we still have

one more course and ten
more floors to run.

Yeah, uh, how about, how about
you go start steaming

the dessert kale? Hmm?

And I'll be right up.

Great! I'll see you back at
your place in 20 minutes.

- All right, let's do this!
- Ooh-hoo! Ooh!

I swear,

she is going to kill me.

I mean, it's all so
physical and exhausting.

Well, at least the sex must be good.

No. She never stops coaching me.

"Come on, you can do it, Luke.
Harder. Faster.

Push it! Get up that hill!"

What hill? What hill?!

We're in bed!

Look, I'm sorry, Josh,
but I cannot keep dating her

just so we can get into her spin class.

Okay, okay, then if you're gonna do it,

you have to break up with her
without getting us kicked out.

It can't be done.

It can. I've stayed friends

with every single girl
I've ever broken up with.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Oh, wait, no, that was a brag.

Congratulations, man!

My friends

used to call me "the breakup whisperer."

I guarantee there's a way
to break up with Sydney

without getting us kicked
out of her spin class.

Hey, I'm all ears.

And I'm all wings.

She hot, but she not gonna shame me.

It's always such a delight

having the two of you over for bridge.

Well, like I say, playing
bridge is like having sex...

if you don't have a good partner,

you better have a good hand.

Judy.

I'm always so impressed with your home.

Aw, thank you for the
nice compliment, Lenore.

Wasn't that nice, Judy?

Uh-huh!

The way you've decorated,

it just doesn't feel as small as it is.

Our townhouse,

well, sometimes it feels too big.

Well, I don't have to tell you.

You probably

saw it featured in Town & Country.

Yes, we saw that. You were so brave

to let them photograph you
from such a low angle.

So, who is up for a daiquiri?

I just got a new, fancy blender,
and you can be my first victim.

Listen, if loving your
beverages is a crime,

lock me up, Harry, lock me up!

So, how's Josh?

Oh, he's so...

Depressed?

Since the divorce, I mean.

And the cancellation of his show.

Actually, he's bounced
back quite nicely.

Hmm. Speaking of,
has your Gregory bounced back

since his lap-band surgery?

Oh, skinnier and better than ever.

Well, here we go.

Let's see if Team Roberts

can't put a win on the board.

Well, tonight might just be your night.

I'm already feeling a little loopy.

I'm afraid you accidentally got
a little strawberry mixed in

with all the rum.

And it's just for the fun... I mean,

who can even remember who's
won nine times in a row?

Oh. We did.

It was us.

What a wonderful memory
you have, Lenore.

I'm so glad it hasn't been affected

by all the marijuana smoke

coming out of your adult
daughter's bedroom.

Happy fifth anniversary, babe.

- I love you.
- I love you.

You're the best thing that's
ever happened to me.

All right. Ladies first.

May I have my gift?

As soon as you give it to me.

Okay. Here you go.

And here you go. Oh.

- Really hope you like it.
- Okay.

Oh, my God,

it's that record player
I've had my eye on

for the past six months!

How did you know?

I didn't.

Okay. Let me give you your gift.

Oh. I can't wait to see what I got you.

- Hmm?
- Hmm.

Ooh.

Hmm. What is this, this...?

The Titleist Silver Mist Putter

signed by Jordan Spieth.
Babe, you nailed it.

If you say so.

Oh. And this...

is also for you.

What? I didn't... get me anything else.

I know. I got it. Happy anniversary.

It's Wyatt's handprints.

We made it at Mommy and Me class.

- Aw...
- You like it?

It's amazing. I love it.

Aw.

- But...
- What?

Well, I didn't get you
anything... I feel bad.

Oh. Honey, no, don't feel bad.

Here, you give it to me now.

Okay. Uh...

I got you this.

Oh!

What?

Wyatt's handprints?

Thank you.

No, this isn't working.

Okay, the best way to
break up with someone

is to be honest, loving and kind.

Or you can simplify
it and lie like hell.

Here's some of my greatest hits.

"My gam-gam's sick in Florida."

Or, or...

"I'm enlisting in the Army."

Or, or...

my personal favorite:

"I'm dying."

You told some girl you're dying?

- Yeah.
- What if you run into her again?

"I'm cured!"

Look, that's great,

except I can't take Sydney's
spin class if I'm dead.

Yeah, yeah, listen,
you don't have to lie.

You just have to make her see

why this is the best move for
her and not just for you.

Seems easier just to lie.

No. No lying. Just remember,

you're not breaking her heart,
you're setting it free.

- Mm.
- Try it.

What, like, now?

Like, right now.
Yeah, let's do some role-play.

Like, in an acting exercise.

- Nick, have a seat.
- Mm.

And, Luke, you just pretend

that Nick here is Sydney.

Oh, wait, I don't think Nick wants...

You got somethin' to say to me?

- Well... Sydney...
- Mm-hmm?

You are an amazing... woman.

Ha. Tell me something I don't know.

I just feel like you
deserve someone who,

uh, who doesn't travel as much as I do.

I like when you travel, because it
gives me time to do my own thing.

My nails, my own TV shows,

and read through your e-mails

to make sure you not
still talking to Antonia.

Nick...

Sydney...

Mm-hmm?

I'm exhausted.

I think we should break up.

Oh, you better not leave me,
'cause I will kill myself

and tell the police
that you did it, okay?

Yeah, I can't do this.

Okay, I'm tapping in.

Watch and learn. Believe me,

this works.

Sydney...

Hi, boo.

I take this trick,
and we've made our contract.

Harry, could you help me

with something in the kitchen, please?

What is it?

I forgot to bring out the mini quiches.

Oh. Oh, I do love a tiny food.

Are they ham? Spinach?

Ham and spinach?

There are no quiches, Harry.

I think Lenore and Dick are cheating.

- On each other?
- No.

On us. Lenore kicked me under the table.

I think she was trying
to give Dick a signal.

They're cheating, Harry.

There you go again,

seeing the bad and assuming the worst.

Then you tell me, Mr. Sunshine,
why is she kicking?

Maybe she has restless legs syndrome.

It's a very misunderstood ailment.

Your leg shakes... what's to understand?

Harry, I'm not gonna let her kick.

I'm gonna block her.

Judy, they're not cheating.

You've had it out for Lenore

ever since she showed up
in the same outfit as you

at the Sherman's costume party in '93.

She knew I was going as Murphy Brown!

Look, I know I've only been
with you for a month now,

but I can't even put into
words how much fun I've had.

Me, too.

But, it's also been hard.

- Now, you see what I did there?
- I mean,

yeah, that is good.

I like that.

Because I've seen firsthand

how amazing and beautiful
and full of life you are.

I get most of that from my gam-gam.

But I've realized I can't keep up.

And the longer we stay together,
the longer I'm preventing you

from meeting the man you're
supposed to spend your life with.

Okay. Okay, let's break up.

Um...

but can we have sex one more
time before I hit the road?

Uh, uh...

bad time?

Okay, okay.

I think I got it.
I'm gonna go talk to Sydney.

I'm just gonna pretend
there's a little you

inside me.

I heard it and I stand by it.

- Good luck. You got this, Luke.
- Get it, brother.

Josh, I need some advice
about a present for Eve.

But, um, why don't you knock on the wall

when you two are done banging?

Ah! I think we're gonna
win this one, Dick.

I'm sure you do.

Judy, I need a break.

Anybody care for another daiquiri?

Harry, my boy, I'll take anything

you want to pour down my throat.

Oh, look, there's that low angle again.

Excuse me, I didn't
sleep well last night.

Yeah, Lenore's got that
restless legs syndrome.

Really? Restless legs syndrome?

Did you hear that, Judy?

Just blend the drinks, Harry.

Yeah, 'cause I'm getting
restless glass syndrome.

You got it, Dick.

Oh.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- Oh...

I must have blown the circuit.

I'll go flip the fuse.

Mm-hmm.

Ow!

Talk about things that go
bump in the night.

Ah, Dick,

you crack me... ow!

And now, I want to be thoughtful

and surprise Eve with
a really sweet gift

that I think of.

So, can you think of anything?

Hold up, hold up. Wh-Wh-What
was the gift that she gave you?

Wyatt's handprints and a note that said,

"I love you, Daddy."

- Aw...
- Aw...

That's exactly the reaction I
want when I give her the gift.

How do I get an "aw"?

All right, you got to
go sentimental, bro.

Like, one time, for Kim,

I rented a hot air balloon and...

And you got divorced. Pass.

Okay, okay, well, you might
not know this about me,

but I'm a bit of crooner.

And that makes the ladies swoon.

♪ When I lick up on your shoulder ♪

Okay, okay.

I got to go, 'cause that
makes me very uncomfortable.

But, it also gave me a very good idea.

Thank you, boys.

Wow.

We are giving romantic advice
left and right tonight, boy.

Mm. We should start a business.

We are very good at this.

- Heck yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, that couldn't have gone worse.

And yet another blow to
the small business owner.

What happened?

I was honest, using your words,

and she said it didn't sound like me.

And then I panicked,
told her they were your words.

Why would you do that?

Don't yell at me.
We could've avoided all this

if you had let me lie to
her like a regular man.

Okay, so, now what?

Well, now she's real mad.

We're both kicked out of spin class.

Okay, I'm gonna go catch
her and comfort her

because she's a human being and
I want us back in that class.

Come on, Andrew! Dinner's ready!

Before we eat,

I have a little anniversary
surprise for you.

You do?

I do, and I think

you're going to enjoy it.

- Do I know this song?
- I should hope so...

since you're sleeping with the
guy playing the saxophone.

This is you?

It's a recording of the show
my band played at the bar

on the night I asked you out.

No way. At the Halloween party.

Thank you! Happy Halloween!

We are Jazz-Ma-Cadabra!

You remember that night?

Yeah.

It was hilarious.

Come on, let's eat.

I got it! Ow!

Yay!

And Harry said, "Let there be light."

All right, now we can
get back to where...

Wait a minute!

Dick's dummy hand is
different than it was

before the lights went out.

What are you talking about?

There were four hearts
before the lights went out,

and now there are five hearts.

So? So...

I am a woman of integrity,

much like '90s icon Murphy Brown.

Judy, please.

She added a heart.

Under cover of darkness,
she added a heart.

I did not!

Oh, you are a cheater...
and I've always known it.

And that's how you've
beaten us nine times in a row.

I think I'm having chest pains.

That kick under the table,
that wasn't restless legs syndrome.

We don't even play for money...
why would I be cheating?

I don't know, you tell me.

- Now I feel it in my jaw.
- Honey,

- are you okay?
- Nice.

Now you have Dick faking a heart attack

to cover your crimes against humanity?

I'm not... faking.

He doesn't look good, Judy.

Oh, someone call 911!

Okay, I'll go get Andrew.
But just to be clear,

I still think he's faking...
but it's a convenient way

to remind you that my son is a doctor.

Sydney, Sydney, wait.

- What?
- I can see that you're angry...

I'm so angry, I'm
considering eating a burger.

With bun.

Okay, but you can't kick
us both out of class.

- Why the hell not?
- Because it's the only exercise

I've ever loved, and I'm 40,

and there are just certain parts

- that are harder to keep toned.
- Well, maybe

you should have thought
of that before you

helped your friend break up with me.

Sydney, you have to let
me back in your class.

Give me one good reason.

I'm dying.

Dick, how are you feeling? Talk to me.

I can't breathe, and I feel like

there's a massive weight on my chest.

It's called guilt,
from all your years of cheating.

All right, I'm gonna
listen to your heart...

No, no, that's okay...
I'm feeling better.

No, no, no... No, that's...

You were cheating!

Oh, now I'm feeling worse.

Oh, knock it off, Dick... the jig is up.

- All right. I guess we should go, then.
- Yeah.

Just for that, I'm sending you a bill.

Guess this joker's leaving the deck.

Not funny anymore, Dick.

I owe you an apology, Judy.

You're right... I do only
see the good in people.

And you have since the
first moment I met you.

At that diner in Yonkers.

Mm-hmm. That waitress said
you only gave her a five,

but you'd given her a ten.

- I believed her.
- And I didn't.

I'll never forget how
you looked that night.

Me, either. You in that velvet blazer

and the Beatles haircut,
your dark sunglasses.

You ordered a strawberry milkshake,

and "Twist and Shout" was
playing on the jukebox.

- Aw...
- Aw...

You guys just gave me an idea.

A good idea!

Yeah. Huh.

I don't usually leave here
happier than when I came in.

We are back in the spin class!

Hey!

And I got you a bike, too.

Aw, thanks, man.
But I'm strictly a Zumba guy.

I can't believe

you got us back in... how'd you do it?

Well, remember when I said,
"Don't lie"? I lied.

What'd you tell her?

Well, let's just say I
have six months to a year

to find a new class.

- Mm.
- Hey, you know what?

This is a big moment for our friendship.

We made it through our first breakup.

Yeah, we did. Proud of us.

- Me, too.
- Mm-hmm!

Look at us...

just three single guys.

Yup. All alone.

Yep.

I suddenly feel kind of sad.

Want to eat your feelings away?

- I'm gonna order some more wings.
- There it is.

You ready for your anniversary surprise?

- I literally cannot wait.
- All right, don't you laugh.

I'm feeling a little self-conscious.

Ooh. Are you gonna strip for me?

Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

You look exactly the way you
looked the night we first met.

I know, and you
still fell in love with me.

Why are you doing this?

I wanted to recreate the
best night of my life,

the night I met you.

Oh...

Yes. There it is.

I told you we didn't waste
money on those lessons.

Uh, bad time?

Aw, there's no such thing.

We brought anniversary cake.

You can keep playing...
you won't bother us.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

This doesn't ruin your "aw," does it?

No. Nothing ever could.

Awesome.