8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - Episode #7.9 - full transcript
It's Antoinette Ryan, Seann Walsh and Sean Lock vs. Joe Wilkinson and Danny Dyer. Bill Bailey joins Susie Dent in Dictionary Corner.
This programme contains
strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...
Sean Lock...
Joe Wilkinson...
Danny Dyer...
Seann Walsh...
Bill Bailey...
Susie Dent...
And Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
A show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example,
Lionel Blair's is
Cockney rhyming slang for flares,
whereas Tony Blair's is Cockney
rhyming slang for a Jeremy Hunt.
LAUGHTER
13,350 people in the UK are over
the age of 100, and that's just
one reason why Countdown keeps on
getting recommissioned.
And in Thailand,
five-five-five is slang for ha-ha-ha
because the word "five"
is pronounced "ha"
and can be used in sentences
such as, "Five-five-five, Mr Jimmy.
"You thought I was lady,
but too late, we married now.
"Five-five-five."
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING
Thank you very much, thank you.
You might not think it to look
at him, but Sean's body is a temple.
Unfortunately, it's a temple
dedicated to the gods of fags
and booze.
And joining Sean tonight,
it's Seann Walsh!
CHEERING
Thank you.
Seann has appeared on TV
in Live At The Apollo,
Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow,
and as Jennifer Aniston's
stunt double
for the L'Oreal Elvive hair serum.
Up against them this evening,
it's special guest team captain,
Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING
Yes, he's the man that put weirdy
and beardy into beardy-weirdy,
it's Joe Wilkinson.
Thank you, Daniel.
When I see Joe,
two words spring to mind...
Sex machine.
LAUGHTER
It's actually not sex machine,
it's "relief postman".
Oh.
And Joe's team-mate, Danny Dyer!
CHEERING
Danny's appeared on Cats Does
Countdown before when he was
the first-ever non-English speaker
in Dictionary Corner.
People have criticised Danny's
acting over the years, but what
they don't know is he's actually
a 50-year-old Jamaican lady.
Just... I...
I wish I could do a Jamaican accent,
I wish I could do it.
Danny, this is your first time
on Countdown as a player... Yeah.
Are you feeling confident?
I'm very... Um...
I'd rather be with the Dent,
over there.
You know, it's nice,
smells nice over there, and...
What are you saying?
Not that you're takkin' up,
or nothin' like that... Uh...
I'm just saying, you know,
it was easier,
cos, uh, she's double-clever.
And she's...
And she's got a dictionary.
And she's got a lovely, beautiful
boat. Look at that boat, look at it.
You had kind of a connection
the last time you were on.
Well, I thought we had a bit of
chemistry, but... I'm not too sure
now, have we?
I am.
But Susie's had a complex since then,
cos I heard you on Radio 1
say that she was your weird crush.
I think weird crush is a compliment,
isn't it?
She's not weird, though, is she?
She's a ravin' sort,
that's what I'm saying. Exactly!
You're talking about Susie Dent,
for crying out loud!
No, she is, she is a raving sort.
It doesn't get said enough
on this show. You're a raving sort.
And now, it says here,
but it can't be true.
It says in an interview
you recently said
you cried watching Pretty Woman.
Nah, it's a load of bollocks.
LAUGHTER
Uh, I did get a bit choked up, yeah.
I was on a major come-down, so...
Could have been anything.
OK, Joe.
You're team captain this evening.
Yeah. What leadership qualities
will you bring to your team?
I don't think
we've got a good chance,
so I did actually, I thought rather
than just play...play it normal,
I thought we could try
and intimidate them. And I just...
So I brought a box of weapons.
Well, we've got, we've got...
RACHEL LAUGHS LOUDLY
Hold up, here you are, that's it.
What's your tool?
That's the word. Oh, I'm feeling
this. Yeah? I'm feeling this.
If we're going to have it off,
let's get medieval around here,
you know what I mean?
Look at that fucking thing, look.
I can't decide between a mallet
or an iron.
Who we... Who you going to clump,
though? I mean...
Whoever gets a seven. OK, all right.
There's not many people
you could say this to,
but Joe has had worse ideas
than this.
So, do you want a nunchuk?
Oh, I'll have a nunchuk, yeah.
Yeah-yeah, go on.
I want to keep the iron, I'm going
to play big...big Monopoly later.
LAUGHTER
So, yeah... Good luck, boys.
Seann Walsh, this is the first time
you've played Countdown,
are you better at letters
or numbers?
Phwooh... I... Oh...
I think that's like asking
Stephen Hawking
if he's better at the butterfly
or breaststroke.
OK. Sean Lock, if you could change
one thing about yourself,
what would it be?
Well, obviously the front.
I think that would be
a huge, huge benefit.
I tell you what I really would like,
though.
If I had one leg,
like, just from here...
From here to here, if I had a leg
that was like a goose's foot.
Oh, yeah.
So the rest of me's normal,
but just from there to there
is, like, a goose's webbed foot.
So if I ever have to
hide behind a curtain...
..and there's like...
I just stick my goose's foot out,
and someone goes,
"Oh, no, Sean's not hiding there."
"There's a goose there."
Thinking ahead,
always thinking ahead.
I'd like to have toes like that,
toes like the talons of an eagle,
so when you pick up mice
with your feet,
you scare the shit out of them.
I'd like five knees.
All the way down your leg so you
can just tuck it behind yourself.
OK. Um, Danny,
have you got a mascot? Yes.
A little lighter.
Um, what, in case anyone plays
a song that you really like?
No, I'm just a massive fan of fags.
If we win... Yeah?
..it's the fault
of the green lighter.
Well, if we don't win, I'm going to
burn the fuckin' gaff down. Win-win.
OK, so it's a sort of...
It's a threat, is what it is.
Seann, have you got a mascot? Yeah.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
DANNY LAUGHS
Some cheese. Ooh...
Yeah. Well, there's
a potato there as well.
Yeah, the potato's just for
tomorrow, don't worry about that.
So, some cheese,
because I thought...I've got to this
point in my life where
if I want to eat something
unhealthy, it has to be a treat,
there has to be an excuse,
there has to be a reason.
So I thought,
"Right, I'll get some cheese."
That way, if I do really well...
I'll have some cheese.
And if I lose, and I get a bit down,
I'll have some cheese.
And if I do all right, I think,
"Well, it could have gone worse,"
have some cheese!
Can I just have a little bit
of cheese? Yeah. What is...
What sort of cheese is this? Cheddar.
Yeah, I usually eat cheese
standing up.
At... I eat cheese at night,
you know, just...in the kitchen...
"Fucking cheese."
I've just fucking cut my finger.
Have you really?
Aah! There's blood on my...
There's blood on the cheese! Aah!
Oh, dear. I bet that's a good way
of having all the cheese to yourself.
OK, Seann, we're going to have
to put a plaster on.
Uh, here comes the doctor.
Seann, you're a warrior. You're
a warrior, don't worry about it.
SEAN: Don't worry about it,
that's right.
Proper geezer.
I can't believe that Joe
got out a club and a hammer...
and an iron...and a baseball bat...
DANNY: Nothing, nothing.
BILL: Nothing?!
And who would have thought
the cheese would have been
the source of all the violence?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Welcome back, Seann Walsh!
WHISTLING
Seann, you all right?
Yes, thank you.
I mean, I don't want to suggest
for a moment that you're a wuss,
but could you have got a bigger
bandage from the managers?
Oh, God! And so that's there
to bring you good luck, yeah?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh...
OK, Sean Lock, have you got
a mascot? Uh, no, Jimmy, I don't.
But...
You know, we've played
a lot of games of Countdown,
we've been playing it for a while
now, and just accidentally,
I've invented a new form
of sort of literature, poetry.
And the idea is, it's very short
stories using the A to Z,
so each word is a consecutive letter
of the alphabet.
Yeah. For example...
HE SIGHS
"Alpacas buy chips during Easter..."
"..for good health."
"In July, KitKats."
"Llamas mostly nibble oranges,
particularly quickly."
"Rabbits snuffle truffles,
"unaware vultures
will X-ray your zombies."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Here's another one.
I'm very proud of this one.
"A bear cub daily eats
five gorillas."
"However, in July,
kippers look more nutritious."
"Once, Pauline Quirke reputedly said,
" 'Tickle-adders vibrate wattles -
"x-plode" your zip.' "
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
They're beautiful. Thank you.
Joe, have you got a mascot?
Uh, yep. I...
I've actually had
my mascot delivered,
I had to have it delivered.
What is it?
Wait till you open it, Jim.
My mascot is my half-brother, Fabio.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Come-bye! Come-bye.
Come-bye...
Come-bye. Away!
Um, yeah, the reason he's a good
mascot is because coincidently
he was born with three pencil
sharpeners under his armpit.
That is so troubling.
SEAN: Yeah.
He can hear you, mate.
And the other...
And then the other arm,
he was born with a calculator-ruler.
And instead of genitals, poor love -
aren't you? Poor love...
Instead of genitals, he was...
born with a hole punch.
LAUGHTER
Go on, get up on the desk, go on. Go
on, get up on the desk, that's it.
Right...
JOE SIGHS
Watch me fuckin' lighter, mate,
for fuck's sake.
Joe, he can't...
Joe, he can't...
He can't be kind of kneeling up,
coquettishly winking
at me for the show.
Down, boy!
W-Where you going to put him?
Oh, he'll find a place.
Right... Put... Put your...
Put your hole punch away.
Don't you touch his plonker.
Well, he's lovely, I hope he brings
you good fortune. He will.
Over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Bill Bailey!
CHEERING
Bill Bailey's well-known
for his love of animals.
He's even appeared on Springwatch
when Kate Humble managed to
track him down to his burrow
in Cambridgeshire.
Looking at the teams, who do you
think is going to win tonight? Um...
Well, you know,
both the Seans are looking sharp,
but I'm favouring Joe with Danny.
I think they've got a certain...
They've got
a bit of pizzazz about them.
They've also got me on their team
cos I might stab myself.
BILL: Yeah, there is that, yeah.
Yeah, but I've got a feeling that
when Seann takes his jacket off,
he could probably knock about
six people out with it.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
And with Bill, of course,
it's Susie Dent!
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Susie, you've said that
if your house was on fire,
you'd rescue your signed photo
of Danny Dyer.
Is it a wind-up, or...?
No-no, that was in an interview.
She said if her house was on fire
she would rescue
her signed photo of you.
Well, I'll sign me fuckin' self and
I'll come round your house, and...
What do you reckon? Great.
I think you feel sort of the same
about each other, I think.
Intellect is what it is.
Now, you know all about language,
Susie,
if you were trying to talk
like a Cockney, what would you say?
I'd probably say,
look at him sitting on his Aris...
On his Aris, yeah. Aristotle, yeah,
bottle. Bottle and glass - arse.
Look at the roof on his boat. Yep.
Roof tile, smile. Boat race, place.
Wouldn't you like to give him
an ocean liner? Shiner.
That's posh Cockney, that is.
I didn't know that was possible,
that was beautiful.
That was beautiful.
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!
DANNY: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Um, Rachel,
if we were at school together,
who would be top of the class?
Um, well, I think we'd all have
our own subjects that we talk about.
So obviously you would be
kind of economics.
Susie's got languages,
Bill's got music...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I'd be economic,
Susie'd be what?
Susie would be modern languages,
Bill's got music.
Seann with an "N"
has obviously got cookery...
And then detention, for Danny.
I think Sean's more like one of those
angry teachers that hates kids
and wonders what's gone wrong
with his life.
It's exactly who he is, yes!
And...you know how there's always
one kid that goes to the nurse with,
like, pencils and buttons
stuck somewhere they shouldn't be?
I don't know who that would be.
Sometimes you like to...
You know, you're bored, you're
on your own, you've got a button...
Of course you're going to
pop it up there!
OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this -
it's the Countdown leg waxing kit.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
PANELLISTS LAUGH
SEANN: No way.
And Joe Wilkinson's mum there,
modelling the...
LAUGHTER
Modelling the kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Danny, you get the first pick of the
letters. I'll have a vowel, please.
I
Yeah, straight in. Bosh.
I'll have one of them
consonant things.
J
Another consonant 'n' all, please.
P
A vowel.
E
Another consonant.
D
Just give us a vowel, whack
a vowel out, go on, whack a vowel.
E
And a consonant, please.
S
Gimme a couple of vowels.
Another I.
How many vowels have we got?
We've got about 27...
It don't matter, don't worry.
Don't worry. Bloody hell!
And for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.
HE PLAYS PIANO MELODY
HE BREAKS INTO
BOOGIE-WOOGIE RIFF
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Danny, how many letters?
We'll come back to you.
Sean, how many letters?
No, five, five. I've only got five.
I've only got five.
Sean, you've got five? Yeah.
Other Seann. Four.
Joe, how many letters?
Five.
Seann Walsh, what is your four?
SAID
OK, um, Sean.
SPEED
Um, Danny, what is your five?
SPIED
SPIED? Yeah.
Joe, your five?
SPEED
Five points to both teams!
APPLAUSE
Bill Bailey, Susie Dent,
could they have done any better?
Well,
you could have done one better,
cos you were nearly there
with SPIED.
You could have had ESPIED.
Just put an "E" in front.
What does that mean, Susie?
It means spotted, as in,
"I ESPIED you from afar."
BILL: Yeah.
DANNY: Oh...
So, at the end of that,
both teams have five points!
Five points, Seann.
CHEERING
We'll be all right, we'll be all
right. We're going to do all right.
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Seann Walsh.
You get a pick of the numbers.
Oh, OK.
Thank you.
Two big ones, four small ones.
Two big and four little,
thank you, Seans.
I'd be worried about Seann,
you've only got nine fingers
to count on for this.
LAUGHTER
These numbers are...
8, 5...
2,9...
And the large ones, 75 and 100.
And the target, 745.
And your time starts now.
JOE SIGHS
So, the target was 745.
Joe, did you get it?
You can bet your arse I did.
Danny, did you get it?
This is fuckin' horrible, this.
Y-You might as well just put Arabic
in front of me because...
I have no idea what that...
So I've just put...
You want to tell everyone
what you've written? No, nah.
What have you written?
I've just put
what a load of bollocks.
Sean Lock.
Yeah, I've got it.
Seann Walsh.
I've... No... No, no way.
Joe, how did you do it?
Uh...
8 + 2 = 10
Yep.
10 x 75 = 750
Good luck with that. 750.
Oh, she can do it.
Uh...
750 - 5 = 745
Bosh, there we go, happy days.
Lovely. Boom.
Ten points to Joe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean, did you do it the same way?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's not lying, it's fine.
So, the Seans have 15,
and Joe and Danny also have 15.
We'll win it.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
Bill, what have you got for us?
Oh, well, Jimmy, as it's
a show about numbers and words,
I thought, "Well, let's try
and combine the two,"
and I thought what I would do is
I'd write a poem that incorporates
numbers, but it's rubbish.
So...
So what I decided to do was focus
more on the metre, you know,
the rhythm of poems
and look at the numbers of that.
One of them I tried was
the football formation, 4-4-2.
So this is a poem
based on that metre.
It's quite pithy
and it's about a relationship.
"I held you close, you look morose.
"Dead wasp."
LAUGHTER
I mean, blink and you miss it,
but it's very good. Ah...
And the other one was, I tried a
more complex metre - the cinquain -
I'm sure you're familiar with it,
the 2-4-6-8-2 metre.
And I tried to encapsulate
the malaise of the Western world.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
"In this mad world spun fast,
for nothing, lives fly past.
"Helplessly, we look on aghast.
"Ooh, cake."
Right...
But then I thought, I don't know,
love is in the air,
maybe I thought I'd try love -
it's a brilliant subject for poetry.
And this is a poem I've written,
it's called Long-term Relationship.
"Hey!"
"Hey..."
"Remember what we said?"
"What?"
"That time we said that we could
ask each other anything."
"Yeah."
"Well, where'd you put my keys?"
"I don't have your keys."
"You must have them."
"I haven't got them."
"You're the last person
to have them."
"Nope."
"Have you looked in your bag,
"because that's the only place
they could be?"
"No, they're not in my bag,
I don't have them."
"Well, then they've been stolen."
"Have you looked on the hook
where they usually are?"
"No."
Thank you very much, I thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey!
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
And here is your teaser, the words
are I DO CRAPS, the clue is -
not very often.
That's, I DO CRAPS - not very often.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were I DO CRAP.
The clue was - not very often.
It was, of course, SPORADIC.
OK, time to mix things up
a little bit.
They've been playing in teams
so far,
but this next game is just
for Sean Lock and Danny.
So, Sean, your turn to choose
the letters.
Can I have, please, Rachel, a vowel?
Thank you, Sean.
I
I'd like another vowel, please.
E
And another vowel, please.
O
And a consonant.
G
And a consonant.
Z
And a consonant.
N
And a consonant.
L
And a consonant.
T
And a vowel.
And...
E
OK, and your time starts now.
MUSIC: THEME FROM CORONATION STREET
All right, love. What can I get you?
I'll get a round in for the guys.
So seven pints and whatever
Danny's drinking. Okey doke.
Here you are, love.
Thank you very much. Cheers.
Oh, cheers. Here you are, darlin'.
Thank you.
DANNY: Fuck off!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Kym Marsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK... Danny.
This is a little message from...
Yeah, go on, son. Go on. Ready?
Go on. I'll tell you what,
that's a fucking good plane.
What does it say, Danny?
Nothing, nothing.
LAUGHTER
What have you got, Danny?
I've got a seven.
You've got seven, have you?
Yeah. OK.
Sean, how many you got?
Yeah, I've got seven.
What have you got, babes?
I've only got four. Only got four?
LAUGHTER
Sean, what's your four? ZONE.
ZONE. Yeah,
the one that you're not in.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you want to hear my one?
Yeah, go on.
LOZENGE. Oh!
LOZENGE
APPLAUSE
Seven points to Danny Dyer!
APPLAUSE
That's a fabulous word.
Maybe the old throat's playing up.
Yeah, I know what a lozenge is.
LAUGHTER
Susie,
could they have done any better?
Well, LOZENGE is really good,
isn't it? Yeah, I like LOZENGE,
especially when you've got a little
throat thing coming up.
I mean, seven's good. GENTILE is
another word you could have had.
I had another one, an' all.
GLINT, GLINT. What?
GLINT, like glint in your eye.
Or you could have had TINGLE.
LAUGHTER
Starts with a GLINT
and then it ends up a TINGLE.
LAUGHTER
Finish your drink, Susie,
you're on a promise here.
Do you want this one?
SUSIE: Do you want to swap?
I'd rather have the pint
if that's all right?
Oh, our barmaid is doing
the deliveries.
Very heavy, that is. Very,
very heavy. I can handle it.
So, at the end of that,
Seann and Sean have 15,
Joe and Danny have 22.
APPLAUSE
Now it's time for Joe
and Seann Walsh to go head-to-head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Er, hold on.
Just got to sharpen my pencil.
LAUGHTER
Right, five little ones
and a big one, please.
One big one and five little ones.
Thank you, Joe.
This time, the little ones -
6, 7
2, 10.
Another 10 and the large one, 25,
and the target, 808.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 808.
Did you get it, Joe?
I got 807. 807, OK, so pretty close.
Seann? 807.
How did you get 807?
10 x 10 = 100
2 + 6 = 8
100 x 8 = 800
+ 7 = 807. Yeah,
and you're one away.
Well done, mate. Awesome.
APPLAUSE
Joe, how did you get it?
I did it like that, yeah.
OK, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Rachel, could you do it?
Yeah, couple of ways.
7 x 10 = 70
Add 25 and add 6 for 101
and then the other 10 - 2 = 8.
And times them together, 808.
APPLAUSE
OK, so Seann and Sean have 22.
Joe and Danny have 29.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser.
The words are LICK NERD.
The clue is -
ribbed for your pleasure.
That's LICK NERD, ribbed for your
pleasure. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were LICK NERD,
the clue was, ribbed for your
pleasure. It was of course CRINKLED.
OK, before we get on with the game,
time for a Countdown
bonus challenge,
a chance for our guests
to win a very special prize.
Tonight, it's the Countdown pub quiz
so ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back the quizmaster,
it's the landlady of
the Rovers Return,
Coronation Street's
very own Kym Marsh.
CHEERING
How are things on Corrie?
Great, thanks, yeah.
It's a proper soap opera, isn't it?
It is proper, yeah. Yeah.
What? It's cos she's the barmaid
in the... Yeah, I know.
It's just a hell of a show, it's
been running for, like, 50 years.
Yeah, I know it has.
It's an institution. Yeah, yeah.
You don't watch it,
you're too fucking posh,
don't give it all that.
OK. So, it's a pub quiz.
Joe, Danny, what's your team name?
Countdown Double Hard Bastards.
Yeah, yeah.
Sean, what's your quiz name?
Well, I thought... This is
quite amusing, you'll like this.
I thought, you know the dance house
act, Two Tons O' Fun? Oh, yeah.
I thought we could be
Two Seans O' Fun!
You're the landlady, quiz away. OK.
What is the singular of scampi?
What's the singular of it?
Yeah, one of them.
Sorry, you don't understand
the question?
Hold up a minute,
let me get this straight,
what's a scampi on its jack,
when it's on its own? Yeah, yeah.
One scampi. Do we get a point
for working out the question?
Why do I feel like a physicist?
Cos you fucking look like one,
that's why!
No, no, I'm joking.
OK, so, the singular of scampi.
Sean, what have you got?
Tricky, isn't it?
It is tricky.
I think it's scampi.
I've said scamp.
I've got prawn or scampi. Because
it's a prawn, isn't it, in batter?
It's not a prawn, is it? It's one of
the prawn mob, you know what I mean?
"It's one of the prawn mob" is
actually what it says on the packet.
Yeah. Danny, what's your answer?
Well, I've put lonely.
APPLAUSE
Kym, what is the singular of scampi?
Singular of scampi is scampi. Ahhh!
Fuckin' hell.
OK, point to Sean. Kym, let's have
another pub quiz question. OK.
Which of the following is NOT
the name of a real British pub?
A) My Father's Moustache.
B) The Trimmed Bush.
Or C) The Legend Of Oily Johnnies.
I used to drink in a pub called
The Superfluous Umlaut.
So, you know, anything is possible,
it's impossible to guess, isn't it?
What answers have you gone for?
Go on, just say it. Say it, say it.
Father's Moustache. Father's
Moustache, and Sean and Seann?
I'm going for The Trimmed Bush.
I don't think that's real. OK, Kym?
The made up pub name is
The Trimmed Bush. Ahhh!
Ha!
My Father's Moustache
is a pub in Lincolnshire,
and The Legend Of Oily Johnnies
is in Cumbria.
But you'd rather have a drink in the
fucking Trimmed Bush, wouldn't you?
Know what I mean? Yeah.
OK, next question.
Obviously, the best pub in
the soap world is the Rovers Return.
Fuck off. And the second best
is the Queen Vic.
But what is the name of the third
best, the pub in Emmerdale?
I know it. It's called...
I've had to sit through
hours of that shit.
Mother-in-law likes it. Sean,
what have you got? The Woolpack.
And what have you got?
We've got The Woolpack and all.
What is the correct answer, Kym?
The pub in Emmerdale is called the
Woolpack. Yes. Point to both teams.
APPLAUSE
OK, so the winners of the Countdown
pub quiz are Two Seans O' Fun.
CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen, Kym Marsh!
CHEERING
OK, so Sean and Seann,
you won the Countdown pub quiz.
Here's your prize. It's a bit of
extra help for the rest of the show.
She's one of the all-time greatest
Countdown champions,
Antoinette Ryan.
APPLAUSE
Sean, Seann. Hello, Antoinette,
very excited to have you. Hello.
Let me tell you a little bit
about Antoinette Ryan.
Antoinette Ryan is an Octochamp
on Countdown,
she has never scored
less than 100 points.
I've got a massive mallet,
by the way.
Antoinette, this is going to be easy
for you, isn't it?
I think I'm up against some pretty
stiff competition, so we'll see.
JOE: Thank you.
Hey, if you need any help...
I think we're up against it now.
I think...
I think this is where Mario
comes in.
JOE: Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's called Fabio,
we've done 30 of these shows
with him.
Can Fabio do this round, then?
Yeah, he can do this round.
HE CHANTS: Fabio, Fabio!
AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
CLAPPING GETS FASTER
Here's a pen, mate.
OK, on with the game. Joe and Danny,
your turn to choose the letters.
Um, could we have nine consonants?
Not a terrible idea. It's the only
chance we've got. Vowel, please.
U
Consonant, please.
M
Mmm. Mmm. Um, consonant, please.
R
Vowel. That's not a... Yeah.
A
Consonant, please.
W
Vowel.
I
Er, consonant, please.
R
Consonant and a vowel, please.
T and E.
OK, and your time starts now.
Danny, how many have you got? Four.
Four. Joe, how many did you get?
Nine.
Nine. Fabio?
What did you get, buddy?
What did you get?
He's just...
He's just drawn a picture of me and
you sitting on a corn on the cob.
APPLAUSE
How many did you get, Joe, nine?
No, I got six, I was just...
Poker face. You got six.
Sean? Three. You got three,
solid three.
Walsh? Six. Antoinette?
Seven, I think.
Seven, she thinks.
HE CHUCKLES DISMISSIVELY
I'm confident with my six.
OK. Sean, your three.
I chose this because I was confident
that Antoinette
was on the team. Obviously
I could have got a higher score.
But I like this word. MAW, M-A-W.
Oh, yeah.
JOE: Oh, nice.
OK. Danny, your four?
I got TRIM. And Joe, your six?
RETRIM
Susie, is RETRIM there?
It's not.
Oh, I give up!
Seann Walsh, your six?
WRITER. OK. Good work.
And for the points, Antoinette,
what is it?
MURIATE. What?
I'm sorry, we do an English language
version of the show.
MURIATE? Is she a relative?
Who is she?
"Muriate, get down here!"
"Your tea's ready, Muriate!"
What does it mean?
Susie will tell you!
Susie, does it have a meaning?
That is such a Countdown word,
I have to say.
Muriatic acid is or was
hydrochloric acid
and MURIATE is a compound of that.
And it can also be a noun,
it's Antoinette's sister.
Seven points to Antoinette.
APPLAUSE
Bill, Susie, could they have done
any better than that?
No, seven is good, there's a few
sevens. You could have had WARTIME.
WARTIER. WARTIER?
WARTIER. What's that mean?
When you go back to the doctor
and go, "This has got WARTIER."
OK, so at the end of that,
both teams have 29 points.
CHEERING
OK, time now for Dictionary Corner,
one last time.
Bill, what have you got for us?
Well, Jimmy, you know
I'm a big fan of animals,
we've got a lot of animals
in the house,
I've done a lot of
wildlife documentaries.
So these are some of the books
I keep around the house. Lovely.
There's one, Chameleons.
Marvellous, marvellous creatures.
We had a pet chameleon for a while,
we had to feed it crickets,
and we had to douse the crickets
in a vitamin substitute.
And the crickets thought
they were getting a bath.
But it was actually seasoning.
This is another book which is on my
shelf, Sex & Friendship In Baboons.
Yeah, sometimes it's difficult to
read the signs, isn't it, Bill?
Yes, it is,
you never know which is which.
JIMMY BARKS WITH LAUGHTER
Sorry, that is my baboon
mating call.
So, the final book, which I love,
is this one. Keeping Stick Insects.
And there's some fantastic
information in here,
where the author really is
trying to sell
the whole concept
of keeping stick insects.
The first page, it says,
"Why keep stick insects?"
And then it's this question.
"What kind of creature is sometimes
mistaken for a stick?"
I love that. What is the answer to
why keep stick insects?
It's because
they're really, really exciting.
It, what...
"What creature is able to cling to
the underside of surfaces?" I mean!
Come on!
And then one of the interesting
things about stick insects.
"Stick insects gather information
about their surrounding environment
"by using their eyes."
And it says, "Moving.
All stick insects walk."
That's another one of the great
exciting things about them.
Do any of them sidle? Yeah, it
sways. It sways from side to side.
"Probably imitating a stick."
And then, this is my favourite bit.
The defence.
It's got a brilliant defence.
"The passive defence is camouflage.
"It stays very still,
mimics a stick."
And that's all they've got? Keeping
Stick Insects, I'm telling you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE
And here is your final teaser.
The words are BUM NIGHT.
The clue is, you'll need to use
your hands, no fingers allowed.
That's BUM NIGHT, you'll need to
use your hands, no fingers allowed.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser - the words were BUM NIGHT.
The clue was - you'll need to
use your hands, no fingers allowed.
It was, of course, THUMBING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Seann and Antoinette,
your turn to choose the letters.
Let Antoinette do it.
She's better at this.
Hi, Rachel. A consonant, please.
Thank you.
N
And another.
S
Another.
V
And a fourth, please.
L
A vowel.
E
And two more.
A and...
E
A consonant.
P
And a...vowel, please.
And the last one...
If we get an I, it's PENIS.
Yes!
Your 30 seconds starts now.
COCKNEY: You slag.
You Muppet.
Don't mug me off.
Crack on, son.
You dry slice.
You busy prick.
Oi, clever bollocks!
Freaks my nut out.
APPLAUSE
It's very good. It really is.
Danny, how many did you get? Six.
Six, pretty good. Joe?
Five.
Sean? Six.
Other Seann? Six.
It don't matter, though. Look. Go
on. Eight, I think. Fucking eight!
There's not eight letters up there!
OK, Joe. Your five.
PENIS
Susie, is penis in there?
Do you really want me to check?
Yeah, check if there's PENIS
in there.
Well thumbed, this page. It's in.
LAUGHTER
Danny, your six?
PLEASE
PLEASE is pretty good. OK, Sean?
LEAVEN. LEAVEN?
As in "to LEAVEN bread".
Other Seann, your six?
LEAVES
I should have put LEAVENS.
SUSIE: Yeah, you should.
DANNY: You didn't, though, did you?
Antoinette, your eight?
PENALISE
Brilliant.
Eight points to Antoinette.
Could they have done any better?
Susie? Bill? Er, no. No.
You could have had another eight -
VASELINE.
VASELINE and PENIS
in the same fucking one!
So, Joe and Danny have 29.
Sean and Seann and Antoinette have
37, so fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
Antoinette, can you reach
the buzzer? I can.
Good luck, love.
Move your finger - I dare you.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER
Joe? Danny? It was me.
What is it? Danny? Take your time.
Danny?
All right, all right. I'm just...
Don't stress him out. He knows it.
I'm restarting the clock.
All right, go on, do it again.
Go on.
BELL
Oh, go on. DOWNSTAGE.
DOWNSTAGE. Let's see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the final scores are...
Joe and Danny have 29 but tonight's
winners, with 47,
are Sean, Seann and Antoinette.
CHEERING
Joe...
I have to admit,
I was a little overconfident.
Go on, lads. I got it... I didn't
know the champion was turning up.
OK. So, congratulations,
Sean, Seann and Antoinette.
You're now the proud owner of this -
the Countdown leg waxing kit.
Thanks to all of our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you
for watching at home.
That's it from us. Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Ericsson
strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...
Sean Lock...
Joe Wilkinson...
Danny Dyer...
Seann Walsh...
Bill Bailey...
Susie Dent...
And Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
A show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example,
Lionel Blair's is
Cockney rhyming slang for flares,
whereas Tony Blair's is Cockney
rhyming slang for a Jeremy Hunt.
LAUGHTER
13,350 people in the UK are over
the age of 100, and that's just
one reason why Countdown keeps on
getting recommissioned.
And in Thailand,
five-five-five is slang for ha-ha-ha
because the word "five"
is pronounced "ha"
and can be used in sentences
such as, "Five-five-five, Mr Jimmy.
"You thought I was lady,
but too late, we married now.
"Five-five-five."
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING
Thank you very much, thank you.
You might not think it to look
at him, but Sean's body is a temple.
Unfortunately, it's a temple
dedicated to the gods of fags
and booze.
And joining Sean tonight,
it's Seann Walsh!
CHEERING
Thank you.
Seann has appeared on TV
in Live At The Apollo,
Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow,
and as Jennifer Aniston's
stunt double
for the L'Oreal Elvive hair serum.
Up against them this evening,
it's special guest team captain,
Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING
Yes, he's the man that put weirdy
and beardy into beardy-weirdy,
it's Joe Wilkinson.
Thank you, Daniel.
When I see Joe,
two words spring to mind...
Sex machine.
LAUGHTER
It's actually not sex machine,
it's "relief postman".
Oh.
And Joe's team-mate, Danny Dyer!
CHEERING
Danny's appeared on Cats Does
Countdown before when he was
the first-ever non-English speaker
in Dictionary Corner.
People have criticised Danny's
acting over the years, but what
they don't know is he's actually
a 50-year-old Jamaican lady.
Just... I...
I wish I could do a Jamaican accent,
I wish I could do it.
Danny, this is your first time
on Countdown as a player... Yeah.
Are you feeling confident?
I'm very... Um...
I'd rather be with the Dent,
over there.
You know, it's nice,
smells nice over there, and...
What are you saying?
Not that you're takkin' up,
or nothin' like that... Uh...
I'm just saying, you know,
it was easier,
cos, uh, she's double-clever.
And she's...
And she's got a dictionary.
And she's got a lovely, beautiful
boat. Look at that boat, look at it.
You had kind of a connection
the last time you were on.
Well, I thought we had a bit of
chemistry, but... I'm not too sure
now, have we?
I am.
But Susie's had a complex since then,
cos I heard you on Radio 1
say that she was your weird crush.
I think weird crush is a compliment,
isn't it?
She's not weird, though, is she?
She's a ravin' sort,
that's what I'm saying. Exactly!
You're talking about Susie Dent,
for crying out loud!
No, she is, she is a raving sort.
It doesn't get said enough
on this show. You're a raving sort.
And now, it says here,
but it can't be true.
It says in an interview
you recently said
you cried watching Pretty Woman.
Nah, it's a load of bollocks.
LAUGHTER
Uh, I did get a bit choked up, yeah.
I was on a major come-down, so...
Could have been anything.
OK, Joe.
You're team captain this evening.
Yeah. What leadership qualities
will you bring to your team?
I don't think
we've got a good chance,
so I did actually, I thought rather
than just play...play it normal,
I thought we could try
and intimidate them. And I just...
So I brought a box of weapons.
Well, we've got, we've got...
RACHEL LAUGHS LOUDLY
Hold up, here you are, that's it.
What's your tool?
That's the word. Oh, I'm feeling
this. Yeah? I'm feeling this.
If we're going to have it off,
let's get medieval around here,
you know what I mean?
Look at that fucking thing, look.
I can't decide between a mallet
or an iron.
Who we... Who you going to clump,
though? I mean...
Whoever gets a seven. OK, all right.
There's not many people
you could say this to,
but Joe has had worse ideas
than this.
So, do you want a nunchuk?
Oh, I'll have a nunchuk, yeah.
Yeah-yeah, go on.
I want to keep the iron, I'm going
to play big...big Monopoly later.
LAUGHTER
So, yeah... Good luck, boys.
Seann Walsh, this is the first time
you've played Countdown,
are you better at letters
or numbers?
Phwooh... I... Oh...
I think that's like asking
Stephen Hawking
if he's better at the butterfly
or breaststroke.
OK. Sean Lock, if you could change
one thing about yourself,
what would it be?
Well, obviously the front.
I think that would be
a huge, huge benefit.
I tell you what I really would like,
though.
If I had one leg,
like, just from here...
From here to here, if I had a leg
that was like a goose's foot.
Oh, yeah.
So the rest of me's normal,
but just from there to there
is, like, a goose's webbed foot.
So if I ever have to
hide behind a curtain...
..and there's like...
I just stick my goose's foot out,
and someone goes,
"Oh, no, Sean's not hiding there."
"There's a goose there."
Thinking ahead,
always thinking ahead.
I'd like to have toes like that,
toes like the talons of an eagle,
so when you pick up mice
with your feet,
you scare the shit out of them.
I'd like five knees.
All the way down your leg so you
can just tuck it behind yourself.
OK. Um, Danny,
have you got a mascot? Yes.
A little lighter.
Um, what, in case anyone plays
a song that you really like?
No, I'm just a massive fan of fags.
If we win... Yeah?
..it's the fault
of the green lighter.
Well, if we don't win, I'm going to
burn the fuckin' gaff down. Win-win.
OK, so it's a sort of...
It's a threat, is what it is.
Seann, have you got a mascot? Yeah.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
DANNY LAUGHS
Some cheese. Ooh...
Yeah. Well, there's
a potato there as well.
Yeah, the potato's just for
tomorrow, don't worry about that.
So, some cheese,
because I thought...I've got to this
point in my life where
if I want to eat something
unhealthy, it has to be a treat,
there has to be an excuse,
there has to be a reason.
So I thought,
"Right, I'll get some cheese."
That way, if I do really well...
I'll have some cheese.
And if I lose, and I get a bit down,
I'll have some cheese.
And if I do all right, I think,
"Well, it could have gone worse,"
have some cheese!
Can I just have a little bit
of cheese? Yeah. What is...
What sort of cheese is this? Cheddar.
Yeah, I usually eat cheese
standing up.
At... I eat cheese at night,
you know, just...in the kitchen...
"Fucking cheese."
I've just fucking cut my finger.
Have you really?
Aah! There's blood on my...
There's blood on the cheese! Aah!
Oh, dear. I bet that's a good way
of having all the cheese to yourself.
OK, Seann, we're going to have
to put a plaster on.
Uh, here comes the doctor.
Seann, you're a warrior. You're
a warrior, don't worry about it.
SEAN: Don't worry about it,
that's right.
Proper geezer.
I can't believe that Joe
got out a club and a hammer...
and an iron...and a baseball bat...
DANNY: Nothing, nothing.
BILL: Nothing?!
And who would have thought
the cheese would have been
the source of all the violence?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Welcome back, Seann Walsh!
WHISTLING
Seann, you all right?
Yes, thank you.
I mean, I don't want to suggest
for a moment that you're a wuss,
but could you have got a bigger
bandage from the managers?
Oh, God! And so that's there
to bring you good luck, yeah?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh...
OK, Sean Lock, have you got
a mascot? Uh, no, Jimmy, I don't.
But...
You know, we've played
a lot of games of Countdown,
we've been playing it for a while
now, and just accidentally,
I've invented a new form
of sort of literature, poetry.
And the idea is, it's very short
stories using the A to Z,
so each word is a consecutive letter
of the alphabet.
Yeah. For example...
HE SIGHS
"Alpacas buy chips during Easter..."
"..for good health."
"In July, KitKats."
"Llamas mostly nibble oranges,
particularly quickly."
"Rabbits snuffle truffles,
"unaware vultures
will X-ray your zombies."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Here's another one.
I'm very proud of this one.
"A bear cub daily eats
five gorillas."
"However, in July,
kippers look more nutritious."
"Once, Pauline Quirke reputedly said,
" 'Tickle-adders vibrate wattles -
"x-plode" your zip.' "
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
They're beautiful. Thank you.
Joe, have you got a mascot?
Uh, yep. I...
I've actually had
my mascot delivered,
I had to have it delivered.
What is it?
Wait till you open it, Jim.
My mascot is my half-brother, Fabio.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Come-bye! Come-bye.
Come-bye...
Come-bye. Away!
Um, yeah, the reason he's a good
mascot is because coincidently
he was born with three pencil
sharpeners under his armpit.
That is so troubling.
SEAN: Yeah.
He can hear you, mate.
And the other...
And then the other arm,
he was born with a calculator-ruler.
And instead of genitals, poor love -
aren't you? Poor love...
Instead of genitals, he was...
born with a hole punch.
LAUGHTER
Go on, get up on the desk, go on. Go
on, get up on the desk, that's it.
Right...
JOE SIGHS
Watch me fuckin' lighter, mate,
for fuck's sake.
Joe, he can't...
Joe, he can't...
He can't be kind of kneeling up,
coquettishly winking
at me for the show.
Down, boy!
W-Where you going to put him?
Oh, he'll find a place.
Right... Put... Put your...
Put your hole punch away.
Don't you touch his plonker.
Well, he's lovely, I hope he brings
you good fortune. He will.
Over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Bill Bailey!
CHEERING
Bill Bailey's well-known
for his love of animals.
He's even appeared on Springwatch
when Kate Humble managed to
track him down to his burrow
in Cambridgeshire.
Looking at the teams, who do you
think is going to win tonight? Um...
Well, you know,
both the Seans are looking sharp,
but I'm favouring Joe with Danny.
I think they've got a certain...
They've got
a bit of pizzazz about them.
They've also got me on their team
cos I might stab myself.
BILL: Yeah, there is that, yeah.
Yeah, but I've got a feeling that
when Seann takes his jacket off,
he could probably knock about
six people out with it.
Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
And with Bill, of course,
it's Susie Dent!
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Susie, you've said that
if your house was on fire,
you'd rescue your signed photo
of Danny Dyer.
Is it a wind-up, or...?
No-no, that was in an interview.
She said if her house was on fire
she would rescue
her signed photo of you.
Well, I'll sign me fuckin' self and
I'll come round your house, and...
What do you reckon? Great.
I think you feel sort of the same
about each other, I think.
Intellect is what it is.
Now, you know all about language,
Susie,
if you were trying to talk
like a Cockney, what would you say?
I'd probably say,
look at him sitting on his Aris...
On his Aris, yeah. Aristotle, yeah,
bottle. Bottle and glass - arse.
Look at the roof on his boat. Yep.
Roof tile, smile. Boat race, place.
Wouldn't you like to give him
an ocean liner? Shiner.
That's posh Cockney, that is.
I didn't know that was possible,
that was beautiful.
That was beautiful.
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!
DANNY: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Um, Rachel,
if we were at school together,
who would be top of the class?
Um, well, I think we'd all have
our own subjects that we talk about.
So obviously you would be
kind of economics.
Susie's got languages,
Bill's got music...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, I'd be economic,
Susie'd be what?
Susie would be modern languages,
Bill's got music.
Seann with an "N"
has obviously got cookery...
And then detention, for Danny.
I think Sean's more like one of those
angry teachers that hates kids
and wonders what's gone wrong
with his life.
It's exactly who he is, yes!
And...you know how there's always
one kid that goes to the nurse with,
like, pencils and buttons
stuck somewhere they shouldn't be?
I don't know who that would be.
Sometimes you like to...
You know, you're bored, you're
on your own, you've got a button...
Of course you're going to
pop it up there!
OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this -
it's the Countdown leg waxing kit.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
PANELLISTS LAUGH
SEANN: No way.
And Joe Wilkinson's mum there,
modelling the...
LAUGHTER
Modelling the kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Danny, you get the first pick of the
letters. I'll have a vowel, please.
I
Yeah, straight in. Bosh.
I'll have one of them
consonant things.
J
Another consonant 'n' all, please.
P
A vowel.
E
Another consonant.
D
Just give us a vowel, whack
a vowel out, go on, whack a vowel.
E
And a consonant, please.
S
Gimme a couple of vowels.
Another I.
How many vowels have we got?
We've got about 27...
It don't matter, don't worry.
Don't worry. Bloody hell!
And for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.
HE PLAYS PIANO MELODY
HE BREAKS INTO
BOOGIE-WOOGIE RIFF
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Danny, how many letters?
We'll come back to you.
Sean, how many letters?
No, five, five. I've only got five.
I've only got five.
Sean, you've got five? Yeah.
Other Seann. Four.
Joe, how many letters?
Five.
Seann Walsh, what is your four?
SAID
OK, um, Sean.
SPEED
Um, Danny, what is your five?
SPIED
SPIED? Yeah.
Joe, your five?
SPEED
Five points to both teams!
APPLAUSE
Bill Bailey, Susie Dent,
could they have done any better?
Well,
you could have done one better,
cos you were nearly there
with SPIED.
You could have had ESPIED.
Just put an "E" in front.
What does that mean, Susie?
It means spotted, as in,
"I ESPIED you from afar."
BILL: Yeah.
DANNY: Oh...
So, at the end of that,
both teams have five points!
Five points, Seann.
CHEERING
We'll be all right, we'll be all
right. We're going to do all right.
On to our first numbers round.
OK, Seann Walsh.
You get a pick of the numbers.
Oh, OK.
Thank you.
Two big ones, four small ones.
Two big and four little,
thank you, Seans.
I'd be worried about Seann,
you've only got nine fingers
to count on for this.
LAUGHTER
These numbers are...
8, 5...
2,9...
And the large ones, 75 and 100.
And the target, 745.
And your time starts now.
JOE SIGHS
So, the target was 745.
Joe, did you get it?
You can bet your arse I did.
Danny, did you get it?
This is fuckin' horrible, this.
Y-You might as well just put Arabic
in front of me because...
I have no idea what that...
So I've just put...
You want to tell everyone
what you've written? No, nah.
What have you written?
I've just put
what a load of bollocks.
Sean Lock.
Yeah, I've got it.
Seann Walsh.
I've... No... No, no way.
Joe, how did you do it?
Uh...
8 + 2 = 10
Yep.
10 x 75 = 750
Good luck with that. 750.
Oh, she can do it.
Uh...
750 - 5 = 745
Bosh, there we go, happy days.
Lovely. Boom.
Ten points to Joe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sean, did you do it the same way?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's not lying, it's fine.
So, the Seans have 15,
and Joe and Danny also have 15.
We'll win it.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
Bill, what have you got for us?
Oh, well, Jimmy, as it's
a show about numbers and words,
I thought, "Well, let's try
and combine the two,"
and I thought what I would do is
I'd write a poem that incorporates
numbers, but it's rubbish.
So...
So what I decided to do was focus
more on the metre, you know,
the rhythm of poems
and look at the numbers of that.
One of them I tried was
the football formation, 4-4-2.
So this is a poem
based on that metre.
It's quite pithy
and it's about a relationship.
"I held you close, you look morose.
"Dead wasp."
LAUGHTER
I mean, blink and you miss it,
but it's very good. Ah...
And the other one was, I tried a
more complex metre - the cinquain -
I'm sure you're familiar with it,
the 2-4-6-8-2 metre.
And I tried to encapsulate
the malaise of the Western world.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
"In this mad world spun fast,
for nothing, lives fly past.
"Helplessly, we look on aghast.
"Ooh, cake."
Right...
But then I thought, I don't know,
love is in the air,
maybe I thought I'd try love -
it's a brilliant subject for poetry.
And this is a poem I've written,
it's called Long-term Relationship.
"Hey!"
"Hey..."
"Remember what we said?"
"What?"
"That time we said that we could
ask each other anything."
"Yeah."
"Well, where'd you put my keys?"
"I don't have your keys."
"You must have them."
"I haven't got them."
"You're the last person
to have them."
"Nope."
"Have you looked in your bag,
"because that's the only place
they could be?"
"No, they're not in my bag,
I don't have them."
"Well, then they've been stolen."
"Have you looked on the hook
where they usually are?"
"No."
Thank you very much, I thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey!
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
And here is your teaser, the words
are I DO CRAPS, the clue is -
not very often.
That's, I DO CRAPS - not very often.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were I DO CRAP.
The clue was - not very often.
It was, of course, SPORADIC.
OK, time to mix things up
a little bit.
They've been playing in teams
so far,
but this next game is just
for Sean Lock and Danny.
So, Sean, your turn to choose
the letters.
Can I have, please, Rachel, a vowel?
Thank you, Sean.
I
I'd like another vowel, please.
E
And another vowel, please.
O
And a consonant.
G
And a consonant.
Z
And a consonant.
N
And a consonant.
L
And a consonant.
T
And a vowel.
And...
E
OK, and your time starts now.
MUSIC: THEME FROM CORONATION STREET
All right, love. What can I get you?
I'll get a round in for the guys.
So seven pints and whatever
Danny's drinking. Okey doke.
Here you are, love.
Thank you very much. Cheers.
Oh, cheers. Here you are, darlin'.
Thank you.
DANNY: Fuck off!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Kym Marsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK... Danny.
This is a little message from...
Yeah, go on, son. Go on. Ready?
Go on. I'll tell you what,
that's a fucking good plane.
What does it say, Danny?
Nothing, nothing.
LAUGHTER
What have you got, Danny?
I've got a seven.
You've got seven, have you?
Yeah. OK.
Sean, how many you got?
Yeah, I've got seven.
What have you got, babes?
I've only got four. Only got four?
LAUGHTER
Sean, what's your four? ZONE.
ZONE. Yeah,
the one that you're not in.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you want to hear my one?
Yeah, go on.
LOZENGE. Oh!
LOZENGE
APPLAUSE
Seven points to Danny Dyer!
APPLAUSE
That's a fabulous word.
Maybe the old throat's playing up.
Yeah, I know what a lozenge is.
LAUGHTER
Susie,
could they have done any better?
Well, LOZENGE is really good,
isn't it? Yeah, I like LOZENGE,
especially when you've got a little
throat thing coming up.
I mean, seven's good. GENTILE is
another word you could have had.
I had another one, an' all.
GLINT, GLINT. What?
GLINT, like glint in your eye.
Or you could have had TINGLE.
LAUGHTER
Starts with a GLINT
and then it ends up a TINGLE.
LAUGHTER
Finish your drink, Susie,
you're on a promise here.
Do you want this one?
SUSIE: Do you want to swap?
I'd rather have the pint
if that's all right?
Oh, our barmaid is doing
the deliveries.
Very heavy, that is. Very,
very heavy. I can handle it.
So, at the end of that,
Seann and Sean have 15,
Joe and Danny have 22.
APPLAUSE
Now it's time for Joe
and Seann Walsh to go head-to-head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Er, hold on.
Just got to sharpen my pencil.
LAUGHTER
Right, five little ones
and a big one, please.
One big one and five little ones.
Thank you, Joe.
This time, the little ones -
6, 7
2, 10.
Another 10 and the large one, 25,
and the target, 808.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 808.
Did you get it, Joe?
I got 807. 807, OK, so pretty close.
Seann? 807.
How did you get 807?
10 x 10 = 100
2 + 6 = 8
100 x 8 = 800
+ 7 = 807. Yeah,
and you're one away.
Well done, mate. Awesome.
APPLAUSE
Joe, how did you get it?
I did it like that, yeah.
OK, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Rachel, could you do it?
Yeah, couple of ways.
7 x 10 = 70
Add 25 and add 6 for 101
and then the other 10 - 2 = 8.
And times them together, 808.
APPLAUSE
OK, so Seann and Sean have 22.
Joe and Danny have 29.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser.
The words are LICK NERD.
The clue is -
ribbed for your pleasure.
That's LICK NERD, ribbed for your
pleasure. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were LICK NERD,
the clue was, ribbed for your
pleasure. It was of course CRINKLED.
OK, before we get on with the game,
time for a Countdown
bonus challenge,
a chance for our guests
to win a very special prize.
Tonight, it's the Countdown pub quiz
so ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome back the quizmaster,
it's the landlady of
the Rovers Return,
Coronation Street's
very own Kym Marsh.
CHEERING
How are things on Corrie?
Great, thanks, yeah.
It's a proper soap opera, isn't it?
It is proper, yeah. Yeah.
What? It's cos she's the barmaid
in the... Yeah, I know.
It's just a hell of a show, it's
been running for, like, 50 years.
Yeah, I know it has.
It's an institution. Yeah, yeah.
You don't watch it,
you're too fucking posh,
don't give it all that.
OK. So, it's a pub quiz.
Joe, Danny, what's your team name?
Countdown Double Hard Bastards.
Yeah, yeah.
Sean, what's your quiz name?
Well, I thought... This is
quite amusing, you'll like this.
I thought, you know the dance house
act, Two Tons O' Fun? Oh, yeah.
I thought we could be
Two Seans O' Fun!
You're the landlady, quiz away. OK.
What is the singular of scampi?
What's the singular of it?
Yeah, one of them.
Sorry, you don't understand
the question?
Hold up a minute,
let me get this straight,
what's a scampi on its jack,
when it's on its own? Yeah, yeah.
One scampi. Do we get a point
for working out the question?
Why do I feel like a physicist?
Cos you fucking look like one,
that's why!
No, no, I'm joking.
OK, so, the singular of scampi.
Sean, what have you got?
Tricky, isn't it?
It is tricky.
I think it's scampi.
I've said scamp.
I've got prawn or scampi. Because
it's a prawn, isn't it, in batter?
It's not a prawn, is it? It's one of
the prawn mob, you know what I mean?
"It's one of the prawn mob" is
actually what it says on the packet.
Yeah. Danny, what's your answer?
Well, I've put lonely.
APPLAUSE
Kym, what is the singular of scampi?
Singular of scampi is scampi. Ahhh!
Fuckin' hell.
OK, point to Sean. Kym, let's have
another pub quiz question. OK.
Which of the following is NOT
the name of a real British pub?
A) My Father's Moustache.
B) The Trimmed Bush.
Or C) The Legend Of Oily Johnnies.
I used to drink in a pub called
The Superfluous Umlaut.
So, you know, anything is possible,
it's impossible to guess, isn't it?
What answers have you gone for?
Go on, just say it. Say it, say it.
Father's Moustache. Father's
Moustache, and Sean and Seann?
I'm going for The Trimmed Bush.
I don't think that's real. OK, Kym?
The made up pub name is
The Trimmed Bush. Ahhh!
Ha!
My Father's Moustache
is a pub in Lincolnshire,
and The Legend Of Oily Johnnies
is in Cumbria.
But you'd rather have a drink in the
fucking Trimmed Bush, wouldn't you?
Know what I mean? Yeah.
OK, next question.
Obviously, the best pub in
the soap world is the Rovers Return.
Fuck off. And the second best
is the Queen Vic.
But what is the name of the third
best, the pub in Emmerdale?
I know it. It's called...
I've had to sit through
hours of that shit.
Mother-in-law likes it. Sean,
what have you got? The Woolpack.
And what have you got?
We've got The Woolpack and all.
What is the correct answer, Kym?
The pub in Emmerdale is called the
Woolpack. Yes. Point to both teams.
APPLAUSE
OK, so the winners of the Countdown
pub quiz are Two Seans O' Fun.
CHEERING
Ladies and gentlemen, Kym Marsh!
CHEERING
OK, so Sean and Seann,
you won the Countdown pub quiz.
Here's your prize. It's a bit of
extra help for the rest of the show.
She's one of the all-time greatest
Countdown champions,
Antoinette Ryan.
APPLAUSE
Sean, Seann. Hello, Antoinette,
very excited to have you. Hello.
Let me tell you a little bit
about Antoinette Ryan.
Antoinette Ryan is an Octochamp
on Countdown,
she has never scored
less than 100 points.
I've got a massive mallet,
by the way.
Antoinette, this is going to be easy
for you, isn't it?
I think I'm up against some pretty
stiff competition, so we'll see.
JOE: Thank you.
Hey, if you need any help...
I think we're up against it now.
I think...
I think this is where Mario
comes in.
JOE: Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's called Fabio,
we've done 30 of these shows
with him.
Can Fabio do this round, then?
Yeah, he can do this round.
HE CHANTS: Fabio, Fabio!
AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
CLAPPING GETS FASTER
Here's a pen, mate.
OK, on with the game. Joe and Danny,
your turn to choose the letters.
Um, could we have nine consonants?
Not a terrible idea. It's the only
chance we've got. Vowel, please.
U
Consonant, please.
M
Mmm. Mmm. Um, consonant, please.
R
Vowel. That's not a... Yeah.
A
Consonant, please.
W
Vowel.
I
Er, consonant, please.
R
Consonant and a vowel, please.
T and E.
OK, and your time starts now.
Danny, how many have you got? Four.
Four. Joe, how many did you get?
Nine.
Nine. Fabio?
What did you get, buddy?
What did you get?
He's just...
He's just drawn a picture of me and
you sitting on a corn on the cob.
APPLAUSE
How many did you get, Joe, nine?
No, I got six, I was just...
Poker face. You got six.
Sean? Three. You got three,
solid three.
Walsh? Six. Antoinette?
Seven, I think.
Seven, she thinks.
HE CHUCKLES DISMISSIVELY
I'm confident with my six.
OK. Sean, your three.
I chose this because I was confident
that Antoinette
was on the team. Obviously
I could have got a higher score.
But I like this word. MAW, M-A-W.
Oh, yeah.
JOE: Oh, nice.
OK. Danny, your four?
I got TRIM. And Joe, your six?
RETRIM
Susie, is RETRIM there?
It's not.
Oh, I give up!
Seann Walsh, your six?
WRITER. OK. Good work.
And for the points, Antoinette,
what is it?
MURIATE. What?
I'm sorry, we do an English language
version of the show.
MURIATE? Is she a relative?
Who is she?
"Muriate, get down here!"
"Your tea's ready, Muriate!"
What does it mean?
Susie will tell you!
Susie, does it have a meaning?
That is such a Countdown word,
I have to say.
Muriatic acid is or was
hydrochloric acid
and MURIATE is a compound of that.
And it can also be a noun,
it's Antoinette's sister.
Seven points to Antoinette.
APPLAUSE
Bill, Susie, could they have done
any better than that?
No, seven is good, there's a few
sevens. You could have had WARTIME.
WARTIER. WARTIER?
WARTIER. What's that mean?
When you go back to the doctor
and go, "This has got WARTIER."
OK, so at the end of that,
both teams have 29 points.
CHEERING
OK, time now for Dictionary Corner,
one last time.
Bill, what have you got for us?
Well, Jimmy, you know
I'm a big fan of animals,
we've got a lot of animals
in the house,
I've done a lot of
wildlife documentaries.
So these are some of the books
I keep around the house. Lovely.
There's one, Chameleons.
Marvellous, marvellous creatures.
We had a pet chameleon for a while,
we had to feed it crickets,
and we had to douse the crickets
in a vitamin substitute.
And the crickets thought
they were getting a bath.
But it was actually seasoning.
This is another book which is on my
shelf, Sex & Friendship In Baboons.
Yeah, sometimes it's difficult to
read the signs, isn't it, Bill?
Yes, it is,
you never know which is which.
JIMMY BARKS WITH LAUGHTER
Sorry, that is my baboon
mating call.
So, the final book, which I love,
is this one. Keeping Stick Insects.
And there's some fantastic
information in here,
where the author really is
trying to sell
the whole concept
of keeping stick insects.
The first page, it says,
"Why keep stick insects?"
And then it's this question.
"What kind of creature is sometimes
mistaken for a stick?"
I love that. What is the answer to
why keep stick insects?
It's because
they're really, really exciting.
It, what...
"What creature is able to cling to
the underside of surfaces?" I mean!
Come on!
And then one of the interesting
things about stick insects.
"Stick insects gather information
about their surrounding environment
"by using their eyes."
And it says, "Moving.
All stick insects walk."
That's another one of the great
exciting things about them.
Do any of them sidle? Yeah, it
sways. It sways from side to side.
"Probably imitating a stick."
And then, this is my favourite bit.
The defence.
It's got a brilliant defence.
"The passive defence is camouflage.
"It stays very still,
mimics a stick."
And that's all they've got? Keeping
Stick Insects, I'm telling you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey.
APPLAUSE
And here is your final teaser.
The words are BUM NIGHT.
The clue is, you'll need to use
your hands, no fingers allowed.
That's BUM NIGHT, you'll need to
use your hands, no fingers allowed.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser - the words were BUM NIGHT.
The clue was - you'll need to
use your hands, no fingers allowed.
It was, of course, THUMBING.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Seann and Antoinette,
your turn to choose the letters.
Let Antoinette do it.
She's better at this.
Hi, Rachel. A consonant, please.
Thank you.
N
And another.
S
Another.
V
And a fourth, please.
L
A vowel.
E
And two more.
A and...
E
A consonant.
P
And a...vowel, please.
And the last one...
If we get an I, it's PENIS.
Yes!
Your 30 seconds starts now.
COCKNEY: You slag.
You Muppet.
Don't mug me off.
Crack on, son.
You dry slice.
You busy prick.
Oi, clever bollocks!
Freaks my nut out.
APPLAUSE
It's very good. It really is.
Danny, how many did you get? Six.
Six, pretty good. Joe?
Five.
Sean? Six.
Other Seann? Six.
It don't matter, though. Look. Go
on. Eight, I think. Fucking eight!
There's not eight letters up there!
OK, Joe. Your five.
PENIS
Susie, is penis in there?
Do you really want me to check?
Yeah, check if there's PENIS
in there.
Well thumbed, this page. It's in.
LAUGHTER
Danny, your six?
PLEASE
PLEASE is pretty good. OK, Sean?
LEAVEN. LEAVEN?
As in "to LEAVEN bread".
Other Seann, your six?
LEAVES
I should have put LEAVENS.
SUSIE: Yeah, you should.
DANNY: You didn't, though, did you?
Antoinette, your eight?
PENALISE
Brilliant.
Eight points to Antoinette.
Could they have done any better?
Susie? Bill? Er, no. No.
You could have had another eight -
VASELINE.
VASELINE and PENIS
in the same fucking one!
So, Joe and Danny have 29.
Sean and Seann and Antoinette have
37, so fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
Antoinette, can you reach
the buzzer? I can.
Good luck, love.
Move your finger - I dare you.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER
Joe? Danny? It was me.
What is it? Danny? Take your time.
Danny?
All right, all right. I'm just...
Don't stress him out. He knows it.
I'm restarting the clock.
All right, go on, do it again.
Go on.
BELL
Oh, go on. DOWNSTAGE.
DOWNSTAGE. Let's see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the final scores are...
Joe and Danny have 29 but tonight's
winners, with 47,
are Sean, Seann and Antoinette.
CHEERING
Joe...
I have to admit,
I was a little overconfident.
Go on, lads. I got it... I didn't
know the champion was turning up.
OK. So, congratulations,
Sean, Seann and Antoinette.
You're now the proud owner of this -
the Countdown leg waxing kit.
Thanks to all of our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you
for watching at home.
That's it from us. Good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Ericsson