8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - Episode #7.8 - full transcript

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

APPLAUSE

Tonight on
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...

Sean Lock,

Sarah Millican,

Rhod Gilbert,

Roisin Conaty,

David O'Doherty,

Susie Dent,

and Rachel Riley.

Now welcome your host...



Jimmy Carr!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10
Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.

Did you know, for example,
according to Shakespeare,

there are seven stages of man?
And I can name all seven.

There's newborn baby,
young boy, immature man,

immature man, immature man,
immature man...

dead.

To be xanthodontic means
to have yellow teeth.

I wouldn't know about yellow teeth.

Mine are so bright I have to
dip them when I drive at night.

And a Nebuchadnezzar is the
equivalent to 20 bottles of wine,

which in turn is equivalent to
a quiet night in for Sean.



Right, let's get started.

CHEERING

OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.

CHEERING
Thank you.

I'm not saying Sean
likes to grumble,

but his favourite song is

Ant and Dec's
Let's Get Ready To Grumble,

his favourite food is apple grumble,

his favourite Springwatch
presenter is Kate Grumble,

and his favourite ever boxing match
was The Grumble In The Jungle.

And joining Sean tonight,
it's Roisin Conaty.

CHEERING

Roisin is an Irish name
meaning "delicate flower,"

and that's fitting - a flower
because of her beauty, and delicate

because she's drunk two bottles
of wine on an empty stomach.

Up against them this evening,
it's special guest team captain,

Sarah Millican.

CHEERING

Sarah doesn't like it when audience
members try to video her on stage.

I tried to video a stage show
recently and the performer got

so annoyed she ended up shooting
the ping-pong ball right at me.

And Sarah's team-mate,
it's Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING

Rhod was brought... What?!

Come on, then.
Do one of your crappy jokes.

That's the spirit!

I'm going to get a ping-pong ready.

Rhod was brought up in Carmarthen
in Carmarthenshire in Wales. Yep.

I'm not sure what that's like.

I imagine a rubbish bin
in a skip on a landfill.

Yep.

Carmarthen is the
oldest town in Wales.

Its TK Maxx dates back
to medieval times.

One for you, collectively,
and one for him.

Now, Rhod, when you've been on
Cats Does Countdown before,

you've always got the conundrum.
You're brilliant at it.

What's your secret? It's not
much of a secret, to be honest.

You look at the letters and...

No, you're right, there's a magic.
I've got a very rare disease.

I've got a very rare disease is the
truth, and it's a very sad story.

One in a million people get this,
where you can see jumbled-up letters

and your brain instantly makes
sense of it, and you can't help it.

I can see above your head now,
floating,

a B, double L, E, an N, a D.

I just, instantly, my brain
will just make sense of that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's no secret there.

Sarah, you're team captain,

how are you going to motivate
Rhod this evening?

Erm, well, I've got some gold
stars for when you're good.

I've got some gold stars
and I brought some of these, like,

motivational things that say,
"Top marks" and "Well done" and...

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

Me and my husband wear them for,
like, after sexy time and stuff.

Let's have a look at them.
You seem to have a lot left.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Roisin, how would you
describe Sean as a leader?

I think he's firm, I think he's
a bit of a taskmaster, I think

he's fair, you know, he sort of just
tells me, like, "You better be good."

He's a good, erm... He's a good
leader. He's a good leader.

I imagine he doesn't
like me being on his team

cos I bring him down, right?

I think he likes you being around
because you start a sentence

and no-one knows, including you,

where you're going to
go with that sentence.

You just go, "I'll just open my
mouth, let's see where it takes us!"

What I don't like about
Roisin being on the show

is she's got loads of hair.

It really brings into stark
contrast my lack of hair.

We are like chalk and cheese
on the hair front, aren't we?

We could share it, though.
You could comb it over, yeah.

Do you want a bit? No, I'm all right.

If you want to get hair, just get
under it, like a brolly!

You say that now, but in
court it'll be different.

Your hair does look
very nice tonight.

Thank you very much. It's compliments
to the chefs, the make-up ladies.

They've been at it for about
two hours. I like big hair.

What can I say?

And how do you feel the wardrobe
ladies have performed?

You absolute monster!

There's an interesting contrast.

The hair and the outfit
don't really match up.

I know. I got here quite late and...

I've got nice stuff,
I've got a dress and dressy top,

but it wasn't ironed
cos I didn't get it out.

So, I mean, I sort of look like...

It's a nice jumper, it just looks
a bit like I ran out of budget there,

then just carried on. What
was that comment before the show?

You said from neck up it was...

It looks like I've said,
"Can I have Beyonce hair?"

and then Sean, it wasn't
my comment, Sean said,

"And Benefit Street bottom."

Like I said, he's firm, but fair.

OK. Sean, if you could have any
superpower, what would it be?

I tell you what, I'd like to
be really good at Countdown.

Something mild, something very
light. Something I couldn't abuse.

I don't want to have to deal
with the responsibility

of something really serious
like I can, you know, fly,

and then that just spoils
it for everyone else.

You have to get your
phone if you can fly.

You can't ignore a phone call.

What do you mean?
LAUGHTER

If you can fly, it would be like,

"Oh, someone's fallen
off a building."

You can't be like,
"Oh, I'm not going to get that,

"I'm in the middle of the telly."
If someone's falling off a building,

they don't have time
to phone you up and go,

"Aaaaargh!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

Then you look at your contacts
and go, "Right, where are they?"

They could say, "Go and fly over
the Amazon, there's a fire,

"go and do some recce."

It's always going to be
a big day, isn't it?

"Fly over the Amazon,
there's a fire." Yeah!

Talk me through your logic
there. What's going on?

Right, you sit watching the telly,
right? Yeah. Your phone goes.

Answer your phone. Hello?
Oh, hello, mate.

Sorry, I know you're busy, but
there's a fire in the Amazon, and...

LAUGHTER

..we can't get in there. Hang on,
I've just got to write this down.

Roisin, do you have a mascot?

Yes, I do, Jimmy. It's this guy.

My ideal man.

What is it?

It's a little guy I made at school.

I wasn't very good at faces,
so I refused to make a face.

You refused? Yeah.

The teacher said, "You need
to finish that," and I said,

"It is finished."

Did you pretend he was putting
his head under his jumper like that?

I was genuinely trying to say
not everyone had a head.

There you go!

There he is! Sean, just...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sean, all I would say
is commit to the bit.

I think do the rest of
the show like that. Yeah.

You know me, Jimmy!

I'm all about commitment.

Rhod, have you got a mascot? Yep.

It's sort of because
every time I come on here,

you take the piss out of me,
frankly, about being Welsh,

and you call us a bunch of
inbred sheep-shaggers

in one way or another, so my mascot
tonight is some of my friends

and family who I've brought along
to show you how offensive

and, sort of, unfair
and outdated your views are.

Where are they?
Just in the front there.

THEY CHEER

APPLAUSE

What's going on? What's going on?

I don't like it!

Is the one at the end shagging
an inflatable sheep?

Yeah, funnily enough
I didn't tell him to do that!

Sean, are you all right in there?
Yeah, yeah, fine, yeah.

I bet it's cosy.
It's actually quite smelly. Oh.

You don't normally get to,

sort of, live in a tent
with your armpits like this.

Yeah, it must be quite weird.

It must be difficult.
Erm, yeah, hang on, we'll just...

Where's my pen?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You guys!

You guys.

We better get back,
otherwise we won't get paid.

I'll play Countdown all on my own.

Quite fun. That was very much
like being back at school.

I assume someone's doing
something behind me.

LAUGHTER

Are you feeling ghosts?
There's no-one behind you.

Yeah, there is.

LAUGHTER

Sarah, have you got a mascot?
Erm, yes, I have.

What I decided, cos I've not been
doing brilliantly at the show,

so I decided maybe
I could do it for the women,

I could try and win today for...
Sorry, you're the wrong gender.

So I thought, that's
what my mascot is.

First of all, what I've got is,
just every now and again

when I need geeing up...

DESTINY'S CHILD:
# All the women who are independent

# Throw your hands up at me... #
Thank you.

Some of the women were
joining in. Thank you.

I've also got a burnt bra.

It's not really a political thing,
it's just sometimes in the summer,

my bra smelled meaty,
so I chucked it on the barbecue.

I've also got, erm...
That's an angry thrush, erm...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's to represent some of the stuff
that we women have to deal with.

That one's been in my pants all day.

No wonder it's furious.

That's great. So you're
doing it for the ladies?

I'm doing it for the ladies today!
LADIES CHEER

Sean, have you got a mascot?

Yes, I have, Jimmy.
LAUGHTER

I think we've reached the
tipping point and gone over.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Go on, what's your mascot?

I haven't got a mascot, Jimmy,
but I'm endeavouring to bring

back an art form, to reinvent an art
form, which is the limerick,

and a lot of people don't
realise that the limerick was

originally invented
for topical reasons,

a bit like the calypso,

and I've written a book of
gritty limericks dealing with

some of the more serious issues
that society needs to face up to.

It's about the difficult
decisions people have to make,

which are only made possible
by recent advances in surgery.

# There was a Kardashian dad... #

TENSE LAUGHTER

# For whom being a man made him sad

# He went to the doctor

# Said "Chop what you ought to"

# "Honest, it's not just a fad." #

And this is about teenage
pregnancy in the inner cities,

particularly north of the border.

# There was a young lady from Govan

# Who'd found she'd got
a bun in the oven

# She was only 14

# On sex she was keen

# But it's OK,
cos the dad was only 11. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll finish on this one.

This next one carries a very stark
message for which I make no apology.

It's about the importance
of safe sex. Ahem.

# There was a young man from Tring

# For whom Aids was a terrible thing

# He'd caught it by chance
when he sat on a lance

# Of a sailor just
back from Beijing. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, over in Dictionary Corner
we've got David O'Doherty.

CHEERING

David, Susie's obviously
brilliant at looking up long words

in the dictionary and telling
us what we could've had. Yup.

What are you bringing
to Dictionary Corner?

Erm, I'm bringing the "Dic"
to Dictionary Corner.

No, I mean, I'm here for obviously
the ratings, the lady ratings.

You know, when this appears
on Channel 4, people are like,

"Uhh," so, you know,

doi-oi-oing or whatever
happens with the ladies.

I'm also here because, I mean,

Susie's the brains of the operation,

but she's so nice I feel I can be
sassier than her, especially

if people come up with shitty words.

I mean, she's never going to go...

"Fuck off."

That's what I'm going to bring.

A level of sass that this
show hasn't seen before.

With David, of course,
it's Susie Dent!

CHEERING

I'm not saying Susie Dent is boring,
but if you're driving in a car

with her, the Government recommends
you pull over every 30 minutes.

Fuck you, mate!

APPLAUSE

Susie, are there any words
in other languages that we'd

benefit from in English?

There's a Chinese word, I think,
it's koro -

it's either Chinese or Japanese,

and it means the fear that your
penis is shrinking.

It's a very interesting
question, that,

because it's always
doing one or the other.

I've never looked at my penis
and it's been the same size twice.

It's always surprising me.

Sometimes I go, "Oh, blimey!"

and other times I go,
"What is that?!"

Sean, is this YOUR penis
you're looking at? Yeah.

Looking at my penis,
I find endlessly fascinating.

Not endlessly. Not endlessly,
that's the wrong word.

It's 46 years old, my penis.

46! It's older than
Sydney Opera House, my penis!

Has it had as many visitors? Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, and in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!

CHEERING

People think Rachel was lucky to
get her job, but it wasn't luck.

She got the job because she stayed
in school, worked hard,

and started those rumours
about Carol Vorderman.

Rachel, obviously you're
brilliant at maths. We know that.

If you could be brilliant at
anything else, what would it be?

If I could have another talent,
I'm a big animal lover,

so it would be really cool
if you could control birds.

Say there was an annoying person
or maybe like a sex pest you

wanted to avoid, you could,
like, get a wall of peacocks,

or if they were coming towards you,

you could send the geese after them,
or if they were, you know,

really persistent
and made loads of jokes

and rude comments about you,
you could just send

a load of pigeons to shit all
over their chequered shirt.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We'll move on.

OK, tonight, the prize the teams
will be competing for is this,

the Countdown Violin!

CHEERING

TUNELESS SCREECHING

He's never had a lesson! More!

APPLAUSE

OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.

Sean and Roisin, you get the first
pick of the letters. Go on, Roisin.

You've played this before. You know
what to do. Don't mess it up.

Can I have three vowels,
please, Rachel?

- Thank you, Roisin.

U

I

E

- And can I have three consonants?

S

R

T

- And what have I got left?
- Three more.

- And can I have
another vowel, please?

That doesn't bode well
for the maths round, does it?

And two more consonants, please.

T

R

OK, and for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.

CHEERING

CHEERING

Shit!

Erm, what have you got, Roisin?

I've got, erm, five. Five. OK.
Sean, how many have you got?

Six. Rhod?

Seven. Sarah?

Seven.

OK. Roisin, your five.

TRUST

OK, TRUST. Sean, your six?

STRAIGHT

STRAIGHT. Sarah, your seven?

RESTART

Excellent. Oh, yeah.

Oh, thanks!

And your seven?

STARTER

Also very good. STARTER.

OK, so that's seven points for
Sarah and Rhod. Impressive.

APPLAUSE

David O'Doherty and Susie Dent,
could they have done any better?

Susie got a nine-letter
word. Oh, wow.

I would say it in a Frenchie way...

FRENCH ACCENT: TRAITEURS.

What is TRAITEURS?

TRAITEURS is a delicatessen
in French-speaking countries.

OK, all I will say is, ladies
and gentlemen, Susie Dent. Rockin'.

CHEERING

If it's only in
French-speaking countries,

how has it made it into
the English dictionary?

Rhod, sorry, what are
you grumbling about?

I'm grumbling because how come it's
made it into the English Dictionary

if it's a word that's only
in French-speaking countries?

You're Welsh and you're here.

That is true, but
the definition of me

in the dictionary doesn't say,
"Only available in fucking Wales."

Unfortunately.

LAUGHTER

So at the end of that, Sarah
and Rhod are in the lead

with seven points. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Onto our first numbers round.

OK, Sarah and Rhod,
you get to pick the numbers.

Do you want to do the honours,
Rhod? What do you fancy?

Erm, I'd like one big and five
small and nothing else will do.

OK, thank you, Rhod.

The five smalls are 4, 8,

6, 5,

10 and the big one, 100.

Ooh, that is a big one.

And your target, 444.

OK, well, your time starts now.

Do you know what? 30 seconds is not
long enough to enjoy Roisin's face.

Everyone says that.

LAUGHTER

Did you get it, Roisin? Maybe. I'm
not sure. Yes? Sean, did you get it?

Yeah. I have, I've got it.
Sarah, did you get it? Yeah. Rhod?

Yeah, 30 seconds was
dragging, to be honest.

Roisin, I'd be very interested
to know how you got it. OK.

Cos I believe everyone else.

5 x 100 = 500

10 + 6 = 16

16 x 4 = 64?

- No?
- Yep.

- Is it? Is it, Rach?
- Yeah, it is.

- And then take that away...

Oh. 436. Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I blame this dick!

- Hang on, you've got a number left.

You've got a number left.
- You're not done.

- 436 + 8, I reckon.

I broke my little man!

CHEERING

Everyone was really rooting
for you, there.

You really tricked us there,

pretending you hadn't got it
right until the last minute.

That's a really interesting method.

- Wouldn't have thought of that one.
- Thank you! Thank you, Rachel!

I don't think that was a
compliment...

She said it was
an interesting method.

- She did, it was a compliment.
- Yeah.

Rachel, out of interest,

would you have used all the
letters straightaway, would you?

They're numbers,
aren't they, Rachel?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't you rip that up!

- Thank you.
- Yes, well done.

- I'll put it there,
I'll put it over this guy.

OK, so, Sarah, how did you do it?

100 x 4 = 400

5 x 10 = 50

400 + 50 - 6

- Yep, well done.
- Thanks, love.

APPLAUSE
10 points to both teams.

OK, the scores at the moment,
Sean and Roisin are on 10,

Sarah and Rhod on 17.

APPLAUSE

And here is your teaser,
the words are LICK THIS,

the clue is - it's really sensitive.

That's LICK THIS, it's really
sensitive. See you after the break.

Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were LICK THIS,

the clue was -
it's really sensitive.

It was, of course, TICKLISH.

So, Sarah and Rhod are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a little bit.

They've been playing in teams
so far,

but this game is just
for Rhod and Roisin.

OK, so, Rhod, your turn to
choose the letters.

Five vowels, four consonants,
please.

OK. You've got

I

A

E

O

and another A.

That's a lot of vowels.

V

P

F

and N.

OK. And your time starts now.

Thank you for that.

Rhod, how many?

Well, I've got an embarrassing five.

Roisin? I've got a four or a five.

If he's got five, there's no point
going for you four, is there?

It might be a six. No, no,
still a five. Still a five.

I was counting the letters wrong.
It's a five. It's a five.

It's made up, but... Yeah.

It's definitely not a five.

Are you sure?

Are you going to go for it? VAPEN.

VAPEN?

VAPEN is a... I can't believe
you went for VAPEN.

Susie? No.

OK, Rhod, what was your five?

AVIAN. Well, five points to Rhod.

David, Susie, could they have done
any better?

Susie has two brilliant words.
One is APNOEA. Like sleep APNOEA?

Yeah. But get how it's spelt.

A-P-N-O-E-A.

Yeah, right, dictionary.

And the other six, then, is PAVANE.
PAVANE. PAVANE. Which is a dance.

OK, at the end of that,
Sean and Roisin have ten points,

Sarah and Rhod are right
in the lead with 22.

APPLAUSE

Right, now time for Sarah and Sean
to go head-to-head.

Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.

I'll have one from the top and five
from everywhere else, please.

Thank you, Sean. One large,
five little ones.

And, this time, the numbers are

6, 10

9, 4

5, and the big one, 25.

And the target - 254.

Do it again. Go again.
I mean, really?

974?

OK. Your time starts now.

Sarah, did you get it? I've got 975.

975. Pretty close. Sean?

975. Sarah, how did you do it?

25 x 10 = 250

Yep.

250 x 4 = 1,000

6 + 4 + 5 = 15

1,000 - 15

6 + 4 + 5 = 15

1,000 - 15 = 985

Oh, 985. Oh, God. OK. Bugger.

Sean, how did you do it?

5 x 6 = 30

30 + 9 = 39

30 + 9 = 39

39 x 25

39 x 25 = 975

One away.

Well done. Well done.

Seven points to Sean, there.

Rachel, could it be done?
Yep. It wasn't easy, though.

9 x 5 = 45

45 + 25 = 70

Yeah.

10 + 4 = 14

70 x 14 = 980

980 - 6

You can't say it wasn't easy
and then show you've done it.

It's like going, "It wasn't easy.
It's only because I'm brilliant."

Poor old Sarah, thick as shit,
didn't get it.

OK, so, Sean and Roisin have 17.

Sarah and Rhod
are in the lead with 22.

Sorry I let you down.

Time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.

David O'Doherty, what have you got
for us? Thank you, James.

What have I got? Well,

my name is Florence
and this is my machine.

I've discussed on this show before,

I have a mildly
disproportionate body,

re: shape

and, so, I decided to try and write
a song about my struggle.

And I realise that was
the title of Hitler's book,

but this is different.

# I have quite short legs

# They're shorter than you'd think

# They start quite low down

# And then it's the ground

# I'm pretty tall
but it's all in the torso

# It's so hard to get jeans

# You don't have to roll up

# Like the trousers of a child

# Who'll grow into them but I won't

# This is it

# I have quite short legs

# If you drew me naked
people would say

# You've done that wrong

# People aren't supposed
to be like that

# If anyone had legs like that
they'd be a panda or an ewok

# But I'm not
I'm a man

# Just remember this

# Long-legged people
Short-legged people

# We're just people

# And we all move through
this life together

# Just some of us, our legs are
moving a lot faster than others

# Like a dog beside a horse

# Or a dog beside
a much, much smaller dog

# I was the only one in my class at
school who couldn't do the hurdles

# My balls would just clang
off the wooden bits

# Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha

# Do you find that funny?

# I'd like to see your faces
on long-haul aircraft travel

# "Oh, I'm dying here"

# And I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha"

# With my tiny, weeny little legs

# Inside the sort
of magazine netting

# In the back of the seat in front

# Like a kind of a hammock. #

David O'Doherty, everyone.

And here is your teaser.
The words are HER PANTS.

The clue is - they're dangerous
to touch. That's HER PANTS -

they're dangerous to touch.
See you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser... The words were HER PANTS.

The clue was,
they're dangerous to touch.

It was, of course, PANTHERS.

OK, before we go on,
let's change things a bit.

It's time to give Sarah and Sean
an extra player.

But these are no ordinary players,
they are Countdown super players.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.

APPLAUSE

What's going on?

OK, before you pick, let me tell you
a little bit about Susie and Rachel.

Susie has appeared in over 3,000
episodes of Countdown,

but she's never scored
a single point.

LAUGHTER

Rachel could come in very
useful during a maths round,

but if there is a surprise dancing
round, you are screwed!

LAUGHTER

OK, Sarah,
you get the chance to pick.

It's tricky
because I'm clearly rubbish at both.

I could do with help from both
of you, but I always think I'm

slightly better at maths
so I'll have Susie if I may.

You may. Thank you.

OK, Susie Dent.
So, Rachel, you're with Sean.

Come and join us!

APPLAUSE

We weren't expecting this!
Hello, Rachel.

So, you've never
played this game before.

You've been on the show 2,000
times... A long time.

..and never played.
No, and I'm really worried.

What are you worried about?
Brain freeze.

I'd be more worried about getting
bored, don't worry about brain
freeze!

This is the thing... You don't
realise until you sit here.

That clock, the stress and
the pressure and everything.

It's quite hard work sitting here.

There's people watching this
with proper jobs!

They may beg to differ.
No, there's not.

There's never been anyone watch this
with a proper fucking job!

LAUGHTER

OK. Rachel, do you think you'd be
better at the letters or numbers?

Well, hopefully the maths, but there
is more pressure on the numbers.

I'm fine with consonants,
but vowels... I often just guess.

You know, you put the consonants...

It's obvious
where the consonants go,

but some vowels sound the same,
don't they?

English... It just makes up spelling.

Rachel, what are you talking about?

LAUGHTER

It's weird that you are over there
and you seem so intelligent.

LAUGHTER

And you come and sit down
and it's just nonsense from you.

It's my fault, is it? Is like Roisin
is dragging you down to her level.

Sarah, can we get some, like...?

I feel like the women are being
picked on.

Yeah, I think... Well,
we need a little bit of this.

I've brought some chocolate.

Just for the girls, though,
cos chocolate...

It's Yorkies that apparently aren't
for girls and I thought, sod that!

I'll decide what goes in my mouth.

LAUGHTER

Susie and you guys as well.

I've got something else that might
help the girls a bit, as well.

Um... I've brought us
a new bra that's just come out.

LAUGHTER

Um... I can show you like that.

So that when men glance, they are
reminded where they should be
looking.

Into your mind?

Yeah... Oh, OK.

..which is in my tits!

LAUGHTER

I think that's where
they're supposed to be.

I have them on comfort level, but I
think they are supposed to...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you just eat a whole Yorkie,
Roisin?

How much is left of your Yorkie?
How much is left?

Roisin, how much is left?
Show me how much is left.

How much is left?

MUMBLES WITH MOUTHFUL OF CHOCOLATE

You just ate a whole Yorkie!

You're like a pelican for chocolate.

LAUGHTER

You just devoured that.
You inhaled it!

I was listening to the breast stuff.
I was enjoying myself.

Are you not going to eat yours,
Rachel? No.

Sean, leave it.
I think Roisin wants another one.

Oh, I'll chuck it in.

She doesn't care
if it's got a wrapper on!

OK. If Susie and Rachel are playing
the game,

we'll need someone to take
over their jobs.

For one night only, say hello to
the new Rachel Riley and Susie Dent.

It's David Doherty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm doing everything
so I'm going to be checking as we go.

Check as you go and you have
Dictionary Corner, as well, so...

I've got it! What do you want?
From letters...

or your choice.

What do you say? You don't go,
"What do you want?"

OK, Susie, for the first time ever,

it's your turn to choose
the letters.

Wow!

Um... I will have a consonant,
please.

W

Vowel.

Yeah, O.

Er... consonant.

The letter R.

Consonant, please.

The letter...

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

Isn't that amazing!

Finally Roisin has seen a word
up there.

OK. Susie?

Consonant, please.

N

Vowel.

E

Another vowel.

O

Consonant.

X

I will finish with a consonant,
please.

And an S.

APPLAUSE

Your time starts now.

Susie, how many letters?
Eight, but it's risky.

OK, Rhod, what have you got?

Eight, and I'll bet you it is
riskier than yours.

LAUGHTER

It is.

Susie's openly laughed at yours.
Sarah?

I've got a confident six.
Confident six. Sean?

Seven. Roisin?

Five. And Rachel? Seven.

OK, Roisin, your five?

SWORD

Sword? I'll just check.
David, is SWORD a word?

How is she spelling it?

LAUGHTER

Yes, I've no problem with that,
look! There you go.

OK. Sean?

Er... SEXDOOR.

LAUGHTER

SEXDOOR. Could you define SEXDOOR?

I'd rather not.

LAUGHTER

I'd rather your imaginations
did that work.

I'm looking for SEXDOOR and
I'm going to predict it's not there,

but sexidecimal is there.

Oh, relating to a reckoning
by sixteenths. So... No, that's not..

No...

OK. Sarah, your six.

WOODEN

Rachel, your seven?

DOWNERS

Very good. Yep, very good.

Yeah, no problem with that.
What else have we got?

What was your risky eight, Rhod?
It's very risky.

Don't try this at home,
but it's DROWNSEX.

LAUGHTER

I've only tried it a couple of times.
It's very risky.

Yeah, no... Someone...
You check it. It's not there.

It's definitely not there.

Susie Dent, your first ever time
playing Countdown. Your risky eight?

I had SEXDROWN.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, your risky eight was SEXDROWN?
Or NEOWORDS.

There were lots of risky eights
in there. Is NEOWORDS a word, David?

Oh, Jesus! This is the hardest...
I mean... Can someone...

Can anyone do a turn or anything?

I need about... NEOWORDS? No, I'm...

Neo-Georgian, neo-...

I'm sorry, it's not there.
You're not there!

Look at your tiny little legs!

OK, could they have done any better?

The best that I could have done was
whoever did the best one there.

So, Rachel gets the points
with a seven.

APPLAUSE

The scores at the moment, Sarah,
Rhod and Susie have 22,

Sean, Roisin and Rachel
have 24.

There's nothing in it.

APPLAUSE

Here is your final teaser.
The words are RHOD WANK.

The clue is,
it make your wrists sore.

That's RHOD WANK.
It makes your wrists sore.

See you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were RHOD WANK,

the clue was - it makes
your wrists sore.

It was, of course, HANDWORK.

OK, time for our
final numbers round.

Rachel, do you want
to pick the numbers?

Erm...

I was trying to do
the rising thing. Yes?

What rising thing?

HE MAKES MECHANICAL NOISE

David, have you got the numbers?

Sorry, I was just down there
in the cool numbers basement.

What do you want?

Two big and four little.

I'm going to go with a 7.

Higher or lower than a 7?
Oh, no, no, no! You can't...

That's the wrong game.
I can't handle it.

You have to put the
big ones on that side.

Fuck's sake!

OK, got it. OK. Erm, 25.

Higher or lower than a 25?

Higher! Higher!

You're right!
Higher or lower than a 75?

ALL: Lower!

Ooh!

Higher or lower than a 10?

ALL: Lower!

It's a 7! You're on!
You could win something!

Higher or lower?

ALL: Lower!

You've got it! Last one,
what's it going to be?

Higher or lower than a 6?

MIXED RESPONSE

What?
MIXED RESPONSE

You decide. Higher.

Ooh!

Ladies and gentlemen, the
number you're searching for...

is 113.
LAUGHTER

Hit it again, hit it again.
What do you mean?

Yeah, I've got that! Look!

That, that... that...

and some of these!

Do it again.

OK, so the target is 816.

Eh... Go.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Good boy. Good boy.

MACHINE WHIRS

Oh, hello, boys.
Yep, come on. Come on, baby.

Oh, yes.

ALL: Aww!

I've just made a puppy.

OK, go on, you better take him.

APPLAUSE

Rachel, did you get it?
Yep, I got it.

Roisin, what did you get?
I don't know!

It's a mixed ability group,
your team, isn't it, Sean?

You don't know what you got?
I got...

75 + 25 = 100

100 x 9 = 900

I got 900, and then

take away some others.

Sean? Sean, did you get it?

Well, we had Rachel,
so I didn't bother.

Sarah, did you get it?

Well, they had Rachel,
so I didn't bother.

No, I didn't get close.
OK, Rhod, did you get it?

No, I think I got about
813 or something. OK.

Susie, did you get it?

811, which is a bit rubbish. 811.

Yeah. So 5 off the pace.

Erm, well, I would say,

"Rachel, how did you do it?"

but I'm more interested in...

Could it be done, David?

It definitely, definitely...

APPLAUSE

Come on, Rachel!

Put us out of our bloody misery.

What shall I keep in between the
lines here? What's my numbers?

OK, 75 + 25

That's 100. Thank you.

100 - 10

That gives us 90.

You're now over 700 away.

90 x 9

Oh, that multiplied by that
gives us 900, yes.

No, 90 x 9. Yep.

We're running out of space
and Homes Under The Hammer

is coming up after the break,
so we've had a great show...

APPLAUSE

100 x 90 = 9,000

Yeah, but I didn't... Just 90 x 9.

90 x 9, yep... Oh, is 888.

810.

9 x 9 = 810

810, yep.

Yep, and then add the 6.

Yep, and add the 6 and
that gives you 806,

and that's how it's done.

APPLAUSE

OK, so Sarah, Rhod
and Susie have 22,

Sean, Roisin and Rachel
have 34 points. Holy shit!

APPLAUSE

OK, fingers on buzzers. It's time
for today's Countdown Conundrum.

Your time starts now.

BELL

Rachel?

Is it THRUSTING?

Let's have a look and see.

Yes!

APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are Sarah,
Rhod and Susie have 22 points,

but tonight's winners with 44 points
are Sean, Roisin and Rachel!

CHEERING

You're now the proud owner of this,
the Countdown Violin!

Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience,

and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us. Goodnight.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Ericsson