8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 18, Episode 1 - Episode #18.1 - full transcript
It's team captain Sean Lock and beef-addicted Miles Jupp vs. team captain Jon Richardson and Kiwi comedienne Rose Matafeo. Susie Dent and Vic Reeves are in Dictionary Corner, Rachel Riley is at the Countdown Board and Jimmy Carr hosts.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,
Sean Lock,
Jon Richardson,
Miles Jupp,
Rose Matafeo,
Vic Reeves,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome
to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
It's the late-night numbers
quiz for people that like to
slip in a few digits before bedtime.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Sean is 55 years old, or as he likes
to call it,
three shillings and sixpence.
And joining Sean tonight,
we've got Miles Jupp.
Hello.
Miles went to an all-boys
boarding school.
I assume.
Up against them this
evening is Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson - he's duller than
the pain I feel in my left testicle.
And Jon's team-mate,
it's Rose Matafeo.
When Rose won
the Edinburgh Comedy Award,
the New Zealand Prime Minister sent
her a congratulatory tweet.
That's the New Zealand Prime
Minister for ya - busy, busy, busy.
Rose, it's your first time on
the show.
Are you good at the numbers,
are you good at the maths?
Erm, when I was younger I had a real
good sense of maths
and English and then the internet
was invented, er,
and then I kind of got a bit
distracted,
so I have no skills when it
comes to adding or words.
Erm, so... No.
Er... I think you're gonna fit right
in.
Are you happy to be on a team with
Jon?
I am so happy to be on a team with
Jon.
I am over the moon. He is a loving
father, a good husband
and he regularly donates to
charity...
Was that what you wanted me to say?
That was good.
I think it sort of came across a bit
like I was YOUR dad.
I know, it didn't it? It did, yeah.
I shouldn't have opened with
"loving father".
Jon, what would people be
surprised to hear about you, Jon?
I imagine they'd be surprised to
hear I've got a tattoo.
I haven't, but...
It'd be a hell of a surprise,
wouldn't it? Imagine that.
I'm wearing odd socks.
I'm not, again, imagine the gasps.
I'm respected by my peers.
I'm not, but...
..imagine if I said it.
I don't wanna surprise people.
Come and see Jon Richardson,
you want a tedious man in a cardigan
to whinge until you leave
and feel better about the life you
left behind when you came here.
Sean, you're a collector of things.
Do you collect anything?
Wh-where have you heard this from?
There are... there are rumours that
you collect things.
Have you been in my house?
No, I used to collect stuff,
but I'm actually the opposite now.
I'm what you'd call a...
I think people call it uncluttering.
Er, the council call it fly-tipping.
Getting rid of stuff, getting rid of
stuff... Right.
..to a point where that becomes
an obsession as well.
I got rid of all the tables,
the chairs and tables in our house.
We, as a family, eat at five
lecterns...
..cos obviously the sloped surface
means there's no soup or stew.
Peas. Even sprouts are tricky.
Custard, no.
Mostly we just stand at lecterns
eating bananas.
But, er, yeah,
I used to collect stuff like crazy.
I used to collect, you know
those life-saving rings, you know?
In public places.
You know, where you see a pond
or, you know, a harbour,
cos they have the name,
they have the name of the place.
Right. No, it's a keepsake.
If they don't want it to be stolen,
they shouldn't make them so easy to
take off.
That's what I think.
Yeah, it's a good point.
Miles, you and Sean have
been on a winning streak recently.
What makes you such a good team?
Well, what does make us a good team?
We've got chemistry, I think.
Oh, absolutely sizzling, yeah.
We're like... we're like two
snuggled-up fajitas.
But I suppose, yeah, really,
it's probably down,
we've sort of similar backgrounds,
similar interests.
Mm. Yeah.
And we've got the same hobbies,
haven't we?
We both like, er, drinking and
fighting. Yeah, we do.
It's like seeing a mirror talk
to itself. It's amazing.
And what about mascots?
Jon, have you got a mascot?
I've noticed over recent
time period, erm,
a rise in the sort of sale of these
sort of things.
I get given a lot of them.
Sort of witty messages written
on bits of wood
that are supposed to make you feel
better about life.
And what really annoys me about
them, they sort of hint at quite
bleak comedy, that when you analyse
them, the basic message is that men
go into sheds and masturbate quietly
on their own,
and women just clock-watch until
they can drink enough gin
to escape their miserable lives.
So, I thought in these troubled
times,
why not get in on that market?
And my messages are slightly
pithier,
they're slightly more to the point,
and they're all written in an
ecological angle
on things that I've found washed
up on my local beach at Blackpool.
Some of them aren't finished yet,
so this is one I'm still working on.
It says...
This one is...
Oh, you're having one of those
weeks, are you? Yeah!
Ah. More and more,
would you believe.
Best to keep it private.
That's my advice, mate.
This is a number of things I've
gathered from the beach and
this is both an ecological message
and it's a message about trying
to find love in our times
and it's entirely made from condoms
that have washed up.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
I've written it.
It spells out in the condoms,
you can see that,
"There are actually fewer fish in
the sea thank you think."
And that's both a message about the
fleeting nature of love,
which is why I've used the condoms
as the medium for this piece,
and, of course, because the condoms
are choking the wildlife of our
seas,
so it's both a literal
message about the fact that
if you're gonna use a condom,
and you absolutely should, just...
And I don't really know what
you do with them.
Swallow 'em. Swallow them?
Swallow 'em,
straight away afterwards.
Like a chewy oyster.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
It's incredible the things you
find on the beach
and I can't believe the things
people throw away.
So, this is my biggest piece,
and this is a sort of wider
message about the time we live in.
This is called Time
and this is something I've
found on Blackpool beach last week.
Nobody claimed it.
I watched for about an hour,
erm, nobody came,
and I think... It hasn't moved,
so I assume it's for sale,
so 50 quid or something for that
if anyone's, erm, interested.
What does it say on it?
It says, "We are all".
That's the, er, gentleman.
"We are all." It's quite beautiful.
Oh, he's alive.
I thought you were, erm...
Rose, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, well, it's my first
time on the show.
I feel nervous,
so I wanted to relax.
I'm a massive crocheter,
so I've bought my crochet in today
and I'm hoping to finish a blanket
by the end of the show.
Can you crochet, Jimmy?
Can you? No.
I can do it with my eyes closed now.
Do you want me to show you?
Yeah, go on.
One crochet, and the crowd can
verify if this is actually crochet.
So, I'm doing a chain here,
another chain,
and then we're going in here,
into this hole, around,
and we're doing a double crochet
through these and then through here.
Did I do it? Yeah, perfect, there,
so...
APPLAUSE
I'm gonna be working on that.
That is some... some nice
crocheting you've got there.
It's quite good and I love crochet
because it means that
I don't have to make direct eye
contact with people.
Miles, have you got a mascot?
Er, I do actually, yeah. It is
related to this, er, this bell here.
Something I've become involved in
recently, it's essentially a sort
of charity, it's about giving less
advantaged people opportunities
and what I do is I ring this
bell and then this happens.
See, what this is, this is Ian here
and Ian's got a trolley, you see,
cos what am I training you up to be,
Ian?
A beef waiter.
Oh. To serve Mr Jupp his beef.
If you could... That's right
just across there. Perfect.
It's a good system, isn't it, Ian?
It's good.
Yeah, I'm learning a valuable skill.
He's learning a very valuable skill.
And it benefits both of us,
I would say, because Ian
is not long out of prison.
He was in prison, it was something
to do with a donkey.
Don't. He stole it or he
mistreated it or he rode it
where he shouldn't have done, and,
erm...
LAUGHTER
Plate, always the plate,
remember? Thanks.
I'm gonna need a knife and fork.
That's right. Thank you.
Is that enough?
That is... Two more pieces.
I'll bring, I'll bring...
Just gently. Right, that is
quite a big... Did you cut...?
Christ, Ian.
I'll give you a little one.
Just a little one, there we go.
For garnish.
Thank you very much indeed, Ian.
That's a good start to the
evening, I think. Thank you.
Excellent. Well, Jimmy, you may
continue.
Are you gonna eat all of that? Yeah.
Well, I...
Is it nice beef? I'm gonna
give... It's excellent beef, yeah.
When do you next
plan on having a shit?
Not while he's eating his beef.
You know this might be the only
thing you see me eat today
and immediately you're thinking,
the first mouthful,
"Oh, how long does it take you
to have a shit?"
I mean, what... Have you got quite
an efficient system?
Oh, sometimes I've
shat before I've even eaten it.
Sometimes I have one in the morning
and I think,
"Well, I haven't eaten anything, so
that must the Weetabix
"I'm about to have."
OK, Sean have you got a mascot?
Well, you know these days,
there's a lot of vouchers
and I think that it's a huge market
and I'm gonna move into it,
so I've come up with a system
of vouchers for different things.
For example, this one is
a voucher from Dignitas, and, er...
..you buy one, you get one free...
..and if you take part in their
loyalty scheme,
you can get the whole family done...
at a very reasonable price.
What a lovely thought. Yeah.
What pet owner wouldn't be
delighted to open an envelope
and find that they had a voucher
for a free worming for a
small dog or a large cat?
I've got quite a few of these
vouchers, Jimmy.
Here's one. This is meet
Kid Creole & The Coconuts.
Now, to be honest with you,
I've got quite a lot of these.
It was Kid Creole's idea,
he got in touch with me.
I think he's just lonely
and he wants to meet people.
Where are they redeemable?
Those ones.
Oh, you just have to, erm...
LAUGHTER
Most shops, most high-street shops?
Well, no, there's loads of
information
that comes with the voucher. Oh, OK.
Cos I had to contact
Kid Creole, I mean...
It doesn't seem to say
anything on the back. Eh?
This may come as a bit of a shock
to you, but I'm doing jokes.
Fucking hell.
OK, this one allows you to pull
the emergency cord on a train.
Everybody wants to do that
once in their life.
Obviously no-one should try doing
that, unless you have a voucher.
Yeah. I would like to get that, say,
"Oh, I can just go and..."
And then just go, "Ha-ha!"
as all the red-faced people come
towards you
during the rush hour.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
And they go, "Urgh!"
This one, this is a good one.
This allows you to shoplift
up to the value of £100.
You get caught, you just go,
"Ha-ha!"
And, er, of course, you don't need
to use it till you get caught.
Park in the middle of Stonehenge.
Be a dentist for a day.
I mean, I can do the whole show
if you want.
And this one, up to ten minutes
before it starts,
you can cancel a school
nativity play.
They're all about to go,
they've got their wings on,
and you just hold that up to the...
And the whole thing's off.
You can masturbate in front
of a junior member of staff.
Give that to Jimmy...
Oh! Ah, it expired in 1975.
Sean's vouchers, everyone.
A lot of fun.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Vic Reeves.
Vic, I've got a question for you.
What's the first thing you
do in the mornings?
Wake up.
Open the window, climb in.
Put me clothes on, have a shower.
I'm not stupid, I have an umbrella.
OK, and with Vic is, of course,
Susie Dent.
Susie recently went on an
eight-date theatre tour.
I bought a ticket and it was
the best seat in the house.
My house. I did not go.
Have there been any mishaps on
regular Countdown recently, Susie?
Yes, we have mishaps all the time,
particularly during my Origins
Of Words bit, the bit you love.
That bit? Yeah.
I've never seen it,
I always fast-forward, but...
I was talking about the earliest
dictionaries,
which were dictionaries of criminal
slang, so underground slang,
and I was talking about this
magistrate in the 16th century
who just loved collecting all these
kind of grim and grimy words,
and apparently he would stand at his
door and ask these passing people
to give them his words and he
shouted,
"Either I'll throw you in prison
or you give me your cant."
LAUGHTER
And "cant" is the word for
criminal slang,
and it came out wrong - very wrong.
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel recently released her own
fragrance and became a vegan,
but not in that order.
Have any unusual words come up on
regular Countdown recently?
One contestant offered SHAGGER,
the next one offered SHAGGED,
and the only thing that Susie could
add to the collection was DOGGERS.
OK, well, tonight the prize the
teams will be competing for
is this - the Countdown Wheel of
Cheese.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Miles, you get the first
pick of the letters.
OK, consonant. Cheers, Miles.
H
Sorry, er, another consonant.
R
A vowel, please.
A
A consonant.
T
Another vowel, please.
I
Yeah, vowel. Oh, er, another vowel.
O
Another consonant.
F
Another vowel.
A
Consonant. Yeah, we'll have a
consonant. The last one...
S
OK, and for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's not what we rehearsed.
Er, how many?
Five for me.
Sean, how many?
Six, Jimmy. Rose?
Six. Jon?
Er, five.
That's disappointing.
I think it's the beef - I got ROAST.
I got ROAST and then I couldn't get
any further.
Oh, you'd better go and...
Do you want me to, OK?
There we go.
Right, OK.
So, ROAST.
What was your five, Miles?
TRASH
TRASH? What did you look at me
for when you said that?
I didn't.
Sean?
RATIOS
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
I know, good for Sean, innit?
And, Rose?
FIRTHS? FIRTHS?
F-FIRTHS? FIRTHS.
Could you use that in a sentence?
Well, those firths are... hot.
It's a word right? Yeah.
Susie, is that...? Yeah, yeah. Oh.
Estuaries.
Yeah, as Rose said, estuaries.
Well, six points to both teams.
Vic, could they have done
any better?
Yes, they could, and they're both to
do with fish - OARFISH and RATFISH.
The OARFISH, which has got
an oar on its back.
It actually has got a wooden oar on
its back.
And the ratfish, which is, in fact,
a rat and a fish, combined.
They could have had seven points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Jon, Rose, your turn to pick
the numbers. Okey doke.
What do you think? A biggie.
Yeah. And a smally.
Yeah.
Another biggie. Yeah.
What else do we get?
I'd stick with smallies for
here on in. Smally. Smally.
Well, that is very much
your moto, isn't it, Jon?
Right, they are 6, 7,
7, 10,
50 and 25.
And the target, 931.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
OK, so the target was 931.
Jon, did you get it?
I think I got 932.
Ah, well, you did not, then.
Very disappointing.
Rose, did you get it?
Nowhere near. Sean did you get it?
935. Very disappointing.
Miles?
Er, I got a third of the way there.
A third of the way?
I got 9.
How did you do that?
Well, I...
I don't think you did.
Jon, how did you get 932?
Well, I'm not sure I did,
but let's see.
6 x 7
6 x 7 = 42
- 50 10
50 10 = 5
5 x 25
= 925
+ 7
And the other 7. Yeah, one away.
Well done.
Very good.
Seven points to Jon.
Can it be done?
Erm, yeah. It wasn't easy,
but I found three ways.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Go on, how was it? You could have
said...
25 - 6 = 19
7 x 7 = 49
19 x 49
Oh, it's easier than I thought.
Did you do that on the 19 times
table or the 49 times table?
7 x 133, so 7 x 7 x 19.
That's just saying other numbers.
So, Sean and Miles have 6,
Jon and Rose have 13.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser.
The words are LICK BONG, and the
clue is - stop that right now.
That's LICK BONG - stop that right
now. See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,
the words were Lick Bong,
the clue was "Stop that right now."
It was, of course, Blocking.
So, Jon and Rose are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams
so far,
but this game is just for Sean
and Rose.
So, Rose, your turn to choose.
All right.
May I please have a consonant?
Thank you, Rose. P.
I'm going to go with two vowels.
I and E.
Nice. Ooh.
And I'll stop there.
Um, OK, two more consonants.
V and...
..S.
What shall I do? Another consonant?
Yeah.
G. Vowel.
U.
Consonant.
C. Oh. What shall I do?
Another vow...?
Vowel?
No, ah. No. No.
Don't you dare? Consonant.
T. Yeah.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I've made cocktails.
Lovely.
Also, if anyone wants some.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, sorry, Jon, I made
one for you as well.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Sean, I made you one
with bacon in it.
Nice?
That's just mouthwash and vodka.
LAUGHTER
That's real, innit?
Yeah.
You weren't messing about.
I take it very seriously.
It's nice.
Um, Rose, how many?
Oh, five.
Five? I know, really bad.
Ahh. Terrible. OK.
It's disappointing when you think
something's going to be big
and then it's small,
isn't it, Jimmy?
Do you want another drink?
Yes, please.
OK.
Well, let's see how long
we can make this game last.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
How many, Sean?
Five.
OK, Sean, what's your five?
Guest.
Guest, OK and Rose?
Um, I'm going to go with spite.
Go with spite. Spite.
Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Very good Rose, very good.
Vic, could they have done
any better?
Seven, I've got seven.
Yeah.
Susie, you've got 6. Yeah.
I got "piegust" which is, you know,
after you've had a good pie.
LAUGHTER
I'm not sure if that's a word.
Oh, it definitely is.
It's more of a feeling.
Right, Susie's got septic or cuties.
OK, so Sean and Miles have 11,
Jon and Rose have 18.
APPLAUSE
Right, its now time for Miles
and Jon to go head-to-head.
Miles, your turn to
pick the numbers.
OK, um, right I'll just...
RINGS BELL
..if you don't mind me
doing that first.
I will...
I'll have one big one, please.
OK, do you want to just carry on?
Yeah, yeah.
Say, maybe, four small ones.
Yeah.
Have they been looking after
you in the room?
They've ignored me entirely.
Excellent.
OK, one big one,
four small ones and one big one.
Yeah. Right. That's absolutely fine,
we'll just. On it.
Its condiment time, Ian.
Right, we've got English
mustard, horseradish, ketchup.
Ketchup with beef?
No, no, sorry, never.
Never ketchup.
French mustard, Reggae Reggae.
I'll have Reggae Reggae.
Reggae Reggae?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Will you please consider
having a salad?
No, I'm... You really must have some
roughage.
I'm absolutely fine, Ian.
People are quite worried.
What, like, the doctor?
Who's worried?
No, your plumber.
He called me in tears the other day.
Thank you, Ian.
I'll be in the room.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
You can eat some beef, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, sorry,
it was just cos I need a bit of,
like, brain food.
OK, well, you've had,
you've had a nine, there.
Yeah, huh-huh.
Now you have a ten.
Ooh, Reggae Reggae.
And a two.
A six and a 75 and a 25.
And the target is 652.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 652.
Miles, did you get it?
I... Yes, I did. Yeah.
Oh.
LAUGHTER
Jon, did you get it?
No, I got 651.
OK, well, Miles, how did you do it?
Well, you get 9 times 75.
675.
And then you minus the 25.
Ah, lovely. 650.
And you add the 2.
The beef has worked. Yes.
Wow.
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us?
Well, I'd like, thank you, Jimmy,
I'd like to present a short
excerpt from one of the lectures
I do at the
Royal Historical Society,
giving information about our realm
and its history,
and I've done some drawings here.
I'd like to present it
in the realm of song, um,
and its about our monarch,
Henry VIII.
So, music, please.
# I'd like to tell you a story
tonight
# Henry VIII was capable
of flight
# One night after sex
he drew some wings
# And flew around his boudoir
pissing on things
# There he goes, flying low
# Flying slow and smoking a pipe
# Run for your life
# Oooh
# Henry VIII was capable of flight
# Henry VIII was
ca-pa-ble of flight. #
APPLAUSE
Vic Reeves, everyone.
OK, so the scores at the moment,
Jon and Rose are on 18,
Sean and Miles have 21.
APPLAUSE
Nice work.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ace holes.
The clue is "Put a bow in it."
That's ace holes, "Put a bow in it."
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -
the words were ACE HOLES.
The clue was - put a bow in it.
It was, of course, SHOELACE.
OK, another letters game coming up,
and to ramp up the tension,
this time, it's the...
Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
LAUGHTER
In this game,
we're playing for double points.
It's the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Miles, are you feeling the pressure?
Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER
I'll tell you what, his bloody
colon's feeling the pressure.
LAUGHTER
Er, Sean, Miles, you get to pick
the letters on the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
If you could look slightly more
tense, Miles, and not be giggling.
Yeah, sorry.
OK, now pick some letters. OK.
Er, consonant, consonant,
consonant, consonant.
M, J,
R, B.
Er, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.
I, E,
A, I.
I, E, A... What have you done?
LAUGHTER
Would you want a consonant
or a vowel next, Sean?
Well, I think
you'd better go with a consonant.
Well, er, vowel, please.
LAUGHTER
A consonant.
A consonant? D.
OK, for double points
in the Tension Round...
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Your time starts now.
UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC
THUNDERCLAP
Ten! Nine!
Eight! Seven!
Six! Five!
Four! Three!
Two! One!
Zero!
THUNDERCLAP
APPLAUSE
Oh, God.
What the...?
What was...?
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS
That was horrible.
That shifted some beef.
LAUGHTER
It was tense, wasn't it?
It's not so much tense
until right at the end when
a fucking bomb goes off.
LAUGHTER
Er, Jon, how many letters?
Five.
Rose, how many? Five.
Sean? Five.
Miles, how many?
Er, I got five.
I got four different fives actually.
I also got confetti in
my Reggae Reggae Sauce.
LAUGHTER
Common enough complaint.
What are you drinking there,
out of interest?
Whatever you gave me.
LAUGHTER
It looks like canal water.
I assume it's safe,
I mean, I'm guessing the beef's
safe to eat as well.
LAUGHTER
Miles, what were your fives?
Er... BRAID, BREAD, BREAM, BEARD.
Yeah. OK, erm, Sean?
Yeah, that, what he had.
What he had? OK, Rose? Yeah, same.
OK, erm, Jon?
BREAD, BREAD, BREAD.
OK, er, Vic, Susie,
could they have done any better?
Erm, BARDIE, which is
an Australian colloquialism.
What? Well, I'm not...
Do you know what a BARDIE is?
No, what is a BARDIE?
It's edible insect lava.
Oh! Hmm.
OK, well, it's... You've got fives,
but it's double points cos
it was the Tension Round, so...
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Right, on to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Rose,
you pick the numbers.
Um, OK.
Let's be honest, no matter what
I pick, I will do nothing with them.
So, it's up to you.
I mean, how much do you want
that cheese?
That's what you've got to
ask yourself.
I noticed there was
a bottle of red wine next to it
and that has ramped up
the tension somewhat. Yeah.
But I'll be honest, I'm still
trembling from that going off.
So, this will be a good
test of how good at numbers
a dog on Bonfire Night would be.
LAUGHTER
So, what I really
want to do now is...
Yeah, get in the airing cupboard.
Let's do that test!
LAUGHTER
Six small is the exciting thing
to do.
Six small. Wow, he's going for it.
Six small?
More tense than the Tension Round.
They've ruined this bit.
Fuck off, Jon.
LAUGHTER
We've got 10, 9...
Six small?
6...
8, 6 and 1.
808
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 808.
Sean, did you get it?
No, I got 806.
OK, Miles, did you get it?
Er, no. 750 something.
Jon, did you get it?
I think so. I've either got it
or I've got 80-something
and I'm about to make
an absolute tit of myself.
Oh, that'll be fun either way.
Rose, did you get it?
I got 806. 806? Yeah. OK.
So, Jon, how did you do it?
10 x 9 = 90
10 x 9 = 90
He's only bloody right.
6 + 6 - 1 = 11
Yeah.
Add them together.
101.
x 8.
Good gamble, Jon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10 points to Jon.
Time to go once again
to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us?
Sorry, what was that? I wasn't
listening, Jimmy. What did you say?
Time to go across to
Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us?
Sorry, Jimmy, I wasn't listening.
What did you say?
Time to go once again
to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us?
Well, it's interesting you should
say that, Jimmy,
because I've recently
been over to Switzerland to try
and learn that wonderful language.
So, I went off to do that and
I also at the same time won a prize,
one of those vocoders,
and I thought to myself,
"Why not combine those two things?"
So, my learning of
the Swiss language with a vocoder
and I'm going to present that to you
tonight.
Here we go.
# I went across to Switzerland
where all the yodellers be
# To try and learn to yodel
with my yodel-oh-eh-di
# I climbed a big high mountain
on a clear and sunny day
# I met a yodelling girl
up in a little Swiss chalet
# And she taught me to yodel
SYNTHESISED: # Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di
# She taught me to yodel
# Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di-eh-di-oh. #
APPLAUSE
I can go on if you want.
Yeah, yeah, more, more.
# She strapped me to a bed
# In a Swiss laboratory
# And then proceeded to give me
a tracheotomy
# She first removed my larynx
# And my vocal cords too
# And replaced them with some
scientific coils and some tubes
# And she taught me to yodel
SYNTHESISED: # Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di. #
DRAWN-OUT HOWLING AND SCREECHING
APPLAUSE
Vic Reeves, everyone!
OK, so Sean and Miles have 31
and Jon and Rose have 38
and here is your final teaser.
The words are COCK BEAM and the
clue is - nice to see you again.
That's COCK BEAM.
Nice to see you again.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser - the words were,
COCK BEAM, the clue was -
nice to see you again,
it was of course, COMEBACK.
OK, time for our final letters game,
Jon and Rose,
your time to choose, it's neck
and neck, anyone could win this.
Right, OK, erm...
Rose, how's the, how's the blanket
going, by the way?
Oh, good. How's the crochet?
Here we go. Look at that. Erm...
It's quite nice, isn't it?
It is genuinely quite pretty.
Oh, that's...
Who needs true love
when you have crochet?
Erm...
So, can I please have two vowels?
E
And...
A
Erm, consonant.
S
Ooh.
Let's have another consonant.
M
Ooh.
OK, let's have another consonant.
R
Mm... A vowel, please. A vowel.
E
Ooh, what else, what else?
Another consonant, why not?
A consonant.
P
And another vowel. Vowel.
Yeah? Yeah.
O
And a consonant now, surely?
Consonant.
Oh, we're so on the same page.
D
Yeah. OK, and your
30 seconds starts now.
Right...
POP
I put too much in, it popped.
Erm, don't try that at home, kids.
Also, you know, check your mum's
bedside drawer, see what's in there.
Er, Rose, how many?
I've got two sixes. Two sixes.
Er, Jon, how many?
I've got two sevens.
Ooh. Sean, how many?
Seven.
Miles? Seven.
OK, let's hear one of your sixes.
Erm, SPARED and MOPEDS.
SPEARED is a seven.
SPARED or SPEARED?
SPEARED.
So it's the, it's the... It was my
accent, that was my accent, SPEARED.
Say "speared, spared".
Speared, spared.
Oh, I mean, it is...
It's literally... The same,
it's literally the same. SPARED.
We've found a hole in the matrix.
SPEARED
SPEARED, SPARED. Your seven, Jon?
SPEARED
Sean?
SMEARED
And, Miles? Also SMEARED.
Also SMEARED, OK.
Use it in a sentence.
Smeared? Mm.
What was that, that you
smeared all over the sofa?
That would be an example of usage.
Mm. What was that, that you
smeared all over the bathroom?
Try to do it in a
positive way though,
that sounds like a reprimand.
I love the way you've
had that smeared. Yes.
Oh, who smeared that? It's lovely.
Susie, er, Vic, could
they have done any better?
I've got MOPEDARSE,
which is the back end of a moped.
I'm not sure that one is
going to slip by, is it?
It might be two words.
But we've got, erm,
SMEARED and REPOSED.
Yes. Ooh...
Very good. Seven points
to both teams.
APPLAUSE
OK, so, er, Sean and Miles have 38,
Jon and Rose have 45.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for
today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Fingers on buzzers,
it's all to play for.
Cheers.
OK, you ready? And now I've smeared
my screen, I can't see the...
..frigging conundrum.
Ah, it's all beef as well,
it doesn't come off with confetti.
Never clean beef grease
with confetti.
That's what David Beckham's
Sanskrit tattoos say.
OK, it's a crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
It's all to play for, there's
a wheel of cheese in this, people.
Fingers on buzzers,
your time starts now.
BELL
Sean?
Oh, wait a sec, I've just...
It's rude to talk with
your mouth full, isn't it?
You finish what you've got.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Is it, erm...
..a word beginning
with the letter...
..T?
I'll give you another 30 seconds.
BUZZER
Jon?
In Rose's words, is it "frictured"?
Let's have a look and see
if it's "frictured".
It bloody is.
They've only gone
and bloody done it. Yes!
So, the final scores are
Sean and Miles have 38,
Jon and Rose are
the winners with 55!
So, congratulations, Jon and Rose,
you're the proud owners of this,
the Countdown Wheel of Cheese!
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you
for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,
Sean Lock,
Jon Richardson,
Miles Jupp,
Rose Matafeo,
Vic Reeves,
Susie Dent,
Rachel Riley
and your host, Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome
to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
It's the late-night numbers
quiz for people that like to
slip in a few digits before bedtime.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Sean is 55 years old, or as he likes
to call it,
three shillings and sixpence.
And joining Sean tonight,
we've got Miles Jupp.
Hello.
Miles went to an all-boys
boarding school.
I assume.
Up against them this
evening is Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson - he's duller than
the pain I feel in my left testicle.
And Jon's team-mate,
it's Rose Matafeo.
When Rose won
the Edinburgh Comedy Award,
the New Zealand Prime Minister sent
her a congratulatory tweet.
That's the New Zealand Prime
Minister for ya - busy, busy, busy.
Rose, it's your first time on
the show.
Are you good at the numbers,
are you good at the maths?
Erm, when I was younger I had a real
good sense of maths
and English and then the internet
was invented, er,
and then I kind of got a bit
distracted,
so I have no skills when it
comes to adding or words.
Erm, so... No.
Er... I think you're gonna fit right
in.
Are you happy to be on a team with
Jon?
I am so happy to be on a team with
Jon.
I am over the moon. He is a loving
father, a good husband
and he regularly donates to
charity...
Was that what you wanted me to say?
That was good.
I think it sort of came across a bit
like I was YOUR dad.
I know, it didn't it? It did, yeah.
I shouldn't have opened with
"loving father".
Jon, what would people be
surprised to hear about you, Jon?
I imagine they'd be surprised to
hear I've got a tattoo.
I haven't, but...
It'd be a hell of a surprise,
wouldn't it? Imagine that.
I'm wearing odd socks.
I'm not, again, imagine the gasps.
I'm respected by my peers.
I'm not, but...
..imagine if I said it.
I don't wanna surprise people.
Come and see Jon Richardson,
you want a tedious man in a cardigan
to whinge until you leave
and feel better about the life you
left behind when you came here.
Sean, you're a collector of things.
Do you collect anything?
Wh-where have you heard this from?
There are... there are rumours that
you collect things.
Have you been in my house?
No, I used to collect stuff,
but I'm actually the opposite now.
I'm what you'd call a...
I think people call it uncluttering.
Er, the council call it fly-tipping.
Getting rid of stuff, getting rid of
stuff... Right.
..to a point where that becomes
an obsession as well.
I got rid of all the tables,
the chairs and tables in our house.
We, as a family, eat at five
lecterns...
..cos obviously the sloped surface
means there's no soup or stew.
Peas. Even sprouts are tricky.
Custard, no.
Mostly we just stand at lecterns
eating bananas.
But, er, yeah,
I used to collect stuff like crazy.
I used to collect, you know
those life-saving rings, you know?
In public places.
You know, where you see a pond
or, you know, a harbour,
cos they have the name,
they have the name of the place.
Right. No, it's a keepsake.
If they don't want it to be stolen,
they shouldn't make them so easy to
take off.
That's what I think.
Yeah, it's a good point.
Miles, you and Sean have
been on a winning streak recently.
What makes you such a good team?
Well, what does make us a good team?
We've got chemistry, I think.
Oh, absolutely sizzling, yeah.
We're like... we're like two
snuggled-up fajitas.
But I suppose, yeah, really,
it's probably down,
we've sort of similar backgrounds,
similar interests.
Mm. Yeah.
And we've got the same hobbies,
haven't we?
We both like, er, drinking and
fighting. Yeah, we do.
It's like seeing a mirror talk
to itself. It's amazing.
And what about mascots?
Jon, have you got a mascot?
I've noticed over recent
time period, erm,
a rise in the sort of sale of these
sort of things.
I get given a lot of them.
Sort of witty messages written
on bits of wood
that are supposed to make you feel
better about life.
And what really annoys me about
them, they sort of hint at quite
bleak comedy, that when you analyse
them, the basic message is that men
go into sheds and masturbate quietly
on their own,
and women just clock-watch until
they can drink enough gin
to escape their miserable lives.
So, I thought in these troubled
times,
why not get in on that market?
And my messages are slightly
pithier,
they're slightly more to the point,
and they're all written in an
ecological angle
on things that I've found washed
up on my local beach at Blackpool.
Some of them aren't finished yet,
so this is one I'm still working on.
It says...
This one is...
Oh, you're having one of those
weeks, are you? Yeah!
Ah. More and more,
would you believe.
Best to keep it private.
That's my advice, mate.
This is a number of things I've
gathered from the beach and
this is both an ecological message
and it's a message about trying
to find love in our times
and it's entirely made from condoms
that have washed up.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
I've written it.
It spells out in the condoms,
you can see that,
"There are actually fewer fish in
the sea thank you think."
And that's both a message about the
fleeting nature of love,
which is why I've used the condoms
as the medium for this piece,
and, of course, because the condoms
are choking the wildlife of our
seas,
so it's both a literal
message about the fact that
if you're gonna use a condom,
and you absolutely should, just...
And I don't really know what
you do with them.
Swallow 'em. Swallow them?
Swallow 'em,
straight away afterwards.
Like a chewy oyster.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
It's incredible the things you
find on the beach
and I can't believe the things
people throw away.
So, this is my biggest piece,
and this is a sort of wider
message about the time we live in.
This is called Time
and this is something I've
found on Blackpool beach last week.
Nobody claimed it.
I watched for about an hour,
erm, nobody came,
and I think... It hasn't moved,
so I assume it's for sale,
so 50 quid or something for that
if anyone's, erm, interested.
What does it say on it?
It says, "We are all".
That's the, er, gentleman.
"We are all." It's quite beautiful.
Oh, he's alive.
I thought you were, erm...
Rose, have you got a mascot?
Yeah, well, it's my first
time on the show.
I feel nervous,
so I wanted to relax.
I'm a massive crocheter,
so I've bought my crochet in today
and I'm hoping to finish a blanket
by the end of the show.
Can you crochet, Jimmy?
Can you? No.
I can do it with my eyes closed now.
Do you want me to show you?
Yeah, go on.
One crochet, and the crowd can
verify if this is actually crochet.
So, I'm doing a chain here,
another chain,
and then we're going in here,
into this hole, around,
and we're doing a double crochet
through these and then through here.
Did I do it? Yeah, perfect, there,
so...
APPLAUSE
I'm gonna be working on that.
That is some... some nice
crocheting you've got there.
It's quite good and I love crochet
because it means that
I don't have to make direct eye
contact with people.
Miles, have you got a mascot?
Er, I do actually, yeah. It is
related to this, er, this bell here.
Something I've become involved in
recently, it's essentially a sort
of charity, it's about giving less
advantaged people opportunities
and what I do is I ring this
bell and then this happens.
See, what this is, this is Ian here
and Ian's got a trolley, you see,
cos what am I training you up to be,
Ian?
A beef waiter.
Oh. To serve Mr Jupp his beef.
If you could... That's right
just across there. Perfect.
It's a good system, isn't it, Ian?
It's good.
Yeah, I'm learning a valuable skill.
He's learning a very valuable skill.
And it benefits both of us,
I would say, because Ian
is not long out of prison.
He was in prison, it was something
to do with a donkey.
Don't. He stole it or he
mistreated it or he rode it
where he shouldn't have done, and,
erm...
LAUGHTER
Plate, always the plate,
remember? Thanks.
I'm gonna need a knife and fork.
That's right. Thank you.
Is that enough?
That is... Two more pieces.
I'll bring, I'll bring...
Just gently. Right, that is
quite a big... Did you cut...?
Christ, Ian.
I'll give you a little one.
Just a little one, there we go.
For garnish.
Thank you very much indeed, Ian.
That's a good start to the
evening, I think. Thank you.
Excellent. Well, Jimmy, you may
continue.
Are you gonna eat all of that? Yeah.
Well, I...
Is it nice beef? I'm gonna
give... It's excellent beef, yeah.
When do you next
plan on having a shit?
Not while he's eating his beef.
You know this might be the only
thing you see me eat today
and immediately you're thinking,
the first mouthful,
"Oh, how long does it take you
to have a shit?"
I mean, what... Have you got quite
an efficient system?
Oh, sometimes I've
shat before I've even eaten it.
Sometimes I have one in the morning
and I think,
"Well, I haven't eaten anything, so
that must the Weetabix
"I'm about to have."
OK, Sean have you got a mascot?
Well, you know these days,
there's a lot of vouchers
and I think that it's a huge market
and I'm gonna move into it,
so I've come up with a system
of vouchers for different things.
For example, this one is
a voucher from Dignitas, and, er...
..you buy one, you get one free...
..and if you take part in their
loyalty scheme,
you can get the whole family done...
at a very reasonable price.
What a lovely thought. Yeah.
What pet owner wouldn't be
delighted to open an envelope
and find that they had a voucher
for a free worming for a
small dog or a large cat?
I've got quite a few of these
vouchers, Jimmy.
Here's one. This is meet
Kid Creole & The Coconuts.
Now, to be honest with you,
I've got quite a lot of these.
It was Kid Creole's idea,
he got in touch with me.
I think he's just lonely
and he wants to meet people.
Where are they redeemable?
Those ones.
Oh, you just have to, erm...
LAUGHTER
Most shops, most high-street shops?
Well, no, there's loads of
information
that comes with the voucher. Oh, OK.
Cos I had to contact
Kid Creole, I mean...
It doesn't seem to say
anything on the back. Eh?
This may come as a bit of a shock
to you, but I'm doing jokes.
Fucking hell.
OK, this one allows you to pull
the emergency cord on a train.
Everybody wants to do that
once in their life.
Obviously no-one should try doing
that, unless you have a voucher.
Yeah. I would like to get that, say,
"Oh, I can just go and..."
And then just go, "Ha-ha!"
as all the red-faced people come
towards you
during the rush hour.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
And they go, "Urgh!"
This one, this is a good one.
This allows you to shoplift
up to the value of £100.
You get caught, you just go,
"Ha-ha!"
And, er, of course, you don't need
to use it till you get caught.
Park in the middle of Stonehenge.
Be a dentist for a day.
I mean, I can do the whole show
if you want.
And this one, up to ten minutes
before it starts,
you can cancel a school
nativity play.
They're all about to go,
they've got their wings on,
and you just hold that up to the...
And the whole thing's off.
You can masturbate in front
of a junior member of staff.
Give that to Jimmy...
Oh! Ah, it expired in 1975.
Sean's vouchers, everyone.
A lot of fun.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Vic Reeves.
Vic, I've got a question for you.
What's the first thing you
do in the mornings?
Wake up.
Open the window, climb in.
Put me clothes on, have a shower.
I'm not stupid, I have an umbrella.
OK, and with Vic is, of course,
Susie Dent.
Susie recently went on an
eight-date theatre tour.
I bought a ticket and it was
the best seat in the house.
My house. I did not go.
Have there been any mishaps on
regular Countdown recently, Susie?
Yes, we have mishaps all the time,
particularly during my Origins
Of Words bit, the bit you love.
That bit? Yeah.
I've never seen it,
I always fast-forward, but...
I was talking about the earliest
dictionaries,
which were dictionaries of criminal
slang, so underground slang,
and I was talking about this
magistrate in the 16th century
who just loved collecting all these
kind of grim and grimy words,
and apparently he would stand at his
door and ask these passing people
to give them his words and he
shouted,
"Either I'll throw you in prison
or you give me your cant."
LAUGHTER
And "cant" is the word for
criminal slang,
and it came out wrong - very wrong.
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel recently released her own
fragrance and became a vegan,
but not in that order.
Have any unusual words come up on
regular Countdown recently?
One contestant offered SHAGGER,
the next one offered SHAGGED,
and the only thing that Susie could
add to the collection was DOGGERS.
OK, well, tonight the prize the
teams will be competing for
is this - the Countdown Wheel of
Cheese.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Miles, you get the first
pick of the letters.
OK, consonant. Cheers, Miles.
H
Sorry, er, another consonant.
R
A vowel, please.
A
A consonant.
T
Another vowel, please.
I
Yeah, vowel. Oh, er, another vowel.
O
Another consonant.
F
Another vowel.
A
Consonant. Yeah, we'll have a
consonant. The last one...
S
OK, and for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.
ELECTRONIC MUSIC
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's not what we rehearsed.
Er, how many?
Five for me.
Sean, how many?
Six, Jimmy. Rose?
Six. Jon?
Er, five.
That's disappointing.
I think it's the beef - I got ROAST.
I got ROAST and then I couldn't get
any further.
Oh, you'd better go and...
Do you want me to, OK?
There we go.
Right, OK.
So, ROAST.
What was your five, Miles?
TRASH
TRASH? What did you look at me
for when you said that?
I didn't.
Sean?
RATIOS
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
I know, good for Sean, innit?
And, Rose?
FIRTHS? FIRTHS?
F-FIRTHS? FIRTHS.
Could you use that in a sentence?
Well, those firths are... hot.
It's a word right? Yeah.
Susie, is that...? Yeah, yeah. Oh.
Estuaries.
Yeah, as Rose said, estuaries.
Well, six points to both teams.
Vic, could they have done
any better?
Yes, they could, and they're both to
do with fish - OARFISH and RATFISH.
The OARFISH, which has got
an oar on its back.
It actually has got a wooden oar on
its back.
And the ratfish, which is, in fact,
a rat and a fish, combined.
They could have had seven points.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Jon, Rose, your turn to pick
the numbers. Okey doke.
What do you think? A biggie.
Yeah. And a smally.
Yeah.
Another biggie. Yeah.
What else do we get?
I'd stick with smallies for
here on in. Smally. Smally.
Well, that is very much
your moto, isn't it, Jon?
Right, they are 6, 7,
7, 10,
50 and 25.
And the target, 931.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
OK, so the target was 931.
Jon, did you get it?
I think I got 932.
Ah, well, you did not, then.
Very disappointing.
Rose, did you get it?
Nowhere near. Sean did you get it?
935. Very disappointing.
Miles?
Er, I got a third of the way there.
A third of the way?
I got 9.
How did you do that?
Well, I...
I don't think you did.
Jon, how did you get 932?
Well, I'm not sure I did,
but let's see.
6 x 7
6 x 7 = 42
- 50 10
50 10 = 5
5 x 25
= 925
+ 7
And the other 7. Yeah, one away.
Well done.
Very good.
Seven points to Jon.
Can it be done?
Erm, yeah. It wasn't easy,
but I found three ways.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Go on, how was it? You could have
said...
25 - 6 = 19
7 x 7 = 49
19 x 49
Oh, it's easier than I thought.
Did you do that on the 19 times
table or the 49 times table?
7 x 133, so 7 x 7 x 19.
That's just saying other numbers.
So, Sean and Miles have 6,
Jon and Rose have 13.
APPLAUSE
And here is your teaser.
The words are LICK BONG, and the
clue is - stop that right now.
That's LICK BONG - stop that right
now. See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser,
the words were Lick Bong,
the clue was "Stop that right now."
It was, of course, Blocking.
So, Jon and Rose are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams
so far,
but this game is just for Sean
and Rose.
So, Rose, your turn to choose.
All right.
May I please have a consonant?
Thank you, Rose. P.
I'm going to go with two vowels.
I and E.
Nice. Ooh.
And I'll stop there.
Um, OK, two more consonants.
V and...
..S.
What shall I do? Another consonant?
Yeah.
G. Vowel.
U.
Consonant.
C. Oh. What shall I do?
Another vow...?
Vowel?
No, ah. No. No.
Don't you dare? Consonant.
T. Yeah.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I've made cocktails.
Lovely.
Also, if anyone wants some.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, sorry, Jon, I made
one for you as well.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE
Sean, I made you one
with bacon in it.
Nice?
That's just mouthwash and vodka.
LAUGHTER
That's real, innit?
Yeah.
You weren't messing about.
I take it very seriously.
It's nice.
Um, Rose, how many?
Oh, five.
Five? I know, really bad.
Ahh. Terrible. OK.
It's disappointing when you think
something's going to be big
and then it's small,
isn't it, Jimmy?
Do you want another drink?
Yes, please.
OK.
Well, let's see how long
we can make this game last.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
How many, Sean?
Five.
OK, Sean, what's your five?
Guest.
Guest, OK and Rose?
Um, I'm going to go with spite.
Go with spite. Spite.
Five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Very good Rose, very good.
Vic, could they have done
any better?
Seven, I've got seven.
Yeah.
Susie, you've got 6. Yeah.
I got "piegust" which is, you know,
after you've had a good pie.
LAUGHTER
I'm not sure if that's a word.
Oh, it definitely is.
It's more of a feeling.
Right, Susie's got septic or cuties.
OK, so Sean and Miles have 11,
Jon and Rose have 18.
APPLAUSE
Right, its now time for Miles
and Jon to go head-to-head.
Miles, your turn to
pick the numbers.
OK, um, right I'll just...
RINGS BELL
..if you don't mind me
doing that first.
I will...
I'll have one big one, please.
OK, do you want to just carry on?
Yeah, yeah.
Say, maybe, four small ones.
Yeah.
Have they been looking after
you in the room?
They've ignored me entirely.
Excellent.
OK, one big one,
four small ones and one big one.
Yeah. Right. That's absolutely fine,
we'll just. On it.
Its condiment time, Ian.
Right, we've got English
mustard, horseradish, ketchup.
Ketchup with beef?
No, no, sorry, never.
Never ketchup.
French mustard, Reggae Reggae.
I'll have Reggae Reggae.
Reggae Reggae?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Will you please consider
having a salad?
No, I'm... You really must have some
roughage.
I'm absolutely fine, Ian.
People are quite worried.
What, like, the doctor?
Who's worried?
No, your plumber.
He called me in tears the other day.
Thank you, Ian.
I'll be in the room.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE
You can eat some beef, yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry, sorry,
it was just cos I need a bit of,
like, brain food.
OK, well, you've had,
you've had a nine, there.
Yeah, huh-huh.
Now you have a ten.
Ooh, Reggae Reggae.
And a two.
A six and a 75 and a 25.
And the target is 652.
OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 652.
Miles, did you get it?
I... Yes, I did. Yeah.
Oh.
LAUGHTER
Jon, did you get it?
No, I got 651.
OK, well, Miles, how did you do it?
Well, you get 9 times 75.
675.
And then you minus the 25.
Ah, lovely. 650.
And you add the 2.
The beef has worked. Yes.
Wow.
APPLAUSE
OK, time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us?
Well, I'd like, thank you, Jimmy,
I'd like to present a short
excerpt from one of the lectures
I do at the
Royal Historical Society,
giving information about our realm
and its history,
and I've done some drawings here.
I'd like to present it
in the realm of song, um,
and its about our monarch,
Henry VIII.
So, music, please.
# I'd like to tell you a story
tonight
# Henry VIII was capable
of flight
# One night after sex
he drew some wings
# And flew around his boudoir
pissing on things
# There he goes, flying low
# Flying slow and smoking a pipe
# Run for your life
# Oooh
# Henry VIII was capable of flight
# Henry VIII was
ca-pa-ble of flight. #
APPLAUSE
Vic Reeves, everyone.
OK, so the scores at the moment,
Jon and Rose are on 18,
Sean and Miles have 21.
APPLAUSE
Nice work.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ace holes.
The clue is "Put a bow in it."
That's ace holes, "Put a bow in it."
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser -
the words were ACE HOLES.
The clue was - put a bow in it.
It was, of course, SHOELACE.
OK, another letters game coming up,
and to ramp up the tension,
this time, it's the...
Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
LAUGHTER
In this game,
we're playing for double points.
It's the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Miles, are you feeling the pressure?
Oh, yes.
LAUGHTER
I'll tell you what, his bloody
colon's feeling the pressure.
LAUGHTER
Er, Sean, Miles, you get to pick
the letters on the Tension Round.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
If you could look slightly more
tense, Miles, and not be giggling.
Yeah, sorry.
OK, now pick some letters. OK.
Er, consonant, consonant,
consonant, consonant.
M, J,
R, B.
Er, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.
I, E,
A, I.
I, E, A... What have you done?
LAUGHTER
Would you want a consonant
or a vowel next, Sean?
Well, I think
you'd better go with a consonant.
Well, er, vowel, please.
LAUGHTER
A consonant.
A consonant? D.
OK, for double points
in the Tension Round...
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Your time starts now.
UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC
THUNDERCLAP
Ten! Nine!
Eight! Seven!
Six! Five!
Four! Three!
Two! One!
Zero!
THUNDERCLAP
APPLAUSE
Oh, God.
What the...?
What was...?
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS
That was horrible.
That shifted some beef.
LAUGHTER
It was tense, wasn't it?
It's not so much tense
until right at the end when
a fucking bomb goes off.
LAUGHTER
Er, Jon, how many letters?
Five.
Rose, how many? Five.
Sean? Five.
Miles, how many?
Er, I got five.
I got four different fives actually.
I also got confetti in
my Reggae Reggae Sauce.
LAUGHTER
Common enough complaint.
What are you drinking there,
out of interest?
Whatever you gave me.
LAUGHTER
It looks like canal water.
I assume it's safe,
I mean, I'm guessing the beef's
safe to eat as well.
LAUGHTER
Miles, what were your fives?
Er... BRAID, BREAD, BREAM, BEARD.
Yeah. OK, erm, Sean?
Yeah, that, what he had.
What he had? OK, Rose? Yeah, same.
OK, erm, Jon?
BREAD, BREAD, BREAD.
OK, er, Vic, Susie,
could they have done any better?
Erm, BARDIE, which is
an Australian colloquialism.
What? Well, I'm not...
Do you know what a BARDIE is?
No, what is a BARDIE?
It's edible insect lava.
Oh! Hmm.
OK, well, it's... You've got fives,
but it's double points cos
it was the Tension Round, so...
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
Right, on to another numbers round.
OK, Jon and Rose,
you pick the numbers.
Um, OK.
Let's be honest, no matter what
I pick, I will do nothing with them.
So, it's up to you.
I mean, how much do you want
that cheese?
That's what you've got to
ask yourself.
I noticed there was
a bottle of red wine next to it
and that has ramped up
the tension somewhat. Yeah.
But I'll be honest, I'm still
trembling from that going off.
So, this will be a good
test of how good at numbers
a dog on Bonfire Night would be.
LAUGHTER
So, what I really
want to do now is...
Yeah, get in the airing cupboard.
Let's do that test!
LAUGHTER
Six small is the exciting thing
to do.
Six small. Wow, he's going for it.
Six small?
More tense than the Tension Round.
They've ruined this bit.
Fuck off, Jon.
LAUGHTER
We've got 10, 9...
Six small?
6...
8, 6 and 1.
808
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 808.
Sean, did you get it?
No, I got 806.
OK, Miles, did you get it?
Er, no. 750 something.
Jon, did you get it?
I think so. I've either got it
or I've got 80-something
and I'm about to make
an absolute tit of myself.
Oh, that'll be fun either way.
Rose, did you get it?
I got 806. 806? Yeah. OK.
So, Jon, how did you do it?
10 x 9 = 90
10 x 9 = 90
He's only bloody right.
6 + 6 - 1 = 11
Yeah.
Add them together.
101.
x 8.
Good gamble, Jon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10 points to Jon.
Time to go once again
to Dictionary Corner.
Vic, what have you got for us?
Sorry, what was that? I wasn't
listening, Jimmy. What did you say?
Time to go across to
Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us?
Sorry, Jimmy, I wasn't listening.
What did you say?
Time to go once again
to Dictionary Corner.
What have you got for us?
Well, it's interesting you should
say that, Jimmy,
because I've recently
been over to Switzerland to try
and learn that wonderful language.
So, I went off to do that and
I also at the same time won a prize,
one of those vocoders,
and I thought to myself,
"Why not combine those two things?"
So, my learning of
the Swiss language with a vocoder
and I'm going to present that to you
tonight.
Here we go.
# I went across to Switzerland
where all the yodellers be
# To try and learn to yodel
with my yodel-oh-eh-di
# I climbed a big high mountain
on a clear and sunny day
# I met a yodelling girl
up in a little Swiss chalet
# And she taught me to yodel
SYNTHESISED: # Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di
# She taught me to yodel
# Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di-eh-di-oh. #
APPLAUSE
I can go on if you want.
Yeah, yeah, more, more.
# She strapped me to a bed
# In a Swiss laboratory
# And then proceeded to give me
a tracheotomy
# She first removed my larynx
# And my vocal cords too
# And replaced them with some
scientific coils and some tubes
# And she taught me to yodel
SYNTHESISED: # Yodel-oh-eh-di
# Yodel-oh-eh-di. #
DRAWN-OUT HOWLING AND SCREECHING
APPLAUSE
Vic Reeves, everyone!
OK, so Sean and Miles have 31
and Jon and Rose have 38
and here is your final teaser.
The words are COCK BEAM and the
clue is - nice to see you again.
That's COCK BEAM.
Nice to see you again.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser - the words were,
COCK BEAM, the clue was -
nice to see you again,
it was of course, COMEBACK.
OK, time for our final letters game,
Jon and Rose,
your time to choose, it's neck
and neck, anyone could win this.
Right, OK, erm...
Rose, how's the, how's the blanket
going, by the way?
Oh, good. How's the crochet?
Here we go. Look at that. Erm...
It's quite nice, isn't it?
It is genuinely quite pretty.
Oh, that's...
Who needs true love
when you have crochet?
Erm...
So, can I please have two vowels?
E
And...
A
Erm, consonant.
S
Ooh.
Let's have another consonant.
M
Ooh.
OK, let's have another consonant.
R
Mm... A vowel, please. A vowel.
E
Ooh, what else, what else?
Another consonant, why not?
A consonant.
P
And another vowel. Vowel.
Yeah? Yeah.
O
And a consonant now, surely?
Consonant.
Oh, we're so on the same page.
D
Yeah. OK, and your
30 seconds starts now.
Right...
POP
I put too much in, it popped.
Erm, don't try that at home, kids.
Also, you know, check your mum's
bedside drawer, see what's in there.
Er, Rose, how many?
I've got two sixes. Two sixes.
Er, Jon, how many?
I've got two sevens.
Ooh. Sean, how many?
Seven.
Miles? Seven.
OK, let's hear one of your sixes.
Erm, SPARED and MOPEDS.
SPEARED is a seven.
SPARED or SPEARED?
SPEARED.
So it's the, it's the... It was my
accent, that was my accent, SPEARED.
Say "speared, spared".
Speared, spared.
Oh, I mean, it is...
It's literally... The same,
it's literally the same. SPARED.
We've found a hole in the matrix.
SPEARED
SPEARED, SPARED. Your seven, Jon?
SPEARED
Sean?
SMEARED
And, Miles? Also SMEARED.
Also SMEARED, OK.
Use it in a sentence.
Smeared? Mm.
What was that, that you
smeared all over the sofa?
That would be an example of usage.
Mm. What was that, that you
smeared all over the bathroom?
Try to do it in a
positive way though,
that sounds like a reprimand.
I love the way you've
had that smeared. Yes.
Oh, who smeared that? It's lovely.
Susie, er, Vic, could
they have done any better?
I've got MOPEDARSE,
which is the back end of a moped.
I'm not sure that one is
going to slip by, is it?
It might be two words.
But we've got, erm,
SMEARED and REPOSED.
Yes. Ooh...
Very good. Seven points
to both teams.
APPLAUSE
OK, so, er, Sean and Miles have 38,
Jon and Rose have 45.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for
today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Fingers on buzzers,
it's all to play for.
Cheers.
OK, you ready? And now I've smeared
my screen, I can't see the...
..frigging conundrum.
Ah, it's all beef as well,
it doesn't come off with confetti.
Never clean beef grease
with confetti.
That's what David Beckham's
Sanskrit tattoos say.
OK, it's a crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
It's all to play for, there's
a wheel of cheese in this, people.
Fingers on buzzers,
your time starts now.
BELL
Sean?
Oh, wait a sec, I've just...
It's rude to talk with
your mouth full, isn't it?
You finish what you've got.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Is it, erm...
..a word beginning
with the letter...
..T?
I'll give you another 30 seconds.
BUZZER
Jon?
In Rose's words, is it "frictured"?
Let's have a look and see
if it's "frictured".
It bloody is.
They've only gone
and bloody done it. Yes!
So, the final scores are
Sean and Miles have 38,
Jon and Rose are
the winners with 55!
So, congratulations, Jon and Rose,
you're the proud owners of this,
the Countdown Wheel of Cheese!
Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you
for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media