8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012–…): Season 18, Episode 2 - Episode #18.2 - full transcript

Sean Lock and Victoria Coren Mitchell vs Jon Richardson and James Acaster. Susie Dent and Morgana Robinson (undercover as "Natalie Cassidy") are in Dictionary Corner, Rachel Riley is at the board and Jimmy Carr hosts.

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

CHEERING

Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,

Sean Locke, Jon Richardson,

Victoria Coren Mitchell,
James Acaster,

Natalie Cassidy, Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley, and your host,
Jimmy Carr!

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

{\an5}Hello, and welcome to
8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

{\an5}a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.

OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.



{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Sean Lock is a star,

in that he's full of gas
and if he explodes,

he'll destroy everything around him.

Ah...

And joining Sean tonight,
it's Victoria Coren Mitchell.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Victoria hosts Only Connect,

which has been described as
the toughest quiz on TV, presumably

by someone who's never had to sit
next to Sean Lock on this show.

Up against them this evening
is Jon Richardson.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jon gets anxious about stuff -

he's what my old nan would call
a worrywart, a fusspot,



a flibbertigibbet, a nutjob,

a weirdo twat.

He dotes on his nan though.
Dead, right? Dead?

Nan? Yeah. Oh, long gone.

Joke's on her. Yeah.

And Jon's team-mate, James Acaster.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Despite what you might think, James
is very popular with the ladies,

and those ladies are...

both his grandmothers.

Dead? Yeah, dead.

Jon, do you have any habits
that annoy your wife?

Well. She told me once she wanted me
to lose myself at a festival.

And I don't know if she means
let rip and have some fun,

or just go missing.

Probably the second one.

I think she wishes I'd let loose
a bit more and not be so uptight,

but when you're having a
conversation with your wife

about the things you do that might
mean she divorces you one day,

it's very difficult to let loose
and relax.

Especially when
you're writing 'em down.

James, you're up against some
very tough competition tonight.

Would you describe yourself as...?
Myself as smart? Yes, I would.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Does that answer your question,
Jimmy?

Yes, it does.

It actually asks it, as well.

Fairly smart, Jimmy.

I know all the numbers
in a sudoku...

off by heart.

Test me on 'em.

Uh, what are the numbers
in a sudoku?

Pick one at random. Nine...

eight.

Don't help me on any of these.

Six.

Oh...
What happens when we get to the end?

Well, I ran my mouth off - it's
really, all that can happen is...

You'd be surprised how tolerant
a Countdown audience is

to just counting.

Well, get ready, cos I think
there's at least 50 more.

One, three...

I think soon you're going to forget
which ones you haven't done,

and now I'm genuinely gripped.

Two, four, five...

..seven.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Er, Victoria, a question for you.

If you were on Death Row,
what would be your final meal?

Here's my thing with that question,
what would you eat on Death Row,

what's your final meal -
people ask it.

It makes you think about... Cos
you wouldn't enjoy it, would you?

Whatever it was,
it would taste of ashes,

because you're going to be
imminently dead.

So it's thinking about
how much you wouldn't enjoy it

that really brings home...

the awful dread of
finite consciousness.

Having said all that, probably KFC.

I suppose if you're in Death Row,
food's not really your thing.

You're not a foodie.

You're more killie than foodie.

Er, Sean, you're a very
generous man. Yes.

Do you get involved in helping your
local community? Yes, I do, Jimmy.

I've devoted quite a lot of money
to my local dogfighting arena.

Well, I say arena -
it's just a container

with the lid peeled back.

They offered to name it after me,
the Sean Lock Dogfighting Arena,

but I said, "No,
I don't wanna be seen as

"some kind of local saint."

It brought a, brought a lot
of money to the area.

And dog shit.

OK, now, er, Victoria,
have you got a mascot?

I have got a mascot.

They told me that I couldn't
have my phone on in the studio

and it's tricky cos
I'm quite addicted to Twitter.

So what I quickly did
was just printed out

the last ten minutes of Twitter
before I came on.

Jesus.

Just so that I could... I could
flick through during the show.

Do you know what I mean?
Because like sometimes

when you're away from it,
you sort of...

You wonder what's going on.

So I've just got it here,
this is just the last ten minutes,

so I can just...
Just to see what's going on.

It's not... I like looking
at the pictures, you know, like...

{\an1}SIGHS

You know, "Here's my dog
in the snow."

"Here are my tits."

Er, my replies.

Cos the last tweet that
I did before I came on, I said,

"I'm going on Cats Does Countdown
and I'm taking as my mascot

"a printout of Twitter,"
so then I can see the replies.

This is, one of my fans has written,

"Er, that's not funny.
You're not a comedian,

"I don't know why you even do
that props bit at the beginning.

"I don't laugh.
Also, you're a fat cow -

"Mitchell could have done better."
So, you know, that...

It gets me in the mood...
Encouragement. ..to quiz.

So I'm just sort of keeping in touch
with what's going on in the world.

Nice - you can flick through those
as the evening goes.

James, have you got a mascot?

Yes, I have, Jimmy.
What have you got?

When I come on this show,
I get very worried that people

are going to copy my answers.

Cos I'm so smart,
like we established,

they might try
and see what I've written.

So I've brought something along
that spies use to write in code,

so no-one can read
what I've written.

It's my code spy kit.

This. And here's how it works,
right?

This looks like a candle.

It's a pen, you idiot!

I can write here
whatever I like, right?

I'll write, like, whatever...

I've written your name there.
Right.

Oh, actually, I shouldn't
tell you that. It's a secret,

cos it's a code.
What does that say?

Probably nothing as far
as you're concerned, you moron.

Then... look.

I've got some paints here, right,

and I'll just get my brush
and then I'll paint over it...

..just like this.

This is what all the spies do.

"Jimmy Stinks" -
that was the secret message.

Do you like that? I mean,
I love it, I think it's...

If I wanna write in bold,
I bought that.

I've got this for mistakes,

to just go over them in red
and do things that way.

OK. Jon, have you got a mascot?

There's a lot of holidays in
this country. Frankly, too many.

People waste them with their family,
let's be honest.

Nobody wants to,
nobody wants an extra day off,

you suddenly find you've got one
and you're all in the same house.

You can't say, "I've got some shit
to catch up on, if you don't mind."

So you waste it. Not my new day.

I'm launching Admin Day.
Er, it's a movable feast.

You book it in whenever you want.

Er, you tell your family,
you tell your friends,

"Nobody's allowed to contact me
on this day."

So, Admin Day, or as it's
officially known, St Ryman's Day...

St Ryman is the patron saint
of admin.

You nominate your Admin Day

and the most exciting part
of Admin Day

is the month
leading up to Admin Day

where you get
your adminvent calendar.

{\an1}RATTLING

{\an1}LAUGHTER

I think that went fine.

Yeah. You pop this
just above your kids' bed...

Are you... Are you a little bit
out of breath?

I'm all right!
I had a hernia anyway.

And running up to Admin Day,

you open up your little adminvent
calendar each day

and you'll pull out a piece
of stationery you might need.

Your highlighter - everyone uses
a highlighter once, don't they,

and then you highlight across ink,
it gets dirty,

you put it in the bin.

You've got, er, you've got
rubbers in there, of course.

Both kinds - sometimes the
excitement of admin overtakes...

Important to be safe.

Do you want some stationery?
It might help with the show.

Do you want a pen? Yeah, man.

Oh! No, I don't.

Very clever.

Yeah.

And we've reached the end of the bit
now, and the moment that

I have to contemplate
putting that thing back down again.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Do you want a hand?

All right.

Do you want a hand? Yeah, thanks.

Sean, have you got a mascot?

Yes, I do, Jimmy.

I was lucky enough to be
sent recently

a copy of a newspaper
from the day I was born.

22nd April, 1963, and here we go,
it's the Simpler Times.

And as you can see, some, you know,
some interesting news going on.

The ladder crisis had
deepened at that point.

And as you can see, the national
joy as felt tip pens are invented.

I mean, luckily enough, this day
is quite an auspicious day,

22nd April, because it's the day
they announced the finalists

for the Cheekiest Chimney Sweep
competition.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

So that's another lovely
little part of the newspaper.

I mean, here, scientists say we're
just ten years away from

dry-roasted peanuts.

Er, PC goes mad - this is about
a police constable who went mad.

Look at him - you can see
he's on the turn there.

Is that... What's the other story
at the bottom there?

I think "Carol Vorderman
Joins Countdown" is there.

This is a story
about the Horsham Warbler.

What it is, there was a fashion
for gentleman

to warble under women's windows.

To warble, sorry?

Yeah, sort of go...

{\an1}VIBRATES LIPS

Unsolicited warbling.

{\an1}WARBLES

And there's a story
about foreign muck.

Food survey Suggests "Foreign Muck"
Becoming More Popular

Than Our Traditional Boiled Stuff.

And on the back page,
on the sports here,

we've got this thing about
Tennis Umpires Remain Grounded

Due To Deepening Ladder Crisis.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

And there's one other article
I wanna find cos it's about...

It's the Beatles album, the first
album was released,

er, that week. And there's a really
good piece in here about it.

Er...

"Beatles to release
their first album."

Is there a story on the other,
the other side of that?

Why don't I get more acting work?

Sean Lock's newspaper,
from the day of his birth.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

And over in Dictionary Corner,
it's Natalie Cassidy.

Hello.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Thank you, er, thank you very much
for being here.

Oh, thank you, Jimmy,
it's really nice.

It's really nice to be here, hello.

Are you busy at the moment?
Anything coming up?

Yeah. I'm doing up my spare room,

because my sister Kat has moved out.

She's gone Dubai for, like,
a bit of table dancing for a year.

Some people get all the luck.

So, yeah. How's that all going?

Oh, really well, thank you.

So I've decided to go floral on
the main feature wall

then aubergine on the other three.

And then, now I know what my scheme
is, I can go doolally in Dunelm.

That's the plan. It sounds great.

Anyway, it's great to have you
back where you belong on EastEnders.

You're sort of a regular fixture
there now, aren't you?

Yeah, sort of. Yeah, it's lovely to
be back in the Square,

I really like it, it's lovely.
But, yeah, I just...

You get a bit nervous because
you never know when someone's gonna

just, you know, kill you off.

Run you over or something. Yeah.

Do you have any sort of
backup career plan?

Oh, yeah, I'm a trained electrician.

OK, and with Natalie, of course,
it's Susie Dent.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Susie recently went on tour.
Her show got five stars

spread across five reviews.

Susie, we've got a proper
EastEnder on the show tonight -

any favourite Cockney phrases?

Er... people pop up
in rhyming slang all the time,

so modern rhyming slang, so kind of
riffs on people's names -

Lionel Blair, flares
and Pete Tong, wrong.

And you, in fact, have a bit
of rhyming slang named after you,

which is Berkeley Hunt.

That's funny.
APPLAUSE

And in charge of the numbers
is Rachel Riley.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Rachel has a degree in maths,
physics and quantum mechanics.

Using her to do the numbers
on Countdown

is like using Susie Dent
as a glorified spellchecker.

Which, thinking about it,
is what we do.

Rachel, we've got some pretty
smart people on the show tonight.

Who do you think is
the biggest nerd?

I've been thinking about this,
actually,

so I checked on the Urban
Dictionary definition of nerd

and a nerd is someone whose IQ
is bigger than their weight.

So obviously it's Countdown's own
Mr Jon Richardson.

Is that good? Yeah!
Sounds good. Is that a nice thing?

I think it's a nice thing,
I think you're... All right.

You're a tiny little fella
but you're very clever.

OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this,

the Countdown Beekeeping Kit.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, let's Countdown, everyone,
for the first time today.

Jon, James, you get the first pick
of the letters.

Would you like to pick,
or do you not care?

Er, I'd like at least one
consonant in there.

That's my only request. Go for it.

All right, let's get that out of
the way and then you can drift off.

Oh, yeah. Start with D.

The best of all of the... ones.

Vowel, please.

A

Consonant, please.

T

And another consonant, please.

R

A vowel, please.

I

And another vowel, please.

E

Yeah, a consonant. please?

C

And a consonant.

V

Oh... It's all right!

And a final... Go on.

Vowel!

O

Oh, no.

{\an5}OK, and for the first time today,
here is the Countdown clock.

{\an4}JURASSIC PARK THEME

{\an4}THUNDER CRASHES

{\an4}DINOSAUR ROARS

{\an4}DINOSAUR ROARS

{\an4}FOOTSTEPS THUMP

{\an5}Aww!

{\an5}What?

{\an5}I thought it was a dinosaur,
but it's just,

{\an5}it's just a dog dressed up.

{\an5}Is the game fin... No? Yeah.

{\an5}This is the bit they don't
put on telly, where we keep going.

{\an4}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Go on, go on.

Hey, hey!

Fuck off.

All right.

{\an5}Er, how many did you get, Jon?

{\an5}Seven. OK, James?

{\an5}Six. Six?

{\an5}Yeah. Sean, how many?

{\an5}Six. Victoria?

{\an5}I think eight.

{\an5}Ooh.

{\an4}AUDIENCE OOHS

James, let's hear your six.

{\an5}TRACED

{\an8}Well, I mean,
that couldn't be more perfect.

{\an5}Yes, I was quite happy with that.
Yeah, as well you should be.

{\an5}Your six, Sean.

{\an5}TIRADE

{\an5}Jon, your seven.

{\an5}CAROTID

{\an4}EVERYONE OOHS

As in sort of carotid artery
sort of thing, yeah.

SUSIE: Yeah, excellent. Thank you.

{\an5}Good Countdown word, that one.

{\an5}Victoria Coren Mitchell.

{\an5}CAVORTED.

Brilliant. Oh, lovely.
CAVORTED.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

CAVORTED!

So, hey, that's pretty impressive.

I mean, for Cats Countdown,
that's a remarkable thing.

That never happens.
Could they have done any better?

Susie's written down DEVIATOR,
eight.

So that's as good as eight,
so it's equal.

So at the end of that, Sean and
Victoria are in the lead with eight.

Impressive.

OK, onto our first numbers round.

Sean, Victoria,
you get the pick of the numbers.

OK, I'll have my usual, please,
Rachel.

{\an5}The usual, Seany special -
two from the top, four little,

and they are 2, 7,

3, 10,

100 and 25.

And the target, 561.

{\an5}OK. So, your target is 561,
your time starts now.

{\an5}Candles down.

{\an5}OK, so, Victoria, did you get it?

{\an5}I'm nowhere.

{\an5}I can make... 7.

{\an5}OK, Sean, did you get it?

{\an5}Nah. Well...

{\an5}Yeah, I reckon I did get near it.

{\an5}OK. Jon, did you get it?

{\an5}I got 560.

{\an5}Oh! James, did you get it?

{\an5}500, I got.

{\an5}OK, so Sean, did you get it?

{\an5}Yeah.

How... How did you get it?

Well, let's have a think about this.

Just explain your method.

I reckon the 25?

The 25. Is that any help at all?
Yeah.

Times something like... 3.

3 times...

No.

I reckon it's... The 100?

By... 100.

Why am I helping this bullshit?
Is 4...?

100 x 25.

100 x 25 = 2,500.

Oh, 100 - 25?

Yeah, then you times that by... 7.

Yeah. And that gets you to 525,

then you add your 3 with your 10...

That's time 3, times 10.

With the 2.

Well done, Sean! Yeah.

That's amazing - 561.

I got it right. Yeah! 561.

Well done, Sean.

Yes, that's how you...
That's one way of doing it.

Jon, how did you get 560,
for the points?

Really?

You could see the cracks
in that, could you?

Jon? 25 + 3

25 + 3 = 28

x 2

x 2 = 56.

X 10
That'll do, 1 away.

Oh, that's really clever.

So at the end of that
I can tell you that

Victoria and Sean have 8,
Jon and James have 7.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Well, time now to go across to
Dictionary Corner.

Natalie, what have you got for us?

Well, basically,
it's a bit unprofessional,

but I've got a voiceover tomorrow,

and I need to practise
with somebody.

It's for a radio thing -
will you do it with me?

Yeah, sure. Is that OK?

It's a bloke's part, that's you,

and we'll just play it natural,
yeah?

Is that all right?
Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Hello, I'm Natalie Cassidy,
and let me tell you,

like a lot of busy British mums,

stress don't half go to my bum!

I mean, here I am, getting ready
for a celebrity party

and trying to get the kids to bed

and I can feel it
flaring up already.

Maybe I can be of assistance.

Who are you, then?

I'm the bum fairy.

There's no such thing!

Yes, there is, and whatever's wrong
with your bum,

Bum Fairy all-purpose bum cream
for busy mums does the trick.

So how can I help?

Well, you could start by helping to
calm down the heat rash

that came on this afternoon,
when I went to LaserQuest

in a pair of thick tights.

That sounds like...

That sounds like a bummer.

You're telling me...

You're telling me, mate!

And it hasn't made it easier

that I've been eating nothing
but strong cheddar all week.

Ooh, it sounds like you need
my soothing action.

I wouldn't say no, mate, especially
with these bloody piles playing up.

Let me take care of that.

Cheers, mate. What did you
say your name was again?

I'm the bum fairy.

I'm starting to think...
Is this whole bit just designed

so I say, "I'm the bum fairy"?

Susie made me do it.

Natalie Cassidy, everyone.

{\an5}And here is your teaser.

{\an5}The words are LESS BUTT
and the clue is "be discreet".

That's LESS BUTT, "be discreet",
see you after the break.

{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an5}Welcome back, the answer to the
teaser,

{\an5}the words were LESSBUTT,

{\an5}the clue was "be discreet",

{\an5}it was, of course, subtlest.

OK, so Sean
and Victoria are in the lead.

Yes. On with the game.

Time for another letters round.

Sean and Victoria,
your turn to choose.

Could I have a consonant, please?

R.

And another consonant.

S.

And another consonant.

N.

Vowel, please.

I. Vowel.

U.

Another vowel, please.

E.

A consonant.

T.

Consonant.

B.

Do you want a vowel or
a consonant?

Ooh, I'd like a, hmm, ooh,
I'd like a consonant please.

Another consonant please.

And Y.

Uh, I wish I hadn't had
a consonant now.

I feel a bit sick.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

{\an5}OK, your time starts now.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an5}Oh!

{\an5}OK, um, Jon, how many?

{\an5}Seven.

{\an5}James, how many?

{\an5}I'm going to put the candle down.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an5}Um, I got, um seven.

{\an5}Seven?

{\an5}Um, Sean, how many?

{\an5}Um, six.

{\an5}You can't take your eyes off it,
can you, Sean?

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an5}Wish I had one like that.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an5}Instead of this monster.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an4}APPLAUSE

{\an5}Victoria, how many?

{\an5}I mean, I'm incredibly distracted.

{\an5}Yeah.

{\an5}But why? It's just...

{\an5}It's a lovely shower cap, isn't it?

{\an5}I mean, is...? Are you...? Is...?

{\an5}I mean...

{\an5}Victoria, how many?

{\an5}I'll say seven,
I don't know if it's a word,

{\an5}I don't know
if I'm saying words now.

{\an5}It's a funny place to have
a piercing.

{\an5}I'm going to, I'm going
to get my dressing gown, hang on.

{\an5}I've done this show three times,
that's happened twice.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an4}APPLAUSE

{\an5}Big hand there for Jimmy's
tiny knob.

{\an4}LAUGHTER

{\an5}Sean, what was your six?

{\an5}Buries.

{\an5}Buries? Ah, probably inspired by my
testicles.

{\an5}There's another word on there
inspired by your dick.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

Victoria, your seven.

{\an5}Um, bunters, is that a word?

{\an5}Susie Dent, is it a word?
No, I'm afraid not.

{\an5}It's the proper noun,
Billy Bunter, sorry.

{\an5}Um, James, your seven?

{\an5}Bruisey. Bruisey? Bruisey.

{\an5}Bruisey Susie.

{\an5}With an E? With an E.

Um, no.

No?

{\an5}Not there, I'm afraid.

{\an5}Jon, your seven?

{\an5}I think I was influenced by you
as well Jimmy, bustier.

{\an5}Good. You've got a cracking bustier.

Seven points to Jon.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Natalie Cassidy off of EastEnders,
could they have done any better?

Yes, there's an eight what Susie's
writ down, it's turbines.

OK, so at the end of that Sean
and Victoria have eight,

Jon and James have 14.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

OK, they've been playing in teams
so far,

but this game is just for Jon
and Victoria. Oh!

Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.

I would like six small ones,
please?

No big ones? Coming up.

One, three, eight, five, four
and seven.

Oh, my God.

And the target, 299.

{\an8}OK, and your time starts now.

{\an8}Good luck, Jon.

{\an8}Yeah, go on Jon, you can do it.

{\an8}Go on, Jon. "Go on, Jon."

{\an8}This really helps me

{\an8}when you both shout at me like that.

{\an8}Go on.

{\an8}I reckon you've got the best chance.

{\an8}VICTORIA: Thank you.

{\an8}Come on, Jon, you prick.

{\an8}You're so good at numbers as well.

{\an8}There's no way anyone could
ever beat you.

{\an8}Oh, you're an arsehole.

{\an8}You're all arseholes.

{\an7}LAUGHTER

{\an8}Ask Jon first.

{\an8}I reckon Jon's only gone

{\an8}and bloody done it, hasn't he?

{\an8}No, he might have, if people weren't

{\an8}shouting at him the whole time.

{\an8}We weren't.

{\an8}Victoria, did you get it?

{\an8}No, I didn't get it.

{\an8}Oh, I've got it, I've got it.

{\an8}You haven't got it.

{\an8}And not for telly,

{\an8}but just for my life.

{\an8}How did you get it?

{\an8}Five times four is 20.

Yeah.

Eight plus seven is 15.

Yeah.

Multiply them together. 300.

And take off the 1. Lovely. 299.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

OK, well, no points to anyone
on that round.

Yay.

OK, so Sean and Victoria have eight,
Jon and James have 14.

{\an1}APPLAUSE

OK, time now to go over to
Dictionary Corner and Natalie,

are you, are you sticking
round for a drink after the show?

I'd love to,
but I've got to go charity shop.

Are you donating?

Yes, I just, it makes you feel good,
giving stuff to charity.

That's very conscientious of you.

What are you,
what are you dropping off?

Well, what have I got here?

Aw, me little Jane MacDonald CD,
in very good condish,

even though I've played it within
an inch of its life.

But, um, Jane, if you're watching,
I am still your biggest fan,

I've just got you on Spotify now,
babe.

Oh, this is going to be a hard
goodbye, me little wooden owl.

I used to do me
lesbian Sonia lines to him.

Cor, dear, if owls could talk, eh?

It seems a shame to get rid of that.

Yeah, but I don't know,
he just looks a bit,

he's looking at me funny, do you
know what I mean? He's a bit noncy.

Yeah, owls can be like that.

Um.

Oh, here we go.

This is my 2001 British Soap Award
Winners basket, hamper basket.

Are you sure you're ready to
let go of the box?

It sounds pretty precious.

Well, the thing is, Jimmy...

..past is another country, ain't it?

I mean,
one minute you're just a little girl

flying across the gymnastics floor
like paper in the wind,

next minute you're acting on a TV
set with Michael Greco.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

And suddenly, it's the Soap Awards
2001 and you wake up pinching

yourself and there's a hamper
on your doorstep full of cheese

and pickles and breadsticks
and things you've never dreamt of.

And you're too young to drink
the wine, so your dad tucks in,

and he's half cut and he tells
you...

..that you've done him proud.

And it's enough, you know?

Saying that,
I keep me dog toys in it.

{\an1}LAUGHTER

{\an1}APPLAUSE

Natalie Cassidy, everyone.

And here is your teaser.

{\an5}The words are FIREPLOP, the clue is
"not as hard as you thought."

{\an5}That's FIREPLOP,
"not as hard as you thought."

{\an5}See you after the break.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an5}Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were FIRE PLOP,

{\an5}the clue was -
not as hard as you thought.

It was, of course, FLOPPIER.

OK, time now for
a quick bonus round.

Victoria hosts Only Connect,
which is the smartest quiz on TV,

but this is Cats Countdown,

so once again we're going
to test our teams

with the stupidest quiz
on television.

OK, picture round first.
Take a look at this.

Can you tell me - is that a
picture James Acaster's hair

or a Highland cow?

That's James' hair.
No...

I think that's a Highland cow,
personally.

And if it's me... this is going to be
the worst day of my life.

So, James and Jon
are saying Highland cow.

Sean and Victoria are saying
James Acaster.

Oh, so help me God,
that better be a Highland cow.

OK, well, I can tell you,
it is a Highland cow.

Yeah!

Thank God!

A little bit of fun for you -
that picture was taken in 2016,

so that cow is now dead.

What happened to it -

did it walk into a road
and couldn't see what was coming?

Classic fringe accident.

I think you'll be all
right on that front.

Time to test your celebrity
knowledge now. That was tense.

Sean looked like he was
gonna spark you out.

Time to test your celebrity
knowledge now.

We've got pictures
of some celebrity waxworks

from Louis Tussaud's
in Niagara Falls -

all you have to do is
identify them.

So, who is this?

It's a feverish and frankly
ill-looking gentleman.

Who do you think that might be?

Is that a waxwork or a person?

That is a waxwork of a person.

OK, so what have you gone for?
James?

John Travolta.

John Travolta,
it's a pretty good guess.

That collar doing
a lot of the work there.

Sean, who do you think?

Steven Seagal.

Let's have a look.
It is, in fact...

Tom Cruise.

OK, next waxwork.
This should be easier.

I know who it is.

Could you just
zoom in on the name badge?

It's quite fitting, answering these
questions with a candle, innit?

That's enough to make a whole
Jon Richardson, that is.

OK, so who do you think?

Princess Anne.

We're seeing it at different angles.
I thought it was Art Garfunkel.

You know a waxwork is not brilliant
when you can't tell

whether it's Art Garfunkel
or Princess Anne.

Who do you think it might be, Jon?

Helen Daniels - Neighbours.

So, it's a waxwork museum
in Niagara Falls.

Yeah, but... And you think it might
be Helen Daniels off of Neighbours?

As she looks now.

It is in fact... our queen.

That is a waxwork of the queen.

I mean, we tried to help them
along with the crazy hair

they've decided our
queen definitely has.

Well, Princess Anne was close -

I should get points
for Princess Anne.

It's when the queen was going
through her Princess Anne phase.

OK, last question.

Which one of these
is not a real person...?

I mean, Barth Toothman, I don't
think I understand what the joke is.

It's just got tooth in it. He's a
dentist - he's called Toothman.

Right.

Well, that must be real
cos its not funny.

Like my latest DVD.

We think its policeman Nick Ladds.

I think it's your least funny
so far. Do you? Yeah.

I'll take the insult,
it's what we do,

but the round of applause
can fuck right off.

There's a camera on the audience -
I'll be watching this footage back.

You've all had to apply,
you've all had your bags searched,

there's an address for every
one of you on that list,

now you can expect some warbling
under your windows.

OK, so you're saying the fake one
is Nick Ladds.

What do you think, Victoria?
You choose.

Well, I thought C as well,
so if not, then B. Really?

The spider expert, yeah.
Really?

Go on... We'll say F, then. F.

No, no, you choose.
No, no... You decide.

Cos I've been wrong every time.

You're wrong about my fucking DVD.

You're going F -

vasectomy specialist Dick Chopp?

Well, I can tell you the answer
is...

C - Policeman Nick Ladds
is not real.

{\an4}APPLAUSE

OK, so Jon and James
you are the winners

of this stupidest quiz on TV.
Five bonus points to you.

Oh, yes!

OK, on with the game. Jon and James,
your turn to choose the letters.

I didn't enjoy that at all.
We didn't do well.

I'm like a racehorse, Jimmy,
I'm a pedigree Countdown Quiz Man.

I'm not just some donkey
you drag in to spot waxworks

and stupid bits of hair.

I'm an artist.

OK, on with the game. OK, Jon,
James, choose your letters.

Can I have five vowels
and four consonants, please?

Sure.

Going long on the vowels.

A

O

E

I

O

Then you've got M

S

T and H.

OK, and your time starts now.

{\an5}James Acaster, how many did you get?

{\an5}Five. Five? Yeah.

{\an5}Yeah, that's OK. Jon, how many?

{\an5}Six. Sean?

{\an5}Yeah, well,
as a top Countdown player...

{\an5}A specialist, I believe you said.
Yes. A racehorse.

{\an5}The ground was not quite right
for me today.

{\an5}I felt that it...

{\an5}It's five. You got five, did you?

{\an5}Five! Yes.

{\an5}Victoria, how many did you get?

{\an5}Well, six. Again, it might not be
in the dictionary, but I've got six.

{\an5}OK, your five, James?

{\an5}Apologies to the people who
don't like this word - MOIST.

{\an5}Look away, Susie.

{\an5}Sean, your five?

{\an5}They say there's no "S" in team,
don't they?

{\an5}But there is in STEAM.

{\an5}He's back to his best!

{\an5}That is a...

{\an5}You know what? That right there -
that's a racehorse,

{\an5}that's a professional
Countdown player.

{\an5}OK, Jon, your six?

{\an5}SMOOTH. SMOOTH?

{\an5}They say there's no "S" in mooth.

{\an5}That's annoying, isn't it?
Victoria, what happened?

{\an5}No, no, no.

{\an5}I've just noticed there's an eight,
but I didn't say eight.

{\an5}So let's stick with six. What was
the eight that you didn't say?

{\an5}SMOOTHIE. Yeah.

{\an5}Yeah, you missed by a bee's dick.

{\an5}That's not what I got, though.
You should have got that, Jon.

{\an5}What did you get? HOMIES.

{\an5}Yes, and you can put a T
on there for HOMIEST.

{\an5}I wondered about HOMIEST.
It's American for homely.

{\an5}Yeah, it's a word.
Natalie, did you get any? Yeah.

{\an5}MOTHS.

{\an5}I like the way you say it.

{\an5}I think that might be a nine-letter
word, the way you pronounce it.

{\an5}Say it again. If you take
your time saying it,

{\an5}it sounds like there's more
letters in there -

{\an5}m-o-f-f-f-f-s.

Me tongue's too big for me mouth,
what's the problem?

Quite a Jamie Oliver tongue,
isn't it?

At least I've got eyes that
I can actually see through.

Well, no I've got eyes...
People who throw stones.

People who live in glass houses,
shouldn't be, you know,

'ave little piss 'oles in the snow.

{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so at the end of that
Sean and Victoria have 14,

Jon and James have 25.

{\an5}And here is your final teaser,
the words are RIPE NADS,

{\an5}the clue is -
see your doctor.

{\an5}That's RIPE NADS - see your doctor.
See you after the break.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

{\an5}Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.

{\an5}The words were RIPE NADS
and the clue was - see your doctor.

{\an5}It was of course SPRAINED.
OK, time for our final letters game.

Sean, Victoria, your turn to choose.
And you can still win this.

I'll have a consonant, please.

S

And a vowel.

A

Consonant.

T

Vowel.

E

A consonant.

L

A vowel, please.

U

A consonant.

F

A vowel, please.

A

And a consonant.
And...

L

{\an5}OK, and your time starts now.

{\an5}Sean's real age, 67.

{\an5}Susie on the wine, 69.

{\an5}Jon's a bore, 44.

{\an5}Bingo!
Bingo!

{\an5}No! No! I said it first!

{\an5}I said it first!
It's mine! I still won! No!

{\an5}No!

{\an5}MINE!

{\an4}APPLAUSE

{\an5}Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can BOTH have a toaster.

{\an4}APPLAUSE

{\an5}Sean, how many?
No, no, ask Jon.

{\an5}Sorry, Sean, my apologies.
Jon, how many?

{\an5}Seven. Seven! OK.
How do you feel about that, Sean?

{\an5}Hmmm...
James, how many?

{\an5}Definitely got six.
And is there a riskier one?

{\an5}There's a seven that I'd never heard
said as a word before that

{\an5}I kind of... You're a maverick. You
don't play by everyone else's rules.

{\an5}I'd say go for it. Sometimes
I need to be reminded of that.

{\an5}OK, so seven from Jon, seven
from James. Victoria, how many?

{\an5}Well, there's a definite seven.
Seven. OK, what about you, Sean?

{\an5}How many?
Six, Jimmy...

{\an5}..which is only one less than seven.

{\an5}Yeah. What's your six?

{\an5}VOICE BREAKS: FLUTES.

{\an5}Sorry, how's that pronounced?
SEAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

{\an5}Excuse me.

{\an5}DEEP VOICE: FLUTES.

{\an5}All right, James, your risky seven.
This is not a word.

{\an5}I put SATEFUL. SATEFUL? You know
sated, like if you feel sated? Yeah.

{\an5}And some words end with -ful.

{\an5}SATEFUL?

SATEFUL. Is it a word, Susie?
And don't be a dick about this.

{\an5}No. Come on, Susie, check proper.
It's under S.

{\an5}Jon, your seven?

{\an5}FULLEST

{\an5}FULLEST? Mm!

{\an5}APPLAUSE
That's a grudging round of applause.

{\an5}Victoria, your definite seven
that's definitely a word?

{\an5}I had FULLEST as well,
although, for the sake of variety,

{\an5}maybe FATALES you can have
in the plural.

{\an5}Only with "femmes".
OK, well, in that case, FULLEST.

Seven points to both teams!
APPLAUSE

OK. Natalie Cassidy,
could they have done any better?

No.

OK, so Sean and Victoria have 21,
Jon and James have 32!

{\an1}APPLAUSE

OK, fingers on buzzers, time for
today's Countdown Conundrum.

I'm not going to bother,
because we can't win. So...

..I might as well just go back
to the paddock, cool down...

{\an5}..chow down on some oats
and prepare for the next race.

No, I'm not even going to look.

No, cos I'm so trained, once I look
at it, I'll have to try and get it.

It's a shame we haven't got
Sean's blinkers.

Be careful with him
when you're buzzing, as well,

cos he's easily startled.

{\an5}Your time starts now.

{\an4}BUZZER

{\an5}Jon?
DUCKLINGS

{\an5}DUCKLINGS! Let's have a look.

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's three seconds. Three seconds.

So, the final scores are
Sean and Victoria have 21,

Jon and James are
the winners with 42!

{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So congratulations to Jon and James.
You're now the proud owner of this,

the Countdown beekeeping kit!

Thanks to our panellists,
our wonderful studio audience

and to you for watching.
That's it from us, goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media