800 Words (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

"Sticks and stones
can break your bones,

"but words,

"words are weapons of mass
destruction in the wrong hands.

"Words, when you say them
out loud...

"..can have the power
to tempt fate,

"to unravel the very fabric
of society."

I think I might be ready.

Nah, mate,
it's choppy as anything.

- There's nothing to surf.
- No, I don't mean that.

I mean ready to engage.

Oh, you mean with your bevy
of lovelies?



Well, I... I wouldn't say
'bevy'.

So hang on, when you say
you think you might,

what do you mean?

Well, sometimes I think I'm not.

You know, that it's
too complicated, too soon.

Hang on, are you one of those
blokes that gets in trouble

when he starts thinking
about stuff?

Or are you one of those blokes
that gets in trouble

when he just doesn't think?

Bit of both.

OK, so you're an option C bloke.

There's an option C?

Fate.

Let fate decide for you.



Well, you remember
what a CFO is, right?

Yup.

It's a Compulsory Family Outing.

Correct!

And you understand
the term 'compulsory'

in this context, right?

It means you and Geek Boy
go have wild adventures

while I stay here.

Come on,
come and explore with us.

If you wanna live in this place,

you're gonna have to engage
with it.

Pass.

OK, your loss.

Come, excitement awaits.

It's Weld, Dad.
Don't get your hopes up.

- Watch out for cougars.
- What cougars?

Ignore your sister.

I do know what cougars are, Dad.

But none of the girls we know
around here are older than you.

Yeah, exactly.

And if there were loads
of girls chasing after you,

I think I would probably notice.

Thanks, mate.

It's definitely
all in Shay's mind.

She's just at that age

where everything
she thinks about is sex.

Uh-huh.

Only me!

Shit.

Stay here.

Woody.

Oh, hey, Shay.

I sense that there are others
in the house.

Nah. Just me. Studying.

Do you have to work today?

Oh, look, you'll hardly know
I'm here,

apart from the occasional
power tool.

Right, but, you know,
the whole studying thing.

Oh, look, I made
a solemn promise to your dad

that I would get
his office done,

and I have broken that promise
way too many times.

You'll hardly know I'm here.

Not helpful.

So, are you coming or not?

So, my guess is
this probably won't be

one of the great museums
of the world.

Cynicism helps nobody, Arlo.

So, do we pay or what?

I guess we just look around.

Well, that won't take too long.

Check this out.

Bunch of sad old dudes.

No, no, the...
the writing crimes.

"Some of the survivor's" -
with a misused apostrophe -

"in where some 180 'soles'
were lost."

S-O-L-E-S. Maybe only
their feet drowned, right?

Yeah, yeah.

"Most catastrophic shipwreck."

How many shipwrecks
have they had round here?

Quite a few, actually.

- Oh, Fiona.
- George. Arlo.

Got a problem with our captions?

No, not at all.

Well, you should -
they're awful.

What are you doing now?

Now? Not much.

Good.
Then you can rewrite them.

It's still got all
its pieces in the right place.

Katie made Dad
glue the top rock on

just in case it took off
down the hill again.

What's the deal with her
and your dad?

She's, uh, the next one
after my mum.

They were pretty good
for a while,

and then he got caught
with his hand in the cookie jar.

Mm.

Yeah, she gave him the boot.

They've still got the hots
for each other, though.

What about my dad?

Nah, I don't think my dad's
got the hots for George.

I meant Katie, idiot!

She could do a lot worse.

Why?

No reason.

Has he got a thing for her?

My mum died, Ike.
Less than a year ago.

Yeah, I know,
and that's really sad,

but a man's got to
move on sometime.

What?

You don't know anything.

You're not the one
watching them circle him.

Them who?

Those women, being friendly
to him all the time.

Maybe they're just
being friendly.

It's a pretty friendly place.

Maybe you just need to
chill out a bit,

go with the flow.

I don't want to
go with the flow.

Your call.

I don't wanna be here.

Take me home.

- How do you find the time?
- Sorry, what?

The museum, the boat club,
the book club.

Driving the ambulance.

I like to keep busy.

Well, you do an amazing job.

Doing all... all those jobs.

Thanks.

You... you right there?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I just... I'm just thinking.

Careful with that.
Might get you in trouble.

Hey, Dad!
Come check this stuff out.

No. He shouldn't be in there.

For museum staff only, OK?

Why?

No offence, this is way cooler
than what you have out there.

It's complicated, OK? Out.

- Both of you, get out.
- Why isn't this on display?

Uh, it's been withdrawn
from the museum by the donor.

Let me guess -
the McNamara family.

Yes, the McNamara family.

Thought they'd be all over the
chance to glorify their name.

They were, and now they're not.

What changed?

Let's just say
that I've got no interest

in people who rewrite history.

Now please get out, before I
have to find out if this works.

Instead of poking your noses
where you shouldn't,

you can make yourself useful
delivering these.

There you go.

A fundraiser for the fundraiser?

It's the fundraiser
that raises funds

to stage the main fundraiser,

which is the annual
Weld historical ball.

OK, well, that kind of
makes sense.

Of course it makes sense.

So, you up for delivering some,
or got something better to do?

No, no. I'm sure
we can do that.

Great!

And then tonight you can come
to the committee meeting, OK?

Is Fiona one of the cougars

that Shay was talking about?

There are no cougars, Arlo.

Hey, what say
when we finish this,

we head up the McNamara place?

To find out why all the good
stuff's hidden out the back?

Yeah.

Was that gunfire?

Is this wise,
moving towards gunfire?

Pull!

Pull!

Can I have a go now, Dad?

No. Not after last time.

Dad, trespassers.

Not trespassers, you nong!
That's George and his boy.

- G'day, George.
- Bill.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Not at all.
Fancy taking a pot?

Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
Have you got a minute?

For you, many minutes.

What brings you
all the way up here?

The museum, actually.

Oh, yeah, what about it?

We've been lending
a hand there...

Roped you in, did she?

Call it fate, if you like.

Anyway, I-I couldn't
help noticing

that all the McNamara exhibits
have been taken down.

As soon as I find another home
they'll be out of that place.

Why?

Well, what did she tell you?

- Oh, not much.
- That'd be a bloody first.

So I figured I'd speak to you.

George,
let me ask you a question -

do you think that if I allow
my family history

to be put on show
for all and sundry,

that I should have some say
in how we're being portrayed?

Sure.

Then let's just say that
that woman

has caused this family
enough hurt already,

without dragging my ancestors
through the mud.

And we'll leave it at that, eh?

Pull!

Are you going out?

Museum committee meeting.

Since when have you been
on that?

I'm not.
I'm just helping out.

- Helping who?
- Fiona.

- Busy Spice.
- Sorry?

I've given them all names.

Busy Spice, Surfy Spice, Arty
Spice and Teacher Spice.

Are there any others
I've missed out on?

You're far too young to be
referencing the Spice Girls.

- Yet somehow they fit.
- I'm going to a meeting, Shay.

If we have to live here,
we might as well get involved.

If? Does that mean there's
still a chance we're leaving?

It means I'm going to a meeting.

Ah!

A quorum.

I'm not actually
on the committee, remember.

All those in favour of George
Turner being on the committee?

- Hm.
- Passed unanimously.

Congratulations, George.
Have a seat.

What happened to the rest
of the committee?

Oh, um, apologies have been
taken, excuses made,

useless lot that they are.

First item of business -
the wine and cheese fundraiser

to raise funds
for the fundraiser.

Flyers dutifully delivered.

Good.

First problem -

we have no money
to buy wine or cheese.

Seriously?

We never do, George.

But until this year,

we... we had a sponsor who paid
for the wine and the cheese.

Big Mac.

What exactly is the story there?

You've spoken to him?

Yeah. I was intrigued.

Follow me.

Until recently, the brightest
star in the McNamara galaxy

was Great-Great,
um, Aunt Celia.

Because for many years
after they arrived

the McNamaras
were remarkably useless.

They lost more money
than they made.

And then along came

this remarkable, staunch woman

who turned
the family fortunes around

and kick-started
what you see today.

And Big Mac has a problem
with staunch women?

Well, yeah, but not with Celia.

He loves Celia.

Which is why when,
a few months ago,

this turned up,
the shit hit the fan.

That's Celia McNamara's journal,

bequeathed to the museum
by a distant relative.

It shines a whole new light

on how Aunt Celia
saved the family fortunes.

..my hand and place it
upon another tent,

one in his trousers.

I gasped,
for he was truly a man.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

So, it turns out that Aunt Celia

did much of her best work
flat on her back,

and other positions.

Yeah, well, I see why Big Mac
wouldn't want this put about.

As it were.

But it's the truth.

Celia used her womanly charms

to cut the deals
that made the McNamaras rich.

Shouldn't we
be telling that truth?

Can I take this? And read it?

Sure.

You're on the committee now.

My favourite bit

is how she won over
the dashing young journalist.

What are you reading?

Celia McNamara's journal.

- Well, can I read it?
- When you're 18.

What? Why?

Go to bed, Arlo.

Go to bed.

You can capture a life in words.

Honest words, outlining
a life of honest hard work.

And there are times...

..when all this honesty

should never
fall into the wrong hands.

Weirdo.

So, can you just give her
a message for me?

OK, I guess.

- I need to talk to her.
- Why?

I just do.

OK, yeah. Whatever.

You are so much
like your Aunt Celia.

What did you just say?

I mean in looks,
not in other ways.

Lindsay!

Hey, thanks, George.

Hey, I heard you're on
the committee.

Wow, word really does
get around.

So, is being on the committee

a part of the whole
being ready thing?

Yeah. What if fate drove me
to the museum that day?

Towards Fiona?

Whoo!

That'd be fate setting the bar
pretty high for you, mate.

What do you mean?

That's for fate to say, not me.

But she is a ferociously
attractive woman.

Yeah, luring you into
her many worlds.

Hello?

George, it's Tracey.

Oh.

You calling me during
school hours never ends well.

No, I'm afraid it doesn't.

What the hell is wrong
with you, Lindsay, hey?

Have you not learnt a bloody
thing from your brother?

Sorry, I came as quick
as I could.

Oh, thanks for coming.
Take a seat.

As you're aware,

this school
has a zero-tolerance policy

when it comes to this kind...

Tracey, I'm halfway through
a bloody bathroom fit-out, OK?

Lindsay knows the score.

She mucks up again,
she's out of here,

like her bloody useless brother.

And if you're too thick
to get that, too bad.

Now you can suffer
the consequences.

Bill, I don't think
we need to...

No, no, she's been warned,
Tracey, she's had her chance.

No, it was...
It was all my fault.

I was, um, I was making fun
of Lindsay and her family,

and, well, New Zealand
in general,

saying sheep jokes
and stuff like that.

She asked me to stop
and I kept going,

and so she slapped me,

but that was the right thing
to do.

I would have slapped me

if I was me.

Get back to class, and try and
stay out of trouble, alright?

- Was that true?
- Yeah.

Because it didn't sound
like you.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know what came over me.

Sorry.

I have to go to class.

Give me the name
of the hussy who belted Arlo

and I will come over
and belt her.

I knew I could count on you
to be a calming influence.

You're too reasonable, George.
She sounds like a little bitch.

I never said anything about her.

She hit Arlo.
That is enough for me.

- How's my column?
- Your column?

The one that's gonna fill
the blank page I currently have.

It's coming.
I have an idea.

- Do I get a clue?
- I'm... still pursuing it.

Uh-huh.

OK, in part it's about righting
the wrongs of history,

choosing the right words,
and fate.

Good fate or bad fate?

What do you mean?

Fate goes both ways, George.

Well, good, I hope. Like I
said, I'm still working on it.

And I'm doing my best to
make sure everything works out

for the better,
for all parties concerned.

Well, I very much look forward

to seeing how things turns out

for you and fate.

Yeah, me too.

I'm meeting a couple
of people here.

OK.

And here's the third!

Thanks for coming.

Always happy to talk, George.

Fiona.

William.

Jolly good.
So let's get on with it.

This is a cracker of a story
that has to be told.

I agree.

With the appropriate
sensitivity.

Censorship, you mean.

Before we get into all of that,

could we please just sit down?

Please?

Good. Thank you.

So, what we have here,
we're all agreed,

is a story worth telling

and an empty museum
to tell it in.

How do we get
those things together?

By not slandering my family.

It's not slander
if it's the truth.

Well, luckily,
that's where I come in.

Because there is a way to tell
both sides of the story.

These are the captions
I've written

to go on display
with the journal.

They tell the story of how

Celia was a woman
ahead of her time,

with great business acumen,

who turned around the fortunes
of the McNamara family

whilst still not being afraid
to be a woman,

to allow herself to live a life

overflowing with
companionship and friendship.

Some of my finest work.

Even if I do have to
say so myself.

Pretty fancy words, George.

Pity they can't undo the past.

See?

See what I have to live with?

Hey.

Hey, I...

Look, this sucks.

Whatever I said, I'm sorry.

Why'd you do that?

What?

Stick up for me.

That's what a gentleman does,
isn't it?

Weirdo.

At least she didn't hit you.

Hey, Arlo, you've read
Celia's journal, right?

No.

It's OK.
I know you have.

OK, then yeah.

Celia's life's a story
that should be told, right?

You mean how
she really liked sex?

More that she was a good
businesswoman too, right?

You mean how she liked
to have sex

with people who gave her money
and land and stuff like that?

No, no, just skipping over
that bit.

She had this way of getting
people to do what she wanted.

Yeah.
By having sex with them.

You know what? Never mind.

That's good, 'cause this was
starting to get a bit weird.

Yeah.

Thank you.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Why have I been wasting my time
with this whole Celia thing

when it's really
not about her at all?

My ex-husband was...

..is Big Mac's son.

- Which one?
- You haven't met him.

Oh.

Robert.

Robbie.

He's not around anymore,
and it didn't end well.

Well, I get that.

I don't get on that well
with my in-laws either.

Bet you've got nothing on me.

And that is something that I
would love to discuss with you

at a wine and cheese evening.

If we had some wine and cheese,
that is.

I see what you're doing there.

So, why let your history stand
in the way of actual history?

I'm not. He is. He's the one
that took his toys away.

Therefore I'm giving you
the opportunity

to prove that
you're better than him.

To rise above it.
For the greater good.

I'm all about
the greater good, me.

So you like my captions then?

I love your captions.

Then what's stopping us?

Apart from the actual wine
and cheese.

Of course I believe in
the greater good, George.

Everything I do
is for the greater good.

That's what I thought.

Then why ask me?

Just checking.

- What's this?
- The Celia captions I wrote.

Fiona signed off on them.
Literally.

Turns out you both believe
in the greater good.

So it's over to you
whether the event is on or not.

Why me?

Well, you're the man who pays
for all the wine and cheese.

I always bloody have.

Why should this year
be any different?

Hey, looking pretty sharp, Mr T.

Thanks, Woody. You're looking
pretty sharp yourself.

So, you ready?

Am I dressed? Yes.

Am I ready?

Only time will tell.

Nice suit.

Finest Stafford has to offer.

Woody, can I have a word
with my dad?

Yeah, yeah. Go for your life.

Shouldn't you be changed?

- Do I have to?
- Well, I'm paying you.

- So, what's the plan?
- What do you mean?

Who are you gonna hit on first?

- I'm not gonna hit on anyone.
- What if they hit on you?

- Well, that's not gonna happen.
- What if it does?

Well, what if it does?

Come on, you tell me, you tell
me what I'm supposed to do.

I'm single, I like women,
I like these women.

- Dad, it's less than a year!
- Don't you think I know that?

What I don't know
is how soon is too soon.

This. This feels too soon.

Shay, your mum is alive
in my memory every day.

That is not going to change.

Maybe that's why
it feels too soon.

You need to get changed.

I am...

..ready.

You should be paying us
twice what you are.

We agreed the fee. Be happy.

Dressed like this? Impossible.

Ripper.

Oh, what did you do that for?

For the social pages.

No! Just no.

Hallelujah, the saviour of the
wine and the cheese is here.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

I would, and further.

You two look fantastic.
Thanks for volunteering.

We couldn't really say no.

Well, Lindsay
will show you what to do.

- She's an old pro at this.
- Great.

Come on. Get stuck in.
It's not gonna drink itself.

OK, listen up.

It's real simple.

Just keep shoving wine at them,
keep shoving cheese at them,

and when I give you the signal,
get the hell out.

Why?

Just flee, if you know
what's good for you.

The, uh, kids know to split
when they get the nod, right?

Why would they need to do that?

George!

Hey, Zac.

- Are you ready?
- For what?

For all that's about to happen.

At a wine and cheese evening?

Yes - there's something about
this night, George,

that makes the locals go crazy.

Especially the womenfolk.
They go nuts.

You better watch yourself
tonight, George.

Why?

Being the most eligible
bachelor in town,

you are fair game.

This is very civilised.

Yeah, don't worry.
That is gonna change.

- You ready?
- Please stop asking me that.

OK.

You got roped in, eh?

Something like that.

Hey.

One year Fiona tried to get Ike

to be the Maori
dress-up warrior.

He gave her this big speech

about cultural this
and inappropriate that.

He used some pretty big words
for a 12-year-old.

He's got principles, that boy,
I'll give him that.

William, welcome.

Fiona.

Hope I'm not too late.

Right on time, as usual.

Grab a wine, some cheese,

before we begin the formalities.

I might just do that.

G'day, Celia. Ha!

Still a bit sensitive
about that, I see.

Yeah.

Mate, you've done a great job.

You have no idea how long
it took us to find two pages

of her journal we could display
to the public.

Flick over the page -
Celia's take on race relations.

Oh, jeez!

Ladies and gentlemen, if
I could have your attention...

You, um...

Oi!

Oh.

Just like to welcome you all,
again,

to our annual
pre-fundraiser fundraiser.

Thank you for you donations
thus far

in terms of your tickets,

and we look forward to plenty
more across the evening,

in terms of actual donations
to the donations box.

We accept cheques,
except from Monty.

And now let me introduce

the man without whom
any of this would be possible -

our patron and number one
benefactor, William McNamara.

Thank you, Fiona.

And, as always,
top work on the evening.

Big round of applause for
Fiona, ladies and gentlemen.

- As you know...
- OK, that's the signal.

What?

..McNamara family has
always been a proud sponsor...

When Grandpa starts speaking
we dump the trays,

and then it's
everyone for themselves.

But this year we're doubly proud

because this year
we get to celebrate the life

of one of our most
revered ancestors,

Great-Great-Great-Great-
Aunt Celia.

..the best way
she knew how.

Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.
I didn't realise anyone...

Oh, hi! Don't be.

Rule number one of these nights?

Always hide the good stuff.

His sanctimony goes on
for ages, trust me.

Anyway, this will give us
a chance.

To what?

Well, to have that conversation
you mentioned, of course.

So what are we meant to do now?

Get far away, if you're wise.

I-I didn't like the way
your dad spoke to you.

That's why I took the blame.

Hurry up, Lindsay!

Whatever.

What are you doing?

Leaving.

- That's not your bike.
- I'll bring it back.

Are you going home?

What should I tell Dad?

Don't tell him anything.
Not that I think he'll care.

We should really
get back out there.

- Not yet.
- You won't be missed?

Well, maybe we'll both be missed

and people will start talking.

Yeah, I'm getting used to that.

So you wouldn't mind?

If it was us
that they were talking about?

If you'd asked me that question
about half an hour ago,

I would have said no,
not at all.

What changed?

I just realised.
I'm... I'm not ready.

- Ready for what?
- Someone new in my life.

A relationship.
Whatever you want to call it.

I'm sorry.

What makes you think that
I wanna be in a relationship

or whatever you want to call it?

Oh.

I think I might have
just made a huge mistake.

Well, to be fair,

it's a mistake I was thinking
of making as well.

Oh.

What stopped you?

Oh, too much emotional baggage.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

No, not you. I mean me.

My ex-husband...

..is in prison...

..'cause I put him there.

'Cause he was an abusive
drug-dealing prick.

So I called the police
and I testified against him.

And 'cause he's the golden boy
who can do no wrong,

I have yet to be forgiven
for my treachery.

You're not the only one
with emotional baggage, George.

Yes, I tend to forget that.

To be fair,

dead wife's quite a lot of
emotional baggage, isn't it?

Yeah, but the ex-husband
prison thing

is also not a small thing.

I'm sorry, I'm so out of
practice with all this...

Me too.

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry it's late.

No, that's... that's OK.

You want to come in?

It was nothing you said.

Well, it was, a bit, but...

..mainly it was all about me.

I don't want another mother.

I don't want Dad to move on.

Not yet.

Not when I still think about
Mum every single day.

Hey.

Too much has changed too fast,
and I hate it...

..because I can't change it.

And that's why I took it out
on you.

Because I like you.

Really like you.

And if we...

If we, you know...

..then that's another change.

That's another
commitment to here.

It's another gap between me
and the past.

Between me and Mum.

God, that sounds so stupid.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Maybe you need to
look at things different.

That it's fun, that it's...
that it's good,

that it helps you
get over the past.

And that I really,
really like you too.

Really, really?

I can put in more reallys
if you want.

You don't have to.

Are you sure?

I am now.

Um... Mm...

Hurry up!

Come on. They'll have
reached it by now.

Reached what?

The slippery slope.

If it's any consolation,
George, at the right time...

..I could fill my life
with a man like you.

Well,

your life seems full enough
as it is.

Well, exactly.

She biked home? How?

On Lindsay's bike.

Are you sure
you're alright with this?

All good, for tonight
I am the taxi driver.

'Cause we don't have
an actual taxi driver.

And it saves on paperwork
in the long run.

You gonna be alright
by yourself, Dad?

Sure.

I'll help clean up here
and I'll see you there.

You want the flashing lights on?

I'll be OK, thanks.

Hi!

Some of us are going for
a night surf later.

Do you wanna come?

Well, you don't think
I can surf during the day.

Uh... I'll save you.

Maybe some other time.

OK. Definitely some other time.

Whoo-hoo!

George!

Do you know that,
despite all the fights,

you have the best kids?

Thank you.

And I think the father has
something to do with it.

Well, thank you.

Do you wanna come for a
post-party drink at my place?

Uh, no, I think I should
get home, you know?

- The kids.
- Right.

- Some other time.
- Some other time.

Dance with me, George!

- I'm not a dancing person.
- I bet you are on the inside.

Not on any side.
Goodnight, Katie.

- The night is young, George.
- Not for me.

One day, you and me,
we will dance.

One day.

Hey.

So, were you ready?

No.

Yeah.

Figured not.

- Hey, wait.
- I have to go.

I know.

I know.

Get your hands off me, Tom.

It's not funny, Monty!

It's not funny.

Have you got the keys?
I can't find the keys.

You sure you're gonna be
alright with this lot?

No worries.

Then I'll probably stake out
the billboard for a bit.

They'll probably strike tonight.

While everyone's distracted.

- Good luck with that.
- What about you?

You OK?

Oh, I'm a work in progress.

I mean to drive.

Oh! Yeah, sorry.
One drink, all night.

Be a record for this do.

Huh.

Oh! Oop!

George!

- Fiona. Ooh.
- You're still here.

Yeah.

I, um, sleep in the ambulance
after events like this.

Just makes it
a bit more efficient

when I go to tidy up
in the morning.

Care to join me?

What happened
to not being ready?

Yeah, but that's before
I had a lot of wine.

Oh, well, never mind.

Here, you alright?

Up you get.

You're a wonderful man.

And... and you are
a remarkable woman.

I know.

Down you go.

Oh.

No cougars in tow?

No.

Aw. No takers?

Something like that.

Also not ready.

It's Mum's birthday soon.

Yeah, I know.

We should do something.

Yeah, we should.

I hope tonight
wasn't too horrible.

It was OK.

'Night.

Goodnight.

"In the cold, hard light of day,

"when words have failed you,

"I think it was the Dalai Lama

"who said that silence
is the best answer...

"..because that sounds like
the sort of thing he'd say.

"And he'd be right."

Ally-oopa!

"Silence is the best answer.

"Because maybe,

"at the beginning
and the end of the day,

"you get to the point
where it's time

"to let the words go

"and just get on with living."