800 Words (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

"Special occasions

"can cause a man to do strange things,

"like leaping out of a plane to propose,

"or tandem bungee jumping
to mark an anniversary,

"or catching the wave

"that will pound you
mercilessly into the sand,

"all because you were
trying to prove something.

"One thing is for sure --

"if these things don't make you stronger,

"it's probably because they killed you."

- What are you doing?!
- I'm practising.

- It's not going well.
- I can see that.

Is the house on fire? Oh Please say yes!

No, it's my pancakes.

It's hard to get the temperature
right without a proper stove.

Yeah, I bet. Maybe you should
skip the pancakes this year.

What? No.

No. I always make unusual
pancakes on Mum's birthday.

But Mum was the only one who ate
them, and now she's not here.

Well, she is in spirit, right?

Dad, Mum's here in spirit, isn't she?


And if you want to make pancakes
tomorrow, we will eat them.

As long as they are edible.


But even Mum couldn't eat last
year's Moreton Bay bug effort.

You're not doing seafood again, are you?

I was thinking pineapple lumps

in honour of being in New Zealand.

- Lumps of pineapple?
- It's their national sweet.

But they don't even grow pineapples here.

That's not the point.
Acceptable on the pancake front.

And just embrace the concept,
like your mother would have.


So will you be the one
drinking too many mojitos

and making us all sing
along to Mum's song?

Maybe not.

Speaking of singing...

Is that coming from under the house?

Knock, knock...


- Bright and early.
- Catching the worm, George.

What, the worm currently singing opera?

Hey? Oh, nah, nah, that's Smiler.

- Sorry?
- Enrico Smilie.

He's known around these
parts as Smiler the Piler.

I told you, he'd be giving the
west corner under Shay's room

a bit of a gee up today.

- Did you?
- Yeah, no, I did.

Was this one of the conversations

you had in your head without
actually speaking it out loud?

Yeah, possibly.

- So, do we need to... to leave?
- Nah, nah, it's all good.

He'll jimmy a joist, it'll be sweet.


Woody, are you up there?

Uh, yeah, mate. You alright down there?

- We need to have a few words.
- Yeah, OK.

Quick word.

Yeah, OK. Well, um...

Hang on. Just hang on.

Hey, um, I don't wanna alarm you.

You need to vacate the house now.

What? Why?

Well, Smiler's uncovered
something of a piling crisis,

in that of the 24 piles that
are supporting your house,

23 of them are rotten, and
aren't actually doing anything.

In a piling sense.

Our house is balancing on... on one pile?

The centre one.

Like a plate on a finger.

We need to move out now.

Yeah. Good choice.

Just when I thought Weld

couldn't lower the benchmark
on civilisation any further.

Hey, we can go kayaking.

- Why?
- For Mum's birthday.


You know, trying something new,
like she always wanted us to.


We'd like a room, thanks. Two-bedroom.

Oh. Check-in's not till midday.


So you're full until then, eh?

Well, I suppose I could
bend the rules this once.

Just write your name and your car rego.

George Turner?


I heard you were back in town.

- Sorry, do we know each other?
- You don't remember me, do you?

We used to surf together.

- Did we?
- Yeah. Dean Marshall.

Get out of my way, dick-wit!

Dean Marshall.


You still surf? You must
be a bit of a gun by now.

Oh, it's a work in progress.


Nah, not a chance with this dump.

24/7 biz, mate.

And after the missus did a runner,

just can't get out.

I'm sorry to hear that.

George Turner, eh?

We had some good times, didn't we?

Yeah, that's one way of looking at it.

I've seen worse.


Hey, Dad, it says there's free wi-fi,

and I can't even get a signal.

Picked it.

On the upside there's a stove
here for your pancakes tomorrow.

That's your upside?

- Presuming it works.
- Yeah, there is that.

Hey, after that, Shay and I
were thinking the kayaking.

- No, we weren't.
- Kayaking?

- Yeah. As an adventure, for Mum.
- Yeah, sure.

Maybe. Why not?

Because a kayak from this
place will undoubtedly sink?


You forgot your milk.

- Thanks, Dean.
- It's free.

- Oh, like the wi-fi?
- Oh, the wi-fi doesn't work.

Yeah, we noticed.

Hey, it's free, so nothing lost, eh?

Uh, anything else I can do you for?

- Probably not.
- All good.

George Turner.

- Do you know that guy?
- Oh, he's just an acquaintance.

Is he, like, a friend?

No, no, he was never a friend.

This is nice.

Oysters in the shell.


Really bad idea, Arlo.

You know what? I'm just
getting in the spirit.

To new experiences.


- You?
- Pass.

You don't know what you're missing out on.

Snot disguised as food is my guess.

Mm, yeah, you really look
like you're enjoying that.

Mm, yummy.

Just leave him alone, Shay.

- New experience one, Arlo zero.
- Give your brother a break.

It's important to him.

Hey, Dad...


I was thinking, since we
had to leave the house

with just the shirts on our backs,

that, um, maybe I could
crash at Katie's tonight?

I've got an art project

that she could sort of help me out with.

Isn't Katie an evil
harpie out to entrap me?

Katie's... alright.

Plus she's an artist, which
is really useful for me.

And the BLT and the caesar salad.

How are the oysters going?

Coming back up, to be more accurate.

But they're fresh.

No, it's not the oysters, it's Arlo.

Trying to carry on the tradition.

It's Laura's birthday tomorrow.

First one since... Yeah.

She always made a point of making us

do something new and bold
before the usual celebrations.

That's wonderful.

Not always.

Like the rollerblading year.


So what's it to be this year?

You are continuing the tradition, right?

Uh, we don't really know yet.

I'll just go and check on Adventure Boy.

So, what were your usual celebrations?


After doing things new and bold.

Um, a lot of mojitos with her friends

while Dad cooked crayfish on the barbie.

Then the singing started.

And after that, anything was possible.

He's out like a light.

Two oysters.

What a loser.


Could you keep an eye on Arlo?


- I'm going for a surf.
- On one condition.

I don't have to go kayaking tomorrow.

Let's talk about it with Arlo.

Dad, I don't want to
paddle around the estuary

having a compulsory family outing.

It's not going to make
tomorrow feel any better.

Then we'll find another
way to have fun, alright?

It'll be many things, Dad.

But without Mum, fun
will not be one of them.

Back soon.

Hey, Georgie. You want a beer?

Not right now, thanks.

All good, bro.

I'm not going anywhere.

OK, Ike, what's the
message you want to send?

That Big Mac's development will suck.

OK. Why?

Because it's... it's our
camp ground, not his.

So it has some cultural meaning?

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

Like a Maori burial ground?


- A Maori battle site?
- No.

But it has some spiritual
connection for your people?

My people?

You've been reading too many

"Kia ora, welcome to
New Zealand" brochures.

My people is everyone
around here, us Weld people.

And that includes you.

OK, yeah, the camp ground
might be old and uncool,

but it's ours.

Doesn't matter whether you're
brown, white, rich, poor --

everyone's equal.

20 bucks a night will get
you a place under the trees,

a barbecue, a stinky old dunny...

.. and a place to just fish or swim

or lie in the sun.

If Big Mac gets his way

then this becomes a gated community

for rich old people,

with high walls to keep my people out.

Us. You and me.


Then let's say all that.


But that won't all fit on the billboard.

We don't need billboards anymore.

Where are we going?

Your place.

Good surf.

Yeah, good surf.

Bad surfer.

Glaring at the waves may help.

I heard about tomorrow.


What do you wanna do?

I wanna go back in time and
bring her back to life.

Of course.

Sorry, that was unfair.


You know what? Come to the next bay.

It's very Zen.

It's also very nude.

Oh, getting naked is optional.

No, I don't think so.

Why? You afraid to try something new?


That's... It's just
something Laura used to say.

When she wanted us to get
outside our comfort zone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, it's OK. It's OK.

OK, so a few years ago, I
went through a bad patch.

I missed Melbourne and I was
really close to moving back.

But, on a very bad day,

I discovered the nudie bay,

and before you know it, I was
there as often as I could

with a good book getting my kit off.

Four years later, I'm still here.

Bad patches come and go.

In the end, it's just lying in the sun.


So, are you, George?

Am I what?

Afraid to leave your comfort zone?

It's OK to look, George.

Nudists are by definition exhibitionists.

Then why is everyone looking at me?

I'm the one with the clothes on.

They're assuming you're a pervert.

Up until the point where
you're the weird one.


Still got my watch on, is that alright?

I'll let you off this time.

So, do you feel it?

The Zen?

No, I feel like I'm about to get arrested.

I'm also feeling a bit of a breeze.

That's part of the Zen.


You are an evil genius.

Only in the name of good.

Glen can turn them around real quick.

I'll send him the file,

shoot over to Stafford and pick them up.

- How many you reckon?
- Mm, 50?

50. Done.

OK, I'll be back by dark.

Sounds good.

What about your dad? Is he...

Nah, he's out diving. He
won't be back till later.

When I used to come here when I was a kid,

Dean was the guy.

He was a great surfer and
I watched him every day

and I really wanted to be like him.

And then one day when I
tried to prove my worth, I...

I surfed onto the rocks.

I lost my board shorts in the process.

And now every time I stand up on my board

I hear that laughing and it's...

Learner Turner, you loser!

It just psychs me out, you know?

Like, I came here, I brought
my family here to surf,

and I'm nowhere.

- Hey.
- Hey!



I didn't know you, um...

I what?

Well, you know...

- I didn't know you did, George.
- I didn't.

Not until just a few minutes ago.

And are you feeling the Zen?

Yeah, something like that.

George needs surfing lessons.

I know.

I bet he'd pay you to teach him.


Oh, yeah. Handsomely sounds good.

- Start tomorrow?
- Tomorrow's no good.

Oh, yeah. Your wife's birthday.

Well, we should start now
then. With the surfing.

- Now?
- Yep.

So, clothes on or clothes off?

What's wrong with Parata Bay?

Baby steps, George.

OK, now, your problem is your head.

So it's psychological?

No, it's your head.

- OK?
- Yep.

So, when you pop up,

you look down at your feet.

And that takes your
body weight over and...

- I over-balance.
- Yes, correct.

- Oh, I see.
- OK.

Stop looking down and look out.

Look at the world.

Look at the waves, the beach. Look at me.

Look at you?

I mean, you know, look out.

Be open and proud.

But you can look at me if it
helps, 'cause it probably will.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, look anywhere you like,
just not at your feet, OK?

OK, gotcha.

Let's go.

Up. Chin up.


Very nice.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Better, but not ideal.

Where's Shay?

She went to Katie's. She left a note.

Hey, so are you still up
for this kayaking idea?

Let's get Shay and talk
about it over fish and chips.

I don't think I can go
near seafood ever again.

- Chinese Palace?
- Better.

- Hey, Katie.
- George!

- How's the art project going?
- Which one?

The one where my daughter's
bothering you for artistic advice.

Uh, actually, Shay's not close by.

Oh, well, tell her I'll swing
by in 15 and, uh, grab her.

I've gotta head out so why don't
I drop her up at the motel?

- Are you sure that's no trouble?
- No, no problem.

- I'll see you in a bit.
- OK, thank you.

Hey, Georgie Porgie.

Look, uh, I've been
thinking about this cock-up

with the wi-fi,

and I've got Zac coming in in the morning.

Good for you.

Well, in the meantime, care
to rip the scab off a bad boy?

We were just heading out
to get some takeaways.

Well, call it an aperitif.

Yeah, no, that's alright, I'll go.

Yeah. That's the spirit, boy.

Boom! Yeah.

Let your old man catch
up with an old mate.

- Come on.
- I'll see you later.

Georgie Porgie.

Ike! It's Katie here.

Is there any reason why
I can't come in there?

Oh, shit!

One Mississippi,

two Mississippi, three Mississippi...

- I didn't say you could come in.
- I don't care right now.

Your dad's looking for you.

But I covered for you.

Not that I appreciate being an alibi.

I don't need to know,
because I already know.

But never again.


Sorry, again.


Well, I gotta go and pick up that thing.

Bloody hell, Ike!

Considering who's supposed
to be where and with who,

maybe not your best idea.

Yeah. Yep.

See ya.

So like his bloody father.

- I meant to do that.
- Yeah, sure you did.

- S'up?
- Uh, hunting and gathering.


Better than Steve's.

Lindsay McNamara might
spit in your tartare sauce.

Lindsay works at Steve's?

She's a McNamara -- her
cousin Steve owns it,

and they only employ
within their gene pool.

Where are you going?

You've got an impressive menu.

Hurry up, or I'll give you an
impressive punch in the head.

Would that come with fries?

What's your fish of the day?

Same as every day.


The point of fast food

is it's meant to be, like, fast.

Oh, um...

OK, uh, I'll get a... a hot dog.

Uh, a crab stick.

Uh, two 'fush'.

Uh, lots of chips. Uh...

A pineapple ring. Uh...

What happened was you dropped in on me!

And dropping in is the
ultimate surfing crime!

Get out of my way, dick-wit!

It's what you did to me.

Dean Marshall never drops in on anyone.

I ended up on the rocks, cut to shreds.

And you and your mates
took the piss out of me.

And it was the '80s, and
you were allowed to laugh

at somebody else's misfortune back then.

You'd lost your board shorts!

I was humiliated.

And you robbed me of the possibility

of a great surfing life.


By ruining my confidence.

Maybe you just weren't any good.


Well, maybe things have changed.

- Oh, yeah, how?
- Maybe now I'm ready.

- What for?
- To take you on.

Then we'll see who's laughing at who.


You want a surf-off with me?


You just name a time and a place.

I'm off to find my wettie.

No, I didn't mean right now. I meant...

Hey, man, seize the day
and all of that, you know?

I been thinking for a while
about getting back in the water.

- Now's as good a time as any.
- Are you nuts?

- We've been drinking.
- Hey.

You gotta face the demons
when the devil's on your back.

And then by turning
back and facing the past,

it's only then that you
can turn back again

and face the future full on, in your face,

with your dreams and...

You know, all of that.


- Thanks for the drop-off.
- No worries.

Shay and I have had an
interesting afternoon.

- Hey, Katie Patatie.
- Dean.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

She's growing up fast.

Yeah. She's almost as tall as her mum.

Take it easy.

You don't want to stay for a drink?

Uh, no, I'll leave you to your man time.

See ya later, Katie Patatie.

You really need to stop doing that.

- What?
- Rhyming people's names.

It's... it's a younger man's game.

- Nah, man. The chicks love it.
- No, they don't. Trust me.

So, tomorrow.

Tomorrow. You are on.

Unless you're all mouth
and no board shorts.



At dawn.

Maybe a bit later.

I'm not really a morning person anymore.

Yeah, alright. Tomorrow.


At a time yet to be determined.

Tomorrow it is, Learner Turner.



Whew! Huh!

Back there.


The mother lode. Huh.

Hey, um, tomorrow it's Mum's birthday,

and we haven't agreed on anything special

other than my pancakes.

- We could go to the beach.
- What's special about the beach?

Nothing, other than the fact

that I've challenged the
motel owner, Dean Marshall,

to a bit of a... well, a surf-off.

Which you guys could come and watch.

What, that guy can actually surf?

Oh, yeah. He used to.

It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

I could get Dean to change the dates.

Tomorrow's as good a day as any.

No, you're right. I'll
get him to change the day.

Dad, stop being so guilty about it.

It's what you came here to do.

And it beats kayaking.

You gonna take him down?

That's the plan.

He called you Georgie Porgie,
and that is just wrong.

Oh! Should get people talking.

Create some noise, at least.

You alright?


I'll get that.


Don't mind if I do a signal test?

- Since it was your idea.
- Yeah, yeah. Come in.

Before I do, check this out.

I, uh... I never thought I'd see the day.

I called Blind Willie, bro.

He said the conditions are primo.

Who does?


You don't know Blind Willie?

He's the guy you call for
the one true surf report.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, I'll see you there.

Yeah. You know you will.


Three o'clock sharp.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he went out.

You want a pancake?



Arlo! Hello, darling.

- It's a birthday miracle.
- What is?

We have wi-fi.


Are you drinking at work?

Oh, it's OK.

There's no-one else here yet

as I toast my absent friend.

Where are you?

Oh, a motel from Hell.

It's a long story.

Where's Dad?

Gone for a surf, I guess.

Is Shay there?

You just missed her.

We're, um...

.. we're supposed to be doing
stuff for Mum's birthday,

but it's like they don't know what to do.

Jan, what if Mum is here,

in spirit?

Looking down,

and we're not doing anything?

Oh, sweetheart. I'm...

I'm sure she'd just be
so pleased to see you all.

Want a pancake?

So, one surf lesson and you
think you're Kelly Slater?

You heard?

Dean called Blind Willie
for a surf report.

Blind Willie got so excited
he called everyone.

A surf-off? Really?

He sat there pontificating
and pissing me off.

I thought, "Why can't I take this guy?"

Because you can't surf?

He can hardly be a contender these days.

He may be a fat slob, but
Dean is still the Orca.

The Orca?

The Orca was his nickname
when he was a kid, OK?

He found his mojo when he was 16.

Regional champ. Did well at the nationals.

The Orca was the man.

But the size of the man...

Dean got really big when he was 16.

That made him the legend.

Fat and talented.

Killer surfer, girth of a whale.

The Orca.

I need to call this off.

Only if you want everyone
to hate you again.

Look, Dean's whole life
fell apart a few years back,

and he gave up surfing
and everything else.

We all tried to get him back
on the water and we all failed,

until you.

If you don't go through with this,

the Orca will never surf again,

and everyone will hate you.

What the hell?

Oh, it's Dad.

Jeez, Dad! Keep your hair on!

What the hell is this?


You got something to say to
me, you say it to my face!

I have never seen that before.

- Don't you honk at me!
- Well, you asked the question.

Dad, did you honk to say
yes, or because it was me?

Shut up, Monty!

Are you responsible for this?


It's pretty funny, though.

- Everything alright?
- No.

I am the victim of a
vicious personal attack.

Say what?


Jesus Christ! This is an outrage!

That is not standard police issue.

This is defamation!

Now, what are you gonna do about it?!

I'll investigate.

After the Orca.

- The Orca?
- He's back.

- Is he back in the water?
- Very much so.

Can we get back to the fact
that I am being maligned?

- There's an orca in the bay?
- No, it's a surfer.

I'll say it again -- evil genius.

Any pointers? I'll take
whatever you've got.

- Look, forget technique.
- That's easy. Next.

You need to believe in yourself,

and you need to believe
that wave will carry you.

I don't think letting the force
be with me is going to cut it.

Then I have something for you.

Great. What?

I don't give this to just anyone, OK?

It's because I like you.

An eight-foot-six mini Mal

handcrafted in Hawaii

by Waka the Wave Weaver.


With the MBP at your feet

you will blow the Orca out the water.

The MBP?


The Magic Board of Prowess.


I'll see you at the beach.
Have a cold pancake.



"Special occasions are
fraught with danger,

"of anti-climax, of not doing it right,

"of not doing enough

"or of doing way too much.

"In the end,

"it's not what we do

"but that we do it."

Oh, here he is.

- George.
- Hey, George.

What you're doing's really awesome, man.

Thanks, Woody.

- Is that the MBP?
- Sure is.


- Is that Smiler?
- Yeah, nah, it is.

Why isn't he under my house?

Oh, no, he's finished.

Is that why he's smiling?

Ah, no. That'll be the invoice.

Just remember. Head up.

Hell of a turnout.

Guess that's what happens when
legends come out of retirement.

Oh. Thanks, Monty.

Better step up, then.

- Go, Dad!
- Yeah, get him, Georgie Porgie!

He's gonna crash and burn, isn't he?

Yep. He is.

Guess that makes me

the ambulance at the bottom of the wave.

I can't do this.


It's been too long.

They're all here for you, Dean.

Oh, come on. They're
here for the circus act.

Fat guy on fibreglass.

You used to be the envy of every
surfer in Weld, including me.

And now I'm just a chubby old stoner

who runs a crap motel.


What happened to facing the
demons on your back, eh?

What happened to riding
the board of your dreams

and... and catching the
wave of possibility?

What happened to doing the thing you love

for the people who love you, eh?


I like that, GT.

Riding the board of my dreams.

Catching the wave of possibility. Yeah!

Go, Dean!

Go, the Orca!


Thanks, Dean.

You reckon he's ever coming in?

Nope. I reckon he's forgotten
everything I taught him.

- I got this.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah, uh, George...

.. the thing with a surf-off, mate,

is that when it's just
one guy waiting for a wave

it's not a surf-off, that's,
uh... well, that's just a surf.

- I can't do this.
- What?! Are you piking?

No, I'm not piking, I just can't do it.

This was your idea, mate.

You saw how good he was. I
don't wanna embarrass my kids.

What, so you're gonna leave
your kids on the beach

whose father piked out
over a four-foot swell?

Mate, do you know what your problem is?

- Fear of crushing embarrassment? - Nah.

It's your dead wife's birthday and
you don't know what to do about it.

And that's OK.

That's OK, 'cause no-one expects you

to know what to do, mate,
'cause that's bloody hard.

Now, you can stay hide out here and hide

until everyone leaves,

but eventually you're gonna shrivel up

into a prune

and become the pruney guy.

And Shay and Arlo do not want their father

to be the pruney guy and a piker.

Or you can just step up and just face

your inevitable crushing
embarrassment like a man.

Hannah's given you the MBP, mate.

Give yourself to the board,

give the board to the
wave and just let it go.

Right, this is your wave.


Paddle, George.

Paddle, George, like
there's no tomorrow, mate!




- Ooh!
- Oh!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Ha-ha!

Tell me that wasn't the
wave of possibility.


Life is all good, George.

Yeah, well, maybe not all good.

You were briefly awesome.

No, but I broke the MBP.

Yeah, but you didn't break yourself,

which is more important.

Yeah, but I broke the MBP!



There is no MBP, is there?

It was an old dunga, mate.
You're not ready for a real one.

I can't believe I fell for that!

Oh, well.

Look, it kind of worked, didn't it?

Yeah, and who cares, mate?

You're alive and you just
competed in your first surf-off,

which ticks a box, don't you reckon?


- Mum would have been proud.
- You think?

Oh, she would have been
pissing herself laughing too.

If she was here.

Which she's not.

Uh, well, no, and kind of yeah.

Here he comes, guys!

Ah, mojitos and crayfish.

They somehow found out
our family tradition.


You didn't need to do this, you know.

Consider it thanks for
the awesome entertainment.

- And you kept your pants on.
- Yeah.

That is true.

Hey, there's someone for you.

Hey, Jan.

Excellent loss of dignity.

- You saw that?
- Yeah, Arlo sent me the clip.

So I posted it on the magazine website.

Hey, Jan, are you drunk at work?

Shh! They think I've been
drinking a lot of coffee today.

But yes, I am drunk.

- Crayfish for the action hero.
- Ah.



- Kaimo what?
- Kaimoana.

Food from the sea, with
friends on the beach.

Wish you were here.

You promise me you'll sing the song.

Yeah, we'll sing the song.

I miss her.

Yeah, me too.

♪ I'm tired of the city lights

♪ Summer's on the run

♪ People tell me I should stay

♪ But I got to have my fun... ♪


♪ So don't try and hold me back

♪ There's nothing you can say

♪ Snake eyes on a paradise

♪ And we got to go today

♪ Take me to the April sun in Cuba

♪ Oh oh oh

♪ Take me where the April sun's

♪ Gonna treat me so right

♪ So right

♪ Take me to the April sun

♪ Oh, take me

♪ Take me to the April sun. ♪

"Embrace special occasions.

"Mark their significance

"and let them resonate,
but then let them go."

Dad, my bedroom door won't shut.

Yeah, now that the house is straight,

everything else is out of whack.

I'll get onto Woody tomorrow.

So it'll be like this
for the next five years,

is what you're saying.


"Then make room for the
following day. Tomorrow.

"The new day. As life carries us on.

"A wave with...

".. limitless possibilities

"enriched, we hope,

"with many special occasions...

".. yet to come."