3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 12 - Dick and Taxes - full transcript
Despite the fact they've been on Earth for about three years now, the Solomons have never filled in the annual IRS forms and therefore Dick asks Mary to help them. She calculates they owe the IRS 9,500 dollars. When looking at the numbers again, the Solomons think up the idea to lie on their forms so they'll receive money instead of having to pay. Unfortunately for them, the IRS doesn't trust it and announces they'll audit the Solomons. This makes them terrified. They think the IRS will find out they are aliens.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, DICK?
OH, MARY, THANK GOD.
I WANTED TO SHOW YOU THAT
IF YOU MIX UP THE LETTERS
IN YOUR LAST NAME,
IT SPELLS "LAB RIGHT."
OK.
BUT WHAT WAS THE EMERGENCY
THAT COULDN'T WAIT
ANOTHER SECOND,
THAT MADE ME GET OFF THE
PHONE WITH THE CHANCELLOR?
"LAB RIGHT."
DICK, LOOK. SOMETHING
WEIRD IS GOING ON AT WORK.
DOUG'S GONNA MAKE ME PAY TAXES.
EVERYONE PAYS TAXES, HARRY.
IT IS OUR DUTY,
NAY, OUR PRIVILEGE
TO PAY TAXES WHEN
WE PURCHASE GOODS,
SUCH AS CHOCOLATES AND COMBS.
THAT'S VERY NOBLE OF
YOU, DICK, IN FEBRUARY.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU SAY IN APRIL
WHEN YOU HAVE TO FILE YOUR RETURN.
MY RETURN?
YOUR TAX RETURN.
OH. MY TAX RETURN.
THE ONE YOU FILE EVERY YEAR.
OH, THAT. YES.
WELL, NINA DOES ALL MY FILING.
UH, NINA!
WHAT?
UH, BRING ME MY RETURN.
YOUR RETURN?
MY RETURN. MY RETURN.
YOU SEE WHAT I
HAVE TO DEAL WITH?
MY RETURN!
ALL RIGHT. FORM 1040.
FIRST NAME: DICK.
LAST NAME: SOLOMON.
AND MARY SAID THIS
WOULD BE COMPLICATED.
DICK, THIS IS SO BORING.
WHY ARE WE DOING IT?
BECAUSE, SALLY, THIS
IS WHAT HUMANS DO.
IT'S LIKE THEIR
NATIONAL PASTIME.
AND YOU DON'T WANT
US TO STAND OUT.
HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE FUNNY?
WHERE IT SAYS SEX,
WRITE "FREQUENTLY."
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, HARRY!
THAT IS FUNNY.
THEY DON'T ASK
FOR YOUR SEX HERE.
WELL, IF THERE'S
ANYPLACE YOU CAN INDICATE
THAT YOU LIKE TO HAVE FREQUENT
SEX, I THINK IT'S WORTH DOING.
"FARM INCOME OR LOSS."
SO DID OUR FARM SHOW
A PROFIT LAST YEAR?
NO. WHERE IS SCHEDULE F?
WAIT, WAIT. WE DIDN'T
HAVE A FARM LAST YEAR.
WE LOST THE FARM!
NO!
LINE 14. "OTHER
GAINS OR LOSSES."
I GAINED 2 POUNDS.
I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
HEY.
THERE'S YOUR OPPORTUNITY
FOR THAT FREQUENT SEX
THING GOING TO THROW IN.
"ENTER ITEMIZED DEDUCTIONS
FROM PAGE 3, SCHEDULE C, LINE 2,
TO THE EXTENT THEY ARE ALLOWABLE
ON SCHEDULE A, FORM 1040-NR."
"ENTER THE LARGER OF
YOUR ITEMIZED DEDUCTIONS
FROM LINE 28 OR STANDARD
DEDUCTION SHOWN ON THE LEFT."
MY LEFT OR ITS LEFT?
"SEE PAGE 30 TO FIND
YOUR STANDARD DEDUCTION
"IF YOU CHECKED ANY
BOX ON LINE 35-A OR 35-B
OR IF SOMEONE CAN CLAIM
YOU AS A DEPENDENT."
I'M TELLING YOU, THERE
IS NO SCHEDULE P!
THERE HAS TO BE, DAMN IT!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!
I'M A SUPERIOR BEING.
I CAN CALCULATE THE
DECAYING ORBIT OF A DYING MOON
TO WITHIN 1/10 OF AN INCH.
WHY CAN'T I CALCULATE
THE SUBTOTAL OF LINE 59-A?
WHY CAN'T I FIND LINE 59-A?
WHERE THE HELL IS LINE 59-A?!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
OH, HERE IT IS.
EVERYBODY JUST SETTLE DOWN.
OK, YOU ADD LINES 41 THROUGH 47.
OH, YES, MARY.
YOU ARE THE SEXIEST
ACCOUNTANT IN TOWN.
YEAH.
JUST A MINUTE, DICK.
I'M NOT QUITE DONE.
OH, THAT'S IT MARY.
CRUNCH THOSE NUMBERS.
CRUNCH 'EM GOOD.
SO YOU SUBTRACT LINE 64
FROM 56...
YES. NOW DEDUCT MY PANTS.
DICK, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO LOSE YOUR SHIRT.
AND SO ARE YOU.
YOU OWE $9,500!
WHAT?!
YOU BITCH!
YOU DIDN'T PAY ANY TAXES.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T
EXPECT MY GIRLFRIEND
TO WEAR MY ASS AS A SNOWSHOE!
$9,500?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU GUYS, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
LOOK AT ALL THESE RECEIPTS
FROM ALL THESE MEALS.
IF WE'D ONLY TALKED ABOUT
BUSINESS DURING SOME OF THEM,
WE COULD WRITE OFF ALL
THIS MONEY AS DEDUCTIONS.
WHO SAYS WE DIDN'T...
TALK ABOUT BUSINESS?
YES.
'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON
WE EVER GO OUT TO
EAT, ANYWAY, RIGHT,
IS TO TALK...
ABOUT... BUSINESS.
BUSINESS.
OK, I MUST TUNE OUT,
BECAUSE I NEVER HEAR US
TALKING ABOUT BUSINESS.
YES.
WE CAN LIE
ON OUR TAXES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NO HUMAN
HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE.
OK, WAIT A SECOND, YOU
GUYS. WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
HOW CAN WE GET CAUGHT?
ALL THOSE OTHER DOPES OUT THERE
ARE TELLING THE TRUTH
ABOUT THEIR TAXES.
THEY'RE JUST GOING
TO ASSUME THAT...
WE ARE, TOO.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
YOU CAN GET A DEDUCTION
FOR HAVING A HOME BUSINESS.
REALLY?
THEN IT'S A GOOD THING
THAT YOU RUN ONE HERE, SALLY.
YES, DICK,
IT SURE IS.
IS THIS THE BUSINESS
THAT I NEVER HEAR YOU
GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
OH, AND LOOK AT THIS.
HERE'S A RECEIPT FOR $14.99.
OR IS IT...
$114.99?
OR IS IT...
$1,114.99?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. YOU
THINK THEY'LL BUY THAT?
I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF
MONEY. FOR A PENCIL SHARPENER.
SIMPLE.
WE JUST CROSS OUT
"PENCIL SHARPENER"...
AND WRITE IN...
"AIRPLANE."
IT'S BRILLIANT!
WELL...
HERE IS OUR HOME BUSINESS.
THANKS, DUBIE.
WHAT, WE'RE SELLING CHAIRS?
NO, HON. IT'S A SALON CHAIR.
WE PUT UP A SIGN,
TAKE A FEW PICTURES.
ANYBODY ASKS,
IT WAS A FAILED HOME BUSINESS.
DEDUCTION CITY.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FUNNY
STORY ABOUT HOW I GOT THAT CHAIR.
HEARD IT! HEARD IT!
I GOT YOUR SIGN, SALLY.
GREAT! IT LOOKS
LIKE A REAL BUSINESS.
YOU PUT IT UP OUTSIDE, OK?
OK, EVERYBODY, I'VE GOT IT.
I PLAYED WITH THE NUMBERS A BIT,
ENTERED A FEW HARMLESS
CLERICAL MISTAKES, AND GUESS WHAT.
THE GOVERNMENT NOW OWES US
$375,000!
OH, YEAH!
Tommy: WHO NEEDS ED McMAHON?
WE'VE GOT UNCLE SAM!
THIS IS REALLY WORKING
OUT GREAT FOR US.
IF WE KEEP DOING
OUR TAXES LIKE THIS,
IN A FEW YEARS,
WE'LL BE MILLIONAIRES.
YOU KNOW, I ONCE
HAD A MILLIONAIRE...
HEARD IT! HEARD IT! HEARD IT!
EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS SALLY'S ACTUAL SALON?
UH, YEAH.
WELL, GOOD! I COULD
REALLY USE A CUT.
OH, OK, I GUESS. SURE.
Mary: GO ON. GIVE IT TO HIM.
WHY SHOULD I?
WELL, YOU'RE MY ASSISTANT.
NOW GIVE IT TO HIM.
YOU GIVE IT TO HIM.
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH HIM.
WELL, YOU CAN SLEEP WITH HIM.
YOU'RE NUTS. I'M
NOT GONNA DO IT.
NO, JUST GIVE IT! JUST GIVE...
CAN I PLAY?
UNLESS THE RULES
ARE VERY COMPLICATED.
THEN I'LL JUST SIT IT OUT.
YOU GOT A LETTER.
REALLY?
FROM THE I.R.S.
OH, GREAT!
IT'S PROBABLY MY CHECK.
I TOOK A SECOND
PASS ON MY RETURN,
AND IT TURNS OUT I
DON'T OWE ANYTHING.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A CHECK.
IT CAN'T BE A BIRTHDAY CARD.
MY BIRTHDAY ISN'T
FOR MONTHS, AND...
"NOTICE OF AUDIT"?
WHAT'S AN AUDIT?
OH, BOY.
AN AUDIT.
YOU ARE SO SCREWED.
MARY, SHE'S SCARING ME.
DICK, SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK.
CAN'T IT WAIT TILL
AFTER MY AUDIT?
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.
YOU JUST HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH.
IT'S NOT AS IF YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO HIDE, RIGHT?
HIDE? NO. I HAVE NOTHING
TO HIDE. WHY WOULD I HIDE?
THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE THEY'RE
GONNA BE ALL OVER YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA DIG INTO
EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.
FIND OUT EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
EVERYTHING?
THEY CAN BE PRETTY BRUTAL.
OH... THAT'S INTERESTING.
N-NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I... I... I HAVE TO,
UH, NNNNNNNN...
YAAH!
OK, NELLIE,
WHAT WE'RE GONNA
DO IS WE'RE JUST GONNA
GIVE YOU A LITTLE BANGS
TO COVER UP THESE
TINY LITTLE WORRY LINES.
THEN WE'RE GONNA EVENTUALLY
GRADUATE THE SIDES IN LIKE THAT.
HOW'S THAT SOUND TO YA?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, TRUST US, DARLING.
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO
GIVE YOU A LITTLE SHAPE.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE A LOVELY
NECK HERE AND NO ONE CAN SEE IT.
OK, LET'S GET YOU WASHED.
MR. HARRY!
OK, HOLD ON, DOLL.
I ONLY GOT 2 HANDS.
COME ON.
THAT'S THE STUFF.
THERE YOU GO.
FAMILY MEETING!
FAMILY MEETING!
WHO IS THIS?
OH, THAT'S MY 4:00.
YOU CAN GO SIT IN
THE CHAIR, HON. TOMMY.
WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME MINERAL WATER
WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO RUN ALONG, DEAR?
UM, WHERE SHOULD I GO...
GET OUT!
OK, LISTEN UP.
I'VE GOT HORRIBLE NEWS.
WE'RE BEING
AUDITED BY THE I.R.S.
WHAT? DOES THAT MEAN
WE DON'T GET THE $375,000?
IT'S WORSE. AGENTS
OF THE GOVERNMENT
ARE GONNA GO THROUGH OUR
LIVES WITH A FINE-TOOTH COMB.
EVERY DETAIL OF OUR PAST
EXAMINED UNDER A MICROSCOPE,
FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS!
SO? WE'VE ONLY BEEN
ON THE PLANET FOR 3.
THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM.
THE MORE THEY
PROBE INTO OUR PAST,
THE MORE THEY'LL FIND
OUT WE DON'T HAVE ONE!
BECAUSE WE'RE ALIENS.
THAT IS THE CONCLUSION
THEY WILL DRAW.
[EXASPERATED MUTTERING]
NOW, WE'VE ALL GOT TO
HAVE DETAILED EXPLANATIONS
FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS: WHERE
WE'VE BEEN, WHAT WE'VE DONE,
AND THE DOCUMENTATION
TO PROVE IT.
OH, I DID THAT,
LIKE 3 YEARS AGO.
YOU DID?
YEAH. COMPLETE AND AIRTIGHT.
I GAVE THEM TO YOU GUYS.
WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THEM?
[ALL MAKING EXCUSES AT ONCE]
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOTHER!
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO GO AND DO IT AGAIN.
WE NEED FOOLPROOF BACKGROUNDS
BY TOMORROW. NOW GET CRACKING!
OH, AND, SALLY? BUMP YOUR 4:00.
I'M NOT GONNA BATTLE FACELESS
AND HOSTILE GOVERNMENT FORCES
WITH THIS UNSIGHTLY
FUZZ ON MY NECK.
OH, HELLO, MARY.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
HOW LONG I'VE KNOWN YOU.
10 LONG YEARS.
IT'S MORE LIKE 3 YEARS.
WELL, THEN YOU'D BE
COMFORTABLE SAYING
7 LONG YEARS.
NO, IT'S 3 YEARS, DICK.
SO I CAN SAFELY QUOTE YOU
AS SAYING THAT YOU'VE KNOWN ME
FOR 6 GOOD,
VERIFIABLE YEARS, THEN?
3.
FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT YOU ARE QUITE FAMILIAR
WITH WHAT I WAS DOING
IN THE 3 YEARS PRIOR TO THAT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE
BEFORE YOU STARTED WORKING HERE.
YOU HEM, YOU HAW, YOU
RUSH IN, YOU RUSH OUT.
OH, LET'S NOT FORGET THE
SPONTANEOUS LARYNGITIS.
THAT WAS GOING AROUND.
HOW ABOUT THE TRUTH, DICK?
TOMMY'S COMING UP WITH
THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW,
BUT IN THE MEANTIME...
I'M GOING TO NEED
YOU TO PLAY BALL.
OH, NO. YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DRAG ME INTO THIS.
DRAG YOU INTO THIS? THIS
WHOLE THING IS YOUR FAULT!
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I NEVER
WOULD HAVE FILED MY DAMN TAX RETURN
IN THE FIRST PLACE!
WELL, IF YOU HADN'T
FUDGED WITH MY NUMBERS,
YOU WOULDN'T BE
IN THIS SITUATION.
JUST REMEMBER THIS. IF I GO
DOWN, YOU'RE COMING DOWN WITH ME!
I HOPE YOU BURN IN
HELL, MARY ALBRIGHT!
OK, THAT LAST BIT
WAS A LITTLE HARSH.
BUT IT'S BEEN BUILDING
UP FOR 8 LONG YEARS.
3.
DAMN!
HOW'S THAT FEEL?
OH... OH, THAT'S HOT.
GOOD. GOOD, GOOD.
NO!
IT IS THE TRUTH,
I AM TELLING YOU.
OH, I'VE GOT ANOTHER
CLIENT... TOP-SECRET...
I CANNOT TELL YOU WHO IT IS.
BUT SHE'S HAD HER
NOSE DONE 3 TIMES,
AND SHE'S STILL NOT HAPPY.
IS IT MAGGIE WRIGHT?
YEAH.
BUT I TOLD HER,
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I THINK SHE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH.
OHH! YOU!
HARRY, SALLY, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
OH, SORRY, HON, WE'RE
COMPLETELY BOOKED.
YEAH. MAYBE WE CAN FIT
YOU IN TOMORROW AROUND...
NOW!
NOW!
OK. I GOT YOUR NEW
BIOGRAPHIES DONE.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE THEM
MEMORIZED BY TOMORROW.
ALL RIGHT, SALLY.
FROM 1992 TO 1994 YOU
WERE AN UNPAID DOCENT
AT THE MUSEUM OF
CHIPPEWA HERITAGE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
IN A COMA?
MM...
NO, NO, NO, NO, MISS
THING. I DON'T THINK SO.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I JUST SPENT 2 DAYS
DOCUMENTING AND
FALSIFYING THESE COVERS,
BUT YOU GO IN THERE TOMORROW
AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT!
IT'S YOUR ALIEN AUTOPSY, OK?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S FOCUS
AND GO OVER IT ONCE AGAIN.
BEFORE WE MOVED
HERE ON JANUARY 9, 1996,
WHERE DID WE LIVE... SALLY?
2740 VERNON PLACE,
STEWART, FLORIDA, SIR!
AND FLORIDA WOULD
BE ON WHAT, NEPTUNE?
NO! EARTH, SIR!
THAT'S GOOD.
AND DURING OUR TIME IN FLORIDA,
WAS I EVER GAINFULLY EMPLOYED?
NO, YOU WERE NOT!
SO HOW DID WE LIVE?
BY OUR WITS, SIR!
GOOD.
OH, BY THE WAY, ARE WE
FROM A DISTANT GALAXY? YOU.
NO...
ARE YOU SURE?
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
YES, SIR!
OK.
NOW LET'S GO OVER OUR RETURN.
YOU, YOUNG MAN. HOW COULD
THIS FAMILY HAVE LIVED FOR 3 YEARS
WITH NO VISIBLE INCOME?
HOW MANY CANS?
WE COLLECTED CANS.
123,450 CANS.
AND YOU DIDN'T
REPORT THAT INCOME?
THE INCOME WAS $6,217,
WHICH FALLS WELL BELOW
FEDERAL LIMITS FOR FILING.
YOUR NUMBERS DON'T ADD UP!
WE TURNED IN 30% OF THOSE CANS
IN MICHIGAN WHERE
IT'S 5 CENTS A CAN, SIR!
OH, YEAH?
IN MICHIGAN, EH?
WHERE I WAS IN A COMA!
SIR!
NOW, MR. SOLOMON,
THERE ARE SOME IRREGULARITIES
HERE ON YOUR TAX RETURN.
I MUST SAY, I WAS SURPRISED
BY SOME OF THESE NUMBERS...
WELL, THEN, LET'S GO
OVER THEM, MR. GINDEK.
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.
ME NEITHER.
NOR I.
WE'RE READY TO TALK.
YEAH.
YES.
NOW, HERE ON SCHEDULE E...
SCHEDULE E.
YEAH, I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME
I SAW SCHEDULE E.
IT WAS AROUND 1992.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
OH, YEAH. OH,
INCREDIBLE. WHAT A DAY.
I WAS, UH, RIGHT HERE ON EARTH,
AS CARBON BASED AS THE NEXT GUY.
YOU CLAIM A $16,000...
OH, GOSH!
YOU GUYS REMEMBER
MARCH 20, 1994?
LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
REMEMBER THAT
STEAKHOUSE WE WENT TO?
OHH, YES.
I HAD THE PORTERHOUSE...
NO, NO, NO...
I HAD THE FLANK.
NO, DICK. I HAD THE FLANK.
ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I'M
ALMOST POSITIVE I HAD THE FLANK.
NO, 'CAUSE I ALWAYS
GET THE FLANK.
[ARGUING]
MAYBE YOU BOTH HAD THE FLANK!
YES.
THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST...
2 PEOPLE HAVING THE FLANK.
THERE'S CERTAINLY NOTHING...
ALIEN ABOUT IT.
HA HA HA HA!
THE... HE...
HA HA HA HA!
I'VE JUST... GOT TO GRAB
SOMETHING OFF THE PRINTER.
OH, MY GOD! DO YOU
THINK HE KNOWS?
HE DEFINITELY KNOWS!
IT WAS YOU WITH THE FLANK STEAK!
THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
WHEN HE COMES BACK
IN, I BREAK HIS NECK.
THEN WE MAKE OUR ESCAPE,
AND I SNAP EVERYONE'S NECK
FROM HERE TILL WE GET HOME.
THERE'S NO WAY THEY'LL CATCH US!
LET'S CALL THAT PLAN B.
QUICK, LET'S BUY SOME TIME
BY BARRICADING THE DOOR.
JUST PUSH THE DESK
OVER AGAINST THE DOOR.
THAT'S RIGHT. PUSH IT.
I CAN'T SEE HIM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
UH...
IT...
IT JUST... IT JUST
SLID RIGHT OVER.
DO YOUR REALIZE THIS
WHOLE FLOOR IS SLANTED?
LOOK, I THINK I SEE WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,
AND... FRANKLY, IT'S
NOT GOING TO WORK.
ALL RIGHT!
IT'S TIME TO COME CLEAN.
THE REASON WHY WE HAVEN'T
BEEN FILING RETURNS IS...
WE WERE KIDNAPPED.
THAT'S RIGHT!
YEAH! YEAH!
AND THEY SAID IF
WE FILED OUR TAXES...
THEY'D KILL US!
OH, REALLY?
NO!
UH, NO.
TO BE HONEST, WE WERE IN THE
WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM,
AND THEY WERE VERY BAD
ABOUT FORWARDING OUR MAIL.
I DON'T THINK SO.
OK. HOW ABOUT THIS?
WE'VE SPEND THE LAST 4 YEARS
LIVING IN THE CANADIAN
ROCKIES WITH A PACK OF WOLVES!
A PACK OF WOLVES.
YES. I WAS THE ALPHA DOG.
MR. SOLOMON, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST COOPERATE?
YOU'RE ONLY MAKING
THINGS HARDER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE CAUGHT US.
WE ARE ALIENS.
WE CAME HERE FROM A
BARRED SPIRAL GALAXY...
IN THE CEPHEUS DRACO
BORDER TERRITORY...
IN ORDER TO STUDY YOUR SPECIES.
I ONLY ASK THAT YOU TAKE INTO
ACCOUNT OUR GOOD INTENTIONS
BEFORE YOU CALL
IN YOUR SCIENTISTS...
TO DISSECT US.
SORRY, FOLKS. I'VE HEARD
THAT ONE BEFORE, TOO.
MR. SOLOMON, YOU OWE
$16,143 IN BACK TAXES.
YAY! YES! YES!
MR. GINDEK! AAH! MR. GINDEK!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
WELL, WE STILL
HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.
COULD YOU IMAGINE
A REAL HUMAN BEING
AFRAID OF A TAX AUDIT?
HA HA! I KNOW.
ALTHOUGH I DO FEEL
A LITTLE MORE HUMAN
NOW THAT WE'VE BEEN
REAMED BY THE I.R.S.
I THINK "REAMED" IS
AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
YEAH. WE'RE PAYING TAXES FOR
YEARS WE WEREN'T EVEN ON THE PLANET.
YEAH, WELL, LUCKILY,
MY BUSINESS IS BOOMING.
HEY, MR. HARRY, HOW MANY
APPOINTMENTS FOR TOMORROW?
LET'S SEE. UH...
NONE.
WHAT?!
IN ALL FAIRNESS, SALLY,
YOU HAVE TERRIBLE HAIRCUTS.
OH, RIGHT. I FORGOT.
HEY, BY THE WAY,
DID YOU GUYS SEE DUBCEK'S FACE
WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THE DRYER?
ERRR! IS THIS WHAT I PAID FOR?
SALLY, I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D
GONE TO BEAUTY SCHOOL.
OH, SURE.
BACK IN '92...
REMEMBER '92, TOMMY?
SURE. 1992. THE YEAR WE DANCED
TO THE MUSIC OF VANILLA ICE,
AND SCENT OF A WOMAN
INTRODUCED AMERICA
TO A YOUNG HEARTTHROB
NAMED CHRIS O'DONNELL.
OH, HOW'S THAT FEEL? OW!
IT HURT.
OH, GOOD. GOOD.
OW! OW! OW!
OH, MARY, THANK GOD.
I WANTED TO SHOW YOU THAT
IF YOU MIX UP THE LETTERS
IN YOUR LAST NAME,
IT SPELLS "LAB RIGHT."
OK.
BUT WHAT WAS THE EMERGENCY
THAT COULDN'T WAIT
ANOTHER SECOND,
THAT MADE ME GET OFF THE
PHONE WITH THE CHANCELLOR?
"LAB RIGHT."
DICK, LOOK. SOMETHING
WEIRD IS GOING ON AT WORK.
DOUG'S GONNA MAKE ME PAY TAXES.
EVERYONE PAYS TAXES, HARRY.
IT IS OUR DUTY,
NAY, OUR PRIVILEGE
TO PAY TAXES WHEN
WE PURCHASE GOODS,
SUCH AS CHOCOLATES AND COMBS.
THAT'S VERY NOBLE OF
YOU, DICK, IN FEBRUARY.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU SAY IN APRIL
WHEN YOU HAVE TO FILE YOUR RETURN.
MY RETURN?
YOUR TAX RETURN.
OH. MY TAX RETURN.
THE ONE YOU FILE EVERY YEAR.
OH, THAT. YES.
WELL, NINA DOES ALL MY FILING.
UH, NINA!
WHAT?
UH, BRING ME MY RETURN.
YOUR RETURN?
MY RETURN. MY RETURN.
YOU SEE WHAT I
HAVE TO DEAL WITH?
MY RETURN!
ALL RIGHT. FORM 1040.
FIRST NAME: DICK.
LAST NAME: SOLOMON.
AND MARY SAID THIS
WOULD BE COMPLICATED.
DICK, THIS IS SO BORING.
WHY ARE WE DOING IT?
BECAUSE, SALLY, THIS
IS WHAT HUMANS DO.
IT'S LIKE THEIR
NATIONAL PASTIME.
AND YOU DON'T WANT
US TO STAND OUT.
HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE FUNNY?
WHERE IT SAYS SEX,
WRITE "FREQUENTLY."
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, HARRY!
THAT IS FUNNY.
THEY DON'T ASK
FOR YOUR SEX HERE.
WELL, IF THERE'S
ANYPLACE YOU CAN INDICATE
THAT YOU LIKE TO HAVE FREQUENT
SEX, I THINK IT'S WORTH DOING.
"FARM INCOME OR LOSS."
SO DID OUR FARM SHOW
A PROFIT LAST YEAR?
NO. WHERE IS SCHEDULE F?
WAIT, WAIT. WE DIDN'T
HAVE A FARM LAST YEAR.
WE LOST THE FARM!
NO!
LINE 14. "OTHER
GAINS OR LOSSES."
I GAINED 2 POUNDS.
I LOST MY VIRGINITY.
HEY.
THERE'S YOUR OPPORTUNITY
FOR THAT FREQUENT SEX
THING GOING TO THROW IN.
"ENTER ITEMIZED DEDUCTIONS
FROM PAGE 3, SCHEDULE C, LINE 2,
TO THE EXTENT THEY ARE ALLOWABLE
ON SCHEDULE A, FORM 1040-NR."
"ENTER THE LARGER OF
YOUR ITEMIZED DEDUCTIONS
FROM LINE 28 OR STANDARD
DEDUCTION SHOWN ON THE LEFT."
MY LEFT OR ITS LEFT?
"SEE PAGE 30 TO FIND
YOUR STANDARD DEDUCTION
"IF YOU CHECKED ANY
BOX ON LINE 35-A OR 35-B
OR IF SOMEONE CAN CLAIM
YOU AS A DEPENDENT."
I'M TELLING YOU, THERE
IS NO SCHEDULE P!
THERE HAS TO BE, DAMN IT!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!
I'M A SUPERIOR BEING.
I CAN CALCULATE THE
DECAYING ORBIT OF A DYING MOON
TO WITHIN 1/10 OF AN INCH.
WHY CAN'T I CALCULATE
THE SUBTOTAL OF LINE 59-A?
WHY CAN'T I FIND LINE 59-A?
WHERE THE HELL IS LINE 59-A?!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
I HATE IT! I HATE IT!
OH, HERE IT IS.
EVERYBODY JUST SETTLE DOWN.
OK, YOU ADD LINES 41 THROUGH 47.
OH, YES, MARY.
YOU ARE THE SEXIEST
ACCOUNTANT IN TOWN.
YEAH.
JUST A MINUTE, DICK.
I'M NOT QUITE DONE.
OH, THAT'S IT MARY.
CRUNCH THOSE NUMBERS.
CRUNCH 'EM GOOD.
SO YOU SUBTRACT LINE 64
FROM 56...
YES. NOW DEDUCT MY PANTS.
DICK, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
WANT TO KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO LOSE YOUR SHIRT.
AND SO ARE YOU.
YOU OWE $9,500!
WHAT?!
YOU BITCH!
YOU DIDN'T PAY ANY TAXES.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
WELL, I CERTAINLY DIDN'T
EXPECT MY GIRLFRIEND
TO WEAR MY ASS AS A SNOWSHOE!
$9,500?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU GUYS, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
LOOK AT ALL THESE RECEIPTS
FROM ALL THESE MEALS.
IF WE'D ONLY TALKED ABOUT
BUSINESS DURING SOME OF THEM,
WE COULD WRITE OFF ALL
THIS MONEY AS DEDUCTIONS.
WHO SAYS WE DIDN'T...
TALK ABOUT BUSINESS?
YES.
'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON
WE EVER GO OUT TO
EAT, ANYWAY, RIGHT,
IS TO TALK...
ABOUT... BUSINESS.
BUSINESS.
OK, I MUST TUNE OUT,
BECAUSE I NEVER HEAR US
TALKING ABOUT BUSINESS.
YES.
WE CAN LIE
ON OUR TAXES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NO HUMAN
HAS EVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE.
OK, WAIT A SECOND, YOU
GUYS. WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
HOW CAN WE GET CAUGHT?
ALL THOSE OTHER DOPES OUT THERE
ARE TELLING THE TRUTH
ABOUT THEIR TAXES.
THEY'RE JUST GOING
TO ASSUME THAT...
WE ARE, TOO.
HEY, CHECK THIS OUT.
YOU CAN GET A DEDUCTION
FOR HAVING A HOME BUSINESS.
REALLY?
THEN IT'S A GOOD THING
THAT YOU RUN ONE HERE, SALLY.
YES, DICK,
IT SURE IS.
IS THIS THE BUSINESS
THAT I NEVER HEAR YOU
GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
OH, AND LOOK AT THIS.
HERE'S A RECEIPT FOR $14.99.
OR IS IT...
$114.99?
OR IS IT...
$1,114.99?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. YOU
THINK THEY'LL BUY THAT?
I MEAN, THAT'S A LOT OF
MONEY. FOR A PENCIL SHARPENER.
SIMPLE.
WE JUST CROSS OUT
"PENCIL SHARPENER"...
AND WRITE IN...
"AIRPLANE."
IT'S BRILLIANT!
WELL...
HERE IS OUR HOME BUSINESS.
THANKS, DUBIE.
WHAT, WE'RE SELLING CHAIRS?
NO, HON. IT'S A SALON CHAIR.
WE PUT UP A SIGN,
TAKE A FEW PICTURES.
ANYBODY ASKS,
IT WAS A FAILED HOME BUSINESS.
DEDUCTION CITY.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FUNNY
STORY ABOUT HOW I GOT THAT CHAIR.
HEARD IT! HEARD IT!
I GOT YOUR SIGN, SALLY.
GREAT! IT LOOKS
LIKE A REAL BUSINESS.
YOU PUT IT UP OUTSIDE, OK?
OK, EVERYBODY, I'VE GOT IT.
I PLAYED WITH THE NUMBERS A BIT,
ENTERED A FEW HARMLESS
CLERICAL MISTAKES, AND GUESS WHAT.
THE GOVERNMENT NOW OWES US
$375,000!
OH, YEAH!
Tommy: WHO NEEDS ED McMAHON?
WE'VE GOT UNCLE SAM!
THIS IS REALLY WORKING
OUT GREAT FOR US.
IF WE KEEP DOING
OUR TAXES LIKE THIS,
IN A FEW YEARS,
WE'LL BE MILLIONAIRES.
YOU KNOW, I ONCE
HAD A MILLIONAIRE...
HEARD IT! HEARD IT! HEARD IT!
EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS SALLY'S ACTUAL SALON?
UH, YEAH.
WELL, GOOD! I COULD
REALLY USE A CUT.
OH, OK, I GUESS. SURE.
Mary: GO ON. GIVE IT TO HIM.
WHY SHOULD I?
WELL, YOU'RE MY ASSISTANT.
NOW GIVE IT TO HIM.
YOU GIVE IT TO HIM.
YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH HIM.
WELL, YOU CAN SLEEP WITH HIM.
YOU'RE NUTS. I'M
NOT GONNA DO IT.
NO, JUST GIVE IT! JUST GIVE...
CAN I PLAY?
UNLESS THE RULES
ARE VERY COMPLICATED.
THEN I'LL JUST SIT IT OUT.
YOU GOT A LETTER.
REALLY?
FROM THE I.R.S.
OH, GREAT!
IT'S PROBABLY MY CHECK.
I TOOK A SECOND
PASS ON MY RETURN,
AND IT TURNS OUT I
DON'T OWE ANYTHING.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A CHECK.
IT CAN'T BE A BIRTHDAY CARD.
MY BIRTHDAY ISN'T
FOR MONTHS, AND...
"NOTICE OF AUDIT"?
WHAT'S AN AUDIT?
OH, BOY.
AN AUDIT.
YOU ARE SO SCREWED.
MARY, SHE'S SCARING ME.
DICK, SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK.
CAN'T IT WAIT TILL
AFTER MY AUDIT?
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.
YOU JUST HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH.
IT'S NOT AS IF YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO HIDE, RIGHT?
HIDE? NO. I HAVE NOTHING
TO HIDE. WHY WOULD I HIDE?
THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE THEY'RE
GONNA BE ALL OVER YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA DIG INTO
EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.
FIND OUT EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
EVERYTHING?
THEY CAN BE PRETTY BRUTAL.
OH... THAT'S INTERESTING.
N-NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I... I... I HAVE TO,
UH, NNNNNNNN...
YAAH!
OK, NELLIE,
WHAT WE'RE GONNA
DO IS WE'RE JUST GONNA
GIVE YOU A LITTLE BANGS
TO COVER UP THESE
TINY LITTLE WORRY LINES.
THEN WE'RE GONNA EVENTUALLY
GRADUATE THE SIDES IN LIKE THAT.
HOW'S THAT SOUND TO YA?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, TRUST US, DARLING.
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO
GIVE YOU A LITTLE SHAPE.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE A LOVELY
NECK HERE AND NO ONE CAN SEE IT.
OK, LET'S GET YOU WASHED.
MR. HARRY!
OK, HOLD ON, DOLL.
I ONLY GOT 2 HANDS.
COME ON.
THAT'S THE STUFF.
THERE YOU GO.
FAMILY MEETING!
FAMILY MEETING!
WHO IS THIS?
OH, THAT'S MY 4:00.
YOU CAN GO SIT IN
THE CHAIR, HON. TOMMY.
WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME MINERAL WATER
WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO RUN ALONG, DEAR?
UM, WHERE SHOULD I GO...
GET OUT!
OK, LISTEN UP.
I'VE GOT HORRIBLE NEWS.
WE'RE BEING
AUDITED BY THE I.R.S.
WHAT? DOES THAT MEAN
WE DON'T GET THE $375,000?
IT'S WORSE. AGENTS
OF THE GOVERNMENT
ARE GONNA GO THROUGH OUR
LIVES WITH A FINE-TOOTH COMB.
EVERY DETAIL OF OUR PAST
EXAMINED UNDER A MICROSCOPE,
FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS!
SO? WE'VE ONLY BEEN
ON THE PLANET FOR 3.
THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM.
THE MORE THEY
PROBE INTO OUR PAST,
THE MORE THEY'LL FIND
OUT WE DON'T HAVE ONE!
BECAUSE WE'RE ALIENS.
THAT IS THE CONCLUSION
THEY WILL DRAW.
[EXASPERATED MUTTERING]
NOW, WE'VE ALL GOT TO
HAVE DETAILED EXPLANATIONS
FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS: WHERE
WE'VE BEEN, WHAT WE'VE DONE,
AND THE DOCUMENTATION
TO PROVE IT.
OH, I DID THAT,
LIKE 3 YEARS AGO.
YOU DID?
YEAH. COMPLETE AND AIRTIGHT.
I GAVE THEM TO YOU GUYS.
WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THEM?
[ALL MAKING EXCUSES AT ONCE]
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOTHER!
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO GO AND DO IT AGAIN.
WE NEED FOOLPROOF BACKGROUNDS
BY TOMORROW. NOW GET CRACKING!
OH, AND, SALLY? BUMP YOUR 4:00.
I'M NOT GONNA BATTLE FACELESS
AND HOSTILE GOVERNMENT FORCES
WITH THIS UNSIGHTLY
FUZZ ON MY NECK.
OH, HELLO, MARY.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
HOW LONG I'VE KNOWN YOU.
10 LONG YEARS.
IT'S MORE LIKE 3 YEARS.
WELL, THEN YOU'D BE
COMFORTABLE SAYING
7 LONG YEARS.
NO, IT'S 3 YEARS, DICK.
SO I CAN SAFELY QUOTE YOU
AS SAYING THAT YOU'VE KNOWN ME
FOR 6 GOOD,
VERIFIABLE YEARS, THEN?
3.
FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT YOU ARE QUITE FAMILIAR
WITH WHAT I WAS DOING
IN THE 3 YEARS PRIOR TO THAT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE
BEFORE YOU STARTED WORKING HERE.
YOU HEM, YOU HAW, YOU
RUSH IN, YOU RUSH OUT.
OH, LET'S NOT FORGET THE
SPONTANEOUS LARYNGITIS.
THAT WAS GOING AROUND.
HOW ABOUT THE TRUTH, DICK?
TOMMY'S COMING UP WITH
THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW,
BUT IN THE MEANTIME...
I'M GOING TO NEED
YOU TO PLAY BALL.
OH, NO. YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DRAG ME INTO THIS.
DRAG YOU INTO THIS? THIS
WHOLE THING IS YOUR FAULT!
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I NEVER
WOULD HAVE FILED MY DAMN TAX RETURN
IN THE FIRST PLACE!
WELL, IF YOU HADN'T
FUDGED WITH MY NUMBERS,
YOU WOULDN'T BE
IN THIS SITUATION.
JUST REMEMBER THIS. IF I GO
DOWN, YOU'RE COMING DOWN WITH ME!
I HOPE YOU BURN IN
HELL, MARY ALBRIGHT!
OK, THAT LAST BIT
WAS A LITTLE HARSH.
BUT IT'S BEEN BUILDING
UP FOR 8 LONG YEARS.
3.
DAMN!
HOW'S THAT FEEL?
OH... OH, THAT'S HOT.
GOOD. GOOD, GOOD.
NO!
IT IS THE TRUTH,
I AM TELLING YOU.
OH, I'VE GOT ANOTHER
CLIENT... TOP-SECRET...
I CANNOT TELL YOU WHO IT IS.
BUT SHE'S HAD HER
NOSE DONE 3 TIMES,
AND SHE'S STILL NOT HAPPY.
IS IT MAGGIE WRIGHT?
YEAH.
BUT I TOLD HER,
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I THINK SHE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH.
OHH! YOU!
HARRY, SALLY, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
OH, SORRY, HON, WE'RE
COMPLETELY BOOKED.
YEAH. MAYBE WE CAN FIT
YOU IN TOMORROW AROUND...
NOW!
NOW!
OK. I GOT YOUR NEW
BIOGRAPHIES DONE.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE THEM
MEMORIZED BY TOMORROW.
ALL RIGHT, SALLY.
FROM 1992 TO 1994 YOU
WERE AN UNPAID DOCENT
AT THE MUSEUM OF
CHIPPEWA HERITAGE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
IN A COMA?
MM...
NO, NO, NO, NO, MISS
THING. I DON'T THINK SO.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I JUST SPENT 2 DAYS
DOCUMENTING AND
FALSIFYING THESE COVERS,
BUT YOU GO IN THERE TOMORROW
AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT!
IT'S YOUR ALIEN AUTOPSY, OK?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S FOCUS
AND GO OVER IT ONCE AGAIN.
BEFORE WE MOVED
HERE ON JANUARY 9, 1996,
WHERE DID WE LIVE... SALLY?
2740 VERNON PLACE,
STEWART, FLORIDA, SIR!
AND FLORIDA WOULD
BE ON WHAT, NEPTUNE?
NO! EARTH, SIR!
THAT'S GOOD.
AND DURING OUR TIME IN FLORIDA,
WAS I EVER GAINFULLY EMPLOYED?
NO, YOU WERE NOT!
SO HOW DID WE LIVE?
BY OUR WITS, SIR!
GOOD.
OH, BY THE WAY, ARE WE
FROM A DISTANT GALAXY? YOU.
NO...
ARE YOU SURE?
[MOUTHING SILENTLY]
YES, SIR!
OK.
NOW LET'S GO OVER OUR RETURN.
YOU, YOUNG MAN. HOW COULD
THIS FAMILY HAVE LIVED FOR 3 YEARS
WITH NO VISIBLE INCOME?
HOW MANY CANS?
WE COLLECTED CANS.
123,450 CANS.
AND YOU DIDN'T
REPORT THAT INCOME?
THE INCOME WAS $6,217,
WHICH FALLS WELL BELOW
FEDERAL LIMITS FOR FILING.
YOUR NUMBERS DON'T ADD UP!
WE TURNED IN 30% OF THOSE CANS
IN MICHIGAN WHERE
IT'S 5 CENTS A CAN, SIR!
OH, YEAH?
IN MICHIGAN, EH?
WHERE I WAS IN A COMA!
SIR!
NOW, MR. SOLOMON,
THERE ARE SOME IRREGULARITIES
HERE ON YOUR TAX RETURN.
I MUST SAY, I WAS SURPRISED
BY SOME OF THESE NUMBERS...
WELL, THEN, LET'S GO
OVER THEM, MR. GINDEK.
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.
ME NEITHER.
NOR I.
WE'RE READY TO TALK.
YEAH.
YES.
NOW, HERE ON SCHEDULE E...
SCHEDULE E.
YEAH, I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME
I SAW SCHEDULE E.
IT WAS AROUND 1992.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
OH, YEAH. OH,
INCREDIBLE. WHAT A DAY.
I WAS, UH, RIGHT HERE ON EARTH,
AS CARBON BASED AS THE NEXT GUY.
YOU CLAIM A $16,000...
OH, GOSH!
YOU GUYS REMEMBER
MARCH 20, 1994?
LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
REMEMBER THAT
STEAKHOUSE WE WENT TO?
OHH, YES.
I HAD THE PORTERHOUSE...
NO, NO, NO...
I HAD THE FLANK.
NO, DICK. I HAD THE FLANK.
ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE I'M
ALMOST POSITIVE I HAD THE FLANK.
NO, 'CAUSE I ALWAYS
GET THE FLANK.
[ARGUING]
MAYBE YOU BOTH HAD THE FLANK!
YES.
THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST...
2 PEOPLE HAVING THE FLANK.
THERE'S CERTAINLY NOTHING...
ALIEN ABOUT IT.
HA HA HA HA!
THE... HE...
HA HA HA HA!
I'VE JUST... GOT TO GRAB
SOMETHING OFF THE PRINTER.
OH, MY GOD! DO YOU
THINK HE KNOWS?
HE DEFINITELY KNOWS!
IT WAS YOU WITH THE FLANK STEAK!
THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
WHEN HE COMES BACK
IN, I BREAK HIS NECK.
THEN WE MAKE OUR ESCAPE,
AND I SNAP EVERYONE'S NECK
FROM HERE TILL WE GET HOME.
THERE'S NO WAY THEY'LL CATCH US!
LET'S CALL THAT PLAN B.
QUICK, LET'S BUY SOME TIME
BY BARRICADING THE DOOR.
JUST PUSH THE DESK
OVER AGAINST THE DOOR.
THAT'S RIGHT. PUSH IT.
I CAN'T SEE HIM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
UH...
IT...
IT JUST... IT JUST
SLID RIGHT OVER.
DO YOUR REALIZE THIS
WHOLE FLOOR IS SLANTED?
LOOK, I THINK I SEE WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,
AND... FRANKLY, IT'S
NOT GOING TO WORK.
ALL RIGHT!
IT'S TIME TO COME CLEAN.
THE REASON WHY WE HAVEN'T
BEEN FILING RETURNS IS...
WE WERE KIDNAPPED.
THAT'S RIGHT!
YEAH! YEAH!
AND THEY SAID IF
WE FILED OUR TAXES...
THEY'D KILL US!
OH, REALLY?
NO!
UH, NO.
TO BE HONEST, WE WERE IN THE
WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM,
AND THEY WERE VERY BAD
ABOUT FORWARDING OUR MAIL.
I DON'T THINK SO.
OK. HOW ABOUT THIS?
WE'VE SPEND THE LAST 4 YEARS
LIVING IN THE CANADIAN
ROCKIES WITH A PACK OF WOLVES!
A PACK OF WOLVES.
YES. I WAS THE ALPHA DOG.
MR. SOLOMON, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST COOPERATE?
YOU'RE ONLY MAKING
THINGS HARDER.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE CAUGHT US.
WE ARE ALIENS.
WE CAME HERE FROM A
BARRED SPIRAL GALAXY...
IN THE CEPHEUS DRACO
BORDER TERRITORY...
IN ORDER TO STUDY YOUR SPECIES.
I ONLY ASK THAT YOU TAKE INTO
ACCOUNT OUR GOOD INTENTIONS
BEFORE YOU CALL
IN YOUR SCIENTISTS...
TO DISSECT US.
SORRY, FOLKS. I'VE HEARD
THAT ONE BEFORE, TOO.
MR. SOLOMON, YOU OWE
$16,143 IN BACK TAXES.
YAY! YES! YES!
MR. GINDEK! AAH! MR. GINDEK!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
WELL, WE STILL
HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.
COULD YOU IMAGINE
A REAL HUMAN BEING
AFRAID OF A TAX AUDIT?
HA HA! I KNOW.
ALTHOUGH I DO FEEL
A LITTLE MORE HUMAN
NOW THAT WE'VE BEEN
REAMED BY THE I.R.S.
I THINK "REAMED" IS
AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
YEAH. WE'RE PAYING TAXES FOR
YEARS WE WEREN'T EVEN ON THE PLANET.
YEAH, WELL, LUCKILY,
MY BUSINESS IS BOOMING.
HEY, MR. HARRY, HOW MANY
APPOINTMENTS FOR TOMORROW?
LET'S SEE. UH...
NONE.
WHAT?!
IN ALL FAIRNESS, SALLY,
YOU HAVE TERRIBLE HAIRCUTS.
OH, RIGHT. I FORGOT.
HEY, BY THE WAY,
DID YOU GUYS SEE DUBCEK'S FACE
WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THE DRYER?
ERRR! IS THIS WHAT I PAID FOR?
SALLY, I HAD NO IDEA YOU'D
GONE TO BEAUTY SCHOOL.
OH, SURE.
BACK IN '92...
REMEMBER '92, TOMMY?
SURE. 1992. THE YEAR WE DANCED
TO THE MUSIC OF VANILLA ICE,
AND SCENT OF A WOMAN
INTRODUCED AMERICA
TO A YOUNG HEARTTHROB
NAMED CHRIS O'DONNELL.
OH, HOW'S THAT FEEL? OW!
IT HURT.
OH, GOOD. GOOD.
OW! OW! OW!