3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 4, Episode 11 - Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons - full transcript
Dick receives an invitation for a family reunion. Obviously, the invitation is meant for another Dick Solomon, but, after he finds out the family hasn't seen him in 43 years, Dick decides the Solomons and Mary go anyway. Dick feels it's good for them to have roots. Harry hits it off great with cigar-smoking uncle Abe, Sally feels she's becoming like a sister to cousin Michelle, Tommy tries to hit on cousin Janine and Dick discovers there's a reason the family hasn't seen Dick Solomon in 43 years.
MAIL'S HERE.
AH, THE MAIL.
WHAT WOULD A DAY ON EARTH
BE LIKE WITHOUT THE MAIL?
PROBABLY A LOT LIKE SUNDAY.
AH! HA HA.
"SALLY SOLOMON,
"YOU HAVE BEEN PREAPPROVED
FOR A PLATINUM CREDIT CARD.
ONLY OUR MOST VALUED AND CHERISHED
CUSTOMERS QUALIFY FOR PLATINUM STATUS."
YOU GUYS, I QUALIFY
FOR PLATINUM STATUS!
SO DID I! ME TOO!
HELLO, FAMILY.
HEY, MAIL'S HERE.
AH, THE MAIL.
WHAT WOULD A DAY ON EARTH
BE LIKE WITHOUT THE MAIL?
PROBABLY A LOT LIKE SUNDAY.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
VERY CLEVER. HARRY.
UH, WAIT. I SAID THAT.
OH, REALLY?
HOW SAD.
OH, THIS ONE'S ADDRESSED
TO "MR. RICHARD SOLOMON."
MY, HOW FORMAL.
"DEAREST RICHARD,
"I HOPE WITH ALL OF MY HEART
THAT THIS LETTER FINDS YOU.
"TOO MANY YEARS HAVE GONE
BY. WE MISS YOU GREATLY.
"PLEASE COME TO THE SOLOMON
FAMILY REUNION THIS YEAR.
ALL OF MY LOVE, AUNT FLORENCE."
DICK, YOU NEVER TOLD US
YOU HAD AN AUNT FLORENCE.
HE DOESN'T, YOU MOOK.
THAT LETTER WAS OBVIOUSLY MEANT
FOR SOME OTHER DICK SOLOMON.
WELL, I'LL JUST CALL
UP THIS AUNT FLORENCE
AND SET HER STRAIGHT.
GREAT SCOTT!
I'VE QUALIFIED FOR
PLATINUM STATUS!
YES, HELLO. IS THIS
FLORENCE SOLOMON?
HI, MY NAME IS DICK SOLOMON.
I-I'VE GOT THIS, UH, INVITATION
TO A FAMILY REUNION, AND I...
WELL, YES, IT'S NICE TO
HEAR YOUR VOICE, TOO, BUT...
YES, I AM AS ADORABLE
AS I ALWAYS WAS.
HAS IT REALLY BEEN 43 YEARS?
THEN, IF I DID TURN UP,
YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T
EVEN RECOGNIZE ME, HUH?
THAT'S...
YES, IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO
SEE THE FAMILY AGAIN, AUNT FLORENCE.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
YES...
YES. BYE-BYE.
I HAVE AN AUNT FLORENCE.
WHAT?
WHAT? OH, THAT WAS
AUNT FLORENCE IN INDIANA.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE
AN AUNT FLORENCE IN INDIANA?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE
AN AUNT FLORENCE IN INDIANA?
I DON'T.
SO WHERE'S THE BIG COINCIDENCE?
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,
NINA, YOU MAKE NO SENSE.
ARE YOU GONNA VISIT HER?
WE HAVE A FAMILY
REUNION THIS WEEKEND.
IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE
WONDERFUL. YOU WANNA COME?
ARE YOU SURE IT'S ALL RIGHT?
WELL, OF COURSE IT'S ALL RIGHT.
OH, DICK, IT'S FAMILY, I...
NO, DON'T WORRY, MARY.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND MY FAMILY
TO BE WARM AND NURTURING.
IT WON'T BEAR ANY RESEMBLANCE
TO THE LIQUOR-DRENCHED ORGY
OF HATRED AND RECRIMINATION
THAT MARKS EVERY
ALBRIGHT GET-TOGETHER.
SALLY, WE'RE NOT SPENDING THE
WHOLE WINTER AT THIS REUNION.
BACK OFF, ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT LIKE YOU GUYS.
I CAN'T JUST THROW IN A
TOOTHBRUSH AND A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR
AND BE SET FOR THE WEEKEND.
UNDERWEAR!
WELL, IS EVERYBODY READY
TO GO TO OUR FAMILY REUNION?
DICK, THIS IS NOT OUR FAMILY.
YEAH, WHAT IF THEY
START ASKING QUESTIONS?
YEAH. WELL, THAT'S
THE BEAUTY OF THIS.
AUNT FLORENCE HASN'T SEEN
RICHARD SINCE HE WAS 5 YEARS OLD.
FOR ALL THEY KNOW, I'M HIM.
WELL, AS A TEENAGER,
THE IDEA OF GOING TO A FAMILY
REUNION SICKENS ME TO MY CORE.
TOMMY, UH...
WE'VE BEEN HERE ON
EARTH FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS,
AND WE STILL LACK SOMETHING
THAT'S SO IMPORTANT TO US...
ROOTS. A CONNECTION.
LIFE HERE IS NOT JUST
ABOUT WHERE WE'RE GOING,
IT'S ABOUT WHERE
WE'VE COME FROM.
NOW WE'D BETTER GET ON THE ROAD.
YOU KNOW HOW AUNT FLORENCE
HATES IT WHEN WE'RE LATE.
[DING-DONG]
AUNT FLORENCE?
YES?
IT'S ME. RICHARD.
RICHARD?
OH, MY GOODNESS! IT IS YOU!
ABE! IT'S RICHARD!
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED! HA HA!
HA HA HA! WELL, WELCOME BACK!
AND WHO ARE ALL
THESE LOVELY PEOPLE?
WELL, THIS IS MY SISTER,
YOUR NIECE SALLY.
AND THIS IS MY SON, YOUR
GRANDNEPHEW TOMMY.
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER,
YOUR NEPHEW HARRY.
YAAH! HARRY!
AND THIS LITTLE HOTTIE
IS MY GIRLFRIEND MARY.
NICE TO MEET YOU, FLORENCE.
RICHARD, COME GREET THE FAMILY.
THEY CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM.
UH, WELL, WE BROUGHT YOU THIS.
IT GOES GREAT WITH STEAK.
AT LEAST IT DID LAST NIGHT.
YOU CHEAP BASTARD,
YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN AROUND HERE.
BUNCH OF TIGHTWADS?
TIGHTWADS? DON'T EVEN GET
ME STARTED WITH THIS FAMILY.
COME HERE.
IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, THIS IS SO GREAT.
I JUST OPENED MY ARMS,
AND I'M HUGGED AND KISSED AND
PINCHED BY ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE.
THERE ISN'T EVEN A COVER CHARGE.
WE'RE FAMILY, RICHARD!
FAMILY. IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, IT DOES MY HEART
GOOD TO SEE HIM BACK.
IT'S FUNNY. HE NEVER
MENTIONED ANY OF YOU.
WELL, GIVEN ALL THE TROUBLES,
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
SEE HIM HERE AGAIN.
WHAT TROUBLES?
HI.
HEY.
HEY.
THAT'S A GREAT TOP.
YOU THINK SO?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.
OH, NO, IT'S... IT'S PERFECT.
OH, THANKS. I LIVE
WITH A BUNCH OF MEN,
AND THEY WERE NO HELP AT ALL.
YEAH. HA HA.
HEY, I'M MICHELLE,
MARTHA'S DAUGHTER.
OH, HI, I'M SALLY,
RICHARD'S SISTER.
NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU, TOO.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY SWEATER WOULD GO
SO GREAT WITH THAT TOP.
OH, YOU WANNA TRY IT ON?
SURE.
OH, YEAH. DEFINITELY HIP.
COOL. HA HA.
HEY, YOU WANNA WEAR MY SHOES?
I'VE GOT A PAIR OF SOCKS
I'M NOT USING. I'LL GO GET 'EM.
IT'S, UH, POT ROAST.
OH, WOW. I WAS WAY OFF.
HI. I'M JANINE.
I'M TOMMY.
SO...
[BORED] THIS IS PRETTY FUN, HUH?
OH, YEAH.
HEY? YOU WANNA GET OUTTA HERE?
OH, YEAH. COME ON.
Aunt Sylvia: AUDREY MADE
HER FAMOUS AMBROSIA.
YOU BETTER HURRY, IT'S GONNA GO.
SWEET WOMAN, THAT SYLVIA.
YEAH, SWEET. BUT
DUMB AS A DOORKNOB.
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED WITH HER KIDS.
MMM. ROCKET SCIENTISTS, HUH?
OHH, YOU GOT IT, PAL.
WELL, DOORKNOBS BEGET DOORKNOBS.
[HACKING IN UNISON]
IT'S ME, RICHARD!
FELLAS...
IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, YOU'RE NOT
HUGGERS. I UNDERSTAND.
RICHARD, I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU REMEMBER ME.
I'M YOUR COUSIN JACOB.
JACOB, OF COURSE.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
IT CERTAINLY HAS, DONUTS.
DONUTS?
WAS THAT MY NICKNAME?
SURE. DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
I WAS DUTCH, AND
YOU WERE DONUTS.
DONUTS?
THIS GUY ONCE ATE 2
DOZEN DOUGHNUTS...
AND PUKED 'EM UP ON
GRANDMA LILLIAN'S WIG.
DONUTS.
SAY, YOU'RE RUNNING
ON EMPTY THERE, DICK.
LET ME, UH, GET YOU A DRINK.
SOUNDS GOOD. FELLAS,
LAST CHANCE FOR HUGS.
OK. CATCH YOU LATER.
SO, DICK,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
I WOULD'VE COME SOONER IF
I'D KNOWN WHAT I WAS MISSING.
I'LL BET YOU WOULD'VE.
WE'VE DONE ALL RIGHT SINCE
YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, HAVEN'T WE?
OH, AND I'VE NEVER SEEN
SO MANY KINDS OF DIP.
COME ON, COUSIN.
YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT WITH ME.
WHAT REALLY BRINGS YOU
BACK HERE AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
I CAME TO MEET MY FAMILY.
RIGHT.
BOY, YOU ARE SOME
PIECE OF WORK, DICK.
WAIT. UH...
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? DUTCH?
IT'S ME, DONUTS!
HE TOLD YOU GUYS NOT
TO HUG ME, DIDN'T HE?
SO, SALLY, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
YES, I DO, MICHELLE.
HIS NAME IS DON,
AND HE'S A COP.
OH, COPS ARE SO HOT.
OH, YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
AND I GOT ME THE HOTTEST ONE.
HEY, CHECK HIM OUT.
HANDS OFF, HON. HE'S MINE.
YEAH, WELL, MY BOYFRIEND
JUST WORKS IN A CAFETERIA.
HOLD UP. DOES HE WEAR ONE OF
THOSE COOL CAFETERIA UNIFORMS?
YEAH. AND AREN'T UNIFORMS SEXY?
WELL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT THEN!
OH, YOU ARE SO COOL. I JUST
FEEL LIKE I CAN TELL YOU STUFF.
YOU KNOW, KINDA
LIKE YOU'RE MY...
MY SISTER.
SO, JANINE...
DO YOU, UH,
HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
NO.
BUT I'M LOOKING.
WELL...
LOOK NO FURTHER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAKING MY MOVE.
TOMMY, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
WE'RE, LIKE, COUSINS.
OH, YEAH. ABOUT THAT, SEE...
THE THING IS, THAT'S NOT
REALLY ILLEGAL OR ANYTHING.
IT'S JUST... TABOO.
OH, MY GOD!
I'M, LIKE, SO CREEPED OUT.
WAIT, WAIT. WE'RE
VERY DISTANT COUSINS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW
DISTANT WE ARE. DISTANT!
OH, MARY, THE ODDEST
THING JUST HAPPENED.
I THINK ONE OF MY
RELATIVES TOLD ME OFF.
WAS IT JACOB?
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
DICK, HOW MUCH DID
YOUR FATHER TELL YOU
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN HIM AND THE FAMILY?
NOT A LOT.
H-HE LOST HIS MOUTH IN THE WAR.
YOU BETTER SIT DOWN.
DICK...
WHEN YOUR FATHER FELL
IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOTHER,
SHE HAD JUST ARRIVED
FROM LITHUANIA.
SHE WAS POOR, SHE
DIDN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH.
THE FAMILY DIDN'T
APPROVE OF HER.
MOMMY?
ANYWAY...
YOUR FATHER WAS FORCED TO
CHOOSE BETWEEN HER AND THE FAMILY,
AND HE CHOSE HER.
DADDY?
SO THE FAMILY... DISOWNED HIM,
AND IT WAS JACOB'S FATHER
WHO CUT HIM OUT OF THE
FAMILY FURNITURE BUSINESS.
CAST OUT ONTO THE STREET
BY HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD?
MY GOD, MARY.
MY FAMILY IS DESPICABLE.
AH, YOU GET USED TO IT.
THEY GAVE YOUR MOM
AND DAD THE BOOT, HUH?
SALLY, IT'S OUR MOM AND DAD.
IT'S NOBODY'S MOM AND DAD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT OUR FAMILY
WOULD DO ANYTHING SO HEARTLESS.
DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED ON THIS FAMILY.
ROGER'S A DRUNK.
DARREN HASN'T PAID TAXES
SINCE THE EISENHOWER
ADMINISTRATION.
COUSIN MARTY'S GOT
HIS OWN WEBSITE...
WHY DON'T WE JUST ADMIT TO
THEM THAT WE'RE IMPOSTORS?
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU JUST WANT US TO COME CLEAN
SO YOU CAN GO SUCK
FACE WITH YOUR COUSIN.
YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST I
HAVEN'T DELUDED MYSELF
INTO THINKING I HAVE A SISTER.
HEY, YOU LEAVE
MISSY OUT OF THIS.
I'M CURIOUS.
DOES THIS FAMILY HAVE A
HISTORY OF MENTAL ILLNESS?
WELL, THERE IS A TOUCH OF
DEMENTIA ON MY FATHER'S SIDE.
OH, THAT EXPLAINS A FEW THINGS.
DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAVE TO TALK TO JACOB.
WELL, CALM DOWN.
JACOB, WE HAVE TO TALK.
HERE IT COMES.
I'VE HEARD SOME
THINGS ABOUT THE FAMILY
AND THE BUSINESS...
SO YOU FINALLY
WORKED UP THE MARBLES
TO GET AROUND TO IT.
SO, THIS IS ABOUT THE BUSINESS.
WHO'S SHE, YOUR LAWYER?
OH, NO, I'M HIS GIRLFRIEND.
OH.
NOT MARRIED?
THAT'S CURIOUS.
LOOK, DICK,
YOUR FATHER LEFT THIS FAMILY,
AND MY FATHER WAS RIGHT TO
CUT HIM OUT OF THE BUSINESS.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED TO A PENNY.
YOU THINK I WANT MONEY?!
WELL, BY THE LOOKS OF
THAT CAR YOU ARRIVED IN,
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
I WOULD HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT I'M QUALIFIED
FOR PLATINUM STATUS!
SO I'D ZIP IT IF I WERE YOU!
OH, PLEASE. WE
SHOULDN'T GET PERSONAL.
I'D STAY OUT OF THIS, HONEY.
HONEY?!
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
A THING OR TWO, HONEY.
WHOEVER DID YOUR ELECTROLYSIS...
MISSED A SPOT!
HOW DARE YOU?!
COME ON, JACOB.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT!
HIDE BEHIND HER APRON STRINGS.
OH, PLEASE, RICHARD. YOU'RE
ACTING JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER.
DAMN STRAIGHT, AUNT FLORENCE!
DAMN STRAIGHT!
[PLAYING CLARINET BADLY]
MAN, I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.
I FINALLY MEET A HOT
GIRL... WHO LIKES ME...
AND SHE TURNS OUT
TO BE MY COUSIN?!
WELL... HAPPENS TO
A LOT OF GUYS, KIDDO.
JANINE.
WAIT A SECOND.
JANINE SOLOMON? YEAH.
WELL, THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.
UNCLE ABE TOLD ME SHE'S ADOPTED.
ADOPTED? ARE YOU SURE?
OH, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED
ON HER FATHER'S LOW SPERM COUNT.
HARRY! I COULD KISS YOU!
WELL...
HE'S A GOOD KID.
HORNY, BUT GOOD.
HEY, SALLY, CAN I
TELL YOU A SECRET?
SURE, MISSY. OF COURSE YOU CAN.
I'M A VIRGIN.
WOW.
I KNOW.
REALLY? WOW.
I REMEMBER WHAT THOSE
DAYS WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW.
FEELING LIKE I WAS THE ONLY
PERSON ON EARTH WHO HADN'T HAD SEX.
WONDERING WHAT IT
WAS GONNA BE LIKE.
WHEN DID YOU LOSE
YOUR VIRGINITY?
AH, A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
WOW.
YEAH. SO WHAT ARE
YOU WAITING FOR?
I DON'T KNOW. UH, THE RIGHT GUY.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID.
THAT IS SO COOL!
LOOK, I'M TELLIN' YA.
I HEARD YA.
FAH! YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
AH! I SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.
BRAUGGGHH!
YAAAH-AGGH!
JANINE. THERE YOU ARE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
I KNOW. I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU.
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SEE, IT'S OK IF WE KISS
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT RELATED.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED.
ADOPTED?
[NERVOUS LAUGH] NO.
NO WAY. NO, I'M NOT.
YEAH, SURE YOU ARE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.
SO, UH... YOU WANNA MAKE OUT?
MOM!
YEAH. YOU JUST CONFIRM
IT WITH YOUR MOTHER
AND, UH, GET BACK TO ME.
THEY'RE RIGHT. YOU
CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN.
SO MUCH FOR "FAMILY"
AND "BROTHERHOOD"
AND "HOME IS WHERE THE
HEART IS." WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!
NOW YOU KNOW WHERE
I'VE BEEN COMING FROM.
YOU GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS,
YOU SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL
CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE WINDOW.
EVERYTHING LOOKS SO IDYLLIC.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
THERE'S YOUR MOTHER
SWINGING A 5-IRON AT
YOUR FATHER'S HEAD,
AND THE TREE'S IN THE EGGNOG.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?
I REPRESS.
REPRESSION IS THE
KEY TO A HAPPY FAMILY.
DOESN'T SOUND VERY HEALTHY.
IF YOU YELL AND SCREAM,
YOU END UP SOUNDING
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
I'M GONNA GO GET ANOTHER DRINK.
DIDN'T YOU JUST FINISH ONE?
GET OFF MY BACK!
HEY, SO, DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD GO LIGHTER?
HONEY, IF YOU
DO, I WILL KILL YOU.
MICHELLE!
JENNY!
[BOTH SHRIEK]
MICHELLE? MICHELLE?
MICHELLE!
HUH?
WHO'S THAT?
OH! OH!
WHY, SALLY, THIS IS JENNY.
HI, JENNY. HI.
SHE'S MY SISTER.
SISTER?
HOW'S BOOTY?
OH, BOOTY'S GREAT.
WH-WHO'S BOOTY?
HEY, DID YOU SING
TO THE LAKE YET?
YOU GUYS SING TO THE LAKE?
OH, YEAH. EVER
SINCE WE WERE KIDS.
OH, GREAT! LET'S GO
DO SOME LAKE SINGIN'!
UH, WELL, IT'S KINDA JUST
BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T HELP?
I MEAN, THAT'S A... A BIG LAKE,
AND I'M REAL LOUD.
UH... IT'S OK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST THIS
SORT OF STUPID SISTER THING.
[AWKWARD LAUGH]
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
GET READY. HERE WE GO.
OHH! [MUTTERING]
[SARCASTIC] THIS WAS
SOME GREAT IDEA, DICK.
YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO
COME BACK NEXT YEAR.
DICK, YOU WANNA TELL YOUR
FAMILY TO STOP WHINING.
NO. JUST SMILE AND REPRESS.
SMILE AND REPRESS.
ALL RIGHT NOW, EVERYBODY.
COME ON NOW, SQUEEZE TOGETHER.
SQUEEZE TOGETHER, THAT'S GOOD.
GOOD. HA HA.
ALL RIGHT NOW...
EVERYBODY...
SMILE!
OHH!
I CAN'T SMILE! I HAVE
NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT!
I HATE THIS FAMILY!
RIGHT BACK AT YA, DICK!
AND I SO WANTED
TO BE PROUD OF YOU.
[BITTERLY] MY FAMILY.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GIVE
ME WARMTH AND UNENDING LOVE.
INSTEAD YOU GIVE ME A PUNCH
IN THE GUT AND A COLD TUNA MELT!
WELL, I'VE HAD IT!
AND SO I TAKE MY LEAVE
OF THIS HELLHOUSE
JUST LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME!
BYE-BYE NOW.
I'D PACK YOU A DOGGY
BAG, BUT I SAW HER
STUFFING THE HORS
D'OEUVRES INTO HER POCKETS.
DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
IT WAS THE SILVERWARE.
EXCUSE ME. WEREN'T YOU LEAVING?
OH, BELIEVE ME, WE'RE LEAVING.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
HEY! HEY! HEY!
WHAT THE HELL'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT A
LITTLE NEWS FLASH FOR YA.
DICK, JACOB,
BOTH YOUR FATHERS WERE
WORLD-CLASS PAINS IN THE ASS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
I ADMIRE ABOUT 'EM?
THEY'RE BOTH DEAD!
AND RIGHT NOW, I
WISH I WAS WITH 'EM.
AMEN TO THAT!
40 YEARS LATER,
YOU TWO MORONS ARE STILL
CARRYING ON THE SAME GRUDGE?!
GIVE IT A REST!
WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE
EACH OTHER? BOO-HOO!
SUCK IT UP. YOU'RE FAMILY!
DON'T GET ME STARTED.
HARRY,
YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
THIS TIME LAST WEEK I
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FAMILY.
AND NOW HERE I AM,
READY TO REJECT YOU ALL
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T
MEET MY STUPID EXPECTATIONS.
YEAH, YOU GUYS HAVE
BOTH GOT A POINT.
THIS FAMILY'S BEEN
SPLIT UP TOO LONG.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHY ANYMORE.
DICK, YOU MAY NOT
BE MY KIND OF GUY,
BUT YOU'RE A SOLOMON.
AND THERE'S NOT MUCH
I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
SAME HERE, JACOB.
YOU MAY BE KIND OF
CREEPY, BUT YOU'RE FAMILY.
COUSIN? COUSIN.
WELL, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
OH, JACOB!
AAH!
GET AWAY FROM ME!
WELL, GOOD-BYE NOW, SALLY.
BYE-BYE, JENNY.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT
MEETING YOU, SALLY.
YEAH, YOU, TOO, MICHELLE.
HEY...
IF ANYTHING SHOULD
HAPPEN TO JENNY...
YOU KNOW?
GIVE ME A CALL.
GOOD-BYE, RICHARD.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
IT'S NICE TO BE
ONE FAMILY AGAIN.
OH, IT SURE IS.
GOOD-BYE, SYLVIA.
GOOD-BYE.
YOU KNOW, MARY,
THE GREAT THING ABOUT
REDISCOVERING YOUR ROOTS IS
YOU SUDDENLY HAVE A WHOLE
NEW WORLD OF PEOPLE TO BLAME
FOR, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING.
HARRY.
ABE.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE THESE.
OHH, THAT'S SO NICE.
AWW, I'M GONNA
MISS YOU, UNCLE ABE.
OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED
WITH THAT EMOTIONAL CRAP.
IT'S TOO LATE!
I'VE ALREADY STARTED!
JANINE, HI. IT'S TOMMY.
UH, FROM THE REUNION?
RIGHT, YEAH, THE ONE WHO TOLD
YOU YOU WERE ADOPTED, RIGHT.
ANYWAY. SAY, UH, YOU
WANNA GO OUT ON SUNDAY?
OH, MEETING YOUR
BIRTH MOTHER, HUH?
WELL, LISTEN, CAN IT WAIT?
YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN 16 YEARS.
WHAT'S ANOTHER DAY, RIGHT?
UH, WELL, MAYBE I
COULD COME, YOU KNOW?
WE COULD CATCH A MOVIE,
SWING BY YOUR BIRTH MOM'S.
HELLO? HELLO? HEL...
OH, MAN. GOT CUT OFF.
AH, THE MAIL.
WHAT WOULD A DAY ON EARTH
BE LIKE WITHOUT THE MAIL?
PROBABLY A LOT LIKE SUNDAY.
AH! HA HA.
"SALLY SOLOMON,
"YOU HAVE BEEN PREAPPROVED
FOR A PLATINUM CREDIT CARD.
ONLY OUR MOST VALUED AND CHERISHED
CUSTOMERS QUALIFY FOR PLATINUM STATUS."
YOU GUYS, I QUALIFY
FOR PLATINUM STATUS!
SO DID I! ME TOO!
HELLO, FAMILY.
HEY, MAIL'S HERE.
AH, THE MAIL.
WHAT WOULD A DAY ON EARTH
BE LIKE WITHOUT THE MAIL?
PROBABLY A LOT LIKE SUNDAY.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
VERY CLEVER. HARRY.
UH, WAIT. I SAID THAT.
OH, REALLY?
HOW SAD.
OH, THIS ONE'S ADDRESSED
TO "MR. RICHARD SOLOMON."
MY, HOW FORMAL.
"DEAREST RICHARD,
"I HOPE WITH ALL OF MY HEART
THAT THIS LETTER FINDS YOU.
"TOO MANY YEARS HAVE GONE
BY. WE MISS YOU GREATLY.
"PLEASE COME TO THE SOLOMON
FAMILY REUNION THIS YEAR.
ALL OF MY LOVE, AUNT FLORENCE."
DICK, YOU NEVER TOLD US
YOU HAD AN AUNT FLORENCE.
HE DOESN'T, YOU MOOK.
THAT LETTER WAS OBVIOUSLY MEANT
FOR SOME OTHER DICK SOLOMON.
WELL, I'LL JUST CALL
UP THIS AUNT FLORENCE
AND SET HER STRAIGHT.
GREAT SCOTT!
I'VE QUALIFIED FOR
PLATINUM STATUS!
YES, HELLO. IS THIS
FLORENCE SOLOMON?
HI, MY NAME IS DICK SOLOMON.
I-I'VE GOT THIS, UH, INVITATION
TO A FAMILY REUNION, AND I...
WELL, YES, IT'S NICE TO
HEAR YOUR VOICE, TOO, BUT...
YES, I AM AS ADORABLE
AS I ALWAYS WAS.
HAS IT REALLY BEEN 43 YEARS?
THEN, IF I DID TURN UP,
YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T
EVEN RECOGNIZE ME, HUH?
THAT'S...
YES, IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO
SEE THE FAMILY AGAIN, AUNT FLORENCE.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
YES...
YES. BYE-BYE.
I HAVE AN AUNT FLORENCE.
WHAT?
WHAT? OH, THAT WAS
AUNT FLORENCE IN INDIANA.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE
AN AUNT FLORENCE IN INDIANA?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE
AN AUNT FLORENCE IN INDIANA?
I DON'T.
SO WHERE'S THE BIG COINCIDENCE?
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,
NINA, YOU MAKE NO SENSE.
ARE YOU GONNA VISIT HER?
WE HAVE A FAMILY
REUNION THIS WEEKEND.
IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE
WONDERFUL. YOU WANNA COME?
ARE YOU SURE IT'S ALL RIGHT?
WELL, OF COURSE IT'S ALL RIGHT.
OH, DICK, IT'S FAMILY, I...
NO, DON'T WORRY, MARY.
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND MY FAMILY
TO BE WARM AND NURTURING.
IT WON'T BEAR ANY RESEMBLANCE
TO THE LIQUOR-DRENCHED ORGY
OF HATRED AND RECRIMINATION
THAT MARKS EVERY
ALBRIGHT GET-TOGETHER.
SALLY, WE'RE NOT SPENDING THE
WHOLE WINTER AT THIS REUNION.
BACK OFF, ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT LIKE YOU GUYS.
I CAN'T JUST THROW IN A
TOOTHBRUSH AND A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR
AND BE SET FOR THE WEEKEND.
UNDERWEAR!
WELL, IS EVERYBODY READY
TO GO TO OUR FAMILY REUNION?
DICK, THIS IS NOT OUR FAMILY.
YEAH, WHAT IF THEY
START ASKING QUESTIONS?
YEAH. WELL, THAT'S
THE BEAUTY OF THIS.
AUNT FLORENCE HASN'T SEEN
RICHARD SINCE HE WAS 5 YEARS OLD.
FOR ALL THEY KNOW, I'M HIM.
WELL, AS A TEENAGER,
THE IDEA OF GOING TO A FAMILY
REUNION SICKENS ME TO MY CORE.
TOMMY, UH...
WE'VE BEEN HERE ON
EARTH FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS,
AND WE STILL LACK SOMETHING
THAT'S SO IMPORTANT TO US...
ROOTS. A CONNECTION.
LIFE HERE IS NOT JUST
ABOUT WHERE WE'RE GOING,
IT'S ABOUT WHERE
WE'VE COME FROM.
NOW WE'D BETTER GET ON THE ROAD.
YOU KNOW HOW AUNT FLORENCE
HATES IT WHEN WE'RE LATE.
[DING-DONG]
AUNT FLORENCE?
YES?
IT'S ME. RICHARD.
RICHARD?
OH, MY GOODNESS! IT IS YOU!
ABE! IT'S RICHARD!
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED! HA HA!
HA HA HA! WELL, WELCOME BACK!
AND WHO ARE ALL
THESE LOVELY PEOPLE?
WELL, THIS IS MY SISTER,
YOUR NIECE SALLY.
AND THIS IS MY SON, YOUR
GRANDNEPHEW TOMMY.
AND THIS IS MY BROTHER,
YOUR NEPHEW HARRY.
YAAH! HARRY!
AND THIS LITTLE HOTTIE
IS MY GIRLFRIEND MARY.
NICE TO MEET YOU, FLORENCE.
RICHARD, COME GREET THE FAMILY.
THEY CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM.
UH, WELL, WE BROUGHT YOU THIS.
IT GOES GREAT WITH STEAK.
AT LEAST IT DID LAST NIGHT.
YOU CHEAP BASTARD,
YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN AROUND HERE.
BUNCH OF TIGHTWADS?
TIGHTWADS? DON'T EVEN GET
ME STARTED WITH THIS FAMILY.
COME HERE.
IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, THIS IS SO GREAT.
I JUST OPENED MY ARMS,
AND I'M HUGGED AND KISSED AND
PINCHED BY ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE.
THERE ISN'T EVEN A COVER CHARGE.
WE'RE FAMILY, RICHARD!
FAMILY. IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, IT DOES MY HEART
GOOD TO SEE HIM BACK.
IT'S FUNNY. HE NEVER
MENTIONED ANY OF YOU.
WELL, GIVEN ALL THE TROUBLES,
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
SEE HIM HERE AGAIN.
WHAT TROUBLES?
HI.
HEY.
HEY.
THAT'S A GREAT TOP.
YOU THINK SO?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.
OH, NO, IT'S... IT'S PERFECT.
OH, THANKS. I LIVE
WITH A BUNCH OF MEN,
AND THEY WERE NO HELP AT ALL.
YEAH. HA HA.
HEY, I'M MICHELLE,
MARTHA'S DAUGHTER.
OH, HI, I'M SALLY,
RICHARD'S SISTER.
NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU, TOO.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY SWEATER WOULD GO
SO GREAT WITH THAT TOP.
OH, YOU WANNA TRY IT ON?
SURE.
OH, YEAH. DEFINITELY HIP.
COOL. HA HA.
HEY, YOU WANNA WEAR MY SHOES?
I'VE GOT A PAIR OF SOCKS
I'M NOT USING. I'LL GO GET 'EM.
IT'S, UH, POT ROAST.
OH, WOW. I WAS WAY OFF.
HI. I'M JANINE.
I'M TOMMY.
SO...
[BORED] THIS IS PRETTY FUN, HUH?
OH, YEAH.
HEY? YOU WANNA GET OUTTA HERE?
OH, YEAH. COME ON.
Aunt Sylvia: AUDREY MADE
HER FAMOUS AMBROSIA.
YOU BETTER HURRY, IT'S GONNA GO.
SWEET WOMAN, THAT SYLVIA.
YEAH, SWEET. BUT
DUMB AS A DOORKNOB.
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED WITH HER KIDS.
MMM. ROCKET SCIENTISTS, HUH?
OHH, YOU GOT IT, PAL.
WELL, DOORKNOBS BEGET DOORKNOBS.
[HACKING IN UNISON]
IT'S ME, RICHARD!
FELLAS...
IT'S ME, RICHARD!
OH, YOU'RE NOT
HUGGERS. I UNDERSTAND.
RICHARD, I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU REMEMBER ME.
I'M YOUR COUSIN JACOB.
JACOB, OF COURSE.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
IT CERTAINLY HAS, DONUTS.
DONUTS?
WAS THAT MY NICKNAME?
SURE. DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
I WAS DUTCH, AND
YOU WERE DONUTS.
DONUTS?
THIS GUY ONCE ATE 2
DOZEN DOUGHNUTS...
AND PUKED 'EM UP ON
GRANDMA LILLIAN'S WIG.
DONUTS.
SAY, YOU'RE RUNNING
ON EMPTY THERE, DICK.
LET ME, UH, GET YOU A DRINK.
SOUNDS GOOD. FELLAS,
LAST CHANCE FOR HUGS.
OK. CATCH YOU LATER.
SO, DICK,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
I WOULD'VE COME SOONER IF
I'D KNOWN WHAT I WAS MISSING.
I'LL BET YOU WOULD'VE.
WE'VE DONE ALL RIGHT SINCE
YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, HAVEN'T WE?
OH, AND I'VE NEVER SEEN
SO MANY KINDS OF DIP.
COME ON, COUSIN.
YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT WITH ME.
WHAT REALLY BRINGS YOU
BACK HERE AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
I CAME TO MEET MY FAMILY.
RIGHT.
BOY, YOU ARE SOME
PIECE OF WORK, DICK.
WAIT. UH...
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? DUTCH?
IT'S ME, DONUTS!
HE TOLD YOU GUYS NOT
TO HUG ME, DIDN'T HE?
SO, SALLY, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
YES, I DO, MICHELLE.
HIS NAME IS DON,
AND HE'S A COP.
OH, COPS ARE SO HOT.
OH, YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
AND I GOT ME THE HOTTEST ONE.
HEY, CHECK HIM OUT.
HANDS OFF, HON. HE'S MINE.
YEAH, WELL, MY BOYFRIEND
JUST WORKS IN A CAFETERIA.
HOLD UP. DOES HE WEAR ONE OF
THOSE COOL CAFETERIA UNIFORMS?
YEAH. AND AREN'T UNIFORMS SEXY?
WELL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT THEN!
OH, YOU ARE SO COOL. I JUST
FEEL LIKE I CAN TELL YOU STUFF.
YOU KNOW, KINDA
LIKE YOU'RE MY...
MY SISTER.
SO, JANINE...
DO YOU, UH,
HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
NO.
BUT I'M LOOKING.
WELL...
LOOK NO FURTHER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAKING MY MOVE.
TOMMY, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
WE'RE, LIKE, COUSINS.
OH, YEAH. ABOUT THAT, SEE...
THE THING IS, THAT'S NOT
REALLY ILLEGAL OR ANYTHING.
IT'S JUST... TABOO.
OH, MY GOD!
I'M, LIKE, SO CREEPED OUT.
WAIT, WAIT. WE'RE
VERY DISTANT COUSINS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW
DISTANT WE ARE. DISTANT!
OH, MARY, THE ODDEST
THING JUST HAPPENED.
I THINK ONE OF MY
RELATIVES TOLD ME OFF.
WAS IT JACOB?
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
DICK, HOW MUCH DID
YOUR FATHER TELL YOU
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN HIM AND THE FAMILY?
NOT A LOT.
H-HE LOST HIS MOUTH IN THE WAR.
YOU BETTER SIT DOWN.
DICK...
WHEN YOUR FATHER FELL
IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOTHER,
SHE HAD JUST ARRIVED
FROM LITHUANIA.
SHE WAS POOR, SHE
DIDN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH.
THE FAMILY DIDN'T
APPROVE OF HER.
MOMMY?
ANYWAY...
YOUR FATHER WAS FORCED TO
CHOOSE BETWEEN HER AND THE FAMILY,
AND HE CHOSE HER.
DADDY?
SO THE FAMILY... DISOWNED HIM,
AND IT WAS JACOB'S FATHER
WHO CUT HIM OUT OF THE
FAMILY FURNITURE BUSINESS.
CAST OUT ONTO THE STREET
BY HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD?
MY GOD, MARY.
MY FAMILY IS DESPICABLE.
AH, YOU GET USED TO IT.
THEY GAVE YOUR MOM
AND DAD THE BOOT, HUH?
SALLY, IT'S OUR MOM AND DAD.
IT'S NOBODY'S MOM AND DAD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT OUR FAMILY
WOULD DO ANYTHING SO HEARTLESS.
DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED ON THIS FAMILY.
ROGER'S A DRUNK.
DARREN HASN'T PAID TAXES
SINCE THE EISENHOWER
ADMINISTRATION.
COUSIN MARTY'S GOT
HIS OWN WEBSITE...
WHY DON'T WE JUST ADMIT TO
THEM THAT WE'RE IMPOSTORS?
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU JUST WANT US TO COME CLEAN
SO YOU CAN GO SUCK
FACE WITH YOUR COUSIN.
YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST I
HAVEN'T DELUDED MYSELF
INTO THINKING I HAVE A SISTER.
HEY, YOU LEAVE
MISSY OUT OF THIS.
I'M CURIOUS.
DOES THIS FAMILY HAVE A
HISTORY OF MENTAL ILLNESS?
WELL, THERE IS A TOUCH OF
DEMENTIA ON MY FATHER'S SIDE.
OH, THAT EXPLAINS A FEW THINGS.
DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAVE TO TALK TO JACOB.
WELL, CALM DOWN.
JACOB, WE HAVE TO TALK.
HERE IT COMES.
I'VE HEARD SOME
THINGS ABOUT THE FAMILY
AND THE BUSINESS...
SO YOU FINALLY
WORKED UP THE MARBLES
TO GET AROUND TO IT.
SO, THIS IS ABOUT THE BUSINESS.
WHO'S SHE, YOUR LAWYER?
OH, NO, I'M HIS GIRLFRIEND.
OH.
NOT MARRIED?
THAT'S CURIOUS.
LOOK, DICK,
YOUR FATHER LEFT THIS FAMILY,
AND MY FATHER WAS RIGHT TO
CUT HIM OUT OF THE BUSINESS.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED TO A PENNY.
YOU THINK I WANT MONEY?!
WELL, BY THE LOOKS OF
THAT CAR YOU ARRIVED IN,
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
I WOULD HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT I'M QUALIFIED
FOR PLATINUM STATUS!
SO I'D ZIP IT IF I WERE YOU!
OH, PLEASE. WE
SHOULDN'T GET PERSONAL.
I'D STAY OUT OF THIS, HONEY.
HONEY?!
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
A THING OR TWO, HONEY.
WHOEVER DID YOUR ELECTROLYSIS...
MISSED A SPOT!
HOW DARE YOU?!
COME ON, JACOB.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT!
HIDE BEHIND HER APRON STRINGS.
OH, PLEASE, RICHARD. YOU'RE
ACTING JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER.
DAMN STRAIGHT, AUNT FLORENCE!
DAMN STRAIGHT!
[PLAYING CLARINET BADLY]
MAN, I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.
I FINALLY MEET A HOT
GIRL... WHO LIKES ME...
AND SHE TURNS OUT
TO BE MY COUSIN?!
WELL... HAPPENS TO
A LOT OF GUYS, KIDDO.
JANINE.
WAIT A SECOND.
JANINE SOLOMON? YEAH.
WELL, THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.
UNCLE ABE TOLD ME SHE'S ADOPTED.
ADOPTED? ARE YOU SURE?
OH, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED
ON HER FATHER'S LOW SPERM COUNT.
HARRY! I COULD KISS YOU!
WELL...
HE'S A GOOD KID.
HORNY, BUT GOOD.
HEY, SALLY, CAN I
TELL YOU A SECRET?
SURE, MISSY. OF COURSE YOU CAN.
I'M A VIRGIN.
WOW.
I KNOW.
REALLY? WOW.
I REMEMBER WHAT THOSE
DAYS WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW.
FEELING LIKE I WAS THE ONLY
PERSON ON EARTH WHO HADN'T HAD SEX.
WONDERING WHAT IT
WAS GONNA BE LIKE.
WHEN DID YOU LOSE
YOUR VIRGINITY?
AH, A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.
WOW.
YEAH. SO WHAT ARE
YOU WAITING FOR?
I DON'T KNOW. UH, THE RIGHT GUY.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID.
THAT IS SO COOL!
LOOK, I'M TELLIN' YA.
I HEARD YA.
FAH! YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
AH! I SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.
BRAUGGGHH!
YAAAH-AGGH!
JANINE. THERE YOU ARE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
I KNOW. I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU.
NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SEE, IT'S OK IF WE KISS
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT RELATED.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED.
ADOPTED?
[NERVOUS LAUGH] NO.
NO WAY. NO, I'M NOT.
YEAH, SURE YOU ARE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.
SO, UH... YOU WANNA MAKE OUT?
MOM!
YEAH. YOU JUST CONFIRM
IT WITH YOUR MOTHER
AND, UH, GET BACK TO ME.
THEY'RE RIGHT. YOU
CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN.
SO MUCH FOR "FAMILY"
AND "BROTHERHOOD"
AND "HOME IS WHERE THE
HEART IS." WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!
NOW YOU KNOW WHERE
I'VE BEEN COMING FROM.
YOU GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS,
YOU SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL
CHRISTMAS TREE IN THE WINDOW.
EVERYTHING LOOKS SO IDYLLIC.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
THERE'S YOUR MOTHER
SWINGING A 5-IRON AT
YOUR FATHER'S HEAD,
AND THE TREE'S IN THE EGGNOG.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?
I REPRESS.
REPRESSION IS THE
KEY TO A HAPPY FAMILY.
DOESN'T SOUND VERY HEALTHY.
IF YOU YELL AND SCREAM,
YOU END UP SOUNDING
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
I'M GONNA GO GET ANOTHER DRINK.
DIDN'T YOU JUST FINISH ONE?
GET OFF MY BACK!
HEY, SO, DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD GO LIGHTER?
HONEY, IF YOU
DO, I WILL KILL YOU.
MICHELLE!
JENNY!
[BOTH SHRIEK]
MICHELLE? MICHELLE?
MICHELLE!
HUH?
WHO'S THAT?
OH! OH!
WHY, SALLY, THIS IS JENNY.
HI, JENNY. HI.
SHE'S MY SISTER.
SISTER?
HOW'S BOOTY?
OH, BOOTY'S GREAT.
WH-WHO'S BOOTY?
HEY, DID YOU SING
TO THE LAKE YET?
YOU GUYS SING TO THE LAKE?
OH, YEAH. EVER
SINCE WE WERE KIDS.
OH, GREAT! LET'S GO
DO SOME LAKE SINGIN'!
UH, WELL, IT'S KINDA JUST
BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T HELP?
I MEAN, THAT'S A... A BIG LAKE,
AND I'M REAL LOUD.
UH... IT'S OK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST THIS
SORT OF STUPID SISTER THING.
[AWKWARD LAUGH]
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
GET READY. HERE WE GO.
OHH! [MUTTERING]
[SARCASTIC] THIS WAS
SOME GREAT IDEA, DICK.
YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO
COME BACK NEXT YEAR.
DICK, YOU WANNA TELL YOUR
FAMILY TO STOP WHINING.
NO. JUST SMILE AND REPRESS.
SMILE AND REPRESS.
ALL RIGHT NOW, EVERYBODY.
COME ON NOW, SQUEEZE TOGETHER.
SQUEEZE TOGETHER, THAT'S GOOD.
GOOD. HA HA.
ALL RIGHT NOW...
EVERYBODY...
SMILE!
OHH!
I CAN'T SMILE! I HAVE
NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT!
I HATE THIS FAMILY!
RIGHT BACK AT YA, DICK!
AND I SO WANTED
TO BE PROUD OF YOU.
[BITTERLY] MY FAMILY.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GIVE
ME WARMTH AND UNENDING LOVE.
INSTEAD YOU GIVE ME A PUNCH
IN THE GUT AND A COLD TUNA MELT!
WELL, I'VE HAD IT!
AND SO I TAKE MY LEAVE
OF THIS HELLHOUSE
JUST LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME!
BYE-BYE NOW.
I'D PACK YOU A DOGGY
BAG, BUT I SAW HER
STUFFING THE HORS
D'OEUVRES INTO HER POCKETS.
DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
IT WAS THE SILVERWARE.
EXCUSE ME. WEREN'T YOU LEAVING?
OH, BELIEVE ME, WE'RE LEAVING.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
HEY! HEY! HEY!
WHAT THE HELL'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT A
LITTLE NEWS FLASH FOR YA.
DICK, JACOB,
BOTH YOUR FATHERS WERE
WORLD-CLASS PAINS IN THE ASS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
I ADMIRE ABOUT 'EM?
THEY'RE BOTH DEAD!
AND RIGHT NOW, I
WISH I WAS WITH 'EM.
AMEN TO THAT!
40 YEARS LATER,
YOU TWO MORONS ARE STILL
CARRYING ON THE SAME GRUDGE?!
GIVE IT A REST!
WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE
EACH OTHER? BOO-HOO!
SUCK IT UP. YOU'RE FAMILY!
DON'T GET ME STARTED.
HARRY,
YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
THIS TIME LAST WEEK I
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FAMILY.
AND NOW HERE I AM,
READY TO REJECT YOU ALL
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T
MEET MY STUPID EXPECTATIONS.
YEAH, YOU GUYS HAVE
BOTH GOT A POINT.
THIS FAMILY'S BEEN
SPLIT UP TOO LONG.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHY ANYMORE.
DICK, YOU MAY NOT
BE MY KIND OF GUY,
BUT YOU'RE A SOLOMON.
AND THERE'S NOT MUCH
I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
SAME HERE, JACOB.
YOU MAY BE KIND OF
CREEPY, BUT YOU'RE FAMILY.
COUSIN? COUSIN.
WELL, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
OH, JACOB!
AAH!
GET AWAY FROM ME!
WELL, GOOD-BYE NOW, SALLY.
BYE-BYE, JENNY.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT
MEETING YOU, SALLY.
YEAH, YOU, TOO, MICHELLE.
HEY...
IF ANYTHING SHOULD
HAPPEN TO JENNY...
YOU KNOW?
GIVE ME A CALL.
GOOD-BYE, RICHARD.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
IT'S NICE TO BE
ONE FAMILY AGAIN.
OH, IT SURE IS.
GOOD-BYE, SYLVIA.
GOOD-BYE.
YOU KNOW, MARY,
THE GREAT THING ABOUT
REDISCOVERING YOUR ROOTS IS
YOU SUDDENLY HAVE A WHOLE
NEW WORLD OF PEOPLE TO BLAME
FOR, YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING.
HARRY.
ABE.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE THESE.
OHH, THAT'S SO NICE.
AWW, I'M GONNA
MISS YOU, UNCLE ABE.
OH, DON'T GET ME STARTED
WITH THAT EMOTIONAL CRAP.
IT'S TOO LATE!
I'VE ALREADY STARTED!
JANINE, HI. IT'S TOMMY.
UH, FROM THE REUNION?
RIGHT, YEAH, THE ONE WHO TOLD
YOU YOU WERE ADOPTED, RIGHT.
ANYWAY. SAY, UH, YOU
WANNA GO OUT ON SUNDAY?
OH, MEETING YOUR
BIRTH MOTHER, HUH?
WELL, LISTEN, CAN IT WAIT?
YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN 16 YEARS.
WHAT'S ANOTHER DAY, RIGHT?
UH, WELL, MAYBE I
COULD COME, YOU KNOW?
WE COULD CATCH A MOVIE,
SWING BY YOUR BIRTH MOM'S.
HELLO? HELLO? HEL...
OH, MAN. GOT CUT OFF.