3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 3 - Hotel Dick - full transcript
Dick feels he has to tell Mary he's an alien. They all go to a sci-fi convention.
OH, MY GOD!
[PANTING] [PANTING]
ALIENS ARE NOT LIKE THAT.
THE SENSELESS VIOLENCE.
THE MINDLESS GORE.
THE INCREDIBLE SOUND SYSTEM.
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
30 SPEAKERS IN THAT PLACE.
THAT MOVIE KICKED BUTT.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
THEY PORTRAYED ALIENS
AS VICIOUS MONSTERS.
THEY BLEW UP THE DEPARTMENT
OF TRANSPORTATION.
Man: HEY, HEY, DO YOU MIND?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET.
WHAT DO I CARE? I
DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU
THINK IT WAS COOL
WHEN THAT THING'S TONGUE SPLIT OPEN
AND STRANGLED THOSE 8 ARMY GUYS?
YEAH. OK, THAT WAS COOL,
BUT ONLY THAT.
ONLY BECAUSE IT MADE ME
SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
DICK, THEY HAVE TO
MAKE THE ALIENS SCARY.
THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
SUCKING THE BRAINS OUT
OF ALL THOSE ZOO ANIMALS
IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT!
Man: HEY, WILL SOMEBODY
MAKE THAT GUY SHUT UP?
IT'S HOW THESE
PEOPLE THINK OF US.
THEY DIDN'T CARE WHETHER
THE ALIENS WERE GOOD OR BAD,
THEY JUST WANTED THEM DEAD.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
MARY... SHE'S ALREADY
SEEN THIS MOVIE.
SO? SHE DOESN'T KNOW
YOU'RE AN ALIEN... DOES SHE?
OH, PLEASE.
DOES SHE?
I SAID, "OH, PLEASE."
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
DOES SHE? DOES SHE?
NO!
ATTENTION, TICKET HOLDERS!
LISTEN UP.
AT THE END OF THE MOVIE
WHEN THE PRESIDENT
TURNS OUT TO BE AN ALIEN
AND HE BARBECUES
ALL THE CONGRESSMEN,
DON'T BELIEVE IT, OK?
BECAUSE ALIENS HATE BARBECUE!
IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
ALL RIGHTIE.
AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU.
DID YOU HEAR THAT GUY?
HE HASN'T EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE
YET, AND ALREADY HE WANTS TO KILL US!
WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO LAY LOW
UNTIL THIS MANIA PASSES OVER.
MAYBE BUILD A BUNKER!
NO! WE CAN'T HIDE.
I SAY WE COME OUT OF THE
BUNKER AND INTO THE STREET.
I SAY WE HOLD AN
ALIEN PRIDE PARADE.
WE'LL ALL GET TOGETHER,
AND WE'LL PROVE
THAT WE'RE ALL...
HUMANS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
HELLO, RUTHERFORD BUGLE?
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
YOUR FILM CRITIC, PLEASE.
OH, WELL, THEN WILL YOU TELL HIM
THAT I JUST SAW
DAWN OF THE ALIENS
AND IT WAS NOT WHAM-BAM.
IT WAS NOT A SLAM-DUNK.
I WAS NEVER ON THE
EDGE OF MY SEAT,
AND THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
DID NOT MAKE MY EYES POP OUT!
THERE'S NO CREAM IN HERE!
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BITE MY HEAD OFF.
NINA, WE DON'T DO THAT.
HELLO, DICK.
OH, MARY.
YOU NOTICE HOW I'M BEING GENTLE
AND NOT SQUEEZING YOUR BODY
UNTIL YOUR SPLEEN
SHOOTS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?
YES. I NOTICED THAT. THANK YOU.
OH! SPEAKING OF SPLEENS!
DID YOU SEE DAWN OF THE ALIENS?
OH, WASN'T THAT MOVIE GREAT!
IT WAS 2 HOURS AND 4 MINUTES
OF HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE LIES.
I LIKED IT.
ME, TOO. I WAS ON
THE EDGE OF MY SEAT.
WHY WOULD THEY PORTRAY
ALIENS AS HIDEOUS, EVIL MUTANTS?
WHY CAN'T THEY BE SWEET
AND WELL-MANNERED?
WELL, I DON'T PAY 7 BUCKS
TO SEE AN ALIEN
PLAY WITH A PUPPY.
AT THAT PRICE, HE BETTER EAT IT.
TOMMY?
TOMMY.
THEY'RE HAVING A SCI-FI
CONVENTION IN CLEVELAND.
"MEET ALL THE ALIENS FROM YOUR
FAVORITE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES
"AND STAR TREK'S
MR. SULU, GEORGE TAKEI,
"WILL BE SIGNING
COPIES OF HIS NEW BOOK,
WARP SPEED, DAMN IT! THE
COMPLETE RANTS OF WILLIAM SHATNER."
THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT PLACE
TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND
HOW WRONG THEIR
IMPRESSIONS OF US ALIENS ARE,
OR WE COULD JUST BLOW
THE WHOLE DAMN PLACE UP.
WOULD YOU GUYS LIFT
YOUR FEET, PLEASE?
LIFT YOUR FEET.
LIFT FEET!
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
SALLY, TURN OFF
YOUR SUCKING DEVICE.
WHAT IS IT?
I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.
I'VE MADE THE MOST DIFFICULT DECISION I'VE
HAD TO MAKE SINCE COMING TO THIS PLANET.
YOU'RE GIVING UP TIDY WHITIES
AND SWITCHING TO BOXERS? NO!
IT'S NOT ABOUT UNDERWEAR, HARRY,
ALTHOUGH I HAVE SWITCHED.
OH! OH! OH!
I'VE DECIDED TO TELL MARY
THAT I AM WHAT HUMANS WOULD
CALL, IN THEIR GALACTOCENTRIC WAY,
AN ALIEN.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
DICK, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
YOU'VE NEVER BLOWN YOUR
COVER ON ANY OTHER MISSION.
I NEVER FELT THE NEED TO.
I KEEP HAVING THESE FEELINGS.
AY-YI-YI! AY-YI-YI! AY-YI-YI!
IT'S THIS FLESHY
HUMAN SLIPCOVER.
OH, SURE. IT'S
DASHING, TALL, MANLY...
WASHABLE...
BUT SOMEHOW IT JUST
MAKES ME FEEL SO AWFUL
ABOUT DECEIVING
THE WOMAN I LOVE.
ALL RIGHT. OK, LOOK.
LET'S JUST THINK THIS
THING THROUGH, OK?
HERE. I'LL BE HER.
HERE I AM. I'M MARY
SITTING AT MY DESK.
YOU COME IN AND TELL ME.
HELLO, MARY.
DICK.
YOU LOOK HANDSOME TODAY.
YOU LOOK MORE
BEAUTIFUL THAN EVER.
WHOA! WHOA! BLEH! OH.
EW! OH.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
LET'S JUST START OVER.
HELLO, MARY.
DICK.
I CAN'T KISS YOU TODAY
BECAUSE I'VE GOT THE FLU.
AS DO I.
MARY...
I AM AN ALIEN.
AAH!
SHE'S DEAD!
YOU KILLED HER,
YOU ALIEN BASTARD!
WHY?
WHY?!
THIS IS NONSENSE!
I'M GOING TO TELL HER.
YOU'RE GOING TO
GET US ALL KILLED.
I'M ONLY TELLING ONE PERSON.
SIR, AS SECURITY
OFFICER, I FORBID IT.
AND AS HIGH COMMANDER,
I HAVE TO SAY TOUGH
TOENAILS, LIEUTENANT!
FINE. LET IT BE ON YOUR HEAD.
WHICH IS GOING TO BE
SITTING NEXT TO OURS
ON A TRAY SOMEWHERE
IN NEW MEXICO.
I'M TELLING YOU, DICK,
HUMANS CANNOT HANDLE
THIS KIND OF INFORMATION.
MARY CAN.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
THE RIGHT SETTING,
THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE,
WHERE THE ELEGANT BEAUTY OF
OUR MAGNIFICENT SURROUNDINGS
HELP HER TO EMBRACE THE TRUTH...
AND ME.
THEY'RE HAVING A SCI-FI
CONVENTION IN CLEVELAND.
PERFECT!
PACK YOUR BAGS, KIDS,
WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP!
SWEET!
I... OOH!
OH!
AHH!
OHH! LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
OHH!
OUR FIRST HOTEL ROOM!
WOW!
WHY DO I SUDDENLY HAVE
THE URGE TO TRASH IT?
HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK
AT THIS TINY BOTTLE
I FOUND IN THE BATHROOM:
EVIDENCE OF A SUPERIOR
RACE OF TINY PEOPLE.
HOW CAN YOU TELL
THEY'RE SUPERIOR?
BECAUSE IT'S A SHAMPOO
AND CONDITIONER IN ONE.
AH.
WOW, A TINY FRIDGE FILLED
WITH TINY BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL
AND TINY BAGS OF MACADAMIA NUTS!
WOW, THESE PEOPLE MIGHT BE TINY,
BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO PARTY!
HOW DID THEY GET UP ON THE BED?
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE
ALL DRUNK AND FAT ON NUTS.
JUST TELL ME WHEN.
WHEN.
WHEN I'VE POURED ENOUGH TO
SLAKE YOUR THIRST FOR CHAMPAGNE.
WHEN.
WHENEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES.
WHEN! STOP NOW!
NOW?
YEAH! YES, NOW! NOW!
WITH HALF A BOTTLE
FOR ONE GLASS,
YOU ARE A WILD WOMAN,
BUT, THEN, I ACCEPT THAT.
I MAY BE WILD, BUT
I'M NOT GOING TO BITE.
AND NEITHER WILL I, AND
THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.
THERE WILL BE NO
BITING, NO BLOODLETTING,
NO CRANIAL EXPLOSIONS.
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
ALL RIGHT, MARY.
YOU'VE SNIFFED ME OUT.
I BROUGHT YOU HERE UNDER
THE GUISE OF A ROMANTIC HOLIDAY
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT MYSELF.
THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.
I... I DON'T WANT
YOU TO JUDGE ME.
I NEVER JUDGE YOU.
SOMETIMES I DO...
OFTEN.
ALWAYS.
I'LL TRY NOT TO THIS TIME.
MARY, BEFORE I MET YOU, I
WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
I WAS FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE,
AND EVER SINCE I
LEFT THAT PLACE,
I'VE BEEN FIGHTING
SO HARD TO FIT IN,
AND IF EVER ANYONE FOUND
OUT, I'D HAVE TO GO BACK
BECAUSE I COULD NEVER LIVE
IN THIS WORLD ANY LONGER.
OH, DICK...
WERE YOU IN A...
CLINIC?
CLINIC?
IT'S OK.
SO WAS I!
OH! OH.
WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE GOING TO THE
SCI-FI CONVENTION.
[IMITATES HEARTBEAT]
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT
THIS SCI-FI CONVENTION ANYWAY?
WELL, DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
TO TAKE A STAND,
TO PROTEST HOW THE REST OF
THE WORLD IS TREATING OUR KIND.
SO YOU WANT TO BE SOME KIND
OF ALIEN MARTIN LUTHER KING?
EXACTLY.
BECAUSE I, TOO, HAVE A DREAM,
AND IN THAT DREAM I'M
NAKED ON A FERRIS WHEEL.
I'LL MEET YOU GUYS
DOWN IN THE LOBBY.
I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE
DICK HASN'T BLOWN OUR COVER.
OH, SALLY, THERE'S A
NOTE FOR YOU ON THE DOOR.
"PLEASE MAKE UP ROOM."
ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO IT
WHEN WE GET BACK!
WE'RE GOING TO THE
SCI-FI CONVENTION!
I'VE NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THIS BEFORE,
BUT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
9, 10...
17...
I WAS FAT.
OH. HOW FAT?
FAT ENOUGH THAT
EVERYBODY MADE FUN OF ME.
FAT AS A COW? IS THAT HOW FAT?
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
NO. NO. SORRY. GO ON.
ANYWAY, INSTEAD OF
REACHING OUT FOR HELP,
I TURNED INWARD AND BECAME
BITTER AND DISILLUSIONED
WITH THE WORLD AROUND ME.
300 POUNDS? 400?
DICK!
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. GO ON.
MY PARENTS JUST MADE IT WORSE.
THEY HAD THIS NOTION
THAT I WAS GOING TO BE
AN OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER.
THEY FORCED ME INTO A LEOTARD.
I LOOKED LIKE A SAUSAGE
IN PURPLE VELOUR CASING,
AND WHEN I SKATED...
THEY CALLED ME THE ZAMBONI.
THEN ONE DAY, I...
I CRACKED.
THE ICE?
MENTALLY!
I CRACKED MENTALLY.
MENTALLY. MENTALLY.
MY PARENTS SENT ME
TO A SPECIAL PLACE...
CAMP KNOCK-A-LOT-O'-WEIGHT-OFF.
OH, MY, THAT'S JUST TERRIBLE.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, NO, NO. IT'S FINE, REALLY.
THANKS FOR LETTING
ME CONFIDE IN YOU.
NOW...
WHY WERE YOU IN A CLINIC?
OH, UH, WELL, FUNNY STORY.
I WAS, UH... HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
NOT.
WHAT?
HERE IT GOES. I AM...
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
JUST HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
SALLY!
HI. I NEED TO TALK TO DICK
FOR A SECOND IN PRIVATE.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME
LITTLE GIRLIE THING
YOU NEED TO DO IN THE BATHROOM?
THEN JUST GO SIT IN THERE.
EXCUSE ME?
YOU'RE EXCUSED.
WHAT? UH...
WELL!
I JUST WANTED...
SHH!
THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO
POURING MY HEART OUT.
THEN I ARRIVED JUST IN TIME.
SHE JUST TOLD ME ONE
OF HER DEEPEST SECRETS.
SHE USED TO BE FAT.
FAT AS A COW, IS THAT HOW FAT?
THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
YOU'RE RIGHT. THE POINT
IS SHE CAN'T KEEP A SECRET.
I MEAN, YOU TELL HER, AND
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THE AIR FORCE HAS SEALED
OFF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
THAT'S A RISK I'M
WILLING TO TAKE.
OK, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE:
YOU TELL HER YOU'RE AN ALIEN,
AND SHE FREAKS OUT, RUNS AWAY,
AND YOU NEVER SEE
HER AGAIN... EVER.
OH.
WELL, IN MY SCENARIO,
SHE COMES RUNNING INTO MY ARMS.
WELL, IT'S JUST A RISK
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE...
ALIEN.
IT IS FASCINATING,
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
WHAT?
WELL, HOW THESE PEOPLE FULFILL
THEIR LIVES THROUGH FANTASY.
IT'S LIKE THOSE GUYS THAT
SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME
READING THOSE FAKE
LETTERS IN PENTHOUSE.
THEY'RE FAKE?
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT
THESE PEOPLE WOULD DO
IF THEY MET AN ACTUAL ALIEN?
THEY WOULD COMPLETELY FREAK OUT.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IN A WAY, AREN'T WE ALL ALIENS?
I MEAN, WE EMERGE FROM
WEIGHTLESS ENVIRONMENTS,
SEEING EVERYTHING
FOR THE FIRST TIME
WITH CURIOUS NEW EYES,
EVERY EMOTION BRAND-NEW,
ALWAYS DISCOVERING,
ALWAYS LEARNING?
YEAH. YOU KEEP
OVERTHINKING LIFE.
I'M GOING TO GO GET US A
COUPLE OF SPACE CHURROS.
SEE? SOMEBODY
BROKE INTO THE ROOM!
LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
EXACTLY! THEY
CLEANED EVERYTHING,
MADE THE BEDS,
REWRAPPED THE SOAP,
SANITIZED THE TOILET
FOR MY PROTECTION.
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!
THE MAID WAS HERE.
THE MAID?
THERE'S A MAID?
HOUSEKEEPING.
HERE.
IT'S A WHOLE BOOK OF SERVICES
THE HOTEL HAS TO OFFER.
"DRY-CLEANING, WAKE-UP CALLS,
IN-ROOM DINING"?
YES, MA'AM.
ROOM SERVICE.
ROOM SERVICE.
ROOM...
SERVICE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
NO, MA'AM.
WE'RE IN HEAVEN!
YOU, MY GOOD MAN,
ARE THE ASSISTANT
MANAGER OF HEAVEN!
THANK YOU, MA'AM.
BYE-BYE.
HI. YES, UM...
THIS IS SALLY
SOLOMON IN ROOM 605.
CAN I GET A TURKEY SANDWICH?
I CAN?
CAN I GET 10?
[APPLAUSE] [APPLAUSE]
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!
HAILING FREQUENCIES
OPEN, EVERYBODY!
I'M GEORGE TAKEI.
SEEING ALL OF YOU HERE
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN,
ALMOST AS IF, AS
MR. SULU ONCE SAID,
"MY CHRONOMETER'S
RUNNING BACKWARDS."
HA!
YOU PEOPLE ARE LIVING A LIE.
LOOK AT YOURSELVES:
EMBRACING NEGATIVE
ALIEN STEREOTYPES.
DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK
THAT MAYBE ALIENS ARE
FRIENDLY, KIND, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE?
UH, SECURITY?
HATH NOT AN ALIEN
EYES OR BUTTOCKS?
IF YOU PRICK AN ALIEN,
DOES IT NOT SAY, "OW! OW! OW!"
WE SHOULD NOT
EMBRACE SCIENCE FICTION.
SCREW SCI-FI!
INSTEAD, WE SHOULD
EMBRACE SCIENCE FACTS...
SCI-FAC.
UM, HARRY, LET'S GO.
LONG LIVE SCI-FAC.
YOU THERE, FORGET THE WINDOWS
AND SCRUB THAT SINK UNTIL
I SEE MY FACE IN IT. THANKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OOH! COMING!
GOOD AFTERNOON, MA'AM.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
I'M HERE TO PICK UP
YOUR DRY-CLEANING.
YES. THAT PILE OVER
THERE ON THE LUGGAGE.
HELL, DO THE LUGGAGE, TOO.
SALLY, I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE.
OH, WELL, YOU'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING
BY NOT TELLING HER, HONEY.
DARLING, WHEN YOU'RE
DONE WITH THE BATHROOM,
DUST THE CREDENZA AND
FERTILIZE THE POTTED PLANTS!
I WANT THEM BLOOMING
AND MAKING ME HAPPY!
I CAME HERE WITH THE SOLE
PURPOSE OF COMING CLEAN,
AND NOW I JUST FEEL SO DIRTY.
JUST TAKE A BUBBLE BATH.
YOU KNOW, THE TUB'S GOT
BEAUTIFULLY POSITIONED JETS,
AND THE SHOWER
TURNS INTO A SAUNA.
"DIRTY" WAS A
METAPHOR, LIEUTENANT.
I'M SURE IT WAS, HONEY.
HI. YES. COULD WE GET SOME
EUCALYPTUS OIL UP HERE
AND A COUPLE OF BIG
FAT LOOFAHS? THANKS.
SALLY?
HELLO, BOYS.
WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?
ROOM SERVICE.
ROOM SERVICE. ROOM SERVICE.
IF I WANT A TOWEL,
THEY SEND IT UP.
IF I WANT A RADISH,
THEY SEND IT UP.
THEY SENT UP A LAPTOP,
A FAX, A VCR, AND WHY?
BECAUSE UNTIL CHECKOUT
TIME TOMORROW,
I'M THEIR QUEEN!
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I AM!
I'LL BE DOWN IN MY ROOM.
OOH! ARE THESE
CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES?
HEY! GET YOUR OWN
FRENCH SAMPLER.
HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF,
DECEIVING THE PERSON YOU
LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF A MISSION?
LOOK AT YOU!
YOU'RE GORGEOUS!
Mary: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
OH, NO. NOTHING.
Tell her! Tell her!
BUT HOW?
STAND BACK, EARTH MAN,
AND PREPARE TO BE
DEMOLECULARIZED
IN WAYS YOU'VE NEVER IMAGINED.
MARY?
I'M NOT MARY.
I AM UMA FROM THE
PLANET THURMAN.
REMOVE YOUR EARTH PANTS!
ANY RESISTANCE
WILL BE FUTILE, HUMAN!
"HUMAN."
BUT I'M NOT HUMAN.
I'VE BEEN DECEIVING YOU.
I'M AN ALIEN FROM A PLANET
IN THE BARRED SPIRAL GALAXY
ON THE CEPHEUS/DRACO BORDER.
I WAS SENT HERE BY OUR
LEADER, THE BIG GIANT HEAD,
TO EXPLORE THIS PLANET.
DICK SOLOMON IS JUST A FACADE,
HIDING, A QUIVERING PURPLE TUBE.
I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER,
AND THIS IS MY SALUTE!
OH, REALLY?
I'VE SEEN YOUR PLANET.
IT IS A SAVAGE PLACE
AND MUST BE CONQUERED.
OH, MARY.
OW! OW!
AH! OOH!
OH!
THIS IS HARRY SOLOMON.
I'D LIKE TO GET ANOTHER MASSAGE
'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO
FEEL A LITTLE TENSE AGAIN.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
OH, WHAT IS IT?
HMM. LOOKS LIKE A LIST
OF EVERYTHING WE GOT
WHILE WE WERE HERE.
"LOBSTER, LOBSTER,
LOBSTER, LOBSTER..."
HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THAT NUMBER
RIGHT THERE AT THE BOTTOM?
THAT'S PROBABLY THE
POPULATION OF CLEVELAND
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
UH, THAT'S YOUR BILL.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
OOH! OH, MY GOD. NO WAY.
OH, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
HARRY, GET ME THE
LAPTOP, THE MODEM,
THE MAGNETIC STRIP KEY
THAT GOT US INTO THIS ROOM,
AND A SHOWER CAP.
GOOD MORNING, MR. TAKEI.
GOOD MORNING. I'M CHECKING OUT.
OH, OF COURSE.
HERE'S YOUR BILL, SIR.
$3,000?
WELL, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. I CAN AFFORD IT.
I'M A FAMOUS ACTOR.
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S $30,000, MR. TAKEI.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
OH, MY.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
"14 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE"?
"SHRIMP COCKTAILS"?
HUH? SOME "PITA CHIPS"?
LOOK, I HAD A TOBLERONE
AND 2 GINGER ALES.
THAT'S IT!
"7 MASSAGES"?
HOW COULD I GET 7 MASSAGES?
DO I LOOK RELAXED? DO I?
WHAT'S THIS?
ALL RIGHT, SO I TOOK ONE TOWEL.
ONE TOWEL!
I'M GEORGE TAKEI, DAMN IT!
[PANTING] [PANTING]
ALIENS ARE NOT LIKE THAT.
THE SENSELESS VIOLENCE.
THE MINDLESS GORE.
THE INCREDIBLE SOUND SYSTEM.
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
30 SPEAKERS IN THAT PLACE.
THAT MOVIE KICKED BUTT.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
THEY PORTRAYED ALIENS
AS VICIOUS MONSTERS.
THEY BLEW UP THE DEPARTMENT
OF TRANSPORTATION.
Man: HEY, HEY, DO YOU MIND?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET.
WHAT DO I CARE? I
DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.
YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU
THINK IT WAS COOL
WHEN THAT THING'S TONGUE SPLIT OPEN
AND STRANGLED THOSE 8 ARMY GUYS?
YEAH. OK, THAT WAS COOL,
BUT ONLY THAT.
ONLY BECAUSE IT MADE ME
SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.
DICK, THEY HAVE TO
MAKE THE ALIENS SCARY.
THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
SUCKING THE BRAINS OUT
OF ALL THOSE ZOO ANIMALS
IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT!
Man: HEY, WILL SOMEBODY
MAKE THAT GUY SHUT UP?
IT'S HOW THESE
PEOPLE THINK OF US.
THEY DIDN'T CARE WHETHER
THE ALIENS WERE GOOD OR BAD,
THEY JUST WANTED THEM DEAD.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
MARY... SHE'S ALREADY
SEEN THIS MOVIE.
SO? SHE DOESN'T KNOW
YOU'RE AN ALIEN... DOES SHE?
OH, PLEASE.
DOES SHE?
I SAID, "OH, PLEASE."
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?
DOES SHE? DOES SHE?
NO!
ATTENTION, TICKET HOLDERS!
LISTEN UP.
AT THE END OF THE MOVIE
WHEN THE PRESIDENT
TURNS OUT TO BE AN ALIEN
AND HE BARBECUES
ALL THE CONGRESSMEN,
DON'T BELIEVE IT, OK?
BECAUSE ALIENS HATE BARBECUE!
IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
ALL RIGHTIE.
AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU.
DID YOU HEAR THAT GUY?
HE HASN'T EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE
YET, AND ALREADY HE WANTS TO KILL US!
WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO LAY LOW
UNTIL THIS MANIA PASSES OVER.
MAYBE BUILD A BUNKER!
NO! WE CAN'T HIDE.
I SAY WE COME OUT OF THE
BUNKER AND INTO THE STREET.
I SAY WE HOLD AN
ALIEN PRIDE PARADE.
WE'LL ALL GET TOGETHER,
AND WE'LL PROVE
THAT WE'RE ALL...
HUMANS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY
AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
HELLO, RUTHERFORD BUGLE?
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO
YOUR FILM CRITIC, PLEASE.
OH, WELL, THEN WILL YOU TELL HIM
THAT I JUST SAW
DAWN OF THE ALIENS
AND IT WAS NOT WHAM-BAM.
IT WAS NOT A SLAM-DUNK.
I WAS NEVER ON THE
EDGE OF MY SEAT,
AND THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
DID NOT MAKE MY EYES POP OUT!
THERE'S NO CREAM IN HERE!
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BITE MY HEAD OFF.
NINA, WE DON'T DO THAT.
HELLO, DICK.
OH, MARY.
YOU NOTICE HOW I'M BEING GENTLE
AND NOT SQUEEZING YOUR BODY
UNTIL YOUR SPLEEN
SHOOTS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?
YES. I NOTICED THAT. THANK YOU.
OH! SPEAKING OF SPLEENS!
DID YOU SEE DAWN OF THE ALIENS?
OH, WASN'T THAT MOVIE GREAT!
IT WAS 2 HOURS AND 4 MINUTES
OF HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE LIES.
I LIKED IT.
ME, TOO. I WAS ON
THE EDGE OF MY SEAT.
WHY WOULD THEY PORTRAY
ALIENS AS HIDEOUS, EVIL MUTANTS?
WHY CAN'T THEY BE SWEET
AND WELL-MANNERED?
WELL, I DON'T PAY 7 BUCKS
TO SEE AN ALIEN
PLAY WITH A PUPPY.
AT THAT PRICE, HE BETTER EAT IT.
TOMMY?
TOMMY.
THEY'RE HAVING A SCI-FI
CONVENTION IN CLEVELAND.
"MEET ALL THE ALIENS FROM YOUR
FAVORITE TV SHOWS AND MOVIES
"AND STAR TREK'S
MR. SULU, GEORGE TAKEI,
"WILL BE SIGNING
COPIES OF HIS NEW BOOK,
WARP SPEED, DAMN IT! THE
COMPLETE RANTS OF WILLIAM SHATNER."
THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT PLACE
TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND
HOW WRONG THEIR
IMPRESSIONS OF US ALIENS ARE,
OR WE COULD JUST BLOW
THE WHOLE DAMN PLACE UP.
WOULD YOU GUYS LIFT
YOUR FEET, PLEASE?
LIFT YOUR FEET.
LIFT FEET!
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
SALLY, TURN OFF
YOUR SUCKING DEVICE.
WHAT IS IT?
I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.
I'VE MADE THE MOST DIFFICULT DECISION I'VE
HAD TO MAKE SINCE COMING TO THIS PLANET.
YOU'RE GIVING UP TIDY WHITIES
AND SWITCHING TO BOXERS? NO!
IT'S NOT ABOUT UNDERWEAR, HARRY,
ALTHOUGH I HAVE SWITCHED.
OH! OH! OH!
I'VE DECIDED TO TELL MARY
THAT I AM WHAT HUMANS WOULD
CALL, IN THEIR GALACTOCENTRIC WAY,
AN ALIEN.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
DICK, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
YOU'VE NEVER BLOWN YOUR
COVER ON ANY OTHER MISSION.
I NEVER FELT THE NEED TO.
I KEEP HAVING THESE FEELINGS.
AY-YI-YI! AY-YI-YI! AY-YI-YI!
IT'S THIS FLESHY
HUMAN SLIPCOVER.
OH, SURE. IT'S
DASHING, TALL, MANLY...
WASHABLE...
BUT SOMEHOW IT JUST
MAKES ME FEEL SO AWFUL
ABOUT DECEIVING
THE WOMAN I LOVE.
ALL RIGHT. OK, LOOK.
LET'S JUST THINK THIS
THING THROUGH, OK?
HERE. I'LL BE HER.
HERE I AM. I'M MARY
SITTING AT MY DESK.
YOU COME IN AND TELL ME.
HELLO, MARY.
DICK.
YOU LOOK HANDSOME TODAY.
YOU LOOK MORE
BEAUTIFUL THAN EVER.
WHOA! WHOA! BLEH! OH.
EW! OH.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
LET'S JUST START OVER.
HELLO, MARY.
DICK.
I CAN'T KISS YOU TODAY
BECAUSE I'VE GOT THE FLU.
AS DO I.
MARY...
I AM AN ALIEN.
AAH!
SHE'S DEAD!
YOU KILLED HER,
YOU ALIEN BASTARD!
WHY?
WHY?!
THIS IS NONSENSE!
I'M GOING TO TELL HER.
YOU'RE GOING TO
GET US ALL KILLED.
I'M ONLY TELLING ONE PERSON.
SIR, AS SECURITY
OFFICER, I FORBID IT.
AND AS HIGH COMMANDER,
I HAVE TO SAY TOUGH
TOENAILS, LIEUTENANT!
FINE. LET IT BE ON YOUR HEAD.
WHICH IS GOING TO BE
SITTING NEXT TO OURS
ON A TRAY SOMEWHERE
IN NEW MEXICO.
I'M TELLING YOU, DICK,
HUMANS CANNOT HANDLE
THIS KIND OF INFORMATION.
MARY CAN.
I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
THE RIGHT SETTING,
THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE,
WHERE THE ELEGANT BEAUTY OF
OUR MAGNIFICENT SURROUNDINGS
HELP HER TO EMBRACE THE TRUTH...
AND ME.
THEY'RE HAVING A SCI-FI
CONVENTION IN CLEVELAND.
PERFECT!
PACK YOUR BAGS, KIDS,
WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP!
SWEET!
I... OOH!
OH!
AHH!
OHH! LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
OHH!
OUR FIRST HOTEL ROOM!
WOW!
WHY DO I SUDDENLY HAVE
THE URGE TO TRASH IT?
HEY, YOU GUYS, LOOK
AT THIS TINY BOTTLE
I FOUND IN THE BATHROOM:
EVIDENCE OF A SUPERIOR
RACE OF TINY PEOPLE.
HOW CAN YOU TELL
THEY'RE SUPERIOR?
BECAUSE IT'S A SHAMPOO
AND CONDITIONER IN ONE.
AH.
WOW, A TINY FRIDGE FILLED
WITH TINY BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL
AND TINY BAGS OF MACADAMIA NUTS!
WOW, THESE PEOPLE MIGHT BE TINY,
BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO PARTY!
HOW DID THEY GET UP ON THE BED?
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE
ALL DRUNK AND FAT ON NUTS.
JUST TELL ME WHEN.
WHEN.
WHEN I'VE POURED ENOUGH TO
SLAKE YOUR THIRST FOR CHAMPAGNE.
WHEN.
WHENEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES.
WHEN! STOP NOW!
NOW?
YEAH! YES, NOW! NOW!
WITH HALF A BOTTLE
FOR ONE GLASS,
YOU ARE A WILD WOMAN,
BUT, THEN, I ACCEPT THAT.
I MAY BE WILD, BUT
I'M NOT GOING TO BITE.
AND NEITHER WILL I, AND
THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.
THERE WILL BE NO
BITING, NO BLOODLETTING,
NO CRANIAL EXPLOSIONS.
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
ALL RIGHT, MARY.
YOU'VE SNIFFED ME OUT.
I BROUGHT YOU HERE UNDER
THE GUISE OF A ROMANTIC HOLIDAY
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT MYSELF.
THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.
I... I DON'T WANT
YOU TO JUDGE ME.
I NEVER JUDGE YOU.
SOMETIMES I DO...
OFTEN.
ALWAYS.
I'LL TRY NOT TO THIS TIME.
MARY, BEFORE I MET YOU, I
WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
I WAS FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE,
AND EVER SINCE I
LEFT THAT PLACE,
I'VE BEEN FIGHTING
SO HARD TO FIT IN,
AND IF EVER ANYONE FOUND
OUT, I'D HAVE TO GO BACK
BECAUSE I COULD NEVER LIVE
IN THIS WORLD ANY LONGER.
OH, DICK...
WERE YOU IN A...
CLINIC?
CLINIC?
IT'S OK.
SO WAS I!
OH! OH.
WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE GOING TO THE
SCI-FI CONVENTION.
[IMITATES HEARTBEAT]
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT
THIS SCI-FI CONVENTION ANYWAY?
WELL, DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
TO TAKE A STAND,
TO PROTEST HOW THE REST OF
THE WORLD IS TREATING OUR KIND.
SO YOU WANT TO BE SOME KIND
OF ALIEN MARTIN LUTHER KING?
EXACTLY.
BECAUSE I, TOO, HAVE A DREAM,
AND IN THAT DREAM I'M
NAKED ON A FERRIS WHEEL.
I'LL MEET YOU GUYS
DOWN IN THE LOBBY.
I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE
DICK HASN'T BLOWN OUR COVER.
OH, SALLY, THERE'S A
NOTE FOR YOU ON THE DOOR.
"PLEASE MAKE UP ROOM."
ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO IT
WHEN WE GET BACK!
WE'RE GOING TO THE
SCI-FI CONVENTION!
I'VE NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THIS BEFORE,
BUT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
9, 10...
17...
I WAS FAT.
OH. HOW FAT?
FAT ENOUGH THAT
EVERYBODY MADE FUN OF ME.
FAT AS A COW? IS THAT HOW FAT?
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
NO. NO. SORRY. GO ON.
ANYWAY, INSTEAD OF
REACHING OUT FOR HELP,
I TURNED INWARD AND BECAME
BITTER AND DISILLUSIONED
WITH THE WORLD AROUND ME.
300 POUNDS? 400?
DICK!
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. GO ON.
MY PARENTS JUST MADE IT WORSE.
THEY HAD THIS NOTION
THAT I WAS GOING TO BE
AN OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER.
THEY FORCED ME INTO A LEOTARD.
I LOOKED LIKE A SAUSAGE
IN PURPLE VELOUR CASING,
AND WHEN I SKATED...
THEY CALLED ME THE ZAMBONI.
THEN ONE DAY, I...
I CRACKED.
THE ICE?
MENTALLY!
I CRACKED MENTALLY.
MENTALLY. MENTALLY.
MY PARENTS SENT ME
TO A SPECIAL PLACE...
CAMP KNOCK-A-LOT-O'-WEIGHT-OFF.
OH, MY, THAT'S JUST TERRIBLE.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, NO, NO. IT'S FINE, REALLY.
THANKS FOR LETTING
ME CONFIDE IN YOU.
NOW...
WHY WERE YOU IN A CLINIC?
OH, UH, WELL, FUNNY STORY.
I WAS, UH... HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
NOT.
WHAT?
HERE IT GOES. I AM...
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
JUST HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
SALLY!
HI. I NEED TO TALK TO DICK
FOR A SECOND IN PRIVATE.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME
LITTLE GIRLIE THING
YOU NEED TO DO IN THE BATHROOM?
THEN JUST GO SIT IN THERE.
EXCUSE ME?
YOU'RE EXCUSED.
WHAT? UH...
WELL!
I JUST WANTED...
SHH!
THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO
POURING MY HEART OUT.
THEN I ARRIVED JUST IN TIME.
SHE JUST TOLD ME ONE
OF HER DEEPEST SECRETS.
SHE USED TO BE FAT.
FAT AS A COW, IS THAT HOW FAT?
THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
YOU'RE RIGHT. THE POINT
IS SHE CAN'T KEEP A SECRET.
I MEAN, YOU TELL HER, AND
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THE AIR FORCE HAS SEALED
OFF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
THAT'S A RISK I'M
WILLING TO TAKE.
OK, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE:
YOU TELL HER YOU'RE AN ALIEN,
AND SHE FREAKS OUT, RUNS AWAY,
AND YOU NEVER SEE
HER AGAIN... EVER.
OH.
WELL, IN MY SCENARIO,
SHE COMES RUNNING INTO MY ARMS.
WELL, IT'S JUST A RISK
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE...
ALIEN.
IT IS FASCINATING,
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
WHAT?
WELL, HOW THESE PEOPLE FULFILL
THEIR LIVES THROUGH FANTASY.
IT'S LIKE THOSE GUYS THAT
SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME
READING THOSE FAKE
LETTERS IN PENTHOUSE.
THEY'RE FAKE?
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT
THESE PEOPLE WOULD DO
IF THEY MET AN ACTUAL ALIEN?
THEY WOULD COMPLETELY FREAK OUT.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IN A WAY, AREN'T WE ALL ALIENS?
I MEAN, WE EMERGE FROM
WEIGHTLESS ENVIRONMENTS,
SEEING EVERYTHING
FOR THE FIRST TIME
WITH CURIOUS NEW EYES,
EVERY EMOTION BRAND-NEW,
ALWAYS DISCOVERING,
ALWAYS LEARNING?
YEAH. YOU KEEP
OVERTHINKING LIFE.
I'M GOING TO GO GET US A
COUPLE OF SPACE CHURROS.
SEE? SOMEBODY
BROKE INTO THE ROOM!
LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
EXACTLY! THEY
CLEANED EVERYTHING,
MADE THE BEDS,
REWRAPPED THE SOAP,
SANITIZED THE TOILET
FOR MY PROTECTION.
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK!
THE MAID WAS HERE.
THE MAID?
THERE'S A MAID?
HOUSEKEEPING.
HERE.
IT'S A WHOLE BOOK OF SERVICES
THE HOTEL HAS TO OFFER.
"DRY-CLEANING, WAKE-UP CALLS,
IN-ROOM DINING"?
YES, MA'AM.
ROOM SERVICE.
ROOM SERVICE.
ROOM...
SERVICE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
NO, MA'AM.
WE'RE IN HEAVEN!
YOU, MY GOOD MAN,
ARE THE ASSISTANT
MANAGER OF HEAVEN!
THANK YOU, MA'AM.
BYE-BYE.
HI. YES, UM...
THIS IS SALLY
SOLOMON IN ROOM 605.
CAN I GET A TURKEY SANDWICH?
I CAN?
CAN I GET 10?
[APPLAUSE] [APPLAUSE]
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!
HAILING FREQUENCIES
OPEN, EVERYBODY!
I'M GEORGE TAKEI.
SEEING ALL OF YOU HERE
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN,
ALMOST AS IF, AS
MR. SULU ONCE SAID,
"MY CHRONOMETER'S
RUNNING BACKWARDS."
HA!
YOU PEOPLE ARE LIVING A LIE.
LOOK AT YOURSELVES:
EMBRACING NEGATIVE
ALIEN STEREOTYPES.
DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK
THAT MAYBE ALIENS ARE
FRIENDLY, KIND, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE?
UH, SECURITY?
HATH NOT AN ALIEN
EYES OR BUTTOCKS?
IF YOU PRICK AN ALIEN,
DOES IT NOT SAY, "OW! OW! OW!"
WE SHOULD NOT
EMBRACE SCIENCE FICTION.
SCREW SCI-FI!
INSTEAD, WE SHOULD
EMBRACE SCIENCE FACTS...
SCI-FAC.
UM, HARRY, LET'S GO.
LONG LIVE SCI-FAC.
YOU THERE, FORGET THE WINDOWS
AND SCRUB THAT SINK UNTIL
I SEE MY FACE IN IT. THANKS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OOH! COMING!
GOOD AFTERNOON, MA'AM.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
I'M HERE TO PICK UP
YOUR DRY-CLEANING.
YES. THAT PILE OVER
THERE ON THE LUGGAGE.
HELL, DO THE LUGGAGE, TOO.
SALLY, I JUST FEEL TERRIBLE.
OH, WELL, YOU'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING
BY NOT TELLING HER, HONEY.
DARLING, WHEN YOU'RE
DONE WITH THE BATHROOM,
DUST THE CREDENZA AND
FERTILIZE THE POTTED PLANTS!
I WANT THEM BLOOMING
AND MAKING ME HAPPY!
I CAME HERE WITH THE SOLE
PURPOSE OF COMING CLEAN,
AND NOW I JUST FEEL SO DIRTY.
JUST TAKE A BUBBLE BATH.
YOU KNOW, THE TUB'S GOT
BEAUTIFULLY POSITIONED JETS,
AND THE SHOWER
TURNS INTO A SAUNA.
"DIRTY" WAS A
METAPHOR, LIEUTENANT.
I'M SURE IT WAS, HONEY.
HI. YES. COULD WE GET SOME
EUCALYPTUS OIL UP HERE
AND A COUPLE OF BIG
FAT LOOFAHS? THANKS.
SALLY?
HELLO, BOYS.
WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?
ROOM SERVICE.
ROOM SERVICE. ROOM SERVICE.
IF I WANT A TOWEL,
THEY SEND IT UP.
IF I WANT A RADISH,
THEY SEND IT UP.
THEY SENT UP A LAPTOP,
A FAX, A VCR, AND WHY?
BECAUSE UNTIL CHECKOUT
TIME TOMORROW,
I'M THEIR QUEEN!
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I AM!
I'LL BE DOWN IN MY ROOM.
OOH! ARE THESE
CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES?
HEY! GET YOUR OWN
FRENCH SAMPLER.
HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF,
DECEIVING THE PERSON YOU
LOVE FOR THE SAKE OF A MISSION?
LOOK AT YOU!
YOU'RE GORGEOUS!
Mary: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
OH, NO. NOTHING.
Tell her! Tell her!
BUT HOW?
STAND BACK, EARTH MAN,
AND PREPARE TO BE
DEMOLECULARIZED
IN WAYS YOU'VE NEVER IMAGINED.
MARY?
I'M NOT MARY.
I AM UMA FROM THE
PLANET THURMAN.
REMOVE YOUR EARTH PANTS!
ANY RESISTANCE
WILL BE FUTILE, HUMAN!
"HUMAN."
BUT I'M NOT HUMAN.
I'VE BEEN DECEIVING YOU.
I'M AN ALIEN FROM A PLANET
IN THE BARRED SPIRAL GALAXY
ON THE CEPHEUS/DRACO BORDER.
I WAS SENT HERE BY OUR
LEADER, THE BIG GIANT HEAD,
TO EXPLORE THIS PLANET.
DICK SOLOMON IS JUST A FACADE,
HIDING, A QUIVERING PURPLE TUBE.
I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER,
AND THIS IS MY SALUTE!
OH, REALLY?
I'VE SEEN YOUR PLANET.
IT IS A SAVAGE PLACE
AND MUST BE CONQUERED.
OH, MARY.
OW! OW!
AH! OOH!
OH!
THIS IS HARRY SOLOMON.
I'D LIKE TO GET ANOTHER MASSAGE
'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO
FEEL A LITTLE TENSE AGAIN.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
OH, WHAT IS IT?
HMM. LOOKS LIKE A LIST
OF EVERYTHING WE GOT
WHILE WE WERE HERE.
"LOBSTER, LOBSTER,
LOBSTER, LOBSTER..."
HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THAT NUMBER
RIGHT THERE AT THE BOTTOM?
THAT'S PROBABLY THE
POPULATION OF CLEVELAND
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
UH, THAT'S YOUR BILL.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
OOH! OH, MY GOD. NO WAY.
OH, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
HARRY, GET ME THE
LAPTOP, THE MODEM,
THE MAGNETIC STRIP KEY
THAT GOT US INTO THIS ROOM,
AND A SHOWER CAP.
GOOD MORNING, MR. TAKEI.
GOOD MORNING. I'M CHECKING OUT.
OH, OF COURSE.
HERE'S YOUR BILL, SIR.
$3,000?
WELL, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. I CAN AFFORD IT.
I'M A FAMOUS ACTOR.
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S $30,000, MR. TAKEI.
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
OH, MY.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
"14 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE"?
"SHRIMP COCKTAILS"?
HUH? SOME "PITA CHIPS"?
LOOK, I HAD A TOBLERONE
AND 2 GINGER ALES.
THAT'S IT!
"7 MASSAGES"?
HOW COULD I GET 7 MASSAGES?
DO I LOOK RELAXED? DO I?
WHAT'S THIS?
ALL RIGHT, SO I TOOK ONE TOWEL.
ONE TOWEL!
I'M GEORGE TAKEI, DAMN IT!