3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 2 - See Dick Continue to Run: Part 2 - full transcript
The Solomons have freed Dick and now he's after his replacement.
LAST TIME ON THIRD
ROCK FROM THE SUN,
AFTER TRAPPING ME
IN AN INVISIBLE BOX,
MY EVIL REPLACEMENT
CONTINUED HIS DIABOLICAL PLOT
TO RULE THE WORLD.
NOT KNOWING HIS TRUE IDENTITY, MY BELOVED
MARY MADE A DATE WITH THE SCOUNDREL.
BUT JUST AS I THOUGHT MY
PLIGHT WAS LOST FOREVER
MY ENTRAPMENT WAS CLEVERLY
DISCOVERED BY MY STELLER CREW.
AAH!
OH, YOU GUYS.
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BOX.
OW!
WOW, THAT SMARTS!
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK
HIDEOUS TOMORROW.
YOU THINK?
THERE'S THIS GIRL I
KNEW. SHE HAD HER NOSE...
MR. RANDALL'S COMING OVER.
HELLO! I'M TRAPPED
IN A BOX HERE.
OK.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO
OPEN ONE OF THESE THINGS?
WE KNOW WE CAN'T SMASH
IT OPEN WITH OUR HEADS.
TOMMY, GO GET A HAMMER.
NOBODY'S GETTING A HAMMER.
GET A HAMMER. THAT'S AN ORDER.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU
CAN'T GIVE US ORDERS.
[BLUSTERING]
OF ALL THE INSOLENT...
DICK, YOU ARE NO LONGER
THE HIGH COMMANDER.
OHH!
I'M SORRY.
IF WE LET YOU OUT OF THAT BOX,
WELL, THAT'S... THAT'S MUTINY.
MUTINY SCHMUTINY.
BIG FAT DUTINY.
NO, I'M SICK OF THE NEW DICK.
THIS DICK, HE'S ONE OF US.
YOU KNOW, SO MAYBE
HE'S NOT PERFECT.
MAYBE HIS LEADERSHIP
SKILLS VERGE ON THE PATHETIC.
MAYBE HIS INCOMPETENCE
HAS MADE OUR MISSION
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK...
I THINK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.
I HAVEN'T MADE MY POINT.
THE POINT IS
THAT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN
THERE FOR THE THREE OF US,
AND IT'S TIME THE THREE
OF US TAKE A STAND FOR HIM.
SURE, THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE THE
RESPONSIBILITY I DO.
IF WE LET HIM OUT OF THAT BOX
AND THE BIG GIANT
HEAD GETS WIND OF IT,
WHO DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA TAKE THE FALL,
THE INFORMATION OFFICER?
THE TRANSMITTER?
I DON'T THINK SO. IT'S
GONNA BE ME, THE WOMAN.
TYPICAL!
Dick: SALLY!
SALLY, THINK OF ALL WE'VE
BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER.
WHEN BRAD DUMPED YOU,
WHO ORDERED YOU TO
DRINK YOURSELF SILLY...
UNTIL YOU COMPLETELY
DROWNED YOUR FEELINGS FOR HIM?
YOU DID.
AND WHEN I RAN OVER
YOUR FOOT WITH THE CAR...
WHO DROVE YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL THE VERY NEXT DAY?
YOU DID.
WHEN YOU WERE HUNGRY
THAT DAY IN THE PARK,
WHO STOLE THAT LITTLE
GIRL'S ICE CREAM CONE?
TOMMY DID THAT.
IT WAS MY IDEA.
TRUE. IT WAS.
SIR, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CAN'T LET YOU ROT IN THIS BOX.
I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, GUYS. BLOOD
IS THICKER THAN WATER.
IT IS?
I THINK.
IT'S NOT AS THICK
AS PEANUT BUTTER.
[ALL ARGUING AT ONCE]
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
THE LIGHTING IS ROMANTIC.
THE CHAMPAGNE CHILLED...
AND NOW...
FOR SOME...
EROTIC LITERATURE.
"MAKE SURE THE 2x4 STUDS ARE
CLEATED TO THE FLOOR PLATES
BEFORE APPLYING THE WALLBOARD."
PERFECT.
Mary: YOO-HOO!
COME ON UP.
OH, I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH THE PLACE.
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE...
THE BEDROOM.
TONIGHT IS ABOUT PLEASURE.
A JOURNEY INTO THE...
TABOO.
I WILL LET NOTHING
DESTROY THE MOOD.
[BANJO-PICKING
BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS]
NOTHING.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO RECORD]
♪ EASY LIVING ♪
♪ EASY TO LIVE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE ♪
♪ I'M SO IN LOVE ♪
OH, I'VE SEEN THESE.
OH, MY GOD! WHOA!
OOH! OHH!
AH, CLAP OFF, HUH?
I'M FREE.
I'M FREE!
I'M FREE!
I'M FREE!
OHH!
THERE'S SO MUCH I'VE MISSED.
FRESH AIR,
THE SMELL OF BACON FRYING,
WATCHING TALK SHOWS WITH HARRY.
I DIDN'T MISS JERRY SPRINGER'S
"BIKER CHICK MAKEOVER," DID I?
IT WAS TUESDAY.
OH, DAMN!
SALLY, WHY ARE YOU
WEARING THAT SKIRT?
IT MAKES YOU LOOK SO FRUMPY.
OH! I KNEW IT.
THAT DICK UPSTAIRS SAID
THIS LOOK WORKED FOR ME.
I HATE HIM!
HE CRASHED THE RAMBLER.
CHANGED MY NAME TO TOMMY.
WELL, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU?
HE CALLS ME TOMMY, TOO.
IS THAT TOMMY AND THE NUMBER 2?
OH, I DON'T KNOW!
THE GUY'S A MAJOR HEAD CASE.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
NO ONE DICTATES HUMILIATING
AND IRRATIONAL EDICTS
TO MY FAMILY.
THAT'S MY JOB! COME ON.
OHHH!
AND NOBODY BETTER HAVE
TOUCHED MY STRAWBERRIES.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
MARY.
WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH HIM?
LOOKS LIKE HE'S
PLUGGING HER PIE HOLE.
I THINK SHE LIKES IT, DICK.
DICK?
DICK?
DICK.
COME ON, DICK.
OH, WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM?
I MEAN, SURE, HE'S GORGEOUS,
BUT IT'S ALL PART OF
HIS DEPRAVED SCHEME.
HOW DARE HE. HOW DARE SHE.
DID WHAT WE HAVE
MEAN NOTHING TO HER?
WAIT. SHE THINKS HE'S ME...
BUT HE'S GOING TO GET HER...
BECAUSE HE'S DECEIVING HER,
AND SHE'LL BE HIS FOREVER.
IN A WAY, MINE,
BUT SHE LIKES ME.
I OUGHTA... BUT SHE... I...
DICK, HEY, SNAP OUT OF IT.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION HERE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'VE GOT IT.
WE'RE MOVING TO FLORIDA.
WHAT? WHAT?
IT'S WARM ALL THE
TIME, THE LAND IS CHEAP,
AND THE FISHING... BASS
AS BIG AS YOUR ARM.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS AFTERNOON WHEN
I WAS WITH ALBRIGHT
ARRANGING THIS DATE, SHE...
YOU ARRANGED THIS DATE?
YEAH, BUT THE POINT IS...
YOU SET THIS UP?
WHAT, ARE YOU HIS PIMP?
NO, NO. IF YOU'D LET
ME FINISH, I'LL EXPLAIN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE...
DICK, GET A GRIP AND
LISTEN TO HER FOR A SECOND.
THE POINT IS, DICK, IS THAT I TRIED
TO TALK HER OUT OF THIS DATE,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO
ME BECAUSE... DON'T ASK ME WHY...
SHE HAS SOME SORT OF
EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO YOU.
SHE SAID THAT?
SHE CARES ABOUT YOU SO MUCH,
SHE IS UPSTAIRS ABOUT TO
HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN.
SHE WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
IF YOU DON'T STOP HER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT
TYRANT HAS GONE TOO FAR.
I MUST DEFEAT THAT MAN!
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT EARLIER.
OK, HERE'S THE PLAN.
TOMMY, HARRY, YOU STAY HERE.
SALLY, YOU WATCH MY BACK WHILE
I MAKE A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM.
OK, WELL, THEN WHAT?
I USE THE BATHROOM.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN STUCK
IN A BOX FOR TWO DAYS.
HOLD ON. ENOUGH.
I THINK MY TONGUE
HAS A CHARLEY HORSE.
WELL, SADDLE UP. WE'RE
GOING FOR ANOTHER RIDE.
OOH!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
LAST TIME YOU WERE SO FAST.
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET TO IT?
IT?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW...
IT.
OH, IT.
YOU'LL GET IT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL GET ALL OF
IT THAT YOU WANT.
IT IS ON ITS WAY.
COME ON, DICK. HE'S
TAKING FOREVER.
WHO'S TAKING FOREVER?
TOILET DUCK.
HE'S TACKLING OUR
STUBBORN BUILDUP.
LIEUTENANT, YOU'RE THE WOMAN.
I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
IT, WHAT?
YOU KNOW, IT.
OH, IT.
UM, LET'S GET SOME PRIVACY.
OK, WELL, UM...
UH, IT'S, UH, IT'S
KIND OF INVOLVED.
UM...
YEAH.
EWW.
REALLY?
NO?
AND WOMEN LIKE THAT?
THEY LOVE IT.
AND TO THINK ALL THIS TIME I WAS
JUST WALKING AROUND ON THEM.
OH, MARY.
DICK.
MARY, MARY, MARY, MARY.
OH, NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
OH, I WANT YOU SO BAD.
YOU'VE GOT TO ESCAPE.
YOU WANT ME TO TRY AND GET AWAY?
YOU MUST.
LET ME GO! LET ME GO!
HOW'S THAT?
GET OUT!
WHAT?
IF YOU CLEAR THE
HEDGE, YOU'LL BE FINE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING... EVERYTHING.
OH, MARY, YOU KNOW
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
OH, DICK.
OH, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.
YOU REMEMBER TOMMY.
UH, TELL HER ABOUT
THE SWIM TEAM.
SWIM TEAM? WHAT ARE YOU...
WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T
THE FORMER HIGH COMMANDER.
IT SEEMS THAT I'VE
UNDERESTIMATED YOUR STUPIDITY.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE...
AND HERE'S YOUR SECOND.
LOOK OVER THERE!
WHERE?
AAH!
WHAT'S GOING ON? DICK
IS ACTING SO STRANGELY.
SEE, LISTEN, DR. ALBRIGHT,
DICK, HE'S GOT A
LOT OF BAGGAGE, SEE.
IT'S AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE.
Dick: AAH, STOP!
HA!
Dick: STOP PULLING MY HAIR!
Evil Dick: I'LL
PULL IT IF I WANT!
OH, THAT POOR
THING. I DIDN'T KNOW.
NO. YOU COULDN'T KNOW,
'CAUSE HE'S BEEN AFRAID.
SEE, HE'S BEEN LONELY...
FOR SUCH A LONG TIME,
AND AS THE YEARS WENT BY,
HE FELL INTO DESPAIR
AND LOST ALL HOPE,
FOR WHAT WOMAN COULD
EVER LEARN TO LOVE A BEAST?
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GIVE ME A SECOND, OK?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING HIM?
WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?
WHEN I PULL HIM UP,
BRAIN HIM WITH THE GNOME.
GOTCHA.
I GOT HIM, DICK.
NOW, HELP ME GET
HIM INTO THE CHAIR.
HERE, TIE HIM UP GOOD.
TIE HIM DOWN TIGHT.
OK, WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT?
TIE HIM UP OR TIE HIM DOWN?
BOTH, HARRY.
HURRY. WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM
OUT OF HERE BEFORE MARY SEES HIM.
WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH HIM?
OOH, LET'S TAKE HIM
DOWNSTAIRS TO THE RAMBLER
AND PUT HIM IN THE TRUNK,
LIKE THEY DO ON
THAT SHOW HOMICIDE.
HOMICIDE? HOMICIDE?
LIFE ON THE STREET.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT IDEA. TOMMY, HARRY,
RUN DOWN TO THE RAMBLER
AND CLEAN OUT THE TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SIR.
DON'T BE LONG...
TOMMY.
DON'T TIRE YOURSELF
OUT, COMMANDER.
I WANT YOU TO WITNESS THE
DESTRUCTION MY LITTLE DEVICE WREAKS
ON THE WORLD YOU LOVE SO WELL.
WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE TO OUR TOASTER?
IT'S NOT A TOASTER.
IT'S AN INCUBATOR.
WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON,
MILLIONS OF SPORES WILL BE
RELEASED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE,
SPAWNING A WHOLE NEW RACE...
A RACE OF GROVELING DRONES.
THEY WILL THINK
ALIKE AND TALK ALIKE.
AT TIMES, THEY'LL
EVEN WALK ALIKE,
AND I WILL BE
FATHER TO THEM ALL.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MARY?
OH, DON'T WORRY. I'M
NOT USING THIS ON HER.
I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE
OF HER PERSONALLY.
I'M GOING IN THERE AND
PUTTING MY FEET IN HER PURSE.
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
YOU'RE INSANE!
AND NOT GALLAGHER
INSANE, JUST INSANE!
WE CLEANED OUT
THE RAMBLER, DICK.
OH, YOU WERE ABLE TO
USE THE GRAY DUCT TAPE.
RUN!
NO!
STAY.
STAY AND WITNESS
MY MOMENT OF GLORY,
AS I IMPREGNATE THE ENTIRE POPULATION
OF OHIO WITH MY DEMON PROGENY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. EVEN THE MEN?
OK, NOT THE MEN.
NOT LITTLE GIRLS?
NO, NOT THEM.
WAIT. WHAT ABOUT ELDERLY WOMEN?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT ABOUT WOMEN WHO
ARE ALREADY PREGNANT?
OH, SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!
OK, SO APPARENTLY I WON'T BE
IMPREGNATING THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF OHIO,
BUT ALL FERTILE WOMEN OF CHILD-BEARING
AGE WHO ARE NOT CURRENTLY PREGNANT...
AND THAT'S A LOT. WE'RE
TALKING LOTS OF WOMEN HERE...
WILL SOON FIND THEMSELVES
NOW PREGNANT BY ME.
IT'S AS EASY AS 1...
2...
3.
YES!
YES, THAT WILL SHOW HIM.
NOT THAT I CARE,
BUT, UH, SHOW WHO?
YOUR FATHER... THAT UNFEELING
PURPLE TUBE WHO GAVE YOU LIFE
BUT COULDN'T GIVE YOU LOVE.
YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY FATHER,
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND HIM.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN THE NOW.
THIS IS THE
NINETIES, GIRLFRIEND.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS APPROVAL.
IS IT ANY WONDER I WET MY BED?
I'M WITH YOU.
YOUR FATHER'S GOT YOU ALL
CAUGHT UP IN HIS EMOTIONAL RED TAPE,
AND YOU NEED TO
CUT YOURSELF FREE.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU
THAT YOUR FATHER
WAS HERE TONIGHT?
COME ON OUT!
I'M JUST KIDDING.
HE'S NOT REALLY HERE.
I THINK YOU NEED TO
GO HOME AND FACE HIM.
LET THE CYCLE OF PAIN END HERE.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT!
[SOBBING]
THAT'S IT.
LET IT OUT.
LET IT ALL OUT.
HEY, GUYS.
DENNIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LONG STORY.
I GOT A WEIRD VIBE FROM
YOU GUYS YESTERDAY.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WE REALLY COULD HAVE
USED YOU ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT MOBBED BY
ALL THESE PEOPLE.
I GOT TO FIND A BETTER DISGUISE.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
WOMEN'S CLOTHING?
TRIED IT. DOESN'T WORK.
DENNIS, COULD YOU DO US A FAVOR?
COULD YOU ESCORT THAT
GUY BACK TO THE HOME WORLD?
WHY NOT? I'M GOING
THAT WAY ANYWAY.
I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
WHAT IS IT?
A BIG GIANT NOSE RING.
THANK YOU ALL.
I FEEL THAT I'VE MADE A
BIG BREAKTHROUGH HERE.
WELL, REMEMBER,
NOBODY'S GOING TO RESPECT YOU
UNTIL YOU LEARN TO RESPECT YOURSELF...
BED WETTER.
AND, DENNIS, COULD YOU DISPOSE
OF THIS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?
YOU DID IT!
YOU DID IT.
OH, NO. NOT JUST ME, LIEUTENANT.
I HAD A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS.
COME ON, MAN. OH, STOP.
RICKI LAKE, JERRY
SPRINGER, AND SALLY JESSY.
THANKS.
NOW LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I KNOW THAT IN
THE PAST I WORRIED
THAT WE WATCHED
TOO MUCH TELEVISION.
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS,
GOD BLESS TELEVISION
AND THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH
TELEVISION ENRICHES OUR LIVES.
FROM NOW ON, I ORDER YOU,
WATCH MORE TELEVISION
THAN EVER BEFORE.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
TOMMY, CALL THE
HUT AND GET A PIZZA.
YES, SIR.
HURRY. WARM UP THAT TELEVISION.
AND, SALLY...
GO GET YOURSELF A
DECENT PAIR OF PANTS.
OH, THANK YOU, SIR.
♪ SO DO ME WRONG, BUT DO
ME RIGHT RIGHT NOW, BABY ♪
DR. ALBRIGHT, THE LAST
TIME WE WERE OUT HERE,
YOU SAID SOMETHING TO ME.
YOU SAID YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
IS THAT STILL TRUE?
OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.
BECAUSE OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF
DAYS, YOU'VE SEEN ME AT MY WORST.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT
BEING TOGETHER IS ABOUT.
IF WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP,
I WANT TO HAVE
IT WITH ALL OF YOU,
AND THAT INCLUDES THE DARK SIDE.
YOU KNOW, I CARE ABOUT YOU, TOO.
YOU'VE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WELL, IT'S BEEN A LONG NIGHT,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST
PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME,
AND WE'LL LOOK UP AT THE STARS.
THE STARS.
YES.
THEY LOOK LIKE LOVERS
LOCKED IN A CELESTIAL EMBRACE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LOOK AT THOSE TREES?
THE TREES... THEY
LOOK LIKE LOVERS,
THEIR LIMBS EXPLORING
AND FONDLING EACH OTHER.
HOW ABOUT WE LOOK AT
THAT COUPLE IN THE WINDOW?
WOW. THEY'RE GOING
AT IT LIKE TREES.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS,
NATIONAL BROADCASTING
COMPANY AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
ROCK FROM THE SUN,
AFTER TRAPPING ME
IN AN INVISIBLE BOX,
MY EVIL REPLACEMENT
CONTINUED HIS DIABOLICAL PLOT
TO RULE THE WORLD.
NOT KNOWING HIS TRUE IDENTITY, MY BELOVED
MARY MADE A DATE WITH THE SCOUNDREL.
BUT JUST AS I THOUGHT MY
PLIGHT WAS LOST FOREVER
MY ENTRAPMENT WAS CLEVERLY
DISCOVERED BY MY STELLER CREW.
AAH!
OH, YOU GUYS.
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BOX.
OW!
WOW, THAT SMARTS!
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK
HIDEOUS TOMORROW.
YOU THINK?
THERE'S THIS GIRL I
KNEW. SHE HAD HER NOSE...
MR. RANDALL'S COMING OVER.
HELLO! I'M TRAPPED
IN A BOX HERE.
OK.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO
OPEN ONE OF THESE THINGS?
WE KNOW WE CAN'T SMASH
IT OPEN WITH OUR HEADS.
TOMMY, GO GET A HAMMER.
NOBODY'S GETTING A HAMMER.
GET A HAMMER. THAT'S AN ORDER.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU
CAN'T GIVE US ORDERS.
[BLUSTERING]
OF ALL THE INSOLENT...
DICK, YOU ARE NO LONGER
THE HIGH COMMANDER.
OHH!
I'M SORRY.
IF WE LET YOU OUT OF THAT BOX,
WELL, THAT'S... THAT'S MUTINY.
MUTINY SCHMUTINY.
BIG FAT DUTINY.
NO, I'M SICK OF THE NEW DICK.
THIS DICK, HE'S ONE OF US.
YOU KNOW, SO MAYBE
HE'S NOT PERFECT.
MAYBE HIS LEADERSHIP
SKILLS VERGE ON THE PATHETIC.
MAYBE HIS INCOMPETENCE
HAS MADE OUR MISSION
THE LAUGHINGSTOCK...
I THINK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.
I HAVEN'T MADE MY POINT.
THE POINT IS
THAT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN
THERE FOR THE THREE OF US,
AND IT'S TIME THE THREE
OF US TAKE A STAND FOR HIM.
SURE, THAT'S EASY
FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE THE
RESPONSIBILITY I DO.
IF WE LET HIM OUT OF THAT BOX
AND THE BIG GIANT
HEAD GETS WIND OF IT,
WHO DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA TAKE THE FALL,
THE INFORMATION OFFICER?
THE TRANSMITTER?
I DON'T THINK SO. IT'S
GONNA BE ME, THE WOMAN.
TYPICAL!
Dick: SALLY!
SALLY, THINK OF ALL WE'VE
BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER.
WHEN BRAD DUMPED YOU,
WHO ORDERED YOU TO
DRINK YOURSELF SILLY...
UNTIL YOU COMPLETELY
DROWNED YOUR FEELINGS FOR HIM?
YOU DID.
AND WHEN I RAN OVER
YOUR FOOT WITH THE CAR...
WHO DROVE YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL THE VERY NEXT DAY?
YOU DID.
WHEN YOU WERE HUNGRY
THAT DAY IN THE PARK,
WHO STOLE THAT LITTLE
GIRL'S ICE CREAM CONE?
TOMMY DID THAT.
IT WAS MY IDEA.
TRUE. IT WAS.
SIR, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CAN'T LET YOU ROT IN THIS BOX.
I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, GUYS. BLOOD
IS THICKER THAN WATER.
IT IS?
I THINK.
IT'S NOT AS THICK
AS PEANUT BUTTER.
[ALL ARGUING AT ONCE]
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
THE LIGHTING IS ROMANTIC.
THE CHAMPAGNE CHILLED...
AND NOW...
FOR SOME...
EROTIC LITERATURE.
"MAKE SURE THE 2x4 STUDS ARE
CLEATED TO THE FLOOR PLATES
BEFORE APPLYING THE WALLBOARD."
PERFECT.
Mary: YOO-HOO!
COME ON UP.
OH, I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE
DONE WITH THE PLACE.
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE...
THE BEDROOM.
TONIGHT IS ABOUT PLEASURE.
A JOURNEY INTO THE...
TABOO.
I WILL LET NOTHING
DESTROY THE MOOD.
[BANJO-PICKING
BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS]
NOTHING.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO RECORD]
♪ EASY LIVING ♪
♪ EASY TO LIVE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE ♪
♪ I'M SO IN LOVE ♪
OH, I'VE SEEN THESE.
OH, MY GOD! WHOA!
OOH! OHH!
AH, CLAP OFF, HUH?
I'M FREE.
I'M FREE!
I'M FREE!
I'M FREE!
OHH!
THERE'S SO MUCH I'VE MISSED.
FRESH AIR,
THE SMELL OF BACON FRYING,
WATCHING TALK SHOWS WITH HARRY.
I DIDN'T MISS JERRY SPRINGER'S
"BIKER CHICK MAKEOVER," DID I?
IT WAS TUESDAY.
OH, DAMN!
SALLY, WHY ARE YOU
WEARING THAT SKIRT?
IT MAKES YOU LOOK SO FRUMPY.
OH! I KNEW IT.
THAT DICK UPSTAIRS SAID
THIS LOOK WORKED FOR ME.
I HATE HIM!
HE CRASHED THE RAMBLER.
CHANGED MY NAME TO TOMMY.
WELL, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU?
HE CALLS ME TOMMY, TOO.
IS THAT TOMMY AND THE NUMBER 2?
OH, I DON'T KNOW!
THE GUY'S A MAJOR HEAD CASE.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
NO ONE DICTATES HUMILIATING
AND IRRATIONAL EDICTS
TO MY FAMILY.
THAT'S MY JOB! COME ON.
OHHH!
AND NOBODY BETTER HAVE
TOUCHED MY STRAWBERRIES.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
MARY.
WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH HIM?
LOOKS LIKE HE'S
PLUGGING HER PIE HOLE.
I THINK SHE LIKES IT, DICK.
DICK?
DICK?
DICK.
COME ON, DICK.
OH, WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM?
I MEAN, SURE, HE'S GORGEOUS,
BUT IT'S ALL PART OF
HIS DEPRAVED SCHEME.
HOW DARE HE. HOW DARE SHE.
DID WHAT WE HAVE
MEAN NOTHING TO HER?
WAIT. SHE THINKS HE'S ME...
BUT HE'S GOING TO GET HER...
BECAUSE HE'S DECEIVING HER,
AND SHE'LL BE HIS FOREVER.
IN A WAY, MINE,
BUT SHE LIKES ME.
I OUGHTA... BUT SHE... I...
DICK, HEY, SNAP OUT OF IT.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION HERE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'VE GOT IT.
WE'RE MOVING TO FLORIDA.
WHAT? WHAT?
IT'S WARM ALL THE
TIME, THE LAND IS CHEAP,
AND THE FISHING... BASS
AS BIG AS YOUR ARM.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS AFTERNOON WHEN
I WAS WITH ALBRIGHT
ARRANGING THIS DATE, SHE...
YOU ARRANGED THIS DATE?
YEAH, BUT THE POINT IS...
YOU SET THIS UP?
WHAT, ARE YOU HIS PIMP?
NO, NO. IF YOU'D LET
ME FINISH, I'LL EXPLAIN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE...
DICK, GET A GRIP AND
LISTEN TO HER FOR A SECOND.
THE POINT IS, DICK, IS THAT I TRIED
TO TALK HER OUT OF THIS DATE,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO
ME BECAUSE... DON'T ASK ME WHY...
SHE HAS SOME SORT OF
EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO YOU.
SHE SAID THAT?
SHE CARES ABOUT YOU SO MUCH,
SHE IS UPSTAIRS ABOUT TO
HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN.
SHE WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
IF YOU DON'T STOP HER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT
TYRANT HAS GONE TOO FAR.
I MUST DEFEAT THAT MAN!
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT EARLIER.
OK, HERE'S THE PLAN.
TOMMY, HARRY, YOU STAY HERE.
SALLY, YOU WATCH MY BACK WHILE
I MAKE A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM.
OK, WELL, THEN WHAT?
I USE THE BATHROOM.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN STUCK
IN A BOX FOR TWO DAYS.
HOLD ON. ENOUGH.
I THINK MY TONGUE
HAS A CHARLEY HORSE.
WELL, SADDLE UP. WE'RE
GOING FOR ANOTHER RIDE.
OOH!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
LAST TIME YOU WERE SO FAST.
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET TO IT?
IT?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW...
IT.
OH, IT.
YOU'LL GET IT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL GET ALL OF
IT THAT YOU WANT.
IT IS ON ITS WAY.
COME ON, DICK. HE'S
TAKING FOREVER.
WHO'S TAKING FOREVER?
TOILET DUCK.
HE'S TACKLING OUR
STUBBORN BUILDUP.
LIEUTENANT, YOU'RE THE WOMAN.
I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
IT, WHAT?
YOU KNOW, IT.
OH, IT.
UM, LET'S GET SOME PRIVACY.
OK, WELL, UM...
UH, IT'S, UH, IT'S
KIND OF INVOLVED.
UM...
YEAH.
EWW.
REALLY?
NO?
AND WOMEN LIKE THAT?
THEY LOVE IT.
AND TO THINK ALL THIS TIME I WAS
JUST WALKING AROUND ON THEM.
OH, MARY.
DICK.
MARY, MARY, MARY, MARY.
OH, NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
OH, I WANT YOU SO BAD.
YOU'VE GOT TO ESCAPE.
YOU WANT ME TO TRY AND GET AWAY?
YOU MUST.
LET ME GO! LET ME GO!
HOW'S THAT?
GET OUT!
WHAT?
IF YOU CLEAR THE
HEDGE, YOU'LL BE FINE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING... EVERYTHING.
OH, MARY, YOU KNOW
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
OH, DICK.
OH, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW.
YOU REMEMBER TOMMY.
UH, TELL HER ABOUT
THE SWIM TEAM.
SWIM TEAM? WHAT ARE YOU...
WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T
THE FORMER HIGH COMMANDER.
IT SEEMS THAT I'VE
UNDERESTIMATED YOUR STUPIDITY.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE...
AND HERE'S YOUR SECOND.
LOOK OVER THERE!
WHERE?
AAH!
WHAT'S GOING ON? DICK
IS ACTING SO STRANGELY.
SEE, LISTEN, DR. ALBRIGHT,
DICK, HE'S GOT A
LOT OF BAGGAGE, SEE.
IT'S AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE.
Dick: AAH, STOP!
HA!
Dick: STOP PULLING MY HAIR!
Evil Dick: I'LL
PULL IT IF I WANT!
OH, THAT POOR
THING. I DIDN'T KNOW.
NO. YOU COULDN'T KNOW,
'CAUSE HE'S BEEN AFRAID.
SEE, HE'S BEEN LONELY...
FOR SUCH A LONG TIME,
AND AS THE YEARS WENT BY,
HE FELL INTO DESPAIR
AND LOST ALL HOPE,
FOR WHAT WOMAN COULD
EVER LEARN TO LOVE A BEAST?
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GIVE ME A SECOND, OK?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING HIM?
WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?
WHEN I PULL HIM UP,
BRAIN HIM WITH THE GNOME.
GOTCHA.
I GOT HIM, DICK.
NOW, HELP ME GET
HIM INTO THE CHAIR.
HERE, TIE HIM UP GOOD.
TIE HIM DOWN TIGHT.
OK, WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT?
TIE HIM UP OR TIE HIM DOWN?
BOTH, HARRY.
HURRY. WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM
OUT OF HERE BEFORE MARY SEES HIM.
WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH HIM?
OOH, LET'S TAKE HIM
DOWNSTAIRS TO THE RAMBLER
AND PUT HIM IN THE TRUNK,
LIKE THEY DO ON
THAT SHOW HOMICIDE.
HOMICIDE? HOMICIDE?
LIFE ON THE STREET.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT IDEA. TOMMY, HARRY,
RUN DOWN TO THE RAMBLER
AND CLEAN OUT THE TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SIR.
DON'T BE LONG...
TOMMY.
DON'T TIRE YOURSELF
OUT, COMMANDER.
I WANT YOU TO WITNESS THE
DESTRUCTION MY LITTLE DEVICE WREAKS
ON THE WORLD YOU LOVE SO WELL.
WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE TO OUR TOASTER?
IT'S NOT A TOASTER.
IT'S AN INCUBATOR.
WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON,
MILLIONS OF SPORES WILL BE
RELEASED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE,
SPAWNING A WHOLE NEW RACE...
A RACE OF GROVELING DRONES.
THEY WILL THINK
ALIKE AND TALK ALIKE.
AT TIMES, THEY'LL
EVEN WALK ALIKE,
AND I WILL BE
FATHER TO THEM ALL.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MARY?
OH, DON'T WORRY. I'M
NOT USING THIS ON HER.
I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE
OF HER PERSONALLY.
I'M GOING IN THERE AND
PUTTING MY FEET IN HER PURSE.
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
YOU'RE INSANE!
AND NOT GALLAGHER
INSANE, JUST INSANE!
WE CLEANED OUT
THE RAMBLER, DICK.
OH, YOU WERE ABLE TO
USE THE GRAY DUCT TAPE.
RUN!
NO!
STAY.
STAY AND WITNESS
MY MOMENT OF GLORY,
AS I IMPREGNATE THE ENTIRE POPULATION
OF OHIO WITH MY DEMON PROGENY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. EVEN THE MEN?
OK, NOT THE MEN.
NOT LITTLE GIRLS?
NO, NOT THEM.
WAIT. WHAT ABOUT ELDERLY WOMEN?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT ABOUT WOMEN WHO
ARE ALREADY PREGNANT?
OH, SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!
OK, SO APPARENTLY I WON'T BE
IMPREGNATING THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF OHIO,
BUT ALL FERTILE WOMEN OF CHILD-BEARING
AGE WHO ARE NOT CURRENTLY PREGNANT...
AND THAT'S A LOT. WE'RE
TALKING LOTS OF WOMEN HERE...
WILL SOON FIND THEMSELVES
NOW PREGNANT BY ME.
IT'S AS EASY AS 1...
2...
3.
YES!
YES, THAT WILL SHOW HIM.
NOT THAT I CARE,
BUT, UH, SHOW WHO?
YOUR FATHER... THAT UNFEELING
PURPLE TUBE WHO GAVE YOU LIFE
BUT COULDN'T GIVE YOU LOVE.
YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY FATHER,
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND HIM.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN THE NOW.
THIS IS THE
NINETIES, GIRLFRIEND.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS APPROVAL.
IS IT ANY WONDER I WET MY BED?
I'M WITH YOU.
YOUR FATHER'S GOT YOU ALL
CAUGHT UP IN HIS EMOTIONAL RED TAPE,
AND YOU NEED TO
CUT YOURSELF FREE.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU
THAT YOUR FATHER
WAS HERE TONIGHT?
COME ON OUT!
I'M JUST KIDDING.
HE'S NOT REALLY HERE.
I THINK YOU NEED TO
GO HOME AND FACE HIM.
LET THE CYCLE OF PAIN END HERE.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT!
[SOBBING]
THAT'S IT.
LET IT OUT.
LET IT ALL OUT.
HEY, GUYS.
DENNIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LONG STORY.
I GOT A WEIRD VIBE FROM
YOU GUYS YESTERDAY.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WE REALLY COULD HAVE
USED YOU ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT MOBBED BY
ALL THESE PEOPLE.
I GOT TO FIND A BETTER DISGUISE.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
WOMEN'S CLOTHING?
TRIED IT. DOESN'T WORK.
DENNIS, COULD YOU DO US A FAVOR?
COULD YOU ESCORT THAT
GUY BACK TO THE HOME WORLD?
WHY NOT? I'M GOING
THAT WAY ANYWAY.
I'VE GOT A PRESENT
FOR THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
WHAT IS IT?
A BIG GIANT NOSE RING.
THANK YOU ALL.
I FEEL THAT I'VE MADE A
BIG BREAKTHROUGH HERE.
WELL, REMEMBER,
NOBODY'S GOING TO RESPECT YOU
UNTIL YOU LEARN TO RESPECT YOURSELF...
BED WETTER.
AND, DENNIS, COULD YOU DISPOSE
OF THIS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?
YOU DID IT!
YOU DID IT.
OH, NO. NOT JUST ME, LIEUTENANT.
I HAD A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS.
COME ON, MAN. OH, STOP.
RICKI LAKE, JERRY
SPRINGER, AND SALLY JESSY.
THANKS.
NOW LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I KNOW THAT IN
THE PAST I WORRIED
THAT WE WATCHED
TOO MUCH TELEVISION.
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS,
GOD BLESS TELEVISION
AND THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH
TELEVISION ENRICHES OUR LIVES.
FROM NOW ON, I ORDER YOU,
WATCH MORE TELEVISION
THAN EVER BEFORE.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
TOMMY, CALL THE
HUT AND GET A PIZZA.
YES, SIR.
HURRY. WARM UP THAT TELEVISION.
AND, SALLY...
GO GET YOURSELF A
DECENT PAIR OF PANTS.
OH, THANK YOU, SIR.
♪ SO DO ME WRONG, BUT DO
ME RIGHT RIGHT NOW, BABY ♪
DR. ALBRIGHT, THE LAST
TIME WE WERE OUT HERE,
YOU SAID SOMETHING TO ME.
YOU SAID YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
IS THAT STILL TRUE?
OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.
BECAUSE OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF
DAYS, YOU'VE SEEN ME AT MY WORST.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT
BEING TOGETHER IS ABOUT.
IF WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP,
I WANT TO HAVE
IT WITH ALL OF YOU,
AND THAT INCLUDES THE DARK SIDE.
YOU KNOW, I CARE ABOUT YOU, TOO.
YOU'VE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WELL, IT'S BEEN A LONG NIGHT,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST
PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME,
AND WE'LL LOOK UP AT THE STARS.
THE STARS.
YES.
THEY LOOK LIKE LOVERS
LOCKED IN A CELESTIAL EMBRACE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LOOK AT THOSE TREES?
THE TREES... THEY
LOOK LIKE LOVERS,
THEIR LIMBS EXPLORING
AND FONDLING EACH OTHER.
HOW ABOUT WE LOOK AT
THAT COUPLE IN THE WINDOW?
WOW. THEY'RE GOING
AT IT LIKE TREES.
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