3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 2, Episode 26 - A Nightmare on Dick Street: Part 2 - full transcript

Tommy is the third of the family to have a nightmare but luckily doesn't take the pills Dick and Sally are on. When Dick and Sally are sober again they're informed they are all going back to the home planet for emergency maintenance. Dick however doesn't want to go back because he wants to stay with Mary.

Tommy: INFORMATION
OFFICER'S LOG.

LAST TIME ON 3RD
ROCK FROM THE SUN...

DICK WAS UPSET

WHEN MARY DECIDED TO
GO TO BORNEO FOR A YEAR.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT BORNEO?

HE LATER HAD A
HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE

ABOUT TELLING MARY THE
TRUTH ABOUT BEING AN ALIEN.

AND HAVING NEVER DREAMT BEFORE,

DICK THOUGHT HE
WAS LOSING HIS MIND.

MARY!

TO CALM HIM DOWN,



A DOCTOR PRESCRIBED
TRANQUILIZERS.

DICK QUICKLY BECAME ADDICTED

AND LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.

NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO,

WE TRIED TO CONTACT
THE BIG GIANT HEAD

FOR PERMISSION TO RETURN TO
THE HOME PLANET FOR MAINTENANCE.

ALL BIG GIANT CIRCUITS
ARE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

MEANWHILE, OFFICER DON WAS UPSET

WHEN SALLY CAUGHT A CRIMINAL
THAT HE HAD BEEN PURSUING.

SALLY ALSO DREAMT
FOR THE FIRST TIME

AND BECAME CONVINCED
THAT SHE HAD KILLED DON.

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CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC



DON! DON!

WHERE'S DON?

SALLY.

OH, DON! I DIDN'T KILL YOU?

I DIDN'T KILL YOU.

NO, YOU JUST EMASCULATED ME.

I'VE GOT TO SEE SOMETHING.

SALLY!

NO FEATHERS.

OH... OH, MY GOD.

SALLY, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO CALM DOWN.

OH, DON'T YOU SEE, DON?

YOU'RE ALIVE.

WHICH MEANS IT'S MY BRAIN,

MY SICK, TWISTED BRAIN.

I COULD BE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING,

ANYTHING AT ALL.

THERE'S ONLY ONE HOPE, DON.

I'VE GOT TO GET ON THE PILL.

WELL, THIS ISN'T HOW I
EXPECTED THIS TO HAPPEN.

BUT... HEY.

DICK'S ON THE PILL,

AND IT SEEMS TO
BE WORKING FOR HIM.

OK, YOU LOST ME AGAIN.

OH, DON, I'LL CALL YOU

WHEN I'M NOT MYSELF ANYMORE.

OK, SO SHE'S CRAZY.

BUT SHE'S GOT LEGS
UP TO HER FACE.

I LOVE TV.

ME, TOO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TURN IT ON?

IT'S EVEN BETTER ON.

OH, MAN.

THE HIGH COMMANDER AND THE
LIEUTENANT ARE INCAPACITATED.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THE INFORMATION
OFFICER TAKES OVER.

AND THAT'S ME.

I'M IN CHARGE OF THE MISSION.

PERMISSION TO SPEAK,
HIGH COMMANDER.

PERMISSION GRANTED.

WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL
JUST TAKE THIS MISSION,

ROLL IT UP, AND STICK IT...

INCOMING MESSAGES
FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

YOUR REQUEST TO RETURN HOME

FOR EMERGENCY MAINTENANCE
HAS BEEN AUTHORIZED.

YES!

THE TIME/SPACE PORTAL
WILL OPEN TOMORROW EVENING

BETWEEN 8:51 AND
8:53 P.M. EARTH TIME.

ON YOUR JOURNEY HOME
WE WILL BE SHOWING TIN CUP,

STARRING KEVIN COSTNER
AND RENEE RUSSO.

WELL, THAT SETTLES
IT. WE'RE GOING.

THE BIG GIANT HEAD LOOKS FORWARD

TO READING YOUR
COMPREHENSIVE REPORT

ON THE HISTORY OF
HUMAN CIVILIZATION.

OH, NO.

TOMMY.

MISS FROST.

YOU MISSED CLASS TODAY.

I... I... YEAH, I DID.

THAT'S SO UNLIKE YOU.

YOU'RE USUALLY THE FIRST TO
COME AND THE LAST TO LEAVE.

YEAH.

MISS FROST,

UH, I'M GOING TO BE TRANSFERRING

TO ANOTHER, UH, DISTRICT SOON.

BUT, UM, BEFORE I DO,

I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF YOU WANTED

TO TAKE ME UP ON MY OFFER?

YOU MEAN YOUR OFFER

TO LET ME BE THE ONE TO
USHER YOU INTO MANHOOD?

THE OFFER STILL STANDS.

THANK YOU, NO.

I'M WEARING HER DOWN.

TOMMY, HOW'S THE REPORT COMING?

OH, I'M JUST PUTTING THE
FINISHING TOUCHES ON IT NOW.

MAN, AM I GOING TO BE GLAD

TO GET THIS THING OFF MY SHOES.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[LION GROWLS]

[GRRR] AAH!

[BELL RINGS]

Dick, Harry, Sally:
HELP US, TOMMY!

Sally: TOMMY, HELP US!

Dick and Harry: HELP US, TOMMY!

HELP US, TOMMY!

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING.

Dick: HURRY, HURRY, TOMMY!

HELP US! HELP US!

Sally: OVER HERE! HELP US!

TOMMY!

Harry: HELP US, TOMMY!

JUMP, TOMMY, JUMP!

JUMP! YOU CAN DO IT!

Sally: COME ON, TOMMY! COME ON!

Dick, Harry, Sally:
TOMMY! HELP US!

TOMMY! WE'RE RIGHT HERE!

TOMMY! HELP US!

YOU CAN DO IT! COME ON, TOMMY!

[MISS FROST HUMMING BALI HA'I]

Dick: THERE HE IS!

Sally: TOMMY! TOMMY, HELP US!

♪ BALI HA'I ♪

♪ MAY CALL YOU ♪

THIS IS NOT GOOD.

♪ ANY NIGHT... ♪

Sally: TOMMY?

TOMMY! COME ON NOW!

♪ IN YOUR HEART... ♪

STOP IT!

Harry: COME ON, TOMMY!

COME ON, TOMMY!

♪ COME AWAY ♪

♪ COME AWAY ♪

♪ BALI HA'I ♪

♪ WILL WHISPER ♪

♪ ON THE WIND ♪

♪ OF THE SEA... ♪

Dick: TOMMY!

TOMMY!

♪ AM I... ♪

SAVE US NOW!

♪ YOUR SPECIAL ISLAND? ♪

♪ COME TO ME ♪

♪ COME TO ME ♪

♪ BALI HA'I ♪
DON'T DO IT, TOMMY!

♪ BALI HA'I ♪

♪ BALI HA'I ♪

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

Tommy: AAH! OH, DICK, SALLY!

IT'S HAPPENING TO ME, TOO!

I'M FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS!

AH, THIS CHAIR FEELS
ALL SOFT ON MY BOTTOM.

WILL YOU LISTEN TO
ME?! THIS IS SERIOUS!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD
FOR SERIOUS THINGS?

ONE OF THOSE.

WHOA, NO, NO, NO.

TOMMY, DON'T DO IT.

LOOK, TOMMY.

LOOK HOW PRETTY THEY ARE.

THEY HAVE A LINE DOWN THE MIDDLE

WHERE YOU CAN
BREAK THEM IN HALF.

SO YOU COULD TAKE HALF?

NO, SO YOU CAN TAKE 1 1/2.

NO, TOMMY, YOU GOT TO BE STRONG.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

AS ACTING HIGH COMMANDER,

I ORDER YOU TO
TURN OVER THE PILLS.

AW, HE THINKS HE'S
HIGH COMMANDER.

THAT'S SO CUTE.

LET'S GIVE HIM A
SALUTE, ALL RIGHT?

HURRY, GET RID OF THEM!

NO, NO, NOT THAT WAY!

THROW THEM AWAY!

OH, TOMMY, HARRY,

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
GETTING US OFF THAT PILL.

OH, YOU FEEL BETTER?

OH, I FEEL HORRIBLE.

BUT AT LEAST I FEEL.

YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT
TOGETHER FOR A FEW MORE HOURS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHILE WE WERE OUT,

TOMMY GOT AHOLD
OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT AT 8:53.

LAST CHANCE FOR ICE CREAM.

WHEN ARE WE COMING BACK?

I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T ASK.

WHO KNOWS?

THE SERVICE DEPARTMENT'S
ALWAYS BACKED UP.

YEAH. THEY'LL PROBABLY
HAVE TO SEND OUT FOR PARTS.

COULD BE A WEEK.
COULD BE A YEAR.

COULD BE 200 YEARS.

WHAT ABOUT MARY?

OH, SHE'LL BE DEAD.

[GASPS]

OH, I CAN'T LEAVE HER
WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE!

WAIT, DICK, THERE ISN'T TIME.

SURE THERE IS.

NO, LISTEN, I KNOW YOU, DICK.

YOU'RE GOING TO GO
THERE, GET ALL OOEY-GOOEY,

AND YOU'LL MISS THE TRANSPORT.

THAT IS SUCH A LIE!

WELL, REMEMBER ONE THING.

HARRY IS THE TRANSMITTER,

AND HE'S COMING WITH US, OK?

SO WITHOUT HIM, YOU'D BE
STRANDED HERE FOREVER.

NOW, DON'T WORRY.

I'M GOING TO STEEL MYSELF UP,

MARCH IN THERE, AND
JUST DO THE HEADLINES.

LOVE YOU, MISS YOU, GOOD-BYE.

MAYBE A LITTLE
SECOND-BASE ACTION.

BUT THAT'S IT!

HELLO, MARY.

I CAME BY TO SAY

I WILL MISS YOU TERRIBLY.

REALLY?

IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE I SHOULD KNOW?

YES. I CARE ABOUT YOU DEEPLY,

AND I LOVE YOU.

OF COURSE.

DO YOU MIND IF I PACK?

OHH!

WHAT?

NOTHING.

I BIT MY FIST.

IN CONCLUSION,

I'LL ALWAYS CARRY A
LOCKET OF YOUR DNA,

AND YOU'LL BE GLAD TO KNOW

THAT THE VISION OF
YOUR NAKED BODY

WILL BE WITH ME FOR ALL TIME.

WELL, I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING
ELSE TO SAY BUT GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE, DICK.

GOOD-BYE, MARY.

I'M WALKING AWAY NOW.

NO.

NO, THIS IS NOT HOW IT ENDS.

THIS HAS BEEN A LONG
AND DIFFICULT JOURNEY,

AND IT WILL NOT END THIS WAY.

THERE WILL BE NO
TEPID FAREWELLS FOR US.

I NEED YOU, MARY.

YOUR EYES, YOUR FACE,

YOUR EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY.

ESPECIALLY YOUR CRANNY.

YOU ARE MARYWORLD.

AND I LOVE MARYWORLD.

IT'S THE HAPPIEST
PLACE ON EARTH.

SO COME ON, MARY,

LET'S TAKE A SPIN
ON THOSE TEA CUPS.

I DON'T WANT TO GO!

I DON'T WANT TO GO, EITHER!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UH, UH, UH, NOWHERE.

MAYBE I AM LOSING MY MIND.

BUT WHILE THERE'S A LITTLE LEFT,

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

MARRY ME?

SURE I'LL MARRY YOU.
WE'LL BE SO HAPPY!

THIS IS SO GREAT!

I KNOW!

AAH!

MARY!

HE'S LATE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND.

NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND.

NOT ON MY WATCH.

THEN WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

WELL, 20 FEET OF ROPE
AND A BLUNT OBJECT.

THERE'S SOME ROPE IN
THE BASEMENT. LET'S GET IT.

HARRY, YOU KEEP PACKING.

AND DON'T FALL
ASLEEP ON THE JOB.

I'M MISS BOSSY.

I GET TO TELL
EVERYBODY WHAT TO DO.

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ I GOT VERY FEW
COMPLAINTS SO FAR ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ HOPE YOU'RE AS HAPPY
WHEREVER YOU ARE ♪

♪ I GOT THE BLUE SKY ♪

♪ EVERY MORNIN' ♪

♪ A BIG YELLOW MOON AT NIGHT ♪

♪ I ALWAYS DO
WHATEVER I WANT TO ♪

♪ AND EVERYTHING I DO ♪

♪ IT ALWAYS TURNS OUT RIGHT ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ MAN, I WOULD NOT
CHANGE A THING ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT
TOMORROW WILL BRING ♪

♪ IN EVERY LIFE ♪

♪ A LITTLE RAIN
MUST SURELY FALL ♪

♪ I'M HERE TO SAY ♪

♪ THAT THERE'S A RAINBOW ♪

♪ JUST AROUND EVERY CORNER ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ WELL, I ADMIT
I'VE HAD A BALL ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ I NEVER WORRY
'BOUT NOTHIN' AT ALL ♪

♪ I GOT SOME GOOD FRIENDS ♪

♪ THEY ADORE ME ♪

♪ AND KNOW HOW
TO TREAT ME RIGHT ♪

♪ I GOT A GOOD GAL ♪

♪ WAITIN' FOR ME ♪

♪ I WON EVERY
FIGHT I'VE BEEN IN ♪

♪ AND IT ALWAYS TURNS
OUT THAT I WAS RIGHT ♪

HA.

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME ♪

♪ LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD ♪

THANKS, MRS. DUBCEK.

I WOULDN'T ASK YOU TO LET ME IN

IF I DIDN'T THINK SALLY
REALLY NEEDED HELP.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO
DATE A POLICE OFFICER.

MAYBE YOU KNOW HIM.

TEDDY RABINO?

HE'S THE GUY WHOSE
WIFE PUT A SLUG IN HIM

FOR FOOLING AROUND.

DEAR GOD.

STAND BACK.

I'M AFRAID HE'S DEAD.

ARE YOU SURE?

OF COURSE I'M SURE. I'M A COP.

HI, DON.

AAH!

DAMN IT.

I GOT TO LEARN HOW
TO TAKE A PULSE.

DON.

SALLY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
HARRY, GET A HAMMER.

TOMMY, GET THE SACK.
I'LL GET THE STRING CHEESE.

STRING CHEESE?

I'M STARVING.

I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

TO DICK AND MARY.

MAY YOU BOTH BE
AS HAPPY AS I AM.

UH, DICK, COULD I SPEAK
TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

OH, SALLY.

UH, SURE.

EXCUSE ME.

UH, DON'T GET
MARRIED WITHOUT ME.

OH, I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

I... I WAS GOING TO CALL.

OH, CUT THE CRAP, DICK.
LISTEN, YOU'RE A MESS.

YOU'RE COMING WITH
US. WE'RE GOING HOME.

THIS IS MY HOME.

WHAT? WHAT?

MARY AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, WILLIS?

I'VE MADE MY DECISION.

I'D RATHER DIE HERE WITH MARY

THAN RISK LOSING HER FOREVER.

WELL, OK, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE THE HIGH COMMANDER,

AND WE RESPECT YOUR DECISION.

GET HIM!

WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL?

OH, UM, HELLO, MARY.

DON'T WORRY.

THE BESACKING OF THE GROOM

IS A TIME-HONORED TRADITION.

WHAT KIND OF TRADITION?

I'M GOING TO GO WITH JEWISH.

OK.

DICK, WE HAVE TO
GO. WE HAVE GUESTS.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

UH, DICK, ARE YOU SURE,

ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU WANT
TO GO BACK TO THE PARTY?

ABSOLUTELY.

WELL, THIS IS GOOD-BYE, THEN.

IT'S JUST CAKE AND CHAMPAGNE.

HE'LL BE HOME IN A HALF AN HOUR.

OH, YEAH. TRUE.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU
IN HALF AN HOUR.

SOUNDS GOOD.

PICK UP SOME MILK
ON THE WAY HOME.

I WILL.

I PROMISE.

I'LL BE AT THE MALL
IF YOU NEED ME.

DON'T STAY LONG.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT,

AND I WORRY.

COME TO THE STORE, DICK.

OUR COUPONS ARE IN YOUR CAR.

THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN IN YOUR CAR!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,

HE'S JUST GETTING MARRIED.

OH, YES.

WELL, WE GOT TO GO.

THE STORE CLOSES AT 8:53.

GOOD-BYE!

WILL THEY BE LIVING WITH US?

I NEVER DREAMED I'D SEE THE DAY

DR. ALBRIGHT SETTLED DOWN.

MARY HASN'T SETTLED DOWN.

SHE'S JUST SETTLED.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STRANGE,

BUT I HAD A DREAM YOU
ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU.

YOU HAD A WHAT?

A DREAM.

I WAS DROWNING
IN A SWIMMING POOL,

AND MY FATHER WAS THE LIFEGUARD,

AND HE WAS SAVING ME.

AND I LOOKED UP,

AND IT WASN'T HIM, IT WAS YOU.

AND YOU WERE WEARING
FLIPPERS AND BLACK SOCKS,

AND YOU OFFERED ME A RING.

MARY, IT'S CONTAGIOUS.

YOU'RE AS CRAZY AS I AM.

OH, I KNOW IT'S CRAZY.

IT WOKE ME UP OUT
OF A SOUND SLEEP.

YES, THAT'S WHEN IT STRIKES,

WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP.

WELL, YEAH, DICK.

THAT'S WHEN MOST PEOPLE DREAM.

MOST PEOPLE DREAM?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

NOTHING.

NOTHING'S THE MATTER WITH ME.

AND THERE'S NOTHING THE
MATTER WITH TOMMY AND SALLY!

OH, MY GOD!

THERE'S NOTHING THE
MATTER WITH ANY OF US!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

HOME!

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

HELLO!

SALLY!

HARRY!

TOMMY!

"DEAR DICK,

"OF ALL THE PEOPLE
WE'VE WORKED FOR,

"YOU WERE THE BEST.

YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN."

THEY'RE GONE.

I MISSED THEM.

"P.S. WE GOT YOU A WEDDING GIFT.

HOPE YOU LIKE IT."

THE TOASTER.

THE TOASTER FROM THE KITCHEN.

DICK? DICK?

I'M IN HERE.

YOU LEFT THE PARTY SO SUDDENLY.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

OH, MARY.

I CHOSE TO STAY WITH YOU
UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.

WHICH AS IT TURNS OUT

IS A HELL OF A LOT
LONGER THAN I THOUGHT.

WHAT?

WHICH IS FINE. IT'S JUST FINE.

WHERE'S YOUR FAMILY?

THEY TOOK OFF.

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

BUT I'M GOING TO FIND THEM.

NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES.

NO MATTER WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

I'M GOING TO FIND THEM

AND GET THEM BACK.

THIS I VOW.

WHERE'D THEY GO?

PIZZA.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER
PRODUCTIONS, NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY

AND COCA-COLA CLASSIC

OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN
from 3.49 USD/month ----> osdb.link/vpn