3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 3, Episode 1 - Fun with Dick and Janet: Part 1 - full transcript
Sally, Harry & Tommy return, along with a wife for Dick selected by the Big Giant Head, Jane, his niece.
Harry: PREVIOUSLY ON
3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN...
WE FOUR ALIENS DREAMED
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
YOU WANT TO KNOW!
OF COURSE YOU WILL, DR. SOLOMON.
NATURALLY, NOT BEING HUMAN, WE
THOUGHT OUR BRAINS WERE DECOMPOSING.
WE PLANNED AN IMMEDIATE
RETURN TO THE HOME PLANET.
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT AT 8:53.
W-WHEN ARE WE COMING BACK?
COULD BE A WEEK, A
YEAR, COULD BE 200 YEARS.
WHAT ABOUT MARY?
OH, SHE'LL BE DEAD.
MAYBE I AM LOSING MY MIND,
BUT WHILE THERE'S A LITTLE
LEFT, I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
THIS IS SO GREAT!
I KNOW!
UH, DICK, ARE YOU SURE?
ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, THIS IS GOOD-BYE THEN.
I HAD A DREAM YOU
ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU.
YOU HAD A WHAT?
PEOPLE DREAM.
PEOPLE DREAM?!
HELLO! SALLY!
HARRY!
THEY'RE GONE.
I MISS THEM.
Minister: AND THAT TOGETHERNESS
IS WHAT IS MOST CELEBRATED
ABOUT THIS VERY
SPECIAL OCCASION.
OH, MARY, THIS IS THE
HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
AND I LOOK SMASHING
IN MY TUXEDO.
MY BOW TIE MATCHES
MY CUMMERBUND.
YOU'RE NOT WEARING A CUMMERBUND.
YES, I AM.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
WEAR IT ON THE OUTSIDE.
OH. OH, THAT EXPLAINS THE RASH.
NOW, THEN, IF ANYONE
OBJECTS TO THIS SACRED UNION,
SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER
HOLD YOUR PEACE.
Sally: I OBJECT.
I THINK THAT'S MY ARM.
HUH? OH, SORRY.
MY FAMILY! YOU MADE IT!
I WAS AFRAID I WAS NEVER
GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU LOOK WELL.
YOU GOT SOME COLOR.
COULD HAVE USED
YOU AT THE WHEEL, DICK.
OH, BUT NO.
YOU HAD TO STAY AND
MARRY THAT EARTH CHICK.
YEAH. WITH TRAGIC
RESULTS FOR US.
I... I TRIED TO CONTACT
YOU. I TRIED EVERYTHING.
I EVEN BUILT A TRANSMITTER,
BUT THEN I... SPILLED
GRAPE SODA ON IT,
AND THE WHOLE THING SHORTED OUT.
HOWEVER, I DID MANAGE TO
HAVE A BRIEF CONVERSATION
WITH THE CAPTAIN
OF A SHRIMP BOAT.
SO THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO MAKE IT BETTER?
OH, COME ON. YOU GOT TO
GO BACK TO THE HOME PLANET.
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?
OH, NOTHING.
EXCEPT WHEN YOU PASS
TOO CLOSE TO A QUASAR
AND THIS HAPPENS!
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'VE TURNED INTO A WOMAN!
WELL, NOT EVERYWHERE.
AS IF SHOWERING IN GYM CLASS
WASN'T TRAUMATIC ENOUGH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DICK, I THINK IT'S
TIME TO CUT THE CAKE!
I-I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
Y-YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
LEAVE AGAIN, ARE YOU?
NO.
WE HAVE SOME...
UNFINISHED BUSINESS
TO TAKE CARE OF.
I-I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
AAH! AAH!
OOH! OOH!
AAH! AH!
NO, I'M SORRY!
I'M SORRY! STOP!
STOP!
YOU'RE RUINING MY TUXEDO!
STOP!
DICK, I MADE BREAKFAST!
DICK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, NO, MARY,
I HAD ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE HORRIBLE DREAMS!
WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE GETTING MARRIED.
THANK YOU.
NO, NO.
NO, THAT WAS THE GOOD PART,
BUT THEN MY FAMILY SHOWED UP.
OH. DON'T TELL
ME. THEY OBJECTED.
WELL... THEY HAD ISSUES.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE PREPARED A SHORT
SPEECH JUST IN CASE THEY DID.
IT'S JUST BASICALLY 2 WORDS,
AND ONE OF THEM'S "OFF."
MARY...
MARY...
I THINK I MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET
THEM GO OFF WITHOUT ME.
UH, ON VACATION.
WELL, UNTIL THEY GET BACK,
CAN'T WE JUST ENJOY
OUR TIME ALONE?
ALONE?
DICK, ARE YOU HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT US?
ABOUT US? OH, NO, MARY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
YOU'RE THE ONLY
THING KEEPING ME SANE.
OHH!
AND IT'S A FULL-TIME JOB.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I'M GOING TO GET READY FOR WORK.
YA CRAZY LUG.
HA HA HA HA HA!
I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH.
AND MY OATMEAL IS SO LUMPY.
UH, WELCOME BACK, CLASS.
UH, BEFORE WE BEGIN,
I'D LIKE TO HEAR WHAT
EVERYBODY DID OVER THEIR BREAK.
UH, BUG?
ME?
UH, W-WELL, I
SPENT A LOT OF TIME
IN A CABIN IN THE
WOODS WITH MY FOLKS...
THAT'S NICE. CARYN?
OH, UH, WELL,
I WENT TO THE GRAND CANYON
WITH MY BROTHER AND SISTER AND...
OH, ENOUGH ABOUT
YOUR DAMN FAMILIES!
DIDN'T ANYBODY SPEND
THE BREAK ALONE,
WATCHING RERUNS AND
EATING CHEESE DOODLES
WHILE AN UNFATHOMABLE EMPTINESS
PERMEATED THEIR SHRIVELED SOULS?
I SAW BOOTY CALL
ON PAY-PER-VIEW.
DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME
UP, LEON. IT WON'T WORK.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE
TO TALK ABOUT, DR. SOLOMON?
TALK ABOUT? WITH YOU, LEON?
HA HA HA HA!
WELL, YOU KNOW I
AM A PSYCH MAJOR...
NOW.
YOU ARE?
WELL, THEN...
HELP ME OUT.
I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE MISTAKE,
AND I CAN'T STOP HATING
MYSELF FOR MAKING IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, DR. SOLOMON,
A PERSON SHOULD NEVER BE SAD
FOR THE MISTAKES HE'S MADE.
ONLY FOR THE MISTAKES
HE'S ABOUT TO MAKE.
LEON, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT ALSO EXPLAINS WHY
YOU ALWAYS SEEM SO SAD.
THANK YOU, LEON.
YOU'VE MADE IT ALL SO CLEAR.
I'VE GOT TO LEARN TO LET GO,
TO MOVE FORWARD
AND FOCUS ON THE THING
THAT'S MOST
IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE.
ME!
YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN I
THOUGHT OUR BRAINS WERE MELTING?
YOU REMEMBER THAT?
WELL, IT TURNS OUT WE
WERE JUST DREAMING.
BUT, HEY, NONE OF
YOU CAUGHT IT EITHER.
I MEAN, IT WAS PRETTY STUPID ON ALL
OUR PARTS, ESPECIALLY YOUR PARTS.
I'M NOT TAKING THE
BLAME ON THIS ONE!
OOH! OOH!
I'M SORRY. LET'S NOT FIGHT.
I MISS YOU...
WITH ALL MY HEART.
I'VE COME HERE EVERY NIGHT
HOPING YOU'D RETURNED...
BUT YOU NEVER HAVE.
AND SO I'VE COME TO A DECISION.
SALLY, HARRY, TOMMY,
I CAN'T GO ON TORTURING
MYSELF ANYMORE.
I HAVE TO MOVE
FORWARD WITH MY LIFE,
THE LIFE I'VE CHOSEN WITH MARY.
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.
AND SO GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE, SALLY.
GOOD-BYE, TOMMY.
GOOD-BYE, HARRY.
Harry: GOOD-BYE, DICK!
IT'S ALMOST AS IF I
COULD HEAR YOU.
Harry, crying: IT SURE IS!
HARRY!
YOU'RE BACK!
YOU'RE ALL BACK!
OH, I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH!
OH, SALLY!
OH, HARRY!
TOMMY!
OHH!
A WOMAN I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!
WHO'S THIS?!
THE BIG GIANT HEAD SENT HER.
DICK, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET...
YOUR NEW WIFE!
MY WIFE?!
HI, HONEY, I'M HOME!
FAMILY MEETING!
FAMILY MEETING!
NO, NOT YOU.
THAT IS NOT MY WIFE.
SO? I'M NOT YOUR SISTER.
YEAH, AND I'M NOT YOUR BROTHER.
HE'S CERTAINLY NOT MY UNCLE.
AND I'M NOT HIS AUNT.
I'M NOT HIS FATHER.
YOU SEE? THIS WOMAN IS
TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!
THAT'S IT. MEETING ADJOURNED.
THAT WOMAN IS NOT MY
WIFE. I'M ENGAGED TO MARY.
DICK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FORGET ABOUT HER.
NO, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.
IT'S GOT TO BE
ANOTHER CRAZY DREAM.
IT'S NOT A DREAM, DICK.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I STILL DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I'LL NEVER BELIEVE YOU!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I
BELIEVE YOU! I BELIEVE YOU!
CAN I RUB THAT FOR YOU?
OH, LEAVE ME ALONE.
YES, DEAR.
GO AWAY!
THANK YOU!
UH, LOOK, DICK, HERE'S THE DEAL.
THE BIG GIANT HEAD THINKS YOUR
PURSUIT OF THAT BLONDE WENCH
IS DISTRACTING YOU
FROM YOUR DUTIES.
HOW DOES HE KNOW SO
MUCH ABOUT MY WENCH?
HE SUMMONED US BEFORE HIM.
HE MADE US WEAR THE TRUTH BELT.
THE ONE WITH THE BUZZER?
BZZZ!
IT WAS HORRIBLE, DICK.
SO YOU CAVED, LIEUTENANT?
YES!
YOU JUST BROUGHT HER HERE?
IT WAS EITHER THAT
OR THE BIG GIANT HEAD
WAS GOING TO HAVE YOU
SUCKED BACK TO THE HOME PLANET.
THEN I'D RATHER BE SUCKED!
OH, TYPICAL!
YOU KNOW, DICK, IT
MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD.
THIS WOMAN, SHE IS 100% WIFE.
I MEAN, ALL SHE READ
ON THE WAY OVER WAS
THE JOY OF COOKING
AND THE JOY OF SEX.
THIS CAR IS MESHUGGAH!
OH, YEAH. AND
THE JOY OF YIDDISH.
DID YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT
WE HAVE 3 HOLES IN OUR HEADS?
5.
3.
2 HERE AND THEN THIS ONE.
FEEL THE SIDES OF YOUR HEAD.
OHH!
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
JUST WAIT. THERE'S MORE.
ISN'T SHE ADORABLE?
WE'VE BEEN CALLING HER JANET.
WELL, MOST OF US HAVE.
I'M TELLING YOU, SHE
LOOKS LIKE A ZIPPY...
HARRY, NO! I'VE
BEEN TELLING YOU...
NOW THAT'S ENOUGH!
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
GET IN THE CAR. WE'RE
DITCHING THIS WOMAN.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE WE CAN.
I'LL JUST PUT IT IN DRIVE,
AND WE'LL FLY LIKE THE WIND!
TOMMY.
TELL HIM.
SHE IS THE BIG
GIANT HEAD'S NIECE.
WELL... SO WHAT?
WHAT'S THE WORST
THING THAT CAN HAPPEN
IF WE LEAVE HER HERE?
BIG GIANT COURT-MARTIALS.
FOLLOWED BY BIG
GIANT EXECUTIONS.
AND THEN 4 TINY LITTLE FUNERALS.
I DON'T CARE.
I'VE CHOSEN LOVE
OVER DEATH BEFORE.
YEAH, WELL, I HAVEN'T.
JANET, GET IN THE CAR!
WH... YOU... WH...
OH...
DAMN!
OWW!
SOME WIFE.
OH! FOOD!
GOD, I'M STARVING!
AH.
YOU WAITED.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
OHHH!
IT'S OUR FIRST HOME.
I LOVE IT!
WHERE'S OUR BEDROOM?
OH, NO, NO, UH, THAT
WON'T BE NECESSARY.
NO! I WANT TO BE
THE BEST WIFE EVER!
WELL, UH... GOOD
LUCK TO YOU. BYE, NOW.
NO, DON'T FIGHT IT, SWEETIE.
LET ME LOVE YOU.
WHERE'S OUR BOUDOIR?
OH... OH... OH,
WELL, UH... UH...
A LONG STORY SHORT,
WE DON'T HAVE ONE.
OK, THEN.
WHOA!
UHH! OHH!
OHH!
OK!
THAT WAS FUN, AND YOU WERE GOOD.
I WAS AMAZING. WE'RE DONE.
NOW...
GO ENJOY A SANDWICH.
OK, THEN!
SSSSSPANK ME.
THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE
THERE'S NO CLEAN DISHES.
GOD, THIS PLACE IS A PIG STY.
YEAH, YOU BETTER GET ON IT.
OH, THANKS, TOMMY.
THAT'S A NICE WELCOME HO...
JANET.
I LOVE THIS ROOM.
OH, WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?
DID YOU KNOW THAT
THIS IS WHERE I DO
ALL OF MY COOKING AND CLEANING?
I MEAN, THERE IS NO
GREATER HONOR FOR A WOMAN.
ME, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
IN FACT, I'M GONNA CLEAN
SOME DISHES RIGHT NOW.
HA HA HA!
OH, YEAH!
OH, BUT I'M THE WIFE.
SHOULDN'T I BE ABLE
TO DO THE DISHES?
NO. THIS IS TOO MUCH FUN, OK?
PLEASE!
OK, IF YOU INSIST.
BUT I STILL GET
TO DO THE FLOORS!
WHEE!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I THINK THE FLOORS
ARE MY TURF NOW.
OK...
THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE
GETTING THIS JOB, SISTER.
BUT YOU'RE THE WIFE.
GOOD-BYE, KITCHEN. I
SURE AM GONNA MISS YA.
♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU ♪
♪ LIKE NOBODY'S LOVED YOU ♪
SHE'S DOING THE KITCHEN.
SCORE!
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
OH, COME ON, DICK. I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW WE WOULDN'T
HAVE BROUGHT HER BACK HERE
UNLESS WE WERE FORCED TO.
YEAH, I GUESS NOT.
AT LEAST WE'RE ALL
TOGETHER AGAIN, RIGHT?
YEAH. AND WHAT THE HELL?
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
TOUGHER TIMES BEFORE, HUH?
OH, GUYS!
OHH!
ARE THERE ALIENS AMONG US?
TONIGHT LOCAL
RESIDENTS REPORT SEEING
MYSTERIOUS LIGHTS IN THE SKY
OVER THE OLD SWEENEY FARM.
WHOA! THAT'S THE
PLACE WHERE WE LANDED!
OK, ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
SALLY CLEANED UP
THE LANDING SITE.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
CLEAN UP THE LANDING SITE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I SAID I WAS GOING TO
CLEAN UP THE LANDING SITE.
SO YOU CLEANED
UP THE LANDING SITE.
NO.
AAH!
OH, GOD!
HURRY!
HURRY!
HURRY UP, GET OVER THERE!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
OH, DON!
SALLY!
YOU MADE MY HEART
JUMP RIGHT INTO MY MOUTH.
OHH!
SWALLOW.
NICE FLASHLIGHT.
I WAS ABOUT TO SAY
THE SAME THING TO YOU.
SALLY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I THOUGHT WE HAD
A GOOD THING GOING.
OH, DON, WE DID. I JUST...
I NEEDED TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME,
YOU KNOW, TO THINK THINGS OVER.
I JUST WENT ON ONE
THOSE SPONTANEOUS TRIPS,
YOU KNOW, TO, UM, UH...
SEA WORLD. TURKEY.
YEAH, THE SEA WORLD IN TURKEY.
FUNNY, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE
WAS A SEA WORLD IN TURKEY.
THERE'S SEA WORLDS
EVERYWHERE, DON.
YOU JUST GOT TO
KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.
WH-WH-WHAT ARE YOU
ALL DOING OUT HERE
IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT?
OH, WELL, TOMMY AND I WERE JUST GOING
TO GO DOWN TO OLD MAN SWEENEY'S CREEK
AND LOOK FOR TADPOLES,
WHILE HARRY HERE KEPT
YOU BUSY. COME ON, TOMMY.
CIRCLE.
YEAH. SURE IS.
YOU KNOW, HARRY,
THERE ARE SOME CRACKPOTS
SAYING THAT THIS IS THE WORK OF UFOs.
HAH.
AS IF THERE COULD BE
INTELLIGENT LIFE OUT THERE.
WHAT A LOAD OF HOOEY.
HOOEY?
OH, YEAH. SO MUCH BUNK,
YOU CAN MAKE A BED OUT OF IT.
OH, IT'S BUNK, IS IT?
ANY MORON WITH HALF
A BRAIN KNOWS THAT.
HALF A BRAIN. I SEE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, DON,
IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE OUT THERE,
AND NOT JUST SMALL BIG.
BIG BIG.
WHY, IN THE BELLETRIX
SYSTEM ALONE
THERE ARE OVER
44 TRILLION PLANETS.
44 TRILLION?
THAT'S THE BIGGEST NUMBER
I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.
YEAH. SO DON'T YOU THINK
ON JUST ONE OF THOSE PLANETS
THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOME
SPECIES... SMARTER THAN YOU...
THAT WOULD BE CAPABLE
OF BUILDING A SPACESHIP?
STATISTICALLY, I SUPPOSE.
MAYBE THERE IS MORE TO
THIS THAN MEETS THE EYE.
THANK YOU, HARRY.
NO.
THANK YOU, DON.
ALIENS, HUH?
AAH!
UHH!
IT'S JUST WHEAT.
JUST WHEAT.
WHAT'S THAT?!
HUH?!
SO, JANET, WHAT DO YOU CALL
THESE THINGS WE'RE EATING?
PANCAKES.
THESE ARE PANCAKES?
I THOUGHT PANCAKES WERE
BURNT GLOBS OF DOUGH
THAT EXPLODE WITH FLOUR
WHEN YOU BITE INTO THEM...
SALLY.
ME, TOO.
GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
I'M JUST PUTTING THE FINISHING
TOUCHES ON YOUR LUNCH.
OW, WOW, DICK,
YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
I FEEL EVEN WORSE.
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
ALL NIGHT LONG,
JANET KEPT TRYING TO
TOUCH MY WACKY PLACE.
I WOUND UP SLEEPING
BEHIND THE TV.
ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS HOW
MUCH I WANTED TO BE WITH MARY.
SHH! SHH!
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE
JANET A CHANCE.
I DON'T GOTTA DO NOTHIN'!
JANET.
YES, DEAR.
YOU KNOW THIS WHOLE THING
WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR HUSBAND
AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY WIFE?
OF COURSE. IT'S NEVER
GONNA WORK OUT.
AND THE SOONER WE FACE UP
TO THAT, THE HAPPIER WE'LL BE.
THERE NOW.
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I'M ALL WET!
NO, STOP. DON'T DO THAT.
NO, STOP! STOP!
I'M LEAKING!
SALLY!
OH, IT'S FINE,
HONEY. IT'S NORMAL.
JUST GO DRY YOUR EYES, AND
WE'LL SHOP FOR SHOES, OK, HONEY?
YOU CANNOT TALK TO HER LIKE
THAT! WE'LL ALL GET INCINERATED!
WELL, I THINK WE ALL LOVE MARY
ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT SACRIFICE.
NO! NO! AM I RIGHT?
WH... WH...
WELL, I DO.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ARE THESE?
PANCAKES.
JANET'S PANCAKES.
THESE ARE PANCAKES? I
THOUGHT PANCAKES WERE...
ME, TOO!
OK?
HEY, DICK...
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
IT LOOKS WONDERFUL!
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BRING YOUR
LUNCH IN A PICNIC BASKET BEFORE.
WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
IN A THONG BIKINI BEFORE,
BUT THERE'S A FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
NO. WHAT DID YOU MAKE?
WHAT DID I MAKE?
W-W-WELL, THAT'S A... AN EASY
ENOUGH, UH, QUESTION TO ANSWER.
I'LL JUST, UH, OPEN
IT UP AND SHOW YOU.
PEPPERED DUCK PATé
AND WHEAT CRACKERS,
UH, THAI NOODLES, HOMEMADE
CHOCOLATE-CHUNK COOKIES.
OH!
A FLOWER?
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOUR FIANCé
BRINGING YOU A FLOWER?
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
I'M SORRY, MARY.
I KNOW THAT, UH, LATELY
I-I'VE BEEN ACTING
A LITTLE STRANGE.
LATELY?
OK. FOR THE LAST FEW MINUTES.
BUT I'M GOING TO
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
NINA!
YES?
WILL YOU MAKE A
RESERVATION FOR 2 TONIGHT
AT LA PETITE ORANGE?
LA PETITE ORANGE?
OUI.
WHAT DID HE DO?
NOTHING.
OH, YEAH, HE DID
SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT.
ALL I'VE DONE IS TO LOVE MARY
MORE THAN ANY OTHER
WOMAN IN THIS WORLD.
NO MATTER HOW GOOD
THEIR PANCAKES ARE.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?
YEAH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?
OH, YEAH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?
YEAH.
OH, DICK!
CAN WE DO THIS?
OHH!
NO!
MRS. DUBCEK, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M TALKING TO YOUR... WIFE.
WELL, I THINK YOU TWO
HAVE TALKED LONG ENOUGH.
JANET, PLEASE!
I CAN GET INTO MY
PAJAMAS IN MY OWN TIME!
YES, DEAR.
YOU KNOW, A WOMAN
DOESN'T HAVE TO PRETEND THAT
SHE'S YOUR WIFE TO SLEEP OVER,
UNLESS THAT'S WHAT
SPIKES YOUR PUNCH.
JANET, GET OFF ME!
GO MAKE ME AN
ENGLISH MUFFIN PIZZA.
YES, MY LITTLE KREPLACH!
OOH!
LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I HAVE A PLAN.
I'LL GO GET JANET.
NO, NO!
IT'S A PLAN TO GET RID OF JANET.
RIGHT. NICE SAVE.
DICK, YOU CAN'T
JUST KICK HER OUT.
I KNOW.
BUT WHAT IF SHE WANTED TO LEAVE?
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE.
NOT YET. BUT I THINK
I CAN CHANGE THAT.
WATCH. WATCH...
AS I BECOME
THE MOST OBNOXIOUS, REPULSIVE
CREEP ANY WOMAN HAS EVER MET.
WOW! THE TRANSFORMATION
IS ASTOUNDING.
I'M IMPRESSED!
I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET!
BUT I MUST START IMMEDIATELY.
HARRY, GO PICK UP MARY
AND TAKE HER TO
LA PETITE ORANGE.
HERE'S A 20.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO
COST MORE THAN THAT.
WELL, YOU WON'T BE EATING.
ALL RIGHTY.
YOUR MINI PIZZA IS READY.
UH, COMING... DEAR.
IT BEGINS.
3rd ROCK FROM THE SUN...
WE FOUR ALIENS DREAMED
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
YOU WANT TO KNOW!
OF COURSE YOU WILL, DR. SOLOMON.
NATURALLY, NOT BEING HUMAN, WE
THOUGHT OUR BRAINS WERE DECOMPOSING.
WE PLANNED AN IMMEDIATE
RETURN TO THE HOME PLANET.
WE'LL LEAVE TONIGHT AT 8:53.
W-WHEN ARE WE COMING BACK?
COULD BE A WEEK, A
YEAR, COULD BE 200 YEARS.
WHAT ABOUT MARY?
OH, SHE'LL BE DEAD.
MAYBE I AM LOSING MY MIND,
BUT WHILE THERE'S A LITTLE
LEFT, I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
THIS IS SO GREAT!
I KNOW!
UH, DICK, ARE YOU SURE?
ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, THIS IS GOOD-BYE THEN.
I HAD A DREAM YOU
ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU.
YOU HAD A WHAT?
PEOPLE DREAM.
PEOPLE DREAM?!
HELLO! SALLY!
HARRY!
THEY'RE GONE.
I MISS THEM.
Minister: AND THAT TOGETHERNESS
IS WHAT IS MOST CELEBRATED
ABOUT THIS VERY
SPECIAL OCCASION.
OH, MARY, THIS IS THE
HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
AND I LOOK SMASHING
IN MY TUXEDO.
MY BOW TIE MATCHES
MY CUMMERBUND.
YOU'RE NOT WEARING A CUMMERBUND.
YES, I AM.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
WEAR IT ON THE OUTSIDE.
OH. OH, THAT EXPLAINS THE RASH.
NOW, THEN, IF ANYONE
OBJECTS TO THIS SACRED UNION,
SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER
HOLD YOUR PEACE.
Sally: I OBJECT.
I THINK THAT'S MY ARM.
HUH? OH, SORRY.
MY FAMILY! YOU MADE IT!
I WAS AFRAID I WAS NEVER
GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
YOU LOOK WELL.
YOU GOT SOME COLOR.
COULD HAVE USED
YOU AT THE WHEEL, DICK.
OH, BUT NO.
YOU HAD TO STAY AND
MARRY THAT EARTH CHICK.
YEAH. WITH TRAGIC
RESULTS FOR US.
I... I TRIED TO CONTACT
YOU. I TRIED EVERYTHING.
I EVEN BUILT A TRANSMITTER,
BUT THEN I... SPILLED
GRAPE SODA ON IT,
AND THE WHOLE THING SHORTED OUT.
HOWEVER, I DID MANAGE TO
HAVE A BRIEF CONVERSATION
WITH THE CAPTAIN
OF A SHRIMP BOAT.
SO THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO MAKE IT BETTER?
OH, COME ON. YOU GOT TO
GO BACK TO THE HOME PLANET.
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?
OH, NOTHING.
EXCEPT WHEN YOU PASS
TOO CLOSE TO A QUASAR
AND THIS HAPPENS!
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'VE TURNED INTO A WOMAN!
WELL, NOT EVERYWHERE.
AS IF SHOWERING IN GYM CLASS
WASN'T TRAUMATIC ENOUGH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DICK, I THINK IT'S
TIME TO CUT THE CAKE!
I-I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
Y-YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
LEAVE AGAIN, ARE YOU?
NO.
WE HAVE SOME...
UNFINISHED BUSINESS
TO TAKE CARE OF.
I-I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!
AAH! AAH!
OOH! OOH!
AAH! AH!
NO, I'M SORRY!
I'M SORRY! STOP!
STOP!
YOU'RE RUINING MY TUXEDO!
STOP!
DICK, I MADE BREAKFAST!
DICK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, NO, MARY,
I HAD ANOTHER ONE OF
THOSE HORRIBLE DREAMS!
WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE GETTING MARRIED.
THANK YOU.
NO, NO.
NO, THAT WAS THE GOOD PART,
BUT THEN MY FAMILY SHOWED UP.
OH. DON'T TELL
ME. THEY OBJECTED.
WELL... THEY HAD ISSUES.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE PREPARED A SHORT
SPEECH JUST IN CASE THEY DID.
IT'S JUST BASICALLY 2 WORDS,
AND ONE OF THEM'S "OFF."
MARY...
MARY...
I THINK I MADE A BIG MISTAKE.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET
THEM GO OFF WITHOUT ME.
UH, ON VACATION.
WELL, UNTIL THEY GET BACK,
CAN'T WE JUST ENJOY
OUR TIME ALONE?
ALONE?
DICK, ARE YOU HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT US?
ABOUT US? OH, NO, MARY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
YOU'RE THE ONLY
THING KEEPING ME SANE.
OHH!
AND IT'S A FULL-TIME JOB.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I'M GOING TO GET READY FOR WORK.
YA CRAZY LUG.
HA HA HA HA HA!
I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH.
AND MY OATMEAL IS SO LUMPY.
UH, WELCOME BACK, CLASS.
UH, BEFORE WE BEGIN,
I'D LIKE TO HEAR WHAT
EVERYBODY DID OVER THEIR BREAK.
UH, BUG?
ME?
UH, W-WELL, I
SPENT A LOT OF TIME
IN A CABIN IN THE
WOODS WITH MY FOLKS...
THAT'S NICE. CARYN?
OH, UH, WELL,
I WENT TO THE GRAND CANYON
WITH MY BROTHER AND SISTER AND...
OH, ENOUGH ABOUT
YOUR DAMN FAMILIES!
DIDN'T ANYBODY SPEND
THE BREAK ALONE,
WATCHING RERUNS AND
EATING CHEESE DOODLES
WHILE AN UNFATHOMABLE EMPTINESS
PERMEATED THEIR SHRIVELED SOULS?
I SAW BOOTY CALL
ON PAY-PER-VIEW.
DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME
UP, LEON. IT WON'T WORK.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE
TO TALK ABOUT, DR. SOLOMON?
TALK ABOUT? WITH YOU, LEON?
HA HA HA HA!
WELL, YOU KNOW I
AM A PSYCH MAJOR...
NOW.
YOU ARE?
WELL, THEN...
HELP ME OUT.
I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE MISTAKE,
AND I CAN'T STOP HATING
MYSELF FOR MAKING IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, DR. SOLOMON,
A PERSON SHOULD NEVER BE SAD
FOR THE MISTAKES HE'S MADE.
ONLY FOR THE MISTAKES
HE'S ABOUT TO MAKE.
LEON, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT ALSO EXPLAINS WHY
YOU ALWAYS SEEM SO SAD.
THANK YOU, LEON.
YOU'VE MADE IT ALL SO CLEAR.
I'VE GOT TO LEARN TO LET GO,
TO MOVE FORWARD
AND FOCUS ON THE THING
THAT'S MOST
IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE.
ME!
YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN I
THOUGHT OUR BRAINS WERE MELTING?
YOU REMEMBER THAT?
WELL, IT TURNS OUT WE
WERE JUST DREAMING.
BUT, HEY, NONE OF
YOU CAUGHT IT EITHER.
I MEAN, IT WAS PRETTY STUPID ON ALL
OUR PARTS, ESPECIALLY YOUR PARTS.
I'M NOT TAKING THE
BLAME ON THIS ONE!
OOH! OOH!
I'M SORRY. LET'S NOT FIGHT.
I MISS YOU...
WITH ALL MY HEART.
I'VE COME HERE EVERY NIGHT
HOPING YOU'D RETURNED...
BUT YOU NEVER HAVE.
AND SO I'VE COME TO A DECISION.
SALLY, HARRY, TOMMY,
I CAN'T GO ON TORTURING
MYSELF ANYMORE.
I HAVE TO MOVE
FORWARD WITH MY LIFE,
THE LIFE I'VE CHOSEN WITH MARY.
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.
AND SO GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE, SALLY.
GOOD-BYE, TOMMY.
GOOD-BYE, HARRY.
Harry: GOOD-BYE, DICK!
IT'S ALMOST AS IF I
COULD HEAR YOU.
Harry, crying: IT SURE IS!
HARRY!
YOU'RE BACK!
YOU'RE ALL BACK!
OH, I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH!
OH, SALLY!
OH, HARRY!
TOMMY!
OHH!
A WOMAN I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!
WHO'S THIS?!
THE BIG GIANT HEAD SENT HER.
DICK, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET...
YOUR NEW WIFE!
MY WIFE?!
HI, HONEY, I'M HOME!
FAMILY MEETING!
FAMILY MEETING!
NO, NOT YOU.
THAT IS NOT MY WIFE.
SO? I'M NOT YOUR SISTER.
YEAH, AND I'M NOT YOUR BROTHER.
HE'S CERTAINLY NOT MY UNCLE.
AND I'M NOT HIS AUNT.
I'M NOT HIS FATHER.
YOU SEE? THIS WOMAN IS
TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!
THAT'S IT. MEETING ADJOURNED.
THAT WOMAN IS NOT MY
WIFE. I'M ENGAGED TO MARY.
DICK, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FORGET ABOUT HER.
NO, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.
IT'S GOT TO BE
ANOTHER CRAZY DREAM.
IT'S NOT A DREAM, DICK.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I STILL DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I'LL NEVER BELIEVE YOU!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I
BELIEVE YOU! I BELIEVE YOU!
CAN I RUB THAT FOR YOU?
OH, LEAVE ME ALONE.
YES, DEAR.
GO AWAY!
THANK YOU!
UH, LOOK, DICK, HERE'S THE DEAL.
THE BIG GIANT HEAD THINKS YOUR
PURSUIT OF THAT BLONDE WENCH
IS DISTRACTING YOU
FROM YOUR DUTIES.
HOW DOES HE KNOW SO
MUCH ABOUT MY WENCH?
HE SUMMONED US BEFORE HIM.
HE MADE US WEAR THE TRUTH BELT.
THE ONE WITH THE BUZZER?
BZZZ!
IT WAS HORRIBLE, DICK.
SO YOU CAVED, LIEUTENANT?
YES!
YOU JUST BROUGHT HER HERE?
IT WAS EITHER THAT
OR THE BIG GIANT HEAD
WAS GOING TO HAVE YOU
SUCKED BACK TO THE HOME PLANET.
THEN I'D RATHER BE SUCKED!
OH, TYPICAL!
YOU KNOW, DICK, IT
MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD.
THIS WOMAN, SHE IS 100% WIFE.
I MEAN, ALL SHE READ
ON THE WAY OVER WAS
THE JOY OF COOKING
AND THE JOY OF SEX.
THIS CAR IS MESHUGGAH!
OH, YEAH. AND
THE JOY OF YIDDISH.
DID YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT
WE HAVE 3 HOLES IN OUR HEADS?
5.
3.
2 HERE AND THEN THIS ONE.
FEEL THE SIDES OF YOUR HEAD.
OHH!
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
JUST WAIT. THERE'S MORE.
ISN'T SHE ADORABLE?
WE'VE BEEN CALLING HER JANET.
WELL, MOST OF US HAVE.
I'M TELLING YOU, SHE
LOOKS LIKE A ZIPPY...
HARRY, NO! I'VE
BEEN TELLING YOU...
NOW THAT'S ENOUGH!
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
GET IN THE CAR. WE'RE
DITCHING THIS WOMAN.
WE CAN'T DO THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE WE CAN.
I'LL JUST PUT IT IN DRIVE,
AND WE'LL FLY LIKE THE WIND!
TOMMY.
TELL HIM.
SHE IS THE BIG
GIANT HEAD'S NIECE.
WELL... SO WHAT?
WHAT'S THE WORST
THING THAT CAN HAPPEN
IF WE LEAVE HER HERE?
BIG GIANT COURT-MARTIALS.
FOLLOWED BY BIG
GIANT EXECUTIONS.
AND THEN 4 TINY LITTLE FUNERALS.
I DON'T CARE.
I'VE CHOSEN LOVE
OVER DEATH BEFORE.
YEAH, WELL, I HAVEN'T.
JANET, GET IN THE CAR!
WH... YOU... WH...
OH...
DAMN!
OWW!
SOME WIFE.
OH! FOOD!
GOD, I'M STARVING!
AH.
YOU WAITED.
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
OHHH!
IT'S OUR FIRST HOME.
I LOVE IT!
WHERE'S OUR BEDROOM?
OH, NO, NO, UH, THAT
WON'T BE NECESSARY.
NO! I WANT TO BE
THE BEST WIFE EVER!
WELL, UH... GOOD
LUCK TO YOU. BYE, NOW.
NO, DON'T FIGHT IT, SWEETIE.
LET ME LOVE YOU.
WHERE'S OUR BOUDOIR?
OH... OH... OH,
WELL, UH... UH...
A LONG STORY SHORT,
WE DON'T HAVE ONE.
OK, THEN.
WHOA!
UHH! OHH!
OHH!
OK!
THAT WAS FUN, AND YOU WERE GOOD.
I WAS AMAZING. WE'RE DONE.
NOW...
GO ENJOY A SANDWICH.
OK, THEN!
SSSSSPANK ME.
THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE
THERE'S NO CLEAN DISHES.
GOD, THIS PLACE IS A PIG STY.
YEAH, YOU BETTER GET ON IT.
OH, THANKS, TOMMY.
THAT'S A NICE WELCOME HO...
JANET.
I LOVE THIS ROOM.
OH, WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE?
DID YOU KNOW THAT
THIS IS WHERE I DO
ALL OF MY COOKING AND CLEANING?
I MEAN, THERE IS NO
GREATER HONOR FOR A WOMAN.
ME, I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.
IN FACT, I'M GONNA CLEAN
SOME DISHES RIGHT NOW.
HA HA HA!
OH, YEAH!
OH, BUT I'M THE WIFE.
SHOULDN'T I BE ABLE
TO DO THE DISHES?
NO. THIS IS TOO MUCH FUN, OK?
PLEASE!
OK, IF YOU INSIST.
BUT I STILL GET
TO DO THE FLOORS!
WHEE!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
I THINK THE FLOORS
ARE MY TURF NOW.
OK...
THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE
GETTING THIS JOB, SISTER.
BUT YOU'RE THE WIFE.
GOOD-BYE, KITCHEN. I
SURE AM GONNA MISS YA.
♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU ♪
♪ LIKE NOBODY'S LOVED YOU ♪
SHE'S DOING THE KITCHEN.
SCORE!
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
OH, COME ON, DICK. I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW WE WOULDN'T
HAVE BROUGHT HER BACK HERE
UNLESS WE WERE FORCED TO.
YEAH, I GUESS NOT.
AT LEAST WE'RE ALL
TOGETHER AGAIN, RIGHT?
YEAH. AND WHAT THE HELL?
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
TOUGHER TIMES BEFORE, HUH?
OH, GUYS!
OHH!
ARE THERE ALIENS AMONG US?
TONIGHT LOCAL
RESIDENTS REPORT SEEING
MYSTERIOUS LIGHTS IN THE SKY
OVER THE OLD SWEENEY FARM.
WHOA! THAT'S THE
PLACE WHERE WE LANDED!
OK, ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
SALLY CLEANED UP
THE LANDING SITE.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA
CLEAN UP THE LANDING SITE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I SAID I WAS GOING TO
CLEAN UP THE LANDING SITE.
SO YOU CLEANED
UP THE LANDING SITE.
NO.
AAH!
OH, GOD!
HURRY!
HURRY!
HURRY UP, GET OVER THERE!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
OH, DON!
SALLY!
YOU MADE MY HEART
JUMP RIGHT INTO MY MOUTH.
OHH!
SWALLOW.
NICE FLASHLIGHT.
I WAS ABOUT TO SAY
THE SAME THING TO YOU.
SALLY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I THOUGHT WE HAD
A GOOD THING GOING.
OH, DON, WE DID. I JUST...
I NEEDED TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME,
YOU KNOW, TO THINK THINGS OVER.
I JUST WENT ON ONE
THOSE SPONTANEOUS TRIPS,
YOU KNOW, TO, UM, UH...
SEA WORLD. TURKEY.
YEAH, THE SEA WORLD IN TURKEY.
FUNNY, I DIDN'T KNOW THERE
WAS A SEA WORLD IN TURKEY.
THERE'S SEA WORLDS
EVERYWHERE, DON.
YOU JUST GOT TO
KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.
WH-WH-WHAT ARE YOU
ALL DOING OUT HERE
IN THE DEAD OF THE NIGHT?
OH, WELL, TOMMY AND I WERE JUST GOING
TO GO DOWN TO OLD MAN SWEENEY'S CREEK
AND LOOK FOR TADPOLES,
WHILE HARRY HERE KEPT
YOU BUSY. COME ON, TOMMY.
CIRCLE.
YEAH. SURE IS.
YOU KNOW, HARRY,
THERE ARE SOME CRACKPOTS
SAYING THAT THIS IS THE WORK OF UFOs.
HAH.
AS IF THERE COULD BE
INTELLIGENT LIFE OUT THERE.
WHAT A LOAD OF HOOEY.
HOOEY?
OH, YEAH. SO MUCH BUNK,
YOU CAN MAKE A BED OUT OF IT.
OH, IT'S BUNK, IS IT?
ANY MORON WITH HALF
A BRAIN KNOWS THAT.
HALF A BRAIN. I SEE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, DON,
IT'S A BIG UNIVERSE OUT THERE,
AND NOT JUST SMALL BIG.
BIG BIG.
WHY, IN THE BELLETRIX
SYSTEM ALONE
THERE ARE OVER
44 TRILLION PLANETS.
44 TRILLION?
THAT'S THE BIGGEST NUMBER
I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.
YEAH. SO DON'T YOU THINK
ON JUST ONE OF THOSE PLANETS
THAT THERE MIGHT BE SOME
SPECIES... SMARTER THAN YOU...
THAT WOULD BE CAPABLE
OF BUILDING A SPACESHIP?
STATISTICALLY, I SUPPOSE.
MAYBE THERE IS MORE TO
THIS THAN MEETS THE EYE.
THANK YOU, HARRY.
NO.
THANK YOU, DON.
ALIENS, HUH?
AAH!
UHH!
IT'S JUST WHEAT.
JUST WHEAT.
WHAT'S THAT?!
HUH?!
SO, JANET, WHAT DO YOU CALL
THESE THINGS WE'RE EATING?
PANCAKES.
THESE ARE PANCAKES?
I THOUGHT PANCAKES WERE
BURNT GLOBS OF DOUGH
THAT EXPLODE WITH FLOUR
WHEN YOU BITE INTO THEM...
SALLY.
ME, TOO.
GOOD MORNING, DEAR.
I'M JUST PUTTING THE FINISHING
TOUCHES ON YOUR LUNCH.
OW, WOW, DICK,
YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
I FEEL EVEN WORSE.
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
ALL NIGHT LONG,
JANET KEPT TRYING TO
TOUCH MY WACKY PLACE.
I WOUND UP SLEEPING
BEHIND THE TV.
ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS HOW
MUCH I WANTED TO BE WITH MARY.
SHH! SHH!
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE
JANET A CHANCE.
I DON'T GOTTA DO NOTHIN'!
JANET.
YES, DEAR.
YOU KNOW THIS WHOLE THING
WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR HUSBAND
AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY WIFE?
OF COURSE. IT'S NEVER
GONNA WORK OUT.
AND THE SOONER WE FACE UP
TO THAT, THE HAPPIER WE'LL BE.
THERE NOW.
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I'M ALL WET!
NO, STOP. DON'T DO THAT.
NO, STOP! STOP!
I'M LEAKING!
SALLY!
OH, IT'S FINE,
HONEY. IT'S NORMAL.
JUST GO DRY YOUR EYES, AND
WE'LL SHOP FOR SHOES, OK, HONEY?
YOU CANNOT TALK TO HER LIKE
THAT! WE'LL ALL GET INCINERATED!
WELL, I THINK WE ALL LOVE MARY
ENOUGH TO MAKE THAT SACRIFICE.
NO! NO! AM I RIGHT?
WH... WH...
WELL, I DO.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT ARE THESE?
PANCAKES.
JANET'S PANCAKES.
THESE ARE PANCAKES? I
THOUGHT PANCAKES WERE...
ME, TOO!
OK?
HEY, DICK...
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
IT LOOKS WONDERFUL!
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BRING YOUR
LUNCH IN A PICNIC BASKET BEFORE.
WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
IN A THONG BIKINI BEFORE,
BUT THERE'S A FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
NO. WHAT DID YOU MAKE?
WHAT DID I MAKE?
W-W-WELL, THAT'S A... AN EASY
ENOUGH, UH, QUESTION TO ANSWER.
I'LL JUST, UH, OPEN
IT UP AND SHOW YOU.
PEPPERED DUCK PATé
AND WHEAT CRACKERS,
UH, THAI NOODLES, HOMEMADE
CHOCOLATE-CHUNK COOKIES.
OH!
A FLOWER?
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOUR FIANCé
BRINGING YOU A FLOWER?
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
I'M SORRY, MARY.
I KNOW THAT, UH, LATELY
I-I'VE BEEN ACTING
A LITTLE STRANGE.
LATELY?
OK. FOR THE LAST FEW MINUTES.
BUT I'M GOING TO
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
NINA!
YES?
WILL YOU MAKE A
RESERVATION FOR 2 TONIGHT
AT LA PETITE ORANGE?
LA PETITE ORANGE?
OUI.
WHAT DID HE DO?
NOTHING.
OH, YEAH, HE DID
SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT.
ALL I'VE DONE IS TO LOVE MARY
MORE THAN ANY OTHER
WOMAN IN THIS WORLD.
NO MATTER HOW GOOD
THEIR PANCAKES ARE.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?
YEAH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?
OH, YEAH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?
YEAH.
OH, DICK!
CAN WE DO THIS?
OHH!
NO!
MRS. DUBCEK, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M TALKING TO YOUR... WIFE.
WELL, I THINK YOU TWO
HAVE TALKED LONG ENOUGH.
JANET, PLEASE!
I CAN GET INTO MY
PAJAMAS IN MY OWN TIME!
YES, DEAR.
YOU KNOW, A WOMAN
DOESN'T HAVE TO PRETEND THAT
SHE'S YOUR WIFE TO SLEEP OVER,
UNLESS THAT'S WHAT
SPIKES YOUR PUNCH.
JANET, GET OFF ME!
GO MAKE ME AN
ENGLISH MUFFIN PIZZA.
YES, MY LITTLE KREPLACH!
OOH!
LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I HAVE A PLAN.
I'LL GO GET JANET.
NO, NO!
IT'S A PLAN TO GET RID OF JANET.
RIGHT. NICE SAVE.
DICK, YOU CAN'T
JUST KICK HER OUT.
I KNOW.
BUT WHAT IF SHE WANTED TO LEAVE?
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE.
NOT YET. BUT I THINK
I CAN CHANGE THAT.
WATCH. WATCH...
AS I BECOME
THE MOST OBNOXIOUS, REPULSIVE
CREEP ANY WOMAN HAS EVER MET.
WOW! THE TRANSFORMATION
IS ASTOUNDING.
I'M IMPRESSED!
I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET!
BUT I MUST START IMMEDIATELY.
HARRY, GO PICK UP MARY
AND TAKE HER TO
LA PETITE ORANGE.
HERE'S A 20.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO
COST MORE THAN THAT.
WELL, YOU WON'T BE EATING.
ALL RIGHTY.
YOUR MINI PIZZA IS READY.
UH, COMING... DEAR.
IT BEGINS.