3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 2 - Post-Nasal Dick - full transcript

"The force-carrying particles
exchanged between matter particles

are said to be
virtual particles

because, unlike real particles,
they cannot be directly detected

by a particle detector."

The people
on this planet

will swallow anything.

Ooh, finally.

My pictures of
"the today show" gang.

Ooh, my favorite--

Martha Stewart.

- Is it autographed?
- No, but she signed it.



She looks
good enough to eat.

- So, how was school today?
- The best ever.

I had my very first
make-Out session.

- Good for you.
- It was with Dina, my lab partner.

- Dina, the one with the...?
- Oh, yeah.

Tell us everything.
I want details.

At first
I was conflicted.

We come from very
different backgrounds.

I'm an alien,
and she's a presbyterian.

I have a highly
developed mind,

and she's got that...
big, pouty mouth.

- I tell you, Dick, it was a tough decision.
- What tipped the scales?

She let me.

Really?



- What happened next?
- Well, I don't know what came over me,

but... they
were so big

and round
and beautiful,

- I just had to touch them.
- And then what?

She screamed, "ow, my eyes!" And that just...

- basically killed the mood.
- Damn.

"It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times."

I'm not reading
387 pages

if he can't make up his mind
in the first sentence.

Great. Wonderful.

Thanks for nothing.

What happened?

My date for a wedding tomorrow
night canceled at the last minute.

His brother came out
of the coma.

- A wedding?
- Yeah, a big reception.

- A ritual?
- Very traditional-- crying, dancing.

And the female devours the male
immediately after the ceremony?

No. That's a process

that takes
years and years.

- Nina, are you married?
- No.

Why not? What are
you doing wrong?

You sound just
like my mother.

That must be very
confusing for you.

I wish I didn't Rsvp. I hate
going to these things by myself.

I'd love to go to
the wedding with you.

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do
that at such short notice.

- I don't mind.
- It's a two-hour drive.

- I'll pay for the gas.
- You'd have to wear a suit.

- I'm wearing a suit.
- A nice suit.

I'll get one. You can pick it
out, whatever it takes. I'll do it!

- You're going to make me say this, aren't you?
- What?

It's not that I don't find
you charming in your own way.

It's just that you
tend to make

a vivid impression
on people.

Well, I am
the high commander.

That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

I promise you I'll be
on my best behavior.

- You won't bring any of your family?
- Just me.

Fine.
You can come.

Excellent!

My first wedding!
I can't wait!

Oh, and be sure
to wear something

that shows the crack
in your breasts.

I don't know what the school nurse
is talking about. I don't see any bug.

I know. She said I probably got it from Dina,

but I don't get how unless
the bug swam in with the saliva.

- This is interesting. My throat tickles.
- Mine, too.

You know, I tried using
a stick to scratch it,

but that just brought up
a whole new set of problems.

Okay, Sally, this shirt,
this tie, these socks?

- Or this shirt, this tie, these socks?
- Stop. What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry,
but Mary's counting on me.

I want to look my best
for the wedding.

- What is it with you and that blonde?
- Nothing.

This is strictly research.

But to describe her
as blonde is inaccurate.

Her hair is
more like honey

with flaxen highlights
and just a whisper of gold

dancing playfully
about the halo

that surrounds her.

So she's not blonde.

I'm sorry. I guess I just haven't
seen her through your love goggles.

I don't love her--

this is a perfect opportunity
to observe a wedding firsthand.

- There's a lot we don't understand.
- Like what?

Well, it's really
a very fascinating ritual.

The ceremony begins with
the bride being given away.

Excuse me. Given away,
like an object?

As in "free girl
with every large fries"?

Wait. There's free
girls? Can I go?

Fries? Can I go?

No... I'm afraid not. Dr.
Albright has already RSVP'd.

You said you'd stop
spelling in front of me.

Wow!

- What was that?
- I don't know,

but I want
another one.

Oh!

Ooh!

Was it as good for you
as it was for me?

- Good morning,
Dr. Solomon.

Good morning.

I seem to be having a
little trouble swallowing.

Do you happen to know if
there's an alternate stomach access?

- Are you sick?
- Yes, and the novelty is starting to wear off.

You're sick and you're
breathing my air.

Which air is yours?

- I'll get you some tea.
- What's this?

This is brilliant!

You're sick. You should be home in bed.

This is my first date
with Dr. Albright.

Dr. Solomon, I'm sure
she'll understand.

Nina, please. This is
very important to me.

Promise me you won't let
Dr. Albright know...

that... I'm sick.

She won't hear it
from me.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Dr. Albright.

I'm fine, thanks.

Good. I'm looking
forward to tonight.

- Aren't you?
- Absolutely.

It'll be fun. Why don't you
pick me up around 7:00-ish?

7:00-ish on the dot.

Better make it 6:30. You
might have trouble park...ing.

You might, but I'm
very good at it.

Oh, I'm late
for class.

- See you tonight.
- Can't wait.

My head is throbbing.

- Me, too.
- Mine's worse.

And my back is aching.

- Me, too.
- Mine's killing me.

My breasts feel like

two hot steaming
bowls of chili.

She wins.

This is all
your fault.

You brought a foreign
germ into this house.

Hey, I have as much
a right to be here

as anybody else.

See you later.

I'm not wearing pants.

I was wondering why the
lint brush wasn't working.

Dick, you are obviously
too sick to go.

Why don't you just stay home and
drip fluids with the rest of us?

Nonsense. I feel
perfectly fine.

Dick, I think Sally's right.
You should just stay home.

No. Now, help me
get my pants on.

And don't worry about me.

I've never been defeated
by a single-celled organism.

They are stealthy,
but they are stupid.

I am the high commander, and
I refuse to let this beat me.

Okay, fine. If you insist on being stubborn,

at least take some
of this cough syrup.

- I don't need it.
- Dick, you have to.

The lady at the drugstore
said if this doesn't work,

we have to put
a vaporizer in your room.

Oh, no.

- Tastes bad?
- No.

I just didn't clear
the zipper.

We are gathered together
here in the sight of god

and in the face
of this company

to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony,

which is
an honorable estate,

instituted of god,
signifying unto us...

...and his church, which holy
estate Christ adorned and...

now, which of
those guys is god?

- Be quiet.
- Okay,

but be sure to introduce me
later because I want some answers.

- Shh! Shh!
- Shh! Shh-hh!

Now, how were those two
able to find each other?

It was fate.

He's rich.
She wanted money

so she could sit on her
ass. I give it a year.

Oh...

that is so beautiful.

Look at them.
They belong together.

Do you think they have any idea
how ugly their children will be?

- Shh!
- Oh, you shush.

- Shh!
- Shh-hh!

Oh, this is so moving--

the love,
the closeness.

- Hold me.
- Oh, get off!

- All: shh!
- I don't want to play anymore!

Whoo!

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I got another hole here.

Whoo!

I made chicken soup.

It's supposed to make
us feel better.

Ahh!

Sally, you're amazing.
As sick as you are,

- you keep taking care of us.
- Yeah, I know.

I don't understand. All I want
to do is curl up into a ball.

Yet, somehow I'm compelled
to nurture you.

God, what
a cruel disease.

Why did we choose bodies
that could decay so easily?

I told you we should
come here as ducks,

but nobody listens to me.

How could Dina
do this to me

after I was nice enough
to spread the word

that she was
a good frencher?

After all the battles
I've fought in

and all the places
I've been, I--

I just can't believe
I'm gonna die

on a flea-infested
little planet

in the boondocks
of the galaxy...

in this outfit.

Now I'll never
fall in love,

never get used,
cheated on,

tossed aside
like an old shoe.

I'm glad I'm dying.

You know, I never told you
this, but I always thought

you'd make a totally
kick-Ass high commander.

Thanks.

I've always admired
your eloquence.

What about me?

No one can take a blow
to the head like you, Harry.

You don't know
what that means to me.

I love you guys.

I really wish you hadn't
wrestled the maid of honor for that.

I see. Men and women are completely equal

- until something pretty is being given away.
- Keep your voice down.

What was with that little
girl throwing away flowers?

What the hell
was her problem?

- It's time to leave.
- Oh, wait.

I haven't given you
your gift yet.

It's a toaster.

- Where did you get this?
- In the room full of prizes.

I'd like to propose a toast
to the bride and groom.

All:
hear, hear.

To a lifetime
of happiness together.

We give it a year!

Mary?
Mary, who is

this interesting
character you're with?

Dr. Richard Solomon
from the university.

Well, I didn't think
that you could top

the personal
trainer/playwright,

but you always
come through.

I'll have you know

Dr. Solomon is a highly
respected scholar and educator.

He may be
a bit eccentric,

but he is a wonderfully
exciting man.

I'm sure I'm having a much
better time than you are.

I'm proposing a toast.

I think I speak for
everyone when I say

that the most beautiful,
radiant woman in the room

is not the bride
but Mary Albright!

Yes, yes, yes!

Hi.

I have a special dish
and a special helper today--

Harry Solomon.

Harry is an alien.
I love aliens.

Mmm, and I love your
traditional oyster stuffing,

- in theory.
- Thank you.

Now, you're not feeling
very well, are you, Harry?

Oh, Martha, I feel
like I'm going to die.

Well, you need
a reason to live,

and I think I have one--
fall crisp

granny smith
apple cobbler.

Mmm!
A lattice crust.

Now, open wide.

Mmm!

See? You're
not going to die,

and that's
a good thing.

Harry.

Mm-mmm!

Mmm! Mmm!

Come in.

Martha Stewart says
I'm not gonna die.

- Is Tommy home?
- What? Oh, hey, Dina.

- Hey, Tommy.
- What are you doing here?

- I came by to see how you're feeling.
- I'm feeling better, thanks.

- I'm sorry I gave you the flu.
- Don't worry about it,

'cause anytime you want
to give me anything,

just let me know,

'cause if I had to
do it all over again,

I'd do it
all over again.

So is there a chance we
could do it all over again?

We could go
to my house.

- Great! Yeah, yeah.
- Who's that?

This is Dina. She's the one that got us sick.

- Destroy the incubator!

Thank you so much.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine. I could stay here all night.

- Not with me. I'm leaving.
- Very well.

- Wait.

Listen. It's 4/4 time
with a half-beat hesitation.

- We have to dance.
- No, we don't.

Yo quiero bailar
contigo.

What?

Allow me to translate using
the universal language...

of dance!

Ya! Ya! Ya!

Hai-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!

Oh, god, we're good!

Oh, my-- oh, my god,
you're burning up.

That's right. I'm burning up for you, baby.

- I'm taking you home and putting you to bed.
- All right!

We're having sex
tonight!

Ahh!

Oh, what a lovely
place you have.

Lie down.

Oh, not there.

Why didn't you tell me
you were sick?

- Dr. Albright?
- What?

I'm sick.

Do you know how dangerous
what you did was?

I know, because I
think I'm dying.

- Oh, shush.
- No, no, let me talk.

I have to tell
you something.

I don't know how much time I
have left, so listen closely.

If you wake up
in the morning

and find a quivering purple
mass wearing my watch,

don't touch it.

I won't.

Did you drink
this entire bottle?

- I have to tell you this.
- No, you have to lie down.

I come from
a different world.

And this is news?

You don't understand. I'm
an alien from another planet.

I'm telling you
this because...

I love you.

Whatever you say.

So much trouble,

but you are sweet.

I know.

Good morning, Nina. You'll be
glad to know I'm feeling much better.

I am so happy for you.
I'm going home.

- Why?
- Because I'm sick, that's why.

Really?
What a coincidence.

You're getting sick
just as I'm getting better.

Have a nice day.

Dr. Solomon, I see
you're feeling better.

- Yes, much.
- Thank you for coming to the wedding with me.

I know you were sick.
It meant a lot to me.

It was my pleasure.

You seem to have
more teeth than usual.

You don't remember anything
you said to me, do you?

Did I say anything
I shouldn't have?

Actually, you said
a lot of things.

Could you be
a little more specific?

Let's just say you
were very revealing.

I was delirious.

I was rambling.

What did I say?

You said...

"I love you."

Isn't that silly?

That was a close one. I
wasn't sure we were gonna make it.

When I thought
I was going to die,

I told Dr. Albright that I
loved her. Why did I do that?

When you face death,

you reassess
your priorities.

I've decided not to get
those breast implants.

You have to admire
these humans.

Their lives
are so fragile.

Yet, they're so willing to commit
their hearts to one another for a lifetime.

Or an afternoon with some
petri dish in a miniskirt.

Hey, at least I'm
gettin' some here, all right?

Well said.

? You don't have to
say you love me ?

? just be close at hand ?

? you don't have to
stay forever ?

? I will understand. ?