3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dick's First Birthday - full transcript
Dick finds out humans have birthdays and people should 'act their age' and therefore the crew should also get a birthday. This is no problem for Tommy, Harry and Sally since they feel fine with their body and the age that goes along with it. However, Dick, being middle-aged, doesn't like it one bit, especially since he really likes Lori, a student who thinks about studying at the university next year. This makes Dick change his hair color and his outfit.
AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
THE EARTH REVOLVES
AROUND THE SUN.
BUT ASK MOST HUMANS,
THEY'LL SAY IT
REVOLVES AROUND THEM.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
HARRY, COME OUT AND
LOOK AT THE STARS WITH US.
OH, NO.
YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME
OUT FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN.
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME SIX TIMES,
SHAME ON ME.
WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT NOW?
JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED
FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE
I BOUGHT AT A YARD SALE.
"DR. MARTIN BLAYNE'S PATH TO
PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION...
SAY YES TO YOU."
THIS WILL SOLVE MY
CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.
WHY DO YOU HAVE A
CONFIDENCE PROBLEM?
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU
LOOKING AT THE STARS?
I HAVE STUDYING TO DO, DICK.
YOUR HOMEWORK IS
TAKING UP TOO MUCH TIME.
YEAH. NOW THEY'VE CHANGED
PHYS-ED TO HEALTH CLASS.
I HAVE TO MEMORIZE 287
DIFFERENT BODY PARTS.
YOU HAVE AN OWNER'S MANUAL?
HERE'S A PICTURE OF ALL
THE DIFFERENT ORGANS
IN OUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY.
OHH! OH, GOD!
I READ SOMEPLACE THAT YOU CAN
STRETCH A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS
FROM NEW YORK
TO SAN FRANCISCO...
BUT HE WOULD DIE.
LOOK. HERE'S A SECTION ON
VIRGINITY AND ABSTINENCE.
I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SEX YET,
SO I GUESS THAT
MAKES ME A VIRGIN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANKS.
IT FEELS KIND OF WEIRD.
I'M PROUD OF IT,
BUT I'M ALSO A
LITTLE EMBARRASSED.
DO MEN HAVE ANYTHING THEY'RE
BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED OF
AT THE SAME TIME?
DRAWING A BLANK. NO. NO, NO.
"EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDEDIAH,
"JEDEDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM,
EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL."
MAN, THESE PEOPLE
BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT.
GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.
HELLO.
WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?
MY WHAT?
I'M UPDATING THE
OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST.
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
ARE YOU PLEADING THE FIFTH?
THE FIFTH SOUNDS
FINE. THIS MONTH.
AH. THAT'S THIS MONDAY.
HOW OLD WILL YOU BE?
WHY DO YOU NEED
A SPECIFIC NUMBER?
ARE YOU KEEPING SCORE?
IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET
SENSITIVE, NEVER MIND.
I DON'T SEE WHY
AGE IS SO IMPORTANT.
YOU GOT A MILESTONE
CREEPING UP ON YOU?
NO, NO.
THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR.
GOOD MORNING.
HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT.
AH, LAURIE, DR. SOLOMON.
LAURIE IVERS.
HELLO.
YOU HAVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE.
THANKS.
LAURIE'S VISITING THE CAMPUS.
YOU ARE IN REALLY
EXCELLENT CONDITION.
THANK YOU. I WORK OUT.
OH, I CAN TELL. IT'S VERY FIRM.
LAURIE'S STUDYING FOR HER
DOCTORATE IN ANTHROPOLOGY.
SHE'S CONSIDERING
COMING TO PENDLETON.
YOU'VE CHOSEN A
MEDIOCRE INSTITUTION,
AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
THANKS.
WOULD YOU SHAKE MY HAND AGAIN?
UMM... I SUPPOSE.
OH.
NINA, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE LAURIE TO THE LIBRARY
TO SHOW HER THE INCA EXHIBIT?
EXHIBIT? IT'S THREE
COINS AND A SPOON.
DON'T SPOIL IT FOR
HER. JUST TAKE HER.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE! IT
WAS NICE MEETING YOU!
WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE?
WHAT'S MY AGE
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW. WELL, I DO.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE,
I DIDN'T APPRECIATE HAVING
MIDDLE-AGED MEN FAWN OVER ME.
YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE?
YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
VERY WELL. NOT IT IS.
YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK
BROUGHT IT TO US?
UH-HUH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WANTS?
WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TELL US?
THE THING THAT
SCARES ME THE MOST
ARE THE LITTLE
ORANGES IN ITS STOMACH.
HELLO. I'M DR. MARTIN BLAYNE.
COME JOIN ME ON A PATH TO
PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
SAY YES TO YOU.
YES.
FIRST, YOU SHOULD
LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE
TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHEN ASKED YOUR NAME,
SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR.
LET'S TRY THIS OUT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
THAT'S A GREAT NAME.
WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL?
HARRY SOLOMON.
TOMMY, SALLY,
HARRY, COME IN HERE!
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T WORRY. WE'VE KILLED IT.
SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK.
WHAT IS IT?
THERE'S AN IMPORTANT
DETAIL WE FORGOT.
WE NEED BIRTHDAYS.
NO, THANKS. THIS GUY AT A
RESTAURANT HAD A BIRTHDAY.
THEY SET HIS FOOD
ON FIRE AND BLEW ON IT.
NEVERTHELESS, WE NEED THEM.
WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW OLD WE ARE.
WE'RE EXPECTED TO ACT OUR AGE,
AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
HOW DO WE FIND OUT?
WE'RE SMART. WE'LL GUESS.
HOW OLD AM I?
I'M GONNA SAY...
35.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
IT KIND OF SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.
O.K. 39.
KEEP GOING. COME ON.
40?
41, 2, 3, 4...
UH... 5!
5! 5! 45! O.K.
45's FINE.
BODY'S BROKEN IN. STILL SOLID.
NOT TOO OLD TO HAVE SEX.
UH, COMMANDER,
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY.
PERMISSION GRANTED.
HUMANS OVER 35 CANNOT HAVE SEX.
NO!
GIVE IT UP. IT'S OVER.
WHY? THEY HAVE
THE SAME EQUIPMENT.
'CAUSE IT'S GROSS. THAT'S WHY.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
14.
CAN YOU HAVE SEX?
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO. WHY NOT?
APPARENTLY, I HAVE MY
WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME.
DICK, CAN I BE 70?
WHY?
WELL, THAT PAUL
NEWMAN GUY IS 70.
PEOPLE SAY HE LOOKS GREAT.
DONE. YOU'RE 70.
AND?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
[MOUTHS WORDS]
SALLY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
WELL, WHATEVER
THE PERFECT AGE IS,
I'M IT.
MAYBE I GOT STUCK
WITH BEING A WOMAN,
BUT AT LEAST I'M IN MY PRIME.
CHECK OUT HOW FIRM THIS IS.
IF I WAS A GUY, I'D BE
ALL OVER ME RIGHT NOW.
IF I WAS A GUY, I WOULD BE, TOO.
NOW THAT YOU BOYS ARE GOING
THROUGH THE ROAD TO MANHOOD,
I'M SURE MANY OF YOU HAVE
NOTICED CERTAIN FEELINGS.
WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON?
WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS?
YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS.
UH, NO, I DON'T.
YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU GET THEM.
THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DON'T ACT ON THEM.
UH, SORRY. YOU'RE LOSING ME.
YOU PLAY SPORTS, FOCUS
ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK,
AND WHEN YOU SHOWER,
WASH YOUR HAIR, AND
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
OH! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX!
YES.
GREAT! GREAT!
TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT'S DONE.
WELL...
YOUR, UH... MEN...
AND YOUR MALE AND YOUR FEMALE...
THEY HAVE THESE CERTAIN PARTS
THAT ARE, UH...
HOW DO YOU CALL, UH...
COMPLEMENTARY TO EACH OTHER.
THESE PARTS COME INTO PLAY...
AND THAT'S HOW WE ALL WERE BORN.
I'M SORRY, BUT CAN WE GET
SOMEBODY WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX
TO TEACH THIS CLASS?
HEY!
THANKS FOR SHOWING ME
AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY.
YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN.
I KNOW.
LAURIE, I WAS
HAVING A DISCUSSION
WITH A YOUNG MAN LAST NIGHT.
HE SAID THAT SOMEONE MY AGE
WAS TOO OLD TO...
UH...
JUST TOO OLD.
THAT'S SO TYPICAL
OF OUR CULTURE.
YOU KNOW, IN MANY
ANCIENT SOCIETIES,
LIKE THE INCAS,
AGE WAS WORSHIPPED AND REVERED.
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR.
HA HA HA!
EXACTLY WHEN DOES
PUBERTY END FOR A MAN?
SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH.
GUYS MY AGE ARE ALWAYS
TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING,
NOT LIKE OLDER MEN.
THEY'VE BEEN THERE.
THEY'VE DONE IT.
IT SHOWS.
UH, LIKE YOU.
YOU'VE REALLY GOT
YOUR HEAD TOGETHER.
ACTUALLY, IT CAME THAT WAY.
HA HA HA!
WELL, I'D BETTER GET MOVING.
YOU ARE MOVING.
EVERYTHING ON THIS
PLANET IS MOVING.
YOU ARE SO CLEVER.
OH.
WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT.
BYE.
SEE YA.
BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING.
YOU CAN BREATHE NOW.
HEY, IF YOU CAN CHANGE
ONE THING ABOUT ME,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
NOTHING.
BINGO.
DOESN'T GET ANY
BETTER THAN THIS, HUH?
CHECK THIS OUT. SEE
HOW THIS CURVES IN?
WATCH THIS.
UPSY-DAISY.
SPRINGS BACK JUST LIKE A CAT.
LAURIE SAYS THAT MEN MY AGE
SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED
AND REVERED LIKE THE INCAS.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT?
OH, YES.
THE INCAS WOULD
TAKE A PROMINENT MAN...
LIKE YOU...
AND THEY WOULD
ANOINT HIM WITH OILS,
ADORN HIM WITH ROBES,
AND THEN THE HIGH
PRIEST WOULD CUT HIM UP
AND THEN RAM A STICK IN HIS HEAD
AND PARADE THE HEAD
THROUGH THE VILLAGE,
AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS
WOULD THROW FLOWERS AT HIM.
WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS?
IT SAYS HERE THIS IS GUARANTEED
TO RESTORE YOUR NATURAL LUSTER.
OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING
YOUR LUSTER BACK.
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
HOW MUCH LONGER?
OH, UH... TWO MINUTES.
WELCOME BACK TO THE
MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.
AND NOW WE CONTINUE
WITH OUR PARADE OF NATIONS.
MISS FINLAND.
WELL, THEY ONLY HAVE
CONTESTANTS FROM EARTH.
I THINK THIS PAGEANT IS FIXED.
THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE ENORMOUS.
MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE
HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL.
I THINK I'M FEELING IT.
MY PRIMARY GOAL IS
TO MEET MISS FINLAND.
I WILL MEET MISS FINLAND.
I DESERVE TO MEET MISS FINLAND.
WHOA! CHECK OUT THE
YAHBOS ON MISS TUNISIA.
I DESERVE THOSE YAHBOS.
THOSE WOMEN,
THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT,
HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.
EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE
TV OR OPEN A MAGAZINE,
I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME.
ALL THE ADS ARE AIMED AT ME.
I AM WHAT COUNTS.
I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF
SOMETHING, LIEUTENANT.
IF I DON'T WATCH A TV
SHOW, IT'S CANCELED.
I DON'T LIKE A SOFT
DRINK? HISTORY.
IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN
FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS,
THEY'LL MAKE ONE
WITH A PROPELLER.
I AM THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.
FACE IT, DICK.
I'M YOUNG, HOT,
AND ALL-POWERFUL.
YOU JUST SAID YES TO YOU.
[DING]
I'M DONE.
HOW DO I LOOK?
UM... DICK?
O.K., IF SOMEBODY WERE
HELPING YOU WITH AN EXPERIMENT
AND THINGS WENT AWRY,
AND YOU BECAME
HORRIBLY DISFIGURED,
WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST THEM?
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.
DESTROY ALL THE MIRRORS NOW!
NO! NO!
I'VE GOT TO SEE!
OH, MY GOD!
I'M GORGEOUS!
GOOD MORNING, NINA.
WELL!
GOOD MORNING.
I WAS GOING TO ASK WHAT
YOU DID THIS WEEKEND,
BUT I THINK IT'S
PAINFULLY CLEAR.
BY THE WAY...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
MMM.
BRACE YOURSELF.
HELLO... OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
LAURIE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT.
REALLY? WHAT DID SHE SAY?
[SQUEAK]
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT?
[SQUEAK]
THAT SQUEAKING.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
[SQUEAKING]
WHAT DID LAURIE SAY
WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER?
SHE'S DECIDED TO
COME HERE NEXT YEAR.
OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
YES.
UM...
COULD YOU WALK OVER
THERE AND GET ME THAT PENCIL?
BUT YOU HAVE ONE
RIGHT ON YOUR DESK.
I KNOW, BUT...
I NEED THAT ONE.
O.K.
[SQUEAKING]
THANK YOU.
OH!
I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD.
HMM.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU LOOK LIKE A
MILLION DOLLARS."
OH...
"OLD AND WRINKLED."
WHAT KIND OF A
CRUEL HOAX IS THIS?
IT'S A HALLMARK CARD.
A HALLMARK OF DEGRADATION!
THE FIRST LINE LULLED ME
INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.
THE SECOND LINE RIPPED OUT
MY HEART AND SLAPPED ME WITH IT,
AWAKENING ME TO HARSH REALITY!
IT'S AN OLD JOKE!
FOR AN OLD FOOL!
WELL, I WANT NO PART OF IT.
I'M LEAVING...
WHILE I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.
[SQUEAKING]
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR PATH
TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
SAY YES TO YOU.
YES.
AND NEVER FORGET...
WHEN THE WORLD GETS YOU DOWN,
STAY POSITIVE.
I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY
SURE THAT I WILL.
DAMN!
A WRINKLE!
I'VE PEAKED!
TRUTH IS, TIME MEASURED IN YEARS
WOULD HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE
IF THE SECOND-RATE SUN
HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET
INTO THE SUCK-PARTY
WE CALL GRAVITY,
'CAUSING EVERYTHING
ON IT TO WITHER AND DIE.
THOUGHTS ON THAT?
BUG?
DOESN'T LOOK DYED TO ME.
LET ME SIMPLIFY. IF A YEAR IS
NOT A YEAR ANYWHERE BUT EARTH,
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE
TIME IN THE UNIVERSE?
LEON, TIME IS WHAT?
DON'T THINK, LEON, JUST ANSWER.
TIME IS WHAT? TAKE A SHOT. GO!
TIME IS RELATIVE?
MY GOD, LEON! YOU'RE RIGHT!
MY HEAD HURTS.
LEON, I HAVE A
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.
OHH...
[BELL RINGS]
SORRY. TIME IS UP.
AND BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE ALL 55 MINUTES OLDER.
DR. SOLOMON.
LAURIE!
I COULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.
AND I COULDN'T SAY GOODBYE
WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING.
OH, YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR.
FINALLY! SOMEONE NOTICED.
LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE.
OH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT'S DOUG. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
I THOUGHT YOU ONLY
LIKED OLDER MEN.
I DO. HE'S 29.
BYE.
DR. SOLOMON.
THERE YOU ARE.
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET IN YOUR OFFICE.
FORGIVE ME. MY
TIRED BRAIN FORGOT,
WHILE YOUR YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES
STORED THE INFORMATION
AND RETRIEVED THEM LIKE A FLASH.
O.K.
I'LL COME BACK.
LEON, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
LET'S SAY THAT TWO
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES
MET AT A UNIVERSITY.
ONE IS OLDER BUT DASHING.
THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL
AND STIMULATING.
THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY
EACH OTHER'S COMPANY,
BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE
KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF.
DO YOU THINK THAT
THAT SHOULD MAKE
A RELATIONSHIP IMPOSSIBLE?
DR. SOLOMON, ARE
YOU COMING ON TO ME?
OHH!
NEVER MIND!
OH, DICK.
YOUR POSTURE TELLS
ME YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES.
LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY SPARK
YOU OUT OF YOUR DOLDRUMS
AND INTO A HAPPIER...
OH, GO AWAY.
I WILL, AND THANKS
FOR LISTENING.
HELLO.
HOW YOU FEELING?
LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.
I THOUGHT I'D TRY THIS AGAIN.
UH, HERE.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
FROM DR. ALBRIGHT."
YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF.
YES.
THANK YOU. IT'S JUST LOVELY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
DR. ALBRIGHT...
HAVE I BEEN A PERFECT ASS?
NOBODY'S PERFECT.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THIS AGE?
YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO
MUCH ON THE CONTAINER.
THIS BODY IS NOT YOU.
I KNOW THAT. NO, YOU DON'T.
TRUST ME, I DO. YOU DON'T.
IF YOU THINK...
SHUT UP!
YOU'RE ONLY ON THIS
EARTH A SHORT TIME.
WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN.
LISTEN, IF WE'RE OVER THE HILL,
WE MIGHT AS WELL
ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING "WE."
AH HA.
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.
THE LIGHT OF THE
MOON IS SO MAGICAL.
IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU
MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE
SO MANY YEARS AGO.
THAT WAS...
ALMOST BEAUTIFUL.
SO, THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT.
IT'S SO...
CHEAP.
I THINK GRAY HAIR MAKES
YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED.
THANK YOU. YOU WOULD LOOK
DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR.
I DON'T THINK SO.
MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED
WITH GRAY HAIR.
WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD.
WHEN WOMEN GET
BREASTS, THEY LOOK SEXY.
WHEN MEN GET
BREASTS, THEY LOOK OLD.
GOOD POINT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
HOW OLD ARE YOU? YOU FIRST.
42. ME, TOO!
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF A BAND
OF FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
IN ORDER TO BLEND IN,
THEY'VE ASSUMED HUMAN FORM.
THIS IS THE HIGH COMMANDER.
HE HAS ASSEMBLED AN
ELITE TEAM OF EXPERTS...
A DECORATED MILITARY OFFICER,
A SEASONED
INTELLIGENCE SPECIALIST,
AND... WELL, THEY
HAD AN EXTRA SEAT.
THE EARTH REVOLVES
AROUND THE SUN.
BUT ASK MOST HUMANS,
THEY'LL SAY IT
REVOLVES AROUND THEM.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
HARRY, COME OUT AND
LOOK AT THE STARS WITH US.
OH, NO.
YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME
OUT FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN.
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME SIX TIMES,
SHAME ON ME.
WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT NOW?
JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED
FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE
I BOUGHT AT A YARD SALE.
"DR. MARTIN BLAYNE'S PATH TO
PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION...
SAY YES TO YOU."
THIS WILL SOLVE MY
CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.
WHY DO YOU HAVE A
CONFIDENCE PROBLEM?
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU
LOOKING AT THE STARS?
I HAVE STUDYING TO DO, DICK.
YOUR HOMEWORK IS
TAKING UP TOO MUCH TIME.
YEAH. NOW THEY'VE CHANGED
PHYS-ED TO HEALTH CLASS.
I HAVE TO MEMORIZE 287
DIFFERENT BODY PARTS.
YOU HAVE AN OWNER'S MANUAL?
HERE'S A PICTURE OF ALL
THE DIFFERENT ORGANS
IN OUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY.
OHH! OH, GOD!
I READ SOMEPLACE THAT YOU CAN
STRETCH A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS
FROM NEW YORK
TO SAN FRANCISCO...
BUT HE WOULD DIE.
LOOK. HERE'S A SECTION ON
VIRGINITY AND ABSTINENCE.
I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SEX YET,
SO I GUESS THAT
MAKES ME A VIRGIN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANKS.
IT FEELS KIND OF WEIRD.
I'M PROUD OF IT,
BUT I'M ALSO A
LITTLE EMBARRASSED.
DO MEN HAVE ANYTHING THEY'RE
BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED OF
AT THE SAME TIME?
DRAWING A BLANK. NO. NO, NO.
"EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDEDIAH,
"JEDEDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM,
EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL."
MAN, THESE PEOPLE
BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT.
GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.
HELLO.
WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?
MY WHAT?
I'M UPDATING THE
OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST.
DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
ARE YOU PLEADING THE FIFTH?
THE FIFTH SOUNDS
FINE. THIS MONTH.
AH. THAT'S THIS MONDAY.
HOW OLD WILL YOU BE?
WHY DO YOU NEED
A SPECIFIC NUMBER?
ARE YOU KEEPING SCORE?
IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET
SENSITIVE, NEVER MIND.
I DON'T SEE WHY
AGE IS SO IMPORTANT.
YOU GOT A MILESTONE
CREEPING UP ON YOU?
NO, NO.
THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR.
GOOD MORNING.
HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT.
AH, LAURIE, DR. SOLOMON.
LAURIE IVERS.
HELLO.
YOU HAVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE.
THANKS.
LAURIE'S VISITING THE CAMPUS.
YOU ARE IN REALLY
EXCELLENT CONDITION.
THANK YOU. I WORK OUT.
OH, I CAN TELL. IT'S VERY FIRM.
LAURIE'S STUDYING FOR HER
DOCTORATE IN ANTHROPOLOGY.
SHE'S CONSIDERING
COMING TO PENDLETON.
YOU'VE CHOSEN A
MEDIOCRE INSTITUTION,
AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
THANKS.
WOULD YOU SHAKE MY HAND AGAIN?
UMM... I SUPPOSE.
OH.
NINA, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE LAURIE TO THE LIBRARY
TO SHOW HER THE INCA EXHIBIT?
EXHIBIT? IT'S THREE
COINS AND A SPOON.
DON'T SPOIL IT FOR
HER. JUST TAKE HER.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE! IT
WAS NICE MEETING YOU!
WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE?
WHAT'S MY AGE
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW. WELL, I DO.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE,
I DIDN'T APPRECIATE HAVING
MIDDLE-AGED MEN FAWN OVER ME.
YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE?
YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
VERY WELL. NOT IT IS.
YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK
BROUGHT IT TO US?
UH-HUH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WANTS?
WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TELL US?
THE THING THAT
SCARES ME THE MOST
ARE THE LITTLE
ORANGES IN ITS STOMACH.
HELLO. I'M DR. MARTIN BLAYNE.
COME JOIN ME ON A PATH TO
PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
SAY YES TO YOU.
YES.
FIRST, YOU SHOULD
LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE
TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHEN ASKED YOUR NAME,
SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR.
LET'S TRY THIS OUT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
THAT'S A GREAT NAME.
WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL?
HARRY SOLOMON.
TOMMY, SALLY,
HARRY, COME IN HERE!
AAH!
WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T WORRY. WE'VE KILLED IT.
SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK.
WHAT IS IT?
THERE'S AN IMPORTANT
DETAIL WE FORGOT.
WE NEED BIRTHDAYS.
NO, THANKS. THIS GUY AT A
RESTAURANT HAD A BIRTHDAY.
THEY SET HIS FOOD
ON FIRE AND BLEW ON IT.
NEVERTHELESS, WE NEED THEM.
WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW OLD WE ARE.
WE'RE EXPECTED TO ACT OUR AGE,
AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
HOW DO WE FIND OUT?
WE'RE SMART. WE'LL GUESS.
HOW OLD AM I?
I'M GONNA SAY...
35.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
IT KIND OF SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.
O.K. 39.
KEEP GOING. COME ON.
40?
41, 2, 3, 4...
UH... 5!
5! 5! 45! O.K.
45's FINE.
BODY'S BROKEN IN. STILL SOLID.
NOT TOO OLD TO HAVE SEX.
UH, COMMANDER,
PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY.
PERMISSION GRANTED.
HUMANS OVER 35 CANNOT HAVE SEX.
NO!
GIVE IT UP. IT'S OVER.
WHY? THEY HAVE
THE SAME EQUIPMENT.
'CAUSE IT'S GROSS. THAT'S WHY.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
14.
CAN YOU HAVE SEX?
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO. WHY NOT?
APPARENTLY, I HAVE MY
WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME.
DICK, CAN I BE 70?
WHY?
WELL, THAT PAUL
NEWMAN GUY IS 70.
PEOPLE SAY HE LOOKS GREAT.
DONE. YOU'RE 70.
AND?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
[MOUTHS WORDS]
SALLY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
WELL, WHATEVER
THE PERFECT AGE IS,
I'M IT.
MAYBE I GOT STUCK
WITH BEING A WOMAN,
BUT AT LEAST I'M IN MY PRIME.
CHECK OUT HOW FIRM THIS IS.
IF I WAS A GUY, I'D BE
ALL OVER ME RIGHT NOW.
IF I WAS A GUY, I WOULD BE, TOO.
NOW THAT YOU BOYS ARE GOING
THROUGH THE ROAD TO MANHOOD,
I'M SURE MANY OF YOU HAVE
NOTICED CERTAIN FEELINGS.
WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON?
WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS?
YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS.
UH, NO, I DON'T.
YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU GET THEM.
THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DON'T ACT ON THEM.
UH, SORRY. YOU'RE LOSING ME.
YOU PLAY SPORTS, FOCUS
ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK,
AND WHEN YOU SHOWER,
WASH YOUR HAIR, AND
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
OH! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX!
YES.
GREAT! GREAT!
TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT'S DONE.
WELL...
YOUR, UH... MEN...
AND YOUR MALE AND YOUR FEMALE...
THEY HAVE THESE CERTAIN PARTS
THAT ARE, UH...
HOW DO YOU CALL, UH...
COMPLEMENTARY TO EACH OTHER.
THESE PARTS COME INTO PLAY...
AND THAT'S HOW WE ALL WERE BORN.
I'M SORRY, BUT CAN WE GET
SOMEBODY WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX
TO TEACH THIS CLASS?
HEY!
THANKS FOR SHOWING ME
AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY.
YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN.
I KNOW.
LAURIE, I WAS
HAVING A DISCUSSION
WITH A YOUNG MAN LAST NIGHT.
HE SAID THAT SOMEONE MY AGE
WAS TOO OLD TO...
UH...
JUST TOO OLD.
THAT'S SO TYPICAL
OF OUR CULTURE.
YOU KNOW, IN MANY
ANCIENT SOCIETIES,
LIKE THE INCAS,
AGE WAS WORSHIPPED AND REVERED.
THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR.
HA HA HA!
EXACTLY WHEN DOES
PUBERTY END FOR A MAN?
SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH.
GUYS MY AGE ARE ALWAYS
TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING,
NOT LIKE OLDER MEN.
THEY'VE BEEN THERE.
THEY'VE DONE IT.
IT SHOWS.
UH, LIKE YOU.
YOU'VE REALLY GOT
YOUR HEAD TOGETHER.
ACTUALLY, IT CAME THAT WAY.
HA HA HA!
WELL, I'D BETTER GET MOVING.
YOU ARE MOVING.
EVERYTHING ON THIS
PLANET IS MOVING.
YOU ARE SO CLEVER.
OH.
WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT.
BYE.
SEE YA.
BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING.
YOU CAN BREATHE NOW.
HEY, IF YOU CAN CHANGE
ONE THING ABOUT ME,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
NOTHING.
BINGO.
DOESN'T GET ANY
BETTER THAN THIS, HUH?
CHECK THIS OUT. SEE
HOW THIS CURVES IN?
WATCH THIS.
UPSY-DAISY.
SPRINGS BACK JUST LIKE A CAT.
LAURIE SAYS THAT MEN MY AGE
SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED
AND REVERED LIKE THE INCAS.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT?
OH, YES.
THE INCAS WOULD
TAKE A PROMINENT MAN...
LIKE YOU...
AND THEY WOULD
ANOINT HIM WITH OILS,
ADORN HIM WITH ROBES,
AND THEN THE HIGH
PRIEST WOULD CUT HIM UP
AND THEN RAM A STICK IN HIS HEAD
AND PARADE THE HEAD
THROUGH THE VILLAGE,
AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS
WOULD THROW FLOWERS AT HIM.
WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS?
IT SAYS HERE THIS IS GUARANTEED
TO RESTORE YOUR NATURAL LUSTER.
OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING
YOUR LUSTER BACK.
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
HOW MUCH LONGER?
OH, UH... TWO MINUTES.
WELCOME BACK TO THE
MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.
AND NOW WE CONTINUE
WITH OUR PARADE OF NATIONS.
MISS FINLAND.
WELL, THEY ONLY HAVE
CONTESTANTS FROM EARTH.
I THINK THIS PAGEANT IS FIXED.
THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE ENORMOUS.
MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE
HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL.
I THINK I'M FEELING IT.
MY PRIMARY GOAL IS
TO MEET MISS FINLAND.
I WILL MEET MISS FINLAND.
I DESERVE TO MEET MISS FINLAND.
WHOA! CHECK OUT THE
YAHBOS ON MISS TUNISIA.
I DESERVE THOSE YAHBOS.
THOSE WOMEN,
THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT,
HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY.
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.
EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE
TV OR OPEN A MAGAZINE,
I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME.
ALL THE ADS ARE AIMED AT ME.
I AM WHAT COUNTS.
I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF
SOMETHING, LIEUTENANT.
IF I DON'T WATCH A TV
SHOW, IT'S CANCELED.
I DON'T LIKE A SOFT
DRINK? HISTORY.
IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN
FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS,
THEY'LL MAKE ONE
WITH A PROPELLER.
I AM THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.
FACE IT, DICK.
I'M YOUNG, HOT,
AND ALL-POWERFUL.
YOU JUST SAID YES TO YOU.
[DING]
I'M DONE.
HOW DO I LOOK?
UM... DICK?
O.K., IF SOMEBODY WERE
HELPING YOU WITH AN EXPERIMENT
AND THINGS WENT AWRY,
AND YOU BECAME
HORRIBLY DISFIGURED,
WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST THEM?
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.
DESTROY ALL THE MIRRORS NOW!
NO! NO!
I'VE GOT TO SEE!
OH, MY GOD!
I'M GORGEOUS!
GOOD MORNING, NINA.
WELL!
GOOD MORNING.
I WAS GOING TO ASK WHAT
YOU DID THIS WEEKEND,
BUT I THINK IT'S
PAINFULLY CLEAR.
BY THE WAY...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
MMM.
BRACE YOURSELF.
HELLO... OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
LAURIE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT.
REALLY? WHAT DID SHE SAY?
[SQUEAK]
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT?
[SQUEAK]
THAT SQUEAKING.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
[SQUEAKING]
WHAT DID LAURIE SAY
WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER?
SHE'S DECIDED TO
COME HERE NEXT YEAR.
OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
YES.
UM...
COULD YOU WALK OVER
THERE AND GET ME THAT PENCIL?
BUT YOU HAVE ONE
RIGHT ON YOUR DESK.
I KNOW, BUT...
I NEED THAT ONE.
O.K.
[SQUEAKING]
THANK YOU.
OH!
I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD.
HMM.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU LOOK LIKE A
MILLION DOLLARS."
OH...
"OLD AND WRINKLED."
WHAT KIND OF A
CRUEL HOAX IS THIS?
IT'S A HALLMARK CARD.
A HALLMARK OF DEGRADATION!
THE FIRST LINE LULLED ME
INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.
THE SECOND LINE RIPPED OUT
MY HEART AND SLAPPED ME WITH IT,
AWAKENING ME TO HARSH REALITY!
IT'S AN OLD JOKE!
FOR AN OLD FOOL!
WELL, I WANT NO PART OF IT.
I'M LEAVING...
WHILE I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.
[SQUEAKING]
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR PATH
TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
SAY YES TO YOU.
YES.
AND NEVER FORGET...
WHEN THE WORLD GETS YOU DOWN,
STAY POSITIVE.
I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY
SURE THAT I WILL.
DAMN!
A WRINKLE!
I'VE PEAKED!
TRUTH IS, TIME MEASURED IN YEARS
WOULD HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE
IF THE SECOND-RATE SUN
HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET
INTO THE SUCK-PARTY
WE CALL GRAVITY,
'CAUSING EVERYTHING
ON IT TO WITHER AND DIE.
THOUGHTS ON THAT?
BUG?
DOESN'T LOOK DYED TO ME.
LET ME SIMPLIFY. IF A YEAR IS
NOT A YEAR ANYWHERE BUT EARTH,
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE
TIME IN THE UNIVERSE?
LEON, TIME IS WHAT?
DON'T THINK, LEON, JUST ANSWER.
TIME IS WHAT? TAKE A SHOT. GO!
TIME IS RELATIVE?
MY GOD, LEON! YOU'RE RIGHT!
MY HEAD HURTS.
LEON, I HAVE A
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.
OHH...
[BELL RINGS]
SORRY. TIME IS UP.
AND BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE ALL 55 MINUTES OLDER.
DR. SOLOMON.
LAURIE!
I COULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.
AND I COULDN'T SAY GOODBYE
WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING.
OH, YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR.
FINALLY! SOMEONE NOTICED.
LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE.
OH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT'S DOUG. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
I THOUGHT YOU ONLY
LIKED OLDER MEN.
I DO. HE'S 29.
BYE.
DR. SOLOMON.
THERE YOU ARE.
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET IN YOUR OFFICE.
FORGIVE ME. MY
TIRED BRAIN FORGOT,
WHILE YOUR YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES
STORED THE INFORMATION
AND RETRIEVED THEM LIKE A FLASH.
O.K.
I'LL COME BACK.
LEON, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
LET'S SAY THAT TWO
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES
MET AT A UNIVERSITY.
ONE IS OLDER BUT DASHING.
THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL
AND STIMULATING.
THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY
EACH OTHER'S COMPANY,
BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE
KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF.
DO YOU THINK THAT
THAT SHOULD MAKE
A RELATIONSHIP IMPOSSIBLE?
DR. SOLOMON, ARE
YOU COMING ON TO ME?
OHH!
NEVER MIND!
OH, DICK.
YOUR POSTURE TELLS
ME YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES.
LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY SPARK
YOU OUT OF YOUR DOLDRUMS
AND INTO A HAPPIER...
OH, GO AWAY.
I WILL, AND THANKS
FOR LISTENING.
HELLO.
HOW YOU FEELING?
LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.
I THOUGHT I'D TRY THIS AGAIN.
UH, HERE.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
FROM DR. ALBRIGHT."
YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF.
YES.
THANK YOU. IT'S JUST LOVELY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
DR. ALBRIGHT...
HAVE I BEEN A PERFECT ASS?
NOBODY'S PERFECT.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THIS AGE?
YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO
MUCH ON THE CONTAINER.
THIS BODY IS NOT YOU.
I KNOW THAT. NO, YOU DON'T.
TRUST ME, I DO. YOU DON'T.
IF YOU THINK...
SHUT UP!
YOU'RE ONLY ON THIS
EARTH A SHORT TIME.
WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN.
LISTEN, IF WE'RE OVER THE HILL,
WE MIGHT AS WELL
ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN.
THANK YOU FOR SAYING "WE."
AH HA.
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.
THE LIGHT OF THE
MOON IS SO MAGICAL.
IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU
MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE
SO MANY YEARS AGO.
THAT WAS...
ALMOST BEAUTIFUL.
SO, THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT.
IT'S SO...
CHEAP.
I THINK GRAY HAIR MAKES
YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED.
THANK YOU. YOU WOULD LOOK
DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR.
I DON'T THINK SO.
MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED
WITH GRAY HAIR.
WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD.
WHEN WOMEN GET
BREASTS, THEY LOOK SEXY.
WHEN MEN GET
BREASTS, THEY LOOK OLD.
GOOD POINT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
HOW OLD ARE YOU? YOU FIRST.
42. ME, TOO!
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