3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 19 - Selfish Dick - full transcript
Dick is devastated when Dr. Albright gets a new office.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT PASSED FOR
LITERATURE IN THE SEVENTIES.
THIS DELIVERY CAME FOR
YOU C.O.D. YOU WEREN'T HERE,
SO I PAID THE GUY.
OH, THANK YOU! THAT SAVES ME $28
PLUS $5.00 SHIPPING
AND HANDLING.
WHAT IS IT?
SOMETHING TO WARM
UP MY SIDE OF THE OFFICE.
DR. ALBRIGHT HAS HER
COLLECTION OF TRIBAL DEATH MASKS,
AND NOW I HAVE THESE!
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
IT SAYS, "PLAN AHEAD,"
BUT THE PERSON WHO
MADE IT FORGOT TO.
HA HA!
TAKE THAT,
MR. ADVICE GIVER. POW!
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY
TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS."
IT SURE DOES!
HA HA!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW THESE
TO DR. ALBRIGHT AND NINA.
YOU KNOW, OVER TIME,
I'VE COME TO THINK OF THEM
LESS AS MY COWORKERS
AND MORE LIKE A FAMILY,
AND I'M THE ALL-KNOWING FATHER,
MARY'S THE WIFE, AND NINA
IS OUR ADOPTED LOVE CHILD.
WELL, I'D BETTER BE GOING.
THE FORECAST FOR TODAY
IS LAUGHTER.
HA HA! HA HA! HA HA!
SALLY, YOU STILL WANT ME TO
TEACH YOU TO MAKE GUACAMOLE?
YEAH. I PLANNED MY
WHOLE DAY AROUND IT.
AH. O.K. NOW...
OW! OW!
DARN!
YOU'RE BLEEDING.
NO, I'LL BE FINE. JUST
GET ME A LITTLE GAUZE.
I CAN HANDLE THAT. IT'S
JUST A LITTLE FLESH WOUND.
I'VE INFLICTED FAR WORSE
THAN THAT THOUSANDS OF TIMES.
OF COURSE, NEVER ON
CREATURES WHO BLEED.
I'LL JUST...
OH! SALLY, ARE YOU O.K.?
OH! I KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. WE'VE
GOT TO GET THIS WOMAN TO THE E.R.
NO, NO. GET HER
INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
I'LL PUT A DAMP CLOTH ON
HER FOREHEAD. SHE'LL BE FINE.
OH, SHE'S A BIG GIRL.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I'M LOSING HER.
OH!
OH! OH!
OH, I'M SORRY.
WATCH OUT FOR THE POST.
HUH?
WAIT. I GOT TO
REST FOR A SECOND.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
THE EMERGENCY ROOM
ISN'T SUCH A BAD IDEA.
HERE, LET'S GET HER DOWNSTAIRS.
LOAD HER INTO MY EL CAMINO.
CAREFUL. CAREFUL.
DON'T DROP HER DOWN THE STAIRS.
HUH?
I SAID DON'T DROP
HER DOWN THE STAIRS.
OHHHH.
AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF
FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
"ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M
GOING TO GET ORGANIZIZED."
FUNNY.
I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT.
WHOEVER WROTE THIS
IS A RAVING GENIUS!
I HAVE THE BEST NEWS!
PROFESSOR BOSCO HAS
BEEN HIRED BY PRINCETON.
SO YOU TWO ARE CLOSE?
I THINK HE'S A MORON,
BUT I GET HIS OFFICE!
WITH THE BAY WINDOW AND
THE VIEW OF THE APPLE TREE?
YES!
EEE! EEE!
YOU'D HAVE BEEN SO PROUD OF ME.
I WENT TO THAT OVERLY FRIENDLY
WOMAN WHO HANDLES THESE THINGS?
YEAH. WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?
WHO CARES? ANYWAY, IT WAS
BETWEEN ME AND PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
I SAID, "MR.
SEUTTER'S VERY NICE,
"BUT HE SEEMS VERY CONTENT
IN HIS LITTLE BROOMS CLOSET,
SO WHY DISTURB HIM?"
AND SHE BOUGHT IT!
EEE! EEE!
OH! OH! THIS IS WONDERFUL!
OH, MY FUNNY SIGNS WILL LOOK
JUST GREAT IN THE NEW OFFICE!
I'LL LEAVE THE TWO
OF YOU ALONE NOW.
UM...
UH, THE THING IS...
THE NEW OFFICE? IT'S A SINGLE.
OH, GREAT! WE CAN
SHARE THE SAME DESK!
UH...
NO. YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE.
OH, I SEE.
YOU'RE LEAVING ME.
I GUESS IT WAS A
MISTAKE TO GET SO CLOSE.
OH!
WELL! WE'LL STILL
SEE EACH OTHER.
OH, PLEASE. DON'T
PATRONIZE ME. JUST GO.
DICK, I'VE NEVER
HAD MY OWN OFFICE.
I'VE WAITED 12 YEARS FOR THIS.
AND I NEED THE EXTRA
SPACE FOR MY ARTIFACTS.
OH, TO HELL WITH
YOUR TCHOTCHKES!
I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE!
WELL, SOMETIMES YOU
CAN'T GET WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.
SOMETIMES YOU CAN.
I NEED LOTS OF SPACE!
FINE!
MR. POTATO MAN IS ALL
THE COMPANY I NEED.
RIGHT?
ANSWER ME!
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE SNOW WHITE.
SNOW WHITE WITH DRIED
SPITTLE ON HER CHIN.
WHERE AM I?
YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.
OH, GOOD, HONEY.
YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS.
I'M RUNNING UPSTAIRS
AND SEE A FRIEND OF MINE.
SHE JUST WENT FROM A
DOUBLE-D CUP TO A "B."
WHAT, INTENTIONALLY?
I KNOW. CAN YOU BELIVE THAT?
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU FAINTED.
OH, SALLY, YOU JUST
GOT TO PULL THROUGH!
BUT YOU'RE A FIGHTER.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FIGHTER.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING
LIKE THAT? AM I DYING?
OH, NO, NO. THAT'S
JUST THE WAY THEY TALK
ON THOSE MEDICAL DRAMAS.
DAMN IT!
O.K., MISS SOLOMON.
YOU MIGHT HAVE
A SLIGHT CONCUSSION
FROM YOUR FALL.
I'D LIKE TO KEEP YOU
OVERNIGHT FOR OBSERVATION.
WELL...
AM I GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
WE TAKE GOOD CARE
OF PEOPLE HERE.
OH.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT
THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER.
CAN I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU, DOCTOR?
WHAT IS IT?
THIS WOMAN IS THE
ONLY SISTER I'VE GOT.
AND IF THAT MEANS HAVING TO USE
YOUR BEST DOCTORS AND NURSES,
WELL, I'M JUST GOING TO
HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT.
DAMN IT.
OOWAHHHH!
DR. SOLOMON, I'M JUDITH.
I'M GOING TO BE SHARING
THIS OFFICE WITH YOU.
JUDITH.
THIS IS MY ASSISTANT,
MY BROTHER ROGER.
ROGER.
PLEASE DON'T SHAKE MY HAND.
I'VE JUST WASHED IT.
TWO RULES. WHEN I DO
NOT WISH TO BE DISTURBED,
I WILL PLACE MY NAMEPLATE
FACE DOWN ON MY DESK.
IN THE MORNING,
WHOEVER ARRIVES FIRST
WILL FLIP ON THE IONIZER.
THE WOMAN WHO WAS
PREVIOUSLY IN THIS OFFICE
HAD NO TROUBLE WITH
THE LEVEL OF IONIZATION.
BELIEVE ME...
YOU WILL LIKE ME.
MOST PEOPLE DO.
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
HA!
WELL, THIS IS NICE.
I RUSH OVER HERE, AND
YOU'RE LOLLING AROUND IN BED.
IT WAS SO SCARY.
I WAS COMPLETELY
UNCONSCIOUS FOR A HALF HOUR.
LUCKY YOU. AFTER TODAY,
I'D PAY TO BE UNCONSCIOUS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MARY MOVED INTO A NEW OFFICE.
UH-HUH... MEANING...
I DON'T WANT HER TO MOVE.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE
OFFICE OF HER DREAMS
OR SHE'S ECSTATIC. I'M
SO LONESOME, I COULD DIE.
HELLO! SALLY'S IN THE HOSPITAL!
OH.
WELL, ANYWAY, FROM NOW ON,
I'M THINKING ONLY OF MYSELF.
I'M GOING TO BE COMPLETELY...
WHAT'S THE WORD FOR IT?
SELFISH. SELFISH.
NO. SMART.
I'M GETTING HER BACK OR ELSE.
YOU SAID SHE'S HAPPY THERE.
SHE THINKS SHE IS, BUT
WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?
I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER. I KNOW
WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYTHING.
NOW, WHY WAS I HERE?
OH. RIGHT.
GET WELL. THAT'S AN ORDER.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TO LIBERATE OLD MAN
SEUTTER FROM HIS BROOM CLOSET.
OH. I BROUGHT YOU SOME JELL-O...
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
PROFESSOR SEUTTER, A
TERRIBLE INJUSTICE HAS BEEN DONE.
WHAT?
I SAID,
A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE
HAS BEEN DONE!
I HEARD YOU. WHAT'S
THE BIG INJUSTICE?
SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN SOMETHING
THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO YOU.
WHAT?
SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN SOMETHING
THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO YOU!
ARE YOU O.K.?
PROFESSOR SEUTTER?
ARE YOU O.K.?
YES! THE ONE WITH THE BAY
WINDOW AND THE APPLE TREE.
HOW LONG HAS IT
BEEN SINCE WE TALKED?
SEVEN YEARS!
WELL, YOU BE GOOD. BYE-BYE.
COMPANY.
LOOK WHO I RAN INTO, MARY.
YOU REMEMBER PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
HELLO, MARY.
HELLO, PROFESSOR.
DR. SOLOMON TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR GOOD FORTUNE.
I WANTED TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
I USED TO HAVE AN EYE
OUT FOR THIS OFFICE.
AHEM.
AH, THE BAY WINDOW!
AND THE APPLE TREE.
MY WIFE AND I USED TO
PICNIC UNDER IT ALL THE TIME.
SHE'S DEAD NOW.
MARY, YOU HAVE
BETTER EYES THAN I.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING CARVED
ON THE TRUNK OUT THERE?
NO...
OH, I SEE IT. IT'S A HEART.
A HEART, MARY.
I CARVED IT ON THE
DAY I PROPOSED,
RIGHT BEFORE I WENT
OUT TO FIGHT THE GERMANS.
YOU MUST'VE LOVED HER...
VERY MUCH.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
MARY... I HAVE
A VERY SPECIAL
FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU.
WHAT?
COULD YOU SOME AFTERNOON
HELP ME GATHER APPLE BLOSSOMS
AND THEN TAKE THEM WITH
ME TO MY WIFE'S GRAVE?
O...
K.
BLESS YOU, MARY.
COME ON, PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
LET ME WALK YOU DOWN
TO YOUR... TINY OFFICE.
I THINK DR. ALBRIGHT
WANTS TO BE ALONE...
WITH HER THOUGHTS.
DON'T YOU LET HIM
MANIPULATE YOU!
THIS IS YOUR OFFICE, AND
I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT
BECAUSE I FINALLY GOT A WINDOW.
I'M BEING OBJECTIVE!
I KNOW, BUT I'M
STARTING TO FEEL BAD.
LISTEN TO ME, WOMAN.
KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE.
BOY, I'M REALLY GOING
TO MISS THIS PLACE.
YEAH, BUT YOU GOT
SOME LOVELY PRIZES.
OH, I KNOW!
A SUPER CUP, A PAIR
OF CIRCULATION SOCKS,
AND A KIDNEY-SHAPED SALAD BOWL!
SWEET!
I COULD JUST HANG
OUT HERE ALL DAY!
I KNOW!
IT'S LIKE DISNEYLAND WITH A
SLIGHTLY HIGHER FATALITY RATE.
HEY. LOOK WHAT I GOT.
OOH!
JUST HANGING OVER
THERE BEHIND A DOOR.
WHOA!
WELL, ARE THERE ANY LEFT?
YEAH, AND THE BEST PART
IS YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE,
PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE A GOD,
AND YOU GET 10%
OFF AT THE GIFT SHOP.
COMING THROUGH! LET'S GO!
COME ON!
FOR THE PREVENTION
OF STROKE! NOW! DO IT!
WHOA! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
HEY! LET'S GO!
ALL RIGHT! HOLD HIS LEGS!
IT JUST NEVER ENDS.
AND WHAT IF IT DID?
LET'S JUST PRAY THAT
DAY NEVER COMES.
LET'S GO.
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
YOU GOT PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
PERSONAL LIFE? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I COULD SLEEP FOREVER.
MMM.
WHEN'S OUR NEXT SHIFT?
WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY.
WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.
HELLO, EVERYONE!
WHOA. YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
DID DR. ALBRIGHT
MOVE BACK IN WITH YOU?
NOT YET, BUT TODAY I REALIZED
IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING MARY BACK
AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.
IT'S ABOUT GETTING JUSTICE
FOR PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.
SO I CALLED UP THE DEAN
AND TOLD HIM IT WAS A TRAVESTY
TO KEEP A 75-YEAR-OLD MAN
LOCKED AWAY IN THE BASEMENT.
AND NOW I'M READY TO PAR-TAY.
SO, UM, WHAT ARE WE
CELEBRATING, BROTHA?
MY RUTHLESS
COMMITMENT TO MYSELF.
WOW. YOU'RE NOT JUST
THE HIGH COMMANDER.
YOU'RE PRESIDENTIAL MATERIAL.
LOOKS LIKE A BURST APPENDIX.
DON'T LET THE SALINE
COUNT FOOL YOU.
I KNOW THIS MAN IS A DIABETIC.
NO, HE ISN'T.
YOU'RE SUSPENDED!
SHE'S GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT, ISN'T SHE?
SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT A DOCTOR ONCE DID FOR ME.
EVERYTHING'S GOING
TO BE ALL RIGHT.
WE TAKE GOOD CARE
OF PEOPLE HERE.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THIS MUST BE A TOUGH JOB.
OH! I'VE SEEN STUFF
THAT WOULD MAKE
YOUR EYES POP OUT
AND SPLATTER AGAINST THE WALL.
IN FACT, I'VE SEEN THAT, TOO.
LOOKS LIKE A BURST APPENDIX.
DON'T LET THE SALINE
COUNT FOOL YOU.
I KNOW THIS MAN IS A DIABETIC.
THIS IS A UTERUS!
YOU'RE SUSPENDED!
FATHER RICE, I FIND MYSELF
IN THE MIDST OF A MORAL DILEMMA.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A
THEOLOGY DEPARTMENT, DICK.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
IT'S PROFESSOR ALBRIGHT.
SHE'S STRAYED.
NO NEWS THERE.
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
UH... WHO IS IT THIS TIME?
PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
THAT'S WHY, FATHER,
I IMPLORE YOU
TO USE YOUR
POSITION TO SHAME HER.
EH... THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT WE DO ANYMORE.
SOMEONE'S GOT TO GET
HER OUT OF THAT NEW OFFICE.
NEW OFFICE?
UP ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
BAY WINDOW? APPLE TREE?
THAT'S THE ONE.
WELL, I'LL BE DARNED.
I HADN'T HEARD.
SO ALBRIGHT GOT
THAT OFFICE, HUH?
HMM.
THANK YOU, DICK.
ROGER SAYS YOU MUST
NEVER LEAVE THESE
ON HIS DESK AGAIN.
WHATEVER.
"ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M
GOING TO GET ORGANIZIZED."
HA HA HA HA HA!
THAT'S MARVELOUS!
IT'S MORONIC! NOW BE QUIET!
THERE YOU ARE!
OOH! LA...
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT WAS A BURST APPENDIX.
THE SALINE COUNT FOOLED ME!
I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD DIABETES.
HE'LL LIVE NOW.
REMEMBER THIS FACE.
AND BEG THAT ONE DAY
YOU'LL BE HALF THE
PROFESSIONAL THAT...
DR. MOSHE PIPCHIK IS!
CAN'T YOU PEOPLE
SEE I'M CARRYING A BOX?
NINA!
MARY, YOU'RE BACK!
YES, I'M BACK.
DEAN SUMNER SAID
IT WAS AN OVERSIGHT.
HE'D ALREADY PROMISED
MY OFFICE TO SOMEONE ELSE.
THAT'S THE LAST
TIME I SUCK UP TO HIM!
PROFESSOR SEUTTER!
SO I GUESS EVERYTHING
WORKED OUT, HUH?
OH, SHUT UP.
THANKS TO THAT IDIOT CAMPAIGN
YOU MOUNTED ON MY BEHALF,
THEY'RE FORCING ME TO RETIRE.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU REMINDED
THEM I WAS OVER 70
AND STILL ON THE PAYROLL.
I HAVEN'T TAUGHT A
CLASS IN FOUR YEARS.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
DOING ALL THIS TIME?
WORKING ON MY SCREENPLAY.
IT'S LIKE DIE HARD,
BUT IT'S SET IN AN
OFFICE BUILDING.
DIE HARD WAS IN
AN OFFICE BUILDING.
UP YOURS.
MARY!
WHAT?
SOMEWHERE IN THE
RECESSES OF YOUR HEART,
AREN'T YOU JUST
THE TINIEST BIT HAPPY
THAT WE'RE A FAMILY AGAIN?
SO I SAID TO THE
HEAD OF ONCOLOGY,
"THIS IS A HOSPITAL, DAMN IT!"
OOOH!
LOOK AT ALL THE NEW PEOPLE!
HELLO, PRECIOUS! HELLO!
HEY, THAT ONE RIGHT THERE
LOOKS LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL.
SO DOES THAT ONE.
HEY, THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE
BLACK WINSTON CHURCHILL.
IT'S AMAZING, ISN'T IT?
AN ENTIRE WARD OF
PURE DISTILLED LIFE.
I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T JUST
COME HERE TO GET REPAIRED.
OOH. SHH.
DON'T CRY, SWEETHEART.
THIS PART'S EASY.
JUST WAIT TILL YOU HAVE TO
CHOOSE A LONG DISTANCE CARRIER.
I WISH I COULD HAVE STARTED
FROM SCRATCH LIKE YOU GUYS.
KNOWING BUT NOT KNOWING.
SEEING AND THEN...
ALL AT ONCE FORGETTING.
ENJOY IT.
TIME HERE MOVES REALLY FAST.
FATHER, I'VE MADE
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
IN ORDER TO GET MY
WAY, I'VE HARMED A FRIEND,
SOMEONE I DEEPLY LOVE,
A MAN I BARELY KNOW,
AND A LARGE, UNPLEASANT
WOMAN IN SENSIBLE SHOES.
I FEEL JUST AWFUL.
DICK, ALL OF GOD'S
CREATURES MAKE MISTAKES,
AND HE FORGIVES THEM.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
WHEN I WALK UP
TO MY BAY WINDOW...
AND SEE THAT APPLE TREE OUTSIDE,
I'M REMINDED OF HOW
SIMPLE LIFE CAN BE
WHEN IT BECOMES
LESS ABOUT HAVING
AND MORE ABOUT BEING.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, FATHER,
IN A REALLY, REALLY
GREAT OFFICE.
IT IS GREAT, ISN'T IT?
I'VE REALIZED THAT WHEN
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT
COMES AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS,
IT'S NOT AT ALL SATISFYING.
EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST
BAG OF CIRCUS PEANUTS?
NOW, THAT WOULD
BE PRETTY SATISFYING.
THIS CAME FOR YOU
FROM THE HOSPITAL.
OH, THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
IT'S PROBABLY A GET WELL CARD.
IT'S A BILL FOR $3,500!
OH, BUT LOOK.
IT SAYS, "THANK YOU FOR
YOUR PROMPT PAYMENT."
DID YOU PAY THEM?
NO.
I DIDN'T PAY THEM.
IT WASN'T ME.
SOMEBODY MUST HAVE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.
PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT
PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT PASSED FOR
LITERATURE IN THE SEVENTIES.
THIS DELIVERY CAME FOR
YOU C.O.D. YOU WEREN'T HERE,
SO I PAID THE GUY.
OH, THANK YOU! THAT SAVES ME $28
PLUS $5.00 SHIPPING
AND HANDLING.
WHAT IS IT?
SOMETHING TO WARM
UP MY SIDE OF THE OFFICE.
DR. ALBRIGHT HAS HER
COLLECTION OF TRIBAL DEATH MASKS,
AND NOW I HAVE THESE!
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
IT SAYS, "PLAN AHEAD,"
BUT THE PERSON WHO
MADE IT FORGOT TO.
HA HA!
TAKE THAT,
MR. ADVICE GIVER. POW!
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY
TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS."
IT SURE DOES!
HA HA!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW THESE
TO DR. ALBRIGHT AND NINA.
YOU KNOW, OVER TIME,
I'VE COME TO THINK OF THEM
LESS AS MY COWORKERS
AND MORE LIKE A FAMILY,
AND I'M THE ALL-KNOWING FATHER,
MARY'S THE WIFE, AND NINA
IS OUR ADOPTED LOVE CHILD.
WELL, I'D BETTER BE GOING.
THE FORECAST FOR TODAY
IS LAUGHTER.
HA HA! HA HA! HA HA!
SALLY, YOU STILL WANT ME TO
TEACH YOU TO MAKE GUACAMOLE?
YEAH. I PLANNED MY
WHOLE DAY AROUND IT.
AH. O.K. NOW...
OW! OW!
DARN!
YOU'RE BLEEDING.
NO, I'LL BE FINE. JUST
GET ME A LITTLE GAUZE.
I CAN HANDLE THAT. IT'S
JUST A LITTLE FLESH WOUND.
I'VE INFLICTED FAR WORSE
THAN THAT THOUSANDS OF TIMES.
OF COURSE, NEVER ON
CREATURES WHO BLEED.
I'LL JUST...
OH! SALLY, ARE YOU O.K.?
OH! I KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. WE'VE
GOT TO GET THIS WOMAN TO THE E.R.
NO, NO. GET HER
INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
I'LL PUT A DAMP CLOTH ON
HER FOREHEAD. SHE'LL BE FINE.
OH, SHE'S A BIG GIRL.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I'M LOSING HER.
OH!
OH! OH!
OH, I'M SORRY.
WATCH OUT FOR THE POST.
HUH?
WAIT. I GOT TO
REST FOR A SECOND.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
THE EMERGENCY ROOM
ISN'T SUCH A BAD IDEA.
HERE, LET'S GET HER DOWNSTAIRS.
LOAD HER INTO MY EL CAMINO.
CAREFUL. CAREFUL.
DON'T DROP HER DOWN THE STAIRS.
HUH?
I SAID DON'T DROP
HER DOWN THE STAIRS.
OHHHH.
AS MANY INTELLIGENT PEOPLE KNOW,
ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.
THIS IS THE STORY OF
FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
"ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M
GOING TO GET ORGANIZIZED."
FUNNY.
I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT.
WHOEVER WROTE THIS
IS A RAVING GENIUS!
I HAVE THE BEST NEWS!
PROFESSOR BOSCO HAS
BEEN HIRED BY PRINCETON.
SO YOU TWO ARE CLOSE?
I THINK HE'S A MORON,
BUT I GET HIS OFFICE!
WITH THE BAY WINDOW AND
THE VIEW OF THE APPLE TREE?
YES!
EEE! EEE!
YOU'D HAVE BEEN SO PROUD OF ME.
I WENT TO THAT OVERLY FRIENDLY
WOMAN WHO HANDLES THESE THINGS?
YEAH. WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?
WHO CARES? ANYWAY, IT WAS
BETWEEN ME AND PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
I SAID, "MR.
SEUTTER'S VERY NICE,
"BUT HE SEEMS VERY CONTENT
IN HIS LITTLE BROOMS CLOSET,
SO WHY DISTURB HIM?"
AND SHE BOUGHT IT!
EEE! EEE!
OH! OH! THIS IS WONDERFUL!
OH, MY FUNNY SIGNS WILL LOOK
JUST GREAT IN THE NEW OFFICE!
I'LL LEAVE THE TWO
OF YOU ALONE NOW.
UM...
UH, THE THING IS...
THE NEW OFFICE? IT'S A SINGLE.
OH, GREAT! WE CAN
SHARE THE SAME DESK!
UH...
NO. YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE.
OH, I SEE.
YOU'RE LEAVING ME.
I GUESS IT WAS A
MISTAKE TO GET SO CLOSE.
OH!
WELL! WE'LL STILL
SEE EACH OTHER.
OH, PLEASE. DON'T
PATRONIZE ME. JUST GO.
DICK, I'VE NEVER
HAD MY OWN OFFICE.
I'VE WAITED 12 YEARS FOR THIS.
AND I NEED THE EXTRA
SPACE FOR MY ARTIFACTS.
OH, TO HELL WITH
YOUR TCHOTCHKES!
I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE!
WELL, SOMETIMES YOU
CAN'T GET WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.
SOMETIMES YOU CAN.
I NEED LOTS OF SPACE!
FINE!
MR. POTATO MAN IS ALL
THE COMPANY I NEED.
RIGHT?
ANSWER ME!
SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE SNOW WHITE.
SNOW WHITE WITH DRIED
SPITTLE ON HER CHIN.
WHERE AM I?
YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.
OH, GOOD, HONEY.
YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS.
I'M RUNNING UPSTAIRS
AND SEE A FRIEND OF MINE.
SHE JUST WENT FROM A
DOUBLE-D CUP TO A "B."
WHAT, INTENTIONALLY?
I KNOW. CAN YOU BELIVE THAT?
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU FAINTED.
OH, SALLY, YOU JUST
GOT TO PULL THROUGH!
BUT YOU'RE A FIGHTER.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FIGHTER.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING
LIKE THAT? AM I DYING?
OH, NO, NO. THAT'S
JUST THE WAY THEY TALK
ON THOSE MEDICAL DRAMAS.
DAMN IT!
O.K., MISS SOLOMON.
YOU MIGHT HAVE
A SLIGHT CONCUSSION
FROM YOUR FALL.
I'D LIKE TO KEEP YOU
OVERNIGHT FOR OBSERVATION.
WELL...
AM I GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
WE TAKE GOOD CARE
OF PEOPLE HERE.
OH.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT
THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER.
CAN I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU, DOCTOR?
WHAT IS IT?
THIS WOMAN IS THE
ONLY SISTER I'VE GOT.
AND IF THAT MEANS HAVING TO USE
YOUR BEST DOCTORS AND NURSES,
WELL, I'M JUST GOING TO
HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT.
DAMN IT.
OOWAHHHH!
DR. SOLOMON, I'M JUDITH.
I'M GOING TO BE SHARING
THIS OFFICE WITH YOU.
JUDITH.
THIS IS MY ASSISTANT,
MY BROTHER ROGER.
ROGER.
PLEASE DON'T SHAKE MY HAND.
I'VE JUST WASHED IT.
TWO RULES. WHEN I DO
NOT WISH TO BE DISTURBED,
I WILL PLACE MY NAMEPLATE
FACE DOWN ON MY DESK.
IN THE MORNING,
WHOEVER ARRIVES FIRST
WILL FLIP ON THE IONIZER.
THE WOMAN WHO WAS
PREVIOUSLY IN THIS OFFICE
HAD NO TROUBLE WITH
THE LEVEL OF IONIZATION.
BELIEVE ME...
YOU WILL LIKE ME.
MOST PEOPLE DO.
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
HA!
WELL, THIS IS NICE.
I RUSH OVER HERE, AND
YOU'RE LOLLING AROUND IN BED.
IT WAS SO SCARY.
I WAS COMPLETELY
UNCONSCIOUS FOR A HALF HOUR.
LUCKY YOU. AFTER TODAY,
I'D PAY TO BE UNCONSCIOUS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MARY MOVED INTO A NEW OFFICE.
UH-HUH... MEANING...
I DON'T WANT HER TO MOVE.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE
OFFICE OF HER DREAMS
OR SHE'S ECSTATIC. I'M
SO LONESOME, I COULD DIE.
HELLO! SALLY'S IN THE HOSPITAL!
OH.
WELL, ANYWAY, FROM NOW ON,
I'M THINKING ONLY OF MYSELF.
I'M GOING TO BE COMPLETELY...
WHAT'S THE WORD FOR IT?
SELFISH. SELFISH.
NO. SMART.
I'M GETTING HER BACK OR ELSE.
YOU SAID SHE'S HAPPY THERE.
SHE THINKS SHE IS, BUT
WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?
I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER. I KNOW
WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYTHING.
NOW, WHY WAS I HERE?
OH. RIGHT.
GET WELL. THAT'S AN ORDER.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE TO LIBERATE OLD MAN
SEUTTER FROM HIS BROOM CLOSET.
OH. I BROUGHT YOU SOME JELL-O...
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
PROFESSOR SEUTTER, A
TERRIBLE INJUSTICE HAS BEEN DONE.
WHAT?
I SAID,
A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE
HAS BEEN DONE!
I HEARD YOU. WHAT'S
THE BIG INJUSTICE?
SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN SOMETHING
THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO YOU.
WHAT?
SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN SOMETHING
THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO YOU!
ARE YOU O.K.?
PROFESSOR SEUTTER?
ARE YOU O.K.?
YES! THE ONE WITH THE BAY
WINDOW AND THE APPLE TREE.
HOW LONG HAS IT
BEEN SINCE WE TALKED?
SEVEN YEARS!
WELL, YOU BE GOOD. BYE-BYE.
COMPANY.
LOOK WHO I RAN INTO, MARY.
YOU REMEMBER PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
HELLO, MARY.
HELLO, PROFESSOR.
DR. SOLOMON TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR GOOD FORTUNE.
I WANTED TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
I USED TO HAVE AN EYE
OUT FOR THIS OFFICE.
AHEM.
AH, THE BAY WINDOW!
AND THE APPLE TREE.
MY WIFE AND I USED TO
PICNIC UNDER IT ALL THE TIME.
SHE'S DEAD NOW.
MARY, YOU HAVE
BETTER EYES THAN I.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING CARVED
ON THE TRUNK OUT THERE?
NO...
OH, I SEE IT. IT'S A HEART.
A HEART, MARY.
I CARVED IT ON THE
DAY I PROPOSED,
RIGHT BEFORE I WENT
OUT TO FIGHT THE GERMANS.
YOU MUST'VE LOVED HER...
VERY MUCH.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
MARY... I HAVE
A VERY SPECIAL
FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU.
WHAT?
COULD YOU SOME AFTERNOON
HELP ME GATHER APPLE BLOSSOMS
AND THEN TAKE THEM WITH
ME TO MY WIFE'S GRAVE?
O...
K.
BLESS YOU, MARY.
COME ON, PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
LET ME WALK YOU DOWN
TO YOUR... TINY OFFICE.
I THINK DR. ALBRIGHT
WANTS TO BE ALONE...
WITH HER THOUGHTS.
DON'T YOU LET HIM
MANIPULATE YOU!
THIS IS YOUR OFFICE, AND
I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT
BECAUSE I FINALLY GOT A WINDOW.
I'M BEING OBJECTIVE!
I KNOW, BUT I'M
STARTING TO FEEL BAD.
LISTEN TO ME, WOMAN.
KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE.
BOY, I'M REALLY GOING
TO MISS THIS PLACE.
YEAH, BUT YOU GOT
SOME LOVELY PRIZES.
OH, I KNOW!
A SUPER CUP, A PAIR
OF CIRCULATION SOCKS,
AND A KIDNEY-SHAPED SALAD BOWL!
SWEET!
I COULD JUST HANG
OUT HERE ALL DAY!
I KNOW!
IT'S LIKE DISNEYLAND WITH A
SLIGHTLY HIGHER FATALITY RATE.
HEY. LOOK WHAT I GOT.
OOH!
JUST HANGING OVER
THERE BEHIND A DOOR.
WHOA!
WELL, ARE THERE ANY LEFT?
YEAH, AND THE BEST PART
IS YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE,
PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE A GOD,
AND YOU GET 10%
OFF AT THE GIFT SHOP.
COMING THROUGH! LET'S GO!
COME ON!
FOR THE PREVENTION
OF STROKE! NOW! DO IT!
WHOA! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
HEY! LET'S GO!
ALL RIGHT! HOLD HIS LEGS!
IT JUST NEVER ENDS.
AND WHAT IF IT DID?
LET'S JUST PRAY THAT
DAY NEVER COMES.
LET'S GO.
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
YOU GOT PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
PERSONAL LIFE? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I COULD SLEEP FOREVER.
MMM.
WHEN'S OUR NEXT SHIFT?
WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY.
WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.
HELLO, EVERYONE!
WHOA. YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
DID DR. ALBRIGHT
MOVE BACK IN WITH YOU?
NOT YET, BUT TODAY I REALIZED
IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING MARY BACK
AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.
IT'S ABOUT GETTING JUSTICE
FOR PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.
SO I CALLED UP THE DEAN
AND TOLD HIM IT WAS A TRAVESTY
TO KEEP A 75-YEAR-OLD MAN
LOCKED AWAY IN THE BASEMENT.
AND NOW I'M READY TO PAR-TAY.
SO, UM, WHAT ARE WE
CELEBRATING, BROTHA?
MY RUTHLESS
COMMITMENT TO MYSELF.
WOW. YOU'RE NOT JUST
THE HIGH COMMANDER.
YOU'RE PRESIDENTIAL MATERIAL.
LOOKS LIKE A BURST APPENDIX.
DON'T LET THE SALINE
COUNT FOOL YOU.
I KNOW THIS MAN IS A DIABETIC.
NO, HE ISN'T.
YOU'RE SUSPENDED!
SHE'S GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT, ISN'T SHE?
SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.
HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT A DOCTOR ONCE DID FOR ME.
EVERYTHING'S GOING
TO BE ALL RIGHT.
WE TAKE GOOD CARE
OF PEOPLE HERE.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
THIS MUST BE A TOUGH JOB.
OH! I'VE SEEN STUFF
THAT WOULD MAKE
YOUR EYES POP OUT
AND SPLATTER AGAINST THE WALL.
IN FACT, I'VE SEEN THAT, TOO.
LOOKS LIKE A BURST APPENDIX.
DON'T LET THE SALINE
COUNT FOOL YOU.
I KNOW THIS MAN IS A DIABETIC.
THIS IS A UTERUS!
YOU'RE SUSPENDED!
FATHER RICE, I FIND MYSELF
IN THE MIDST OF A MORAL DILEMMA.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A
THEOLOGY DEPARTMENT, DICK.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
IT'S PROFESSOR ALBRIGHT.
SHE'S STRAYED.
NO NEWS THERE.
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
UH... WHO IS IT THIS TIME?
PROFESSOR SEUTTER.
THAT'S WHY, FATHER,
I IMPLORE YOU
TO USE YOUR
POSITION TO SHAME HER.
EH... THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
WHAT WE DO ANYMORE.
SOMEONE'S GOT TO GET
HER OUT OF THAT NEW OFFICE.
NEW OFFICE?
UP ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
BAY WINDOW? APPLE TREE?
THAT'S THE ONE.
WELL, I'LL BE DARNED.
I HADN'T HEARD.
SO ALBRIGHT GOT
THAT OFFICE, HUH?
HMM.
THANK YOU, DICK.
ROGER SAYS YOU MUST
NEVER LEAVE THESE
ON HIS DESK AGAIN.
WHATEVER.
"ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M
GOING TO GET ORGANIZIZED."
HA HA HA HA HA!
THAT'S MARVELOUS!
IT'S MORONIC! NOW BE QUIET!
THERE YOU ARE!
OOH! LA...
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT WAS A BURST APPENDIX.
THE SALINE COUNT FOOLED ME!
I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD DIABETES.
HE'LL LIVE NOW.
REMEMBER THIS FACE.
AND BEG THAT ONE DAY
YOU'LL BE HALF THE
PROFESSIONAL THAT...
DR. MOSHE PIPCHIK IS!
CAN'T YOU PEOPLE
SEE I'M CARRYING A BOX?
NINA!
MARY, YOU'RE BACK!
YES, I'M BACK.
DEAN SUMNER SAID
IT WAS AN OVERSIGHT.
HE'D ALREADY PROMISED
MY OFFICE TO SOMEONE ELSE.
THAT'S THE LAST
TIME I SUCK UP TO HIM!
PROFESSOR SEUTTER!
SO I GUESS EVERYTHING
WORKED OUT, HUH?
OH, SHUT UP.
THANKS TO THAT IDIOT CAMPAIGN
YOU MOUNTED ON MY BEHALF,
THEY'RE FORCING ME TO RETIRE.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU REMINDED
THEM I WAS OVER 70
AND STILL ON THE PAYROLL.
I HAVEN'T TAUGHT A
CLASS IN FOUR YEARS.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN
DOING ALL THIS TIME?
WORKING ON MY SCREENPLAY.
IT'S LIKE DIE HARD,
BUT IT'S SET IN AN
OFFICE BUILDING.
DIE HARD WAS IN
AN OFFICE BUILDING.
UP YOURS.
MARY!
WHAT?
SOMEWHERE IN THE
RECESSES OF YOUR HEART,
AREN'T YOU JUST
THE TINIEST BIT HAPPY
THAT WE'RE A FAMILY AGAIN?
SO I SAID TO THE
HEAD OF ONCOLOGY,
"THIS IS A HOSPITAL, DAMN IT!"
OOOH!
LOOK AT ALL THE NEW PEOPLE!
HELLO, PRECIOUS! HELLO!
HEY, THAT ONE RIGHT THERE
LOOKS LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL.
SO DOES THAT ONE.
HEY, THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE
BLACK WINSTON CHURCHILL.
IT'S AMAZING, ISN'T IT?
AN ENTIRE WARD OF
PURE DISTILLED LIFE.
I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T JUST
COME HERE TO GET REPAIRED.
OOH. SHH.
DON'T CRY, SWEETHEART.
THIS PART'S EASY.
JUST WAIT TILL YOU HAVE TO
CHOOSE A LONG DISTANCE CARRIER.
I WISH I COULD HAVE STARTED
FROM SCRATCH LIKE YOU GUYS.
KNOWING BUT NOT KNOWING.
SEEING AND THEN...
ALL AT ONCE FORGETTING.
ENJOY IT.
TIME HERE MOVES REALLY FAST.
FATHER, I'VE MADE
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
IN ORDER TO GET MY
WAY, I'VE HARMED A FRIEND,
SOMEONE I DEEPLY LOVE,
A MAN I BARELY KNOW,
AND A LARGE, UNPLEASANT
WOMAN IN SENSIBLE SHOES.
I FEEL JUST AWFUL.
DICK, ALL OF GOD'S
CREATURES MAKE MISTAKES,
AND HE FORGIVES THEM.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
WHEN I WALK UP
TO MY BAY WINDOW...
AND SEE THAT APPLE TREE OUTSIDE,
I'M REMINDED OF HOW
SIMPLE LIFE CAN BE
WHEN IT BECOMES
LESS ABOUT HAVING
AND MORE ABOUT BEING.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, FATHER,
IN A REALLY, REALLY
GREAT OFFICE.
IT IS GREAT, ISN'T IT?
I'VE REALIZED THAT WHEN
GETTING WHAT YOU WANT
COMES AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS,
IT'S NOT AT ALL SATISFYING.
EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST
BAG OF CIRCUS PEANUTS?
NOW, THAT WOULD
BE PRETTY SATISFYING.
THIS CAME FOR YOU
FROM THE HOSPITAL.
OH, THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
IT'S PROBABLY A GET WELL CARD.
IT'S A BILL FOR $3,500!
OH, BUT LOOK.
IT SAYS, "THANK YOU FOR
YOUR PROMPT PAYMENT."
DID YOU PAY THEM?
NO.
I DIDN'T PAY THEM.
IT WASN'T ME.
SOMEBODY MUST HAVE.
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