3rd Rock from the Sun (1996–2001): Season 1, Episode 20 - See Dick Run - full transcript

Mary has finally agreed to go on a date with Dick and it turns out be a very interesting date indeed. Sally finally has Tommy's teacher over for coffee and perhaps more. Unfortunately, the Solomons have received word from the home planet that their mission will come to an end because they have failed and that they will be replaced within 24 hours. The Solomons start packing and realize they'll miss earth and everything about it.

YOU'LL LIKE THIS, DICK.

THE COMMERCIAL SAID THE
EXTRA INGREDIENT IS LOVE.

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NEXT TIME, TRY MAKING THE
EXTRA INGREDIENT CHEESE.

WHAT'S WITH HARRY?

DON'T BOTHER HIM. HE'S
TRANSMITTING MY STATUS REPORT.

STATUS REPORT?

TO THE BIG, GIANT HEAD?

WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO ANSWER

TO THAT PENCIL-PUSHING
DESK JOCKEY?

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE THINKS.



WHAT DID HE SAY ABOUT ME?

ASSUME NORMAL
FUNCTIONS IN 3... 2... 1...

WHAT DID I MISS?

WHAT WAS IN THAT REPORT?

LOTS OF TIME AND EFFORT.

COME ON, READ IT BACK.

AH...

"DEAR BIG, GIANT HEAD,

"HOW ARE YOU? WE'RE
FINE." YADDA-YADDA-YADDA...

"THE MISSION IS TAKING
LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED.

"THE BEING DESIGNATED SALLY

"HAS BRAVELY INFILTRATED
THE FEMALE GENDER.

"THE HARRY UNIT IS
FUNCTIONING ADEQUATELY.

"THE COMMANDER HAS
SQUANDERED SIX MONTHS



PURSUING A SINGLE EARTH WOMAN."

WAIT, WAIT. WHAT WAS THAT?

I AM FUNCTIONING ADEQUATELY.

FUTILE PURSUIT OF DR. ALBRIGHT?

HOW COULD YOU WRITE THIS?

I'M THE INFORMATION OFFICER.

I'M SWORN TO TRUTH.

THE TRUTH IS,

THROUGH MARY, I'VE
EXPLORED EVERY FACET

OF THE MALE-FEMALE DYNAMIC.

HAVE YOU ESTABLISHED A
MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP?

NO.

HAVE YOU BONDED EMOTIONALLY? NO.

HAVE YOU HAD ONE
SUCCESSFUL DATE?

IF BY SUCCESSFUL
YOU MEAN PLEASANT...

NO.

DON'T SWEAT IT, DICK.

THE BIG, GIANT HEAD
NEVER READS THESE THINGS.

PERHAPS I HAVE BEEN REMISS,

BUT BY WEEK'S END,

I'LL HAVE ESTABLISHED AN EMOTIONAL
BEACHHEAD WITH DR. ALBRIGHT.

THIS I VOW!

YEAH, AND HARRY'S GOING
TO WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE.

WELL, I'M HAPPY JUST
TO BE NOMINATED.

AS MANY IMPORTANT PEOPLE KNOW,

ALIENS ARE ALL AROUND US.

THIS IS THE STORY OF
FOUR SUCH EXPLORERS.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY

AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP

GOOD MORNING.

MORNING, NINA.

OH, THOSE ARE NICE.

THEY COST $89.

DON'T TELL HER THAT.

OH. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD MORNING.

THEY COST $89.

OH.

DR. ALBRIGHT,

WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR

OF JOINING ME FOR
DINNER TONIGHT?

NO.

CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH
PAIN YOU'RE CAUSING?

HE'S NOTHING IF NOT RESILIENT.

NOT HIM. ME.

YOU TWO ARE DRIVING
ME UP THE WALL.

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
ATTRACTED TO HIM.

TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE, WOMAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I...

LOOK AT HIM.

I SUPPOSE IT'S TIME TO
GIVE THE BIG DOG A BISCUIT.

AND I DO HAVE TO EAT.

O.K. I ACCEPT.

YES!

DICK, I REALLY NEED
TO GET IN THERE.

I NEED TO BE HANDSOME TONIGHT.

I MEAN SEARS-CATALOG HANDSOME.

IF HE WANTS TO GET
SOMEWHERE WITH HER,

HE SHOULD FOLLOW MY LEAD.

MR. RANDALL AND I HAVE
A DREAMY RELATIONSHIP.

YOU DON'T EVEN CALL
HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME.

THAT'S WHAT SOPHISTICATED
PEOPLE DO ON THIS PLANET.

I REALIZE IT'S NOT AS ROMANTIC

AS YOU AND AUGUST
SHARING YOUR PUDDING CUP.

HEY, WE WERE JUST VOTED
CUTEST COUPLE, SO SHUT UP.

O.K., WHERE'S MY SHOES?

OH, I THINK I SAW ONE OF
THEM RIGHT OVER THERE.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S HARRY!

HIS CRANIAL
MICRO-RECEIVER IS ACTIVATED.

TRANSMISSION INCOMING
FROM THE BIG, GIANT HEAD.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING
THE BIG, GIANT HEAD.

HE CARES ABOUT YOU.

YOUR STATUS REPORT WAS RECEIVED.

PLEASE WAIT FOR COMMENTS.

PLEASE, PLEASE, NO COMMENTS...

NO, NO, NO. NO COMMENTS...

THERE ARE NO COMMENTS.

RESUME NORMAL
FUNCTIONS IN 3... 2... 1...

AH-CHOO!

I TOLD YOU HE NEVER
READS THOSE THINGS.

I REALLY RESENT HOW
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO JUMP

WHENEVER HE SENDS A MESSAGE.

EVERYONE KNOWS
HE ONLY GOT THE JOB

BY KISSING THE BIG, GIANT BUTT.

TODA, TODA, HAI.

TODA, TODA, HAI.
TODA, TODA, HAI.

OH, THIS IS FUN.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

HAI.

HAI.

OH!

HAI. HAI.

HAI. HAI!

HAI.

HAI!

HEY, HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS
GETTING INTO WHEN HE TOOK THIS JOB.

AUGUST...

WE SHARE MORE THAN
PUDDING, DON'T WE?

YOU'VE GOT PUDDING?

I WAS USING IT AS A METAPHOR
FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP.

OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS SOFT AND GOOEY?

NO, NO.

NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WALK ME UP.

I DON'T MIND. HEY, GUYS.

HI, MR. RANDALL.

WELL, SIT DOWN. TAKE
OFF YOUR SHIRT... SHOES.

TOMMY, UM,

I NEED THE PARLOR TO
ENTERTAIN MR. RANDALL.

MR. "HEAVEN" RANDALL.

WE'RE DOING HOMEWORK.

YEAH. MESOPOTAMIA.

OH. THE FERTILE CRESCENT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT?

PARDON?

NEVER MIND.

I'LL SEE TO THAT COFFEE.
TOMMY, HELP AUNTIE SALLY.

EXCUSE US.

I NEED TO BE ALONE
WITH MR. RANDALL.

I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE!

OH, YOU JUST WANT THE LIVING
ROOM SO YOU CAN HAVE SEX!

HOW'S HISTORY THIS YEAR?

GOOD. GOOD.

SOO-NA, SOO-NA...

HAI!

SOO-NA, SOO-NA, HAI!

OH!

AAH!

HAI!

OOH...

HAI.

THANKS FOR BAILING ME OUT.

YOU ARE SO MUCH FUN.

DR. ALBRIGHT,

YOUR HAND'S ON MY KNEE.

WANT ME TO MOVE IT?

PLEASE.

NO. I MEANT MOVE IT AROUND.

WELL, AUGUST SURE LEFT EARLY.

WELL, YOU DUMPED COFFEE ON HER.

SHE CRITICIZED MY
JELL-O WITH CHEESE.

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN ARE YOU?

LET'S NOT SQUABBLE.
WE'RE FAMILY.

SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT.

COME ON, LET'S PLAY
A GAME, SHALL WE?

WHAT'LL IT BE?

BITE ME.

ALL RIGHT. WHO'S IT?

O.K., FINE, YOU KNOW?

YOU TRY TO HELP, AND
THIS IS THE THANKS...

TRANSMISSION INCOMING
FROM THE BIG, GIANT HEAD.

AGAIN?

THANK YOU FOR
YOUR STATUS REPORT.

I JUDGE YOUR MISSION
TO BE A COMPLETE FAILURE.

REPLACEMENTS ARRIVE IN 24 HOURS.

RESUME NORMAL
FUNCTIONS IN 3... 2... 1...

KKGGHH...

WHAT DID I MISS?

THEY'RE ABORTING THE MISSION.

REPLACEMENTS ARRIVE TOMORROW.

THEY'RE SENDING US HOME.

OHH... OHH...

OHHH...

UHHHHH...

OH, DR. ALBRIGHT,

THAT WAS THE GREATEST
30 SECONDS OF MY LIFE.

AH, SMELL THE SPRING AIR.

WHAT SAY WE HAVE CLASS OUTSIDE?

THE WORLD IS SUCH
A PERFECT PLACE.

WHAT ARE WE DOING INDOORS?

DR. SOLOMON...

WHAT IS IT, DARLING?

I THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE HAVING OUR FINAL EXAM.

I'M SHOOTING FOR A "D,"
SO I'LL NEED THE FULL HOUR.

FINAL EXAM...

TODAY?

HAA...

I FORGOT. ISN'T THAT A HOOT?

YOU SEE, I DIDN'T MAKE
IT HOME LAST NIGHT.

I COULD HAVE,

BUT I WAS AWFULLY
COMFORTABLE WHERE I WAS

IN A PLACE THAT'S
DEFINITELY NOT HOME.

DR. SOLOMON,

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T TALK ABOUT
IT. IT'S TOO PERSONAL.

LET'S JUST SAY...

I HAD SEX WITH DR. ALBRIGHT.

DR. SOLOMON,

WE DON'T NEED TO
KNOW ABOUT THIS.

THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, BUCK.

YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

LAST NIGHT AT 11:22
EASTERN STANDARD TIME

MY SPIRITUAL SELF, X,
AND MY CORPOREAL SELF, Y,

WERE FUSED TOGETHER...

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

BUT LET'S MOVE ON...

DICK, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I HAVE BIG NEWS.

YOU DO? WELL, I
HAVE BIG NEWS, TOO.

CAN WE STEP
OUTSIDE FOR A MINUTE?

O.K. CLASS, WHILE I'M GONE,

PONDER BEING NAKED
UNDER COOL, COOL SHEETS.

WE'RE LEAVING?

NO-O-O-O-O!

JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION.

ALL RIGHT.
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING,

IF YOU SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED

I'D EXPERIENCE
SEPARATION ANXIETY,

AND I'D PROBABLY
HARBOR SOME RESENTMENT.

BUT YOU'D KNOW THAT I'D
ALWAYS CARE ABOUT YOU, RIGHT?

WAIT. ARE YOU DUMPING ME?

NO. NO!

IT'S THAT CHEERLEADER,
CHERYL, ISN'T IT?

I'LL CLUE YOU IN, PAL.

IT'S ALL PADDING.

YOU... YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...

IT IS?

YOU LIKE MY COFFEE?

I PUT CHEESE IN IT.

IT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT?

IT'S, UM...

CHEDDARY.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

SURE.

IF I COULD NEVER MAKE
COFFEE FOR YOU AGAIN...

NOT THAT THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

I'M HERE WITH MY
POT READY TO POUR.

WOULD YOU MISS ME?

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

CALL IT...

GIRLISH INSECURITY.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

AWFUL.

LIKE SOMEBODY
RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT

AND THEN SHOWED IT TO YOU?

WELL, NOT SHOWED IT TO ME.

SO WITHOUT ME YOU'D
BE A MISERABLE WRECK

FOR A WEEK, A MONTH,
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

THE REST OF MY LIFE.

OHH...

MR. RANDALL...

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
HAPPY YOU'VE MADE ME.

THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU AND
DR. SOLOMON HAD A DATE TONIGHT.

WE DID.

HE STOOD YOU UP?

OH, NO, NO. I TALKED TO HIM.

HE SAID HE GOT AN
UPSETTING PHONE CALL

FROM A FRIEND WITH A BIG HEAD.

HE DIDN'T THINK HE'D
BE MUCH FUN TONIGHT.

WELL, MY ALL-TIME
FAVORITE EXCUSE WAS,

"I HAVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS."

YOU HAD THAT PULLED ON YOU?

YES.

BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS,
THE GUY DIED.

YOU GOING TO BE O.K.?

NINA, I'M AT THE
STAGE IN MY LIFE

WHERE I REFUSE TO LET A
MAN'S CHILDISH BEHAVIOR

STEER ME OFF COURSE.

I'M TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.

WELL, IF I WERE YOU,

I'D GO NAIL HIS SORRY
ASS TO THE WALL.

THAT IS THE HIGH ROAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE
BEING CALLED BACK.

I DON'T WANT TO GO.

I'M SO UPSET. WHAT TO PACK?

CAN I TAKE THESE
OPEN-TOED METALLIC SANDALS?

ONCE WE'RE OUT OF HERE,
WE WON'T EVEN HAVE FEET.

BUT THEY LOOK LIKE PUMPS
AND FEEL LIKE SNEAKERS.

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.

OHH...

I'VE GROWN ATTACHED TO CERTAIN
THINGS ON THIS PLANET, TOO.

I'LL MISS THE SUNSETS,
THE CHANGE OF SEASONS,

THE WAY MY STUDENTS
AVERT THEIR EYES

WHEN I PASS THEM IN THE HALLS...

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'LL MISS THE MOST?

ALL OF YOU.

WE'LL STILL BE TOGETHER.
WE'RE STILL A UNIT.

BUT WE WON'T BE
A FAMILY ANYMORE.

OH, LIEUTENANT...

OH, SIR...

I PROMISED MYSELF I
WASN'T GOING TO DO THIS.

HARRY, BE BRAVE.

THIS IS NO TIME FOR WEAKNESS.

WE MUST BE STRONG!

DICK.

MARY.

DICK...

MARY.

DICK. HARRY.

WHAT?

I'D LIKE A FEW WORDS
WITH YOU IN PRIVATE.

MARY, WE HAVE NO SECRETS.

WHATEVER WE HAVE TO SAY,

WE CAN SAY BEFORE EVERYONE.

LAST NIGHT WHEN WE WERE...

LET'S GO OUT ON THE ROOF.

I'M GOING TO GET MY RECORD
COLLECTION FOR THE TRIP BACK.

YOU KNOW... TUNES FOR THE ROAD.

GREAT. 14 LIGHT-YEARS
OF GLEN CAMPBELL.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

SO DO I. SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO START.

LET ME TRY FOR YOU.

LAST NIGHT MEANT
THE WORLD TO YOU,

BUT YOU HAVE TO PUSH ME
AWAY SO YOU DON'T HURT ME.

PLEASE, BELIEVE YOU.
PLEASE, BELIEVE YOU.

THAT'S IT EXACTLY.

YOU UNDERSTAND MY EVERY THOUGHT.

I UNDERSTAND
YOU'VE HAD THE MILK...

WHY BUY THE COW?

NO, MARY.

I WANT YOU.

I WANT THE COW.

FOR WHAT, A ONE-NIGHT
STAND IN THE BARN?

I WON'T BE TREATED THIS WAY.

YOU HURT ME.

HOW?

YOU KNOW WHY WE
ENDED UP AT MY PLACE?

NOT BECAUSE I WAS LONELY
OR HAD TOO MUCH SAKE.

WE ENDED UP THERE BECAUSE...

I CARE FOR YOU.

OH, MARY...

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO
WAIT UNTIL NOW TO TELL ME?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH NOW?

I WISH I HAD A MACHINE
THAT COULD FREEZE TIME.

UNFORTUNATELY, I LEFT
IT IN MY OTHER JACKET.

DICK?

OH, DICK, COME IN HERE.

I'VE GOT WONDERFUL
NEWS FROM HOME.

YOU...

WAIT RIGHT HERE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MMOOOO.

O.K., DICK'S HERE. WHAT IS IT?

O.K. THERE WAS A
MISTAKE IN THE MESSAGE.

COME ON! TELL ME!

DICK, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE GOING.

WE'RE STAYING.

YEAH! YEAH!

AWW... OHH...

HOW DID YOU GET
YOUR INFORMATION?

WELL, I WAS DOWN GETTING
MY RECORD COLLECTION,

AND I BUMPED INTO
YOUR REPLACEMENT.

MY REPLACEMENT?

HE'S IN THE BASEMENT.

HE WANTS TO TALK
TO YOU, DICK... NOW.

HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO?

WHERE ARE YOU?

YOU!

YOU'RE GORGEOUS!

THANK YOU.

THIS BODY SHOULD SUIT ME NICELY.

THE BIG, GIANT HEAD
IS VERY UNHAPPY...

COMMANDER.

I'VE BEEN SENT HERE
TO REPLACE YOU

AND COMPLETE THE MISSION

WITH RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY.

NOW I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME
FOR ME TO ASSUME COMMAND.

YOU THINK YOU CAN
JUST TAKE OVER?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

THE PEOPLE HERE ARE SO COMPLEX.

THEY HAVE ALL THESE
FEELINGS AND IMPULSES,

DREAMS AND FEARS...

EVERY TIME YOU'VE MASTERED ONE,

ANOTHER ONE CATCHES
YOU BY SURPRISE.

TONIGHT I FINALLY
MADE A BREAKTHROUGH.

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE
CARES ABOUT ME.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE NOW!

OH, YES, I CAN.

WHAT ABOUT...

MARY?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER...

GOOD.

NO.

I WON'T ALLOW IT!

I LOVE HER. I'M NOT LEAVING HER!

HOW TOUCHING.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE
ACTUALLY CHANGED MY MIND.

I THINK I WILL LET
YOU STAY HERE.

RIGHT HERE...

FOREVER.

HEH HEH HEH HEH...

HA HA HA HA HA...

NO.

YOU'RE NOT...

OH, MY GOD!

HE'S TURNED ME INTO A MIME!

YOU KNOW, IF YOU PLAY
WICHITA LINEMAN BACKWARDS,

YOU GET OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

HEH HEH HEH HEH...

WHAT'S SO FUNNY, DICK?

I AM NOT...

DICK.

I'M YOUR NEW HIGH COMMANDER.

FROM THIS POINT FORWARD,
YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS SUCH.

O.K...

SUCH.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DICK?

THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW
AND YOU TO FIND OUT.

THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT
OF CHANGES AROUND HERE.

FOR INSTANCE, FROM NOW ON,

THIS...

GOES HERE.

AND THAT'S JUST
THE FIRST OF MANY...

CHANGES.

WOW.

WHAT A BLACK HOLE.

MARY...

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS
I'VE BEEN A BUMBLING FOOL.

AS OF RIGHT NOW, THAT'S OVER.

I ONLY CARE ABOUT ONE THING NOW,

AND THAT'S PLEASURE.

YOURS...

AND MINE.

OH, PLEASE.

THAT'S GOOD.

I LIKE IT WHEN THEY BEG.

HOW DARE YOU!

SHH.

LET DADDY DRIVE.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NBC
ENTERTAINMENT, THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY

AND 1995 NCI CAPTION
CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE
NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF
CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT

PERMISSION OF NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

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