30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 10 - Black Light Attack! - full transcript

When Liz and Danny further their relationship, Jack becomes jealous and plans to break them apart. Meanwhile, Tracy recruits Sue into his entourage, and Jenna auditions for a role on "Gossip Girl."

Good show tonight, Mr. Jordan.

Hey, Kenneth.

Why aren't your teeth
glowing in the black light?

You'll have to ask the
fellow who whittled them for me.

It's her, isn't it?

I don't kiss and tell, Jack.

Ah, because you're
a gentleman, Danny.

It's good to finally have
another one of us around here.

I'm just happy to be here.

A month ago, I was doing
a robot act on the street,

so I know my place.

I want to be T.G.S. 's Steve Nash,

Come down from
Canada, work hard,

make the black guy look good.

Did you just make
a sports reference?

Do you know how little
of that I get here?

Look at me
in the black light!

It's Tron!

Watch out, Sark, It's me, Flynn!


Light bike.

Good job tonight, Danny.

Robot Lorenzo Lamas was funny.

As was Robot Ryan Seacrest
and David Hasselbot.

Hey, it's the writing.

It's really not.

So now that Danny's here,

you actually come to the after parties?

It's nice to have another
man around for once.

Oh, there are other men...

Oh, boy.

It's not what you think!

It's something I need to wear

to support my breasts!

Lemon, I have season tickets to
every sports team in New York,

so close to the action,
you feel like you're sitting

in front of an H.D. Television.

And they're wasted
on you and your coworkers.

Why won't they put
me on the Jumbotron?

I've been doing
cool stuff all game.


But my biggest
problem with Quidditch is

if the snitch is 150 points,

why does anyone
bother with the quaffle?

Hey, Jeter!

Are you jealous?

I'm with my new boyfriend!

And now that Danny's here,

I have someone to do guy stuff with.

Have actual male conversations.

You know, he confided in me

that he's got a
little something going

with one of the girls here.

Maybe it's that Russian
dancer with the tattoos.

Which is the crazy sex trifecta.

That girl has a name, Jack.

We call her "Skankovich".

I'm sure you disapprove.

But the workplace is a
hierarchy, and Danny is a star.

All the pretty, little things down here

always want to be
with the people up here.

Whatever, as long as
he's discreet about it.

It's a younger man's game, Lemon.

But I can't say that I don't miss it.

You'd be in your office late at night,

and the new girl would come in

with some flimsy
excuse to be there.

"Oh, Mr. Donaghy, I forgot to give you

the factory worker death rates."

Then, she'd laugh
at your lame joke.

A touch on the arm.

And you'd take your reward.

You'd take your reward.

How drunk are you?

A lot to very.

Boy, that robot body
paint does not wash off.

Is it the body paint?

Or is Danny just glowing like
a beacon of manly camaraderie?

Oh, God.

I'm extremely drunk.

Oh, my...

Hey, we've got to get
Danny out by 5:00 today.

I guess Jack's taking
him to the Knicks game.

Liz, I can't do
girls' lunch today.

We've never done that.

Because I have an
audition for Gossip Girl.

Oh, I love that show.

I play Tartine Gramercy.

An heiress to a vermouth
fortune and a freshman at N.Y.U.

Really? A college freshman?

That's right.

In the scene they gave me,

I'm fighting with my
mother, a washed-up actress

who's clinging to her last
scraps of faded glamour.


It's interesting they've
highlighted the mother's lines.

Well, that's so I'll
know what part not to read.

As if the word "mother"
didn't tip me off already.

Wish me luck.

We really should have said something.

What happens when she gets there
and finds out she's the mom?

Oh, Pete, that's later.

Maybe we'll be dead by then.

Oh, that'd be great.

Sue, you're probably wondering

why we asked you to
join the entourage.

Well, over the years,
I've had a complicated

relationship with women.

From my treatment
of the dancers here

to my remarks about Madeleine Albright

at the 1996 White House
Correspondents' Dinner.

What? It's true!

She does look like one of those!

Now that Mr. Jordan
is having a daughter,

he wants to learn to give all
women the respect they deserve.

Even you foreigners.

That's why I'm adding a daughter
to the entourage family.

Now what's on the
schedule for today?

10:00 A.M., Dotcom shows us pictures

from his trip to Greece.

I think I'm going to go
ahead and cancel that.

Okay, I'll reschedule.


11:00 A.M., go to strip club.

I'll get the car.

Hey, hang on.

No, I don't think we
should go to a strip club.

It just doesn't feel right.

I think we should let the
new member choose an activity.

I like to go to Tasti D-Lite.

I said we're not going to a strip club.


What don't you understand?

I don't want to take you to a strip club!

Oh, come on, you hoser!


So what did you do after
the party the other night?

Well, my, uh, work friend
and I went to her office.

Ooh, she has an office.

Hey, is it that chick lawyer

who does the sexual
harassment presentation?

Because she's asking for it.

Okay, no more guesses, continue.

All right, so we're getting into it,

and she takes off her glasses.

Real sexy.


But she never takes off her
shoes, which I kind of like.

Even though the reason is she's
never let a man see her feet.


And she's kind of a tease.

Mostly we just kiss, and then,
she makes me go down to the deli

to get her a sandwich.

So we haven't gone too far.

But under that dress, I can tell she's

wearing some weird underwear.

I want to see it.

They're called "Spanx".


Jenna, thanks
so much for coming in.

This is Archeria,
She'll be reading with you.



Okay, Tartine has just discovered videos

of her boyfriend on her
mother's online sex diary.

Mother, is there something
I don't know about you

and Wainwright?

What are you doing?

Sorry, let's start over.

Mother, is there something I don't...

Jenna, you're
reading the wrong lines.

What do you mean?

I'm not playing the mo...

You wanted to see me?

Close the door, Lemon.

So we haven't talked about
your personal life lately.

Anything new going on there?

No, same old nothing.

Nothing, really?

That's too bad.

'Cause you know what I always say.

Black light attack!


Oh, boy.

That stuff does not wash off.

You and Danny?

I would have guessed anyone else.

Jenna, Sue...

All right, come on.

How is this possible?

Well, I don't know if you know this, Jack,

but the workplace is a hierarchy.

And I'm Danny's boss.

Sometimes, all the pretty
little things down here

want to be with the people up here.

And they come into your
office late one night

with some flimsy excuse.

Hey, Liz.

I just want to show
you this new iPhone app.

You shake it and it
sounds like an empty can.


My favorite "apps" are
the ones before my entree.

Oh, my God.

That is the funniest
thing I've ever heard.

So what are you up to right now?

And I took my reward.

Lemon, you need to end this now.

What? No.

Jack, you were just
talking about how you miss

office hook-ups.

That is a double standard.

Calm down.

No, I won't calm down.

Women are allowed to
get angrier than men

about double standards.

It's not about that.

Yes, I've had office
relationships in the past.

But always with people
that I could transfer

to another city or
introduce to Nicolas Sarkozy.

Danny is on your show.

Yeah, but it's not serious.

It's not serious yet.

End it before it starts
affecting the show.

Ugh, fine.

I'll talk to him
when he gets in.

What did he do to
the back of your knees?

A lady never tells.

Hey, blondie.

You like Italian ice?

Hey, watch your mouth!

She's only 34 years old!


What's wrong with me?

First, I don't want to go to strip clubs.

And then I get angry
at that hilarious dude

that said something awesome.

There's nothing wrong with you, sir.

It's just, you're treating
Sue like family now.

It makes you feel
protective of her.

But I'm not like
that with my sons.

When they were little,
I threw them in the deep end

of our pool.

To help them get over
their fear of sharks.

Well, it's different with girls.

You want to protect
them from the world.

I'm proud of you, sir.

It's like a whole, new part
of your heart has opened up.

Thank God.

'Cause the doctors keep
telling me it's pretty clogged.

The mother.

They wanted me
to play the mother.

Oh, boy, okay, here we go.

Hey, Pete!

Jenna just got the...

A mother?

I'm not a mother.

Would a mother be planning a
sex tour of Vietnam this spring?

Okay, just...

Look, you're a beautiful woman.

But you can't play prom queens
and murdered runaways forever.

But those were my majors
at the Royal Tampa Academy

of Dramatic Tricks.

You can try to
fight getting older.

You can be like Madonna,
and cling to youth

with you Gollum arms.

Or you can be like Meryl Streep

and embrace your
age with elegance.

So you're saying it's a choice.

Between the dignity of middle
age and the illusion of youth.

Two paths.

Meryl Streep.

Or Madonna.

Very well, I will emulate
my acting inspiration.

A woman of profound poise, whose
career is what we all aspire to.

Okay, this build-up
is making me nervous.

A woman whose feminine
grace and normal outfits

are an inspiration.

Just say who it is
and I'll feel better.

Someone whose very name
stands for enduring beauty

and the wonder of womanhood.

Please don't say...


Hey, Danny.

Hey, Liz.

Look, I know we're supposed
to pre-tape that Robot V Wade

cold open tonight,

But Jack said I can skip it and
go to the Rangers game with him.

Yeah, sure, you can go.

But, um, we have to talk.


Richard, would you excuse us, please?

What's up?

Meet me in my office in five minutes.

Well, just let me change.

Mmm... No, That won't
be necessary, officer.

What are you happy about?

Did we get cancelled?

Can't a girl just be happy?

Oh, no, Jenna.

Don't do this.

Hang on, I'm just tweeting
that I ran into you.

This is so tandem.

"Random", Jenna.

Those kids are
saying the word "random".


Come on, you guys, stop it!

Turn it off, Frank.

What's going on?

What are you doing to Cerie?

Frank downloaded
this high-pitched tone

that can only be
heard by young ears.

They use it in Japan

to keep kids from loitering
outside of convenience stores.

Cerie's the only one who can hear it.

The rest of us are too old.

Oh, not me!

I can hear it!

Ugh, my ears are, like, dying!

Ah, Facebook!

Um, I already turned it off.

I also have this low-frequency tone

that can only be heard
by people over 40.

Have you
started playing it yet?


Lemon, can I
speak with you for a moment?

What is happening to me?

Danny and I were
supposed to have lunch today.

Why didn't he show up?

I don't know, maybe he
had something better to do.

Well, I had a Porterhouse for Two alone.

I am very angry and sleepy.

This is from Danny's CHiPs costume.

What is it doing here?

Officer, what's
going on up there?

It's an accident.

A really bad one.

This badge is a
symbol of dignity, honor,

and dramatized 1970s
inter-ethnic California

daytime motorcycle highway justice.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I changed my mind.

I'm trying to look out
for the show here, Lemon.

Yeah, I don't think you are.

While stuck in a pile-up on the
Pacific Coast Highway earlier,

I realized something.

You take Danny away from work
whenever you want to hang out.

I don't think this
is about the show.

I think you have some sort
of problem with the fact

that Danny is with me.

For four years, I've had to make do

with what passes for men in this place.

With their untucked
shirts, boneless faces,

their Stars, both Wars and Trek.

I needed a man around here,
and I finally have one.

No, I finally have one.

Liz Lemon has a handsome,
goof-around, make-out buddy.

And that's the problem.

Danny can't be my alpha-male wingman

and his boss' little "scrump nugget".

They're incompatible.

Well, then, I guess it's on.

May the best man win.

Oh, he will.

Hey, where are you going?

It's board game night.


Out? With whom?

This guy, Doug.

Well, does Doug have a last name?

Okay, everybody, let's just...

You can't make me stay here.

You are a part of this entourage.

I didn't ask to be in this entourage!

Look, I know you didn't mean that.

I do mean it.

I'm not like you!

I'll never be like you!

And now, I'm at the point
where I love just kissing.

We kiss for an hour and
it's totally enough for me.

Uh-huh, this is good guy talk.

She has really thin lips,

but she makes up for
it with tongue girth.

Okay, maybe we just watch the game.

Forget about girls for a night.


You know,
my little cuddle baby

loves to watch figure skating,

and I'm really starting to get into that.

And now,
turning to women's health.

Our latest women's information
on women's sexuality

finds female libido does
tend to peak in those years

just before peri-menopause.

What scientists and doctors
like myself are calling

their Dirty 30s.

Women are also looking at the latest...

I've got to go, Jack.

What? You're leaving?

It's only zero-zero.

I'll talk to you in the morning.

Liz Lemon.

That was a low blow
last night, Lemon.

What can I say, Jack?

I guess I'm getting
a second wind here

at the tail end of my "dirty 30s".

This whole week
has been such a bummer.

Hey, when did we add
this Grizzly Adams sketch?

I wrote it last night.


The shirt should be filthier.

If you were a man, you would
have to register yourself

as a sex criminal.

I'm taking Danny back.

Oh, good luck with that.

And remember, if it doesn't
work out, there's always Lutz.

# Forever young #

# I want to be forever young #

Jenna, stop it.


Look, you claim that
you want to be happy.

But that's never going to happen

until you are honest about who you are.

That's easy for you to say.

I've built my career
on a certain image.

And you have no idea what
I go through to maintain it.

The workouts, the lotions,

pretending I wasn't fourth runner-up

at the Miss Teen
Bicentennial Pageant.

Hm, that's...

And you don't understand
the fear I live with.

The fear of people ever seeing the real me.

Yes, I do.

We all have secrets.

You know that I have something
I've been hiding from the world

for 20 years.

What are you talking about?

If you come out as your real age,

I will reveal my friend, Tom.

You would do that for me?

How long would it take?

Well, if I do nothing,
he'll be here within 48 hours.


Good morning, Li...

Oh, my God.

I'd like you all to meet Tom.

Tom Selleck.

He's my moustache.

Thank you, Liz.

It's funny.

All my "a-ha" moments end

with a moustache pressed against me.

There you are!

Your Kenneth and I
were worried sick about you!

I think Doug put
something in my drink,

and I don't remember...

That's not important anymore.

I want to talk to you about
our fight the other night.

Look, having a girl in
your life is different.

You want to protect her.

And the best that you can
hope for is that, someday,

a nice man will come
and take her from you.

That's it.

Hey, Sue.

I need you in the writers' room.

Here he is now.

I knew this day would come.

I just didn't think
it would be so soon.

You take good care of her.

# Forever young #

# I want to be forever young #

# Do you really want to live forever #

# Forever and ever #

# Forever young #

# I want to be forever young #

I don't know if I can go through
this with a real daughter.

Yes, you can.

I know that was hard,

but I bet you wouldn't give up this week

with Ms. LaRoche
Vanderhoot for anything.

No, I wouldn't.

Not for a billion doll hairs.

I'm sorry, did you say, "doll hairs"?

Yeah, they're not worth nothing.

You could probably sell
them to a doll company

and get maybe $40,000 for them.


Danny, I know.

I know Liz is your
secret work girlfriend.

Ah, I wanted to tell you.

But she thought we should be discreet.

I mean, we're just having fun.

I know.

But you need to end it now.

What? Why?

I never told anyone this.

And that's why, if you
ask people about it,

they won't know what
you're talking about.

Because it's a secret.

Not because it's a lie.

Okay, I understand.

Good, now here's my secret.

My secret is...

I'm in love with Liz Lemon.


It's true.

It was love at first sight.

I ache for her sexually.

How could I not?

I'm entranced by those...

mud-colored eyes,
set back in that skin.

And her laugh.

Her walk.

That splay-footed walk.

And that...

whole situation.

Right there.

And Oh...


Good God, Lemon.

Jack, I had no idea.

I mean, the last thing I want to
do is screw up our friendship.

Me and Liz?

I'll end it today.

You'd do that for me?


Yeah, I think I'll be okay.


Oh, Mother.

I can't believe
you're dying of old age.

Don't cry for me, Tartine.

I've had a full life.

Oh, the things I've seen.

The first Clinton administration.

The Nagano Olympics.

Microsoft Windows '95.

But I'm 41 now.

Time to die.

And cut!

So Danny says that he and
I can't hook up anymore.

And I am taking him to the fight
at the Garden tomorrow night.

I guess the best man won.

Uh-huh, well, the
reason that he gave me was

that someone else
here is in love with me.

It was my only move, Lemon.

And it was hard, believe me.

What did you say
you loved about me?

Did you talk about my body?

Did you say how you
like to watch me dance?


You like that?

You're embarrassing yourself, Lemon.

It started out as a joke,
but it's becoming real.

I don't care!

I'm having a good time!

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go, Lutz.

Go to work, Lutz!