30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 4, Episode 9 - Klaus and Greta - full transcript

Hey, Jack!

Did you dye your hair?

No, no.

So how was your New Year's?

Wonderful.

My dear friend, the deep-sea
explorer, Bob Ballard,

brought over a
2,000-year-old amphora of wine

from a sunken Phoenician trading vessel.

The wine turned out to be quite toxic.

My guests and I spent
the stroke of midnight

in my garden vomiting.



Oh, my God, sorry.

Don't be.

The whole night, purging.

The New Year, the vivid
hallucinations of Astarte,

the Phoenician Goddess of Sex and War,

it all wiped the slate clean.

So Nancy Donovan...

What happened before
Christmas was a mistake.

And she hasn't contacted me
since, so clearly, she agrees.

It's over.

That's healthy, a clean break.

Exactly.

A clean break.

Uh, so, what about you, Lemon?



Is your 2010 off to a good start?

Well, I spent New Year's
Eve with my family,

which was actually very special.

My cousin, Randy, this kid from
this rural coal-mining town,

came out to us.

And I think old Liz Lemon had

a little something to do with that.

Randy's gay, everybody.

He's gay.

I think everyone knew.

Hey, Tracy.

Finally.

Over the break, I forgot
what floor I worked on.

Six, Tracy.

Six, I knew it was a
character from Blossom,

but I couldn't find
the "Joey Russo" button.

Hold the door!

You guys, I had the
most amazing New Year's.

I met James Franco's manager.

It was like a fairy tale.

My client, James Franco,

he's actively looking for a
relationship with a human woman

to dispel certain unsavory rumors.

Are you available for a fake
romance with a movie star?

Does chewing on a sponge trick
your brain's hunger center?

Yes, yes!

A million times, yes!

So this is some arranged
Hollywood relationship?

With James Franco.

Can you believe they went to me before

Cancun?

I think it's great.

The exposure will do
wonders for you and T.G. S.

Lemon, I want you and
Jenna to have a meeting

with James Franco and make sure
his manager doesn't screw her.

Too late.

Oh, wait, which way did you mean that?

I had a pretty
amazing New Year's too.

My wife and I are
trying for a daughter.

And on New Year's Eve,
I think I got Angie pregnant.

No, no, no.

Okay, but I was going to
describe it real good.

How was your New Year's, sir?

Perfect.

Oh, my God.

As you know, on New Year's,
I finally met my birth parents.

So thank you...

for asking about that.

I called her, Lemon.

What?

I called Nancy on New
Year's Eve at 3:42 A.M.

Damn it, Phoenician wine.

And you don't remember doing it?

The last thing I remember

is going into a closet
and switching clothes

with Bob Ballard.

Look, I don't think
you actually spoke to her.

You hit "pound" after the number.

I think you left a message.

Cerie, get on her YouFace page.

Lemon, do you mind?

One second.

Okay.

Okay, her YouFace page
says they're on vacation.

They're borrowing a
friend's condo in Florida.

Oh, what have I done?

The woman is on vacation
with her husband as we speak.

Probably having beach sex.

Which is the third best sex
after elevator and White House.

Is there any chance
that she hasn't heard it yet?

As a frequent leaver
of drunken messages,

I can tell you no good can come of this.

As a frequent
receiver of drunk messages

they are not cute.

Even when they're from Liz.

Uh-duh-duh.

Good Lord, I've "Lemoned"
this situation with Nancy.

I've got to erase that message.

"Lemoned"?

That's not a thing people
are saying now, is it?

Cerie?

Pff... "Lemoned".

Doing it awesome.

Here's the general idea, Jenna.

You and I pretend that we met
while filming a movie called

Space Attack.

My title.

This movie will never be released

because my performance will be deemed

too provocative for America.

I wish I lived in France.

But out of this experience,

we found each other,
et cetera, et cetera.

Five dates a week.

One fight a month.

And because of a product
placement deal with Jamba Juice

the fight will be in a Jamba Juice.

I love Jamba Juice!

And this is the Non-Disclosure
Agreement regarding anything

you two may learn
about each other

during the course
of the relationship.

Yeah, what exactly is
Mr. Franco covering up here?

Liz, are you familiar with
Japanese "moe" relationships,

where socially dysfunctional
men develop deep emotional

attachments to body pillows
with women painted on them?

I am not, James.

Neither am I, Liz!

Which is why it's
so weird the tabloids

are running all these stories

saying I'm in love with a body pillow.

I mean, it's crazy.

Then why is that here?

Why?

I mean, why is this table here?

I mean, why is that lamp here?

Kimiko is...

It is here like any other object.

Objects are made by men
and used for many purposes.

But we never love objects.

Where do I sign?

Hello?

Liz, it's Randy.

Randy Lemon.

Oh, hey, Randy, what's up?

Uh, well, my parents and I are
kind of fighting right now.

Because you spilled
orange soda on the couch?

No, because of the gay thing.

So, um, now, I'm here in New York.

Wait, you're in New York?

Yeah, I figured I'd come
stay with my cool cousin Liz.

Besides, what better place for
me to be now that I'm a homo?

Is that the one we call ourselves?

No, get a cab.

Okay, go to my apartment.

168 Riverside Drive.

Uh, okay.

Uh, actually, there's a guy
here who offered to drive me

if I help him move a couch into a van.

Nope, that's a serial killer.

Just get a cab, I'll pay for it.

You have Amish here?

Just get
in the house, Randy.

Kenneth.

Jonathan.

I need one of you to help me
with a very special assignment.

I hope it's me.

But I'm honored just to
be standing here with you.

I'm going to drive up
to Waltham, Massachusetts,

break into a woman's home, and
erase a potentially embarrassing

and destructive
answering machine message.

The home in question has a doggie door.

That will be our way in.

Using these hangers...

prove that you are lithe enough
to accompany me to Waltham.

It's Kenneth!

You sicken me.

I did it!

Angie just called, she's pregnant.

That's awesome.
Congratulations.

Yes, and it gets better.

I just had a burrito.

Well, now, you just have
to hope that it's a girl.

I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon.

Because I yelled, "Susan B. Anthony"

at the moment of conception.

Well, that'll do it.

We're going to name her after

the place that she was conceived.

It was a pretty wild night.

So we're going to name her
either Virginia, NetJet,

or Bathroom at Teterboro Airport.

Virginia is nice.

Oh, Liz.

I'm in love!

You're really not.

James and I just had
lunch at the Spotted Pig.

The paparazzi were everywhere.

The gossip blogs are calling us "James".

It's a combination
of "Jenna" and "James".

Jenna, look, I'm glad
that you're having fun,

but is this really
all that you want?

I mean, you and I are
not getting any younger.

You don't know that thing
I sleep in isn't working.

Don't you want more
than some fake boyfriend?

Don't you want to be happy?

Oh, Liz, I am happy.

All this attention,
getting my picture taken,

having ice-cold diarrhea from
drinking too much Jamba Juice.

It's everything I ever wanted.

Sorry, sir.

That happens sometimes
when I unhinge my pelvis.

Oh, I was afraid of this.

There's not an answering machine.

It's a voicemail.

Okay, well, we just need to
look for clues to her password.

It will be like The Da Vinci Code.

Albino monk!

That's a mirror, Kenneth.

She must have written
it down somewhere.

Try on the computer.

Okay.

Search.

Oops, I just took my picture
with that little camera thingy.

Kenneth!

All right, I just need
to erase that picture.

Whoops, I just made
it the desktop image.

How did I do that?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Nancy's husband has been
sleeping on the couch.

"Emailing image to address book"?

What is wrong with me?

Hey, Liz.

Oh, thank God.

Randall Lemon, where were you?

I'm sorry.

I met these two guys, and
they just dropped me off.

Well, I'm glad they
brought you home, but...

That's where I'm meeting them later!

A bar called Home Butt.

Nope, you're not.

You came to New York
to see your cool cousin.

Not run around with
strange gentlemen.

Jeez, you don't have to
be so protective of me.

This is New York City, Randy.

Liz, do you know how hard it was

growing up gay in
Methenburg, Pennsylvania?

The local T.V. station edited
Will and Grace down so much

that it was just called Karen.

Being in New York,
this is the first time

I've ever felt like myself.

And I want to go out and enjoy it.

Have fun.

Oh, we're going to have fun.

We're going to stay
here and make nachos

and see who can fall asleep the earliest!

Fun, fun, fun, fun!

This is nice.

Your hand feels like a pillow
that's been in the microwave.

Thanks.

Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait.

Oh, It's okay.

You can stop.

I was wrong.

What?

I thought there was a paparazzo,

but it's just some loser
taking a picture of his kid.

Oh, right.

Of course.

That was fake.

Did you know "paparazzo" is
the singular of "paparazzi"?

Kimiko taught me that.

I'll see you at dawn
so you can get caught

coming out of my apartment.

I'll loan you a shirt.

Try to look like you just got drilled.

You know the deal.

Sir, this computer is not
helping with our search.

If you type "Nancy's
Secrets" into the internet,

do you have any idea what comes up?

A store that sells wig extensions.

I've seen all
this before, Kenneth.

The separate beds, the empty
closets, the brave, public face.

This is just another
Irish Catholic couple

who won't admit to the world
that their marriage is over.

Sir, you don't know that.

They're on vacation together right now.

Are they?

Nancy Donovan.

Still so organized.

In German class,
Mr. Kruger always chose her

to sort the students.

He was eventually arrested
by Israeli commandos.

Mm.

Look.

On the 30th, she took
Flight 1470 to R.S.W.

He left the next day for C.V.G.

They have to be different cities.

Uh, Fort Myers and Cincinnati.

Did you not learn your nation's
airport codes in high school?

She's at the beach house alone.

That's the most divorced
sentence I've ever heard.

Mr. Donaghy, this
snooping has to stop.

We came here to erase...

Oh!

I just took a picture of both of us.

Good morning.

Is that glitter?

Oh, my God.

Did you go out last night after
I won the sleeping contest?

I forgot to wash my face, didn't I?

I meant to do it at the club.

But when I got into the bathroom,

everything started up again.

Okay, that's it.

I am taking you to the Port Authority.

To get on a bus home.

Not to meet people.

God.

Look, you've had your fun.

You've seen New York.

You've made some really neat friends.

But maybe that's enough
for a first step, okay?

Yeah, okay.

You're right.

But I'm not going home until I
give my cool cousin a makeover.

Is it going to be fierce?

It would be if it was 2006.

Well, I do have this one cardigan

that I've been kind
of afraid to wear.

Well, let's see it, girl.

It has funny buttons,
and ugh... the draft is...

I'm not going
back to Methenburg!

Randy Lemon, you
open this door right now!

Okay, I do appreciate
the irony that I'm the one

stuck in the closet now.

Is that irony?

Not really!

The sun is
up, and we are still

in these people's home.

God can see us now.

We have to find that voicemail code.

It's on the dry-erase
board above the phone.

What?

I saw it
there a few hours ago.

But I wasn't done
looking around.

I'm ready to hear the message now.

Sir, I don't mean to swear,
but I am irritated right now.

5-5-2-8-7.

Thursday, December 30th.

Thursday, December...

Friday, January 1st.

3:42 A.M.

Meine liebe, Gretta.

It's Klaus.

Remember Mr. Kruger's German class?

I took it to be with you.

Sat behind you so
I could talk to you

and try to see the
top of your underwear.

You were Gretta.

And I was Klaus.

Jack, are you coming in?

I'm on the phone!

Get back in the hot tub!

Ballard, don't let them
put their tops back on!

I'm, going to say goodnight
with help from the poet, Rilke.

Because only German can
capture what seeing you again

has made me feel.

"Aus unendlichen
Sehns, chten steigen endliche

Taten wie schwache Fontnen."

Auf wiedersehen, Gretta.

To erase, press seven.

To save, press nine.

For more options, press four.

Sir, what are you doing?

Erase it.

I don't know.

I thought I wanted a clean break.

But if that message
is how I really feel,

maybe she was supposed to hear it?

Her marriage is falling apart.

We meet again after all these years.

Message deleted.

Next message.

Mr. Donaghy...

Whatever's happening here, it
is not your place to interfere.

If Mrs. Dougherty wanted you in
her life, she would have called,

given you some sign.

But she hasn't.

Let it go, sir.

You're right, Kenneth.

But you are leaving
through the doggie door.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Liz.

We're playing the
Today show drinking game.

You do a shot every time
they give a dumb travel tip.

I like
to take the shampoo

and put it in the little
travel-sized bottles.

Then I take the original bottle
and put it back in the shower.

For later.

Yeah!

Thank you for coming.

Liz, relationship emergency.

Why are you wearing a
man's shirt and no pants?

Last night, James kissed me.

And for a second,
I forgot it was fake.

And it was incredible.

Now having lunch with James and
the actress who plays my mom

somehow seems hollow.

What's wrong with me?

Jenna, what you're feeling is good.

This thing with James
is fun and exciting,

but it isn't real.

Deep down, I think you want to
be with someone you really love.

And who can love you back.

More friends
on the plaza this morning.

Hi, guys, are you celebrating?

We're in love!

Trent's quitting the Navy

and we're going to get
married in Massachusetts!

Wow, congratulations.

Oh, boy.

If you want to save
money on the trip,

consider taking a sandwich.

Give them a hand.

Hey, baby.

You new here?

Yeah, this is my first show.

Uh-huh.

And before you worked here,

were you an ass scientist?

Because your ass...

blah-blah-blah.

You get the point.

So what's your name?

Virginia.

Virginia?

But that's going to
be my daughter's name.

Are you also someone's daughter?

Uh, yeah.

Is every woman someone's daughter?

Of course.

Uh-oh!

No way.

I was wrong, sir!

There is a sign!

She's been thinking
about you for years!

Why can't you be
more like Kenneth?

Go on.

Her code.

5-5-2-8-7.

Do you know what it means?

Well, it's not a date.

The first numbers are too high.

It's not the numbers, sir.

It's the letters.

They spell "Klaus".

Your name in German class.

The class you were in with Nancy.

In high school.

Back in Massachu...

I get it, Kenneth.

I'm just trying to
figure out my next move.

I have to play it cool.

You should buy a leather jacket!

Get Cerie in here.

Not you.

Pack your stuff.

You know, I don't think this
is about you protecting me.

I think you have a problem
with people enjoying themselves.

Why did you even
leave White Haven, Liz?

When was the last time
you watched the sun rise?

Sometimes, at work.

Or kissed a boy you just met?

Gross.

Or went dancing?

I'm not going home until I make
you appreciate living here.

Tonight, we are going to
do that makeover for real.

And then, I'm taking you out.

Yeah, okay, fine.

I mean, who am I to tell
Jenna that she doesn't

know how to be happy when I
can't even figure out my own...

Stop.

So bored.

Did I do that right?

Yeah, that was super bitchy.

You can't just break up with me.

I'll sue you for breach of contract.

Oh, you, you're being such
a non-pillow right now!

But don't you understand?

I just want something
real in my life for once.

I want what you have with Kimiko.

Kimiko-tan.

What am I doing, Jenna?

Pretending to be
something I'm not.

Making myself
miserable when I've got

happiness waiting for me at home.

Unless Kimiko's
jealous of the ottoman.

There's nothing going on there.

That's a business relationship.

Don't "Lemon" your life, James.

Be happy.

I'm the actor, James Franco, damn it.

And I'm in love with
and common-law married to

a Japanese body pillow.

And I hope you had
a good New Years's.

Uh, let me know the next time
you and Mark are in New York

and we'll all grab dinner.

Auf wiedersehen.

Liz.

James.

Wow, you look great!

Is Jenna here?

No, Jenna and I broke up, actually.

We both decided it
was time to be happy.

Me too!

I'm saying yes to life!

Okay.

Let's do this.

Hey, you got home late.

Yeah, I, um...

Randy, this is James Franco.

And our friend, Kimiko-tan.

Hey, Randy.

I'm going to go to
the bus station now.

I think that's for the best.

I blame you three for my

unhealthy attitude towards women!

You have created an atmosphere
of hostility and intolerance

that everyone talks about all the time!

Grizz, when was the last time

you told your fiancee you love her?

Since the phone call
I interrupted to make

this announcement!

Kenneth, your haircut
is disrespectful to lesbians.

Dotcom, do you ever
read books by women?

But George Eliot was a woman.

Enough!

I've made a decision.

And starting next week, I'm
adding a woman to the entourage!

Really?