30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Jack the Writer - full transcript

Jack joins the writing staff during a meeting as an observer. He joins the group day after day and gets more and more involved in their work. The group gets annoyed by his weird, not so ...

All right, we have a lot
to get through today, you guys.

Anybody have anything
on page one?

I think we need to change
this Donald Trump joke...

...because Donald Trump
was eaten by a lion this morning

on the International
Space Station.

Anyone listening?

Yeah, okay.

Cerie, how about, instead
of doing the scripts,

why don't you just organize
those videotapes?

Oh, okay.


Okay, actually,

could you go downstairs
and get me a chai tea?

Okay, um...

where are my shoes?

No, no, just go.
Just go barefoot.

Just leave your shoes.

We got to change
this Trump joke.

Josh to the set,
please, for "Sniper"...

Mr. Jordan?
What's up, Ken?

I got your car washed
like you asked,

and I got that
"Baby On Board" sign you wanted

to help you get tail.

Thanks, Ken.
You done good.

It's my pleasure
and my job, sir.

Anything you ever need,
just ask.

But I want you
to know something.

You and me...

It's not gonna be
a one-way street.

'Cause I don't believe
in one-way streets...

not between people
and not while I'm driving.

Oh, okay.

So here's some advice
I wish I would have got

when I was your age.

Live every week
like it's "Shark Week."

That's Stan there.
Happy birthday, Stan.

All right,
we're halfway done.

Let's take a little break.

You guys want to have
a one-minute dance party?

Good idea.

Crank it, Toofer.

ß Grown and sexy ß

ß From your head
down to your toes ß

ß You know you're fine ß

ß Got that perfect face ß

ß A perfect shape
and perfect smile... ß

Yeah, shake it.
Feel the music.

Oh, Mr. Donaghy.

ß... turned around... ß

No, please, uh,
finish your dance.

Oh, we were just taking
a little break,

and we all love the music
of Chamillionaire.

I see.

If you don't mind, I'll just
observe from... over here.

You will? Why?

Are you familiar
with Six Sigma?

Oh, yeah. It's a special kind
of G. I. Joe.

It's Frank, right?

Y-yes, sir.


Frank, Six Sigma is the elite
G. E. Executive Training Course.

To master
just its basic concepts,

one must brave a five-day
conference at a Sheraton.

Six Sigma says that
a manager must understand

every aspect of the business
he or she oversees.

Which means...

I'll be in here every day,
soaking it up.

So, please, return to work
and act like I'm not here.


Let's get into Toofer's
commercial parody.

We were trying to think
of a funnier cereal name.

The favorite options
so far include

Honey Bunches of Sadness,
Oat Bung, and Swastikos.

Uh, Froot Lupus.



Fart Nuggets.


That's really great.

Okay, let's just think
for another minute.

Um, Frosted Mini-Guns.


Lucky Bastards.

If you don't mind,

I think we all really laughed
at Fart Nuggets,

so could we just
move on, please?

Every day, huh?

You guys want coffee?

Oh, yeah.

So, I was doing some research
on comedy,

and I came across
the cartoon strip "Dilbert."

It's quite good.

And I was wondering
if we could do that.

Do what?


You guys want coffee?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.
You can't say that.

Jeb Bush
is a friend of mine.

Who should I
change it to?

Sean Penn.

No, Barbra Streisand.

He guns it.
Girl falls into the water.

You guys want coffee?

So he circled back,
looking for her.

it's pitch-black out.

The boat hits something...

and you hear kind of,

And Brokaw says, "Just go.
Don't look back."

Now, I'm not a writer,

but maybe there's a skit
in that.


What's up?
Good morning.

So, is Donaghy gonna be
in the room again today?

Ugh, probably, yeah.

Well, you have to say
something to him.

You guys are not getting
any work done.


You don't think his idea of
starting with the catchphrases

and working backwards
is panning out?

Nuts to you, McGillicuddy.

Who ordered the wieners?

Beep, beep, ribby, ribby!

Actually, Frank wrote a draft
of "Beep, beep, ribby, ribby."

Look, you have to say
something to Jack soon,

or your writers
are gonna revolt.

What do you all not understand?
He's our boss.

Me trying to tell Jack
what to do

would be like you
trying to boss around...

which one of your kids is it
that you're afraid of?

Kyle. Kyle.

So strong.

Oh, come on.

That was a jacket.

That's it. I got to talk to her
about her clothes.

She can't dress like that.

Yes, she can.
People like the way she dresses.

Oh, come on. It's distracting.
It's inappropriate.

You're inappropriate, you jerk,
with your big, stupid face!

Come on.

No, Liz.
Listen, listen, listen.

Look at me.

Look how bald I am.
Look at my life.

Please, just give me
this one thing.

Pete, no! Come on!
I'm talking to her.

Talk to yourself!

K, my boy!
What's the frequency, Ken?

I need you to grab me
some lunch.

What can I get for you?

I want nachos.

Yes, sir.

From Yankee Stadium.

Yes, sir!

Jenna to the set, please,
for "United Nations Bloopers."

Oh, hey, Cerie.

I kind of need to talk to you
about something.

Do you have a second?



This is gonna sound
really weird, but, um...

you need to wear a bra.

Oh, no, I...
I don't, actually.

They kind of just
stay up on their own.


Yeah, okay.

What I'm saying is,
you need to wear a bra to work

if you want to be taken
seriously in this business.

Oh, but I don't actually
want to work in television.

I'm just gonna marry rich

and then design handbags.

Here's the thing.

The way that you dress

is making some people
around the office uncomfortable.

Really? Who?

Not me.

I guess it's mostly me
that has the problem with it.

Oh, because you have, like,
one of those body-image things?

No, it's not that.

Good, because I was gonna say,
you still have a good body.

Well, thank you,
but this isn't about me.

Like, how'd you dress
before you were married?

I'm not married, Cerie.

Oh, for some reason I thought
you had, like, three kids.

Nope. Never married.
No kids.

'Cause sometimes
you have, like,

food stains on your shirt
and stuff.

I just assumed
that it was kids.

You know what?

Forget I mentioned it.
You look great.

Is it my birthday?

You have to get Donaghy
out of the room.

Boy, we, as a group,
might not smell great.

Come on,
he's stifling us.

I feel like I just can't
be myself around him.

Yeah, Tracy's downstairs
right now

rehearsing the best thing
we've written all week.

Beep, beep, ribby, ribby.

All right.

All right,
I'll take care of it.

Thanks, Liz.

Hey, Mr. Donaghy.

Sorry I'm late.

I was at a luncheon
for Ann Coulter's 60th birthday.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, it's been really great
having you in the room

these last few days...

Oh, it's been
great for me, too,

being around
all this creativity.

I'll tell you,
in the beginning,

I thought it was gonna be
a bit of a chore, honestly,

but now...
oh, I have an idea for you.

Uh, Monkey Senate.
We open on the Capitol...

You can't be in here

What's that?

It's not working.

You're driving
everybody crazy,

and, okay,
you can just fire me now,

and I will go back to teaching
improv to senior citizens.

Why would I want to fire you?
This is fine.

Six Sigma values direct
and honest communication

between coworkers,
so, uh...

Thank you, Liz.

Oh, sure.

I'll just
head upstairs now.

Okay, well, thank you
for being so understanding.


Oh, no!

I will not let you down, sir.


Go get help, girl.

Hey, Jonathan.

I left a bunch of messages for
Jack, but I haven't heard back.

Do you know
if he got them?

Mr. Donaghy's
been very busy.

Oh, well, I just... I really
need him to approve this budget.

Well, I'm sorry.

He's out of the country
till the end of the week.

You want to know
another key to success?

I do, Mr. Jordan.

Dress every day like you gonna
get murdered in those clothes.

You did real good the other day
with those nachos,

but I need you to do something
of a different nature.

Okay, would you agree
when I say

that a man's freedom
only exists

when he's free to pursue
his desires?

Yes, I suppose I would.

Which means when the law
conflicts with our desires,

then we must operate
outside the law.

You following me?

we would no longer be free.

Now, I got a mission
for you.

Hey, Liz.

I took your advice.
I'm wearing a bra.

That's great, Cerie.

Liz, can I speak to you
for a second?


What's going on?

Mr. Donaghy is very upset

that you banned him
from the writers' room.

He wants you
to apologize.


But when you apologize, you have
to act like it was your idea.

He can't know
that I told you.

But he sent you here
to tell me to apologize.


I penciled you in for 3:00.

This conversation
never happened.

Jenna, set yourself, please,

for "Who Wants to Eat
a Dictionary?"

Where's Kenneth?

Who is it?

It's Kenneth from
the NBC page program.

I'm here for a pickup
from Kyang Dang.

Hello, gentlemen.

Oh, thank goodness,

Ooh, what does
that tattoo mean?

When I get nervous,
I ask a lot of questions.

Do y'all have a bathroom
I could use?

Y'all have long fingernails.

Now, do y'all rent this space,
or do you own it?

That's a funny-looking fish.

What is that...
like, a grapefruit knife?

Do you have a cellphone?
What's your plan?

This apology thing is...

Oh, even when
it's something normal,

I hate going up
to Jack's office.

I always feel like
I'm entering the Death Star.

I expect to see

I'm telling you, if Donaghy
does this at me, I will run.

You'll be fine...
Captain Needa.

No, Captain Needa dies.

He dies!

ß There's no business
like show business ß

ß Like no business I know ß

ß Everything about it
is appealing ß

ß Everything the traffic
will allow ß

ß Nowhere can you get
that special feeling ß

ß Than when you're stealing
that extra bow ß

What can I do for you?

I'm on a helicopter
in 15 minutes.

Uh... well, sir,

I just wanted to say, um,

I'm sorry if I hurt your
feelings the other day

when I asked you to stay out
of the writers' room.

That's absurd.
Completely unnecessary.

I haven't given it
a second thought.

Okay, good, 'cause, you know,
the writers,

they see you as management.

Please, it's
water under the bridge.

Stop worrying and just
go on back to work.


Of course, I can understand

how you might think
my feelings were hurt.

No one wants to hear
that people don't like you.

What? No, that...

No, that's not at all
what I was saying before.

I never said that people
don't like you.

That's not true.

So people do like me?

Yes, people like you.

Do you like me?

Of course.

I like you, Jack.

You know
what I like about you?

Your eyes.

You have those...

shark's eyes, you know?

Very intense.

Thank you.


You done good, kid.

That thing
ever goes missing

and gets into
the public water system,

we don't know each other.

Got it.

I got one little errand
for you to run.

Tomorrow's my anniversary,
and I almost forgot about it.

But what did I tell you
was the secret

to having a good marriage and
keeping it together, Kenneth?

Be a good listener,
a giver of gifts,

and work that vajayjay.

That's my boy.

That's why I want you
to go see my jeweler.

Good morning, Liz.

Oh, hi, Mr. Donaghy.
How are you?

Fine, thank you.

I remember you mentioning
what a big fan you are

of the rapper

Oh, 'cause I was dancing
with Frank?

Oh, yes, yeah.
I love Chamillionaire.

Well, it just so happens

that he's performing
this weekend at Webster Hall,

and I got some V. I. P. tickets
and backstage passes.

You could take the writers
or a friend, whatever.

Enjoy yourself.
You deserve it.

Wow, thank you.

that's very thoughtful.

I think that coworkers

should have
good personal relationships.

I know we've had
some missteps,

but we've put
all that behind us,

and I'd like us to be...


Yeah, absolutely, yes.
So do I.

Wow, I just can't believe
Chamillionaire tickets

were still available.

Ha, well...

See you.

Josh to the stage, please,
for "Homophobic Gays."

What was that about?

Just talking to my bud
Jack Donaghy.

Bud? Really?

Yes, he said he wants us
to be friends,

he gave me
Chamillionaire tickets,

and he even did this
to me.

Wow, well, look,
having Jack on your side

can only make life easier.

It's good for everybody
if he wants to be friends.

I know,
but it's so weird.

It's like that scene
where you see

the back of Darth Vader's
head with his helmet off,

and you're like, "
He's a human being."

I got to get
some new DVDs.

Did we just
go in a circle?

I was following you.

I was following you.

No, I'm going
to wardrobe.

Okay, good walk and talk.

Lee, can I check costumes
for the cold open?

That looks fierce.

Hey, Liz.

Cerie, seriously.
Take that off.

And, you, stop encouraging her.
You're an enabler.

You need to dress
like you have a job

and parents who raised you

in some kind of shame-based
American religious tradition.


I can make this hot.

Now I get to pick out
what I think you'd look good in.

Oh, I'm not really
a fashion person.

You're wearing this.

Come on, no.

I'm serious... this color
would be amazing on you,

and you're a size 4,

Well, aren't you sweet?

ß Who's that lady? ß

ß Who's that lady? ß

ß Beautiful lady ß

ß Who's that lady? ß

ß Lovely lady ß

ß Who's that lady? ß

ß Real fine lady ß

ß Who's that lady? ß

ß Hear me calling out to you ß

ß 'Cause that's all
that I can do ß

Hey, guys. What's up?


Oh, my God!


What are you wearing?!

You're making me gay.

It's a joke, obviously.

I'm wearing this as a joke.

A bunch of comedy writers
don't know a joke, jeez.

I just threw up
in my mouth.

I said it's a joke!

ß Grown and sexy ß

ß From your head
down to your toes... ß

Work your "thang."

ß... a perfect face ß

ß A perfect shape
and perfect smile... ß

I think I'm having
a heart attack.

Right here. Thank you.

Oh, pizza.

There you go.

Thank you, sir.

Can we eat this
out on the roof gardens?

I don't even know
how to get out there.

I don't think people
are allowed out there.

No, I see "Today Show" people
eating out there all the time.

Even Ann Curry?

I'll show you the studio
in just a minute,

but, first, this is where
my writers write.

ß And that's when you said,
"Fo' sho"' ß

ß So, I didn't care... ß

Don't mind the odor.

But, seriously,
since Tracy's arrival,

the show is up in the key demos,
we're driving male viewership,

and we're effectively
synergizing backward overflow.

Please, Liz.
Let us eat outside.

You know what?
I'll ask Jack.

He'll let us
eat out there, right?

He and I have
an important friendship.

Hey, they didn't bring
any sodas.

I'll call Kenneth.

where is Kenneth?

Happy Anniversary,
Mrs. Jordan.

Excuse me, do y'all just have
noodles with butter?

that position...
Hey, Jack!

Sorry to interrupt.

Hey, can we
eat our pizza outside?

'Cause those wangs
from the "Today Show"

eat on the roof garden
all the time, you know?

And I thought since me and you
are best buds... boink...

maybe you could do me a solid

and slip me the key
to that thing.

This guy's the best.

He got me kick-ass
Chamillionaire tickets.

You guys like

Anyway, Jack rocks.

This guy... A-plus.

Excuse me for a moment.

I'm sorry for what's about
to happen right now.

Just know
that I don't mean it.

Don't mean what?

What group home
did you escape from

that you would dare talk to me
like some plumber's wife

in front of Ron Gordon
and Bob Overmyer?

I don't even know
who those guys are.

Oh, really?

Your ignorance was obvious
when you waddled up to me

with your thin-lipped mouth
full of greasy peasant food

and addressed me
by my Christian name

in front of the gentlemen
from Fairfield.

That's Fairfield, Connecticut,
Lemon... G. E. Headquarters.

But how would you
know that

with your nigh 40 years
of public education

and daytime-television

If you ever pull a bush-league
stunt like that again,

I'm gonna have you

writing promos for
Arena football so fast,

it'll make your inexplicably
small head spin.

Oh, snap.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I thought you said
we were friends.

I said we were friendly.

Well, I don't like you

I don't believe you.

Go easy on the pizza.