30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Jack-Tor - full transcript

Jack wants to integrate product placement in "TGS", but this idea is not very welcomed by the staff. Liz suspects that Tracy is not able to read since he never says what's on the cue-card ...

Tracy Jordan
to the stage, please.

Tracy to the stage.

Hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going?

They're paging you
for rehearsal.

We just did a show last week.

I just came to pick up
a paycheck.

No, we do a show
every Friday, Tracy.

It's not gonna work.

Next Friday is Damon Dash's
birthday party,

and the Friday after that is
an orgy over at Elizabeth...

Yeah, well, you're part
of a team now, okay,

so you have to be in the shows
and you have to rehearse.

And when you rehearse,
Jenna would really like it...

I would like it, too...

if you would read exactly
what's on the cue cards.

It's making everybody crazy.

Can't do it.
I'm an improviser.

My acting style is like jazz...
jazz that you laugh at.

Just try, okay?

I have a meeting upstairs.
I'll be right back.

Pete, do you remember that song
I recorded last year

when I was dating that
Persian record producer?

Oh... no.

It's a dance-pop-techno hybrid
called "Muffin Top."

I gave everybody copies
at Christmas.

Oh, yeah, right.
I don't remember that.

Well, apparently, it's
a number-one hit in Israel.

Hey, Israel.

I noticed we had
a couple minutes left,

so I thought
I could do it on the show.

Okay, you can do
the short version.

You should know that "Muffin
Top" is number four in Belgium.

I said you could do it.
Why not?

I mean thank you.


For over 100 years,

G. E. has been imagining
the future today.

And I'm here to talk
to you today

about a wonderful new synergy.

It's called
product integration.

It's revolutionizing
the way

we monetize
broadcast television.

How does it work?

All you have to do

as the writing staff
of an NBC show

is incorporate
positive mentions,

or "pos-mens," of G.E. products
into your program.

For example,
you could write an episode

where one of your characters

and is satisfied with...

one of G.E. 's direct-current
drilling motors

for an offshore
or land-based project.

Product integration...

setting a new standard

in upward
revenue-stream dynamics...

for all of us.

Now, I'd be happy to answer
any questions.

I'm sorry.

You're saying you want us
to use the show to sell stuff?

I-I know how this sounds.

No, come on, Jack.
We're not doing that.

We're not compromising the
integrity of the show to sell...

this is Diet Snapple?

I know. It tastes just like
regular Snapple, doesn't it?

You should try Plum-A-Granate.
It's amazing.

I only date guys
who drink Snapple.

Look, we all love Snapple.

Lord knows I do,
but focus here.

We're talking
about product integration.

We're not your shills.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
That's right.

They're artists,
like James Joyce or Strindberg.

Get real, kids.

You write skits
mocking our presidents

to fill time
between car commercials.

That's not fair.

Josh gets a lot of fan mail
for "Gaybraham Lincoln."

"Four score
and seven beers ago..."

Did you guys know
that Holland

is the only country
with a national dog?

I didn't know that.
Thank you, Snapple.
There's little facts

That's a lunch break, everyone.

Back in an hour, please.

Um, did you talk to Tracy
about reading the cue cards?

I tried.

Well, he's not reading them.
He never reads them, Liz.

I'm starting to think...

he can't read.

Oh, that...
That's just offensive, Jenna.

I don't know.

Have you ever seen him
read anything?

Of course,
like when we shoot promos.

Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan.

I'm black, NBC...
very proud, like peacocks.

Right, Janet?


Hey, Tracy.
I missed that last run-through.

Could you run it once
off cards for me?

Nah, Lemon.
I'll do that later.

I got to bounce.

Okay, that's a...

It says
"emergency exit only."

He couldn't read that?

Man, Jenna's
really gotten squirrelly

since Tracy came along.

It's so sad.

What's really sad is that, while
she's in this fragile state,

none of her friends
are messing with her head.

I think we should do something
about that.


Okay, all right...

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Oh, uh... nothing.

Is it about me?

Okay, um, there's a rumor
going around

that Donaghy has to cut costs
around here.


Yeah, my friend in accounting,
Lando Calrissian,

he says Jack's probably
gonna have to fire an actor.

Oh, thank you guys
for telling me.

It's like shooting fish
in a barrel.

Yeah, if the fish
have Daddy issues.

I can't believe you guys
actually wrote

a product-integration

Jack said we had to.

It just seems weird.

The show's
not a commercial.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where
human resources is, please?

That way.

This is gonna sound crazy,
but, um...

Tracy can read, right?

Are you serious?
The guy's done dozens of movies.

Yeah, but it's not like
his movies seem

like he's reading a script.

Let's go rescue Karen...
or whatever.

Is it Sheryl?

Then she can tell us
where the drugs are...

I mean gold.

Then we got the car chase.

I'm getting way too old
for this.

Was I supposed
to say that then?

That's true. And he never reads
the cue cards.

God, I thought all that stuff
was just crazy Tracy,

seeing what he could
get away with.

I know, but, you know,
it's not surprising.

Look at the educational system
in this country.

We spend all this money
in Iraq,

but meanwhile,
our inner-city graduation rates

are lower than they are
in the Sudan.

That doesn't sound right.

Maybe it was Sweden.

Maybe it was teen pregnancy.

I got to read more.

What can I do for you?

So, we wrote
a product-integration sketch.


But we wanted to run it
by you first

because it's about how G. E.
is making us do this,

and we were kind of hoping

that the G. E. executive
in the sketch

could be played by you.

Oh, I get it...

the whole
self-referential thing.

Letterman hates the suits,
Stern yells at his boss,

Nixon's "sock it to me"
on "Laugh-ln."

Yeah, hippie humor.

That's what I'm going for.

As you know,
I've been studying comedy

and learning what's funny.

I'm watching "Friends"
right now.

What happens
with Ross and Rachel?

No, no, don't tell me...

What were you saying?

So, will you do it?

I don't know, Lemon.
I'm not an actor.

This is... your world.

Oh, come on.
You can do this.

You were great
in that video.

This is live television.

I've never done anything
like that before.

Okay, I'll do it.

Great, great.
Thanks, Jack.

So, rehearsal will be
tomorrow at 2:00.

Please don't be late.

I will fax you
any changes by 9:00 a. m.

You're such a Monica.

You are.

He never reads anything.

Uh, why is Jack Donaghy
on the cast list?

He's gonna do this G. E. sketch.

It's really funny.

So he gets
to be in sketches,

but he's gonna fire
one of the real actors.

I got inside information

that Jack is gonna fire
one of the actors to cut costs.

I haven't heard anything
like that. Don't worry about it.

Oh, I'm not worried

because I have something
the other actors don't...

a secret weapon.

Don't say your sexuality.

My sexuality.

Oh, God, Jenna,
when has that ever worked?

Uh, when has it
not worked?

lt'll be
a 45-minute wait.

Oh, will it?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it will.

Yeah, but this
is different

because I know
Jack Donaghy.

I know what he likes.

Yeah, so now
you just have to make yourself

10 years younger and Asian.

I don't know
what to tell you.

They're making me rehearse.

I know Pat Benatar
rarely performs live.

Scalp the damn tickets!

These are the changes
for the sketches you're in.

I'll read those later, Lemon.


can you read?

Can I read?

Please don't get angry.

It's not your fault.
It's the system.

Did you ever see "Hoop Dreams"?
It's like that.

So you're asking me
if I'm illiterate?!

You don't even have to answer me
if you don't want to.

Just know that if you need a
tutor, we will get you a tutor.

If you need to be
in fewer sketches

until you get more confident,
we'll accommodate you...

whatever you need.

So I could, like,
leave work early

if I need a tutor?

We'll work around your schedule.

I can't read, Liz Lemon!

My shameful secret is out.

Now you know

why I'm always running
into the ladies' bathroom.

I can't read!

I sign my name with an "X"!

I once tried to make
mashed potatoes

with laundry detergent!

I think I voted for Nader!


I feel as though
a great weight

has been lifted off
of me, Liz Lemon.

Today is the first day
of the rest of my life...

all thanks to one very,
very special white lady.

I'll be in late tomorrow.

Damn, George Will just gets
more and more conservative.


Did you tell Jack
he can be on the show?

Yeah, he was kind of excited
about it, actually.

Oh, yeah,
he's very excited.

But you cannot put him
on live TV.



I am only showing you this

because I care about him
so much.

G.E. promo, take one.

MAN #2: Action!

Did you say "action"?
Yes, action.

Could you say it louder,
I'm sorry. Action!

G.E. promo, take two.


For over 100 years...

Line? Sorry. My bad.

What's the first line?

Product integration.


Right, got it.
I just need the first word.


What's the second word?

Okay, I knew that.

Okay, if I ask for the line
again, don't tell me.



"Product integration."

I told you, don't give me the
line when I ask for the line.

l- I got it, I got it.

Can we get a do-over there?

Let's go again.
Can we?


What is it?

I don't like this at all.
Okay, I got it.

Let's go again.

The pen doesn't really write.
Does that matter?

And I'm here today...

My bad.
I'm sorry.

Why don't we go to lunch, and
we'll come back and maybe...

Let's all go have lunch.

G.E. promo 126.

It's weird.
What do I do with my arms?

I've never thought
about that before.

Is it this...

or, if I may...


Maybe I should
just hold something.

Okay, yeah.
This feels more natural.

Is that right? Yeah?

"New synergy..."

Does that sound odd
to anyone else?

Does that sound like
"news energy?"

"And is satisfied..."

Oh, ouch, ouch.
Are you all right?

Could I get a little, uh...

I'm here to talk
to you television

about the monetizing
of today broadcast.

Was any of that usable?

G.E. promo 129.

It's called
racial integration.

No, that's not right, is it?

It's called product intergor...

...the way we monetize
broadcast television.

How does it work?


Could we turn off the phones,

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That's me.

Let me turn this thing off.

I think I just took a picture.

I'm sorry, everybody,
there's a pigeon.


...purchases, and is
satisfied with... Oh.


...in upward
revenue-stream dynamics...

for all of us.

That's a wrap.

That was fun, you guys.

It didn't feel
like five days, did it?

Uh, no...

Everybody have
a good weekend.

And we'll be right back.

Jenna to the stage, please.

Jenna to the stage
for "Muffin Top."

Hey, Liz?

Liz, um,

I'm a little bit nervous
about this rehearsal.

Oh, I'm... I'm glad
you brought that up.

You don't have to do this.
I know how busy you are.

Oh, no, no,
I have to do it.

It's a new challenge,
and I like challenges.

I've summited Kilimanjaro.

I've showered
with Greta Van Susteren.

I'm gonna do this, yeah.

The time, sir.
Oh, that's right.

Do you mind? We'll do it
around the corner, okay?

I'll be with you
in a minute.

I have a conference
with my corporate division head.

Oh, yeah, you guys
gonna correlate

earnings-report dynamics?



Did I just hear Jack?

Oh, no, please.

I know for a fact he is talking
to his boss right now.


Don't bother him.



Of course, sir.
I'll look into it right away.

Actions speak louder
than words.

Take care of it.

Don't worry,
I'll have it on your desk

first thing in the morning.

Look, I am tired
of your promises.

I want this thing fixed.

I'm... I'm on it, sir.

So, you're
Jack's boss, huh?

Oh, well, yeah, that...
that's what they tell me.

I'm Jenna, by the way.

Oh, I, uh,
I-I know who you are.

I'm Ron.

Oh, Ron.

How do you take
your coffee, Ron?

I take it, uh...

I t-take it, uh...

t-the nondairy creamer.


nondairy creamer.




Oh, yeah.

Well, uh...

Quiet, please!

Rehearsing from
Mr. Donaghy's entrance.

What's up, Mr. Donaghy?

Uh, oh, that's Josh's line.
Your lines are in blue.

My bad. I'm sorry.

Those cards
are a little confusing.

Hello... everyone.

Thanks for waiting, please.
Sit... down.

Okay, that's great.
Just one thing, sir.

You're looking into the camera
a little bit.

No, I'm not.

I-I want to,
but I'm not, no.

Could I get
two coffee cups?

Yeah, you know, let's take five
minutes, actually, everybody,

while we get Mr. Donaghy
some coffee cups.

I know you want to do this,

but I don't think
it's working out.

I agree. It's the writing.
It's not natural.

Really? You think the problem
is the writing?

Yeah, it's clunky.


Well, I was really trying
to help you out of this.

But you know what?
You're the boss.

I think I can do it.

No, you should definitely do it.
It'll be hilarious.

Well, that would be
a refreshing change of pace

for the show, wouldn't it?

Excuse me.

Why would Tracy pretend
to be illiterate?

To get out
of coming to work.

So first you thought
he was illiterate,

and now you think he's lazy?

Jeez, you are racist.

No, Tracy took advantage
of my white guilt,

which is to be used
only for good,

like overtipping
and supporting Barack Obama.

Sha mon!

Hey, Tray, Kenneth told me
you finally got into work.

Yeah, I had to go
to reading class.

You hear this mess about
sometimes "Y" being a vowel?

What a world.

Well, we just wanted to show you
the new posters for the show.

Yeah, all right.

So it's okay to hang these
all over the city?

Yeah, it's good.

I like it.



I'll be leaving
early today.

Jenna and Ghostface Killah
to the stage, please,

for "Muffin Top."



IT's 3:00 in the morning.
What's wrong?

That's quite a commitment
to such terrible writing.

Lemon, I don't know
how to do this.

I know.

I don't get it.
It's not the fear.

I thrive on fear.

You're looking out a fake window
right now, by the way.

I bow-hunt polar bear.

I once drove a rental car
into the Hudson

just to practice escaping.

And it's not
the public speaking.

There's just something
about performing

that I can't wrap
my brain around.

All this creative crap,

I've never been able
to do it.


Grains and cereals
are an important...

Damn it. Son of a bitch.

Lemon, I need your help.


Jack Donaghy needs my...

Don't gloat.
It makes you seem mannish.

Okay, look,
this is not your fault.

This whole thing
was a bad idea.

We should just have Josh
do it.

We'll tell everyone
you're on a business trip.

That's not an option.
I have to do it.

Once I set my mind to something,
I have to accomplish it.

10 years ago,
I was an inch and a half shorter

than I am today...
sheer willpower.

If I don't figure
this thing out by Friday,

then failure wins,
and that's not acceptable.

Oh, God, the room is spinning.

What do you want from me?

I'm one of your actors.
I'm freaking out.

Talk me down.

Okay, here's your pep talk.

You're not an actor.

You're Jack Donaghy, all right,
so quit whining and nut up.

You're right. If you can't
do this, you are a failure.

Josh can do this,
and, earlier today,

he ate a club sandwich
with the toothpick still in it.

Jenna can do this, and she was
once engaged to David Blaine.

Any dum-dum can act, Jack,
so be a man and get it done.

If you were
any other woman on Earth,

I would be turned on
right now.

Go home.
Get some sleep.

This stays between us,
right, Lemon?




Well, I don't think I have to
worry about my job anymore,

and I didn't bother Jack
at all.

Oh, good for you.

That's right.
I took your advice.

I hooked up
with his boss.

Who? Ron?

That guy's an extra
on the show.

No, he said
he was Jack's boss.

In the sketch.
He doesn't even have a line.

He doesn't have lines?

Don't eat in costume.

Give me a break,
I'm just...

But he was yelling at Jack.

Actions speak louder
than words.

Take care of it.

Don't worry, sir,
I'll have it on your desk

first thing in the morning.

I am tired
of your promises.

I just want this thing
fixed now!

I'm on it, sir.

What is the point of belonging
to the Extras Guild

if I cannot get health coverage
for my foot, hmm?


Oh, God, Jenna.

I told you,
don't listen to rumors.

But Frank and Toofer
said to me...

Frank and Toofer?

That's where you're getting
your information?

They're messing with you.

No, they wouldn't do that
to me.

Yeah, they would.


I am gonna
get back at them...

using my sexuality.

Do you have any left?

Jenna, Ghostface Killah,

and Yo-Yo Ma
to the stage, please,

for "Muffin Top."

Where the hot lesbians
at, Lemon?

I knew it.
You can read.

Fine. Yes.
I'm literate.

I even have a column in Ebony
called "Musings."

You're unbelievable.

I'm unbelievable?
What about your racist mess?

Thinking a grown man
is illiterate.

That's the subtle racism
of lowered expectations.

Bing Crosby said that.

No, Bill Cosby said that.

That's racist.

Look, we can all agree,

Liz is generally
pretty racist.

The point is, you have people
counting on you.

You can't be finding excuses
not to be here.

But this job is hard.

I just want to be able to do
what I want to do.

You know,
I once shot a whole movie

without ever getting
out of my car.

Yeah, I paid to see that.

That was supposed to be
a Western.

You're not a big-shot
movie star anymore, Tray.

You're the star of "TGS,"

and you will read the lines
as written, starting tonight,

because this show
is important.

I set a very high standard
for myself,

and I expect the same of the
professionals who work with me.

When Gaybraham Lincoln gets hit
in the crotch,

can I go cross-eyed?

Oh, yes, do that.
That's hilarious.

Hey, have you seen
Frank or Toofer?


the Standards lady is saying
my moaning in "Muffin Top"

is too graphic.

Which of these
is less offensive?

Aah! Aah! Aah!


Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Both sound good to me.

Hello, Ron.

I just would hate for
"Muffin Top" to get cut

because of
a Standards problem.

I've already posted on my Weblog
that I'll be doing it.

we're not gonna cut it.

Are you messing with me?

Because people
keep messing with me.

I'm not messing with you.

So which one?

"Aah!" or "Ohh!"?

Uh... I guess, uh...

"Aah! Aah!


Oh, hey, look,
it's no big deal,

but we had to make some changes
in your sketch.

I have new pages for you.
You do?

Yeah, Tracy is in it now,

so we had to change
some of the cues.

Also, the opening
V.T. is cut,

so you just go
right out, okay?

Oh, and, um, you all say
the last line together.

Wow, so, uh...

So you're gonna be great.
Have fun.

Lemon, these pages
are blank.

Oh, never mind.

And, remember,
don't look into the camera.

Cast should be setting
themselves for the cold open.

Cold open, everyone.


Can I tell you a secret?

We've been working together
a while,

and I know
this may sound crazy,

but I've been watching you.

I have this fantasy of sneaking
up to the roof of 30 Rock,

and we make love while
looking out at the city.

Okay, let me guess.

You figured out Frank and I
lied to you, so to get even,

you're trying to get me naked
on the roof and leave me there.

Nice try.

Where's Frank?

Well, we're cool, right,
Mr. Donaghy?

No, you're all fired.

No, you're all fired.

Hey, good job
the other night.

Oh, you mean on the show.

What were you watching?


Uh... Bloomberg.


Don't be cute, Lemon.
You're too old for that.

Good God!


Mr. Donaghy, open up.


Everyone knows...

the most delicious part
of the muffin...

is the top.

ß My muffin top is all that ß

ß Whole grain, low fat ß

ß I know you want a piece
of that ß

ß But I just want to dance ß

ß You're checking out
my sweet hips ß

ß My sugar-coated berry lips ß

ß I know you
want to get with this ß

ß But I'm just here to dance ß

ß So back up off of me ß

ß You're weirding me out ß

ß I'm an independent lady ß

ß So do not try to play me ß

ß I run a tidy bakery ß

ß The boys all want my cake
for free ß

Does she know we went off
the air two minutes ago?

No, she does not.
Smart move.

You served up drama
when I ordered your love.

But I don't need this.

Where the hell's my limo?

Peace in the Middle East!

We out!