2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 5, Episode 22 - And the Big Gamble - full transcript

Here's your grilled cheese.

No crust.

Cool.

And can you just move

your coloring materials, sir?

Look.

Pretty.

I was born during the Great Depression,

and I never saw anything as depressing

as that grown-ass white boy coloring

in the damn coloring book.

I was born during a
Def Leppard concert...

And that is the most
depressing thing I've ever seen.

I'm gonna go school him.

Or, in his case, pre-school him.

Max, be gentle.

I think he's in the
middle of his terrible 32s.

Excuse me, OshKosh B'gosh.

I have a question about
your coloring book.

Why?

Oh, they're for adults.

Super Zen.

Super meditative.

Helps with stress.

You know what else helps with stress?

Sex.

And even if someone could get past

those boner-killing overalls...

you ain't gonna have any
of that if you keep this up.

Not to mention, how
stressful can your life

really be if you are carefully
shading a unicorn's ass

at 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday?

Pickup. Veggie wrap.

Oh, my God, he's having sex.

Oh, Caroline, don't be such a prude.

Oh, good, it's Sophie.

I was worried he was
at that bagel again.

Who says that a pregnant
woman can't have sex

on the kitchen floor of a diner?

The Health Department, Sophie.

Oh boy, sex makes me thirsty.

She just blew right past those cups.

Sophie, having sex with you pregnant

is even hotter than having
sex when you had the bird flu.

Yeah, well, you know,
I'm just as sweaty,

but I sneeze less.

Sophie, you're really not letting

this pregnancy slow you down.

You've already had more sex just today

than Caroline's had all year.

You're not even in maternity clothes.

Yeah.

Well, I don't need to wear one
of those frumpy potato sacks.

Yeah, because I'm a hot potato!

Oh.

Earl, what are you looking at?

I have no idea.

All right, Max...

It's time to have that

uncomfortable conversation again.

Okay, but I thought you
said it was a hard no

on having sex in front
of the Today Show window?

Oh, come on.

My month here is almost up.

I have to get back to
L.A., and we need a plan.

We have a plan.

I use the NuvaRing I found at
the Burlington Coat Factory.

They really are more than great coats.

Max, let's get real.

Max doesn't like to talk about reality

unless it's reality TV.

Like the Cops New Orleans
episode she was on.

It's the only time Fox
has ever aired a nipple.

Uh, who ordered the Korean boy band?

Uh, can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm looking for Han Lee.

'Bout yay big.

'Bout yay stupid.

You're looking for Han?

Just Han, or are you trying
to collect the whole set?

You kind of look like this
Korean pop star named Bong.

Well, my bong is from Korea.

Uh, Han is not here.

Well, if you see him, just
tell him Hwang came to say,

if he doesn't call me
back, he's got three strikes

and no balls.

Oh, he knows that.

Oh, my God, do you think Han

may be in some sort of trouble?

I'm really worried.

Oh, J. Crew sale!

So, after we pay the painters,
the electrician, the plumber,

and, of course, the
bribes to the inspectors,

we have just enough money
left for what I like to call

a little "cash cush."

If that's cash we use for
kush, I'm excited about it.

We can't spend that money,
so pretend it's not there,

like you do with recycling bins.

Oh, no!

The rats are using our tarp
as their Superdome again!

I'll get the rat mallet!

No, don't get the rat mallet!

It's a talking one, get the gun.

Well, if it isn't Crouching
Loser, Hidden Virgin.

Girls, I'm in a bit of hot water.

What happened, you fell
into a tea cup again?

No, I'm in deep trouble!

You've never been in deep anything.

Well, wait, is that why
those scary-looking guys

came into the diner looking for you

and made some threats?

I remember something about
a strike and no balls.

Something about no balls?

You monsters didn't
get the precise wording

on a threat to my life?

I was a little distracted, Han.

J. Crew claimed to have a 50% off sale,

but then I clicked on the link,
and it was an "up to" 50% sale.

Mostly on men's suiting.

Oh, do send me the link
so I can select the suit

I'll be buried in!

Because you two can't
take a damn message!

All right, Han, what is going on?

Are you really in trouble?

Hey!

What was that?

Help me, strong, big man!

That wasn't gunshots, Han,

it was just a car backfiring.

What's going on?

Well, there's no easy way to say it.

I have a pretty substantial
gambling problem.

But Han, that's almost interesting.

Yeah, and I'm almost history!

In case you weren't following,

I'm in a lot of debt!

Han, my man, I'm here for you.

Tell us what it is.

Poker, ponies, football?

It's...

ladies tennis.

Ladies tennis?

I didn't even know you played tennis.

Yeah, well, it's a vicious sport.

And I lost most of my money
on those Williams sisters.

Never trust a big butt and a smile.

You're telling me!

I thought the bad one was the good one.

How much do you owe these people?

Well, with the initial
debt and the interest,

I'm told it's in the neighborhood

of a black market kidney.

Those are pretty pricey.

I know, I have two of them.

Han, that's fascinating, yet disturbing.

Like when you use a black
light at a Red Roof Inn.

You're like an enigma.

Enigma, please.

Han, how dangerous can Hwang be?

His office is in a karaoke bar.

The only thing he's gonna murder

is the Hall and Oates catalogue.

Han, you have to face this bully.

And this is coming
from your biggest bully.

Now come on, do what I
say, or I'll beat you up.

Here we go.

Oh, I just remembered...
I need to get my sweater.

From my home.

In Korea.

♪ Hey I just met you ♪

♪ And this is crazy ♪

♪ So here's my number ♪

♪ Oh, so call me maybe ♪

♪ And all the other girls ♪

♪ Try to chase me ♪

♪ But here's my number ♪

♪ So call me maybe ♪

Boom.

He looks busy.

Let's revisit this in September.

Oh, I see we have company.

Come in, sit down, give me my money.

Look, Mr. Hwang.

We understand Han has a
weakness for pleated white skirts

and over-developed thighs.

Slow down, let me handle this.

I have experience with
hardened criminals.

First off, killer Carly Rae Jeps.

Um, do you mind if a sister
does, like, five shots?

Look, Mr. Hwang.

Call me by my first name: Hwang.

Your names is Hwang Hwang?

Oh, you think that's funny?

So did Kim.

Kim, show them your mangled genitals.

We're all set, mangled genitals-wise.

Speak for yourself, I'd take
a peek at them mangled gennies.

Uh, perhaps we could put
an installment plan in place

for the money Han owes you?

How much is it, exactly?

$30,000.

On ladies tennis?

I'm sure we can figure this out.

Yeah, I have a free
pass to any AMC Theatre.

I should warn you, though,
it does exclude the IMAX.

Keep it, Han.

I've decided to give you a
little time to pay me back.

That is so cool of you.

How much time?

Uh, one song.

Right now.

And Han?

You better make it a toe-tapper.

'Cause when you're done,

you'll have one less toe to tap.

You're not really
gonna take off his toes.

Kim, show him your missing toes.

Come on, Han, it's show time.

I mean, "toe time."

Oh, my God, this is like
when they make people sing

on American Idol after
they've been voted off.

Hwang, what are you
gonna do with another toe?

I mean, you think you need another one,

and then they just sit on the shelf.

If I don't take his toes,
then I'm known as the guy

who says he's gonna take toes
and then doesn't take toes.

Uh, can I peruse a song book?

It might take a while, I'm very picky.

ABBA...

AC/DC...

Adele...

I already picked you a song.

"Last Dance" by Donna Summer.

'Cause when that toe is gone,

it'll be the last time you dance.

Sing.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Last dance ♪

♪ Last chance for love ♪

♪ Yes it's my last chance ♪

♪ For romance ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ By me ♪

♪ Beside me ♪

♪ To guide me ♪

What are we gonna do?

You heard Han.

He needs us by him,
beside him, to guide him!

Should we go and get the cops?

No, by the time they get back,

Han will have one less toe,
if Hwang even stops there.

What if he takes his whole foot?

Han needs all the height he can get.

Didn't you say something about
us having a money cushion?

We can't use the cushion.

We need it for the dessert bar
in case we have a slow start.

Like we have had with every
business we've started before.

You sure? 'Cause...

♪ Don't leave ♪

♪ Scold me ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm bad ♪

♪ I'm so so bad ♪

Leaning towards helping.

Han is annoying, nerdy, bad at sports,

but he gave us a cushion
when we didn't have anything.

Max, I want to help Han,
but I also don't want us

to wind up with nothing.

Again.

Let me see him one more time.

♪ So let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ The last dance ♪

Can I start over?

I had a bubble in my throat.

Chestnut, we have big news.

And something called mochi.

In here.

I let myself in.

Chestnut can talk?

Thank you, God!

What's up, good looking?

I still can't believe

you're dating someone
who looks like that,

and can read.

Randy, you will not believe what we did.

We saved Han's life.

Well, not his life, so much as his toe,

but still an amazing
gesture on our part.

Well...

long story about a short guy,

we bought the diner.

I had to get something out of it.

I mean, I'm not Mother Teresa.

You bought the diner?

The diner that doesn't
show up on Google Maps

for legal reasons?

That diner?

Why would you do that?

Well, not bought, exactly.

We got Han out of debt in
exchange for part ownership.

It's like, we spend five years
trying to get out of hell,

and then... we bought hell!

Crazy, right?

Yeah, no, real crazy.

When I think of impulse
buys, I think of Altoids

or a flashlight keychain.

Well, I guess congratulations.

Wait, what is that look on your face?

I've never seen it before.

Are you mad?

Just surprised you didn't think

to talk to me about it first.

What, every time I buy a
diner, I have to tell you?

I go back to L.A. in three days.

You couldn't make a plan for that,

but you bought the diner?

That's a commitment.

Now it's done.

I should go tell Chestnut what we did.

'Cause he is gonna laugh.

I know what'll make this all okay.

Some jug snugs?

Yours, not mine.

Nothing?

Well, if we're not gonna do it,

at least put on a shirt.

I am human.

You really think you're
gonna have time for us?

Starting a new business
and owning the diner?

Yes!

I had four jobs in sixth grade,

and I still had time to follow
Smash Mouth around the country.

Not the band, a meth
head my mom really liked.

Chestnut had a big reaction
to the news, as well.

Where's the poop shovel?

Hey, boss ladies, congratulations!

I heard that you own the diner now.

Which is why I am doing double doobies.

Part! Part owners!

I'm still the boss.

Put that away!

Doobie continued.

Who's the boss, Tiny Danza?

Well, I will be again,
as soon as I scrape up

the money to pay you back.

But don't worry, from now on,

I'm not gambling on anything
but lunch at Chipotle.

Hey, everybody!

Sophie's back and better than ever!

Like racism in America.

I heard that.

Wow, Sophie, that is some dress.

And there must be one very
cold leopard out there.

Oh, I like your style, baby.

I realized

I don't need to wear those
basic bitch maternity clothes.

I can be maternal without
losing that little whisper

that says, "I'm doable."

Yes, you are.

She also made a maternity
item for the bedroom.

It's called "The Pregligé."

Hey, Oleg.

Meet me in the bathroom.

Hey, Earl, I'm heading out.

I guess we'll never get to
do that Lethal Weapon reboot

we talked about.

That's all right, I'm doing
a Rush Hour reboot with Han.

What're you doing with that luggage?

Did I get you kicked
out of another hotel?

No, I changed my ticket.

Going back to L.A. today.

But that's today.

And that is a ticket to Los Angeles.

Use it whenever you
want and I'll be there.

This is empty.

Yeah, everything's done online now.

I just did that for effect.

You'll get an email.

Good luck with your
dessert bar and the diner.

I'm gonna see you.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why are you being so good-bye-y?

I'm gonna visit as soon
as things get settled here.

And we'll talk every day.

I'm even better at phone
sex than I am at real sex.

I find that hard to believe.

It's the only thing on my
resumé that's not a lie.

I'll figure it out. We'll make a plan.

I know you think that.

But I think I was right the first time.

Long-distance relationships don't work.

And I think the real distance between us

is where we are in our lives.

What distance?

I'm three inches away from you.

You better get back to your diner.

I love you, Max.

I love you, too.

Okay, that felt really good-bye-y.

I'm okay, Earl.

This is for me.

I know this is really hard,
but you don't know where

this all is gonna end up.

Like you, when you ride
the subway on ecstasy.

Are you okay?

I am the opposite of okay.

You know, as the boss, I
could let you take a break.

I mean, ten minutes, tops.

If I give you more than ten minutes,

then I'll be known as the girl who says

she's gonna give ten minutes,

then doesn't give ten minutes.

I need to talk to the owner.

That's me!

Oh, that was really painful.

And probably worse than losing a toe.