2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 6, Episode 1 - And the Two Openings: Part One - full transcript
Max copes with the aftermath of her breakup with Randy, as the finishing touches are made on their new Dessert Bar; Sophie and Oleg prepare for the baby's birth.
Hey, Earl.
It's the brand new us in brand
new gently used outfits.
The pit stains are vintage.
I dug mine out of a dumpster.
It wasn't even touching the diaper.
I'm not used to seeing
you girls in clothes.
Things just sound
creepier when you're old.
As new part owners of the diner,
we're making improvements.
Heh, not in the food or decor
'cause LOL.
But we're just gonna look better.
Oleg, did you hear the news?
We're not wearing uniforms anymore.
Cool.
Let's do it.
Just say the word.
The underwear is tear-away too.
Don't say words.
Oh, God!
I think I just looked into
the eye of the tiger.
Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Au revoir, Pierre.
(both scream)
Stop, drop, and roll!
(both screaming)
MAX: You're on fire.
CAROLINE: You're on fire.
Now scissor a little. It can't hurt.
- (Peter Bjorn and John)
- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Okay, now that no one
can see Oleg's nipples,
let's start.
As you know, Max and I are
part owners of the diner.
You been telling us every damn day
like a skinny cuckoo clock.
Which reminds me,
I timed my medication to it.
Pill me, Earl.
What was that?
I don't know.
Like to keep my body guessing.
So what's this meeting for?
The baby's almost here
and I still have a bunch of
new father stuff to do:
build a crib;
get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads.
You can build a crib?
Anyway, the big change
we're talking about
is changing right now.
Han?
HAN: I don't want to!
Okay, fine.
(cheers and applause)
Those shorts look like a cheap hotel,
no ballroom.
(laughter)
I already lost my diner.
Haven't I been shamed enough?
Ooh. Thanks for reminding me.
Caroline?
Now you have.
And this is what you get
for gambling on ladies' tennis
and owing us $25,000.
You look like Bob's "Little" Boy.
Should we order
directly into your mouth?
Han, since the diner
is now owner operated,
if we have to wait on tables,
so do you.
You're gonna cover our shifts
because our other business,
the dessert bar,
is opening in two days.
Did you say you own a dessert bar?
Huh... pill time.
I don't know why I can't
catch a break from you two.
I had to put up with
Max's heartbreak
over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.
It was more indulgent
than Beyoncé's "Lemonade."
(both gasp)
- How dare you?
- She's a queen.
The name "Randy" is off-limits
in this diner, Han.
Like ambition or fresh milk.
Girls, while you have us trapped here,
what the hell is a dessert bar?
Is it cake with alcohol in it?
Or alcohol with cake?
'Cause either way,
nobody wants to make love
after eating a big hunk of pie.
Earl, everybody
understands the concept.
I don't get the dessert
bar thing either.
Who wants to hear from a
human mustard packet?
Randy, Randy, Randy. Zing!
(cheers and applause)
Damn, baby got back.
Thanks for the input, but
I think I know what I'm doing.
I went to Wharton.
Wharton.
That's my last pill.
Hey, every-baby!
(cheers and applause)
Yeah, it's my due date.
This baby is taking longer to come out
than a Catholic from Indiana.
Sophie, do you feel anything?
I mean, besides the
vibrating panties I got you?
Oh, is that what that sound is?
I thought a bee got in here.
Well, I'll be in my booth
waiting for my baby.
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
I'll be your waiter, Han.
Who's the new girl?
I don't like her.
♪
None of these bartenders
have dessert bar experience.
I guess that's because we made it up.
That one guy got drunk
at the M&M's store.
That's in the ballpark.
You just like him 'cause
he gave you candy.
It did not hurt.
Hey. I'm here for the bartender job.
Well, you're not holding your penis,
so you're doing better
than the last guy.
Full disclosure: that guy's
still in the running.
Mine would be here, but
he gets nervous at interviews.
He's funny.
He's an actual bartender.
He's qualified, and he's
still not holding his penis.
You're hired.
Welcome aboard, Randall.
I hate that name.
People call me "Randy."
(scoffs)
And we hate that name. Out you go.
No, no, no. No, no, that's... come on.
He's not gonna bother me.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
My Randy is a
mountain of a man.
But life got in the way.
He lives in LA and I was
starting this dessert bar.
Yeah, she's not over it.
Yeah, and you really pooped
the bed with the name thing.
He could pick me up with one arm
and carry Chinese food with the other.
(giggles) Where'd that guy go?
He disappeared faster
than Adam Lambert.
Max, we need to avoid
any reminders of Randy.
I can't go back to that
depression you were in.
It was so hard for me.
Don't worry.
I'll be okay and so will we.
This is Williamsburg;
you can't spit without
hitting a bartender.
Or an artisanal pickle maker.
Why do we live here?
I'm here for the bartender interview.
(cheers and applause)
Oh, no, you two.
How do we know him?
(gasps) Wait a minute.
Dad?
You're the puppet guy
that tried to sue us
two years and three businesses ago
by saying we injured you.
She broke my puppet.
Wait, we never had sex.
Did we?
Do you wiggle a lot?
I do.
But we didn't.
Anyway, uh, since I changed
psychopharmacologists,
the puppets aren't talking to me
as much.
Here's my résumé.
Please don't call the references.
They're all jealous of me.
Under special skills,
you wrote, "Revenge."
Oh, whoops, that was
supposed to be under
"Favorite TV Shows."
But can't we just let
bygones be bygones?
I mean, really, I've done
a lot of work on myself.
I have found inner peace,
and I've completely...
completely centered myself
through a series of...
of therapy sessions
that became intensely sexual.
Yeah, I know. It's on your résumé.
Him you can call.
We don't like to work with
nemesises.
Nemesi?
Let's just go with
"creepy people that we hate."
Fine.
You two, with your porcelain skin
and your businesses.
I'll go back to my crappy daytime job,
but FYI, Cagney and Lacey,
nobody knows what the
hell a dessert bar is.
What is so hard to understand?
It's signature cocktails
paired with dessert confections.
(groans)
Why do all my enemies
have to be geniuses?
He does seem a lot better.
Max, we open in two days;
we need a bartender.
Look, I will just
take care of the drinks
till we find the right person
not named "Randy."
Max, look around. We did it.
And it only cost every cent we got
from your big movie deal.
And the weed money you were hiding
in that box labeled "not weed money."
(giggles, gasps)
I'm gonna go check out
the bathroom again.
You know you've made it when
you have an industrial flush.
The seat is clean.
You don't even have to hover.
Come on!
Delivery for Max and Caroline.
What are you wearing?
And I don't know how this is possible,
but you have a camel toe.
It's my flower delivery uniform.
I picked up a shift so I could
pay you two shrews faster
and get my diner back.
Now, could you please sign?
I left my bicycle unlocked.
It says, "Max and Caroline,
congratulations on
your dessert bar, Randy."
These are from Randy.
Oh, my God. Get these out of here.
The Upsy Daisies are
our most popular item.
Widows get into fist fights over them.
- (toilet flushes)
- MAX: Yes!
Han, get these out of here.
I can't have her see these. Go.
I will make a notation
that you did not tip.
No 19-digit promo code for you.
♪ ♪
The mail wasn't there,
but that unexplained puddle
in the hallway is thriving.
I'm afraid they're gonna call it a pool
and try to raise our rent.
Good!
I'd love to have friends over
to my puddle for a change.
Our liquor license was
supposed to come today.
We should have gotten mail by now.
We also should have left batteries
in the carbon monoxide detector,
but I got tired of all the beeping.
Do your eyes feel bloodier than usual?
Hey, gals!
Yeah, nope. Still not a mother.
Oh, I'm so bored.
I've Netflix'd, Hulu'd, Amazoned.
I'm about to HBO GO out of my mind.
Sophie, where did you
get those Upsy Daisies?
Oh, Han gave them to me.
Yeah, and he tried to sell me
a time-share in the Poconos.
Yeah, but I got to say,
I was a little intrigued.
Sophie, you shouldn't be down here.
There's a probable
carbon monoxide leak.
You should go check out our pool.
Why did Han give you flowers?
Is he trying to hit that? (chuckles)
Oh, well, he'd have
to reach that first.
No, they were for you guys.
Yeah, Caroline didn't want them.
Yeah, but I'm not above
garbage flowers.
These are from Randy for me.
You!
Max, I didn't want to tell
you about the flowers.
I didn't want to upset you.
If you don't want to upset me,
then why do you chew salad so loudly?
Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline.
I am not mad.
You're not?
No.
It was really nice of
Randy to send flowers
and maybe I should call him.
Bad idea to get in touch with Randy.
Very bad idea, like,
jumpsuits on short women.
What?
He did a nice thing
and I just want to thank him.
We'll thank him together.
You know what people
like to get nowadays?
A handwritten note.
Let me grab my stationery.
It's a Rite Aid receipt so
there's plenty of room.
- Dear Randy...
- You know what?
Just calling Randy is rude.
Since when do you worry about rude?
- You interrupt almost every...
- I want to FaceTime him.
(phone beeping)
That's much worse, and you
just interrupted me Ag...
- Hi, Randy.
- Max!
It's so great to hear from you.
Is Caroline not there,
or is she standing behind you
with her arms folded, looking angry?
My arms aren't folded,
they're on my hips.
And I'm not angry, but Max called you
without my permission.
Hi, Miss Channing.
Max has to get off the phone.
You're embarrassing me.
Max, it took you three months
and a palette of Cheetos
to get over him.
RANDY: You covered the screen,
not the speaker.
You shouldn't be talking to him.
(scoffs)
You shouldn't be
wearing blue eye shadow.
(gasps)
You told me it looked nice
and now I've ruined the receipt
and I can't take it back.
RANDY: Guys, I'm getting whiplash.
You know what?
Everyone just calm down.
I'm just saying thank you.
God-uh!
Sophie, is it time?
Are you in labor?
No. (panting)
I broke my masturbating underwear.
Ah, but you know how that goes.
I do not
and I will not act like I might.
You know, you're a puzzle
that I have no interest in solving.
Here's your mail.
(gasps) The mail.
Our liquor license.
Yeah.
You know what,
I think my masturbating
underwear is short-circuiting,
but... eeh... oh...
but it feels pretty good.
Is not coming because I made
a tiny mistake on the forms?
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
nobody knows what a dessert bar is.
And frankly,
it just makes people angry.
Max, I have bad news.
Oh, my God... you're naked!
I'm saying thank you to Randy.
Looks like Randy is thanking himself.
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
That thank you kind of got away from us.
Max, put your pants on,
we're going downtown.
That's funny, Randy just told me
to take them off for the same reason.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Last time I saw a line this long,
it went up my nose.
And I almost married Katt Williams.
Excuse me?
Is there a different line for people
who just made one tiny mistake
and it's not her fault
'cause she was just
overwhelmed at the time?
Max, we're gonna die here.
Ugh, finally.
I'd give out flyers for the
dessert bar, but I just saw
someone pull an unwrapped
cheese stick out of his pocket.
I can't believe you
filled out a form wrong.
Start a business much?
Uh, in my defense,
this is kind of your fault.
Me? How is it my fault?
I was in a fort made out
of pillows most of July.
Or was it August?
I don't know, you can lose
track of time in a fort.
Exactly.
I had to jackass around this whole city
to get the dessert bar
ready while you were
rolling in the deep,
getting over Randy.
So...
hello from the other side.
Girl fight.
Worldstar.
And now, after all that,
I catch you going down
on Randy's iPhone.
I'm warning you right now,
I am not bathing you again.
Look, there is a mathematical formula
involved in break-up sex.
What do you know about math?
You always leave out six
when you count to ten.
Doesn't mean you're stupid.
A lot of persons do that.
Typically, in a break-up,
if you live in the same city,
you go to the guy's house
to pick up your stuff,
and then you do it.
That's one time.
Then you "forget something"
and he brings it to your place
and then you do it.
That's two.
Then you run into each other at a bar,
do it in the bathroom.
Three.
Then you fake a pregnancy. That's four.
Then he fakes an STD. That's five.
And then you're broken up.
There's been no math.
(scoffs) Five is a number.
Numbers are math. Read a book.
Yeah. Read a book.
Name a book.
The phone book.
This line is for
municipal licenses only.
Not driver's licenses,
wedding licenses, or whatnot.
Municipal licenses.
If you don't know what that is,
you're in the wrong line.
How could you not know what line
you're supposed to be standing in?
(sighs)
Randy, let me call you
back from the bathroom.
I know where it is.
I used to work here.
Max!
Hey, Caroline.
Oh, Max was just thanking
me for the flowers again.
That's why I'm not wearing a shirt.
Or pants.
Uh, let me call you back,
but keep your pants off.
(chuckles)
What? I am not counting that as one.
Were you really gonna spank it
in the middle of the
municipal building?
Spank it?
Don't be crass, Caroline.
Yes.
Next!
Ding ding ding!
It's just some clerical error
so we should be able
to get our license today.
Let me handle this.
You know you have a history of
getting slappy with bureaucrats.
Hi.
We got this in the mail,
and there's been some
teensy little mistake...
Well, well, well!
Him!
I've got this, Moesha.
Why don't you go clean up your little
Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave?
Oh, she's a mess.
Now, how can I
not help you two?
This is your dead-end job?
I pictured you working as a drug mule
or a seat filler on The View.
That's a job?
Dude, I just made a
mistake on the application.
Can't you just give us a break?
Our dessert bar is supposed
to open tomorrow night.
Please?
I gave up a boyfriend for this business,
and I'm gonna mess up
her pretty face if it doesn't work out.
Max, thank you.
I was starting to think you
didn't think I was that pretty.
If we don't fix this, we're
gonna have to delay our opening.
So please?
You know what?
Let me talk to my supervisor.
(audience groans and laughs)
His neck's a little rusty,
but that's a no.
♪
I would make us a drink
but without a liquor license,
all I can make is meth.
This is all my fault.
No, I was in a funk about Randy
and you had to do all
this stuff on your own.
- It's my fault.
- Okay, good.
That's what I really thought,
but I just wanted to make
sure it was out there.
We have zero luck, Max, zero.
I just stopped by to say
I'm sorry about your dessert bar.
You two are unlucky A, F.
That's "As Freddie."
He's a friend of mine.
He's very unlucky.
Earl,
there's no outside liquor.
'Cause it just makes us feel worse.
This ain't outside liquor.
It's from the diner.
Can't you tell by the
beef floating in it?
Oh, my God. It's not from outside.
It's from the diner.
Max, who owns the diner?
Me, you, and an Asian squirrel.
Max, we don't need a
liquor license because...
- We already have one.
- Uh-huh.
Oh! I just did more math.
Still not math!
I haven't seen women move that fast
since the Activia recall.
(gasps)
Here it is!
Oh, my God, Han's
middle name is Margaret.
Sometimes the universe
just gives you a gift.
(together) This entitles the
owner, operator, operators...
That's us!
(together) ...Of the Williamsburg Diner
to serve alcohol to those
persons 21 and over,
reserving the right to
not serve those persons
who do not supply valid ID!
Max, do you know what this means?
I am totally carding Han Margaret
when he comes in our dessert bar,
which is so opening tomorrow night.
Hey, every-baby.
Still preg... achoo!
(water breaks)
(both gasp)
Are you guys seeing this too?
I'm never gonna forget it.
I think my water broke.
Oleg!
Get out here and bring the mop bucket.
Sophie's in labor.
Oh. I'm calling the car right now.
It says "Your Lyft
driver is already here."
Did somebody order a car?
Look, it's Minnie Driver.
Sophie, we're having a baby.
I'm scared.
She should be scared,
she's wearing electric underwear.
♪
Slow, easy breaths.
I am!
I was more talking to myself.
Don't leave me in there alone.
You know I see dead people.
It's coming.
It's coming!
(groaning)
It's here!
The baby?
(horn honks)
Well, a baby.
Oh, good, our goober driver's here.
Aren't I suffering enough
to get the diner back from you two?
I'm already driving for Lyft and Uber
and selling Molly out of
that glove compartment.
Shotgun!
♪ ♪
Han, I hate to hit the stereotype
of Asian women drivers,
but could you speed the hell up?
Do you want to arrive quickly
or do you want to arrive safely?
A teddy bear doesn't count
as carpooling, lady!
I can't have a car baby.
Three of my brothers
were born in the car.
On the way to the woods,
where they were supposed to be born.
Sophie, do you think you could
move your seat up a scooch?
Only because I think my leg is broken.
This reminds me of a road
trip I took one time
with Earth, Wind & Fire.
The car was so cramped,
we had to leave Wind behind.
I feel like someone just left
some wind behind in here.
(honking)
Signal much?
Ow!
Sophie,
smile for the camera.
I don't want to miss a minute.
No Golishevsky man has ever been there
for the birth of his child.
Why, because it's bad luck
to see your wife before she's born?
You tell one story where your
uncle marries his daughter,
and suddenly, you're the incest guy.
Uh-oh.
It's happening.
Oh.
Ah, I can feel the baby's head.
Oh.
(groans)
It's your sandwich.
It's yours now.
All right.
Sophie, you have to
make it to the hospital.
I sold my rare toe-porn collection
to pay for a fancy birthing suite.
I'm gonna give birth
to this baby in style.
I won't have to protect it
from wild animals afterwards,
you know, which is nice.
Sophie, don't get too
comfortable in that suite.
You're gonna need to
drop it like it's hot
the second we get to the hospital.
Max and I have to get ready
for our dessert bar opening.
Baby on board! Move it our lose it!
(honks)
In their defense, it looks like
no one's driving this car.
♪ ♪
Excuse me, doctor? It's been 12 hours.
Is there some way we
could speed this up?
You know, jumping jacks, Indian food,
a C-section?
Does she need to be in here?
Yeah.
Yeah, that one
and the other one over
there are the godparents.
Max.
Yeah, girl.
They're not a couple.
Oleg thinks they do it a little though.
Only 1 centimeter.
I don't feel anything.
It could be a while.
Sophie, you may want
to take off the Spanx.
I'm pregnant.
I'm not dead.
(groans)
Oh, man, tub legs.
I'll be back.
But not because I want to.
Oleg, come on, film the room.
I want our baby to know that
I was treated like a queen.
You know, I think Elton
John had this room
when he gave birth.
I'm sorry, I lost y'all.
I feel asleep on a gurney
and woke up in the morgue.
I scared the pants off
a bunch of med students.
(iPhone chimes)
Ooh, there's my alarm.
I have to go have break-up
phone sex with my ex, Randy.
Like you do.
Well, don't go very far 'cause
Oleg gets fainty in hospitals
and supermarkets
that also sell clothing.
It's just too much.
Max, you and Randy have had
more sex since your break-up
then I had with my college boyfriend.
Granted, he was very busy
with musical theater.
The only time we had sex was
when he was in his Cats' costume
and he asked me to give
him a Rum Tum Tugger.
The rule is
you have sex five times
before you're broken up.
And this is number five.
Historically, the biggest, sweatiest,
and the most butt-centric...
his, not mine.
So... (chuckles)
Do not disturb.
It's facing the wrong way,
and it's very disturbing.
Hey, Randy.
Oh, sorry, I just, uh, just woke up.
Looks like you've been up for awhile.
Mind if I camp under that pup tent?
Can you go roast his
marshmallows somewhere else?
Excuse me, there's a VVVIP
patient coming in
who needs this room.
I don't care what kind
of disease they have.
I'm not going.
(Caroline gasps)
Oh, my God.
That's supermodel Vanessa Nibotito.
(gasps) She's pretty and smart.
It's hard, right girl?
I... I paid for this room.
That giant bag of quarters? That's us!
Is my baby bump
seriously getting bumped
by a poor man's me?
I'm so sorry.
I could send you a copy of my
motherhood book if you'd like.
The lady I paid to write
it did a great job.
Oh, wait... wait a minute, no...
I'm not going anywhere.
No, wait a minute.
Wait, I'm not... no, I'm not going.
You can't make me. No, wait a minute.
Wait a min... oh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, look, I'm getting
a little arm workout here.
Oh, yeah.
♪ ♪
Sophie, the hospital is saying
they bounced us from the room
because we took too long.
They're offering us a cot
near the burn unit of the ICU.
Well,
ICU don't understand that
I'm not having this baby
until I get back in my suite.
That's a hard "no," Chris.
Guess who just flirted her way
into a free carpal tunnel glove?
Some girls flirt their way
into a sugar daddy;
I get medical supplies.
And more good news...
Did you get me my room back?
No, those days are over.
We're hallway people now.
But I was able to print out
flyers for our dessert bar.
I'd love to give them a rounded edge.
Do you have scissors?
Are you kidding me?
Of course I do. Look in my bag.
Sophie, they're offering
us a full-size bed,
but it's in an MRI machine.
I think we should take it.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
We have a ramp.
Excuse me, coming through.
Coming through.
A-lister about to give birth.
Oh, my God.
Celebrity doctor, Nancy Gonzales!
You know, I wear your perfume.
Nancy, you might have heard,
dessert bar opening tonight.
Someone needs to control
the hallway people.
MAX: (giggles) Randy.
Max! (gasps)
That wasn't me,
it was naughty nurse Wanda.
I was about to give Wanda a shot.
Well, she was gonna give it to herself,
but I was gonna tell her
exactly how to do it.
Max, isn't playing doctor in a hospital
a little on the nose?
I like to be on theme.
We can play pirate and lusty wench
when I'm in a Long John Silver's.
No, you won't because
we're not allowed in there
for that very reason.
Plus, didn't you already
have your fifth time?
You see, Caroline,
break-up sex in LA is six times.
It's the DeVito-Perlman rule.
Rhea forgot her yoga mat,
and five limoncellos later,
boom!
The rest is history.
He's a lawyer so we
have to listen to him.
♪ ♪
Dessert bar opening tonight.
Sophie, any progress in your nethers?
'Cause our dessert bar
opens in five hours,
and it promises I'll
be there on the flyer.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
I'll be there.
Did you really have to
refer to yourself as
"New York's Own Caroline Channing"?
She's coming.
Hallway people, clear a path.
Oh.
(cameras snapping)
Congratulations
because you're invited to
our dessert bar opening.
You can bring the baby if you want,
but I wouldn't love it.
What's dessert?
I'm still tweeting that she's coming.
I'm taking the suite back, girls.
Roll me in!
Yeah, we're not hallway people anymore.
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
(gasps) Ooh.
How long can sushi be sitting out?
Ooh, not that long.
What about this one?
Max, don't.
It promises on the flyer
that you'll be at the
dessert bar opening too.
It's in smaller letters,
but it's there.
Oh. I got here as fast as I could.
To take the baby out?
No, to see the model.
Um, she's gone.
She kept saying,
"Where's Doctor Gomulka?"
Really?
No, no one's ever said that.
Well, since I'm already disappointed,
I guess I'll take a
look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how
I love to have a snack
when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop
and grab you some
chocolate-heavy trail mix
and some Hubba Bubba.
Oh, and Oleg!
Turn the bag upside down and... oh.
(laughs) He knows.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say
it'll be at least five hours.
Achoo!
(baby crying)
And that's how I lost my house.
Nurse, I need something
to cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, I... wait, wait.
You're in luck.
- Aww.
- (baby crying)
ALL: Aww.
Sophie,
you did great.
You're a mother.
Also, gesundheit.
Aw, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby!
And Oleg missed it.
Oh, and he had his heart set
on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never gonna forgive himself!
He's never, never, never,
never, never, never...
Please, Sophie, calm down.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you
know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to
help you fake a birth?
You'll be fine. You've faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
♪ ♪
We have to make Oleg
pass out long enough to bring
the baby in and make him
think he just missed
a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you
wish you never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming. Places.
(panting)
Sorry it took so long,
but the lady in front of me
paid for her Jujubes
with a third-party check.
(groaning) Oh, I'm in pain!
Oh, I'm about to have a baby
for the first time!
Okay. I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto and
what I'm now realizing
was a laxative.
Oleg,
you stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there is some seriously
birthy stuff going on down here.
Oh, should we get a doctor?
Even a girl one?
There's no time!
Because of all the oozing gunk!
(groans)
Push, Sophie, push!
(straining)
You... you... you...
you did this to me
with your gorgeous penis!
We're both sorry!
Max, anything else disgusting
going on down there?
Oh, yeah, we got a real
sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's
a lot of placenta goo.
Oy, oy, oy, oy...
I haven't been this woozy
since I was in a Super Target.
I'm not going down.
- (groaning)
- I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is
fighting through the slime!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, girls, quick.
He's down. Get the baby!
Oh, my God. All right.
All right, now, to wake him up,
yell "immigration" or tickle his...
Immigration!
What'd I miss?
Look, Oleg.
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bejoonie,
just like her mama.
She's beautiful, just like her mama.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold her?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Look.
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world
before you start giving her bad news.
Hello, baby.
Barbara!
Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky!
Oh, that sounds real musical,
doesn't it?
Depends what kind of
music you listen to.
Aww, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite?
SOPHIE: Yeah.
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm gonna teach you
how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
♪ ♪
(gasps) Look at all those people
at our door.
And not a torch in the mix.
CAROLINA: Oh, Earl.
Are you lost again?
The diner is next door!
Don't confuse him. He's our bouncer.
You're our bouncer!
Now, you don't really expect
everybody on this list
to show up, now, do you?
'Cause Liam Hemsworth
and I are in a Twitter feud.
Okay, some of it may have
been wishful thinking,
but I did text 2 Chainz.
We met him on a private plane once.
I gave him my digits.
Uh, 2 Chainz, is that
a person or a dress code?
It's both.
(audience cheers)
Earl, 2 Chainz is a famous rapper.
Oh, my God, 2 Chainz is here... ah!
I'm letting 2 Chainz the famous
rapper in before we open.
What's up, Double C?
She prefers to be called,
"New York's Own Double C."
Sup?
I can't believe you made
it to our dessert bar.
I can't believe anybody
knows what a dessert bar is.
Are you kidding?
Sugar and alcohol go hand in hand.
It's two great tastes
that taste great together.
Like how I seamlessly fuse
new-school and old-school flows.
Well, now I get it.
Why didn't you just say that, girls?
Now, can I get one of
those flan-tinis, please?
Look, sorry I didn't
recognize you, 2 Chainz.
I let my subscription
to Vibe expire in 1984.
Oh, that's okay.
I think they give discounts
for return customers.
Oh, really?
Well, well, well!
Look who opened up a bar
after I denied them a liquor license.
Well, well, well, look who decided
to wear ladies' pants
hoping no one would notice.
J. Petto, what are you doing here?
How did you know we were opening?
I definitely didn't give you a flyer.
I follow 2 Chainz on Twitter,
sometimes in my car.
Just so you know,
I have 911 on speed dial.
Our liquor license, sir.
Uh, this belongs to
the Williamsburg Diner.
They're the same property.
We own the diner.
They're related,
like Alec and whoever
the grossest Baldwin is.
Daniel.
You can't use another
establishment's liquor license.
I'm shutting you two down
and I'm slapping the owner of the diner
with a $25,000 fine.
Who is this bitch?
Just some mean, little man with
nothing better to do on a Friday
night than ruin our lives.
Not true; I'm taking my aunt
to drag bingo right after this.
Well, girls,
I managed to make it here
after this dog fornicated
his way across Greenpoint.
(chuckles) Been there.
Done that.
Here's $300.
My earnings after working 12 jobs
and being robbed 4 times.
Twice by the same girl.
You can have your diner back.
We feel bad about taking it from you,
and also the owner of the diner owes
old butt-chin here and
the city $25,000.
What?
The diner is mine again?
Yeah, sorry.
(gasps)
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
I have my baby back.
You have baby everything.
I'm shutting you down
for 14 business days.
And you're getting a bill in the mail
with very confusing instructions.
And...
I'm having my birthday here.
Let's bounce, 2 Chainz.
So long, pal.
You're gonna have to find someone else
to use as a chew toy.
Oh, man.
Sorry about the bar, girls.
I mean, guess I'm gonna
have to get me a bottle of rosé
and head over to Mrs. Fields' again.
Does she have a sister?
Or a color TV?
See you later, girls.
It look like I'm gonna go party
with the old man right here.
(indistinct chatter)
Can you guys just give
us another minute?
Or 14 business days?
The only thing that opened
and closed faster than us
was Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.
Well, at least I didn't get
a blow out for this.
That lessens the sting
of a failed opening.
Are you kidding?
I think this is gonna
make us more popular.
You know how people always
want what they can't have.
Like you with everything.
If that's true, then
why do you look upset?
'Cause Randy and I
are really broken up.
We burned through the
Affleck-Garner clause,
the Cox-Arquette addendum.
As soon as we got to the
Bieber-Gomez principle,
we were ashamed of ourselves.
Max, you're the queen
of not following the rules.
"Rules, schmules," you say.
Yes!
Rules, schmules!
And condoms, schmondoms.
Yeah, that one's not great.
What I'm saying is you make stuff up.
Like this dessert bar.
And that was a great idea.
So you should make up
rules for you and Randy.
'Cause it really seems like
you guys care about each other.
Yeah, you're right.
Break-up, schmake-up.
Now, go call Randy
and make me want to burn my iPad.
Go, I'm begging you.
Yeah, we're gonna kill it
in 14 business days.
♪ ♪
(cash register bell dings)
(upbeat rock music)
♪
It's the brand new us in brand
new gently used outfits.
The pit stains are vintage.
I dug mine out of a dumpster.
It wasn't even touching the diaper.
I'm not used to seeing
you girls in clothes.
Things just sound
creepier when you're old.
As new part owners of the diner,
we're making improvements.
Heh, not in the food or decor
'cause LOL.
But we're just gonna look better.
Oleg, did you hear the news?
We're not wearing uniforms anymore.
Cool.
Let's do it.
Just say the word.
The underwear is tear-away too.
Don't say words.
Oh, God!
I think I just looked into
the eye of the tiger.
Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Au revoir, Pierre.
(both scream)
Stop, drop, and roll!
(both screaming)
MAX: You're on fire.
CAROLINE: You're on fire.
Now scissor a little. It can't hurt.
- (Peter Bjorn and John)
- ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Okay, now that no one
can see Oleg's nipples,
let's start.
As you know, Max and I are
part owners of the diner.
You been telling us every damn day
like a skinny cuckoo clock.
Which reminds me,
I timed my medication to it.
Pill me, Earl.
What was that?
I don't know.
Like to keep my body guessing.
So what's this meeting for?
The baby's almost here
and I still have a bunch of
new father stuff to do:
build a crib;
get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads.
You can build a crib?
Anyway, the big change
we're talking about
is changing right now.
Han?
HAN: I don't want to!
Okay, fine.
(cheers and applause)
Those shorts look like a cheap hotel,
no ballroom.
(laughter)
I already lost my diner.
Haven't I been shamed enough?
Ooh. Thanks for reminding me.
Caroline?
Now you have.
And this is what you get
for gambling on ladies' tennis
and owing us $25,000.
You look like Bob's "Little" Boy.
Should we order
directly into your mouth?
Han, since the diner
is now owner operated,
if we have to wait on tables,
so do you.
You're gonna cover our shifts
because our other business,
the dessert bar,
is opening in two days.
Did you say you own a dessert bar?
Huh... pill time.
I don't know why I can't
catch a break from you two.
I had to put up with
Max's heartbreak
over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.
It was more indulgent
than Beyoncé's "Lemonade."
(both gasp)
- How dare you?
- She's a queen.
The name "Randy" is off-limits
in this diner, Han.
Like ambition or fresh milk.
Girls, while you have us trapped here,
what the hell is a dessert bar?
Is it cake with alcohol in it?
Or alcohol with cake?
'Cause either way,
nobody wants to make love
after eating a big hunk of pie.
Earl, everybody
understands the concept.
I don't get the dessert
bar thing either.
Who wants to hear from a
human mustard packet?
Randy, Randy, Randy. Zing!
(cheers and applause)
Damn, baby got back.
Thanks for the input, but
I think I know what I'm doing.
I went to Wharton.
Wharton.
That's my last pill.
Hey, every-baby!
(cheers and applause)
Yeah, it's my due date.
This baby is taking longer to come out
than a Catholic from Indiana.
Sophie, do you feel anything?
I mean, besides the
vibrating panties I got you?
Oh, is that what that sound is?
I thought a bee got in here.
Well, I'll be in my booth
waiting for my baby.
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
I'll be your waiter, Han.
Who's the new girl?
I don't like her.
♪
None of these bartenders
have dessert bar experience.
I guess that's because we made it up.
That one guy got drunk
at the M&M's store.
That's in the ballpark.
You just like him 'cause
he gave you candy.
It did not hurt.
Hey. I'm here for the bartender job.
Well, you're not holding your penis,
so you're doing better
than the last guy.
Full disclosure: that guy's
still in the running.
Mine would be here, but
he gets nervous at interviews.
He's funny.
He's an actual bartender.
He's qualified, and he's
still not holding his penis.
You're hired.
Welcome aboard, Randall.
I hate that name.
People call me "Randy."
(scoffs)
And we hate that name. Out you go.
No, no, no. No, no, that's... come on.
He's not gonna bother me.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
My Randy is a
mountain of a man.
But life got in the way.
He lives in LA and I was
starting this dessert bar.
Yeah, she's not over it.
Yeah, and you really pooped
the bed with the name thing.
He could pick me up with one arm
and carry Chinese food with the other.
(giggles) Where'd that guy go?
He disappeared faster
than Adam Lambert.
Max, we need to avoid
any reminders of Randy.
I can't go back to that
depression you were in.
It was so hard for me.
Don't worry.
I'll be okay and so will we.
This is Williamsburg;
you can't spit without
hitting a bartender.
Or an artisanal pickle maker.
Why do we live here?
I'm here for the bartender interview.
(cheers and applause)
Oh, no, you two.
How do we know him?
(gasps) Wait a minute.
Dad?
You're the puppet guy
that tried to sue us
two years and three businesses ago
by saying we injured you.
She broke my puppet.
Wait, we never had sex.
Did we?
Do you wiggle a lot?
I do.
But we didn't.
Anyway, uh, since I changed
psychopharmacologists,
the puppets aren't talking to me
as much.
Here's my résumé.
Please don't call the references.
They're all jealous of me.
Under special skills,
you wrote, "Revenge."
Oh, whoops, that was
supposed to be under
"Favorite TV Shows."
But can't we just let
bygones be bygones?
I mean, really, I've done
a lot of work on myself.
I have found inner peace,
and I've completely...
completely centered myself
through a series of...
of therapy sessions
that became intensely sexual.
Yeah, I know. It's on your résumé.
Him you can call.
We don't like to work with
nemesises.
Nemesi?
Let's just go with
"creepy people that we hate."
Fine.
You two, with your porcelain skin
and your businesses.
I'll go back to my crappy daytime job,
but FYI, Cagney and Lacey,
nobody knows what the
hell a dessert bar is.
What is so hard to understand?
It's signature cocktails
paired with dessert confections.
(groans)
Why do all my enemies
have to be geniuses?
He does seem a lot better.
Max, we open in two days;
we need a bartender.
Look, I will just
take care of the drinks
till we find the right person
not named "Randy."
Max, look around. We did it.
And it only cost every cent we got
from your big movie deal.
And the weed money you were hiding
in that box labeled "not weed money."
(giggles, gasps)
I'm gonna go check out
the bathroom again.
You know you've made it when
you have an industrial flush.
The seat is clean.
You don't even have to hover.
Come on!
Delivery for Max and Caroline.
What are you wearing?
And I don't know how this is possible,
but you have a camel toe.
It's my flower delivery uniform.
I picked up a shift so I could
pay you two shrews faster
and get my diner back.
Now, could you please sign?
I left my bicycle unlocked.
It says, "Max and Caroline,
congratulations on
your dessert bar, Randy."
These are from Randy.
Oh, my God. Get these out of here.
The Upsy Daisies are
our most popular item.
Widows get into fist fights over them.
- (toilet flushes)
- MAX: Yes!
Han, get these out of here.
I can't have her see these. Go.
I will make a notation
that you did not tip.
No 19-digit promo code for you.
♪ ♪
The mail wasn't there,
but that unexplained puddle
in the hallway is thriving.
I'm afraid they're gonna call it a pool
and try to raise our rent.
Good!
I'd love to have friends over
to my puddle for a change.
Our liquor license was
supposed to come today.
We should have gotten mail by now.
We also should have left batteries
in the carbon monoxide detector,
but I got tired of all the beeping.
Do your eyes feel bloodier than usual?
Hey, gals!
Yeah, nope. Still not a mother.
Oh, I'm so bored.
I've Netflix'd, Hulu'd, Amazoned.
I'm about to HBO GO out of my mind.
Sophie, where did you
get those Upsy Daisies?
Oh, Han gave them to me.
Yeah, and he tried to sell me
a time-share in the Poconos.
Yeah, but I got to say,
I was a little intrigued.
Sophie, you shouldn't be down here.
There's a probable
carbon monoxide leak.
You should go check out our pool.
Why did Han give you flowers?
Is he trying to hit that? (chuckles)
Oh, well, he'd have
to reach that first.
No, they were for you guys.
Yeah, Caroline didn't want them.
Yeah, but I'm not above
garbage flowers.
These are from Randy for me.
You!
Max, I didn't want to tell
you about the flowers.
I didn't want to upset you.
If you don't want to upset me,
then why do you chew salad so loudly?
Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline.
I am not mad.
You're not?
No.
It was really nice of
Randy to send flowers
and maybe I should call him.
Bad idea to get in touch with Randy.
Very bad idea, like,
jumpsuits on short women.
What?
He did a nice thing
and I just want to thank him.
We'll thank him together.
You know what people
like to get nowadays?
A handwritten note.
Let me grab my stationery.
It's a Rite Aid receipt so
there's plenty of room.
- Dear Randy...
- You know what?
Just calling Randy is rude.
Since when do you worry about rude?
- You interrupt almost every...
- I want to FaceTime him.
(phone beeping)
That's much worse, and you
just interrupted me Ag...
- Hi, Randy.
- Max!
It's so great to hear from you.
Is Caroline not there,
or is she standing behind you
with her arms folded, looking angry?
My arms aren't folded,
they're on my hips.
And I'm not angry, but Max called you
without my permission.
Hi, Miss Channing.
Max has to get off the phone.
You're embarrassing me.
Max, it took you three months
and a palette of Cheetos
to get over him.
RANDY: You covered the screen,
not the speaker.
You shouldn't be talking to him.
(scoffs)
You shouldn't be
wearing blue eye shadow.
(gasps)
You told me it looked nice
and now I've ruined the receipt
and I can't take it back.
RANDY: Guys, I'm getting whiplash.
You know what?
Everyone just calm down.
I'm just saying thank you.
God-uh!
Sophie, is it time?
Are you in labor?
No. (panting)
I broke my masturbating underwear.
Ah, but you know how that goes.
I do not
and I will not act like I might.
You know, you're a puzzle
that I have no interest in solving.
Here's your mail.
(gasps) The mail.
Our liquor license.
Yeah.
You know what,
I think my masturbating
underwear is short-circuiting,
but... eeh... oh...
but it feels pretty good.
Is not coming because I made
a tiny mistake on the forms?
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
nobody knows what a dessert bar is.
And frankly,
it just makes people angry.
Max, I have bad news.
Oh, my God... you're naked!
I'm saying thank you to Randy.
Looks like Randy is thanking himself.
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
That thank you kind of got away from us.
Max, put your pants on,
we're going downtown.
That's funny, Randy just told me
to take them off for the same reason.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Last time I saw a line this long,
it went up my nose.
And I almost married Katt Williams.
Excuse me?
Is there a different line for people
who just made one tiny mistake
and it's not her fault
'cause she was just
overwhelmed at the time?
Max, we're gonna die here.
Ugh, finally.
I'd give out flyers for the
dessert bar, but I just saw
someone pull an unwrapped
cheese stick out of his pocket.
I can't believe you
filled out a form wrong.
Start a business much?
Uh, in my defense,
this is kind of your fault.
Me? How is it my fault?
I was in a fort made out
of pillows most of July.
Or was it August?
I don't know, you can lose
track of time in a fort.
Exactly.
I had to jackass around this whole city
to get the dessert bar
ready while you were
rolling in the deep,
getting over Randy.
So...
hello from the other side.
Girl fight.
Worldstar.
And now, after all that,
I catch you going down
on Randy's iPhone.
I'm warning you right now,
I am not bathing you again.
Look, there is a mathematical formula
involved in break-up sex.
What do you know about math?
You always leave out six
when you count to ten.
Doesn't mean you're stupid.
A lot of persons do that.
Typically, in a break-up,
if you live in the same city,
you go to the guy's house
to pick up your stuff,
and then you do it.
That's one time.
Then you "forget something"
and he brings it to your place
and then you do it.
That's two.
Then you run into each other at a bar,
do it in the bathroom.
Three.
Then you fake a pregnancy. That's four.
Then he fakes an STD. That's five.
And then you're broken up.
There's been no math.
(scoffs) Five is a number.
Numbers are math. Read a book.
Yeah. Read a book.
Name a book.
The phone book.
This line is for
municipal licenses only.
Not driver's licenses,
wedding licenses, or whatnot.
Municipal licenses.
If you don't know what that is,
you're in the wrong line.
How could you not know what line
you're supposed to be standing in?
(sighs)
Randy, let me call you
back from the bathroom.
I know where it is.
I used to work here.
Max!
Hey, Caroline.
Oh, Max was just thanking
me for the flowers again.
That's why I'm not wearing a shirt.
Or pants.
Uh, let me call you back,
but keep your pants off.
(chuckles)
What? I am not counting that as one.
Were you really gonna spank it
in the middle of the
municipal building?
Spank it?
Don't be crass, Caroline.
Yes.
Next!
Ding ding ding!
It's just some clerical error
so we should be able
to get our license today.
Let me handle this.
You know you have a history of
getting slappy with bureaucrats.
Hi.
We got this in the mail,
and there's been some
teensy little mistake...
Well, well, well!
Him!
I've got this, Moesha.
Why don't you go clean up your little
Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave?
Oh, she's a mess.
Now, how can I
not help you two?
This is your dead-end job?
I pictured you working as a drug mule
or a seat filler on The View.
That's a job?
Dude, I just made a
mistake on the application.
Can't you just give us a break?
Our dessert bar is supposed
to open tomorrow night.
Please?
I gave up a boyfriend for this business,
and I'm gonna mess up
her pretty face if it doesn't work out.
Max, thank you.
I was starting to think you
didn't think I was that pretty.
If we don't fix this, we're
gonna have to delay our opening.
So please?
You know what?
Let me talk to my supervisor.
(audience groans and laughs)
His neck's a little rusty,
but that's a no.
♪
I would make us a drink
but without a liquor license,
all I can make is meth.
This is all my fault.
No, I was in a funk about Randy
and you had to do all
this stuff on your own.
- It's my fault.
- Okay, good.
That's what I really thought,
but I just wanted to make
sure it was out there.
We have zero luck, Max, zero.
I just stopped by to say
I'm sorry about your dessert bar.
You two are unlucky A, F.
That's "As Freddie."
He's a friend of mine.
He's very unlucky.
Earl,
there's no outside liquor.
'Cause it just makes us feel worse.
This ain't outside liquor.
It's from the diner.
Can't you tell by the
beef floating in it?
Oh, my God. It's not from outside.
It's from the diner.
Max, who owns the diner?
Me, you, and an Asian squirrel.
Max, we don't need a
liquor license because...
- We already have one.
- Uh-huh.
Oh! I just did more math.
Still not math!
I haven't seen women move that fast
since the Activia recall.
(gasps)
Here it is!
Oh, my God, Han's
middle name is Margaret.
Sometimes the universe
just gives you a gift.
(together) This entitles the
owner, operator, operators...
That's us!
(together) ...Of the Williamsburg Diner
to serve alcohol to those
persons 21 and over,
reserving the right to
not serve those persons
who do not supply valid ID!
Max, do you know what this means?
I am totally carding Han Margaret
when he comes in our dessert bar,
which is so opening tomorrow night.
Hey, every-baby.
Still preg... achoo!
(water breaks)
(both gasp)
Are you guys seeing this too?
I'm never gonna forget it.
I think my water broke.
Oleg!
Get out here and bring the mop bucket.
Sophie's in labor.
Oh. I'm calling the car right now.
It says "Your Lyft
driver is already here."
Did somebody order a car?
Look, it's Minnie Driver.
Sophie, we're having a baby.
I'm scared.
She should be scared,
she's wearing electric underwear.
♪
Slow, easy breaths.
I am!
I was more talking to myself.
Don't leave me in there alone.
You know I see dead people.
It's coming.
It's coming!
(groaning)
It's here!
The baby?
(horn honks)
Well, a baby.
Oh, good, our goober driver's here.
Aren't I suffering enough
to get the diner back from you two?
I'm already driving for Lyft and Uber
and selling Molly out of
that glove compartment.
Shotgun!
♪ ♪
Han, I hate to hit the stereotype
of Asian women drivers,
but could you speed the hell up?
Do you want to arrive quickly
or do you want to arrive safely?
A teddy bear doesn't count
as carpooling, lady!
I can't have a car baby.
Three of my brothers
were born in the car.
On the way to the woods,
where they were supposed to be born.
Sophie, do you think you could
move your seat up a scooch?
Only because I think my leg is broken.
This reminds me of a road
trip I took one time
with Earth, Wind & Fire.
The car was so cramped,
we had to leave Wind behind.
I feel like someone just left
some wind behind in here.
(honking)
Signal much?
Ow!
Sophie,
smile for the camera.
I don't want to miss a minute.
No Golishevsky man has ever been there
for the birth of his child.
Why, because it's bad luck
to see your wife before she's born?
You tell one story where your
uncle marries his daughter,
and suddenly, you're the incest guy.
Uh-oh.
It's happening.
Oh.
Ah, I can feel the baby's head.
Oh.
(groans)
It's your sandwich.
It's yours now.
All right.
Sophie, you have to
make it to the hospital.
I sold my rare toe-porn collection
to pay for a fancy birthing suite.
I'm gonna give birth
to this baby in style.
I won't have to protect it
from wild animals afterwards,
you know, which is nice.
Sophie, don't get too
comfortable in that suite.
You're gonna need to
drop it like it's hot
the second we get to the hospital.
Max and I have to get ready
for our dessert bar opening.
Baby on board! Move it our lose it!
(honks)
In their defense, it looks like
no one's driving this car.
♪ ♪
Excuse me, doctor? It's been 12 hours.
Is there some way we
could speed this up?
You know, jumping jacks, Indian food,
a C-section?
Does she need to be in here?
Yeah.
Yeah, that one
and the other one over
there are the godparents.
Max.
Yeah, girl.
They're not a couple.
Oleg thinks they do it a little though.
Only 1 centimeter.
I don't feel anything.
It could be a while.
Sophie, you may want
to take off the Spanx.
I'm pregnant.
I'm not dead.
(groans)
Oh, man, tub legs.
I'll be back.
But not because I want to.
Oleg, come on, film the room.
I want our baby to know that
I was treated like a queen.
You know, I think Elton
John had this room
when he gave birth.
I'm sorry, I lost y'all.
I feel asleep on a gurney
and woke up in the morgue.
I scared the pants off
a bunch of med students.
(iPhone chimes)
Ooh, there's my alarm.
I have to go have break-up
phone sex with my ex, Randy.
Like you do.
Well, don't go very far 'cause
Oleg gets fainty in hospitals
and supermarkets
that also sell clothing.
It's just too much.
Max, you and Randy have had
more sex since your break-up
then I had with my college boyfriend.
Granted, he was very busy
with musical theater.
The only time we had sex was
when he was in his Cats' costume
and he asked me to give
him a Rum Tum Tugger.
The rule is
you have sex five times
before you're broken up.
And this is number five.
Historically, the biggest, sweatiest,
and the most butt-centric...
his, not mine.
So... (chuckles)
Do not disturb.
It's facing the wrong way,
and it's very disturbing.
Hey, Randy.
Oh, sorry, I just, uh, just woke up.
Looks like you've been up for awhile.
Mind if I camp under that pup tent?
Can you go roast his
marshmallows somewhere else?
Excuse me, there's a VVVIP
patient coming in
who needs this room.
I don't care what kind
of disease they have.
I'm not going.
(Caroline gasps)
Oh, my God.
That's supermodel Vanessa Nibotito.
(gasps) She's pretty and smart.
It's hard, right girl?
I... I paid for this room.
That giant bag of quarters? That's us!
Is my baby bump
seriously getting bumped
by a poor man's me?
I'm so sorry.
I could send you a copy of my
motherhood book if you'd like.
The lady I paid to write
it did a great job.
Oh, wait... wait a minute, no...
I'm not going anywhere.
No, wait a minute.
Wait, I'm not... no, I'm not going.
You can't make me. No, wait a minute.
Wait a min... oh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, look, I'm getting
a little arm workout here.
Oh, yeah.
♪ ♪
Sophie, the hospital is saying
they bounced us from the room
because we took too long.
They're offering us a cot
near the burn unit of the ICU.
Well,
ICU don't understand that
I'm not having this baby
until I get back in my suite.
That's a hard "no," Chris.
Guess who just flirted her way
into a free carpal tunnel glove?
Some girls flirt their way
into a sugar daddy;
I get medical supplies.
And more good news...
Did you get me my room back?
No, those days are over.
We're hallway people now.
But I was able to print out
flyers for our dessert bar.
I'd love to give them a rounded edge.
Do you have scissors?
Are you kidding me?
Of course I do. Look in my bag.
Sophie, they're offering
us a full-size bed,
but it's in an MRI machine.
I think we should take it.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
We have a ramp.
Excuse me, coming through.
Coming through.
A-lister about to give birth.
Oh, my God.
Celebrity doctor, Nancy Gonzales!
You know, I wear your perfume.
Nancy, you might have heard,
dessert bar opening tonight.
Someone needs to control
the hallway people.
MAX: (giggles) Randy.
Max! (gasps)
That wasn't me,
it was naughty nurse Wanda.
I was about to give Wanda a shot.
Well, she was gonna give it to herself,
but I was gonna tell her
exactly how to do it.
Max, isn't playing doctor in a hospital
a little on the nose?
I like to be on theme.
We can play pirate and lusty wench
when I'm in a Long John Silver's.
No, you won't because
we're not allowed in there
for that very reason.
Plus, didn't you already
have your fifth time?
You see, Caroline,
break-up sex in LA is six times.
It's the DeVito-Perlman rule.
Rhea forgot her yoga mat,
and five limoncellos later,
boom!
The rest is history.
He's a lawyer so we
have to listen to him.
♪ ♪
Dessert bar opening tonight.
Sophie, any progress in your nethers?
'Cause our dessert bar
opens in five hours,
and it promises I'll
be there on the flyer.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
I'll be there.
Did you really have to
refer to yourself as
"New York's Own Caroline Channing"?
She's coming.
Hallway people, clear a path.
Oh.
(cameras snapping)
Congratulations
because you're invited to
our dessert bar opening.
You can bring the baby if you want,
but I wouldn't love it.
What's dessert?
I'm still tweeting that she's coming.
I'm taking the suite back, girls.
Roll me in!
Yeah, we're not hallway people anymore.
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
(gasps) Ooh.
How long can sushi be sitting out?
Ooh, not that long.
What about this one?
Max, don't.
It promises on the flyer
that you'll be at the
dessert bar opening too.
It's in smaller letters,
but it's there.
Oh. I got here as fast as I could.
To take the baby out?
No, to see the model.
Um, she's gone.
She kept saying,
"Where's Doctor Gomulka?"
Really?
No, no one's ever said that.
Well, since I'm already disappointed,
I guess I'll take a
look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how
I love to have a snack
when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop
and grab you some
chocolate-heavy trail mix
and some Hubba Bubba.
Oh, and Oleg!
Turn the bag upside down and... oh.
(laughs) He knows.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say
it'll be at least five hours.
Achoo!
(baby crying)
And that's how I lost my house.
Nurse, I need something
to cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, I... wait, wait.
You're in luck.
- Aww.
- (baby crying)
ALL: Aww.
Sophie,
you did great.
You're a mother.
Also, gesundheit.
Aw, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby!
And Oleg missed it.
Oh, and he had his heart set
on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never gonna forgive himself!
He's never, never, never,
never, never, never...
Please, Sophie, calm down.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you
know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to
help you fake a birth?
You'll be fine. You've faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
♪ ♪
We have to make Oleg
pass out long enough to bring
the baby in and make him
think he just missed
a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you
wish you never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming. Places.
(panting)
Sorry it took so long,
but the lady in front of me
paid for her Jujubes
with a third-party check.
(groaning) Oh, I'm in pain!
Oh, I'm about to have a baby
for the first time!
Okay. I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto and
what I'm now realizing
was a laxative.
Oleg,
you stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there is some seriously
birthy stuff going on down here.
Oh, should we get a doctor?
Even a girl one?
There's no time!
Because of all the oozing gunk!
(groans)
Push, Sophie, push!
(straining)
You... you... you...
you did this to me
with your gorgeous penis!
We're both sorry!
Max, anything else disgusting
going on down there?
Oh, yeah, we got a real
sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's
a lot of placenta goo.
Oy, oy, oy, oy...
I haven't been this woozy
since I was in a Super Target.
I'm not going down.
- (groaning)
- I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is
fighting through the slime!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, girls, quick.
He's down. Get the baby!
Oh, my God. All right.
All right, now, to wake him up,
yell "immigration" or tickle his...
Immigration!
What'd I miss?
Look, Oleg.
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bejoonie,
just like her mama.
She's beautiful, just like her mama.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold her?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Look.
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world
before you start giving her bad news.
Hello, baby.
Barbara!
Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky!
Oh, that sounds real musical,
doesn't it?
Depends what kind of
music you listen to.
Aww, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite?
SOPHIE: Yeah.
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm gonna teach you
how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
♪ ♪
(gasps) Look at all those people
at our door.
And not a torch in the mix.
CAROLINA: Oh, Earl.
Are you lost again?
The diner is next door!
Don't confuse him. He's our bouncer.
You're our bouncer!
Now, you don't really expect
everybody on this list
to show up, now, do you?
'Cause Liam Hemsworth
and I are in a Twitter feud.
Okay, some of it may have
been wishful thinking,
but I did text 2 Chainz.
We met him on a private plane once.
I gave him my digits.
Uh, 2 Chainz, is that
a person or a dress code?
It's both.
(audience cheers)
Earl, 2 Chainz is a famous rapper.
Oh, my God, 2 Chainz is here... ah!
I'm letting 2 Chainz the famous
rapper in before we open.
What's up, Double C?
She prefers to be called,
"New York's Own Double C."
Sup?
I can't believe you made
it to our dessert bar.
I can't believe anybody
knows what a dessert bar is.
Are you kidding?
Sugar and alcohol go hand in hand.
It's two great tastes
that taste great together.
Like how I seamlessly fuse
new-school and old-school flows.
Well, now I get it.
Why didn't you just say that, girls?
Now, can I get one of
those flan-tinis, please?
Look, sorry I didn't
recognize you, 2 Chainz.
I let my subscription
to Vibe expire in 1984.
Oh, that's okay.
I think they give discounts
for return customers.
Oh, really?
Well, well, well!
Look who opened up a bar
after I denied them a liquor license.
Well, well, well, look who decided
to wear ladies' pants
hoping no one would notice.
J. Petto, what are you doing here?
How did you know we were opening?
I definitely didn't give you a flyer.
I follow 2 Chainz on Twitter,
sometimes in my car.
Just so you know,
I have 911 on speed dial.
Our liquor license, sir.
Uh, this belongs to
the Williamsburg Diner.
They're the same property.
We own the diner.
They're related,
like Alec and whoever
the grossest Baldwin is.
Daniel.
You can't use another
establishment's liquor license.
I'm shutting you two down
and I'm slapping the owner of the diner
with a $25,000 fine.
Who is this bitch?
Just some mean, little man with
nothing better to do on a Friday
night than ruin our lives.
Not true; I'm taking my aunt
to drag bingo right after this.
Well, girls,
I managed to make it here
after this dog fornicated
his way across Greenpoint.
(chuckles) Been there.
Done that.
Here's $300.
My earnings after working 12 jobs
and being robbed 4 times.
Twice by the same girl.
You can have your diner back.
We feel bad about taking it from you,
and also the owner of the diner owes
old butt-chin here and
the city $25,000.
What?
The diner is mine again?
Yeah, sorry.
(gasps)
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
I have my baby back.
You have baby everything.
I'm shutting you down
for 14 business days.
And you're getting a bill in the mail
with very confusing instructions.
And...
I'm having my birthday here.
Let's bounce, 2 Chainz.
So long, pal.
You're gonna have to find someone else
to use as a chew toy.
Oh, man.
Sorry about the bar, girls.
I mean, guess I'm gonna
have to get me a bottle of rosé
and head over to Mrs. Fields' again.
Does she have a sister?
Or a color TV?
See you later, girls.
It look like I'm gonna go party
with the old man right here.
(indistinct chatter)
Can you guys just give
us another minute?
Or 14 business days?
The only thing that opened
and closed faster than us
was Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.
Well, at least I didn't get
a blow out for this.
That lessens the sting
of a failed opening.
Are you kidding?
I think this is gonna
make us more popular.
You know how people always
want what they can't have.
Like you with everything.
If that's true, then
why do you look upset?
'Cause Randy and I
are really broken up.
We burned through the
Affleck-Garner clause,
the Cox-Arquette addendum.
As soon as we got to the
Bieber-Gomez principle,
we were ashamed of ourselves.
Max, you're the queen
of not following the rules.
"Rules, schmules," you say.
Yes!
Rules, schmules!
And condoms, schmondoms.
Yeah, that one's not great.
What I'm saying is you make stuff up.
Like this dessert bar.
And that was a great idea.
So you should make up
rules for you and Randy.
'Cause it really seems like
you guys care about each other.
Yeah, you're right.
Break-up, schmake-up.
Now, go call Randy
and make me want to burn my iPad.
Go, I'm begging you.
Yeah, we're gonna kill it
in 14 business days.
♪ ♪
(cash register bell dings)
(upbeat rock music)
♪