2 Broke Girls (2011–2017): Season 4, Episode 22 - And the Disappointing Unit - full transcript
In the fourth season finale, Max and Caroline are tasked with retrieving Sophie's wedding dress from customs and safely transporting it to the church in time for her big wedding.
[rock music]
Girls, I need your attention.
You also need a booster
seat for most places.
No, I came out to tell
you some big news.
You also came out when
you wore that sweater
to work today.
John Mayer wore this sweater in Details.
Tonight, we are trying
family-style service.
I thought family-style
service was what I had to do
with my uncle.
Well, my family-style
is more "potluck"...
heavy on the pot, not
so heavy on the luck.
Why would a family come here?
If I see a child in here,
I'm calling the police.
It's like seeing a dog
locked in a hot car.
Chicken cacciatore, family-style.
Liver and onions, family-style.
Spaghetti and meatballs,
my family-style,
which means the balls are kinda small,
but the noodles are extra long.
You bring out the food in large bowls
and the customers serve themselves,
as they've been doing
since I hired you two.
Good idea, Han.
The diner food does
belong in a big bowl...
the toilet bowl.
I don't know what your uncle saw in you.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]
Max, I just found something
very upsetting on my phone.
Another free U2 album?
Worse.
And worse than an e-vite
to a friend's improv show.
It's an e-mail from
the managing director
of all The High restaurants
saying he's seen our sales
and is disappointed with my performance.
Duh-lete...
like I do with all
the "disappointed in
your performance" texts
I get from guys after sex.
Sorry, gents! My boobs make a promise
my bad back can't deliver.
Those bad sales numbers
are not our fault.
Our unit's out at the airport.
Well, I'm not taking ownership of this
because my unit is not at the airport.
It's in my bed table drawer.
I'm the manager. It's on me.
As is this tartar stain.
It just refuses to come out.
You'd think it's parents were Baptist.
[bell rings]
Well, Manager, I need
to get out of there
early tomorrow to do
Sophie's wedding cake,
and also because you're
annoying as a boss.
Hey, everybody!
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...
I love being a bride. You
don't even have to pretend
it's about anyone else.
Kinda like me, when I was rich.
Pretty much every single day still.
Good news, bad news. The good news is
the rash is not spreading past my nuts.
And that's the good news.
Bad news... the wedding donkey we booked
for the church service died.
I'll ask the obvious question.
Did it have anything
to do with the rash?
I mean, what are we gonna do?
It's not a traditional Polish wedding
without an ass walking down the aisle.
I think Oleg's got that covered.
Girls, we need an ass,
you have a horse...
same family, but not related,
like the Jolie-Pitt kids.
No way. Chestnut is my baby.
Well, the donkey was
getting a thousand bucks.
Baby's gotta work.
[rock music]
Wow, business is slower
than the third season
of House of Cards.
You know what's doing great business?
It's my new Grindr profile.
Changed my screen name
to "Suction Junction".
That damn Cinnabon next door
is taking all our business.
What kind of low lives
would prefer those
to these fine desserts?
I found a secret pathway
to the Cinnabon kitchen!
Move, bitch!
Really? You too? I just don't get it.
It's an acquired taste,
like crystal meth.
[cell phone chimes]
Ugh.
Great. My waiter's gonna be late again.
"Held up at the TSA line."
That's what I get for
hiring an airport waiter
named Mohammed Machdinajihad.
Oh, look, Ronnie, a new place.
I see it, Bonnie, I'm right next to you.
Didn't this used to be
the bar we got wasted in
before our flights?
I can't remember. I was wasted.
[both laugh]
Welcome to The High...
the finest in high quality desserts.
We also have yogurts,
cappuccinos, lattes, coffee,
herb teas, or smart waters.
And did I mention
we're a Boingo Hotspot?
Take it down a notch.
You're selling it harder
than Anne Hathaway
on The Tonight Show.
Oh, hi, I'm not here
to buy, just to look.
On a diet... since 1998.
Oh dear lord, those look amazing.
- Can I just smell a piece?
- Bonnie, don't.
It'll get you going, and
then halfway to Paris,
I'll find you in coach binging
on a bag of Sun Chips.
That's my favorite thing about the job.
[both laughing]
Oh, Paris reminds me.
I bought two first class
tickets to Paris...
on three credit cards
that will escalate 20%
over six years... anyway...
I really need to return them.
What's the window on
that with your airline?
A month... about the same
amount of time I have
until this fake smile
finally falls off my face.
Lady, we're flight attendants.
If that smile falls off your face,
you're gonna have to
get a job at Southwest.
Why are you returning them?
You don't like Paris?
J'adore Paris, but long story short...
Uh, I'll make it short
because she's incapable
and will throw in lots
more of that fake French.
Bought the tickets so that
I could get to the gate
to see a guy I was banging.
I hear ya.
I once hid in the luggage
cart for 12 hours
to do it with this cute guy
who works at Customs here.
Oh, right. Rick. What's he doing now?
Me, every third Tuesday.
[laughing]
Ahh, don't leave me hanging, ladies.
Ah. If we hadn't just read Lean In
in our wine club... I mean book club...
We'd be real jealous of you gals.
We always had a dream to
open a shop at the airport.
Well, whatever it is, just don't open
near a Cinnabon because failure smells
a hell of a lot like cinnamon.
(female voice) Final boarding call
for flight 24 to Paris.
Final boarding call.
Final boarding call? We better hurry.
[both laughing]
Wow, everything looks
so much smaller in here
than I remembered it.
Like returning to your
old high school...
or your old high school
boyfriend's penis.
Not mine. I went to
an urban high school.
What's that weird smell?
Probably that milk.
It's been in here so long,
its own photo was on the carton.
No, it's over here. Really pungent.
Yes!
Mm... I might owe you two some rent.
Unless you wanna settle in weed.
I always wanna settle in weed.
In fact, I plan to retire there.
Marijuana's in the closet?
This is more shocking than
Meredith Baxter-Birney.
Look, I figured since you two
abandoned the cupcake shop,
this space was available.
Also, I stopped asking
permission for stuff
when I turned 70.
We did not abandon it.
We just haven't paid
attention to it in 3 months,
like me with any hair
above my mid-thigh.
Tell me about it.
When you bend over in that skirt,
it looks like you're giving
birth to Art Garfunkel.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
Oh, good. Earl, you're here.
Yes, I am. Don't tell
any of my ex-wives.
Earl, would you do me the honor
and walk me down the
aisle tomorrow night?
Sophie, sorry.
I didn't know your father was dead.
Did he die upon meeting Oleg?
Oh, he's not dead,
but I'm not getting
upstaged by an iron lung.
Well, Earl, how could you say no
to such a heartfelt request?
I'd be honored, Sophie.
Like the wedding saying goes,
Something old, something new,
something borrowed,
and someone black.
Oh, Caroline, look.
Here are the pink ribbons for Chestnut.
Chestnut has to be
covered in girly ribbons?
I can't do that to my boy.
I'll throw in another 50.
I guess there's a reason "horse" sounds
so much like "whore."
Now, we're all gonna leave
for the church at 6:00,
but I told Earl 4:00,
'cause, well... You know.
- ♪ Mm-hm hm hmm ♪
- What's happening over there?
Max, you're humming!
[scoffs] What?
[laughs] Please...
I am not a hummer.
I mean, I'll drive in them,
I'll give them, but I am not one.
[continues humming]
Oh, my God, I am humming!
What's wrong with me?
What am I gonna do next, smile?
That's right! Today's special promotion,
in and out in five minutes
or your dessert is half off.
Eat it, Cinnabon.
Pear tart and a coffee.
Come on, I'm on a clock here.
Who had the damn pear tart and a coffee?
Max, hurry! Five minutes, in and out!
Yeah, the one thing
you don't have to explain
to me is "in and out."
I need help! I never said I was fast.
All my high school
guidance counselors did,
but I did not.
I'll go get John off break
because my waiter still isn't here.
This whole Middle East situation
is just so inconvenient for me.
Okay, now we have a real situation.
You hit someone. Damn it, Max.
It's not about me. It's Sophie.
Her gown arrived from Poland
and it's stuck in customs out here.
(Sophie on phone) My gown!
My beautiful gown!
[screaming] Oh, my God! My gown!
Wow. She is really upset.
Really upset,
'cause this isn't even on speaker.
Yes, it's awful, but
look on the bright side.
Our certain-to-be-hideous
bridesmaids dresses
are stuck in customs too.
No, those arrived.
Damn it! First, it's the Middle East,
now those dresses.
I cannot catch a break.
Wow, this place is packed.
Remember us? Bonnie and Ronnie?
We knew you when.
Hey, wait, uh, Ronnie,
didn't you say that you
boned a guy in customs?
That was Bonnie. I have standards...
and he didn't like me.
To be clear, I did have
sex with the customs guy,
but not in customs.
It was in one of those family bathrooms.
Look, is there any way you could help us
get a package out of customs?
Wait... What bra am I wearing?
Oh, done!
[both laugh]
John, we're leaving. You're in charge.
Max! We can't leave right now.
The wedding's not till tonight
and we're in the middle
of a store promotion and we're losing.
You know I'm gonna kill you, right?
I just have to figure out how.
Top contender is hooking your necklace
on the front gate and pushing up.
We'll stay as late as possible.
Just pick up Sophie's dress
box and hop on the subway.
Easy peasy.
(male announcer)
Watch the closing doors, please.
[struggling] Ugh... oho...
Why is nothing easy peasy?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(male voice) Watch the
closing doors, please.
I am watching the doors!
It's hard not to. They're
about to eat my box.
[laughing]
[mocking laugh]
Yeah, real funny, sir.
A girl said, "Eat my box." Grow up.
[whimper] Jeez! How could
a dress be this big?
This is just the veil.
I have to get something out of my bag.
Hold this by yourself for a second.
[groans]
I can't find it. Here, take this.
What is this?
A hundred dollars in change.
We need it for the wedding.
It's a Polish custom
to throw change at the bride.
Loose change? Live animals?
Is this a wedding or a cock fight?
Max, this is heavy!
What do you have to get out of your bag?
- Something important.
- What is it?
The rest of my Cinnabon.
Max, that's our competition!
The reason for our failure
is that piece of crap.
I mean, I ca...
Oh, my God, this is delicious!
No! Max, he's got the money bag.
[yelp] [scattering coins]
No... No! No, no, no!
That is our Polish bride money!
Back off!
This is not the day
to the screw with me.
I'm at the business bottom
and I've had nothing to lose since 2011.
[screeching brakes] [loud clunk]
(male voice) Queen's Plaza.
Yup. That's what would happen next.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
What's the hold up back there?
People are placing bets
that I'm halfway to Reno
with a hooker and the wedding cash.
Relax. After that subway,
Max and Caroline needed
some time to freshen up.
They came smelling
like that diner cheese
I tell you all is still good.
Hey, everybody!
We look just like Sophie!
I am so relieved.
I thought I'd be way overdressed
but I'm just under-boobed.
Yeah, we were in a hurry
or I would have loaned
her a cup of mine.
All right.
Oleg, stop looking at us like that.
It's okay. I'm marrying you.
You guys look like the Four Tops.
Well, two tops and a bottom.
Oleg, Sophie doesn't
want you to see her.
Jump on Chestnut and
start down the aisle.
And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.
I know you never wanted to do drag.
And, Han, you're supposed to take this
in case something happens in the aisle.
This just went from
best man to worst job.
[bombastic music]
♪ ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
Hi.
What do you think, girls?
Do I look like a virgin?
[horns sound]
I heard the tubas. That's my cue!
Go, girls. Go!
[brassy folk music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Oh, God!
Her dress almost killed us
and now it killed Earl.
[gasps] Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
[organ music]
Time for the vows.
Bring the crowns!
And crowned is married...
[drawn out] with honor.
Ohhh...
Raise the crowns to their heads.
Better go. This is as good as
it's gonna get without a ladder.
I, Sophie Kachinsky...
take you, Oleg Golishevsky
to love and to cherish,
to have and to hold,
never to leave your side
'til death comes to take me.
I, Oleg Golishevsky,
take you, Sophie Kachinsky,
to love and to cherish,
to have and to hold,
never to leave your side
'til death comes to take me.
I pronounce you husband and wife!
[applause]
Max, now you throw the coins.
[coins clunking faintly]
Long story.
Wow, girl, your fingers work fast.
[giggles] Must be from years
of opening those 501 button-fly jeans...
Mine and others'.
Max, I'm done waiting. I need that piece
of cake right now.
We just had a close call in the air.
So close, we gave the
finger to the pilot
in the plane next to us.
We almost crashed, and I didn't wanna
go down screaming,
"I should have opened a daycare center!"
I usually go down screaming,
"You didn't buy me dinner!"
Bonnie, let's admit it.
We're never gonna go for our dream,
just like we never went
to get those colonics.
If we really wanted our own business,
we would have done it already,
like Max and Caroline did.
You're right, we did.
John, cut these two the biggest piece
of coconut macadamia nut cake we have.
Oh my god. I think I just climaxed.
Well, then pull your panties on
and slink the hell out
like you usually do.
[both laugh]
Caroline, I need to talk to you.
What are you doing?
Working! I'm very sick.
Bonnie and Ronnie out there
just reminded me of something.
I mean, besides two aunts
drunk on vacation.
We have our own business.
The High isn't our failure.
We already have our very own failure
called Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
And if we stay here, we're building
someone else's dream, not ours.
Also, if we stay,
your ass will be the size of a house.
I mean, when was the last
time you felt happy here?
Like 30 seconds ago
when you said this place
wasn't our failure and I
remembered I was holding
another one of these in my other hand.
Let's get out of this airport.
We never have to see another
Nicholas Sparks novel again.
First, we have to get rid
of those two plane tickets to Paris.
Do we?
I mean, if we're gonna fail
we can still do that after
a week in Paris, right?
Right.
I'm so stoked! I've never
been in first class.
Except, Max, this is coach.
I got a refund on one ticket
and traded in the other
to buy two coach tickets
and to pay for a cheap hotel.
I'm so stoked. I've never been in coach.
[giggles] And also so
we have money to spend.
We should be able to do
Paris for a week on $12.
Of course, we can.
What's the difference between
coach and first, anyway?
The champagne.
We'll be back with the good crackers,
and I don't mean us.
[both laugh]
Well, partner, after all we've been
through this year, whatever comes next,
I kinda feel ready for it.
(Bonnie) Flight crew,
prepare for take-off.
[humming]
Hey, now you're humming.
I am?
Hey, can I trade this in for a beer?
Girls, I need your attention.
You also need a booster
seat for most places.
No, I came out to tell
you some big news.
You also came out when
you wore that sweater
to work today.
John Mayer wore this sweater in Details.
Tonight, we are trying
family-style service.
I thought family-style
service was what I had to do
with my uncle.
Well, my family-style
is more "potluck"...
heavy on the pot, not
so heavy on the luck.
Why would a family come here?
If I see a child in here,
I'm calling the police.
It's like seeing a dog
locked in a hot car.
Chicken cacciatore, family-style.
Liver and onions, family-style.
Spaghetti and meatballs,
my family-style,
which means the balls are kinda small,
but the noodles are extra long.
You bring out the food in large bowls
and the customers serve themselves,
as they've been doing
since I hired you two.
Good idea, Han.
The diner food does
belong in a big bowl...
the toilet bowl.
I don't know what your uncle saw in you.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]
Max, I just found something
very upsetting on my phone.
Another free U2 album?
Worse.
And worse than an e-vite
to a friend's improv show.
It's an e-mail from
the managing director
of all The High restaurants
saying he's seen our sales
and is disappointed with my performance.
Duh-lete...
like I do with all
the "disappointed in
your performance" texts
I get from guys after sex.
Sorry, gents! My boobs make a promise
my bad back can't deliver.
Those bad sales numbers
are not our fault.
Our unit's out at the airport.
Well, I'm not taking ownership of this
because my unit is not at the airport.
It's in my bed table drawer.
I'm the manager. It's on me.
As is this tartar stain.
It just refuses to come out.
You'd think it's parents were Baptist.
[bell rings]
Well, Manager, I need
to get out of there
early tomorrow to do
Sophie's wedding cake,
and also because you're
annoying as a boss.
Hey, everybody!
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me...
I love being a bride. You
don't even have to pretend
it's about anyone else.
Kinda like me, when I was rich.
Pretty much every single day still.
Good news, bad news. The good news is
the rash is not spreading past my nuts.
And that's the good news.
Bad news... the wedding donkey we booked
for the church service died.
I'll ask the obvious question.
Did it have anything
to do with the rash?
I mean, what are we gonna do?
It's not a traditional Polish wedding
without an ass walking down the aisle.
I think Oleg's got that covered.
Girls, we need an ass,
you have a horse...
same family, but not related,
like the Jolie-Pitt kids.
No way. Chestnut is my baby.
Well, the donkey was
getting a thousand bucks.
Baby's gotta work.
[rock music]
Wow, business is slower
than the third season
of House of Cards.
You know what's doing great business?
It's my new Grindr profile.
Changed my screen name
to "Suction Junction".
That damn Cinnabon next door
is taking all our business.
What kind of low lives
would prefer those
to these fine desserts?
I found a secret pathway
to the Cinnabon kitchen!
Move, bitch!
Really? You too? I just don't get it.
It's an acquired taste,
like crystal meth.
[cell phone chimes]
Ugh.
Great. My waiter's gonna be late again.
"Held up at the TSA line."
That's what I get for
hiring an airport waiter
named Mohammed Machdinajihad.
Oh, look, Ronnie, a new place.
I see it, Bonnie, I'm right next to you.
Didn't this used to be
the bar we got wasted in
before our flights?
I can't remember. I was wasted.
[both laugh]
Welcome to The High...
the finest in high quality desserts.
We also have yogurts,
cappuccinos, lattes, coffee,
herb teas, or smart waters.
And did I mention
we're a Boingo Hotspot?
Take it down a notch.
You're selling it harder
than Anne Hathaway
on The Tonight Show.
Oh, hi, I'm not here
to buy, just to look.
On a diet... since 1998.
Oh dear lord, those look amazing.
- Can I just smell a piece?
- Bonnie, don't.
It'll get you going, and
then halfway to Paris,
I'll find you in coach binging
on a bag of Sun Chips.
That's my favorite thing about the job.
[both laughing]
Oh, Paris reminds me.
I bought two first class
tickets to Paris...
on three credit cards
that will escalate 20%
over six years... anyway...
I really need to return them.
What's the window on
that with your airline?
A month... about the same
amount of time I have
until this fake smile
finally falls off my face.
Lady, we're flight attendants.
If that smile falls off your face,
you're gonna have to
get a job at Southwest.
Why are you returning them?
You don't like Paris?
J'adore Paris, but long story short...
Uh, I'll make it short
because she's incapable
and will throw in lots
more of that fake French.
Bought the tickets so that
I could get to the gate
to see a guy I was banging.
I hear ya.
I once hid in the luggage
cart for 12 hours
to do it with this cute guy
who works at Customs here.
Oh, right. Rick. What's he doing now?
Me, every third Tuesday.
[laughing]
Ahh, don't leave me hanging, ladies.
Ah. If we hadn't just read Lean In
in our wine club... I mean book club...
We'd be real jealous of you gals.
We always had a dream to
open a shop at the airport.
Well, whatever it is, just don't open
near a Cinnabon because failure smells
a hell of a lot like cinnamon.
(female voice) Final boarding call
for flight 24 to Paris.
Final boarding call.
Final boarding call? We better hurry.
[both laughing]
Wow, everything looks
so much smaller in here
than I remembered it.
Like returning to your
old high school...
or your old high school
boyfriend's penis.
Not mine. I went to
an urban high school.
What's that weird smell?
Probably that milk.
It's been in here so long,
its own photo was on the carton.
No, it's over here. Really pungent.
Yes!
Mm... I might owe you two some rent.
Unless you wanna settle in weed.
I always wanna settle in weed.
In fact, I plan to retire there.
Marijuana's in the closet?
This is more shocking than
Meredith Baxter-Birney.
Look, I figured since you two
abandoned the cupcake shop,
this space was available.
Also, I stopped asking
permission for stuff
when I turned 70.
We did not abandon it.
We just haven't paid
attention to it in 3 months,
like me with any hair
above my mid-thigh.
Tell me about it.
When you bend over in that skirt,
it looks like you're giving
birth to Art Garfunkel.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
Oh, good. Earl, you're here.
Yes, I am. Don't tell
any of my ex-wives.
Earl, would you do me the honor
and walk me down the
aisle tomorrow night?
Sophie, sorry.
I didn't know your father was dead.
Did he die upon meeting Oleg?
Oh, he's not dead,
but I'm not getting
upstaged by an iron lung.
Well, Earl, how could you say no
to such a heartfelt request?
I'd be honored, Sophie.
Like the wedding saying goes,
Something old, something new,
something borrowed,
and someone black.
Oh, Caroline, look.
Here are the pink ribbons for Chestnut.
Chestnut has to be
covered in girly ribbons?
I can't do that to my boy.
I'll throw in another 50.
I guess there's a reason "horse" sounds
so much like "whore."
Now, we're all gonna leave
for the church at 6:00,
but I told Earl 4:00,
'cause, well... You know.
- ♪ Mm-hm hm hmm ♪
- What's happening over there?
Max, you're humming!
[scoffs] What?
[laughs] Please...
I am not a hummer.
I mean, I'll drive in them,
I'll give them, but I am not one.
[continues humming]
Oh, my God, I am humming!
What's wrong with me?
What am I gonna do next, smile?
That's right! Today's special promotion,
in and out in five minutes
or your dessert is half off.
Eat it, Cinnabon.
Pear tart and a coffee.
Come on, I'm on a clock here.
Who had the damn pear tart and a coffee?
Max, hurry! Five minutes, in and out!
Yeah, the one thing
you don't have to explain
to me is "in and out."
I need help! I never said I was fast.
All my high school
guidance counselors did,
but I did not.
I'll go get John off break
because my waiter still isn't here.
This whole Middle East situation
is just so inconvenient for me.
Okay, now we have a real situation.
You hit someone. Damn it, Max.
It's not about me. It's Sophie.
Her gown arrived from Poland
and it's stuck in customs out here.
(Sophie on phone) My gown!
My beautiful gown!
[screaming] Oh, my God! My gown!
Wow. She is really upset.
Really upset,
'cause this isn't even on speaker.
Yes, it's awful, but
look on the bright side.
Our certain-to-be-hideous
bridesmaids dresses
are stuck in customs too.
No, those arrived.
Damn it! First, it's the Middle East,
now those dresses.
I cannot catch a break.
Wow, this place is packed.
Remember us? Bonnie and Ronnie?
We knew you when.
Hey, wait, uh, Ronnie,
didn't you say that you
boned a guy in customs?
That was Bonnie. I have standards...
and he didn't like me.
To be clear, I did have
sex with the customs guy,
but not in customs.
It was in one of those family bathrooms.
Look, is there any way you could help us
get a package out of customs?
Wait... What bra am I wearing?
Oh, done!
[both laugh]
John, we're leaving. You're in charge.
Max! We can't leave right now.
The wedding's not till tonight
and we're in the middle
of a store promotion and we're losing.
You know I'm gonna kill you, right?
I just have to figure out how.
Top contender is hooking your necklace
on the front gate and pushing up.
We'll stay as late as possible.
Just pick up Sophie's dress
box and hop on the subway.
Easy peasy.
(male announcer)
Watch the closing doors, please.
[struggling] Ugh... oho...
Why is nothing easy peasy?
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(male voice) Watch the
closing doors, please.
I am watching the doors!
It's hard not to. They're
about to eat my box.
[laughing]
[mocking laugh]
Yeah, real funny, sir.
A girl said, "Eat my box." Grow up.
[whimper] Jeez! How could
a dress be this big?
This is just the veil.
I have to get something out of my bag.
Hold this by yourself for a second.
[groans]
I can't find it. Here, take this.
What is this?
A hundred dollars in change.
We need it for the wedding.
It's a Polish custom
to throw change at the bride.
Loose change? Live animals?
Is this a wedding or a cock fight?
Max, this is heavy!
What do you have to get out of your bag?
- Something important.
- What is it?
The rest of my Cinnabon.
Max, that's our competition!
The reason for our failure
is that piece of crap.
I mean, I ca...
Oh, my God, this is delicious!
No! Max, he's got the money bag.
[yelp] [scattering coins]
No... No! No, no, no!
That is our Polish bride money!
Back off!
This is not the day
to the screw with me.
I'm at the business bottom
and I've had nothing to lose since 2011.
[screeching brakes] [loud clunk]
(male voice) Queen's Plaza.
Yup. That's what would happen next.
[rock music]
♪ ♪
What's the hold up back there?
People are placing bets
that I'm halfway to Reno
with a hooker and the wedding cash.
Relax. After that subway,
Max and Caroline needed
some time to freshen up.
They came smelling
like that diner cheese
I tell you all is still good.
Hey, everybody!
We look just like Sophie!
I am so relieved.
I thought I'd be way overdressed
but I'm just under-boobed.
Yeah, we were in a hurry
or I would have loaned
her a cup of mine.
All right.
Oleg, stop looking at us like that.
It's okay. I'm marrying you.
You guys look like the Four Tops.
Well, two tops and a bottom.
Oleg, Sophie doesn't
want you to see her.
Jump on Chestnut and
start down the aisle.
And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.
I know you never wanted to do drag.
And, Han, you're supposed to take this
in case something happens in the aisle.
This just went from
best man to worst job.
[bombastic music]
♪ ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
Hi.
What do you think, girls?
Do I look like a virgin?
[horns sound]
I heard the tubas. That's my cue!
Go, girls. Go!
[brassy folk music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Oh, God!
Her dress almost killed us
and now it killed Earl.
[gasps] Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
[organ music]
Time for the vows.
Bring the crowns!
And crowned is married...
[drawn out] with honor.
Ohhh...
Raise the crowns to their heads.
Better go. This is as good as
it's gonna get without a ladder.
I, Sophie Kachinsky...
take you, Oleg Golishevsky
to love and to cherish,
to have and to hold,
never to leave your side
'til death comes to take me.
I, Oleg Golishevsky,
take you, Sophie Kachinsky,
to love and to cherish,
to have and to hold,
never to leave your side
'til death comes to take me.
I pronounce you husband and wife!
[applause]
Max, now you throw the coins.
[coins clunking faintly]
Long story.
Wow, girl, your fingers work fast.
[giggles] Must be from years
of opening those 501 button-fly jeans...
Mine and others'.
Max, I'm done waiting. I need that piece
of cake right now.
We just had a close call in the air.
So close, we gave the
finger to the pilot
in the plane next to us.
We almost crashed, and I didn't wanna
go down screaming,
"I should have opened a daycare center!"
I usually go down screaming,
"You didn't buy me dinner!"
Bonnie, let's admit it.
We're never gonna go for our dream,
just like we never went
to get those colonics.
If we really wanted our own business,
we would have done it already,
like Max and Caroline did.
You're right, we did.
John, cut these two the biggest piece
of coconut macadamia nut cake we have.
Oh my god. I think I just climaxed.
Well, then pull your panties on
and slink the hell out
like you usually do.
[both laugh]
Caroline, I need to talk to you.
What are you doing?
Working! I'm very sick.
Bonnie and Ronnie out there
just reminded me of something.
I mean, besides two aunts
drunk on vacation.
We have our own business.
The High isn't our failure.
We already have our very own failure
called Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
And if we stay here, we're building
someone else's dream, not ours.
Also, if we stay,
your ass will be the size of a house.
I mean, when was the last
time you felt happy here?
Like 30 seconds ago
when you said this place
wasn't our failure and I
remembered I was holding
another one of these in my other hand.
Let's get out of this airport.
We never have to see another
Nicholas Sparks novel again.
First, we have to get rid
of those two plane tickets to Paris.
Do we?
I mean, if we're gonna fail
we can still do that after
a week in Paris, right?
Right.
I'm so stoked! I've never
been in first class.
Except, Max, this is coach.
I got a refund on one ticket
and traded in the other
to buy two coach tickets
and to pay for a cheap hotel.
I'm so stoked. I've never been in coach.
[giggles] And also so
we have money to spend.
We should be able to do
Paris for a week on $12.
Of course, we can.
What's the difference between
coach and first, anyway?
The champagne.
We'll be back with the good crackers,
and I don't mean us.
[both laugh]
Well, partner, after all we've been
through this year, whatever comes next,
I kinda feel ready for it.
(Bonnie) Flight crew,
prepare for take-off.
[humming]
Hey, now you're humming.
I am?
Hey, can I trade this in for a beer?