18 to Life (2010–2011): Season 2, Episode 13 - House of Cards - full transcript

It's been almost a year since Tom and Jessie got hitched, and their First Anniversary looms.

I finally got my
Kinjo Chefmaster knives

and I'm gonna take
them for a spin.

Getting in game shape for
the big celebration?

Wendy's leaving for
boarding school?

Oh, please!

Our one-year anniversary!

When you make me the
most awesome meal ever

once you see what I got you.

We're exchanging gifts?

What did you think
we were gonna do?

Do I need to draw you a picture?

It's our paper anniversary, Tom.

It's customary to exchange
gifts made of paper.

So then the picture
would qualify.

It's fun being limited to
paper; you get to be creative.

It's paper; how
important can it be?


Ha ha ha ha!

What's this?

We thought we
would join forces

and get you an
anniversary present.

Call it a gesture of
acceptance of your marriage.

Reluctant acceptance, but
acceance nonetheless.

Tom? Jessie?

Say hello
to your new sauna!

Tom, you always wanted
a sauna, right?


Well? We'll just have to
break it in for you then.

It comes with a ladle!

Can't we find a way
that we could be together?

Is there any way
that we could be together?

And oh by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do!

Yes, I do! Whoo hoo hoo

The Kinjo Chefmaster Collection.

Is it sharp, you ask?

Let's ask Mr. Hardware Flyer.

Hoo hoo.

Is that what you're gonna do

for your wife's
anniversary gift?

Why do the presents
have to be paper?

Paper has tons of options.

I once scored the heart
of Tanya Lippenstein

with nothing more
than an origami frog.

Of course, the sake
bombs didn't hurt,

or the fact that I told her

I played for the
Chicago Blackhawks.

Yeah, well, Jessie
doesn't like sake.

It makes her all throw-uppy.

Well? There's a store on
Twelfth that sells rare books.

You should pick her up
a first edition novel

of a book that moved
her as a child.

That's actually
really thoughtful.

All the sake bomb fringe
benefits, none of the vomit.

Up top!

You never high-five me anymore.

I got it, Ava.

Oh, you're in a chipper mood.

Did Tom finally crack
open the kama sutra?

Why do you think I'm getting him

the perfect anniversary gift?

Oh, do tell.

I'm finally gonna pick up
our wedding certificate

and get it framed.

Ooooh. Touching...and cheap.

What? No, that frame cost
me over a hundred bucks!

Which makes me officially broke,

thanks to my
architecture textbooks.

Oh, well. Luckily I don't
have any money problems.

And here's where you
ask me why not.

Why not?

Because my boyfriend's loaded.

You're still with Keith?

He's the real deal, Jess.

He's rich, kind,
handsome, generous.

And unlike the last one, he
doesn't have three pit bulls,

each one named after
an ex-girlfriend.

Oh, But Jasmine was so cute!

I really think
that the kids

will appreciate us
breaking this in for them.

Are we model parents or what?


Hey, Phil.

What's up?



Just... breathe.

Hold me.

We are looking for "The Outsiders" by S.
E. Hinton,

Jessie's favourite
book from grade six.

Oh! Someone invested in
a background search.

Nicely played, amigo.

We were in the same class.

That works, too.

Oh. Here we go.

"The Outsiders."

Three hundred bucks!
There's no way I can afford that.

Must be a typo.

Yeah, definitely a typo.

We may need to "help"
the decimal point

back to its rightful place.

So not cool!

Plus the owner's watching. Um.

Oh, well, here's
an early pressing

of the author's second novel.

"That Was Then, This is Now."

What the hell is that?

It's fifty bucks;
That's what that is.


"The Outsiders", by S.E. Hinton.

Uh, no, I...

That'll be thirty bucks.

Thirty bucks! Right.

Not so fast.

Hill, Jessie and Bellow, Tom?

We got married exactly
one year ago.


And by bingo I mean I
have some very bad news.

You didn't pay the
balance on this.

This certificate is invalid.

That's impossible.

Did you get the
warning in the mail?

Oh wait, you didn't
fill out the address

because people like me
have tons of spare time

to track you down.

OK, well, I'm gonna
need the license so...

What's it gonna cost me?

A hundred and thirty bucks.

You've got to be kidding.

Sorry, you're right.

I forgot to factor in.

That brings us up
to three-twenty.

Three twenty.

I don't have that kind of money.

What am I gonna tell my husband?

Uh, what husband?

Technically, you're not married.

If we're going halfsies
on this sauna thing,

how is it we're being saddled
with the electricity bump?

Why don't you ask the
Hills to chip in

Nah! Phil will just say

"I'm not paying for
Ben's hot showers"

and make that clicking
sound with his teeth.

They might be more willing
to play along if we uh,

include them in the festivities.

I think maybe it was
our "festivities"

that scared them off.

They did get more than they
bargained for, didn't they?

Mm. Well, we've got
to win them back.

Otherwise, we're gonna
get stuck with the tab.

Next time, let's not
come on so strong.

Yeah. Be less naked.


Officer, you
don't understand.

I'm sorry.

And mortified.

And terrified.

I knew the price was wrong, but...

I rolled with it anyway.

You certainly did.

Stupid anniversary.

Paper, right?

How'd you know?

Been there.

Tried to get my wife
tickets to Coldplay,

but couldn't afford it, so
I hit up a shady scalper.

That's when I
discovered Cole Hay,

easy listening icon for
the over sixty set.

Sounds like one hell
of an anniversary.

Tell you what.

I'll let you off this
time with a warning

and a piece of advice:

If you want that book?
You love that girl?

You just might have to
sacrifice something.

I'm a dead woman walking.

Tom is at home right now
with this awesome gift

making me a delicious meal.

And, hey, did I tell you?
I still don't have a present!

Oh, and here's a fun fact.

Thanks to me, our
marriage never was.

Well, how much
money do you have?

Add this month's cell phone
bill, factor in Design Lab,

carry the ten.

Oh... negative six hundred?

I do have a thought.

Monster Sub coupon, lipstick...

What is it?

Well, Keith works as
a massage therapist,

and so he gave me all
ese free coupons.

And by "give" I mean "I
rifled through his stuff

because I thought he
was cheating on me

with his dental hygienist",

but why split hairs?

A massage coupon.

That's a pretty big step down

from the framed certificate.

Well, there's always
option number two.

Two-for-one Buffalo Chicken
week down at Monster Sub.

Tom's in luck.

Massage it is.


Knock knock.

Can we talk?

Listen, we just want to apologize.

Not everyone's as comfortable
as Ben and I are

with the bounty
that God gave us.

I have to apologize for Phil.

He's really not comfortable
around the naked.

Anyway. We promise we will wear
bathing suits from now on.

So... what say we
give it another whirl?


I can't believe I didn't see it.

Oh my God.

Phil, you misread the signs.

The Bellows are not swingers!

Did you see the way they
were grinning at us?

Oh, they weren't
grinning at us, Phil.

Just you.

Stop it!

Stop that right now.

OK, Just relax.

I will prove it to
you once and for all

the Bellows are not swingers.

We'll take another
visit to the sauna.

Sweet Lord, have
mercy on my soul.

Can you believe it, Jess?

A whole year of marriage
already behind us.

Why don't you use one
of the good knives?

I... forgot them at school.

Hey! Let's open your present.

You first.

"The Outsiders!"

My favourite book!

I can't believe you remembered.

First Press. Limited Edition.

Blue ray not included.


Now me!

A massage coupon.

And it smells like Ava.

You've been working so hard so...
you deserve it.

I like how you...
make me try new things.

I swear I had something better.

But something came up
and it was unexpected

so I scrambled and I...

Jess. It's not a competition.

But if it were,

I totally kicked your ass.

You're not mad?

All that counts is
we're together.

Happy first anniversary, honey.

This marriage means the world.

I couldn't be happier.

Why are you not playing
like a chick for once?

If you
traded your prized possession

to get a really expensive
gift for a girl,

and she gets you a coupon for
a massage, what do you do?

I don't know.
I'm gonna need more:

Stage of relationship,

willingness to putout, hotness.

It's Jessie.

I got her that book and
she gets me a backrub?

You know what?

You should go.

Are you saying that to
distract me from the fact

that I'm kicking your ass, or
because you really mean it?


Point is, you are tense.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Besides, you may luck out with
a cute massage therapist,

in which case you'd be legally
entitled to flirt with her.

When you say "flirt",

what does that look
like in your head?

I'm gonna like you a lot
more after this massage.

Hey folks!

Help yourself to some
finger sandwiches.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

They're finger sandwiches, babe.

It's not some kind of slang.

Uh, so listen.

There's a reason we
invited you over here.

Let's just say it's in the spirit of...

Oh my God, Phil; I
think you're right.

There's something I
want to show you.

No, no, no! That's OK.
Put it away.

I don't need to see it.
Ha ha ha.

What? It's the electricity bill.

I told you they're not swingers.


We're not sharing
the electricity bill.

We're not paying for
Ben's hot showers.

This is for Tom and Jessie!

All right, all right.

Come on you guys,
just settle down.

You know what?

Let's just take it inside, OK?


Come on, hun.

So even though
I cancelled the frame,

you won't return my deposit?

No. You don't understand,
I need that money

so I can get my
marriage license back.


It was all
goin' too easy...

Yeah, I should've known better.

Never thought I had to

Face up to the hard truth..

Adios, textbooks.

Should've known it was too easy...

If you look at the green
consumption Bar, it...


This all made a lot more
sense a half-hour ago.

Whatever it is, dude, I'm
sure we're fine with it.

Just forget about it.

Ben takes way too long
in the shower anyway.

The bottle clearly says
wash, rinse and repeat.

You know what would
be perfect right now?

A mimosa.


I can't believe I'm not married.

I can't believe you
sold your textbooks.

I can get through the
rest of the term

photocopying and borrowing.

You're making yourself
crazy over this.

You already said Tom
was fine with it.

Which is why, more than ever,

I have to get him the
gift he deserves:

A gilt-framed
souvenir of our love.

Is that gilt as in gold
or guilt as in guilt?

Next, please!

I have the money.

Three hundred and twenty bucks.


That'll be six to eight
weeks for delivery.

Cute massage therapist, my ass.

Excuse me?


Let's get this show started.

Face down, please.


That's my safe word, too!

What the hell?


This is raid.

Hey! Stop right there!

Paper Anniversary, huh?

Hey. The cheap stuff's good
enough for mimosas, right?

If alcohol helps you
forget, could you uh,

whip me up one too?

What's wrong?


Except I gave the wrong
address to City Hall;

My cheque bounced,

and I have this mosquito
bite in an awkward place,

but that's probably
too much information.

Could you repeat the
first part again?

I screwed up the application.

Tom and I are technically
not married.

This may be the sauna
talking but um...

it's just a piece
of paper, Jess.

Things will work themselves out.

No. It's more than that.

It's us; it's our
lives; it's everything.

And here we are, our
first anniversary,

and it's all a house of cards.

Do I need to remind you
that under Jewish Law,

my marriage to Judith
was considered invalid

for twenty-five years?

I forgot about that.

The synagogue refused to
recognize our relationship

because of my reluctance

to undergo a ceremonial

And now I wish I
hadn't remembered.

I had to have a needle
stabbed into my...

Got it!

The point is, I got over it.

Life goes on, Jess.

You'll be fine.

Sure. In eight weeks.

Don't tell Tom.



Where did you get that coupon?

It was from Ava.

It was either that
or Buffalo chicken.

Well I'm being charged with

"engaging in a
prohibitive activity"

or "prohibitive engaging".

I don't know what it's called

but I need three hundred bucks!

Where are you?

I'm at the courthouse.

You need to get here right now!

Three hundred dollars?


I'm coming!


It's hard to believe
it's been a year

since the kids got married.


Imagine what life
would've been like

if it had never happened?

We'd never have become family.

Or never have this sauna.

You know, at first
I wasn't sure,

but now I've really come
to enjoy this...sauna.

Funny how this...
sauna has come to mean so much

in so little time.

Such a simple thing can
make you so happy.

And because of a stupid dare.

You've grown awfully quiet.

What's wrong?


We're uh, short on champagne.

I'll make a run.

I swear to God,
my wife is gonna come

and she will explain everything.

Sure thing, paper chase.


Oh, hey sweetie.

Sure, I can.

Eggs, cream of mushroom
soup, batteries?

Yeah. Can you hold on?

All right, Papermate.
I'm taking this call.

But I want your massaged
ass to stay put,

you got that?

Hey, sweetie.

Dad! Hey!
What are you doing here?

Well? What do you think?

I can't believe she told you.

Jessie did the right thing, son.

I'm here to fix this mess.

So...you're not upset?


I've been there myself.


Son, for twenty-five years
I went down that road.

So many secrets, so many lies.

It's amazing the trouble
a man can get into

on account of his pecker.

Good Lord! Does Mom know?

Of course she does.

She's the reason I went down
that road in the first place.

I can't believe you're
telling me this.

Well, believe it, son.

I got tired of living
a lie, just like you.

But hey!

Maybe the sauna will
loosen our inhibitions.

Bring us closer.



You promised you
wouldn't tell him!

Jessie, you know about Dad, too?

He knows, Jessie.

Knows what?

Yeah, knows what?

Dad, Jessie, this
is Constable Bale.

Judge Bellow.

How'd you get a judge so fast?

Can someone please tell me what
it is I'm supposed to know?

That you and I are not married!

I knew it!

What are you talking about?

Tom, I love you
more than anything,

and I wanted to get you
the perfect gift, but...

I screwed up.

Our marriage is invalid.

You mean was invalid.

I got in touch with
some old friends

who helped fast-track this mess.

So up until now, we
were never married?

Uh...The point is, we're married again!

Happy Paper
Anniversary, sweetie.

You see that, Constable?
Everything's fine.

Then what was your son doing
in a gay massage parlour?

They were just...


Goodbye, first press
copy of "The Outsiders."

Adios, Kinjo knives.

Sayonara, college books.

Hey dignity!

Don't let the door hit
you on your way out.

Who cares about all that stuff?

Ah, what counts is
we have each other.

And this.

Of course, it would look better
in that frame I never bought.

And if I had my knives back,
I'd actually have a future.

There is one thing
we could sell.

Life is better
when we're together

Sweet Lord, how I'll miss her.

We all will, Phil.

There was hardly
time to enjoy it.

For the kids.

Damn shame.

Hot tub for the
cotton anniversary?


Show us the Kinjo
knife trick again!

Hey, I'm sorry you had to
find out about Keith's

"extra curricular
activities" this way.

Yeah, how'd the
breakup go?

Oh, we're not
breaking up.


He's perfect!

He cooks; he cleans;
he loves chick flicks.

Plus we even get to borrow
each other's clothes.

Whatever works.

I guess not all unions are as
perfect as you two lovebirds.

I know.