15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 2, Episode 6 - Errol's Women - full transcript
Vince, how often do you whistle?
- Never.
- Mm.
I hate whistling.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
What's that all about? Idiots.
When was the last time
you went dancing?
- You don't whistle, do you?
- No.
No, I've never
caught you doing it.
I can't. Hurts that bit there.
When was the last time
you went dancing?
- What you on about?
- It's a questionnaire.
"Are you happy?"
- FILL It In yourself.
- I did.
I scored 92, which
means I'm ecstatic.
So far you've scored five, but you get
that for bothering to fill it in.
I'm not filling It In.
I'll do it. It's
just a bit of fun.
I'm all right. I
don't need any fun.
Well, I'll guess
what you would say.
Bet you don't like...
musicals.
- Or flowers.
- They attract bees.
How many friends you got?
- Ten.
- Ten?!
- All right, six.
- There's no point cheating.
It's Bella magazine, put six.
Do you want children?
Nobody wants children.
They just get on with it.
Like you fall over, you get a
bruise on your arse. That's life.
- Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
- Do you get more points for "yes"?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Where are you happiest? At
work, home, or out and about?
In the bath.
That's not on here,
should I put "home"?
No! You're not home. You're in the bath.
It's different.
I mean, you're not
there for a start.
It's just bath, it's a
controlled environment.
If you're too hot, you
add a bit of cold.
If you're too cold,
you add a bit of hot.
You're in the bath.
Shall I put out and about?
No, you're not out
and about, are you?
You're in the bath. Idiot!
Work?
No, you're not... That's not...
No...
You come home from work, you go in...
Just put "bath".
It's not... It's not on here.
Put "bath". Put "bath".
Just give me the next question.
Is your Life getting
better or worse?
- I'm having a bath.
- Another one?
- Yeah.
- You all right?
I'm fine. What's my score?
23, depressed.
I feel fine. I've just had a
bit of bad news, that's all.
I'll get over it. Life goes on.
- What happened?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Shall I put "worse" then?
I'm a bit worried about him.
Seems a bit depressed.
No, I mean really depressed.
Well, only because you're one of
the numbers in his phone book.
OK, thanks for your help.
No, I'd rather not
tell him that.
07700-900006.
- Hello, hi. is that Vince's dad?
- Speaking.
It's his flat mate here.
Have you got a moment?
Well, I am a bit busy.
It's just... It's Vince,
he seems a bit depressed.
Don't take any notice. He's
always been a miserable bugger.
Goodbye!
Apologies everyone, I thought
It was my bookmaker.
Now, where was I?
Venus de Milo.
Just kidding.
Hello, this is jim Robins from
Hanna-Barbers Productions, Los Angeles.
/ hope I'm speaking
to Mr Vince Clark.
In response to your query, Mr Clark, Yogi
Beafs fie was fashioned In a Windsor knot.
I repeat, a Windsor knot.
I hope this satisfies
your curiosity.
Goodbye/
Oh, could you give me a hand
with this please, love?
Yeah, yeah.
- Ta.
- That's OK.
Thanks.
Oh, look.
You've got dust all
down your trousers.
It's OK. Don't worry
about it, I'm fine.
Oh, and it's all over the back.
Here, look.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, it's fine, fine.
No, you can't go out
looking like that.
It's fine, thank, thanks. I
think it's all gone now.
Yeah.
Ain't you've got lovely eyes?
No, I haven't.
Got to go.
Thank you.
All right, Let's go
with the rabbit.
Easy! Let's have another.
Hello, I'm Corinne.
I'm waiting for Errol
We met in the health food
shop, started chatting.
So I came back here.
Errol's getting changed, he
spilled yoghurt on his trousers.
I'm not his dad.
Oh, I know. He told
me all about you.
How are you feeling?
I'm a healer.
Good money?
Oh, I don't do it for the money.
I like healing.
Get off! What are you doing?
There's nothing wrong with me.
I think that there is.
No, I just had a bath.
I feel great.
Probably feel as
good as you feel.
Oh, I don't think so.
I do. I mean, how
good do you feel?
Oh, you can't measure
these things.
You can, nine.
You Look like, what, 4.5.
I can assure you, it is
a lot higher than that.
- What?
- Ten.
Only goes up to nine.
Errol, are you going to be Long?
Argh! Who wants it? Come on!
Give me a tortoise.
@GEGDU
OK, Let's have another.
Tell me about Errol
He's a bloke.
Lives here.
Has he got a girlfriend?
What do you think?!
I bet that was annoying.
Ah, Vince, Windsor knot.
Yeah, I know.
You were so sure, weren't you?
What made you so sure?
Lager.
Vince told me you haven't
got a girlfriend.
I have. I have got a girlfriend.
Right, I see.
A real one?
- Yeah.
- Mm...
So, why you hanging
around with me then, eh?
Are you a bit of a rogue?
Are you a bit wild?
- You a bit dangerous?
- Well, I know I'm clumsy.
Cos once I took off me jumper
and gave me sister a black eye.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
It was an accident.
She went nuts.
Melted all me badges.
So, you looking forward
to lunch, are you?
I'm only doing one day. I'm
not doing the whole week.
That was the bet. You've
got to do the whole week.
- No, I can't.
- You've got to.
When I Lost, you made me wear
Alan's Speedos for a month.
What would your girlfriend say
if she saw us here like this?
- Now?
- Oh, I don't know.
You could ask her if you like.
You're a beast, aren't you?
Come on!
Remember, be nice to him.
- Mind If I...?
- Yeah.
- Anyone sitting there?
- Can't see anyone.
Mates not talking to you?
Stuck with me, are you?
Mind that sausage you've got.
Oh, it would be in here.
Well, that's my fault.
I do the boilers.
Heard one about jelly baby that
goes to the doctors? Heard that?
- No, I haven't, no.
- It's great.
Er, the jelly baby doctors and he
goes, he goes, er, "I've got VD".
And the doctor goes...
"No, you haven't got VD, you're jelly
baby," and the jelly baby goes,
jelly baby goes, he goes,
he goes, he goes, "I've
been shaggin' all sorts."
Oh... dear.
Cycled in today, look.
Had to wear this.
Safety.
Feel a right prat.
- Oh! I'm really tired.
- Oh!
Yeah. I'm really tired.
- No, you can't be.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, I don't,
I don't mean that.
No, I'm tired. I'm tired.
Not you, not you.
I'm tired. I'm tired.
Yeah, I'm the one that's
tired, not you...
Look, it's quite early.
Would you like me to give
you an energising rub?
No, I've just had not
much sleep lately, cos,
you know, I was sick
everywhere, you know.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- Yeah, allover the place.
- Full. on, yeah.
- Yeah, everywhere.
- Oh!
- Went into me hair.
- And then in me ears.
- Oh, you poor thing.
Yeah, it's my fault cos, you
know, I was eating my scabs.
~ 0h!
- So they were, they...
- Come here.
They were itching,
you know, yeah.
Where are the scabs?
Just near me, on me underlings.
I love the astronauts,
Armstrong, Collins, Aldrin,
Apollo 12, Conrad, Gold, Bing.
Do you know what
they had in common?
They were all astronauts.
No, well, yeah, but they all
had the same shoe size.
It's amazing, size 9.
Do you know want what my subject
would be if I was on Mastermind?
- Astronauts?
- No.
Hadrian's wall.
Do you want that?
Do you want that?
Do you want that?
Do you want that?
You want that? Want that?
Want that?
- What that?
- Go on.
- What's the date today?
- Er, 12th.
You got any older ham?
What do you mean?
You know, that's past
its sell-by date.
We sell everything fresh.
Have you got any out in the
back that's a bit dodgy?
You know, it's got that
shimmering rainbow effect.
Like you get on the
credit card, you know.
Shiny, but on the ham.
- This ham makes you sick.
- Yeah.
No, I don't keep this ham.
This is Rasta Says.
The original dub-reggae workout.
Hi. Humm.
Corinne won't like
that, would she?
Oh, she's gone off me.
I refused to sign a petition
to save the snow Leopard.
Good for you.
Yeah. why?
So she'd go off me.
She just came up to me
in the health food shop.
I was only in there cos I can't
go to the bakers anymore.
A woman in there keeps shoving
cream horns on me face
and inviting me to Leicester.
You know what's happening, Errol
You're going through a purple patch.
Eh?
The honey-soaked leg
of the worker bee.
What?
There's a brief period in
every ugly bloke's Life
where for some reason women
find you irresistible.
Have you had one?
No, it's for ugly blokes.
Errol, can I use
this blue towel?
- Yeah.
- Who's that?
Samantha. She was following
me around the Becket Centre.
I got me coat stuck in revolving
door and she set me free.
- Do you like her?
- No.
Then why don't you tell her?
I don't like hurting
people's feelings.
That's the best bit.
- I'll do it if you want.
- No, no, no, no.
Hi, you must be Vince.
I got me hands dirty rescuing Errol He said
it'd be all right to use your bathroom.
- I'm not his dad.
- Oh!
He Looked so helpless. He
was like an injured animal.
- Weren't you?
- Yeah.
I helped an injured animal
once, it's very rewarding.
What sort?
You know, ones you
find by a road.
- Hedgehog?
- If you like.
Squirrel, badger, told
it as a moose once.
What happened?
Lived, died, ran off,
whatever you want.
All right, I'm having a bath.
Another one?
Yeah.
He's a bit depressed.
Oh!
- He doesn't like you.
- What did you say that for?
- You said I was depressed.
- You are depressed.
- You don't like her.
- Oh, don't you like me?
No!
Should I go then?
Yes!
Two...
And three...
And four/I'...
And relax yourself
I'm busy.
Go in the sink.
It's your dad,
he's on the phone.
Vince!
I'm busy.
And tell him I'm not phoning
back if he's in the nude.
Of course I'm in the nude.
What's he worried about?
Somebody is going to see his
daddy's Little tiddler.
Just tell him I'm about to
come into a bit of money,
guaranteed, in the bag.
Sorry about that.
I'd like to book a flight...
Somewhere hot.
Oh, hello!
When will you people grow up?
It's just a body.
It's my body...
and it's beautiful.
Hello, Sid, how are you?
Jimmy, I thought you've
been transferred.
Didn't like it,
too many murders.
- Oh!
- Come on.
Can I take this?
Vince, can you help me?
There's a woman outside.
She has been out
there all night.
Please, please, she's just
out there and she's just...
Thanks.
Yaah! Whoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Yeah! Get away! Ha!
Thanks, Vince.
How do you keep the woman away,
cos they don't hassle you.
- You taking the piss.
- No! I was just wondering,
cos, you know, I've never
seen you with a woman.
I was wondering what
your secret was.
Cheese and onion crisps.
He says, er...
He says, er...
He says, er...
Tosser's off.
I don't get it.
Donkey's called
Tosser, he's ran off.
You never said the donkey
was called Tosser.
Didn't I? Oh, it was
still funny though.
Oh. Bob Monkhouse told me
that when I was on Wipeout.
Me and Bob.
I wore a suit, yeah.
Came last. Still,
good day, though.
Mm, I'm stuffed.
What's that sandwich?
Make 'em yourself, yeah?
You can have one if you want.
Yeah? What are they?
Ham? Cheese? Egg?
Ham.
Very nice.
Well...
Best be going.
Pipes are calling.
♪ The pipes, the pipes
are calling... ♪
You want that?
Yeah, well, it's always
happening on them machines,
what it was is the core spring
on your drum come loose,
so, well, you just
give us a tenner.
You're sure, Brad.
- Well, I was on me way home.
- Thanks ever so much.
I don't know what I'll do
with that washing machine.
- All part of service, ma'am.
- Oh, you've been to America.
- No...
- He does trucker poems.
You know, he's the bloke I told
you about does trucker poems.
Anyway, it's good
to see you, Brad...
- You write poems?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he does.
So a tenner, eh?
Go on, do one of your poems.
Nah!
He don't need to do a poem
now, it's twenty to seven.
- Oh, go on.
- No, no, he don't need to.
Well, all right, just one.
All right, just one.
Well, I worked in the
office and the factory too
But all them jobs I tn; to do
Was just no good
cos I had a dream
About Life on the road
in a truckin' machine
A Peterbilt 379 with a
Cummins engine, mighty fine
900 HP under the hood
When you're sitting In a cab
that feels real good...
Yeah, get out. And don't
come round again!
Unless it's for me, I
mean, quite a Lot.
Errol Winston Rodney Spears.
What's the matter with you?
The two most beautiful women
that will ever be in this ï¬at,
and you made me chuck them out.
This purple patch is not gonna
last forever, you know.
I know you ugly blokes.
You're all the same.
You wait for Gwyneth Paltrow or
Charlotte Church to turn up.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
I've got a girlfriend.
No you haven't!
My motto is if you're gonna die
Then do it with a
plate of cherry pie
Serves for country
just like a man
Who died in a cage in Vietnam.
So why have you never
brought her around?
Vince, where's my goldfish?
It's no longer in captivity.
My granddad's ornamental plate?
Well, that bleach was a lot
stronger than I thought it was.
Where are me Roman coins?
In the fruit machine.
- Where are me trainers?
- You threw them out.
Only cos you cut them in half.
What? Where are you getting at.
Everything I've ever cared
about, you've ruined.
Do you know what it's like
Living with you, Vince?
You come in and it's,
"Don't do that.
"I'm not watching this. Put your hood down.
Shave that off.
"Stop wandering about. Give me your chips.
Kiss my arse."
- That was sarcastic.
- Don't interrupt.
"Get in this box, don't eat
that, blow on me soup,
"fix me slippers, put your
hood down, stare at the sun."
I didn't mean it.
I didn't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, Vince,
for the first time in my life,
I've met someone really
special and wonderful.
I'm not gonna let you ruin it.
Well, I'm sorry you
feel like that.
And if you want to bring
her around, you know,
I promise, I'll be
friendly and polite,
I won't be sarcastic or rude.
No, you're not gonna
meet Eleanor.
Eleanor?!
Ha ha!
What sort of name's that?
Eleanor!
Through the desert,
driving that load
When I sees this
hitcher, by the road...
Oh! I'll. get It!
He's big and mean,
and needs a shave...
07700-900006.
' Dad? ' SPeaking_
- It's me.
- Ah, Vincent.
Yes, I'm just on my way over.
- You are wearing clothes, aren't you?
- I'm going under a bridge.
- You're breaking up.
- But, Dad...
I held that coyote close to me
In the middle of Highway 663.
Said, "I'm sorry, Little guy
"I didn't mean for you to die."
Looked in his eyes and
they seemed to say
"Don't worry, trucker,
it's the end of play.
"The good Lord chooses
when you're out of luck
"Could have been a rattler,
but I guess it was a truck."
Wow, that was really good.
Thanks.
Of course, not my best one.
(Glam
Happy?
You know the rules.
Plus fours and a boob tube,
grass skirt, bandana.
Oh! What do you want?
You phoned me, you sounded a
bit "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh."
Yeah, but that was 1O
minutes ago, I'm fine now.
Sorted myself out, as usual.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your face, my arse.
Every time.
Vincent, I'll be straight with you. I'm
about to come into a shed load of cash.
Oh, good news for the
flip-flop Industry.
So, I thought about arranging
another family holiday.
Without your mother, of course.
Forget it.
And don't try and tempt me with
the extra luggage allowance.
I see there's no photographs
of your old dad.
Ah! Ha! You've still got
that mug I gave you.
Oh, Vincent!
How did we end up like this?
Hey, don't go out there.
All I ever wanted to do was
show you a new way to live.
Get inside, now.
Give you confidence, learn to love
nature, learn to love yourself.
Get off my balcony.
Don't you want to
be free, Liberated?
Oh, stop it, Dad, please.
Oh Vince, what are
you so scared off?
People knowing you're my dad.
Don't you dare!
I'm free!
He is not my dad!
Liberate yourself!
Close your curtains!
God made this body!
He is not my dad!
- Come on, son, join me.
- Get off! Get off!
- You know you want to.
- Get off!
He is not my son!
Too sugars, please, Lad.
Ham sandwich?
I know we've only known
each other couple of weeks.
- There's one.
- Thanks.
And we've only just met
up, like, three times.
Yeah.
I just wanted to say, well,
ever since we've met...
I think I'm in love with you.
No, er, I definitely am.
- Really?
- Yes.
That's fantastic cos I'm
in love with you too.
- Wow, really?
- Yeah.
- There's one!
- Thanks.
Oi, Vince, you'll be pleased.
- No Clive today.
- Is he sick?
No, he got a call yesterday.
He's made it on
The Weakest Link.
- Filming today?
- Yeah.
Clive.
Clive.
Clive.
Clive.
Dï¬ï¬m
I Loved the writing process and
I hated it, cos it's so hard.
There's brilliant moments in it.
But once people started
getting involved... It's
very exciting, there's
two or three of you,
then you start meeting the
producer and the director,
then suddenly all these people,
it's like this snowball effect.
And you get to this point
when you're in a studio
and you've 50 or 60 people
working on something,
that you're responsible for, that's
thrilling, that is really exciting.
♪ Like a bat out of hell, I'll be
gone when the morning comes... ♪
- Meat Loaf!
- Meat Loaf.
I got one. ♪ You took the
words right out of my mouth
♪ Must have been when
you were kissing me ♪
- That doesn't make sense.
- It's Meat Loaf.
We're singing Meat Loaf songs.
We're singing songs about
me having one testicle.
It was like a big family
and it was good fun.
We all got on well,
had a good laugh.
Apart from when I was saying
to people, "Don't do that!
"Say it like this!"
You can see right across town.
0l!
If you like that sort of thing.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, it's someone on roller blades.
They can be a nuisance.
Can they? I just try and distract
them, see If they fall. over.
I do it to rollerbladers,
skateboarders, cyclists...
- I'm a cyclist.
- Mm, you better watch yourself.
As I was writing it,
because you want it
to be perfect and you
realise... So many people
are getting involved
you can't stop writing it.
But also you've got to
act In It, you've got to
rehearse that, you've got
to play a character,
but you also feel you're
responsible for everyone else,
and in a way not being able to
sort of make any separation,
not to go, "I've finished
that, now I'm gonna do this."
And / wasn't very good at that,
so the stress would get to you,
you'd be thinking about 72
different things at once.
But that was still exciting.
There wasn't any bad
things about it.
Yes!
♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow ♪
Shouldn't leave them
lying on the ï¬oor.
Someone could have an accident.
They might slip over and go...
- What are you doing?
- It was an accident!
You did that on purpose.
- It's an example of what can happen.
- It did happen.
See? It's a good example.
Basically the idea was that you
built the ï¬at in the studio...
and out the window,
they took a huge photograph
of what the view out
of a ï¬at on the 15th
storey would be like.
Huge photograph, and [it it
and placed it in such a way
that they could Light
it for day and night,
and it's amazing, you Look out of it and
it looks like you're in the tower block.
James Dillon, the art director, did a
fantastic job of making that seem...
We had a brill/ant team of technical
people, and you can see that.
One of the things people
love and go on and
on about the show are
[is style and [is pace.
That's one thing very particular about the
show, is the style and the pace of it.
It was all scripted, and we'd
rehearse it as scripted,
but if somebody came up with a
better Line, we'd put it in.
If something didn't work, it sounded
clumsy in the mouth, we didn't improvise.
We'd improvise in the
sense that if somebody
came up with a line
that made it funnier,
I'd say, "Yeah, keep that in."
But I'd also be quite strict,
if I thought that was the gag,
you couldn't do something
which compromised it.
And that used to frustrate
some actors, and I'm not...
You know, Mark's the director
and I'm not a director
but I'd sweated blood writing these
jokes, I didn't want them to be wasted.
So I would actually
stop people and say,
"What you're doing in that
earlier part of the scene
"is taking the comedy away
from the joke later on,
"so can you stop doing that?"
And everyone would be
going, 'This ls great,
' but I'd say, 'No,
that's the joke, '
and also the plot point,
and it's quite hard
saying that to people
because I don't have the
tact of a director.
G©ï¬u E
Yes! Agh!
This is one of those
perfect days.
No, I'd no ambitions to write a sitcom. I
had no ambition even to make a radio show.
I thought I'd just carry
on doing good stand-up
and eventually, my comedy
life would just get better.
I didn't realise you
had to create things.
It was Dan Freedman, he was a stand-up
and was doing a lot of radio stuff
and he 'd started working at
the BBC, a radio produce/I
/ was doing some gigs and he said, "Why
don '2' you do something for radio?"
/ said, âWhat?" He said, âYou just
come up with an idea and they make it."
I said, 'It doesn't
happen like that. '
And he encouraged me to do it and
he produced the first two series.
Wouldn't bother watching
this, it's rubbish.
I don't mind.
Now we have on display
some buried treasure...
How Long do you reckon
you'll be sitting there?
I don't know.
I thought the only funny
people were stand-ups.
Then I met all these writers...
That was more on Buzzcocks,
the same for me.
We'd for years just been surrounded by
stand-up comedy and stand-up comics,
and you always assumed these were the
elite, and I think far from that nowadays,
once you meet other people
in other areas of comedy.
Of all the many forms of comedy,
stand-up is almost, er...
the least noble, if you're
gonna use those terms.
No, I think those hidden camera
shows are pretty rubbish.
Oi! No urinating in the pool
I wasn't!
You're seven years old,
you're bound to be.
A lot of sitcoms have that ï¬at
bit where you have exposition.
Someone's got to get
from A to B or whatever.
I thought, 'We'll. just get rid of
that, fill. It with loads of gags.'
It might have been a bit confusing
for that reason as well.
People might have Listened
to it and thought,
"I thought it was a
story, now there's..."
Wasn't there like a sound effect of a lift
going down that explained it very quickly?
Then Mark, the director
for the TV show,
came up with the idea of the
wipe, we just wiped the screen.
So you get the sense you're either going...
You'd either go across to another room,
or down or up, and that gave a sense
of "We can move anywhere we want."
Can I have my pants back?
I had this rule that that
nothing could happen
in the flats that wasn't
physically plausible,
or socially plausible,
so everything, there had to
be a reason It could happen.
You couldn't have someone Living
with a penguin, you couldn't have...
The sort of thing that might
happen in a sketch show.
There's a whole show of a
bloke Living with a pony.
It's not a horse.
That could never happen! I'd
go, "it's a comedy show!"
And this is exactly it, we'd have
these arbitrary lines that we draw
when you go, "You couldn't live with a
penguin but you could with a pony!"
- And we all have those arbitrary lines.
- But you couldn't with a penguin.
There's one that you'll stick to to
the day you die and I'll never agree.
Why don't you get rid of it?
You haven't got kids, have you?
Just because I live
in a tower block
doesn't mean to say my Little
princess can't have an 'horse.
It'd have been better
if she wanted a bike.
Yeah, I suppose so.
We built up a working relationship
where we sort of were in tune and...
We'd known each other
for a long, Long time.
Since we started doing
stand-up really.
And in fact we happened to
both be fans of each other.
Quite often when someone's
a fan of yours, it's
like, "That's unfortunate,
cos I think you stink."
That's actually a really,
really bad reflection
on me, on my own work,
what I've done.
It's very rare that you
find two stand-ups and,
well, I hope so, we're
big fans of each other.
All right, we'll go out
for a drink sometime.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'll see if there's
space in my diary.
- OK.
- Plenty of space in my pants...
Ahem. See you tomorrow.
When you write comedy,
particularly for stand-up,
when we're kind
of known as much for
personae for material,
um, you kind of write
to that strength.
But If you're a comedy fan - I'll. laugh
at slapstick as much as anyone else -
and Sean's natural performance style
is much more wacky than mine.
Mine is much more
cynical than yours.
But actually when we write,
there's a complete crossover.
In real life, I'm
hardly happy-go-Lucky,
but I would write a lot more wacky stuff
with you because that was in the room.
Which you'd never use yourself.
And you'd write more
cynical stuff than me
because I have that element
in me and you have that...
And in fact I remember when we wrote... It
might have been Leaving The 20th Century,
there was a joke about
swans and another writer
said, "I can tell what
was Sean's line,"
and I said, "No, that
wasn't Sean's line."
Often people would say, "Sean wrote
that bit." "No, I wrote that bit."
I might not have written it if Sean
hadn't been in the room but I did,
- "Swans!"
- Yeah, that was all it is, rubbish.
That's why they thought it was Sean.
But...
But it's weird, there is a sort
of meeting ground of stuff
that we maybe wouldn't have
come up with on our own.
You couldn't have taken it all
this way round the Becket Centre.
Maybe you went through
the church yard.
No, there's no way I'd do that.
- Hey, your back wheel's going round!
- It's a plough!
Who do you think you
are, Michael Schumacher?
You could only say that
if I'm driving a car.
♪ I got a brand-new
combine ham/ester!
It's a plough!
Why don't you just ignore them?
I don't mind abuse as
Long as it's accurate.
What are you doing with
that plough, you twat?
Ignore him, Errol
One of the nice things
working with you,
Mark - I really did like
working with Mark -
was I didn't feel like
I was the one who was
always going, "Come on,
come on, come on."
Which when it's my own
project, often I... you are.
It's quite nice to have
somebody who pushes
you, pushes themselves
as hard as you want.
And Martin Trenaman, who has as
equal a contribution as Mark,
in some shows more, whatever.
It's great, Martin's
more passive.
He's a great writer to
work with, but I would
be the one going, "What shall we...?
Come on."
It was quite a relief
for me when Mark would
come in in this fiurry of
energy and cigarettes.
And just go, "Right!" It was like working
in a microwave, everything was speeded up.
So you just have to go, "Gotta
keep up!" Really like holding on.
When you told Martin
this he was really upset
cos it sounded like you were
reflecting badly on him and it's not.
It's just two different
ways of working.
Oi! Is that for me?
Put it on the slab.
Oi! Where's my kiss?
I thought it was a wind-up!
No. Everybody does It.
It's tradition!
That other bloke didn't
give you a kiss.
We're saving it up, we're
gonna have a good old snog.
One of my favourite
scenes in the whole
series, I don't why it's
my favourite scene,
it's in the first series
and it's the one where
I'm teaching this sort
of Page 3 girl to swim,
and her husband is a
bit mad, outside.
And I Look through the spyhole and you
see a girl in a sari, just from behind,
and she's got this
silver sari on.
And she waiting for a Lift...
She's waiting
for a Lift. I went into
pidgin English then!
And she just boots the lift.
And I really liked
that for some reason
cos it was like a Little snapshot of
something you don't normally see.
You don't normally see girls in saris
booting Lifts. I don't know why.
And it was those Little images
I was trying to capture,
funny Little
observations that you...
You know if you
go out for a walk
and you come home and you see your wife
or your friend, whatever, and you say,
"I just saw a very strange
thing happen in the park."
Just those Little
observations that you see.
So I was trying to build
up a picture of those.
But the characters in the ï¬ats, they
were jokes. They were all joke-based.
So they weren't really...
I wouldn't say it's a
character-based show
like a sketch show that is
rammed with crazy characters.
It was more about scenarios.
Even you and Benny didn't have
particularly defined characters.
Benny did more than
me, I suppose.
Yeah, but they weren't...
They're not that crucial.
And they didn't always necessarily
motor along or motivate the plots.
No.
Well, yes and no. I
don't know really. I'd
have to have a really
long think about that.
- The characters...
- Hey, we'll wait.
Meow!
Meow! Meow!
The characters were sort of those kind of
comic folks that you need for each other,
- but Benny, as I was saying earlier...
- They were actually a Little bit...
I was gonna say Laurel
and Hardy, but they're
any classic double
act, aren't they?
The idiot who knows everything
and the idiot who knows nothing.
- Master-servant.
- Yeah.
My ï¬at.
And we never wrote... We didn't
write the part for a Chinese actor.
It took ages, I couldn't see
anybody in this ï¬at with me.
Then Benny came in and he just seemed
to make sense of it from there.
Hello, Mum. It's your
third youngest here.
Errol The Chinese one.
How are you all? Did
Barn; get that job?
He's the one with the lisp.
I hope so. I like him.
Well, I'm Living in a tower block.
My ï¬atmates name's Vince.
He's all right. He
seems a bit confused.
Yesterday I told him about Uncle
Ray's phone number problem.
He's just told it back to
me as if it was his story.
The idea of Vince was, and partly the
idea of the show, why he was like that,
and the show was like that...
There's a lot of people in London who
kind of get washed up in a place.
And they don't necessarily
take part in normal life,
they don't have families,
they don't interact socially,
they lose touch with their
friends, people move on in life.
Some people, all their friends move
on, get married, they move out,
they get left on a shelf, and
that was what Vince was like.
Continually finding new
ways to isolate himself,
protect himself from actually
recognising what his Life was like.
So that was really the sort of template
for it, the idea for it anyway.
And I could see, I've done
that at points in my life.
And London's a very easy place
to do that, to just disappear.
Yet you're surrounded by people, things
happen, you meet people every day.
And it was about conversations
with strangers.
At one point, three or
four weeks, I was Living
somewhere and I only
spoke to strangers.
Apart from the odd conversation on
the phone with friends or family.
You have to travel two hours across
London to see like a friend, for example,
if you've chosen to live
in some obscure part
of southeast London,
and that would be it,
so that was kind of
the Life it was.
And then with him it seemed to
be comically more, much easier,
for him to be a misery.
Someone who didn't want to
get involved in the world.
Now, if I was to do it
again I'd change that.
I think one of the ï¬aws in a
lot of English sitcom characters
is they aren't complicated enough,
they tend to be a bit one note.
I know someone who'd
enjoy your classes.
Send her along.
I warn you, she
can't take a joke.
Is it your girlfriend?
No.
No. No way.
No. I can't really see you with a girl.
Or a bloke.
- What do you mean?
- You're a bit funny.
One of the girls said
you're creepy, but I
said, "No, he's all
right, just a bit weird."
What? W-Weird? What...
What sort of...?
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
- What's he doing?
- Idiot.
He's funny. Oh, I was gonna ask you -
what are you doing tomorrow night?
Oh, nothing. Why, you,
er, thinking of...?
No. No, no, no, it's Darren's birthday
and we thought it'd be a Laugh
if only one of us turns
up at the pub and he
thinks he's got to spend
all night with you,
and you go for a meal and
we're all at the restaurant.
Ooh-ooh!
Such an arsehole.
You don't wanna do it?
No, I'll do it.
It's very difficult to
work with a character
to maintain a story and
their characteristics
if you make them more open and you
suddenly see this other side to them.
You say, "Why would
he do that, then?"
It makes writing the plots
easier if you know,
"In this situation
he's gonna do that."
- The audience know that...
- I can't remember instances
but I remember times
suggesting Vince'd do
this and you went, "Vince
wouldn't do that."
And I've got to say a few
times, I was like...
"He might."
- Ah!
- Careful.
All right, mate?
Is there a doctor?
I love this. This bit is when
this guy's had a heart attack.
We don't know what's
happened to and someone
asks the dassic; 'is
there a doctor?'
Everyone's going, "No,
no medical experience."
And they're going Lower down the ranks
of people who have got any use.
Anyone know first aid?
Anyone a first aider? There
must be a first aider.
- Well, I'm a lifeguard.
- Oh, fantastic!
Every time I see this
bit where he, um...
basically gives a
tracheotomy to someone
who's just had a bit of
asthma or something.
Ooooh!
You see him run out
of this huddle and
everyone's going, "Ooh!"
like a great doctor,
and he's just got blood
dripping from his hands.
Do you know where the
toilets are round here?
Oh, thanks, cheers.
I had this routine in
my act, which was...
Which is the end of the show.
Yeah, I thought I'd
really like to use that.
It was all about queuing up at an airport
and being told your flights been oversold.
And it happened to me on the way to
Ireland to the Kilkenny festival.
And what I actually said
was, I went, "Oh, Jesus!"
And then later I said, "I can't believe
this, we've been waiting fucking ages,"
and people went, "Oh, dear!"
And I remember - I didn't say anything
- I remember thinking,
"That's what
swearing's meant for."
And I got this whole idea about
this is what swearing is meant for.
The key phrase is, "There's no
call for that kind of language..."
This is why swearing
was invented.
Look, we have
oversold the flight.
You have to go on
the next flight.
What the fuck do you think you're
doing, selling my fucking ticket?
Really, sir, there
is no need to swear.
Yes, there is. There
is a need to swear.
Oh, very much so, in fact
it's situations like
this that swearing was
fucking invented for.
This is why we've
got swear words.
The word "fuck" was created for
exactly moments like this.
Listen to it. Fuck, I'm not
going on my fucking flight.
I won't be going to
fucking Fin-fucking-land.
I bet they don't have this
problem in Japan, do they? No.
Because over there everything
works, doesn't It?
Everyone does their job.
You buy a ticket, you go to the
airport, you get on a plane.
Yippee! Yeah!
I don't even know if I wanna
go to fucking Finland.
Yeah!
Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!
I'm Lovely!
- Never.
- Mm.
I hate whistling.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
What's that all about? Idiots.
When was the last time
you went dancing?
- You don't whistle, do you?
- No.
No, I've never
caught you doing it.
I can't. Hurts that bit there.
When was the last time
you went dancing?
- What you on about?
- It's a questionnaire.
"Are you happy?"
- FILL It In yourself.
- I did.
I scored 92, which
means I'm ecstatic.
So far you've scored five, but you get
that for bothering to fill it in.
I'm not filling It In.
I'll do it. It's
just a bit of fun.
I'm all right. I
don't need any fun.
Well, I'll guess
what you would say.
Bet you don't like...
musicals.
- Or flowers.
- They attract bees.
How many friends you got?
- Ten.
- Ten?!
- All right, six.
- There's no point cheating.
It's Bella magazine, put six.
Do you want children?
Nobody wants children.
They just get on with it.
Like you fall over, you get a
bruise on your arse. That's life.
- Is that a "yes" or a "no"?
- Do you get more points for "yes"?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Where are you happiest? At
work, home, or out and about?
In the bath.
That's not on here,
should I put "home"?
No! You're not home. You're in the bath.
It's different.
I mean, you're not
there for a start.
It's just bath, it's a
controlled environment.
If you're too hot, you
add a bit of cold.
If you're too cold,
you add a bit of hot.
You're in the bath.
Shall I put out and about?
No, you're not out
and about, are you?
You're in the bath. Idiot!
Work?
No, you're not... That's not...
No...
You come home from work, you go in...
Just put "bath".
It's not... It's not on here.
Put "bath". Put "bath".
Just give me the next question.
Is your Life getting
better or worse?
- I'm having a bath.
- Another one?
- Yeah.
- You all right?
I'm fine. What's my score?
23, depressed.
I feel fine. I've just had a
bit of bad news, that's all.
I'll get over it. Life goes on.
- What happened?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Shall I put "worse" then?
I'm a bit worried about him.
Seems a bit depressed.
No, I mean really depressed.
Well, only because you're one of
the numbers in his phone book.
OK, thanks for your help.
No, I'd rather not
tell him that.
07700-900006.
- Hello, hi. is that Vince's dad?
- Speaking.
It's his flat mate here.
Have you got a moment?
Well, I am a bit busy.
It's just... It's Vince,
he seems a bit depressed.
Don't take any notice. He's
always been a miserable bugger.
Goodbye!
Apologies everyone, I thought
It was my bookmaker.
Now, where was I?
Venus de Milo.
Just kidding.
Hello, this is jim Robins from
Hanna-Barbers Productions, Los Angeles.
/ hope I'm speaking
to Mr Vince Clark.
In response to your query, Mr Clark, Yogi
Beafs fie was fashioned In a Windsor knot.
I repeat, a Windsor knot.
I hope this satisfies
your curiosity.
Goodbye/
Oh, could you give me a hand
with this please, love?
Yeah, yeah.
- Ta.
- That's OK.
Thanks.
Oh, look.
You've got dust all
down your trousers.
It's OK. Don't worry
about it, I'm fine.
Oh, and it's all over the back.
Here, look.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, it's fine, fine.
No, you can't go out
looking like that.
It's fine, thank, thanks. I
think it's all gone now.
Yeah.
Ain't you've got lovely eyes?
No, I haven't.
Got to go.
Thank you.
All right, Let's go
with the rabbit.
Easy! Let's have another.
Hello, I'm Corinne.
I'm waiting for Errol
We met in the health food
shop, started chatting.
So I came back here.
Errol's getting changed, he
spilled yoghurt on his trousers.
I'm not his dad.
Oh, I know. He told
me all about you.
How are you feeling?
I'm a healer.
Good money?
Oh, I don't do it for the money.
I like healing.
Get off! What are you doing?
There's nothing wrong with me.
I think that there is.
No, I just had a bath.
I feel great.
Probably feel as
good as you feel.
Oh, I don't think so.
I do. I mean, how
good do you feel?
Oh, you can't measure
these things.
You can, nine.
You Look like, what, 4.5.
I can assure you, it is
a lot higher than that.
- What?
- Ten.
Only goes up to nine.
Errol, are you going to be Long?
Argh! Who wants it? Come on!
Give me a tortoise.
@GEGDU
OK, Let's have another.
Tell me about Errol
He's a bloke.
Lives here.
Has he got a girlfriend?
What do you think?!
I bet that was annoying.
Ah, Vince, Windsor knot.
Yeah, I know.
You were so sure, weren't you?
What made you so sure?
Lager.
Vince told me you haven't
got a girlfriend.
I have. I have got a girlfriend.
Right, I see.
A real one?
- Yeah.
- Mm...
So, why you hanging
around with me then, eh?
Are you a bit of a rogue?
Are you a bit wild?
- You a bit dangerous?
- Well, I know I'm clumsy.
Cos once I took off me jumper
and gave me sister a black eye.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
It was an accident.
She went nuts.
Melted all me badges.
So, you looking forward
to lunch, are you?
I'm only doing one day. I'm
not doing the whole week.
That was the bet. You've
got to do the whole week.
- No, I can't.
- You've got to.
When I Lost, you made me wear
Alan's Speedos for a month.
What would your girlfriend say
if she saw us here like this?
- Now?
- Oh, I don't know.
You could ask her if you like.
You're a beast, aren't you?
Come on!
Remember, be nice to him.
- Mind If I...?
- Yeah.
- Anyone sitting there?
- Can't see anyone.
Mates not talking to you?
Stuck with me, are you?
Mind that sausage you've got.
Oh, it would be in here.
Well, that's my fault.
I do the boilers.
Heard one about jelly baby that
goes to the doctors? Heard that?
- No, I haven't, no.
- It's great.
Er, the jelly baby doctors and he
goes, he goes, er, "I've got VD".
And the doctor goes...
"No, you haven't got VD, you're jelly
baby," and the jelly baby goes,
jelly baby goes, he goes,
he goes, he goes, "I've
been shaggin' all sorts."
Oh... dear.
Cycled in today, look.
Had to wear this.
Safety.
Feel a right prat.
- Oh! I'm really tired.
- Oh!
Yeah. I'm really tired.
- No, you can't be.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, I don't,
I don't mean that.
No, I'm tired. I'm tired.
Not you, not you.
I'm tired. I'm tired.
Yeah, I'm the one that's
tired, not you...
Look, it's quite early.
Would you like me to give
you an energising rub?
No, I've just had not
much sleep lately, cos,
you know, I was sick
everywhere, you know.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
- Oh!
- Yeah, allover the place.
- Full. on, yeah.
- Yeah, everywhere.
- Oh!
- Went into me hair.
- And then in me ears.
- Oh, you poor thing.
Yeah, it's my fault cos, you
know, I was eating my scabs.
~ 0h!
- So they were, they...
- Come here.
They were itching,
you know, yeah.
Where are the scabs?
Just near me, on me underlings.
I love the astronauts,
Armstrong, Collins, Aldrin,
Apollo 12, Conrad, Gold, Bing.
Do you know what
they had in common?
They were all astronauts.
No, well, yeah, but they all
had the same shoe size.
It's amazing, size 9.
Do you know want what my subject
would be if I was on Mastermind?
- Astronauts?
- No.
Hadrian's wall.
Do you want that?
Do you want that?
Do you want that?
Do you want that?
You want that? Want that?
Want that?
- What that?
- Go on.
- What's the date today?
- Er, 12th.
You got any older ham?
What do you mean?
You know, that's past
its sell-by date.
We sell everything fresh.
Have you got any out in the
back that's a bit dodgy?
You know, it's got that
shimmering rainbow effect.
Like you get on the
credit card, you know.
Shiny, but on the ham.
- This ham makes you sick.
- Yeah.
No, I don't keep this ham.
This is Rasta Says.
The original dub-reggae workout.
Hi. Humm.
Corinne won't like
that, would she?
Oh, she's gone off me.
I refused to sign a petition
to save the snow Leopard.
Good for you.
Yeah. why?
So she'd go off me.
She just came up to me
in the health food shop.
I was only in there cos I can't
go to the bakers anymore.
A woman in there keeps shoving
cream horns on me face
and inviting me to Leicester.
You know what's happening, Errol
You're going through a purple patch.
Eh?
The honey-soaked leg
of the worker bee.
What?
There's a brief period in
every ugly bloke's Life
where for some reason women
find you irresistible.
Have you had one?
No, it's for ugly blokes.
Errol, can I use
this blue towel?
- Yeah.
- Who's that?
Samantha. She was following
me around the Becket Centre.
I got me coat stuck in revolving
door and she set me free.
- Do you like her?
- No.
Then why don't you tell her?
I don't like hurting
people's feelings.
That's the best bit.
- I'll do it if you want.
- No, no, no, no.
Hi, you must be Vince.
I got me hands dirty rescuing Errol He said
it'd be all right to use your bathroom.
- I'm not his dad.
- Oh!
He Looked so helpless. He
was like an injured animal.
- Weren't you?
- Yeah.
I helped an injured animal
once, it's very rewarding.
What sort?
You know, ones you
find by a road.
- Hedgehog?
- If you like.
Squirrel, badger, told
it as a moose once.
What happened?
Lived, died, ran off,
whatever you want.
All right, I'm having a bath.
Another one?
Yeah.
He's a bit depressed.
Oh!
- He doesn't like you.
- What did you say that for?
- You said I was depressed.
- You are depressed.
- You don't like her.
- Oh, don't you like me?
No!
Should I go then?
Yes!
Two...
And three...
And four/I'...
And relax yourself
I'm busy.
Go in the sink.
It's your dad,
he's on the phone.
Vince!
I'm busy.
And tell him I'm not phoning
back if he's in the nude.
Of course I'm in the nude.
What's he worried about?
Somebody is going to see his
daddy's Little tiddler.
Just tell him I'm about to
come into a bit of money,
guaranteed, in the bag.
Sorry about that.
I'd like to book a flight...
Somewhere hot.
Oh, hello!
When will you people grow up?
It's just a body.
It's my body...
and it's beautiful.
Hello, Sid, how are you?
Jimmy, I thought you've
been transferred.
Didn't like it,
too many murders.
- Oh!
- Come on.
Can I take this?
Vince, can you help me?
There's a woman outside.
She has been out
there all night.
Please, please, she's just
out there and she's just...
Thanks.
Yaah! Whoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Yeah! Get away! Ha!
Thanks, Vince.
How do you keep the woman away,
cos they don't hassle you.
- You taking the piss.
- No! I was just wondering,
cos, you know, I've never
seen you with a woman.
I was wondering what
your secret was.
Cheese and onion crisps.
He says, er...
He says, er...
He says, er...
Tosser's off.
I don't get it.
Donkey's called
Tosser, he's ran off.
You never said the donkey
was called Tosser.
Didn't I? Oh, it was
still funny though.
Oh. Bob Monkhouse told me
that when I was on Wipeout.
Me and Bob.
I wore a suit, yeah.
Came last. Still,
good day, though.
Mm, I'm stuffed.
What's that sandwich?
Make 'em yourself, yeah?
You can have one if you want.
Yeah? What are they?
Ham? Cheese? Egg?
Ham.
Very nice.
Well...
Best be going.
Pipes are calling.
♪ The pipes, the pipes
are calling... ♪
You want that?
Yeah, well, it's always
happening on them machines,
what it was is the core spring
on your drum come loose,
so, well, you just
give us a tenner.
You're sure, Brad.
- Well, I was on me way home.
- Thanks ever so much.
I don't know what I'll do
with that washing machine.
- All part of service, ma'am.
- Oh, you've been to America.
- No...
- He does trucker poems.
You know, he's the bloke I told
you about does trucker poems.
Anyway, it's good
to see you, Brad...
- You write poems?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he does.
So a tenner, eh?
Go on, do one of your poems.
Nah!
He don't need to do a poem
now, it's twenty to seven.
- Oh, go on.
- No, no, he don't need to.
Well, all right, just one.
All right, just one.
Well, I worked in the
office and the factory too
But all them jobs I tn; to do
Was just no good
cos I had a dream
About Life on the road
in a truckin' machine
A Peterbilt 379 with a
Cummins engine, mighty fine
900 HP under the hood
When you're sitting In a cab
that feels real good...
Yeah, get out. And don't
come round again!
Unless it's for me, I
mean, quite a Lot.
Errol Winston Rodney Spears.
What's the matter with you?
The two most beautiful women
that will ever be in this ï¬at,
and you made me chuck them out.
This purple patch is not gonna
last forever, you know.
I know you ugly blokes.
You're all the same.
You wait for Gwyneth Paltrow or
Charlotte Church to turn up.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
I've got a girlfriend.
No you haven't!
My motto is if you're gonna die
Then do it with a
plate of cherry pie
Serves for country
just like a man
Who died in a cage in Vietnam.
So why have you never
brought her around?
Vince, where's my goldfish?
It's no longer in captivity.
My granddad's ornamental plate?
Well, that bleach was a lot
stronger than I thought it was.
Where are me Roman coins?
In the fruit machine.
- Where are me trainers?
- You threw them out.
Only cos you cut them in half.
What? Where are you getting at.
Everything I've ever cared
about, you've ruined.
Do you know what it's like
Living with you, Vince?
You come in and it's,
"Don't do that.
"I'm not watching this. Put your hood down.
Shave that off.
"Stop wandering about. Give me your chips.
Kiss my arse."
- That was sarcastic.
- Don't interrupt.
"Get in this box, don't eat
that, blow on me soup,
"fix me slippers, put your
hood down, stare at the sun."
I didn't mean it.
I didn't do it.
What I'm trying to say is, Vince,
for the first time in my life,
I've met someone really
special and wonderful.
I'm not gonna let you ruin it.
Well, I'm sorry you
feel like that.
And if you want to bring
her around, you know,
I promise, I'll be
friendly and polite,
I won't be sarcastic or rude.
No, you're not gonna
meet Eleanor.
Eleanor?!
Ha ha!
What sort of name's that?
Eleanor!
Through the desert,
driving that load
When I sees this
hitcher, by the road...
Oh! I'll. get It!
He's big and mean,
and needs a shave...
07700-900006.
' Dad? ' SPeaking_
- It's me.
- Ah, Vincent.
Yes, I'm just on my way over.
- You are wearing clothes, aren't you?
- I'm going under a bridge.
- You're breaking up.
- But, Dad...
I held that coyote close to me
In the middle of Highway 663.
Said, "I'm sorry, Little guy
"I didn't mean for you to die."
Looked in his eyes and
they seemed to say
"Don't worry, trucker,
it's the end of play.
"The good Lord chooses
when you're out of luck
"Could have been a rattler,
but I guess it was a truck."
Wow, that was really good.
Thanks.
Of course, not my best one.
(Glam
Happy?
You know the rules.
Plus fours and a boob tube,
grass skirt, bandana.
Oh! What do you want?
You phoned me, you sounded a
bit "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh."
Yeah, but that was 1O
minutes ago, I'm fine now.
Sorted myself out, as usual.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your face, my arse.
Every time.
Vincent, I'll be straight with you. I'm
about to come into a shed load of cash.
Oh, good news for the
flip-flop Industry.
So, I thought about arranging
another family holiday.
Without your mother, of course.
Forget it.
And don't try and tempt me with
the extra luggage allowance.
I see there's no photographs
of your old dad.
Ah! Ha! You've still got
that mug I gave you.
Oh, Vincent!
How did we end up like this?
Hey, don't go out there.
All I ever wanted to do was
show you a new way to live.
Get inside, now.
Give you confidence, learn to love
nature, learn to love yourself.
Get off my balcony.
Don't you want to
be free, Liberated?
Oh, stop it, Dad, please.
Oh Vince, what are
you so scared off?
People knowing you're my dad.
Don't you dare!
I'm free!
He is not my dad!
Liberate yourself!
Close your curtains!
God made this body!
He is not my dad!
- Come on, son, join me.
- Get off! Get off!
- You know you want to.
- Get off!
He is not my son!
Too sugars, please, Lad.
Ham sandwich?
I know we've only known
each other couple of weeks.
- There's one.
- Thanks.
And we've only just met
up, like, three times.
Yeah.
I just wanted to say, well,
ever since we've met...
I think I'm in love with you.
No, er, I definitely am.
- Really?
- Yes.
That's fantastic cos I'm
in love with you too.
- Wow, really?
- Yeah.
- There's one!
- Thanks.
Oi, Vince, you'll be pleased.
- No Clive today.
- Is he sick?
No, he got a call yesterday.
He's made it on
The Weakest Link.
- Filming today?
- Yeah.
Clive.
Clive.
Clive.
Clive.
Dï¬ï¬m
I Loved the writing process and
I hated it, cos it's so hard.
There's brilliant moments in it.
But once people started
getting involved... It's
very exciting, there's
two or three of you,
then you start meeting the
producer and the director,
then suddenly all these people,
it's like this snowball effect.
And you get to this point
when you're in a studio
and you've 50 or 60 people
working on something,
that you're responsible for, that's
thrilling, that is really exciting.
♪ Like a bat out of hell, I'll be
gone when the morning comes... ♪
- Meat Loaf!
- Meat Loaf.
I got one. ♪ You took the
words right out of my mouth
♪ Must have been when
you were kissing me ♪
- That doesn't make sense.
- It's Meat Loaf.
We're singing Meat Loaf songs.
We're singing songs about
me having one testicle.
It was like a big family
and it was good fun.
We all got on well,
had a good laugh.
Apart from when I was saying
to people, "Don't do that!
"Say it like this!"
You can see right across town.
0l!
If you like that sort of thing.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, it's someone on roller blades.
They can be a nuisance.
Can they? I just try and distract
them, see If they fall. over.
I do it to rollerbladers,
skateboarders, cyclists...
- I'm a cyclist.
- Mm, you better watch yourself.
As I was writing it,
because you want it
to be perfect and you
realise... So many people
are getting involved
you can't stop writing it.
But also you've got to
act In It, you've got to
rehearse that, you've got
to play a character,
but you also feel you're
responsible for everyone else,
and in a way not being able to
sort of make any separation,
not to go, "I've finished
that, now I'm gonna do this."
And / wasn't very good at that,
so the stress would get to you,
you'd be thinking about 72
different things at once.
But that was still exciting.
There wasn't any bad
things about it.
Yes!
♪ Let it snow, let it
snow, let it snow ♪
Shouldn't leave them
lying on the ï¬oor.
Someone could have an accident.
They might slip over and go...
- What are you doing?
- It was an accident!
You did that on purpose.
- It's an example of what can happen.
- It did happen.
See? It's a good example.
Basically the idea was that you
built the ï¬at in the studio...
and out the window,
they took a huge photograph
of what the view out
of a ï¬at on the 15th
storey would be like.
Huge photograph, and [it it
and placed it in such a way
that they could Light
it for day and night,
and it's amazing, you Look out of it and
it looks like you're in the tower block.
James Dillon, the art director, did a
fantastic job of making that seem...
We had a brill/ant team of technical
people, and you can see that.
One of the things people
love and go on and
on about the show are
[is style and [is pace.
That's one thing very particular about the
show, is the style and the pace of it.
It was all scripted, and we'd
rehearse it as scripted,
but if somebody came up with a
better Line, we'd put it in.
If something didn't work, it sounded
clumsy in the mouth, we didn't improvise.
We'd improvise in the
sense that if somebody
came up with a line
that made it funnier,
I'd say, "Yeah, keep that in."
But I'd also be quite strict,
if I thought that was the gag,
you couldn't do something
which compromised it.
And that used to frustrate
some actors, and I'm not...
You know, Mark's the director
and I'm not a director
but I'd sweated blood writing these
jokes, I didn't want them to be wasted.
So I would actually
stop people and say,
"What you're doing in that
earlier part of the scene
"is taking the comedy away
from the joke later on,
"so can you stop doing that?"
And everyone would be
going, 'This ls great,
' but I'd say, 'No,
that's the joke, '
and also the plot point,
and it's quite hard
saying that to people
because I don't have the
tact of a director.
G©ï¬u E
Yes! Agh!
This is one of those
perfect days.
No, I'd no ambitions to write a sitcom. I
had no ambition even to make a radio show.
I thought I'd just carry
on doing good stand-up
and eventually, my comedy
life would just get better.
I didn't realise you
had to create things.
It was Dan Freedman, he was a stand-up
and was doing a lot of radio stuff
and he 'd started working at
the BBC, a radio produce/I
/ was doing some gigs and he said, "Why
don '2' you do something for radio?"
/ said, âWhat?" He said, âYou just
come up with an idea and they make it."
I said, 'It doesn't
happen like that. '
And he encouraged me to do it and
he produced the first two series.
Wouldn't bother watching
this, it's rubbish.
I don't mind.
Now we have on display
some buried treasure...
How Long do you reckon
you'll be sitting there?
I don't know.
I thought the only funny
people were stand-ups.
Then I met all these writers...
That was more on Buzzcocks,
the same for me.
We'd for years just been surrounded by
stand-up comedy and stand-up comics,
and you always assumed these were the
elite, and I think far from that nowadays,
once you meet other people
in other areas of comedy.
Of all the many forms of comedy,
stand-up is almost, er...
the least noble, if you're
gonna use those terms.
No, I think those hidden camera
shows are pretty rubbish.
Oi! No urinating in the pool
I wasn't!
You're seven years old,
you're bound to be.
A lot of sitcoms have that ï¬at
bit where you have exposition.
Someone's got to get
from A to B or whatever.
I thought, 'We'll. just get rid of
that, fill. It with loads of gags.'
It might have been a bit confusing
for that reason as well.
People might have Listened
to it and thought,
"I thought it was a
story, now there's..."
Wasn't there like a sound effect of a lift
going down that explained it very quickly?
Then Mark, the director
for the TV show,
came up with the idea of the
wipe, we just wiped the screen.
So you get the sense you're either going...
You'd either go across to another room,
or down or up, and that gave a sense
of "We can move anywhere we want."
Can I have my pants back?
I had this rule that that
nothing could happen
in the flats that wasn't
physically plausible,
or socially plausible,
so everything, there had to
be a reason It could happen.
You couldn't have someone Living
with a penguin, you couldn't have...
The sort of thing that might
happen in a sketch show.
There's a whole show of a
bloke Living with a pony.
It's not a horse.
That could never happen! I'd
go, "it's a comedy show!"
And this is exactly it, we'd have
these arbitrary lines that we draw
when you go, "You couldn't live with a
penguin but you could with a pony!"
- And we all have those arbitrary lines.
- But you couldn't with a penguin.
There's one that you'll stick to to
the day you die and I'll never agree.
Why don't you get rid of it?
You haven't got kids, have you?
Just because I live
in a tower block
doesn't mean to say my Little
princess can't have an 'horse.
It'd have been better
if she wanted a bike.
Yeah, I suppose so.
We built up a working relationship
where we sort of were in tune and...
We'd known each other
for a long, Long time.
Since we started doing
stand-up really.
And in fact we happened to
both be fans of each other.
Quite often when someone's
a fan of yours, it's
like, "That's unfortunate,
cos I think you stink."
That's actually a really,
really bad reflection
on me, on my own work,
what I've done.
It's very rare that you
find two stand-ups and,
well, I hope so, we're
big fans of each other.
All right, we'll go out
for a drink sometime.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'll see if there's
space in my diary.
- OK.
- Plenty of space in my pants...
Ahem. See you tomorrow.
When you write comedy,
particularly for stand-up,
when we're kind
of known as much for
personae for material,
um, you kind of write
to that strength.
But If you're a comedy fan - I'll. laugh
at slapstick as much as anyone else -
and Sean's natural performance style
is much more wacky than mine.
Mine is much more
cynical than yours.
But actually when we write,
there's a complete crossover.
In real life, I'm
hardly happy-go-Lucky,
but I would write a lot more wacky stuff
with you because that was in the room.
Which you'd never use yourself.
And you'd write more
cynical stuff than me
because I have that element
in me and you have that...
And in fact I remember when we wrote... It
might have been Leaving The 20th Century,
there was a joke about
swans and another writer
said, "I can tell what
was Sean's line,"
and I said, "No, that
wasn't Sean's line."
Often people would say, "Sean wrote
that bit." "No, I wrote that bit."
I might not have written it if Sean
hadn't been in the room but I did,
- "Swans!"
- Yeah, that was all it is, rubbish.
That's why they thought it was Sean.
But...
But it's weird, there is a sort
of meeting ground of stuff
that we maybe wouldn't have
come up with on our own.
You couldn't have taken it all
this way round the Becket Centre.
Maybe you went through
the church yard.
No, there's no way I'd do that.
- Hey, your back wheel's going round!
- It's a plough!
Who do you think you
are, Michael Schumacher?
You could only say that
if I'm driving a car.
♪ I got a brand-new
combine ham/ester!
It's a plough!
Why don't you just ignore them?
I don't mind abuse as
Long as it's accurate.
What are you doing with
that plough, you twat?
Ignore him, Errol
One of the nice things
working with you,
Mark - I really did like
working with Mark -
was I didn't feel like
I was the one who was
always going, "Come on,
come on, come on."
Which when it's my own
project, often I... you are.
It's quite nice to have
somebody who pushes
you, pushes themselves
as hard as you want.
And Martin Trenaman, who has as
equal a contribution as Mark,
in some shows more, whatever.
It's great, Martin's
more passive.
He's a great writer to
work with, but I would
be the one going, "What shall we...?
Come on."
It was quite a relief
for me when Mark would
come in in this fiurry of
energy and cigarettes.
And just go, "Right!" It was like working
in a microwave, everything was speeded up.
So you just have to go, "Gotta
keep up!" Really like holding on.
When you told Martin
this he was really upset
cos it sounded like you were
reflecting badly on him and it's not.
It's just two different
ways of working.
Oi! Is that for me?
Put it on the slab.
Oi! Where's my kiss?
I thought it was a wind-up!
No. Everybody does It.
It's tradition!
That other bloke didn't
give you a kiss.
We're saving it up, we're
gonna have a good old snog.
One of my favourite
scenes in the whole
series, I don't why it's
my favourite scene,
it's in the first series
and it's the one where
I'm teaching this sort
of Page 3 girl to swim,
and her husband is a
bit mad, outside.
And I Look through the spyhole and you
see a girl in a sari, just from behind,
and she's got this
silver sari on.
And she waiting for a Lift...
She's waiting
for a Lift. I went into
pidgin English then!
And she just boots the lift.
And I really liked
that for some reason
cos it was like a Little snapshot of
something you don't normally see.
You don't normally see girls in saris
booting Lifts. I don't know why.
And it was those Little images
I was trying to capture,
funny Little
observations that you...
You know if you
go out for a walk
and you come home and you see your wife
or your friend, whatever, and you say,
"I just saw a very strange
thing happen in the park."
Just those Little
observations that you see.
So I was trying to build
up a picture of those.
But the characters in the ï¬ats, they
were jokes. They were all joke-based.
So they weren't really...
I wouldn't say it's a
character-based show
like a sketch show that is
rammed with crazy characters.
It was more about scenarios.
Even you and Benny didn't have
particularly defined characters.
Benny did more than
me, I suppose.
Yeah, but they weren't...
They're not that crucial.
And they didn't always necessarily
motor along or motivate the plots.
No.
Well, yes and no. I
don't know really. I'd
have to have a really
long think about that.
- The characters...
- Hey, we'll wait.
Meow!
Meow! Meow!
The characters were sort of those kind of
comic folks that you need for each other,
- but Benny, as I was saying earlier...
- They were actually a Little bit...
I was gonna say Laurel
and Hardy, but they're
any classic double
act, aren't they?
The idiot who knows everything
and the idiot who knows nothing.
- Master-servant.
- Yeah.
My ï¬at.
And we never wrote... We didn't
write the part for a Chinese actor.
It took ages, I couldn't see
anybody in this ï¬at with me.
Then Benny came in and he just seemed
to make sense of it from there.
Hello, Mum. It's your
third youngest here.
Errol The Chinese one.
How are you all? Did
Barn; get that job?
He's the one with the lisp.
I hope so. I like him.
Well, I'm Living in a tower block.
My ï¬atmates name's Vince.
He's all right. He
seems a bit confused.
Yesterday I told him about Uncle
Ray's phone number problem.
He's just told it back to
me as if it was his story.
The idea of Vince was, and partly the
idea of the show, why he was like that,
and the show was like that...
There's a lot of people in London who
kind of get washed up in a place.
And they don't necessarily
take part in normal life,
they don't have families,
they don't interact socially,
they lose touch with their
friends, people move on in life.
Some people, all their friends move
on, get married, they move out,
they get left on a shelf, and
that was what Vince was like.
Continually finding new
ways to isolate himself,
protect himself from actually
recognising what his Life was like.
So that was really the sort of template
for it, the idea for it anyway.
And I could see, I've done
that at points in my life.
And London's a very easy place
to do that, to just disappear.
Yet you're surrounded by people, things
happen, you meet people every day.
And it was about conversations
with strangers.
At one point, three or
four weeks, I was Living
somewhere and I only
spoke to strangers.
Apart from the odd conversation on
the phone with friends or family.
You have to travel two hours across
London to see like a friend, for example,
if you've chosen to live
in some obscure part
of southeast London,
and that would be it,
so that was kind of
the Life it was.
And then with him it seemed to
be comically more, much easier,
for him to be a misery.
Someone who didn't want to
get involved in the world.
Now, if I was to do it
again I'd change that.
I think one of the ï¬aws in a
lot of English sitcom characters
is they aren't complicated enough,
they tend to be a bit one note.
I know someone who'd
enjoy your classes.
Send her along.
I warn you, she
can't take a joke.
Is it your girlfriend?
No.
No. No way.
No. I can't really see you with a girl.
Or a bloke.
- What do you mean?
- You're a bit funny.
One of the girls said
you're creepy, but I
said, "No, he's all
right, just a bit weird."
What? W-Weird? What...
What sort of...?
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
- What's he doing?
- Idiot.
He's funny. Oh, I was gonna ask you -
what are you doing tomorrow night?
Oh, nothing. Why, you,
er, thinking of...?
No. No, no, no, it's Darren's birthday
and we thought it'd be a Laugh
if only one of us turns
up at the pub and he
thinks he's got to spend
all night with you,
and you go for a meal and
we're all at the restaurant.
Ooh-ooh!
Such an arsehole.
You don't wanna do it?
No, I'll do it.
It's very difficult to
work with a character
to maintain a story and
their characteristics
if you make them more open and you
suddenly see this other side to them.
You say, "Why would
he do that, then?"
It makes writing the plots
easier if you know,
"In this situation
he's gonna do that."
- The audience know that...
- I can't remember instances
but I remember times
suggesting Vince'd do
this and you went, "Vince
wouldn't do that."
And I've got to say a few
times, I was like...
"He might."
- Ah!
- Careful.
All right, mate?
Is there a doctor?
I love this. This bit is when
this guy's had a heart attack.
We don't know what's
happened to and someone
asks the dassic; 'is
there a doctor?'
Everyone's going, "No,
no medical experience."
And they're going Lower down the ranks
of people who have got any use.
Anyone know first aid?
Anyone a first aider? There
must be a first aider.
- Well, I'm a lifeguard.
- Oh, fantastic!
Every time I see this
bit where he, um...
basically gives a
tracheotomy to someone
who's just had a bit of
asthma or something.
Ooooh!
You see him run out
of this huddle and
everyone's going, "Ooh!"
like a great doctor,
and he's just got blood
dripping from his hands.
Do you know where the
toilets are round here?
Oh, thanks, cheers.
I had this routine in
my act, which was...
Which is the end of the show.
Yeah, I thought I'd
really like to use that.
It was all about queuing up at an airport
and being told your flights been oversold.
And it happened to me on the way to
Ireland to the Kilkenny festival.
And what I actually said
was, I went, "Oh, Jesus!"
And then later I said, "I can't believe
this, we've been waiting fucking ages,"
and people went, "Oh, dear!"
And I remember - I didn't say anything
- I remember thinking,
"That's what
swearing's meant for."
And I got this whole idea about
this is what swearing is meant for.
The key phrase is, "There's no
call for that kind of language..."
This is why swearing
was invented.
Look, we have
oversold the flight.
You have to go on
the next flight.
What the fuck do you think you're
doing, selling my fucking ticket?
Really, sir, there
is no need to swear.
Yes, there is. There
is a need to swear.
Oh, very much so, in fact
it's situations like
this that swearing was
fucking invented for.
This is why we've
got swear words.
The word "fuck" was created for
exactly moments like this.
Listen to it. Fuck, I'm not
going on my fucking flight.
I won't be going to
fucking Fin-fucking-land.
I bet they don't have this
problem in Japan, do they? No.
Because over there everything
works, doesn't It?
Everyone does their job.
You buy a ticket, you go to the
airport, you get on a plane.
Yippee! Yeah!
I don't even know if I wanna
go to fucking Finland.
Yeah!
Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!
I'm Lovely!