15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Baby - full transcript

/ can just see about four or
five inches down the throat

This is what we cal!
a rig/d endoscope.

It's quite a lot more robust than the
flexible one and gives me a better view.

I was watching that.

I'm not watching vet
programmes when I'm eating.

And since when have dog
operations been entertaining?

It had a golf ball
stuck in its colon.

I'm quite happy to see
how it got in there.

I just don't wanna
watch it coming out.

Doggy innards flappin' around.

I'm just checking the...

- It's just animals on every channel.
- Yeah.

Dunno how many times I've seen those
turtles hatch out on that beach.

See that one there?

He gets eaten by a crab...

any sec...

There we go.

That's the best bit.

You don't like animals, do you?

Who's eating chicken?

No, I mean live animals.

You don't even have a
fish in your fish tank.

Because, you get one
fish, you think,

"Ahh, he looks lonely."

So you get him a mate.

But they don't get on,
so you get a third fish.

Then you've got two on one.
You get another fish.

Before you know where you are, you've
got a borstal in your Living room.

Hello, gorgeous.
Fancy a quick one?

- Will you stop doing that?
- I'm only having a laugh.

Well, it's not funny. And those
balloons are for the party.

Oh, what's the matter with you?
Always having a go at me.

I do live 'ere, you know. I'm
not just 'ere to pay the rent.

Yeah, that's all you do. Then you
come 'home and put your feet up.

Oh, don't start that again.

I'm sick of It.

I told you, those balloons
are for the party.

They're my balloons,
I paid for 'em.

I'll go out and get some
more if we run out.

You're pathetic.

Yeah? And you're a moody,
miserable old cow.

Always moaning at me,
you're always on me case.

What have I done
that's so wrong, eh?

Just tell me.

Nothing, that is what. Nothing.

For the past five years.

Oh, piss off.

It's me birthday next Saturday,
thinking of going bowling.

I know. You've told
me six times already.

Yeah. Are you comin'?

Remember what I said
last time you asked?

You'll be... ironing
your flannel.

Before that.

Rewinding a video.

Before that.

You'll be jousting the black knight to
win the princess's hand in marriage.

- Mm. Busy day.
- Oh.

I can't come, Errol

Oh, yeah, could be working
six days that week.

Did you get the
pool manager's job?


When did this happen?

Tomorrow at the interview.

So you actually
haven't got the job.

Yes, I have.

I'll put you down anyway.

There's no point,
I'll be working.

I think you'll be bowling.

Are you saying I'm not
gonna get this job?

- No.
- Yes you are. Why?

Just a feeling.

And you split beer on
your application form.

That was shandy. It's different.

You're unbelievable, you are.

You know, I don't
drink, I don't smoke.

Don't take drugs, don't gamble.

I have a Little bit of helium

and you go into one.

I can't even fart in this house
without you having a go at me.

I told you, stop wasting
those balloons!

No. I won't.

I like it, I like having fun.

And when I've done all these, I'm
gonna go out and get some more.

You are so selfish.

What about the kids?

What about them? They get
everything they want.

They won't even notice.

Don't even know half these kids.

I mean, who are they?

Misha? Steve? Renie?
Who are they?

They're Leon's friends.

Oh, Leon's friends.

They can play with the balloons.

I play with one bieedin'
balloon, you go ballistic.

Right, party's off.

I'm taking them all
to McDonald's.

I don't care, I'll have
me own party 'ere.

You want someone
to run this pool

I wanna run this pool

Let's do business.

- Oi, Vince, come here.
- I can't.

Come here, there a bloke breaking
into the lockers. Come on.

You grab him, I'll
phone the police.

No, you do it.

- I'm not doing it.
- I can't.

Got a bit of a cold.

- I've got a job Interview.
- What for?

- Pool manager.
- You, pool manager?

Shhh. He'll hear us.

What are we gonna do?

Let's just pretend
we haven't seen him.


What you doin'?

I'm gonna be frank
with you, Mr Clark.

You're not gonna get this job.

You're not qualified. You've
no management experience.

You've received a number
of written complaints,

more than anyone who's
ever worked here.

In fact, I can't believe
you've walked in here

with the temerity to
apply for this position.

Yeah? What d'you think? Good?

- Yeah, it was good.
- Yeah?

It was a bit harsh
at the end, though.

Like maybe don't stand up.

So, er, I'm In a job Interview.

I'm outside having a smoke.


I'll be frank with
you, Mr Clark.

You're not gonna get this job.

You're not qualified.

You've no management experience, you've
received a number of written complaints.

More than anyone who's
ever worked here. When...

All right.

Oi, come here.



Have you got a moment?

I just want to show you something
before you make your minds up.

Can you show them... Just show them
what you did to me in the corridor.


The thing you did, what you said.
Can you repeat it for them?

- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, right.

Well, I was just walking past
and I saw Vince, so I went,

"All right."

See? I'm very popular.

You can go now.

That happens all the time.

People are always going, "All right"
cos they recognise me from the pool

You can go. It's fine.

Have you got a light, mate?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Great.

This two - year old Labrador is
about to undergo a major operation.

- No thanks, mate. Don't smoke.
- How come you got a lighter, then?

Oh, it was in the jacket
when I bought it.


- Wish I didn't smoke.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. I'm on patches.
- Oh.

- I've seen this one.
- Oh, no, don't... don't say owt.

- It's good.
- Ah.

You better not be smoking, Ned.

They cremate it in the end.


No, I haven't had any
management experience.

But I've never had the chance.

And Let's face it, how hard
is it to run a swimming pool?

Order some chlorine, fix the hot
chocolate machine, tell someone off.

And last but not Least, "Oh,
brilliant," the poet's full of water.


Sony, mate.

Sony, mate.

You all right, mate?

Ohh. I got head-butted by
a man carrying bikinis.

- Ooh, you're bleeding.
- Ahh.

Have you got any plasters?

Tell you what...

Use these. I can't
give up anyway.

Cheers. Thanks.

You're all right.

..Or whether It's actually grass
that's lodged underneath the dog's...

I'm very good at
solving problems.

Give me a problem, any pool-related
problem, I'll solve it.

OK, I'll make one up.

Er, tramp loose in the pool

Easy, contain him
with a Life belt.

Wagon Wheel in his
pocket, chuck him out.

Come on, another one.
Give me another one.

OK, pool's overflowing.

Phone up the zoo, get all the camels
down here, Lick up the water.

Only joking.

The Look on your faces, you
were thinking, "Nutter".


You all right, darling?

- I'm fine, thanks.
- What d'you do that for?


Yeah... that's a difficult one.

First thing I'd do - smile.


I'd destroy the film, unplug the
hand dryers, just ban him for life.

'Scuse me!

- What d'you do that for?
- I dunno.

Good one. That ls
a very good one.


I'd probably punch
the Little one.

No, I'm the manager, punch...

Just don't punch anybody.

Get Melanie to phone the police,

get them all out
in the car park.

Keep the hose on standby
in case they get shirty.

Then just search the lockers until the
diamond is returned to the maharajah.

We are impressed by your
energy and enthusiasm.

- However...
- Ahh, here we go.

Childcare's an Issue
we take very seriously

and as manager you'd be
responsible for the creche.

- Yeah.
- Have you got any children?


- Or any experience of them?
- It's not difficult, is it?

You just read them a story,
Issue out some Play-Doh,

colour something in, last one
in the Wendy house is a poof.

Not... No, not poof, stinks,

unless they do stink, I won't mention it,
cos you can't ridicule kids these days.

Although it never
did me any harm.

All right, Vince.
D'you get the job?

You don't smoke.

I do, it's lovely.

Can you hear a baby crying?

Yeah, it's in the bag.

- You've got a baby in a bag?
- Yeah.

Did you find it?

No. It was given to
me for the weekend.

Ahh, a Little ba...
Uhh, it's plastic.

Yeah, course it's plastic, otherwise
you wouldn't be able to do this.

They said they'd give me the job if I show
I'm capable of looking after children.

How d'you stop It from crying?

Well, that's the trouble, it's
like a real baby, you don't know.

It can't see, it's not
exactly like a real baby.

They give 'em to teenage girls
to stop 'em getting pregnant.

Ughh! Don't be dirty.

Has it got a name?

Yeah. The baby.

Aww. Let's call him...

- Hmm?
- Ls It a girl?

It's a him!

Let's call him Stuart.

He doesn't like that.




- This calls for a cigar.
- You're not smoking that in here.

- I was going outside.
- Make us a cup of tea first.

But I really fancy a smoke.

Stop being so selfish.

Things are really gonna
have to change now that...

Martin's here.

All right.

I hope you realise, if you carry on
smoking, you will definitely die.

But I could die tomorrow
just crossing the road.

Only if something
hits you at the time.

And how you can hit by something
that weighs at least two tons,

is brightly coloured and
is found on roads...

It's very easy to get killed.
A man on our street died.

All he did was have a
drink from the canal.

- Where's Martin?
- Down there.

You can't leave him
on the floor!

It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.

Might record he's
on a hard surface.

Or dirty cushion.

Well, I mean...

It can't record everything.

You Little wanker.

- Might do.
- Errol

Ooh, no, mustn't. Ooh!

Ohh. Oh. Ohh.

Ohh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ooh. Ooh, no, no. Ooh.

Hello? Hello?

Pauline, are you all right?

Oh. I just 'ad this dream.

It was so vivid.

You were being strangled
by this enormous bald man.

Ohh. ls George with you?

Oh, good.

Ohh, I'm sorry to wake you, darlin', but...
it was ever so vivid.


Oh, wh...

Ahh-ah. Oh.

Where's the bottle?





Hello, Pauline?

It's me. I just 'ad
another dream.

It was so vivid.

Has George turned
into a cream bun?




Au right?

Fine, thanks. You?

Mustn't grumble.

I've just had this
'horrible burger.

Martin. Where's...

Vince, can you help, please?
It's Locked.

In your wardrobe there's a...

Well, I dunno what it is

but it's all covered in hair and it's
got it's mouth in the back of its head.

It's just a horrible thing.

It's got a violin.

And if it plays any tunes by B...




You come in 'ere a sec?

I got a fish for the fish tank.

Where is it?

- Could you hold it a sec?
- Yeah.

No, at the sides is better.

- There we go.
- It's a bit sticky.

Huh. Yeah. How about
here by the window?

Yeah. Ohh.

Oh, no, cos of the sun,
he'll get sunburnt.

- Oh...
- OK. What about there

cos you can close the
curtains, protect him.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Well, we
can do that later.


Oh, no, radiation from the
telly, they get depressed.

- Oh.
- Ooh, difficult, Isn't It?

Kitchen. Yeah.


Ooh, might be cooking fish.

Yeah. That's exactly
what I was thinking.

Up there.


Oh, no, cos we'll have to crane
our necks to Look at him.

Yeah, that'd be...
Aah, that hurts.

- Getting a bit heavy now.
- 57, 58, 59...

- 60.
- Arms are killing me.

- How about there?
- Yeah?

- Just put it there. Yeah.
- OK.

I'll get the fish.

Vince, my hands are stuck.


Vince, my hands are
stuck to the sides.

Yeah, they will be, yeah.

Here we go. Look. There he goes.

What have you done?

I've glued your hands
to the fish tank.

But, I got you a fish.

- Why?
- Keep you company.

No, why have you glued my hands.

Well, firstly, so I can
get some sleep at night.

And secondly, stops you smoking.

So, we're all winners.

I don't feel like a winner.

Ohh, it ways a ton.

Yeah, and don't try and tip all
the water out, the fish'll die.

I've thought this through.

You can't do this!

It's not illegal.

I bought some glue, you
picked up a fish tank.

It just seems wrong to me.

Look, I got you a castle.


- And a treasure chest.
- Ahh.

No, hang on, I've
gotta go out tonight.

Oh, right. What, smoking,
with your smoking pals?

- No.
- I'm doing this for you, Errol

Well, and me.

Vince... And I'm hungry.

And I'm getting an
itch behind me ear.

And I really need a smoke.


Really need a smoke.

You fff...flippin'


♪ Ohh-ohhh what an atmosphere ♪

♪ I love a party with
a happy atmosphere ♪

Ahh, stick it up your arse.




Yeah, well leave it with me,
I'll see what I can do.

I can't leave it with you.

That's the point, I can't
leave it anywhere.

I was hoping you could
fiddle with it.

Not... No, not fiddle, just...

Sort it out so I can put
it down for a few hours.

It's crying all. the time.

Well, just be nice to it, then.

It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.

All right, I'll have
to take the back off.

Ah. Mm.



Look, you'll. have to
take this somewhere else.

L-I'm not up to this today.

- What's the matter?
- I've just given up smoking.

I'm a bit... You know?

Well, have a cigarette.

I'm trying to give up.

Well, just one.
It'd calm you down.

I can't have just one.

What... A Little one?

I wish I could.

After a meal..or
after I've had sex.

Sold some batteries.

Seen a ghost.

Yeah. Yeah, well, you'll
need one after that.

- Or after a fight or car crash.
- Mm.

Tell you what's nice, to have
one before you do something.

Oh, yeah. That can be nice.

Like before a driving test.


- Breakfast.
- Ohh, I miss that one.

Mm. I tell you what I feel like,

is when you have one during,
you just stop. just...

- What, like a crossword?
- Cup of tea, biscuit.

Oh, yeah. Or during the night.

- Why not?
- Ohh!

I love fags.

D'you know what my favourite is?

The "no reason" fag.

Ooh. The best!

You don't even want it.
You've just put one out.

- Oh, yes!
- And everyone says,

"You're not gonna have
another one?" And you say...

- Yes!
- Cos they're my fags,

I bought them, and I'll
smoke 'em when I want to.

Say that again.

- Cos they're my fags...
- They're my fags.

- I bought them...
- I bought 'em.

- ..and I smoke 'em when I want to.
- And I smoke 'em when I want to.

They're my fags, I bought them,

and I'll smoke 'em
when I want to.

- Shall we get some?
- Yeah! 2O Rothmans.




Ned? You been smoking?

Urn, no. Er... WeU, yeah.
Er... l-I’m sorry.

L-I'm He-He made me do It.

You bastard.

Yeah. Yeah, you bastard.
H-He made me do it...

All right, Errol

- Ohh. Just had a horrible burger.
- Mm.


Ohh, it was really horrible.

- You been smoking?
- No.

Oh, Martin.

Gone off fags now,
they're disgusting.

I've only been out an hour.
You seen his bottle?

You know, er...

Vince, I think I'm cured.

Nah. No, no, no. Not yet.


It can take weeks, OK?

It's my birthday next Saturday,
I can't go bowling like this!

You can't treat me like this.

You idiot!


I don't believe you.

Just heard Nana's died

and all you can think
about is your stomach.


But it was a really
'horrible burger.

There you go. Two days
older, two days wiser.

And if you're thinking of using
him again, we named him Martin.

I know that look.

You want to know what happened.

- Well, it was fine until last night.
- We don't need your excuse.

The only version we
need is the baby's.

7:45 it drowned.

7:49 its leg melted.

And at 8:05 its head fell off.

If you carry on, you'll. see how
at 8:22 It's head went back on.

Mr Clark, can you explain what...
What happened?

After it drowned I put it
near the fire to dry off

when its leg melted

which wouldn't happen
with a normal baby.

Then my flatmate - who's
trying to give up smoking -

he lunged for it, forgetting that
he was glued to an aquarium.

Which wouldn't happen
with a normal flatmate.

So now it's got glass
stuck in its head.

So I was trying to dig
it out with a corkscrew

when its head came off.

And it was precisely at
that point that I realised,

I'm not gonna get this job,

so, Let's have some fun with it.

It's a baby!

Errol, can you go get
the rest of the baby.