15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Holiday - full transcript



I'm on holiday! Come on! Right.


OK, I'm off now, so remember,

don't sit in my chair,

don't water the plant,

no chicken or poultry
in the flat.

You phone this number every day and say
'your driving ls not satisfactory, '

and don't go in my room,
you'll get a nasty surprise.

And I borrowed your inhaler.

Because I might be going
up the mountains.

I might need that.

Can you just pull... I'm on holiday.
I need to go. Can you pull...

See you next week!

I wanna book a flight.

You want accommodation as well?

No, I'll make friends
when I get there.

Where do you want to go?

Two hours check-in, hour to get to the
airport, how Long will this take?

Half an hour.

OK, anywhere that takes off
at half one and cost 5O quid.

There is a flight to
Malaga at ten to two.

You got anything nearer half one? Lost
two days waiting for my passport.

Helsinki at 1:35.

That'll be cold, wouldn't it?


Would you Look after
some stuff for me?

I've already explained you won't
be able to go on the 1:35.

It's fully booked.

You can go on the 3:35.

Yeah I know, but why?


We've oversold the flight.

You will have to go
on the next one.

But I've got a ticket for the 1:35.
I want to go on that one.

We always sell too many tickets
because often people don't turn up.

But they do turn up. I'm here.

We're all here, aren't we?

When was the last time
people didn't turn up?

- Yesterday.
- I couldn't come yesterday.

Do you want me to
book you on the 3:35?

No, I want to go on the 1:35.

That flight is full.

So, this ticket I've got to go
on the 1:35, that's worthless.

Doesn't mean anything,
might as well tear it up.

It's no use to anybody.

No, it's not worthless. You
can go on the next flight.

All right, I'll go
on that one then.

You can't. This is not valid.
You've ripped it up.

But I did it on purpose
to make a point.

Didn't I?

Are you all Finnish?

Typical Finns, all the
same, never get involved.

I am Finnish.

You're not typical.
You can't shut up.

What is the matter?

- Are you Finnish?
- Yes.

What sort, silent or gobby?

Somewhere between the two.

Oh, now there's three types of
Finns, Don't wanna go there now.

Well, you won't be going
anywhere on that ticket.

But she made me do it!

Didn't she?

- Next please!
- No, no, wait there.

Is this a typical
Finn Airways scam?

I buy a ticket, make me tear it
up in front of no witnesses?

You'll have to buy
another ticket.

Tell you what, am I at the fair?

Is this the fair? I mean,
it looks like an airport.

The way I'm getting ripped
off, feels like the fair.

In the morning, will
this all be gone?

There'll be a few hot dog
wrappers blowing around,

couple of pregnant teenagers looking
for the bloke who runs the waltzers.

Can you come over
here please, sir?

Look, OK, I shouldn't
have ripped the ticket.

She's winding me up.

Maybe we get some Sellotape and
put the bits back together.

You need a valid ticket.

- Please.
- No!


OK, I know what you want.

I'll say it if makes you feel big,
makes you feel important, I'll say it.

I don't say this very often.


You need a ticket.

All. right, I'm not sorry.

You stick your
ticket up your arse.

There is no need to swear.

Oh! "There is no need to swear"!


I did.


Don't tear up your
tickets, pass it on.

No, more like that.

Like that.

Yeah, there's
something wrong here.

You're not doing this.

Like this.

But it hurts.

Well, it should do, because once you got
that, then, you know, you've got all of...

You know what I mean, you can...

Er, you see that?

See that, that's years
like to get to that.

Just keep practicing, right?

And when you master it, you know,
you'll be able to do this.

They wouldn't let me go on
the flight, unbelievable.

You must have been
well pissed off.

No. I mean, I got a
good story out of It.

That's the only reason
you go on holiday.

Well, it's not much
of a story, is it?

You tore up your own ticket,
it was your own fault.

- She made me do it.
- No, she didn't.

I'll. tell. you a good story.

I was seeing this Page 3 girl,

and her brother worked
in a safari park.

That's not it!

I told you that one, didn't I?

OK, I got it, right?

What I want you to do is
don't play your instrument.

When I say don't play, I mean, of course,
you play, it's your arm, your hand,

but don't think of it is you,
Ian, that is playing, all right?

Forget Ian. Who's Ian?

Quick, now play.

You see, that's better already.

Now, that's Ian. Ian's back.

Look at this.

I'm not playing this.

- What's my name?
- Mr Pirbright.

No, he's not here.

Take a message.

He could be gone for sometime.




It works.


I thought you were on holiday.

- Have you been eating chicken?
- No, no, just Looking.


Ian! Ian!

Ian! Ian!

Yes! Yes!

Yes, that's it.

You've got it!


All right.

Look, let's try something else.
It's a bit advanced.

Everything back to normal,
forget that you're not Ian.

- All right?
- Yes, Mr Pirbright.

Ask me if I wanna play guitar.


Ask me if I wanna play guitar.

Do you want to play the guitar?

Yes, I do. Let's play guitar.

So all I did was tore
my own ticket up.

And they wouldn't let
me on the flight.

What did you do?

I gave her a right mouthful.

I said, "Who you think you are?

Bloody Hitler woman.

Still, wouldn't let
me on the flight.

Then, this massive
bloke came over.

He was... Oh, you
know, Geoff Capes?

- Yeah.
- Bigger.

So, I went "Wooh!"

And luckily he had the
sense to back off.

Then I came home.

You must be furious!

No, not really.

Got a good story out of It.

That's the only reason you go on
holiday, isn't it? A good story.

I'll be telling that
one for a few years.

It's not that good a story.

Yes, it is, with the ticket and
the Hitler woman and a big bloke.

Did I mention the pigeon that
got trapped in Knickerbox?

It was flying around the changing rooms.
All the women ran out in their pants.

- Really?
- No!

But It's a better
story, Isn't It?

Er, still needs work.

I'll. tell. you a good story.

My uncle when caving in Borneo,

and he was a mile underground
when an earthquake happened.

Oh, I don't wanna know.

Cheers, Ian. Time's up.

See you next week.

Errol, Listen to this.

I've written two, you
choose the best one.


"'Twas a crisp clear morning,

"as crisp as freshly laundered
napkins from a very flash hotel!


"A bold adventurer embarked
on his Latest journey,

"seeking thrills and excitement.

"His only care was
to find new..."

This is rubbish.

I'll do the other one,
it's much better.


"I hailed a cab from
a one-eyed Moroccan.

"He had a hard luck story
for every mile of the road,

"but I wasn't Listening.

"My mind was full of
Finnish heartache,

"and unfinished business.

"He took the wrong turn off
at the Hogarth Roundabout.

"We ended up in Feltham,

"had to ask directions at the bus
garage and then we got lost again."

I can't write this.
It's rubbish!

You shouldn't write it, you should
make it up how you tell it.

What, I tried to go Finland, and this
moody bird wouldn't let me on the plane.

Mm... Need some more details
like when my uncle was trapped,

he put pepper on his laces
to make them taste better.

Oh, thanks, that's
a great story.

I tried to go to Finland
but this Hitler woman,

she made me eat my own Laces.

No. Real details like,
what did she look like?

Quite nice... A bit...

Quite nice.

Maybe she was a bit different.

Ah, right, yeah.

What, really tall?

That flight is full.

Or really short.

Hello! Hello! Coo-eel

No, she's really
tall, with a twitch.


Can I have your tickets
and passport, please?

And she is wearing...

Finnish national costume.

- Yeah, what is that?
- Don't know.

I'm Finnish.

You can't.

It's not valid.
You've ripped it up.

No, we just keep her
in the blue uniform.

If you make it too weird,
people get suspicious.


What about the
people in the queue?

What did they Look like?

Normal, really. Pretty normal.

Urn... You could just...

Oh, that, yeah.

You can't. It's not valid.
You've ripped it up.

I did it on purpose
to make a point.

Didn't I?

Nani That's just too stupid. It's
getting like a Marilyn Manson video.

No, I tell you she's not tall.
She hasn't got a twitch.

She's not in a funny uniform.
Everyone is just normal.

That's the way to do
it, keep it normal.

I think this ls It.

I think I got it.

So, I'm about to check in.

I see this maximum-security prisoner
being escorted through the terminal.

By chance, / caught his eye, and he
looked straight back at me, so, / said...

Going anywhere nice?

Maybe he was scared of flying,
or he'd had some bad news,

he went ballistic.

He started coming straight at me.
I thought, "What am I gonna do?

I couldn't run away because you're not
allowed to leave your bags unattended.

What, you forgotten
your passport?

And he was getting closer and closer.
My only weapon...

a bottle of sun cream.

I couldn't get the top off. It was stuck
and he was getting closer and closer.

He could have killed me! Eventually,
I managed to flip it over

but luckily the two other policemen grabbed
him, wrestled him into the ground.

Maybe, I was just, it was adrenaline.
I don't know, I was wired.

I just sprayed them anyway.

And then, they let him go,

and he just strolled over
and tore my ticket up.

What do you think?

So they wouldn't let
me on the flight.

Well, that was your fault.

I helped catch the prisoner!

No, you didn't. You
just annoyed him.

Yeah, I'll. tell.
you a good story.

You know that bloke
what used to be in

EastEnders, on the market,
went a bit doolally?

- Mark Fowler?
- Yeah, he came in here once.

- That's not a very good story.
- I haven't finished yet.

He needed some change
for the telephone.

- It's a rubbish story.
- I haven't finished.

He only had a ă20 note note,
and I only had ă3.70.

So, he took my ă3.70 and
gave me the ă20 note.


And I bought 16 lottery tickets,

and I won two million pounds.


So how come you're
still working here?

I spent it, didn't I?


Vince, I think I've got it.

I've... I've got it.

So, I get dropped off by the
cab driver at the airport,

and he's a really nice
bloke, he likes everything,

and the airport is
amazing, it's huge.

And it's got people going
allover the world.




Well, yeah, it's an airport.

[Where's the stow]?

Well, after I checked in
I still had two hours

to kill, so I wandered
around the airport.

I had a Look around the shops,

the bookshop, sports shop,

tripped in there,
record shop, Boots...

Yeah, well, it's an airport.

In all the shops, there's one
that just sells cravats.


How are they supposed
to make any money?

[But where is your stow]?

So, I was hungry and I remembered
that I had an apple In my pocket.

I bit Into It and I bit
my Inside of my mouth.

All right.

I was going down this escalator.

This girl was pointing at me
flies cos they were undone.

[Yeah, but where is the stow]?

So I got chatting to this bloke
who was going back to Spain

cos his fried chicken shop
was going out of business.

That's crazy, isn't it, cos
everyone loves chicken.

So why didn't you go to Finland?

Ah... Fog.

That's rubbish.

But you could make an
effort, couldn't you?

Ah. I mean you must have
one decent holiday story.

I've never ever, ever
been on a holiday.

That's typical of you, isn't it?

Yeah, "Oh, I don't need to go on
a holiday," my life's fantastic.

"I'm Errol, I'm special, I
don't need to go anywhere."

We couldn't afford
to go on holiday.

Why not?

You forgot to save money?

We tried to save.

There wasn't any left.

What did you spend it on?

Piercings? Oh, yeah.

Go to Sri Lanka or get the
whole family pierced.

No, we were too poor. Is that
what you wanted me to say?

We were poor. Happy now?

It's not that simple.

Money was scarce.

There were eleven of us.

Ten kids.

No. With ten kids, that
makes twelve of you.

Well, unfortunately,
in our case it was 11.

Hmm... 12?

In our case, it was 11.

Ten kids...

- w; 12.

- w; 12.

- W; 12.
- W; 11.

- W; 12.
- 11!

All right, all right, Let's not
get hung up on a number, OK?

How many fingers am I holding up?
41, it's not important.

Calculators in the bath, whoops.

I get the picture, Errol

There was too many of you to go on holiday.
I'm sorry, sorry.

So you've never had an ice
cream on the back of a donkey.


Had your photo taken with
a Little monkey in a hat?


Or go into an arcade with
a big bag of change.

I've been once, didn't like it.
A man touched me bottom.

That's a great story.

- Is It?
- Yeah.

- Was it just one bloke?
- Yeah.

But in your world, that's four,

and in my world, they're women!

Excuse me. I'd like
to make a complaint.

I'm being sexually
harassed in this airport.

Where did this happen?

Well, firstly there was a cleaner
over there, then there was...

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- You just touched me up.
- I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

- I turned, you tried to touch...
- No.

- Did you touch...
- No, I didn't.

Look, I don't mind
you touching me up.

I quite like it.

- You went to do it again.
- No, I didn't.

- You did, I saw you.
- No.

- I turned like that and you...
- Look!

So I said to her, "How would you
like it if I did it to you?"


Well, it turned into a situation
where you touch a policewoman's arse

and they won't let
you on the plane.

Yeah, well, why were
they touching you?

Well, I did really tight trousers
on, made my arse look fantastic.

- Hm...
- Good story, Isn't It?

- Are those the trousers?
- Yeah.

- Is that the arse?
- Mm.

I'll. tell. you a good story.

My father-in-law, right,

once he got trapped in a lift with
Walt Disney and jimmy Hendrix.



Cold! Cold!


Warmer, getting warmer, hotter,

hotter, much hotter,

very hot, roasting.

Roasting, really really
roasting, boiling.

Hotter than the surface of the sun,
sizzling around the pocket area.

Be nice.

If just once you could
give me a present,

I didn't have to
touch your knob.


OK, I'm about check-in.

And this dozy old muppet just
walked straight into me.

- Ah!
- Careful.

Is there a doctor?

Or a nurse?

Anyone got any medical training?

Anyone know first aid?

Anyone a first aider? There
must be a first aider.

- Well, I'm a lifeguard.
- Oh, fantastic!

Well, come and help us, mate.

Oh, thanks, mate.

- There's somebody in there, mate.
- Yeah, yeah.




Do you know where the
toilets are round here?

Oh, thanks, cheers.

The ambulance came and I
think he's doing fine.

Of course I missed my
flight but saved a life.

Not really, he was obviously
having an asthma attack,

and you give him a tracheotomy.

I'm only a lifeguard.

And what do you know about it?

I'm a nurse.

Oh, well... Yeah, you could
have changed his bed sheets,

and pointed his visitors
to the snack bar.

- How many lives have you saved?
- Thousands!

- Today?
- Three!

It's quite interesting actually, because
one of them was a young man and...

came in this morning and I
got him ready, you know,

took his trousers off
and he had a false leg,

but he had a real foot.

- Really?
- Yeah!

It's extraordinary, Isn't It?

You know what?


- There is no need to swear.
- Yes, there is.

We've oversold the flight. You
will have to go on the next one.

Look, we have
oversold the flight.

You have to go on
the next flight.

What the fuck do you think you're
doing, selling my fucking ticket?

Really, sir, there
is no need to swear.

Yes, there is. There
is a need to swear.

Oh, very much so, in fact
it's situations like

this that swearing was
fucking invented for.

This is why we've
got swear words.

The word "fuck" was created for
exactly moments like this.

Listen to it.

Fuck, I'm not going
on my fucking flight.

I won't be going to
fucking Fin-fucking-land.

I bet they don't have this
problem in Japan, do they? No.

Because over there everything
works, doesn't It?

Everyone does their job.

You buy a ticket, you go to the
airport, you get on a plane.

Yippee! Yeah!

I don't even know if I wanna
go to fucking Finland.


Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!

Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!

I'm Lovely!

They all tore their tickets up,
lifted me on to their shoulders,

and we charged out
of the airport,

I had to be firm with
them, I said, "I'll go

for a drink with you if
I'm not your Leader."

- All right.
- It's a good story, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Vince! Vince! Vince!
Vince! Vince!

OK, lads, thank you.

Sony, forgot me passport.