15 Storeys High (2002–2004): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Plough - full transcript

Rock 'n' roll!

Hello, is that the Rose & Crown?

Yeah, I had a Little drink
in your pub last night.

I don't know if you remember me.

I had the Scottish
ten-pound note.

Pointed out there is
no "K" in Scampi...

And one

That's right, yeah.

You know what it's like
when you've had a few

and accidentally leave
the pub with something.

Beer glass, ashtray...

Well, I've got your plough.




Errol, mind that plough.

Yeah, the big one
off the ceiling.

Sorry about that.

You know what it's like, you've
had a few, you start showing off.

So, when do you want
me to drop it around?

There's no... There's
no need for the...

It's only a plough, you don't use it.
Do you?

All right!

All right, I'll drop
it round this morning.

Miserable twat!

Talked to me like I was
some kind of thief.

You are!

- I'm not!
- You took his plough.

I'd had a few drinks.

So, it's all right if
you've had a drink?


So, if you took it sober,
you'll be a thief.

No, I'll be an idiot.

Who needs a plough
when they're sober?

So why did you steal it?

I didn't steal it.

U W”

removed it from the pub.

- Without his permission?
- Yeah.

So, why are you taking it back?

What is the matter with you?

Look, look, it's a
plough, it was a laugh.

So, if you haven't stolen
it, why not throw it away?

Because it's not mine.

Whose is it then?

All right, Errol, I'm a thief.

I nick ploughs.
There, I've said it.

Thanks. I feel so much better.

So boring, aren't you?

I bet you've never stolen
anything, have you?

- I have.
- What?


After a curry?



Come on, get your fat arse round
the other end of this plough.

Do you think he'll get violent?

Who, George? No, I've nicked him
loads of times. Good as gold.


Not really in the
mood for it today.

I know what you mean.

I had a massive breakfast
at the caff this morning.

You get days like that as well?

- Oh, yeah.
- I thought it was just me.

I had a fella swinging a baseball
bat at my head last week.

I said, "You carry on, mate,
I'm going for a cup of tea."

Days like this I
wish we had guns.

Come on, George. I
know you're in there.

Just want to have
a word with ya.

Why wouldn't they let
us go through the park?

- Well, it was picking up a few divets.
- Yeah.

Which way did you
come last night?

The park was shut, dunno.

Get off and milk it!

It's a plough, not
a bike, idiot.

Come on!

You couldn't have taken it all the
way around the Becket Centre.

Maybe you went through
the church yard.

No, there's no way I'd do that.

- Hey, your back wheel's going round!
- It's a plough!

Who do you think you
are, Michael Schumacher?

You could only say that
if I'm driving a car.

♪ I got a brand-new
combine ham/ester!

It's a plough!

Why don't you just ignore them?

I don't mind abuse as
Long as it's accurate.

What are you doing with
that plough, you twat?

Ignore him, Errol


Come on, open the door.

Mr Burton no here.

Mr Burton no here.

Don't be silly, Mr Burton,
just open the door.

Mr Burton no here.

Mr Burton gone away.

Don't have me to go back to the
station to get a warrant, George.

Come on, open the door.

Mr Burton no here.

Mr Burton gone away, no here.

George, this is serious.
Come on, open the door.

Mr Burton gone away.
Mr Burton no here.

Vince, have you read this?


Guess what happened
in the church yard.


It says here last night the
cemetery was desecrated.

It's terrible.

The vicar said, "I'm devastated.

"It's as if a maniac has gone
on the rampage with a plough."

That's you.


You had the plough and
dragged it all the way home.

No, no. No, cos...

I never went through
the church yard.

It ls you.

It must be one of those crazy
coincidences you read about

where two people on the same night
in the same borough nick ploughs,

one of them goes through the
church yard, ruins it...

and the other one safely
makes his way home.

Mr Burton no here!

Look, Mr Burton, we are on your side,
but you're beginning to piss us off.

I told you he's gone away.

I'm watering his plants for him.

And who are you?

I'm Eric. I live
around the corner.

Where is he?

He's on holiday.

And what was all that
with the silly voices?

Don't know, just felt like it.

We could do you for
wasting police time.

- What, a minute and a half?
- Hey!

Now, you just tell him to report to the
police station when he gets back, right?

- They're gone now, Mr...
- Right!

Steady, lad! Shut up!

I know, I know it
looks like it's me.

Of course it looks like it's me.
Of course it does.

But if this was an
episode of Poirot,

he wouldn't even knock
on my cabin door, hm?

It's like that film,
The Usual Suspects.

Everyone thinks it's the Irish fella,
turns out, it's the bloke with a limp.

I've not... I've not seen that.

There's no point, it's
the fella with the limp.

Sixth Sense, right?
Bruce Willis.

Look, Vince. I've...


Don't answer that, don't, don't.


We're having a nice
time, aren't we?

Could be somebody important.

Yeah, it could be... It
could be, er, Jim Davidson.

Oh, I don't want him
coming around, do you?

- Eurgh!
- Yeah, eurgh!

Or Hitler.

I'll put the kettle on,
you know, let's...

And Mousetrap, don't bother
with that, it's so obvious...

Vince, I've got tickets.

Mr Clark?

Vince, it's for you.

It's a vicar.

- Angry!
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Angry!
- You're very lucky there, lad.

- Angry policeman!
- Very lucky indeed.

- Bad people.
- Right! What...


Oh, hello!

I'm from St Mary's.
The name ls Jonathan.

Your worshipful...

I had a phone call this morning from
the Landlord of the Rose & Crown.

- Never go in there.
- From which you are barred.

He told me of an incident
involving you and a plough,

and last night our
graveyard was...


I was wondering if the two
events were connected.


I dug up your graveyard
accidentally, I'm sorry.

You Uar!

He said it was a coincidence.

I was drunk.

I'm sorry, really sorry.

He said if it was an episode of Poirot,
they wouldn't knock on his cabin door.

That was a twist. It was me.

I feel really bad about this.

I knew it was you.

Cos he said it must have been someone else
with another plough on the same night.

- Is he your mate?
- Lodger.


You see, the park was shut, so I
thought I nip through the cemetery,

because they're quite
heavy, those ploughs.

Mm... If you'd nipped through,

there'd be a straight Line,

but you, you went on a rampage.

Mm, I dropped my keys-

Yeah, so I had to go
looking for them.

You could've put
the plough down.

I was pissed... Drunk, drunk.
I was drunk.

I'm sorry, I feel really
terrible about this.


How can you say you didn't
do it when you did?

These things do happen.

But Father, Lying's wrong.

Well, didn't Jesus
tell a few Lies?

- No.
- He did.

He betrayed our lord for
3O pieces of silver.

- Dimwit.
- That was Judas.

- What did I say?
- Jesus.

I'm always doing that.

For some people it's left and right.
Me, them two.

Jesus was the good one.

I do know! What do you think that is?
Scotch mist? Mmm!

Sorry about him.

Will you shut up? Stop being
so boring, don't get involved.

I'm sorry. I feel
terrible about this.

Maybe I could raise some money.

- Do you need a new roof?
- It's just been done.

- Minibus?
- Passed its MOT on Monday.

- You got bells?
- Yeah.

I tell you what I'd like.

Can I have...

a nice cup of tea?

Yeah! Yeah!

And... a biscuit.

You're gonna let him
off with a cup of tea?

Errol, shut up.

You ploughed up his graveyard.

Well, didn't Jesus
plough up a few?

Oh, I've done it again.

Jesus, Judas, Jesus, Judas.

Hey, good job it's
not a christening.

So how was your day?


I don't normally
watch Hollyoaks.

- You Uar.
- I love It.

The thing I like about it,
they're all so young.

It's filmed in Chester.

Everyone knows that.

Well it's interesting to me because I'm
from Saiford and it's not that far.

Why mention it if it's
only interesting to you?


Sometimes you just say things
that come in to you head.

I don't, do you?

- No.
- No.

Don't have a go at me. He's the
one that nicked the plough.

"He's the one that nicked the plough!
He's the one that nicked the plough!"

- Judas.
- No!

- Oh, yes, you're right.
- Yes, he's Judas, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I better be
getting on with things.

Oh, are you very busy?


Thanks for being so understanding
about the plough business.

I thought I was in a
bit of trouble there.

Of course, it's not up to me.
I just report to the bishop.

He decides if any
action is necessary.

So it's not over then?

I'll tell you what I fancy.

- What?
- A game of table tennis.

- Do you play?
- Yeah, I love table tennis.

Not you, you're boring.

So I'm under Waterloo Bridge,
right, about half an hour,

stock still, getting a bit
bored, like that, right?

This juggler comes up and he
goes, "Oi, that's my patch."

- I hate jugglers.
- Everyone hates jugglers-

And I said, "Your
patch, piss off."

- Then you hit him?
- Yeah, I got him in a headlock. Bang!

I was banging his head on
the windows of the NFT.

Bang! Bang! Like that, and
then there was this big flash.

And I thought, "Has
he hit me back?"

It turns out there are some
tourist, American, taking pictures.

And we stopped, put aside our
differences, you know, street people.

We said, "Come on, mate.
This is our living.

"If you wanna take a picture, you've
got to pay, because this is unique.

"I'm not supposed to
be moving for a start,

"you've got a juggler here,
mohican, and tattoos allover him,

"that's gotta be
worth a tenner."

So I gets his camera and I'm like
that, throws it in the Thames,

juggler comes up, kicks
him up the arse.

He was actually a
pretty good bloke.

Oh, er, hello again.

I ordered something
from your catalogue

but I'd like to cancel it.

Great, great, yeah.

I'd like to cancel
the windbreak.

Yeah, it's a bit boring, isn't it?

And instead, I would like...

the aluminous Snoopy phone.

Co rd less?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, Let's go mad, yeah.

Oh, and can I have the...

bullet belt and the
home piercing kit.

460 a month.

Yeah, can we lose the belt?

Yeah 440.



Fancy another?

Yeah, but can we change ends so I don't
have to keep going down there all the time.

Nah, a lot of hassle, Let's
just stay the way we are.

So, I walking across Blackfriars,
police car comes up,

takes me down to Bow Street, puts me
in one of them identification parades.

Yeah, the Yank had
made a big fuss.

$0 Marie's: six of us all
slivered up In a fine-up.

Did he pick you?

Did he bugger! You know
Dave from Brentford?

- No.
- You do, Dave, Brentford Dave.

- What does he Look like?
- "What does he Look like"!

He's got silver on his face,
77zat's what he looks like!

Anyway, the Yank picks him
and he causes a right fuss,

and it's great for the rest of us, cos he's
got a great patch Covert Garden, right?

So anyway, I'm on me way up
and this copper says to me,

"See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."

I says, "What's that
supposed to mean?"

He says, "it's just an expression." I
says, "Well, this is just an expression."

Bang! Elbow in the face.

And I'm afraid, love, this time,

it looks like it's
gonna be custodial.

Not bad for a vicar. Why
don't you have a go?

- I'm not very good at climbing.
- Just try It, see If you can do It.

- No, I'm all right - Do it.

- I'm fine - Do it!

- You'd like that, would you?
- Yeah. Do it.

- That'd make you happy?
- Very happy, just do It.

All right.

That's it. You might enjoy it.

Remember, you only live once.
Except for the afterlife.

I'm really glad I
met you, Vince.

I haven't had this
much fun for ages.

Most people don't like
to hang out with vicars.

Ha! Hang out!

They think they'll just talk about God all
the time, and drink tea with old ladies.

That's just rubbish. We haven't
talked about about God once.

- Have we talked about God once?
- No.

No, not once.

I suppose you don't
believe in God, do you?

Not really.

Doesn't bother me.

Do you think it bothers me?
It doesn't.

Look at my face. Do I Look
like I'm bothered? Do I?

- No.
- No, because I'm not.

I'm not bothered. I'm
not bothered at all.

- Neither am I.
- No? you will be when you're in hell

Oh yes, swimming in a
lake of turds and wasps.

Eurgh! It'll be horrible.

Whereas my eternity...

Oh, I'll have a margarita in
one hand, endless beaches,

watching Mariah Carey riding
a horse in her shorts.


Meow! Meow!

- Oh, thanks.
- My turn.

Quite symbolic,
these, aren't they?

The apple is evil, the
toffee is temptation,

and the stick, I
suppose, it the serpent.

No, you're wrong.
The apple is good,

the toffee is nice, and
the stick is handy.

Have another go.

They're good, you're evil

No, what's good is me.
I'm brilliant at it.

What's evil is... it
costs a pound a go.

I love coming down here,
letting off a bit of steam.

These are the mole machine.

I broke it. I hate moles.

I mean, I know they're God's
creatures and everything,

but if you'd seen what they've
done to my grave yard.

Better than a plough going
through it, though.

That's not funny. What's
funny about that?

What is funny about you
ploughing up my grave yard?

Sometimes it's just...

There's one there.

You did a terrible thing.

Then why did you get
me a toffee apple?

Because I like you, Vince.

You're a laugh.

Eh? Eh?

♪ Il est très timide
avec ses copains

Mais avec les fllles,
il ne craint plus rien

Chaque fols qu 'on abuse,
ll nous snob un peu

♪ Et dens ses bras,
ou/ dens ses bras

ll nous dit des propos, comme ca

Ne sois pas si béte, béte, béte

♪ Serre-moi plus fort,
et plus fort encore

Ne t'en fais pas, tu
crains rien de mo!

Car tu es encore une
petite file pour moi!

Ll nous racompagne, jusque note

Cheers, mate.

Sans nous embrasser
le Diable I 'emporte

♪ C 'est presqu'une offense,
c'est un drole de jeu

♪ Quand dens ses bras,
ou/ dens ses bras

ll nous dent des
propos, comme pa

Ne sois pas si béte, béte, béte

- That's my ex-girlfriend.
- What, her at the back?

- Mm.
- Bit rough.

- Well, she's had her head shaved.
- I bet she didn't do it for charity.

I shaved mine, raised
ã400 for Comic Relief.

- But this lot could raise about 2000.
- If they weren't so spiritual.

- Mm! You're jealous, aren't you?
- Well, it makes me sick.

I'm lucky if I get
half this on a Sunday.

You only open on a Sunday.
This Lot, it's flexible hours.

Most people on Sundays have a hangover.
Last thing you wanna do is pray.

So, you think we should do pub hours,
have, like, hymns on the jukebox,

fill the church with
scumbags and low-life?

I thought that was the idea.
Isn't that what Christ did?

Yeah, and Look what happened to him.
I mean it's a great idea on paper.

You try doing a sermon with
some bloke singing Wild Rover

and combing his air with a shoe.


Look at it, load
of old bollocks.

♪ Il est très timide
avec ses copains

Mais avec les fllles,
il ne craint plus rien

Chaque fols qu '00 abuse,
ll nous snob un peu

Et dans ses bras...

That was fantastic, the
Look on their faces.

- When they saw you were a vicar?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, that's a Snakebite.

Hey, he'!-

Think I saw a sprinkler
system in that place.


You think you'll get
in trouble for that?

Yeah, I'll be in big
trouble with Buddha.

Luckily, he doesn't exist.

- And what about your mate Jesus?
- Well, he was a bit of a rogue, Jesus.

No, I've got that wrong. It was Judas.
I'm always doing that.

Jesus, Judas, Jesus, Judas.

I have the same trouble
with Robson and Jerome.

Which one is evil?

No, which one's Robson,
which one's Jerome.

- I mean, they're both evil
- No, that's not true.

One of them opened our summer fete last
year, made a lot of money for charity.

Yeah, which one?

It ls difficult, Isn't It?


Nah, fancy an early night.


Look at that. There. Eurgh!

I haven't done that for years.

Tell you what.

I've had a brilliant
night tonight.

It's been fantastic.

Good night.

See you tomorrow.

Umm... No, no, I can't do that.

Good idea.

Next week.


Ah, see you around.

No, see, tomorrow...

I am flying to Kenya.

Ha, good one.

The bishop sent me there.
Two years, orphans.

What do they want you for?

Hm a MI@TD

That's what vicars do.

I just wanted a good
night out before I left.

I thought we were mates!

I'm everyone's mate!

I'm the vicar!

♪ I'm coming home,
I've done my time ♪

- All right?
- All right.

- What are you doing?
- Big origami.


It's not boring, is it?


Really exciting.


Had a nice time with
your new friend?


I'm going to bed.


Are you Vince?


Yesterday, our meditation was disturbed
by someone setting off the fire alarm,

and we wondered if
you were involved.


I set off the fire alarm, on purpose.
I meant it.

I had a great time.



You bastard!