1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Unforced Errors - full transcript
Sex-crazed beauty works out a fantasy with some fresh-produce. Attorney jumps out of the conference room window on the 40th floor! Young couple has their last "quickie" in a helium-filled deathtrap.
Are you horny for this right
here?
Of course you are,
That's why you're watching the
next episode of 1,000 ways to
die,
Here you'll meet the lawyer
watch this,
who winds up taking the
fall,
The texan whose hot wife gives
him the hives,
Help me, trixie!
The sword swallower who bites
off more than he can Chew,
A sexaholic who goes organic,
Some crazy co-Eds who think
life's a gas,
This is so cool!
And a wood chipper with a
manly appetite,
life's good on 1,000 ways to
die,
Death is everywhere,
Most of us try to avoid it,
others can't get out of its way,
Every day, we fight a new war
against germs, toxins, injury,
illness, and catastrophe,
There's a lot of ways to wind up
dead,
The fact that we survive at all
is a Miracle,
Because every day we live
we face 1,000 ways to die,
Great view, isn't it?
Ian Campbell was very
impressed with his law firm's
new offices,
But the thing Ian was most
impressed with was himself,
Did you know I have a
lamborghini?
One of his favorite Pastimes
was hitting on the firm's new
female associates,
good places to eat,
You would think a smart
lawyer would know better,
But Ian was a sexual harassment
case in a $1,000 suit,
Partners at law firms have a
lot of power and influence over
the careers of brand new
associates,
You really need this job, and
you're really at this guy's
mercy,
Great view, isn't it?
Ian had a prank he liked to
play to impress the ladies,
In a conference room on the 40th
floor, he'd get a running start
and throw himself into the
window,
The tempered glass would always
bounce him back,
Tempered glass is just
unpredictable,
It was developed as a safety
technique so that people
wouldn't get cut on it,
But on sudden impact, it can
just explode,
This building's amazing,
Watch this,
Maybe this sleazebag lawyer
just ran out of luck
or maybe it was the way his
rolex caught the glass
Because Ian took a running
start,
And never stopped,
Oh, my god!
Once you discover that their
imminent death is there, they,
uh, most likely would've pissed
on themselves,
He probably died
instantaneously from the skull
shattering on the ground and his
brain herniating out into the
street,
His spine probably shattered
along with the skull, and
severed his spinal cord, killing
him,
Clearing brush in 110-Degree
heat,
Oh, Jessie, sure is hot,
It's a dirty job, but
someone's got to do it,
Tiny and Dale just wish it
wasn't them,
The less than dynamic duo get
the last of the branches to the
top of the hill,
Just one job left,
Chipping,
as machines go, a wood chipper
is a low-Tech brute,
Branches get fed in, spinning
blades grind them up, and
woodchips get spit out,
But it's never easy with these
two,
The last branch gets stuck,
There's a case of cold ones and
a cage fight waiting for them
back at tiny's,
It was time to man up,
Dale tries forcing the branch
through with his feet,
Dale, what're you doing?!
what're you doing?!
Dale finds out the hard way,
A machine made to destroy tree
limbs can also destroy human
limbs,
help me!
Help me!
Unfortunately, he probably
did feel everything that was
going through him,
Starting with the toes and the
foot, just chewing through the
tissue, ripping muscle from
bone, tearing apart the bone
itself,
Dale gets turned into ground
Chuck,
Tiny gets a bloodbath,
Is there a lesson to be learned
from all this carnage?
If you're this stupid, maybe you
deserve to die,
Eat paint, buggo!
Up next
Yeah!
Horny Hubby goes one on one
with hornets,
And two college kids find out
that life's a ball when you die,
Jack and Sally are like any
other college sophomores,
horny,
By the looks of it, Jack's
barking up the right tree,
But then a vision appears,
Check-- Check this out,
Check this out,
Oh,
Across the campus green,
something draws them like moths
to a flame,
A giant basketball,
A leftover from yesterday's pep
rally,
We have to get inside of this
thing,
The perfect place for a once
in a lifetime quickie,
Find me a hole, find me a
hole,
Sally finds the way in and
pulls its zipper down faster
than Jack's fly,
A Peek inside leads to a
surprising discovery,
This is so cool!
Their party balloon is filled
with helium,
Go in,
Oh, yeah,
Oh, my God,
Both:
Once inside their laughing
gas Chamber, Sally and Jack are
feeling no pain,
Oh, my god, this is so cool!
We're in a giant basketball,
The thing we get when we go
in the operating room,
So they're actually going under
anesthesia, slowly getting
anesthetized, shutting down
brain function,
At the same time, they're
asphyxiating, and it's gonna
slowly produce a disordered
neurotransmission in the brain,
and shut Higher order centers in
the brain off,
At first it's all fun and
games,
But after a while, their
lightheaded helium buzz becomes
something else,
something a lot worse,
I feel so weird,
Yeah,
I think, uh--
we should probably get some air
really quick,
These two college kids
Should've hit the books a little
Harder,
A helium-Only environment might
be fun to play in,
You just can't live in it,
Both:
Jack and Sally spend their
last moments disoriented, unable
to find the magic zipper,
Keep looking!
finally succumbing to the
lack of oxygen,
Once they locked themselves
inside their funhouse, it was
only a matter of time before
their fun turned to none,
Like most guys from texas, j,T,
Would rather be out drinking
with his buddies than doing yard
work,
But he was no match for his
smoking hot wife trixie,
Oh, I gotta go,
Oh, trixie, ma'am--
Just taking a little water break
here, is all,
Do you like what you had last
night?
Oh, hell yeah I do,
Are you horny for this, right
here?
Yeah, baby, I'm horny for
some O' that,
All right, well, put your
stinger away and get rid of that
hornets' nest,
Do it,
You're my queen!
Threatening to turn off the
nookie nozzle was more than j,T,
Could bear,
It was time to go to war,
All right,
Time to do my business,
Come on,
Come on!
There are a few hundred
hornets in this nest,
You have to understand that
insects do an important job in
nature, whether they're harmful
to us because we make the
mistake of disturbing their nest
or being in a place that they
wanna be,
Come on!
J,T, Was striking out with
the hornets,
But this was texas,
When all else fails, hit the gun
rack,
Being more of a suburban cowboy,
j,T, Came back out clutching his
weapon of CHOICE: A paintball
gun,
All right, then,
You think you can come between
me and the sanctimony of humpin'
my wife?
Well, eat paint, buggo!
yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Who's the man?
Who's the--
Oh,!
j,T, Should've thought first
and shot later,
when threatened, hornets
mobilize their entire nest to
sting in defense,
The first hornet in sprays him
with a long pheromone,
The other hornets use the scent
of the pheromone to zero in on
their target,
now, j,T, Didn't know a lot
about anything,
Including himself,
For example, he had no idea he
was allergic to Bee venom,
He had a severe reaction called
anaphylaxis and collapsed,
covered with welts from hundreds
of hornets' stings,
What this means is his blood
vessels dilated, causing a drop
in blood pressure,
The airway to his throat and
lungs became swollen, making
breathing impossible,
He quickly went into shock, and
never recovered,
j,T, Died a noble gunman,
fighting for the booty rights to
his texas maiden,
Happy trails, cowboy,
Coming up
a circus freak lives by the
sword, and dies by the
umbrella?
And a nymphomaniac finally meets
her match,
What's up, doc?
come on inside,
You're gonna see a show that
you've never seen before,
Boris was a desperate man,
The recent economic downturn has
made life hard,
This is real and real
dangerous, folks,
So please don't try this at
home,
Especially for a seven-Foot
sword swallower,
He used to pack them in,
Now, he was lucky to get a
busload of blue hairs on their
way to atlantic city,
the key to pulling off a
successful trick is getting the
audience emotionally invested,
If the audience doesn't like
you, and they're not
emotionally invested in you, uh,
when you do this trick, they're
gonna be watching it, um, kinda
like an ancient Roman Audience
would watch a gladiator,
You know, they're watching it--
"Let's see if he gets hurt,"
And, um, that's, uh-- That's not
a good place to be,
That's right,
two blades at one time,
Being a circus freak, Boris
was willing to do anything to
stay afloat,
If one sword didn't wow them,
how about two?
This is extremely dangerous
because at any moment, the
swords could scissor, causing
internal bleeding,
Oh!
And if that didn't do the
trick, he'd take challenges from
the audience,
This day, some cranky, old
pensioner handed him his
umbrella,
Hey, big guy, huh?
How 'bout my umbrella, huh?
Come on, let's see, let's see,
Desperate times call for
desperate measures,
In a dramatic flourish, Boris
hoisted the umbrella over his
head, and proceeded to jam it
down his big and tall gullet,
It was a frightening and
disgusting display,
But the audience couldn't turn
away,
All: Oh, no!
Oh, it's going down,
Boris might've gotten away
with nothing more than a sore
throat, but his giant epiglottis
hit the release mechanism, and
the umbrella opened up, closing
down his windpipe, and sealing
the deal on Boris,
Just about the stupidest
thing I could ever think of
Swallowing would be an umbrella,
I've never done it, I never
will,
It could open up, and if that
happens, a, it's gonna get
lodged in, so you're not gonna
be able to get it out, and in
doing so, you're gonna be
ripping the hell out of your
esophagus,
And also, your, uh, trachea is
gonna be blocked, and your
windpipe, and you won't be able
to breathe,
So you're-- You're--
You're screwed,
he lived by the sword,
He died by the
you got it,
Umbrella,
Some people just seem to ooze
sexuality,
Take Jennifer here,
She can turn a trip to the
supermarket into a lap dance of
longing and lust,
Not only is she sexy, she loves
sex,
Loves having it, loves thinking
about it,
Right now she's thinking about
the hunk over there stacking
cukes,
But she's got a date with some
girlfriends in from out of town,
Too bad for you, cuke stacker,
You have no idea what you're
missing,
Back home, Jennifer unpacks her
day's catch,
But all she can think about is
release,
She just can't shake that vision
of stud boy hosing down the
produce,
Masturbation is an absolutely
amazing thing,
I think it's important for
everyone to masturbate,
It's such a great stress relief,
it helps relieve the tension
through your body, and let's
face it, if you can't make
yourself orgasm all alone, then
sex just isn't the same,
Turns out Jennifer could've
done a better job shaving
her carrot,
A rough edge sliced through her
vaginal wall, and sent an AIR
embolism racing up to her heart,
There would be no happy
ending to this veggie tale,
Stranger things have
happened,
She tore part of her-- Either
vaginal WALL, or some part of
her pelvic area,
Air somehow got in during the
masturbation process, into the
arteries, and the air then went
up to the heart and caused
death,
When we come back, a
motorcycle racer goes to pieces
on a dry lakebed,
El mirage lakebed,
san bernardino, california,
A legendary meeting place for
any gear heads, adrenaline
junkie, or racing fan looking to
push the speed envelope as fast
as they dare,
In this macho world, there's no
bigger name than Ron cook,
A 12-Time land speed record
Holder, Ron's looking for lucky
13,
His goal: 200 miles PER hour or
better,
To help him get there, he's
equipped his bike with nitrous,
Ron wants one simple THING: To
be the fastest in the world,
In less than seven seconds, he's
already at 150 miles per hour,
His record in reach, Ron hits
the nitrous,
Voice over LOUDSPEAKER: Rider
down, Rider down!
Everybody move!
It's the worst case scenario,
Hitting the rock-Hard desert
floor at 200 miles per hour is
the equivalent of taking a
1,200-Pound blow straight to the
head,
Ron's a dead man, right?
Think again,
It's great to be alive, but
at the same time, I'm thinking,
oh, boy, you know, am I gonna
have an arm?
Am I gonna have a leg?
I didn't know,
Ron's injuries were
extensive,
The pain severe,
I ended up having five broken
bones in my right leg, four
bones broken in my right arm,
And I had a lot of bruises,
cuts, uh, but also I had lotta
3rd and 4th-Degree burns,
It's a wonder that I didn't die
in that crash,
I should've-- Shoulda been dead,
Ron never got the record he
set out for, but he didn't walk
away empty-Handed,
The record I was trying to
get was the over 200 mile an
hour record, but I didn't get
that one,
The record I ended up getting,
by default, was the guinness
record for surviving the world's
fastest motorcycle crash at 200
miles an hour,
here?
Of course you are,
That's why you're watching the
next episode of 1,000 ways to
die,
Here you'll meet the lawyer
watch this,
who winds up taking the
fall,
The texan whose hot wife gives
him the hives,
Help me, trixie!
The sword swallower who bites
off more than he can Chew,
A sexaholic who goes organic,
Some crazy co-Eds who think
life's a gas,
This is so cool!
And a wood chipper with a
manly appetite,
life's good on 1,000 ways to
die,
Death is everywhere,
Most of us try to avoid it,
others can't get out of its way,
Every day, we fight a new war
against germs, toxins, injury,
illness, and catastrophe,
There's a lot of ways to wind up
dead,
The fact that we survive at all
is a Miracle,
Because every day we live
we face 1,000 ways to die,
Great view, isn't it?
Ian Campbell was very
impressed with his law firm's
new offices,
But the thing Ian was most
impressed with was himself,
Did you know I have a
lamborghini?
One of his favorite Pastimes
was hitting on the firm's new
female associates,
good places to eat,
You would think a smart
lawyer would know better,
But Ian was a sexual harassment
case in a $1,000 suit,
Partners at law firms have a
lot of power and influence over
the careers of brand new
associates,
You really need this job, and
you're really at this guy's
mercy,
Great view, isn't it?
Ian had a prank he liked to
play to impress the ladies,
In a conference room on the 40th
floor, he'd get a running start
and throw himself into the
window,
The tempered glass would always
bounce him back,
Tempered glass is just
unpredictable,
It was developed as a safety
technique so that people
wouldn't get cut on it,
But on sudden impact, it can
just explode,
This building's amazing,
Watch this,
Maybe this sleazebag lawyer
just ran out of luck
or maybe it was the way his
rolex caught the glass
Because Ian took a running
start,
And never stopped,
Oh, my god!
Once you discover that their
imminent death is there, they,
uh, most likely would've pissed
on themselves,
He probably died
instantaneously from the skull
shattering on the ground and his
brain herniating out into the
street,
His spine probably shattered
along with the skull, and
severed his spinal cord, killing
him,
Clearing brush in 110-Degree
heat,
Oh, Jessie, sure is hot,
It's a dirty job, but
someone's got to do it,
Tiny and Dale just wish it
wasn't them,
The less than dynamic duo get
the last of the branches to the
top of the hill,
Just one job left,
Chipping,
as machines go, a wood chipper
is a low-Tech brute,
Branches get fed in, spinning
blades grind them up, and
woodchips get spit out,
But it's never easy with these
two,
The last branch gets stuck,
There's a case of cold ones and
a cage fight waiting for them
back at tiny's,
It was time to man up,
Dale tries forcing the branch
through with his feet,
Dale, what're you doing?!
what're you doing?!
Dale finds out the hard way,
A machine made to destroy tree
limbs can also destroy human
limbs,
help me!
Help me!
Unfortunately, he probably
did feel everything that was
going through him,
Starting with the toes and the
foot, just chewing through the
tissue, ripping muscle from
bone, tearing apart the bone
itself,
Dale gets turned into ground
Chuck,
Tiny gets a bloodbath,
Is there a lesson to be learned
from all this carnage?
If you're this stupid, maybe you
deserve to die,
Eat paint, buggo!
Up next
Yeah!
Horny Hubby goes one on one
with hornets,
And two college kids find out
that life's a ball when you die,
Jack and Sally are like any
other college sophomores,
horny,
By the looks of it, Jack's
barking up the right tree,
But then a vision appears,
Check-- Check this out,
Check this out,
Oh,
Across the campus green,
something draws them like moths
to a flame,
A giant basketball,
A leftover from yesterday's pep
rally,
We have to get inside of this
thing,
The perfect place for a once
in a lifetime quickie,
Find me a hole, find me a
hole,
Sally finds the way in and
pulls its zipper down faster
than Jack's fly,
A Peek inside leads to a
surprising discovery,
This is so cool!
Their party balloon is filled
with helium,
Go in,
Oh, yeah,
Oh, my God,
Both:
Once inside their laughing
gas Chamber, Sally and Jack are
feeling no pain,
Oh, my god, this is so cool!
We're in a giant basketball,
The thing we get when we go
in the operating room,
So they're actually going under
anesthesia, slowly getting
anesthetized, shutting down
brain function,
At the same time, they're
asphyxiating, and it's gonna
slowly produce a disordered
neurotransmission in the brain,
and shut Higher order centers in
the brain off,
At first it's all fun and
games,
But after a while, their
lightheaded helium buzz becomes
something else,
something a lot worse,
I feel so weird,
Yeah,
I think, uh--
we should probably get some air
really quick,
These two college kids
Should've hit the books a little
Harder,
A helium-Only environment might
be fun to play in,
You just can't live in it,
Both:
Jack and Sally spend their
last moments disoriented, unable
to find the magic zipper,
Keep looking!
finally succumbing to the
lack of oxygen,
Once they locked themselves
inside their funhouse, it was
only a matter of time before
their fun turned to none,
Like most guys from texas, j,T,
Would rather be out drinking
with his buddies than doing yard
work,
But he was no match for his
smoking hot wife trixie,
Oh, I gotta go,
Oh, trixie, ma'am--
Just taking a little water break
here, is all,
Do you like what you had last
night?
Oh, hell yeah I do,
Are you horny for this, right
here?
Yeah, baby, I'm horny for
some O' that,
All right, well, put your
stinger away and get rid of that
hornets' nest,
Do it,
You're my queen!
Threatening to turn off the
nookie nozzle was more than j,T,
Could bear,
It was time to go to war,
All right,
Time to do my business,
Come on,
Come on!
There are a few hundred
hornets in this nest,
You have to understand that
insects do an important job in
nature, whether they're harmful
to us because we make the
mistake of disturbing their nest
or being in a place that they
wanna be,
Come on!
J,T, Was striking out with
the hornets,
But this was texas,
When all else fails, hit the gun
rack,
Being more of a suburban cowboy,
j,T, Came back out clutching his
weapon of CHOICE: A paintball
gun,
All right, then,
You think you can come between
me and the sanctimony of humpin'
my wife?
Well, eat paint, buggo!
yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Who's the man?
Who's the--
Oh,!
j,T, Should've thought first
and shot later,
when threatened, hornets
mobilize their entire nest to
sting in defense,
The first hornet in sprays him
with a long pheromone,
The other hornets use the scent
of the pheromone to zero in on
their target,
now, j,T, Didn't know a lot
about anything,
Including himself,
For example, he had no idea he
was allergic to Bee venom,
He had a severe reaction called
anaphylaxis and collapsed,
covered with welts from hundreds
of hornets' stings,
What this means is his blood
vessels dilated, causing a drop
in blood pressure,
The airway to his throat and
lungs became swollen, making
breathing impossible,
He quickly went into shock, and
never recovered,
j,T, Died a noble gunman,
fighting for the booty rights to
his texas maiden,
Happy trails, cowboy,
Coming up
a circus freak lives by the
sword, and dies by the
umbrella?
And a nymphomaniac finally meets
her match,
What's up, doc?
come on inside,
You're gonna see a show that
you've never seen before,
Boris was a desperate man,
The recent economic downturn has
made life hard,
This is real and real
dangerous, folks,
So please don't try this at
home,
Especially for a seven-Foot
sword swallower,
He used to pack them in,
Now, he was lucky to get a
busload of blue hairs on their
way to atlantic city,
the key to pulling off a
successful trick is getting the
audience emotionally invested,
If the audience doesn't like
you, and they're not
emotionally invested in you, uh,
when you do this trick, they're
gonna be watching it, um, kinda
like an ancient Roman Audience
would watch a gladiator,
You know, they're watching it--
"Let's see if he gets hurt,"
And, um, that's, uh-- That's not
a good place to be,
That's right,
two blades at one time,
Being a circus freak, Boris
was willing to do anything to
stay afloat,
If one sword didn't wow them,
how about two?
This is extremely dangerous
because at any moment, the
swords could scissor, causing
internal bleeding,
Oh!
And if that didn't do the
trick, he'd take challenges from
the audience,
This day, some cranky, old
pensioner handed him his
umbrella,
Hey, big guy, huh?
How 'bout my umbrella, huh?
Come on, let's see, let's see,
Desperate times call for
desperate measures,
In a dramatic flourish, Boris
hoisted the umbrella over his
head, and proceeded to jam it
down his big and tall gullet,
It was a frightening and
disgusting display,
But the audience couldn't turn
away,
All: Oh, no!
Oh, it's going down,
Boris might've gotten away
with nothing more than a sore
throat, but his giant epiglottis
hit the release mechanism, and
the umbrella opened up, closing
down his windpipe, and sealing
the deal on Boris,
Just about the stupidest
thing I could ever think of
Swallowing would be an umbrella,
I've never done it, I never
will,
It could open up, and if that
happens, a, it's gonna get
lodged in, so you're not gonna
be able to get it out, and in
doing so, you're gonna be
ripping the hell out of your
esophagus,
And also, your, uh, trachea is
gonna be blocked, and your
windpipe, and you won't be able
to breathe,
So you're-- You're--
You're screwed,
he lived by the sword,
He died by the
you got it,
Umbrella,
Some people just seem to ooze
sexuality,
Take Jennifer here,
She can turn a trip to the
supermarket into a lap dance of
longing and lust,
Not only is she sexy, she loves
sex,
Loves having it, loves thinking
about it,
Right now she's thinking about
the hunk over there stacking
cukes,
But she's got a date with some
girlfriends in from out of town,
Too bad for you, cuke stacker,
You have no idea what you're
missing,
Back home, Jennifer unpacks her
day's catch,
But all she can think about is
release,
She just can't shake that vision
of stud boy hosing down the
produce,
Masturbation is an absolutely
amazing thing,
I think it's important for
everyone to masturbate,
It's such a great stress relief,
it helps relieve the tension
through your body, and let's
face it, if you can't make
yourself orgasm all alone, then
sex just isn't the same,
Turns out Jennifer could've
done a better job shaving
her carrot,
A rough edge sliced through her
vaginal wall, and sent an AIR
embolism racing up to her heart,
There would be no happy
ending to this veggie tale,
Stranger things have
happened,
She tore part of her-- Either
vaginal WALL, or some part of
her pelvic area,
Air somehow got in during the
masturbation process, into the
arteries, and the air then went
up to the heart and caused
death,
When we come back, a
motorcycle racer goes to pieces
on a dry lakebed,
El mirage lakebed,
san bernardino, california,
A legendary meeting place for
any gear heads, adrenaline
junkie, or racing fan looking to
push the speed envelope as fast
as they dare,
In this macho world, there's no
bigger name than Ron cook,
A 12-Time land speed record
Holder, Ron's looking for lucky
13,
His goal: 200 miles PER hour or
better,
To help him get there, he's
equipped his bike with nitrous,
Ron wants one simple THING: To
be the fastest in the world,
In less than seven seconds, he's
already at 150 miles per hour,
His record in reach, Ron hits
the nitrous,
Voice over LOUDSPEAKER: Rider
down, Rider down!
Everybody move!
It's the worst case scenario,
Hitting the rock-Hard desert
floor at 200 miles per hour is
the equivalent of taking a
1,200-Pound blow straight to the
head,
Ron's a dead man, right?
Think again,
It's great to be alive, but
at the same time, I'm thinking,
oh, boy, you know, am I gonna
have an arm?
Am I gonna have a leg?
I didn't know,
Ron's injuries were
extensive,
The pain severe,
I ended up having five broken
bones in my right leg, four
bones broken in my right arm,
And I had a lot of bruises,
cuts, uh, but also I had lotta
3rd and 4th-Degree burns,
It's a wonder that I didn't die
in that crash,
I should've-- Shoulda been dead,
Ron never got the record he
set out for, but he didn't walk
away empty-Handed,
The record I was trying to
get was the over 200 mile an
hour record, but I didn't get
that one,
The record I ended up getting,
by default, was the guinness
record for surviving the world's
fastest motorcycle crash at 200
miles an hour,