1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Unforced Errors - full transcript

Sex-crazed beauty works out a fantasy with some fresh-produce. Attorney jumps out of the conference room window on the 40th floor! Young couple has their last "quickie" in a helium-filled deathtrap.

Are you horny for this right


Of course you are,

That's why you're watching the

next episode of 1,000 ways to


Here you'll meet the lawyer

watch this,

who winds up taking the


The texan whose hot wife gives

him the hives,

Help me, trixie!

The sword swallower who bites

off more than he can Chew,

A sexaholic who goes organic,

Some crazy co-Eds who think

life's a gas,

This is so cool!

And a wood chipper with a

manly appetite,

life's good on 1,000 ways to


Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

others can't get out of its way,

Every day, we fight a new war

against germs, toxins, injury,

illness, and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up


The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live

we face 1,000 ways to die,

Great view, isn't it?

Ian Campbell was very

impressed with his law firm's

new offices,

But the thing Ian was most

impressed with was himself,

Did you know I have a


One of his favorite Pastimes

was hitting on the firm's new

female associates,

good places to eat,

You would think a smart

lawyer would know better,

But Ian was a sexual harassment

case in a $1,000 suit,

Partners at law firms have a

lot of power and influence over

the careers of brand new


You really need this job, and

you're really at this guy's


Great view, isn't it?

Ian had a prank he liked to

play to impress the ladies,

In a conference room on the 40th

floor, he'd get a running start

and throw himself into the


The tempered glass would always

bounce him back,

Tempered glass is just


It was developed as a safety

technique so that people

wouldn't get cut on it,

But on sudden impact, it can

just explode,

This building's amazing,

Watch this,

Maybe this sleazebag lawyer

just ran out of luck

or maybe it was the way his

rolex caught the glass

Because Ian took a running


And never stopped,

Oh, my god!

Once you discover that their

imminent death is there, they,

uh, most likely would've pissed

on themselves,

He probably died

instantaneously from the skull

shattering on the ground and his

brain herniating out into the


His spine probably shattered

along with the skull, and

severed his spinal cord, killing


Clearing brush in 110-Degree


Oh, Jessie, sure is hot,

It's a dirty job, but

someone's got to do it,

Tiny and Dale just wish it

wasn't them,

The less than dynamic duo get

the last of the branches to the

top of the hill,

Just one job left,


as machines go, a wood chipper

is a low-Tech brute,

Branches get fed in, spinning

blades grind them up, and

woodchips get spit out,

But it's never easy with these


The last branch gets stuck,

There's a case of cold ones and

a cage fight waiting for them

back at tiny's,

It was time to man up,

Dale tries forcing the branch

through with his feet,

Dale, what're you doing?!

what're you doing?!

Dale finds out the hard way,

A machine made to destroy tree

limbs can also destroy human


help me!

Help me!

Unfortunately, he probably

did feel everything that was

going through him,

Starting with the toes and the

foot, just chewing through the

tissue, ripping muscle from

bone, tearing apart the bone


Dale gets turned into ground


Tiny gets a bloodbath,

Is there a lesson to be learned

from all this carnage?

If you're this stupid, maybe you

deserve to die,

Eat paint, buggo!

Up next


Horny Hubby goes one on one

with hornets,

And two college kids find out

that life's a ball when you die,

Jack and Sally are like any

other college sophomores,


By the looks of it, Jack's

barking up the right tree,

But then a vision appears,

Check-- Check this out,

Check this out,


Across the campus green,

something draws them like moths

to a flame,

A giant basketball,

A leftover from yesterday's pep


We have to get inside of this


The perfect place for a once

in a lifetime quickie,

Find me a hole, find me a


Sally finds the way in and

pulls its zipper down faster

than Jack's fly,

A Peek inside leads to a

surprising discovery,

This is so cool!

Their party balloon is filled

with helium,

Go in,

Oh, yeah,

Oh, my God,


Once inside their laughing

gas Chamber, Sally and Jack are

feeling no pain,

Oh, my god, this is so cool!

We're in a giant basketball,

The thing we get when we go

in the operating room,

So they're actually going under

anesthesia, slowly getting

anesthetized, shutting down

brain function,

At the same time, they're

asphyxiating, and it's gonna

slowly produce a disordered

neurotransmission in the brain,

and shut Higher order centers in

the brain off,

At first it's all fun and


But after a while, their

lightheaded helium buzz becomes

something else,

something a lot worse,

I feel so weird,


I think, uh--

we should probably get some air

really quick,

These two college kids

Should've hit the books a little


A helium-Only environment might

be fun to play in,

You just can't live in it,


Jack and Sally spend their

last moments disoriented, unable

to find the magic zipper,

Keep looking!

finally succumbing to the

lack of oxygen,

Once they locked themselves

inside their funhouse, it was

only a matter of time before

their fun turned to none,

Like most guys from texas, j,T,

Would rather be out drinking

with his buddies than doing yard


But he was no match for his

smoking hot wife trixie,

Oh, I gotta go,

Oh, trixie, ma'am--

Just taking a little water break

here, is all,

Do you like what you had last


Oh, hell yeah I do,

Are you horny for this, right


Yeah, baby, I'm horny for

some O' that,

All right, well, put your

stinger away and get rid of that

hornets' nest,

Do it,

You're my queen!

Threatening to turn off the

nookie nozzle was more than j,T,

Could bear,

It was time to go to war,

All right,

Time to do my business,

Come on,

Come on!

There are a few hundred

hornets in this nest,

You have to understand that

insects do an important job in

nature, whether they're harmful

to us because we make the

mistake of disturbing their nest

or being in a place that they

wanna be,

Come on!

J,T, Was striking out with

the hornets,

But this was texas,

When all else fails, hit the gun


Being more of a suburban cowboy,

j,T, Came back out clutching his

weapon of CHOICE: A paintball


All right, then,

You think you can come between

me and the sanctimony of humpin'

my wife?

Well, eat paint, buggo!


Oh, yeah!

Who's the man?

Who's the--


j,T, Should've thought first

and shot later,

when threatened, hornets

mobilize their entire nest to

sting in defense,

The first hornet in sprays him

with a long pheromone,

The other hornets use the scent

of the pheromone to zero in on

their target,

now, j,T, Didn't know a lot

about anything,

Including himself,

For example, he had no idea he

was allergic to Bee venom,

He had a severe reaction called

anaphylaxis and collapsed,

covered with welts from hundreds

of hornets' stings,

What this means is his blood

vessels dilated, causing a drop

in blood pressure,

The airway to his throat and

lungs became swollen, making

breathing impossible,

He quickly went into shock, and

never recovered,

j,T, Died a noble gunman,

fighting for the booty rights to

his texas maiden,

Happy trails, cowboy,

Coming up

a circus freak lives by the

sword, and dies by the


And a nymphomaniac finally meets

her match,

What's up, doc?

come on inside,

You're gonna see a show that

you've never seen before,

Boris was a desperate man,

The recent economic downturn has

made life hard,

This is real and real

dangerous, folks,

So please don't try this at


Especially for a seven-Foot

sword swallower,

He used to pack them in,

Now, he was lucky to get a

busload of blue hairs on their

way to atlantic city,

the key to pulling off a

successful trick is getting the

audience emotionally invested,

If the audience doesn't like

you, and they're not

emotionally invested in you, uh,

when you do this trick, they're

gonna be watching it, um, kinda

like an ancient Roman Audience

would watch a gladiator,

You know, they're watching it--

"Let's see if he gets hurt,"

And, um, that's, uh-- That's not

a good place to be,

That's right,

two blades at one time,

Being a circus freak, Boris

was willing to do anything to

stay afloat,

If one sword didn't wow them,

how about two?

This is extremely dangerous

because at any moment, the

swords could scissor, causing

internal bleeding,


And if that didn't do the

trick, he'd take challenges from

the audience,

This day, some cranky, old

pensioner handed him his


Hey, big guy, huh?

How 'bout my umbrella, huh?

Come on, let's see, let's see,

Desperate times call for

desperate measures,

In a dramatic flourish, Boris

hoisted the umbrella over his

head, and proceeded to jam it

down his big and tall gullet,

It was a frightening and

disgusting display,

But the audience couldn't turn


All: Oh, no!

Oh, it's going down,

Boris might've gotten away

with nothing more than a sore

throat, but his giant epiglottis

hit the release mechanism, and

the umbrella opened up, closing

down his windpipe, and sealing

the deal on Boris,

Just about the stupidest

thing I could ever think of

Swallowing would be an umbrella,

I've never done it, I never


It could open up, and if that

happens, a, it's gonna get

lodged in, so you're not gonna

be able to get it out, and in

doing so, you're gonna be

ripping the hell out of your


And also, your, uh, trachea is

gonna be blocked, and your

windpipe, and you won't be able

to breathe,

So you're-- You're--

You're screwed,

he lived by the sword,

He died by the

you got it,


Some people just seem to ooze


Take Jennifer here,

She can turn a trip to the

supermarket into a lap dance of

longing and lust,

Not only is she sexy, she loves


Loves having it, loves thinking

about it,

Right now she's thinking about

the hunk over there stacking


But she's got a date with some

girlfriends in from out of town,

Too bad for you, cuke stacker,

You have no idea what you're


Back home, Jennifer unpacks her

day's catch,

But all she can think about is


She just can't shake that vision

of stud boy hosing down the


Masturbation is an absolutely

amazing thing,

I think it's important for

everyone to masturbate,

It's such a great stress relief,

it helps relieve the tension

through your body, and let's

face it, if you can't make

yourself orgasm all alone, then

sex just isn't the same,

Turns out Jennifer could've

done a better job shaving

her carrot,

A rough edge sliced through her

vaginal wall, and sent an AIR

embolism racing up to her heart,

There would be no happy

ending to this veggie tale,

Stranger things have


She tore part of her-- Either

vaginal WALL, or some part of

her pelvic area,

Air somehow got in during the

masturbation process, into the

arteries, and the air then went

up to the heart and caused


When we come back, a

motorcycle racer goes to pieces

on a dry lakebed,

El mirage lakebed,

san bernardino, california,

A legendary meeting place for

any gear heads, adrenaline

junkie, or racing fan looking to

push the speed envelope as fast

as they dare,

In this macho world, there's no

bigger name than Ron cook,

A 12-Time land speed record

Holder, Ron's looking for lucky


His goal: 200 miles PER hour or


To help him get there, he's

equipped his bike with nitrous,

Ron wants one simple THING: To

be the fastest in the world,

In less than seven seconds, he's

already at 150 miles per hour,

His record in reach, Ron hits

the nitrous,

Voice over LOUDSPEAKER: Rider

down, Rider down!

Everybody move!

It's the worst case scenario,

Hitting the rock-Hard desert

floor at 200 miles per hour is

the equivalent of taking a

1,200-Pound blow straight to the


Ron's a dead man, right?

Think again,

It's great to be alive, but

at the same time, I'm thinking,

oh, boy, you know, am I gonna

have an arm?

Am I gonna have a leg?

I didn't know,

Ron's injuries were


The pain severe,

I ended up having five broken

bones in my right leg, four

bones broken in my right arm,

And I had a lot of bruises,

cuts, uh, but also I had lotta

3rd and 4th-Degree burns,

It's a wonder that I didn't die

in that crash,

I should've-- Shoulda been dead,

Ron never got the record he

set out for, but he didn't walk

away empty-Handed,

The record I was trying to

get was the over 200 mile an

hour record, but I didn't get

that one,

The record I ended up getting,

by default, was the guinness

record for surviving the world's

fastest motorcycle crash at 200

miles an hour,