The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Night of the Amnesiac - full transcript

Special agent West is charged with the responsibility to transport the state's only supply of a smallpox vaccine to safety. On the way, West's stagecoach is ambushed by a gang, led by Silas Crotty, who steals the serum and shoots West as he tries to protect the vaccine. When West awakens in the field, he has lost his memory and his identity.

Dryer than me
wife's imagination.

Twice as dusty.

Do you mind?

No, I don't mind.

There are some that
say god looks after fools,


and the United States.

May I see that?

I'm thinking you should
have a drink with me.

That's interesting.

I'd like to, but I'm on duty.

I thought so.

What is your name?

James West.

Irish is mine.

Ho. Ho.

Habla español?

Si, señor.

Then you lay yourself
over that horse,

and if you move when I get down,

I'm gonna blow your head off.

I'd better have a look at him.

Check inside the box, Rusty.

It's here.

Don't move it.

We're taking the stage too.

That wasn't in
your brother's plan.

Well, maybe my brother's
not part of my plans.

Take my horse.

Confound it, Gordon.

The town of Brandon reports

that it hasn't even seen
a stagecoach mirage.

I'm aware of that.
And in the 24 hours

that West and that
vaccine have been gone,

three hundred more cases
of smallpox have broken out.

And then this.

This little message
comes to my office,

mailed even before West
set out with that vaccine.

"Interested in
finding the vaccine?

Contact 124AJ."

How do we know
they have the vaccine?

And who is this 124AJ, anyway?

I don't know, colonel.

I've telegraphed the data bureau

in order to have
them check it out.

We don't even know if this
whole thing is nothing but a false...

There's the answer to the first
part of your question, colonel.

They've got the vaccine.

Oh, that's just fine.

You don't know the full
extent of this, Gordon.

That box Jim was guarding

contained the Western
States' entire supply.

Couldn't they ship some
over from back east?

All we want, yes.

But it'll take six days

before it can possibly reach us.

Hmm. Six days.

In that length of time,

we should have a full-scale
epidemic on our hands.

Whoever arranged this
hijacking is already responsible

for an awful lot of
deaths, but on top of that,

they know they've got a
diamond mine on their hands.

This could cost the
government millions.

There's the answer to the
second part of the question, colonel.

Number 124AJ

belongs to Furman Crotty,

currently residing
in Leavenworth.

Here he is...


Formerly known as Furman Crotty,

grand caliph of Kansas crime,

who's been known
to remark facetiously

or regard people as flies,

and myself as a
long-overdue insecticide.

Very pretty.

I'd know that voice anywhere.

The other upright young member

of the West-Gordon team

who installed me
here two years ago.

Where is Jim West?

Nice of you to pay
me a visit, Gordon.

I do appreciate it.

I asked you a question.
Where's Jim West?

Why don't you
consult a ouija board?

Listen... Don't, Mr. G.

Not while I have the vaccine.

What vaccine?

Part of it came through
your train window

this morning, remember?

The serial number on that bottle

was 848...


Care to hear more?

What are you
gunning for, Crotty?

My release from prison,

with a full pardon.

If you deliver that
vaccine and Jim West,

maybe I'll discuss your terms.


I'm stunned by
your sentimentality.

Why, you're probably
the type who approves

of bronze plating baby
shoes. I, of course,

approve of bronze
plating the baby,

but... the vaccine

and Jim West.

Gordon, I'd like to
accommodate you,

but I can't. I don't
have the body.

However, I'm certain you can

locate it easily enough.

Just follow the buzzards.

It's a good thing for you,

me and Grazelda came along

before some
criminal-minded person.

You might have lost a nice hat

like this for sure.

But, uh, me, I'm an honest man.

Oh, Grazelda.

It's takes a fancier
rack than I got

to put a hat on like this.

You see, Grazelda
won't be satisfied

unless she sees the
hat on me, and I...

But, uh...

If you have any objections,

just say so.


Well, that's right
neighborly of you.

Yes, sir.

It's a good thing we came along.

They'd have took all
these fine things from you

without even a howdy-do.

Ah, now, uh,

you sure you don't want
the gun belt, neither?

Thank you.

See, when you're nice to people,

they can't do enough
for you, Grazelda.

Come on, girl.

Where can we
pick up the vaccine?

There'll be
instructions in Brandon,

in the church poor box.

How soon will it be there?

One hour after I leave here.


Telegraph Washington.

Come on. Just...

I just don't feel
like being friendly.

Come on.

Let go of me. You're hurting me!

Leave me alone.

Come on.

Get away from me.
Get away from me!

Please let me alone. Come on.

I don't want it. Come on. No.

Why don't you leave her alone?

Okay, loudmouth,

you want to protect
the little lady.

That was awful nice
of you to do that for me.

That fellow's been
bothering me an awful lot

the last couple
of weeks, actually.

I really well appreciate
you doing that.

Oh, come on, fellow.

Please get well. Just relax.

Relax, relax.

Come on, fellow.

Come on, relax.


What in high-flying
blue blazes do you mean,

scaring the wits
out of me like that?

My mum! You killed Cassandra,

my prized mum.


Manslaughter, but I had
no intention of murder.

Oh, that's right, make excuses.

Oh, why do I always
get mixed up with people

who aren't worth
the glue on a stamp?

I'll buy you another Cassandra.

Oh, you can't buy Cassandras.

You have to grow them,
just like you can't make

rich old biddies let me
into their flower show,

and flower shows
make blue ribbons,

and blue ribbons
make blue blood,

and green tea parties,

and talking to me on the street.

Oh, please, please don't stop.

Your voice is so clear,

like the bells of Notre Dame.

Oh, what's that?

That's a cathedral in Paris.

You've been to Paris, France?

I suppose I have.

Oh, tell me about it, please.

I'm sorry for what I
said about Cassandra.

I can fix them. Tell
me about it, please.

I'd be delighted to, um...

Oh, I'm Cloris.

It's Cloris Colton.


But first,

you tell me who I am.

I can't remember a thing,

not even my own name.

I won't trouble the guards

to make up your bunk, Crotty.

State regulations
force me to offer you

this change of clothing.

And good taste
forces me to refuse.

Save it for Easter, warden.

Go on. Giddyap.

When you were doctoring my head,

did I talk to you?

Yeah, you told me
how I should fix it.

In medical terms?

I don't think so.

Well, try and remember
my exact words.

Well, I am trying.

Cloris, when you're
trying to rebuild a life,

you grab any piece
of lumber you can find.

Señorita. Tequila.

Oh, just a minute.

Why do you have
to have exact words?

If I used medical terms,
I could be a doctor.

I was shot at. I
could be an outlaw,

a sheriff, a bounty hunter.

I have to know my
exact words. Please try.



Ah, the gringo from
the stagecoach.

Kill him.

Kill him.


Come on.

They're not following us.

Oh, you're hurt.

What's the matter, mister?
You lose something?

Yes, I certainly did,
a very large rabbit.

A white one about...

Oh, I didn't think
you'd believe me.

I can't understand it, though.

I had it right in here
under these flowers.

I just don't know
where it's gone.

Sorry. Not open.

Uh, that's perfectly
all right, my good man.

I'm merely passing through.

Now, for my next trick...

Oh, hey, you better sit down.

Hey, how's your
mouth? Is it okay?

Yeah, it's all right, I guess.

I suppose you don't know
who those men are, huh?

I have no idea.

Well, they sure seemed
to know who you were.

They looked like they
were really going to kill you.

I got that impression.

How long you been like this,

not knowing who you are?

I don't know.

I woke up in the
prairie last night.

I had a terrible headache.

I saw the lights of the
city and the rest you know.

Well, I guess it
was a good thing

you came in when you did.

You know, that
cowboy and everything.

Well, you should be more
careful who you pick to walk with.

Pick to walk with?
You think I picked him?

My goodness. I didn't
have any say in the matter.

Oh, these cowboys around here.

Just because a girl
works in a saloon,

they think that she just doesn't

have any feelings or anything.

Well, one, I know that
this dress doesn't make me

look any more ladylike,

but that doesn't give any
dumb old cowboy the right

to treat me like I was different
from anybody else, or anything.

You are different,

but it's a good difference.

Well, try to tell any
of those others that.

Is that why you grow flowers,

to enter into the
ladies' flower shows?

Well, I figure if
some of my plants

can win some prizes,

then everybody in town
will think I'm not just a...

saloon girl.

Is it really important to you

what everybody in town thinks?

Well, I guess it's
as important to me

as your memory is to you.

My memory. I've got
to find out who I am.

Hey, wait. Let me help.

You've already helped enough.

No, no, no, I mean, help
you find out who you are.

If I can find out who those
men are who tried to kill you,

then maybe I can find out
why, and maybe even more.

Hey, this isn't a game.
Those men are killers.

Good heavens, I know that.

Now, listen, you go up to
my room where it'll be safe.

And listen, stay away
from my flowers, hear?

Mr. Crotty don't like his
food messed around with.

I'm curious, Rusty,

how do you like being
my brother's watchdog?


You're a lot to watch, Silas.

Suppose you try
calling me Mr. Crotty.

There's only one
Mr. Crotty here, Silas.

You're sure going
to a lot of trouble

to put me in my place, Furman.

Makes me think
you're afraid of me.

I might be, Silas,

if I didn't know
how loyal you are.

Thank you, brother.

Allow me.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave

when first we
practice to deceive.

What are you talking
about, Furman?

You should have
practiced a little more, Silas.

My being away gave you

a chance to have power.

It's like being given
a second set of lungs.

Take it away and
you feel suffocated.

How does it feel, Silas?

Every time I have to kill
someone who's family,

I get depressed.

Mr. Crotty, West isn't dead.

We just saw him in the saloon.

Then I'm sure he will be.

Come in.

I found out a few
things about you.

You want to hear the good
part or the bad part first?

Let's start with the good.

Well, I know who you are,

at least I know
what your name is.

They called you
West. A Mr. West.

Well, doesn't that
make you remember?

No, not a thing.

Who were they?

Oh, that's the bad part.

Those men who
attacked you in the saloon,

they're outlaws and
they got orders to kill you.


I don't know.

Who gave the orders?

The bartender said
they work for a criminal

named Furman Crotty.

Since Crotty's men
are the only people

that know who I am, I
better speak with them.

Tell them I'll meet them in
the livery stable in 15 minutes.

I don't mend broken toys

just to throw
them into a bonfire.

They're going to
set a trap, you know.

Cloris, why did you, uh,

why did you help
me in the first place?

Um, well, because
you were nice to me.

But you deserved it. Ha.

It seems that, uh,

you don't know
who you are, either.

Yes I do, I'm a
one-syllable waitress

who can't seem to earn respect
from the right kind of people.

You want to hear something
interesting about yourself?

You know something, your
fists aren't your only weapon.

But if you think you
can kiss me into...

Ah, uh, whatever
your first name is,

your middle name's
trouble. I don't want any.

Cloris, you're going to do
exactly what I asked you to.

Well, if that's what
you think, mister.



Oh, phooey. I never will
be a strong-minded person.

But after I deliver
that message,

it's going to be goodbye
and good riddance.

Well, it's not that
I don't like you,

but I've liked other men,
and look where it's got me.

"I've decided to raise
the price of the vaccine.

One million dollars in
gold to be deposited..."

Shame on you, Pinocchio.

Your nose just
grew at least a foot.

Who told you to pass along
that cock-and-bull story?

One of the girls
that works here.

What's her name?


She said Mr. West told her

to get in touch with you guys.

Mr. West wants to meet
you at the livery stable. Ah!

West doesn't have somebody else

deliver his messages for him.

Honest, it was him.

He did. Believe me, he did.

I can't help it if you
think he's acting strange,

neither can he, 'cause he
can't remember who he is.

We scrambled his
brains for him, huh?

All right, fellas.

We'll go and fry
the rest of him.

We'll find him.

Hey, you.

What in tarnation are you
doing with that window display?

Don't shoot. You can
have anything you want.

No one's gonna hurt you.

I want to know where
you got that gun.

Why, uh... What's it to you?

You come storming in here,

and frighten the wits out
of an honest merchandi...

I'm going to ask you
just once more, mister.

Who sold this to you?

Some old sourdough
off the trail come in here

Three-quarters an hour
ago. What was his name?

I don't remember his
name. Honest, I don't.

Give me a chance
to look it up. Please.

Here. He couldn't
sign except with an "x."

His name was Peepers.
Claude Peepers.

Which way did he
go when he left here?

East along Front Street. Thanks.

Hey, I gave Peepers
$3 for that gun.

Keep the change.

You're welcome.

They're planning to ambush you.

Come on, I'll
lead you out of it.

Didn't they believe I just
wanted to talk to them?

No, they didn't
believe me. Come on.

I didn't steal these
clothes. He give them to me.

How come you're so
anxious to get rid of them?

Well, he might
be an Indian giver.

I mean, it got around

he was tangling
with Crotty's gang.


Over there at
that livery stable.

They threatened to kill me.

Hello, West.

Is that my name? Yeah.

And I'm gonna kill you. Vaughn.

Why? Oh, that reminds me.

I forgot to disarm you.

Do I usually carry a gun?

You're not trying to say you
don't have one on someplace?

No, no. I don't have any gun.

Well, that's too bad.

I was going to suggest that
we have a quick-draw contest,

but never mind.

I guess we can
remedy that somehow.

First you buckle it on,

and then you tie it down.

You just stand there

while you're still
able to stand.

Thank you.

You right or left-handed?

Uh, never mind. You'll
find out soon enough.

Start counting. MAN: 1...





And then he shot all
three. Pow. Pow. Pow.

And there was three men.
One was on a balcony...

Wait a minute, did you see
the man who did the shooting?

Sure. I saw everything.

Do you know which way he went?

Sure. He went down
that street the theater's on.

Thanks a lot, boy.

And then he shot
'em. Pow. Pow. Pow.


Now, I want to ask
you some questions,

and you're going to
give me the answers.


You, don't come any closer.

Why? What's up?

Hey, that's very funny, friend,

but that's a little bit
too close for comfort.

What do you mean "friend"?

Artie, behind you!

Hey, uh, did I miss something?

What was that game
you were playing?

Medically speaking,
you'd call it amnesia.

Artie, but you...
You being in danger,

you brought me back.

And may I say, in my
humble life-loving opinion,

not a moment too soon.

Welcome to Crotty's
genocide club,

the only truly liberal
establishment of its kind.

We'll kill anyone,
no questions asked,

particularly you three.

I set your ransom

at $500,000 each.

Very flattering
amount, don't you think?

We're impressed.

One million for our safe return,

one million for the vaccine,

that ought to dry up
a lot of rainy days.

Not with my scale of living.

You know, I remember
when I hired killers

for $20 a month.

Now you'd get a cross-eyed
kid with a slingshot.

Pardon me for being selfish

and thinking about
our own petty problems,

but what about the vaccine?

The exchange has been
made, if that's what you mean.

Our government has it?


Unfortunately, my delivery boy

is rather nearsighted.

Your side paid $1 million

for 100 vials of well water.


this epidemic has
already reached

monumental proportions.

Thousands more are going to die.

Don't you care how
many people you kill?

They're inferior.

They're the great unwashed.

Plymouth Rock should
have landed on the pilgrims.

What do you plan to do?

Single-handedly level

this great nation

into one huge sand pile,

and rebuild it to be inhabited

only by machines and me.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have some
vaccine to dispose of.

West, why is it so cold in here?

Are you all right, Cloris?

I'm fine.

So they move, we switch hotels.

I don't like being
roped into things.

Motion second and carried.

You know, Artie, somehow,

this just seems too easy.

You know, you almost
get the impression

that he wants us to escape.


what you would estimate
our combined weight to be?

Four hundred and
sixty-two pounds.

Diluted nicotine solution

works best for peonies.

Diluted nicotine solution
works best for peonies.

This is a drayman's shop.

This is a wagon scale.

Well, then why can't
we just get off it?

I suspect that there's
a goodly amount

of explosives underneath.

Triggered to go off
the moment that scale

registers less than 462 pounds.

Oh, then we can't get
off it after all, can we?

We can if we can replace

the total of our
combined weight.

You ready? Yeah.

Another thought occurs to me.

What if more weight rather
than less is what triggers it off?

Now you tell me.

Oh, why don't we just stay here?

It doesn't matter, Jim. We
still gotta take the chance.

More, Artie.


Let's try it again.

It's empty.

Well, any little bit
of weight helps.

Let's get it on.

Thirty pounds.

That's 200 pounds.

That frees you, Jim. Go ahead.

We're still 42 pounds short.


Get her.

We've got 14 pounds
leeway. Let's go!


That's smallpox, Jim.

We've gotta get her to a doctor.

Artie, you take her.

I've got a small score
to settle with Crotty.

Not without me, you don't.

Sorry, Artie.


Oh, I'm sorry.

I knew I had a cold,

but I didn't think
I was so weak.

It's no dinner. I didn't
have any dinner.

Raise your hammer high, Rusty.

Begin your work.

You know, there's only
one thing that bothers me

after what we
did to the theater.

What do we do for a third act?


I told Cloris that we would
celebrate her recovery

by taking her and a friend

to the Paradise Room for dinner.

And after that we can go
for a little dancing. Huh, Artie?

Yeah, but...

There it is.

Senator Overton
requires the presence

of all personnel at
his wife's musicale.

Only sudden emergency or illness

will be considered
sufficient excuse for absence.

Well, that takes care of
the dinner and the dancing.

I wouldn't mind that so much,

but Mrs. Overton
sings like a vulture.

I don't suppose
it would be worth

breaking a leg just
to miss, do you?

Where am I?


Great scott!

You've had a sudden
relapse of your amnesia.

Who are you?

Oh, I prescribe a very simple
nourishing meal to begin with.

And then after that, Who am I?

A little bit of
medicinal dancing,

and then we can go...