The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Night of the Turncoat - full transcript

Elisha Calamander, a thief of priceless art for wealthy clientèle, discredits agent West, who is severely punished by the government with a discharge from the special forces. Calamander offers West $50,000 to help with a special secret assignment.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.


Stop him! He held up the bank!

He slugged me.

Hold it.

This man's dead. What happened?

He's a bank robber.

He slugged the teller
as he was making off...

Doesn't seem to have gotten away

with much of a haul, does he?

I can't help that.

He was running out of the bank,

the teller at his heels
screaming bloody murder.

What teller? The one that...

Came running out
of this bank, you say?

Yeah, that bank.

No, no, please!

No, don't hit me again.

Please, don't hit me again.

Somebody, help me please!

Oh, for shame.

Raising a hand to
the man of the cloth.

But I didn't, ma'am.

He didn't? All of a sudden,
for no reason at all...

You ought to be horsewhipped.

No, no, dear lady,

let us rather heed the
words of the gospel...

Be not overcome of evil,

but overcome evil with good.

Peace to you, my
misguided brother.

He grabbed the poor parson,

slammed him up against the
side of the elevator, and started...

Why don't you
tell the truth, huh?


Excuse me. Pardon me.

Turn him loose, Jim.

Colonel, I don't
know what this is all...

I said turn him loose.

If, ladies and gentlemen,

I say, if you have been angered,

frightened, or even amused

by what you have just seen here,

if, in short, you
have been caught up

by this brief excerpt
from our little play,

then I am sure you
will certainly want to see

the rest of Fabian Replogle's

gripping new play,

Because She's Your Sister, Son.

Currently showing all this week

at the Haymarket Theater.

You will laugh with
a tear in your eye.

You will cry with a
smile in your heart

over this tender love-drama

woven around a million stories

of happy family life.

Remember, the
Haymarket all this week.

Thank you for your attention.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, now, back to
the serious business

of ordering a wine.

Artie, I was just
explaining to the colonel

how I didn't rough
up the preacher.

You don't have to
explain that to me, Jim.

Oh, Eau de Juvnal.

A sunny, good-natured

I didn't so much as
lay a finger on him.

At ease, Jim.

Now, I suggested this dinner
so we could talk unofficially.

About my behavior the last
couple of weeks, right, colonel?

Come on, Jim, stop it.

Well, that is right, isn't it?

Yes, decidedly.

Excuse me, gentlemen,
but your wine list.

Well, I accidentally dropped it.

Well, let's see... Eau de Juvnal

because we're in such a
sunny, good-natured mood.

As I was saying, there was
an incident a few weeks ago

and I started receiving gifts.

As if someone was making
a payment for favors granted,

only the department never
bought that for a moment.

Oh, well, I'm touched, colonel.

And then there was
those anonymous letters

about me welshing
on my gambling debts.

Nobody took that seriously,
Jim, and you know it.

Mm-hmm. And
then I shoot in the air,

and I... I kill a bank robber
who isn't a bank robber

because the bank hasn't
been in operation for years.

Now stop it, Jim.
That's an order.

And then tonight, I
rough up a preacher

for no apparent reason!


I'm sorry I'm late, darling,

but you know how it is
shopping with mother.

No, I don't know how it is.

Oh, Jim, they're
gonna think you're real...

Oh, you must be
Colonel Richmond.

Crystal Fair's my name.

How do you do?

And you're Artemus Gordon.

Oh. Jim's told me
so much about you.

I feel like we're
old friends too.

Oh, you dog, how
did you keep this one

undercover all this time?

Because I never saw this
woman before in my life.

Jim. Oh, I see.

Then you still haven't
forgiven me for the other night?

I said I'm sorry. Now
what more can I do?

You can start by telling
me what your game is,

and who put you up to it.

Oh, when you said it
would never work out,

I should have believed you

instead of coming
here and trying to...

Oh, Jim.

Oh, bravo.

Be ready when the curtain
goes up, Miss Bernhardt.

Don't hit me again, Jim, please.


As you were, mister.

Now, the next time we
have matters to discuss,

it will be over
an official table.

Did you gentlemen on the board
come to any decision in there?

Hold it, gentlemen. Hold it.

Now, Hansbury, we've
always cooperated

with the Tribune,
with all of you boys.

So where the devil
did you get the idea

Mr. West is on the pan?

The colonel sent
us this fact sheet.

It has the time, place,
and the charges.

I've never seen
this before in my life.

Then Mr. West is not on the pan?

Of course he isn't.
Mr. West is one of the most

highly-regarded men
in the department.

Even after last night?

Oh, come on, boys,
last night was just

one of those things.
Youthful high spirits.

You're both young enough
to still remember that, I'm sure.

Mr. West is, uh, leaving
us only for a long-awaited

and a richly deserved vacation.

Ah, but it's also a
special vacation.

Long-awaited, true, gentlemen,

and richly deserved.

And also, I might
add, permanent,

and I'm delighted
about the whole thing.

Hey, Jim, really,

that last remark
wasn't called for.

Sergeant of ordnance.


Well, I just...

I just fired that for
effect, sergeant.

You see, the forward
battery needs some reloading.

Look, general,
your artillery fire

is starting to
annoy the natives.

Why don't you get out of here?

Give the nice man
what he wants, Lobo.

Hey, what about your drink?


My luck, wouldn't you know it?

I run into the same
oriental beauty.

I tell you, she has to
be the eyes of that gang,

and I follow her into what
turns out to be a tattoo parlor.

I knew if I turned
around and walked out,

I'd arouse suspicion, so...

I wound up getting
myself tattooed.

And then?

Well, then Jim came
in playing the role

of busted agent to the hilt.

I tell you, colonel, you
should have seen him.

Well, go on, go on.

Nothing. He wound up
going into this little booth,

drew the curtain and...

Curtains, that was all.

And he never came out?

No, not through that
front door he didn't. No, sir.

Well, now, I don't know
what you're so happy about.

He could be at the bottom
of San Francisco Bay

at this very moment.

Oh, come on, colonel.

We know whoever
went to all of this trouble

to build an ornate plan
to make Jim look bad

had a lot more in
mind for him than that.

Yes, yes, I agree. By
Godfrey. I think your plan

worked out fine
this time. Thanks.

I think we really pulled
the wool over the eyes of...

Of who? Who is Mr. Big?

And what operation
is he cooking up

that Jim has obviously
been assigned a role in?

Well, I tell you, colonel,

that's one minor detail

I haven't figured out yet.

What are you
going to do about it?

I don't know.

I think I may even learn

to grow fond of
it after a while.

What? Now, I'm not talking
about your blasted tattoo.

I'm talking about Jim.

Now, what's our next move?

Colonel, our next move
is the toughest of them all.

We just sit

and wait to hear from him.

The couch you are rising from

once sagged beneath the weight

of the queen of
all the Assyrians.

May one hope that
you rested as well

as that scarlet-lipped
Semiramis herself.

Who are you?

Your host.

You've met Song, of course.

Several times.

Just before disaster struck.

And you remember Raymond?

The kindly doctor
with his bag of tricks.

And, uh... And my victim?


And the phony preacher man.

And no party would be
complete without Crystal.

Where is she?

At your side, Jim, darling,

where I belong.

You haven't introduced yourself.

Elisha Calamander,

your humble servant.

The man responsible
for the pranks

I've been subjected to.

One feels obliged to say yes.

One finds you
quite amazing, sir.

With the drug's effects
far from dissipated,

it should have been impossible
for you to have done this.

I'll get to you yet, Calamander.

Of course, only one
hopes that that will be

when you are properly
freshened and barbered.

You could have a point there.

You're the least talkative
barber I've ever met.

That is bad, yes?

No, that's wonderful.

What are you doing here anyway?

A servant to Mr. Calamander.

A servant?

Honorable parents very
poor when Song small.

Afraid Song go
hungry too many times.

Mr. Calamander
offered to save my life.

So Calamander bought
you from your parents.


Long as honorable master lives,

Song will serve him.

Ever thought of
growing a beard, Jim?

Incidentally, if you
can spare the time,

Mr. Calamander
would like to see you.

Can't keep my host
waiting. Thank you.

Sit down, Mr. West.

Are you still bitter, sir?

Should I be grateful, sir?

Yes. One asks you to reflect.

Years of dedicated
service, brilliant work,

dangerous, wretchedly paid,

and see how callously
they have cast you off

like an old shoe.

Yes, sir, those are pistols
being trained upon you,

so hear me out, if you will.

One knows the range
of your talents, Mr. West.

One cherishes them as much

as your late employers ever did.

The only difference being,

one is prepared to pay for them,

and pay very well indeed.

What's your game?

My game, as you put it,

is a passion for anonymity.

Have you ever heard
of me before, sir?

And yet, one may
modestly lay claim

to being at the top
of one's profession.

What is one's profession?

One is in touch with
many wealthy men

who hunger after
treasures so illicit

they may never show
them to anyone else.

Yet treasures,
nevertheless, they must have.

The Venus de Milo,

the Mona Lisa,

the Crown Jewels

of England.

One supplies such items
for very handsome prices.

Where do I come in?

More about that later.

For now, look inside
your jacket pocket,

if you will.


Mere token money.

Just to show our
good faith, as it were.

A mere 10 percent
of what we are offering

for your services, Mr. West.


Take it, Jim.

It means independence, Mr. West.

It recognizes the fact

that the laborer is
worthy of his hire.

Also, it is the nicest way

you can thumb your nose

at Mr. Gordon, Colonel Richmond,

and all the rest of
that dreary crew.

This calls for a celebration.

I'll take you to dinner.


Will there be
anything else, sir?

No, thank you. Of course.

I wish you could
have seen your face

when I danced up
to you and the others.

"Sorry I'm late, darling,

but you know how it is
shopping with mother."

When are you going to
start asking questions?

Well, I didn't know
I was supposed to.

You don't fool me
any because I know

you're just dying to
find out what the job is

Calamander wants you to do.

No. Calamander will tell me

when he wants to tell me.

Oh, good. I'm glad
you feel that way,

because I'm not going
to tell you anything.

I'm glad to hear it.

I'm not even gonna tell you

why Calamander picked you.

Because you're some
sort of superman.

Superman? Now I know
you're pulling my leg.

No, honest, honest.

See, Calamander needed somebody

who's a talented
swimmer, and a diver,

and an acrobat, and a fighter,

and a mountain
climber, and et cetera.

And that's you.


And from what I understand,

you're gonna need
all those special skills

to carry off that little chore

Calamander's got
lined up for you.

Steal back...

I'd like to get out of
here. You talk too much.

All right.


So to recap the information

that Jim passed on
to me on that menu,

Check Elisha Calamander.

Did it. We don't
have a thing on him.

Pick, swim, dive,
fight, acro, shoot, climb

for steal thing. Steal what?"

Now, roughly translated,
that means that Jim

was chosen by a
certain Mr. Calamander

for a project that requires
talent at swimming, diving,

shooting, fighting,
and acrobatics.

That third postscript
is just to tell us

all this activity was for the
purpose of stealing back

something that was
stolen to begin with.

Well, what was
it that was stolen

that Calamander
wants to steal back?

Where is it now, and when
is it all going to take place?

Well, I don't know,
sir. Jim did not say.

All right. I'll read
the list over again.

A set of series R plates
stolen from the mint,

$128,000 worth of
government securities

stolen from the bureau
of printing and engraving,

two Gatling guns stolen from

Fort Winfield Scott
during maneuvers...

Excuse me, I think you're
just getting colder and colder.

Well, then we don't know
one blasted thing, do we?

I wouldn't say that, colonel.

I know that Mr. Calamander
is a patron of the fine arts,

I know that he goes
in for big projects,

and I also know he loves
to make elaborate gestures.

Well, now, how do you know that?

I had that checked out.

Now, that once
belonged to Maria Sophia,

queen of Portugal.

It was stolen from
the Museum of Lisbon.

It's priceless. What's
the connection?

That's the ring Crystal
threw back at Jim

when she broke their engagement.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Ah, Mr. West.

Take a moment to
acknowledge perfection

so exultant that it pains.

Very beautiful, sir.

I'm glad you agree with me.

Oh, by the way,

Moke informs me

that you composed these symbols.

One is tempted to wonder
whether those symbols

form some sort of a code
to be picked up, let us say,

by a colleague disguised

as a waiter or a busboy?

I don't like troublemakers.

An interesting
piece of byplay, sir,

but hardly an answer
to one's question.

What do these symbols say?

Honorable one.

And exactly what
does that mean, Song?

Patterns on rice paper.

Silly game Song
taught Mr. West to play.

Song ashamed to
be cause of trouble.

A simple explanation.

One wonders why
you didn't make it.

I would have gotten
around to it eventually.

One offers apologies.

One accepts.

And now, Mr. West,
perhaps it is as good a time

as any to acquaint you
with our little project.

Well, Artemus?

I'm sorry, colonel.

I've been juggling

all the elements in this case.

All of Jim's special skills,

the topographical features
that seem to be indicated,

like the body of water.

In other words, nothing, right?

Everything but the
what and the where.

What is it that
Calamander is going for,

and where is the big
operation going to take place?


Later, Keeley. I don't
want to be interrupted.

Excuse me, sir, it's
marked "top urgent."

Well, more trouble.

Some experimental chemical
has been found missing.

Killesium, whatever that is.

No, that's... That's kilesium.

It's a distillate of seawater.

Accidentally discovered
by Dr. Quandum

during his famous
experiments on high pressures.

Eventually resulted
in his death,

as a matter of fact.

Kilesium was found to contain

the most asphyxiating...


I thought there was only
one vial of that in existence.

Yes, well, that's
what's been stolen.

What are we gonna do about Jim?

I don't know.

I'm sure he must realize

that we don't have
enough information

to do anything that...

What is it?

How long ago was that
vial of kilesium stolen?

Probably a month.

All right, I've seen that Mona
Lisa smile of yours before.

What do you got cooking?

It works. It fits.

It's the kilesium that
Calamander is after.

Well, now, how do you know that?

A, because it was
stolen to begin with.

B, because anyone who
possesses that vial can get

almost any price he cares
to name in certain quarters.

It's that deadly.

Do you realize that
with enough kilesium,

one could decimate
this entire country

within a matter of 24 hours,

and that one small vial
is the only sample known.

Well, if your theory is correct,
then we're worse off than ever.

A tiny vial like that could
be hidden anywhere.

That's C, sir.

I think I can tell you
exactly where it is.

Now, listen to this. Kilesium
is extremely unstable.

At a temperature of 70 degrees,
under normal air pressure,

it converts immediately
into a poison gas.

The most deadly
poison gas that ever was.

In order to be stored safely,

it has to be maintained
in a saline solution

at a temperature
under 70 degrees,

at a pressure of 29
pounds per square inch.

The simplest and most
logical way to do that

would be to store it
in a tank of seawater.

Wait a minute.

A tank 30 feet deep.

Now, that... That would account
for the diving and swimming

that are called for. Right.

Now, a tank of
seawater 30 feet high

would have to be situated
right off the seacoast

so that the constantly
evaporating seawater

could be constantly
replenished. Exactly.

Oh, Artemus, that would
be a risky undertaking,

because every coastal
installation and building

would be subject to
government approval and control.

Yes, but there's a
chain of saltwater lakes

right here in this area,
far from the coast.

The traces of
antediluvian inland oceans.

They would make a perfect spot
in which somebody could keep

a 30-foot tank of
saltwater in private.


On the salt lakes in the area,

I want every map and
chart you can beg, borrow,

and commandeer. Yes, sir.

The hand of Saint Stephen,

one of the old
relics of martyrdom.

So, this is what puts the
gleam in your client's eye.

The price it commands

is exceeded only
by the burning desire

and the pocketbook of the buyer,

both, as it happens,
of gigantic proportions.

So, you see, the $100,000
that you make off the deal

will hardly dent the budget.

One had already
settled Mr. West's price

at $50,000, my dear.


excuse me.

Still, sir, $100,000
is no more than fair.

One is inclined to agree.

$100,000 it is.

And now that Crystal's
passionate preoccupation

with money has
doubled your dividend,

let us go on to talk about

a certain Mr. Inigo Golem.
Is the name familiar?

He's the director of the
marine biological institution

at Fowles Point inland sea.

That, sir,

is the face he presents
to a credulous world.

In point of fact, Mr. Golem
has recently branched out

into the same line
of business as myself.

He stole a march on me

by securing the
hand before I could,

and within a 30-foot
tank in his laboratory,

he has hidden away the prize.

And my job is to liberate it.


Sir, how do I go about it?

My dear.

Do sit down, Mr. West.

This will take a
little time to explain.

Let me repeat, sir.

Timing will be of
exquisite importance

in the success
of this operation.

We have managed to
chart the ebb and flow

of the lake water
as it is being pumped

into the conduit you
will be negotiating.

The only feasible
way into the laboratory.

And the only way out.

There is only an
18-minute interval of time

during which water is not
pumped into the conduit.

You will have to enter,
perform your chores,

and leave, all within
the allotted time period,

or else, frankly,

it could be exceedingly awkward.

For "awkward,"
substitute "fatal."

One tries not to dwell on that.

I've been waiting for you.

Well, if it's to wish me luck...

I wouldn't waste my
time on a thing like that.

It's to make you an offer.

Thanks, Crystal,
but some other time.

Listen. Calamander
and the others

are waiting for you to
come out of the conduit,

with the package,
ready to blast you.

I just thought
you'd like to know.

For some reason that kind
of gossip does interest me,

but if there's only one
way out of the conduit...

There isn't. Tell me.

First, tell me we're partners.

You're prepared to
believe me if I say we are?

You can't trust me. No one can.

But I have a feeling
I can trust you.

All right, I'll give you half

of everything I
make on this deal.

That's good enough
for me. Now, listen.

I overheard Calamander
talking about a door

in the main laboratory.
Exactly where I don't know,

but it leads to
another exit, a cave,

and it's unguarded.

Thanks, Crystal. I'll
make a point of finding it.

Right now you'll have to excuse
me. I'm on a tight schedule.


Yes? Out of my way, sonny.

Hold it, pop.

Are you defying the
United States government?

Of course not, old man,

but you can't just come
barging in here like that.

I can't, huh? You ever
hear of the post office motto?

"Neither snow nor
sleet, nor dark of night

"shall stay these couriers
from their swift completion

of their appointed rounds."

Now, hide your
carcass over to one side,

I got a package to deliver.
Unh-unh. I'll take that.

Not on your
tinny-type, you don't.

There's 17 cents postage
due coming to the department.

Tried to get by
without paying that.

What is that? A quarter? Uh-huh.

I ain't no bank, sonny. I
don't change no currency.

Well, keep the rest of it then.

Are you trying to bribe

a government employee?

Hold on one dag-burned minute.

That's 17 cents... even.

All right, pop. Follow me.

All I want is the money
coming to the department.

I don't want nothing besides.

There you are, old
man. Seventeen cents.

There. That's more like it.

Hey, hey. You
got to sign for it.

You this here Inigo Golem?

No, but I'll sign for him.

Federal offense.
Forging and falsifying.


Deaf, dumb, and blind idiots.

Distinctly I hear an explosion,

and you stand there and
say you heard nothing?

Maybe one of the steam pumps.

Dolt. I tell you it
was an explosion,

not a steam pump.

Get that man!

Guards, get this man.

Hold it, Jim. This way.

According to a diagram I saw,

there's a door to a cave leading
out of here right about here.

It gives out right here.

I hope you've got
something in your bag, doctor.

Of course. Care to
watch the operation?

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you got in there,
Jim? Some kind of souvenir?

It's supposed to be the hand of
Saint Stephen for Calamander.

Calamander? It's
a vial of kilesium.

Kilesium? Then we're gonna
have temperature problems.

We've got to get rid of that

without jeopardizing
anybody else.

Artie, then this place
was made to order.

Come on.

I'll take the hand, Mr. West.

Shall we call it
by its right name?

Kilesium, then.

If you please.

We had to abandon it.

There was the small
problem of rising temperatures.

Mr. West, I have dreamed too
many dreams to give up now.

I want that vial.

Raymond, Moke,

keep an eye on our
guests until I return.

Gentlemen, I promise you,

if I have any difficulty
locating that kilesium,

I shall return with some
very interesting methods

for making you
more communicative.

Mr. Calamander,
what would you say

if I were to tell you
there's very great danger

going back in there
after that kilesium?

One would be
irresistibly inclined

to doubt you, sir.

Moke, give them a hand.

Thus, gentlemen,
I am happy to say

that Mr. West has been
reinstated in the service,

with a special commendation
from President Grant himself

for his meritorious
and selfless...

Excuse me, colonel.
What about the kilesium?

Oh. Uh, well, yes.

Um, uh... why don't
you tell him about it?

Well, we dynamited the cave

and sealed the
gas off permanently.

No possibility of
it ever escaping.

Now, gentlemen,
if you'll excuse me,

I'm looking forward to
sharing a dinner engagement

with a very charming young lady.