The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 5 - Night of the Casual Killer - full transcript

John Maxwell Avery advised the President and led powerful men in Washington. Then he was discovered to be a political opportunist and a scoundrel. He fled Washington and rumor has it the President helped him do it. He has killed many many to keep his freedom. To avert a scandal the President sends Jim and Artie, the only men who can capture Avery and return him for trial.


Get out and stay out!

Take it easy, old timer.

You can tell that saddle
louse this goes for him too.

And in case he can't read,

it says "No admittance.
Closed for repairs."

Well, a little saw
and a little hammering

never bothered me
wettin' my whistle before.

You fellas better stay away
from those swinging doors

if you know what's good for you.

Hi, Artie.

Hi, Jim.

A little late, aren't you?

Come on, old timer.

I'm all right. Ooh,
my hand. Look at that.

Couldn't get a drink...

I'm all right. Don't
worry about it.


What kept you?

Unseasonable fireworks display,

uh, courtesy of Dr. Raker.

Artie, have you spotted him yet?


he's somewhere
inside that grogshop.

I got here just in time
to see him flash a card

and get ushered in with bows.

The place is completely
closed to the rest of us.

I've never seen a bar
closed before for repairs.

Neither have I, in
a territory like this.

Did you find out why
all the heat's on Raker?

You know what oracine is, Artie?

I know it's one of the
swiftest and deadliest

of the germ cultures.

So deadly it can wipe out
every living thing in this state.

Well, so long as it's kept
on ice back at the laboratory

there's no danger.

How long has Raker had it?

He stole it a day ago.

We've got big trouble, Jim.

That stuff starts to get warm,

it begins expanding,

When it gets hot enough,

it will bust that
container wide open.

And we'll see a plague

the likes of which the
world has never known.

Unless we can get it away
from Raker before then.


how about one of those
little diversions of yours?

No problem.

"Closed for repairs,"
the sign says.

Well, now, ain't
that just jim-dandy.

Man, this ain't just a pla...

Here, I want every
man-jack of you

that's got red blood in him,

come here and
listen what I got to say

about what they're
trying to do to us here.

This ain't just a place
dispensin' refreshments

that's closed for repairs.

This is a democracy that's
bein' closed for repairs.

It's life, liberty, and
the pursuit of happiness

that's bein' closed for repairs.

A man's got a natural-born right

to take a nip when
he's got a mind to.

And the question I'm trying
to put to every single man-jack

is whether we're
going to stand by here

just a-twiddlin' our pinkies

while these buzzards
try to act like kings

and tell us when to
drink and when not to.

Oh, so unexpected.


Excuse me. Excuse me, miss.

Oh, well, what for?
Uh, won't you sit down?

No, thank you.

Journey's end, doctor.

What a pity.

And after eluding you
halfway across the continent.

Hand it over.

I would guess
that you're referring

to a small black leather box?

Doctor, I said, hand it over.

And if I don't hand it
over, you would shoot me

just like that?
What do you think?

I don't think you would.

Try me.

I can't believe that
you have the talent

for killing in cold blood.

But you are a
creature of surprises

and contradictions, West.

And I do want to live. So...

Just think,

for a brief period, at any rate,

it was given to me
to have the capability

of unleashing

a full-blown plague.

One equal to the
delicious black plague

that decimated Europe
in the 14th century.

I'll take that now, doctor.

Don't worry, my dear.

Uh-huh. Nothing's
gonna happen to you.

Isn't that right, Mr. West?

I'll tell you, there's
no stopping 'em

once they start
closing things down.

Don't shoot, Artie!
He's got the vial.


He's dead.

The man stopped breathing.

His heart don't beat.

That's generally what
we call it around here.


look at that.

Looks like Raker was a
lot trickier than we thought.

Invitation to a party

at the residence
of Mr. Rufus Kraus.

The Rufus Kraus?

His mansion is somewhere
in these parts, as I recall.

Rufus Kraus,

one of the richest
men in the world.

Party giver extraordinaire.

And a living enigma.

What would a man like that

be doing with
someone like Raker?

Look, my friend, we
need some answers

to a few questions.
Are you agreeable?


Well, heh, no, I d...

I don't want to get mixed
up with the government. Sure.

The business about
your bar being repaired.

What was that all about?

Mr. Kraus paid me a
lot of money to do that.

Rufus Kraus?

Yes, sir, that's his name.

Mr. Kraus wanted to use my
place for a bunch of his guests

to wait in until his
coaches picked them up.

That's all.

Rendezvous point
for Kraus' party guests.

It's very interesting,

but it doesn't get us
any closer to that box.

Now, wait a minute, Artie.

I saw Raker messing around
with some luggage back at the inn.

You know anything about that?

That must be Lola
Cortez's luggage.

She was a guest of Mr. Kraus'.

Of course.

He hid the real box in
one of the lady's trunks.

Let's get it.

Heh. Don't waste your time, men.

What do you mean,
don't waste our time?

Well, if you're looking
for the lady's trunk,

it's already gone.

How do you know that?

Well, I helped them load it

while you were chasing
that fella in there.


Wait a minute.

How was Raker going
to get to that party?

Well, there's another coach

scheduled in a little
while to pick him up, but I...

I guess he's not
gonna make it now.

In short, my dear Miss Cortez,

that little bit of horseplay
that you were witness to

was just an elaborate little
entertainment between friends.

I'm terribly sorry if it
distressed you. Heh-heh.

Well, you certainly know
how to frighten a girl.

I was positively...

Oh! Oh, my.

Oh, my goodness.

Excuse me.

It's all right.

Certainly, it's reassuring

to be in the hands of
a medical man, doctor.

Well, I must say,

it's moments like these
that I cherish the title.

Although I do wish
you would forget the title

and merely address me,
if you would, as Theobald.

Only if you'll call me Lola.


And, um,

while we're becoming
so acquainted,

uh, would you mind?

Oh. Oh, of course.

Lola, meet James, my
dear friend and bodyguard.

How do you do?


Lucky you, Theobald.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh!

Excuse me.

This party might turn
out to be fun after all.

You know, I can't imagine
how I ever was invited

to one of Mr. Kraus'
famous parties.

I only met him
once, aboard ship,

coming back from Europe.


will you take a look at that.


Cozy little cottage, isn't it?


So this is the famous
Kraus mansion.

And there's the
welcoming committee.

Oh, uh, that's my
bodyguard. He's with me.

Guest list don't mention
bodyguard. Got problem.

No really, there's no problem.

Problem! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Now, see here, my good man.

How dare you?

You don't need bodyguard anyhow.


Very effective, isn't he?

Shall we?

♪ Here we go 'round
The mulberry bush ♪

♪ The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush ♪

♪ Here we go 'round
The mulberry bush ♪

♪ So early in the morning ♪

♪ And this is the way
We wash our clothes ♪

♪ Wash our clothes
Wash our clothes ♪

♪ This is the way
We wash our clothes ♪

♪ So early in the morning ♪

♪ This is the way
We iron our clothes ♪

♪ Iron our clothes
Iron our clothes ♪

♪ This is the way
We iron our clothes ♪

♪ So early Tuesday ♪

♪ Scrub the floors
Scrub the floors ♪

♪ This is the way
We scrub the floors ♪

What we are watching,
believe it or not,

is an exciting game
of Musical Chairs.

♪ Bake the bread ♪

♪ This is the way
We bake the bread ♪

♪ This is the way we... ♪

We have three and a half
hours to recover that vial, Jim.

♪ This is the way
We go to church ♪

♪ So early Sunday morning ♪

♪ Here we go 'round
The mulberry bush ♪

♪ The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush ♪

They're in there fiddling
while Rome is about to burn.

If the box is in Lola's luggage,

it's got to be
upstairs somewhere.

Well, you sure don't
need me for that.

Why don't I see what I
can learn down here?

Till later, Artie.


Oh, the last of the recruits

to join our revels.

You must be Dr. Raker.

Uh, yes, indeed.

And dear Lola Cortez,

whom we've all adored so much

for her stage performances.

I'm Charity Witherleave,

Mr. Kraus' games
mistress, so to speak.

Mr. Kraus is terribly
keen about all of his guests

participating in the
games we play here,

don't you see? Ha-ha-ha.

You do like games,
doctor, don't you?

Uh, yes, indeed.

I can hardly wait to play
Drop the Handkerchief.

Oh, heh, that comes next,
after we've disposed of

Thimble, Thimble,
Where's the Thimble?

No, no, that doesn't count.

I only stopped it so you
could meet our latest guests.

Now, this is the famous actress,

Lola Cortez,

and the mysterious Dr. Raker.

And here we have
Count Zendar of Bosnia.

La Marquesa Bellini.

Innocent Vidoq from Haiti.


How do you do?

Surely you recognize Ludmila,

the prima ballerina
of the Moscow theater.


General Crocker, the
renowned Indian fighter.


How do you do?

The famous surgeon,

Dr. Walter De Forest.

And, uh,

Miss Gilda Novak.

Bring some more chairs.

Our new friends have to play.

Everyone plays.

Oh, you'll love the games.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Kraus loves the masks.

When they're in place,
it's so easy for everyone

to pretend he's someone else.

Don't you agree, Dr. Raker?

♪ Here we go 'round
The mulberry bush ♪

♪ The mulberry bush
The mulberry bush ♪

♪ La-la-la-la, la-la,
la-la La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪


There's a dreadful
lump in this cushion.

The most beautiful diamond
bracelet I have ever seen.

Ah, of course,

it is not genuine.

On the contrary, madam,

it is not only genuine,

but rose-cut and
magnificently faceted.

Quite priceless, I might say.

And it's yours, my
dear Marquesa.

All yours.



How kind of you, Rufus.

It must be worth a fortune.

It is.

But why try to put a
price on it, my dear?

Could you put a price
on the sense of loss

that a certain amorous
fellow might have suffered?

Someone who was
naive enough to expect

a beautiful young aristocrat
to keep her promise

and join him in a villa
off the Adriatic, huh?

Oh, Rufus, that was long ago,

and there were
reasons, good reasons.

Yeah? I don't want to hear them.

Where's that worthless
games director of mine?

Oh, here, sir.

At your beck and
call, Mr. Kraus.

May we get on with the games?

A-a-all right, everybody,

let's play Thimble, Thimble,
Where's The Thimble?

That is, of course,

if the rest of you
feel like playing.

Yes. Of course. Certainly.

No, no. It's okay.


I found one!

I found one. I found a thimble.

Oh, how exciting.
I found a thimble.

Mister Ambassador
found a prize too.


A needle.

All that from a needle?

Of course,

if it's a poisoned needle.

Well, that shows
how much you know,

whoever you are down there.

Count Zendar ran his
aristocratic little pinky

on a needle all right,
but it was not poisoned.

I'm sorry to say.

Well, if it's not
poisoned, what is it?

I won't tell you.

It was a sedative, you ninny.

I had it made up
specially for this party,

but it's quite harmless.

He'll come to in a
half an hour or so,

and be the same pompous
jackass he always was.


Well, whippoorwill.

If you can manage to
come out of your trance,

why don't we get these
games going again, huh?

Uh, certainly, Mr. Kraus.

I-it's fun and games time.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

now we're going play
Drop the Handkerchief.

So if everyone
will line up, and...

Pardon, madame,
it is getting late.


Yeah, since I am so tired,

I will turn in too.

Lady, you got the right idea.

All this "la-dee-da" has
plum tuckered me out.

Well, what's the matter
with all you sunbeams?

Lost your appetite for
fun and games, have you?

It's a party, blast you!

Now, come back here
and play. You hear me?


Oh, my...

Come here and look at this.


It's a ruby.


Is it a real ruby?

Fit to grace the pale hands

of the mogul of Delhi's bride.

Well, now, maybe we can
get the games started again

after all, huh?

Well, things being
what they are,

no sense spoiling the
party by going to bed.

Oh, yes!

Please, let's play some more.

Well, now, the next game

is going to
require a little skill.

You see, you all
have to have a spoon.

Well, get them the
spoons, No-Fun.

Now, once you have the spoon,

you take it and
put it in your mouth.

The wrong ends...

I know what you may
be thinking, gentleman.

But I'm engaged to the
woman who has this room.

You make mess of room.

Now, I make mess of you.

On your mark,

get set,


Stop him! Stop that man!

How dare you
leave this party, sir?

Who is he?

That's Dr. Raker.



My old friend, Dr. Raker, huh?

Well, come here, Theobald.


So these old eyes can
feast on you for a change.

I, uh, was beginning
to feel a bit faint, Rufus.

I thought perhaps a glass
of your excellent port...

Eh, quiet, now. Closer, I said.

How the devil do you do it?

Well, it must be at least 10
years since I last saw you,

and you haven't aged a day.

What the devil is your
secret of eternal youth?

Well, it's really
very simple, Rufus.

I always give in to
my baser instincts.

Well, so do I.

I've been doing that for
as long as I can remember.

It hasn't helped me
stay looking young.

Oh, hide-and-seek.

Hide-and-seek, now.

Everybody's going
to play hide-and-seek.

And you, Theobald, are it.

Oh, no, no, no. No, Ruf...

Yes, on second thought,
that's an excellent idea.


Turn down the lamp.

Now, scatter everyone

and hide, hide, hide.

You wake up now, bodyguard.

No-Fun, where am I?

Furnace. Basement.

You make mess.

Now you cook.


When steam goes to pipe,

bars get red hot.

This old Shimbodo
hand-torture cage.

You like?

No, I don't like.

Pretty soon you sorry
you fight with No-Fun.

No-Fun, I don't have
time to play with you.

Make the time.

You no go no place.

Cook all night.

Goodbye, bodyguard.

Now we can open our little eyes.

I think everyone's
had plenty of time.

Uh, ti...


Oh, uh, nothing. Nothing at all.


Here he comes, everyone.

Ready or not, here he comes.

Where are they hiding, Raker?

Where will they be?

Now, don't make any noises,
any of you. You hear me?

Shh! Shh!

I'm trapped! Help me!

I'm being smothered!
Agh! Help me, someone!

It's all right.
Listen, it's all right.

It's all right. I'm right here.

There's no danger.

Oh, glory be. Look.

Turn the lamps on.

Look, everybody,
I found a fur cape.

A real beaver cape.

Your beaver cape happens
to be sable, Miss Novak.

Pearls before swine.

Ooh, sable.

If I worked in the
shop 200 years

I could never
afford a fur like this.

And it's all yours, Cinderella.

Now do you see
the sport of it, Raker,

huh? Play on, play on!

Let's keep the games going, now.

Keep the games going, you say?

May I point out one
of the byproducts

of your little games, Mr. Kraus?

Count Zendar is not
just taking a nap in there.


Well, whatever you do,
don't hide in a cabinet.

What happened?

The door is jammed.

Well, hang on, will you?

I'll have you out in no time.

What are you
doing in that thing?

I'm trying to get
out of this thing.

Miss Cortez, could you push
that handle down, please?

I'm sorry. I-I don't
like this party.

I don't care how many
prizes I win. I'm leaving.

That's the most
sensible idea of the night.

Come on.

What a terrible
way to treat a lady.

There we are, playing
hide-and-seek, and...

And look what happens.

I step into this
big chest to hide

and the next thing I know
I land in the basement.

And what makes things worse,

is you don't even pay
any attention to me.

I thought you wanted
to get out of here.

Well, I... Come
on, let me help you.

Gold! Gold! Look, it's gold!

I hid in here like Ali Baba,

and I found it filled with gold!

Fill your pockets
with it, you fool.

May it bring you
more peace of mind

than it ever brought me.

Here, look at this.

Falls back too, I'll wager.

You think that's something?

You ought to see some of
them traps them Apaches can set.

I'll settle for that.

Line up, players.

Time to play Riding
to the Hounds.


Over here, dear.

Now, you take your little horsey

and you try to catch the fox.

Well, she's been in here
before. How'd you get here?

This house is honeycombed
with secret passageways.

They all end here.

It figures.

Artie, I found the black
box, but the vial was gone.

Raker must have had an
accomplice waiting for it.

Any idea who that might be?

I got him! I got
the little varmint.

Hey, there's something wrong

with this goldarned animal.

Well, what do you mean?

Why, there ain't
no dang prize here.

It's just an old hunk of hide.

We'd better lay it
on the line with Kraus

and tell him who we are.

We better search
this entire house, Artie.

And what if he's
Raker's accomplice?

Gonna have to take that
chance. We're running out of time.

Young man, you're being
very foolish about this.

You can shoot your yap off.

You got a bracelet
and she got a cape.

Everybody got something but me.

I didn't win
anything yet either.

Everyone, you must
stop your bickering now.

Pay attention.


Mr. Kraus has a little
announcement to make.

Short and sweet.

I wouldn't dream of
interrupting your party

because I know what
it's like not having fun.

You see, when I was a boy,

I never had any fun.

You know why?

Because I never wanted to.

I was too busy making money

to bother about what
those other fools called fun.

And I made a lot of money. Yeah.

And then I had
my own kind of fun.

Some of you know
about that, huh?

Can you guess why
you're all here tonight?

All right.

I'll tell you then.

Every one of you

is in my will.

Ah. Yeah.

That's nice, isn't it? Yeah.

Well, I picked
you very carefully.

We are bound
together, you and I,

by mutual bonds of avarice,

my friends.

Avarice and deceit.

And that makes it good, you see,

because you're all down
for handsome amounts.

There's just one catch.

Only the living will inherit
what I put down for them.

You get that?

But, Rufus, we are all living.

But for how long,
my dear Marquesa?

In this group, for how long?

Which makes it
the best game of all.

Corpses don't qualify, you hear?

Survivors will
divide up everything.

Cute game, isn't it?

It's an open
invitation to murder.

Isn't it beautiful?

All right, No-Fun, get me up.

And now

I am going to blow out
the candles on my cake,

and you, my dear friends,

are going to sing
"Happy Birthday"

to this old codger.

Yeah. Yeah.


Artie, give me five minutes,

then you'd better
meet me upstairs.


Terrible thing to happen to
that nice old man, wasn't it?

Old skinflint deserves it,
hornswoggling me like that.

Don't you agree?

Mr. Kraus. Ugh.

Listen to me, Mr. Kraus.
My name is James West.

I'm a Secret Service agent
sent here by President Grant.

Grant? Bah.

Sir, I realize you may not
have voted for the president,

but this whole
country is in danger.

How? Somewhere
here in this house...

Get him, No-Fun.

I think it's No-Fun.

Can't see without my glasses.

You fight now!


that's the way to hit him.

That's wonderful.

Hoorah, boys. Hoorah!

Oh, that was a fight to do...

Do my heart good.

Now I can sleep.

Jim, the other guests

are going to be nosing around
here before long, I'm afraid.

Good, that's just what
we want them to do.

I have a feeling
someone's trying

to get rid of those
people, Artie.

My suspicion says it's
Raker's Confederate.

Now, we've got to get
him to force his hand.

Yeah, but our
bloodthirsty host is...

Artie, he'll be sleeping
it off in the next room.


No more games, Mr. Kraus?


No more games? But we are all
in the mood and having such fun.

Oh, surely, sir.

But now that you've recovered
from your little indigestion...

Confound it, you heard me.

If there's anything
I can't stand,

it's a pack of
idiots making noise

while I'm trying to rest.

Now, stop all that. It's
nothing but nonsense anyway.

I want all of you to
go back to your rooms

and get some rest
yourselves. Now!

Before midnight?

But Mr. Kraus, that
doesn't sound like you.

Oh, is that so?

Well, maybe I'm
a different person.

Maybe I've had a change of heart

since I almost blew my life out
down in that room down there.

Maybe I... I've seen the
light, as the saying goes.

Ha-ha-ha. You see?

Uh, y-y-yes, sir, I see.

I just want all of you
to live long enough

to inherit my
bequests, that's all.

Oh, Mr. Kraus.

Oh, I've heard of noble
things, but I just think...

Stop right there!

Nobility has
nothing to do with it.

Something completely different.
Something I've just found out.

I've been saving it
for last to tell you.

One of you down there

is a murderer.


Mr. Kraus, your sense of humor.

Shut up!

I've sent Dr. Raker for
my lawyer and the police,

and when they get here,

I'm going to cross
that murderin' scalawag

right out of my will and
turn him over to justice.

Now, I want all of you to
go back to your own rooms

until I send for you.

You hear?

Well, don't waste
your time looking at me.

I'm not the murderer.

I'm going right up to my
room and lock myself in.

Now, ladies, rest easy.

This child has lived
through scalping parties

and murderin' renegades.

There's nothing to worry
about while I'm here.

That is precisely what
I am worried about.

How's the old boy doing?

He's sleeping like a
baby in the next room.

Artie, I have a feeling long
after you and I are gone,

he's going to be very
much alive and kicking.


I knew it would force his hand.

Of course,

any good yogi
can hold his breath

and stop his heartbeat
for a brief period of time.

I'd say Dr. Raker's

one of the outstanding
proponents of the art,

wouldn't you, Jim? Easily.

He certainly had us fooled.

Now, where's the vial?

Well, I've hidden it downstairs.

It's perfectly safe

from you.

You listen to me and
listen good, doctor.

In 15 to 20 minutes,

that culture will
explode that vial.

Unleashing a plague
the likes of which

the world has never seen before.

Now, come on, Raker,

while there's still time
to do something about it.

Oh-hoh, really,
gentleman. Heh-heh.

That's about as ridiculous as...

Well, as that shotgun
aimed at your backs.

All right, my dear, you
may show your pretty face.

Congratulations, sir,

on your imitation of my husband.

Aha, Mrs. Raker.

I shall take that
as a compliment.

It all would have
been so perfect

if you had only left us alone.

Kraus put a few little
booby traps into his games,

but you should have seen
the ones that we added.

Why, by morning,

there wouldn't have
been a single person alive.

And then,

as a result of spontaneous
combustion, of course,

a fire would just
happen to break out,

destroying all the
evidence of the night's work.

Since you're going to
inherit all of Kraus' money,

you have the vial,

I assume you think you
can control the world.

Think? Heh-heh.

I will control it.

Come, my dear. Come.

Heh. Move, gentlemen. Farewell.

Dispose of them.

Get the vial, Artie. Quick!

Listen to me, Raker.

You'll never get away with it.

Heh-heh. But, you see,
I am getting away with it.

Then you won't have the time.

Almost done.

Got it.

Got it.

There's only two minutes left.

If we don't destroy
that vial right now,

we're all going to die.

Theobald, it...

It's getting hot.

What do you mean?

What if he's telling the truth?

You better believe it, Raker.

It must be some kind of a trick.



Artie. Yeah?

I really have to compliment you

on your choice of restaurants.

Well, thank you.

If we're handing them
out, those lovely twins.

Where did you find
them? They were beautiful.

They were beautiful,
weren't they?

Indeed, they...

What's that?

I don't know.

The Encyclopedia of Party Games.

Listen to this.

"A little something to
help you at our next party,

Rufus Kraus."