The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 24 - The Convergence Convergence - full transcript

Leonard and Penny try to have a wedding ceremony that everyone can attend, but it creates serious conflict among Sheldon's mother and Leonard's divorced parents. Meanwhile, Howard and Raj become convinced the government is out to get them.

English Subtitles.
The Big Bang Theory S09E24 [KoTuWa]
The Convergence Convergence


Hi, how was the screening?

Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks

to make somebody who
cut the line feel bad,

but only the
white people felt bad.

Ugh, I should've never bought
him that coloring book

that explains
Black History Month.

How'd it go with my mother?

Uh, you know,
it started a little rocky,

but I think we got
to a good place.


Well done.

Yeah, and when I dropped her off
at the hotel,

she even gave me a hug.

Did she think
you were choking or...

I'm sorry, that's great.

Thank you for
spending time with her.

No problem.

Um, so listen,

I don't know if you have
any plans next weekend,

but I kind of promised your mom

we'd have another
wedding ceremony

so she could attend this time.

Wait, we're gonna
get married again?

Yeah, kind of, but now we can
invite our friends and family.

Seems like a lot
of trouble for a hug.

Come on, it'll be fun,

and, you know, your mom
was genuinely hurt

we didn't invite her
to the first one.

Look, in our defense,

it was kind of a spur
of the moment thing,

and also, we don't like her.

Leonard, come on,
she's your mom.

If we can do something
to make her happy,

why wouldn't we?

I just said why--

we don't like her.

Hey, look,
then forget about her,

let's do it for us.

We could keep it
small and informal.

This time we can
invite our families.

Is your brother out of prison?

Thanks to overcrowding, yeah.

I'd love it
if my dad could come.

Oh, you have to invite him.

I haven't seen him
since the divorce.

Oh, he's like a different man.

He stopped twitching,

and I think he grew
an inch and a half.

Well, then it's settled.



So funny.

I never thought my second
marriage would be to you!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x24 ♪
The Convergence Convergence
Original Air Date : 2016-05-12

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Okay, so it's not
a legal ceremony,

it's just a chance for us

to redo our vows
so everyone can be part of it.

So there's no maid of honor?



But if I were to, say,
wear a purple satin dress

with a sweetheart neckline
and stand near you,

you wouldn't be able
to stop me, right?

I don't see how I could.

Then I graciously accept.

Who's going to officiate?

I was kind of hoping you would.

Wait, now I'm just some
lousy maid of honor?

Hey, good news, I just got off
the phone with my mother.

She is coming to the wedding.

Okay, wait,

you're inviting people
to our wedding?

Yes, I'm inviting
people to our wedding.

Yeah, I've already asked

Stephen Hawking
and Robert Downey Jr.

And now, don't get your hopes
up, 'cause he's pretty busy,

but Erno Rubik.

Who's Erno Rubik?


He invented the Rubik's Cube.

Okay, fine,

but why would you invite him
to our wedding?

Because, despite his fame
and fortune,

he strikes me as a lonely man.

Well, it's very sweet

of you to go to all this trouble
for Leonard's mother.

Yeah, I'm also doing it
for Leonard.

I think this could really help
their relationship.

How dare you invite your father
without consulting me!

Sorry, but I don't think
I need your permission

to have my father at my wedding.

You do understand our marriage
ended because he had an affair.

I know,

and there's no excuse for that.

He claimed I was cold,

and hadn't shown him any
physical affection for years.

I was wrong, there's
three excuses for that.

Oh, my God.

It's working.

You sure?


The system is maintaining
its own stability,

the quantum vortex apparatus is
now controlling the orientation.

You're right.

You realize what this means?


I do.

It's proof of concept.

We've got a
workable guidance system.




I just got an e-mail
from the U.S. Air Force.

Open it.


"We request a meeting at your
earliest convenience

"regarding your
quantum guidance system,

provisional patent 62/295118."

That's weird.

Is there a window around
here we don't know about?

I'm sure
it's just a coincidence.

Yeah, of course.

What else could it be?

Boy, do I love America.

Thank you for picking me up.

Oh, you're welcome.

I was speaking to
your young lady.

My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper.

Oh, please call me Mary.

Okay, Mary.

You know,
that doesn't work for me,

let's stay with Mrs. Cooper.

Sheldon, don't be silly.

Wait, what?

That's what I called you
till I got to know you better.

It was so nice of Leonard
and Penny to invite me.

Well, actually, I...
It sure was.

I've always had a special place
in my heart for Leonard.

Taking care of my baby
all these years.

Excuse me,

I take care of him.

Sure you do.

So who else is coming
to this shindig?

Oh, well, the usual gang.

Penny's family
is coming tomorrow.

Yeah, and Leonard's mother's
already here.

Oh, Beverly.

How nice.

You've met her, right?

Yes, I have.

Mother, she's an atheist,

not a vampire.

Either way, let's stop
and get some garlic.

So, Mary, how have you been?

Well, thank you
so much for asking.

I've been well, and you?

Very good.

I don't know what

we were worried about;
they're getting along great.

Sheldon tells me
your husband's coming.

My ex-husband.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

All right.

Whew, chilly.

I think I can see my breath.

We can hear you.


I can't believe I was so naive.

The military is just gonna

take over the whole project.

And you know what happens
if we object?

We disappear.

Like off the map.

Like every American Idol winner
since season four.

Come on, Howard,
you're overreacting.

Am I?

Am I?

Wha-- what do you want to bet
some black ops guy

is reprinting
my high school yearbook

and I'm no longer in it?

That chess club picture is now

just David Zimmerman
and Elaine Cho.

Okay, look,
I'm on the Air Force Web site,

and the department
that e-mailed you

is in charge of acquisitions.

So maybe they just
want to give you

a lot of money
for your invention.

Oh, please, that's
not how it works.

You saw E.T., Avatar,
Jurassic World.

The military just shows up
and takes over.

You do realize those weren't
documentaries, right?

I'm sorry, you find this funny?

No, I was just thinking
about Jurassic World.

Boy, that was terrible.

Oh, we have to use the stairs.

When are they gonna fix
your elevator?

Uh... I don't-- any day now.

Well, the stairs are fine.

Besides, your
mother is up there.

Maybe I'll have a heart attack
and not have to see her.

Hey, I, I know things
are a little rough

with you and Mom,

but I'm really
glad you're here.

Me, too.

I should have never had that
angioplasty because I feel fine.

Penny's really looking
forward to seeing you.

Ah, she's a sweetie.

You got a good one there,

Thanks, Dad.

How the hell did you do that?

Isn't this nice?

Hey, we're here.


Thank you for coming!

Well, happy to be here.

And congratulations.
Thank you.

Dad, you remember Sheldon.

Dr. Hofstadter.

Dr. Cooper.

This is Sheldon's mother, Mary.
How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

And his girlfriend, Amy.

A pleasure.

And, of course, Mom.

Hello, my hateful shrew.

Hello to you,
you wrinkled old bastard.

All right, now I'm starting
to sense a little tension.

All right, you two, don't start.

Penny and I are throwing this
second wedding for your benefit.

Can you please not ruin it?

Of course. I'm sorry.

Oh, look at that--
you can apologize.

I'm sorry.

You know, the Bible
says forgiveness...

I'm sorry.

Uh, who's hungry?

We have a reservation
at the best restaurant in town.

It only got three-and-a-half
stars on Yelp.

I'm not sorry. That's true.

I don't know what to do.

It's the Air Force.

I mean, should I respond
to their e-mail?

Ignore it?

You can't ignore it.

It's not that postcard
that says it's time

to go back to the dentist.

Guys, come on.

We're meeting everyone
for dinner.

One sec. I'm just afraid

if I respond,
then they'll know I got it.

Oh, dude.

The minute you opened
that e-mail,

they knew you got it.

I mean, they're probably
looking at you

through the camera right now.
Oh, damn.

I love America.

Are you done with this nonsense?

It's not nonsense.

This is how the
U.S. military works.

Oh, if it's even
the U.S. military.

It could be foreign military
pretending to be American.

You're right. We turn our
guidance system over to them,

next thing we know,
they're using it against us.

I also love the enemies
of America.

Penny, I hope the example
of my failed marriage

to Leonard's father
doesn't discourage you

from the commitment
you've made to one another.

Oh, of course not.

Although Alfred and I had a lot
more going for us than you two.

Mom, please save something
for the toast.

So, Alfred, what is it
that you do for a living?

Oh, I'm an anthropologist.

I study ancient peoples
and cultures.

My goodness, so all the way
back to the Flood.

Don't laugh--
she wasn't joking.

Play with your phone.

Well, on that note,

there are many cultures
that have an apocalyptic flood

as part of their mythology.

I don't have a mythology.

I have the unerring Word of God.

But that's very interesting.


I-I didn't mean to
disparage your faith.

Actually, I admire it.


Yes, I'm an agnostic myself,

but I have prayed,
many times, to God,

to turn my wife
into a pillar of salt.

Well, He came close.

Turned her into
a giant block of ice.

Howard, there must be someone
at the university

you can go to for help.

Are you kidding?

They're probably the ones
who leaked it

to the military
in the first place.

What about the guy
on the Channel Four News?

You know,
"Four on Your Side"?

Maybe he can be on your side.

I'm being harassed
by the government,

not trying to get to the bottom
of a dog-walking scam.

Oh, stop!

You know what's
really happening?

All the movies
you've watched,

the TV shows, the comic books--

they've completely twisted
your thinking.

No one's after you,
no one's listening to you,

no one cares about you.

I'd like to think

the "Four on Your Side" guy
cares about me.

You know, Beverly,
I know you and Alfred

have your differences,
but if you think about it,

if you hadn't married him,
there'd be no Leonard.

So that's good, right?


Is that Howard
in front of us?

Oh, maybe.

Get closer.

Oh, God.

I think someone's
following us.

You're being ridiculous.

I'm not being ridiculous--
he's right on my tail.

Uh, turn left here
and see if he turns with us.

Well, why is
he turning here?

The restaurant's the other way.
I don't know.

He uses that traffic app.
Maybe there's an accident.

Oh, so follow him.

Oh, no!

I told you!

It's probably
just a coincidence.

Speed up a little,
see if he stays with you.

Well, go faster.

You're losing him.
What is his hurry?

You know what,
flash your lights.

Let him know it's you.

He's flashing his lights.

What's that mean?

I-I think he wants us
to pull over.

Do not pull over!

I'm not raising this baby alone!

Hang on!

So, after
your husband passed,

you never remarried?

No, just focused on work
and the church.

Ah. And what do you do?

I work at the church.

Well, they're lucky
to have you.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you realize
what's happening here?

Yeah, I do.

They're filling up on bread
and ruining their meal.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What took you guys so long?

Oh, we were following Howard,
but for some reason,

he turned off his headlights
and went up a one-way street.

So, what did we miss?

Oh, just Mary and I getting
to know each other a little.

Leonard, your father
is just charming.

He's also broke.

Did he mention that?

Okay, Mom,
you sit over there...

And I'm gonna call Bernadette
and see what's keeping them.

If I'd known you were broke,

I wouldn't have made
a big deal about the bread.

Hey, Penny.

What are you talking about?

Oh, that was you?

Long story.

Why don't you go ahead and eat.

We're gonna be a while.

I'm telling you,
I'm not on drugs.

The government's out to get me!

Now, one of the more exciting
things to be found recently

is that Neanderthals

and Homo sapiens frequently
mated with each other.

Well, that certainly explains
my marriage to Sheldon's father.

That's funny, because my father
was not a very clever man.

I'd be lost without you.

Uh, I would like
to propose a toast

to my wife and bride-to-be.

See, that's funny because...

Back to your phone.


I've always known I loved you,

but this last year has shown me

that I also love
being married to you.

Thank you
for saying yes.

Oh, thanks for asking
until I did.

Hear, hear.


I, uh, I would also like
to make a toast.



I am so happy
that you have found a woman

who loves and cares for you.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Why don't you take a pill?

Like you did before sex?

What I really needed

was a blindfold.

All right, everyone...

calm down.

Let's all remember what
it says in the Bible:

"He who is slow to anger

is better than the mighty."

Oh, dear woman, can you please
read another book?

When God writes one, I will.

Um, if-if we want to order
the soufflé,

we might want to get on that.

Leonard, if you don't mind,
I-I think I'm a little tired.

I'm gonna call it a night.

Sure, Dad.

I'm a little
tuckered out myself,

so I will see you all
in the morning.

Would you like
to share a cab?

That would be fine.

Where are you staying?
I'm at the Westin.

Oh, so am I.

Can I interest you
in a nightcap?

I think that you could.

What is happening there?

I think it's pretty obvious.

They don't want dessert
'cause they filled up on bread.

She's still not answering.

My father's not texting me back.

'Cause they both
turned their phones off.

I don't like this at all.

I don't like it either.


'Cause I love it.

See you in Season 10 :)

== sync, corrected by elderman ==