The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 23 - The Line Substitution Solution - full transcript

Sheldon hires Stuart to spend the day with Amy when he would rather go to the movies. Meanwhile, Penny struggles to make a connection with Leonard's mother when she comes to visit.



Taylor Swift.





More specific.



See, I remembered

because if it looks
like Kim it's Kim,

if it looks kind of
like Kim it's Kourtney,

and if it looks nothing
like Kim it's Khloe.



that's a Venn Diagram,
and I remember because

I thought to myself,

“Venn is he gonna stop
talking about this diagram?”

What are you guys doing?
Oh, well,

we decided to use
our breakfast time

to expand our respective
knowledge bases.

Oh, let me try.


Hmm, atom of hydrogen,
Adam of Maroon 5, mic drop.

I'm sorry,
who is Mike Drop?


Oh, hey, Penny, do you want
to go to the airport

with me later
to pick up my mother?


No problem.
Hey, Penny,

um, since you're already
gonna be at the airport,

do I need to go?

Why don't you want to get
your mother from the airport?

Well, I can do without
the 40-minute car ride

where she criticizes
every aspect of my life.

She can cover it
in a car ride?

I could do 40 minutes
on your posture alone.

You really want me to pick up

your mother all by myself?

Hmm, I just feel like

it would be a good chance
for you to bond.

Or a way for you to avoid her?

I don't know what
he's putting on those cards,

but you are smarter than ever.

Fine, if you really want me to,
I will pick your mom up.


Yeah, you know what,
she is my mother-in-law,

and I'd like for us
to have a good relationship.

That is very mature of you,

so I'm gonna go ahead
and say, “Suckah.”

All right, back to learning.

(clears throat)

Oh, easy, Bill Nye
the Science Guy.

Or as I know him...

“Creepy old dude
from Dancing with the Stars.”

Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x23 ♪
The Line Substitution Solution
Original Ai

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Did you guys see there's
an Avengers screening?

Joss Whedon's gonna show
some deleted scenes

and do a question
and answer session.

Oh, well, I have
a few questions for him

about the last Avengers movie...
and a whole lot of answers.

When's the screening?

Uh, it's tonight, but it's
first-come, first-served,

so we should probably get
there early and wait in line.

Let's do it. (chuckles)

Penny's busy with my mother,
so I'm in.

Oh, bad news.

Amy's making me go shopping
with her later,

so looks like none of us can go.

You do realize we're allowed
to have fun without you?

In fact, that's usually
the trick to it.

What time do we
need to get there?

Uh, I'd say by 3:00.

You're really going without me?

It's not a big deal.

Go shopping with Amy,

and we'll save
a spot in line for you.

You don't have the authority
to save places in the line.

If I do that, I'll be cutting.

People do it all the time.

You know the golden rule
of line etiquette:

“No cuts, no buts,
no coconuts.”

If you really
care that much,

there are apps now that'll let
you hire people to do stuff

like errands and
wait in lines.

People are actually
waiting in lines as a job?

Boy, makes me feel better
about my life.

Some of these guys make
over $20 an hour.

And now I feel worse again.

I'm not surprised Leonard
chose to avoid picking me up.

He's battled intimacy issues
his whole life.

Does he have difficulty
maintaining erections?

(clears throat)

Didn't even make it
out of the parking lot.

Uh, you know what,
enough about Leonard.

Let's talk about you.

What would you like to
do while you're here?

Dear, I'm a psychiatrist.

You don't have to avoid having
intimate conversations with me.

Well, I'd actually like
for us to be close,

but maybe we start
with our favorite books

and work our way up
to my husband's sex organs.

Very well.

What's the last book
you read?

Um, does Pottery Barn,
Spring count?

Penny, it's only natural to want
your mother-in-law to like you,

and I acknowledge I can be
an intimidating person.

So what can I do to make
this process easier for you?

Uh, for starters,

maybe you can not psychoanalyze
everything I say?

And how does it
make you feel

when I psychoanalyze
everything you say?


That was a joke, dear.

Oh. Sorry.

Didn't know you made those.

Hey, listen, what
if we have a little

dinner tonight?

So just the two of us?

Or I invite a few girlfriends,

'cause hearing you say
“the two of us”

just sent a chill
right down my spine.

(car door opens)


What are you doing here?

You're not Sheldon.

I thought that might come up.

Sheldon hired me to go
shopping with you.

Hold on.

He paid you to get out
of spending time with me?

No, it's not like that.

There's a long line
he'd rather stand in.

So what are we doing?
Old Navy, Build-A-Bear?

I get paid either way.

We're not going
shopping together.

You sure?
I'm happy to hold your bag.

And Sheldon gave me money
for a hotdog on a stick.

Can you understand why
I might be annoyed right now?

(chuckles) Look, lady,
I just work here.

We've waited in a lot of
lines together, haven't we?

Remember when we camped out

for the Doctor Who panel
at Comic-Con?

Yeah, sleeping under the
stars with other fans

who love the show
as much as we do.

Waking up, wondering which one
of those fans stole our wallets.

SHELDON: Stuart,
what are you doing here?

Sheldon, you are the most
inconsiderate person

I have ever met
in my entire life!

Where do you get off sending me

to shop with your girlfriend?!

I don't understand.

You were happy to do this
when I hired you.

Why-why are you
upset with me now?

Oh, I'm not upset with you, but
Amy's pretty bent out of shape,

so she hired me
to let you have it.

Well, I suppose
turnabout is fair play.

You're darn right it's fair
play, you selfish jerk!

You know, just when I think

we're making progress
in our relationship,

we revert to our old patterns

where thoughts and feelings
go unexpressed.

I mean, if he didn't want
to go shopping with me,

why didn't he just say so?

Maybe he couldn't get
a word in edgewise.

I'm sorry, I've been
going on and on.

Oh, it's all right, dear.

Sheldon has a brilliant
and complicated mind.

It's understandable that being
in a relationship with him

could be trying.

I called him “babe” once.

He asked me to get a drug test.

Well, I do admire your resolve.

You're an extraordinary woman.
Thank you.

You know, she's
my mother-in-law.

Why can't I bond
with her like that?

Amy's with Sheldon
who she loves like a son.

You're with her son...

who she doesn't.

Do you realize it took me five
years to get a massage from him?

Oh, well, that still could be
a big step for Sheldon.

Three minutes.

And he used a kitchen timer.

I felt like a soft-boiled egg.

You know, being in a
relationship with Leonard

also comes
with its challenges.


Well, what can you do?

(knocking on door)

Maybe it's Sheldon,
here to say he's sorry.

Sheldon says he's sorry.

Bernadette, I'll give you
five dollars to slam the door.

I would have done
it for three.

Boy, all this standing's
making me tired.

Good thing I brought
my collapsible stick chair.

Not the stick chair.

You look like an idiot
on that thing.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones,

but chairs on sticks
are comfy.


Is everything
smoothed out with Amy?

Uh, no, she's still pretty mad.

Did you make the apology
as sincere as I would have?

I said,
“Sheldon says he's sorry.”

Oh, well, that's
laying it on a little thick.

You think it's time you
apologize to her yourself?

I suppose so.

But if I get out of the line,
I'll lose my spot.

I'm happy to hold your place
till you get back.

You would do that?

Consider it my way
of getting more of your money.

You're a good man.

So, Beverly,
did you know Penny

is the number
three sales rep

at our pharmaceutical company?

Oh, I didn't realize
you two work together.

Well, we don't exactly.

I'm a microbiologist
for the research team.

Oh, what are you
currently developing?

Some exciting new
anti-anxiety drugs.

That's interesting.

I just attended a lecture
on pediatric anxiety.

Oh, was it, uh,
Dr. Jenofski?

I just saw
his TED Talk!

It was.

Let's get back to Penny.

Hey, weren't you telling me

something great
about your company car?


(clears her throat)

It has seat warmers.

(knocking at door)

Amy! Amy!

Come in.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, Beverly, good to see you!

I'd love to chat,
but there's a line

that could start moving
any minute, so let's do this.


A proper apology
requires three steps.

Step one...
an admission of wrongdoing.

Amy, I was wrong.
Step two...

a promise never
to repeat said action.

Amy, that action will never be
repeated, and that's a promise.

Step three... an earnest request
for forgiveness.

Amy, I hope you can forgive me.

And I hope you
do it right now,

'cause there's an Uber
waiting downstairs,

and I don't want to repeat
this apology nonsense

with my driver Ganesh.


Oh, thanks!
You're a peach!

Beverly, we'll
catch up soon.

Bernadette, it was
a pleasure as always,

Penny, you have
spinach in your teeth.

(door closes)

How long have I had spinach
in my teeth?

Since the airport, dear.

You look like you come
with a kickstand.

You can't make me feel bad.

Hmm, maybe not. Leonard?

So, when the aliens
brought you back,

they just left the probe in?

I'm back.

Hey, how'd it go?
It went well.

Yeah, I've learned that
if you never say you're sorry,

the times you do really
puts them on their heels.

Uh, Stuart, I relieve you
of your line duties.

Anyone else need
anything before I go?

I'll give you a dollar
if make fun of Raj.

That's mean.

You look like Tigger
if Tigger looked like a jackass.

Uh, if you ever need
a reference or anything,

just let me know.

Hey, guys.

You made it.

Did you see that?

He just cut the line.

He's just joining
his friends; it's fine.

No, it's not fine.

It is a breach
of line etiquette.

We're near the front
of the line.

We'll get in either way.

What if every person in front
of us lets someone cut?

We'd still get in.

What if each of those people
let someone cut?

Still get in.

But then each of those
people let someone cut?

We'd still get in,
but first I'd hit you

over the head
with his stick chair.

Excuse me.
Oh, please don't.

Uh, uh, I couldn't
help but notice

that you cut the line.

Oh, uh, I'm with my friends.

It's cool.

Well, no.

It's not cool.

If there were
reserved seating,

and we all had tickets,
that would be fine.

But this line is
first-come, first-served.

Not “show up tardy and
nevertheless be first served”.

Right here.


You need to go to
the back of the line.

Uh, who made you line monitor?

Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade.

And my slogan was
“a line that's straight

is a line that's great”"

Is this guy for real?

Boy, I wish
I could say no.

That was very nice
of Sheldon to apologize.

Well, he's come a long way.

Or a short way very slowly,

so it feels like a long way.

Your relationship
with him is fascinating.

I'm preparing to write a book
on high-achieving couples,

and I would love to
interview the both of you.

Oh, sure.

I'll-I'll talk
to Sheldon about it.

You know, Bernadette's husband
is a former astronaut.


Do you think
he would be interested

in being interviewed
as well?

Do I think he'd be interested?

Sometimes I hear him
pretending to be interviewed

when he's alone
in the bathroom.


I'll give you
my contact information.

Um, you should probably
talk to Penny, too.

About what?

Okay, you know what?

This is ridiculous.

I've been trying to make

a connection with you all day,

and clearly I'm getting nowhere.

Well, are you
seeking a connection

or just some form of validation?

What I was seeking was
some sort of friendship.

But at this point, I'll take you
not insulting me to my face.

My intention was never
to insult you.

You've been doing it all day!

Do you even know
what an insult is?!

Well, it's not a clinical term.

But one example would be
your marrying my son,

and not inviting me
or even telling me

the wedding was taking place.

Okay, good example.

What about Joss Whedon's work
makes you think he'd be okay

with rule-breakers
and line-cutters?!

The Avengers are rule-breakers!

Being vengeful is in
their job description!

They work for SHIELD,

which is a sanctioned department
of the U.S. Government!

Do you work for a
sanctioned department

of the U.S. Government?

As a matter of fact I do.

At a little place
called the DMV.

He's got him there.

The D even stands
for department.

Excuse me!

Excuse me,
can I please

see a show of hands?

Who here takes issue with
this person cutting the line?

Told you.

Well, what a sad
state of affairs!

That you've all been
so ground down

by life, you don't even notice
when someone disrespects you.

I can't believe
we're gonna get beat up,

and it's not
because of your chair.

You know, right now,
at the back of this line,

there's a movie fan
like you

who's not going to get in,

because this person
simply doesn't care.

Yeah, well, 61 years ago,

there was another person
at the back of the line

and her name
was Rosa Parks.

Okay, you may have
to pretend you're black

to get us out of here.

Now, let's follow in that
brave woman's footsteps,

and stand up for ourselves!

And-and I realize that she
stood up by remaining seated,

but now is not that time
to enjoy the irony of that.

Now, I ask you again.

Who here takes issue
with this person...?

Why should we listen to you?
You cut the line yourself.

I most certainly did not.

I saw you.

If you're feeling dizzy,

it's because the tables
have turned.

Excuse me, I paid someone
to wait in line for me,

and then
when I arrived,

he left, so what you
saw, my good woman,

was “swapsies”,
not “cutsies”.

Oh, no, no, no, no, wait!

I ask you all again.
A show of hands.

Who here takes issue...?
Well, stop moving!

He's gonna get in!

Buddy, let it go.
No, I can't.

This isn't right.

You did everything you could.

No, I could've done more.

Now, now, you
denigrated the memory

of a great civil
rights pioneer.

That's all anyone could ask.

To be honest, I'm surprised you
cared about the wedding at all.

I'm still human, Penny.

Not getting invited
to my own son's wedding

is difficult to ignore.

I know how you feel.

She didn't invite any of us.

It was spur of the moment!

But we did get to see a live
stream of it on the Internet.

I could've watched it
on the Internet?

Thank you.

So if we would have asked you
to come to Vegas

to see us get married,
you would've come?

No, I would've said
you're making a huge mistake.

But an invitation
would've been nice.

You really think
we made a mistake?

At the time I did.

But I-I've never seen
Leonard so happy,

so... perhaps I was wrong.



Well, um, how about this?

Maybe while
you're still in town,

Leonard and I could have
another small ceremony.

You know, if you're interested.

I would find that
perfectly acceptable.

(gasps) She would find it

perfectly acceptable!

You guys saw it! We bonded!


You doing okay?
You've been in there a while.

WOLOWITZ: (stammers)
I'm fine. Be right out.

Am I an American hero?

Well, that's
a good question, Jim.

Don't you think once
an astronaut leaves the planet,

he's a hero to all the nations
of the Earth?

(toilet flushes)

Okey dokey.

I think I have time
for one more question.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==