The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 16 - The Positive Negative Reaction - full transcript

Bernadette reveals her pregnancy to Howard and the rest of the gang.

English Subtitles.
The Big Bang Theory S09E16 [KoTuWa]
The Positive Negative Reaction

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Oh, look at all
that chest hair.

And overbite.

Of course you're a Wolowitz.

Son of a bitch, he bit me.

Okay, I guess I'll just go to
the emergency room to be safe.

Howie, this is just
your hypochondria.

When I sat on the mute button
and thought I'd gone deaf,

that was my hypochondria.

We'll find another time
to tell him I'm pregnant.




What is this?

I don't know.

Maybe it says
something on the back.

"Continued on milk."

If you're tricking me
into making my own breakfast,

it didn't work for my mom,
and it won't work for you.


"We are..."

"See spoons for more."

What could it be?

"We are Groot"?

"We are the champions"?

"We are family"?

"I got all my sisters with me."

Are you serious?


Are you sure?

Pretty positive.

That's a joke, because
the pregnancy test says...

Oh, my God.

This is incredible.

We're gonna be parents?

We're gonna get
to board planes first.

Finally gonna get to see

what's in that family bathroom
at the mall.

I know, it's crazy.

It is crazy.


I mean, how do you... prepare
for something like this?

I'm not even sure
I've held a baby before.

Oh, it's okay,
you'll figure it out.

But how's this all gonna work?

Do we get a nanny?

I mean, can we
afford a nanny?

And if we can,
we can't get a pretty one,

'cause it'll wreck our marriage.

We can't get an ugly one,
'cause it'll scare the kid.

I-I don't know, Howie.

Are we in a good
school district?

You're Catholic, I'm Jewish.

What religion do
we raise it?

And if it's a boy,
do we get him circumcised?

People say it's barbaric,

but if we don't, it looks like
a pig in a blanket.

Calm down, it's
gonna be okay.

How's it gonna be okay?

Look at me, I'm a mess.

And that means this baby's
gonna half a mess.

And that's even
before we screw it up

with our cut-rate
moderately attractive nanny.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x16 ♪
The Positive Negative Reaction
Original Air Date on February 18, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Hey, Raj, I read a couple
guys in your department

may have discovered a new
planet in our solar system?

Oh, I heard about that.

Why didn't you
discover it?

Because instead of being
in the telescope room,

I was busy making you guys
homemade jam for the holidays.

Well, you be sure
to let us know

when you win the Nobel
Prize for boysenberry.


Hey, bud.

Ready to play when you are.

Yeah, um, in a minute.

I actually need
to tell you guys something.

If it's "thank you"
for the homemade jam

you got in December,

you're the
first one.

What's going on?

I'm, uh...

uh, gonna be a father.

That's so amazing.
What? Congratulations.

Oh, no.

Why "oh, no"?

Because this changes everything.

What about comic book night?

Uh, what about playing
games together?

What about our trips
to Disneyland?

How can we do those things
with a child around?

Relax, there's room
for two babies in this group.

Oh, dear L...

Penny's pregnant, too?

You're the other baby.

Oh, really?

Okay, well, would a baby have
to shave once every 11 days?

Would an adult refuse
to eat his graham crackers

because one of them was broken?

I guess we'll call this a draw.

So, I'm glad
you guys are here.

There's something I want
to share with you.

Howie and I are going to...

Leonard says you're pregnant.


"Don't say anything.

Act surprised
when she tells you."

All right,
how you want to do this?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God, I
can't believe it!

This is so exciting!

Yeah, it's all real exciting.

Are-are you not
happy about this?

I am. Of-of course I am. I'm...

I'm sure it's just the hormones.

But it's weird-- Howie's the one
who's been talking about

having kids for years, and I was

all excited to tell him because
I thought he'd be thrilled,

but then he started to flip out

and now this
feels like a bad idea

and I'm gonna get fat.

No, no, come on. Come on,
you're not gonna get fat.

You're gonna be beautiful
and glowing

and-and have the cutest
little baby bump ever.

Easy for you to say,
skinny bitch.

Sorry, hormones.

Oh, that's all right.
All I heard was "skinny."

I wouldn't make too much
out of Howard

not reacting the way
you expected him to.

Yeah, I'm sure

it was just
the initial shock of it all.

You're probably right.

After we talked about it,
he started to calm down.

I shouldn't be raising a kid.

I don't even
eat my own vegetables.

Buddy, I-I think
you might be overreacting.

And then there's
this nose.

I mean, what if he
looks like me?

Or worse...

what if she looks like me?

Not to mention

the impact on our social circle.

Everything's going to change.

Howard won't be able
to come over as much.

Well, he could bring the baby here.
Oh, but then we'd have to

baby-proof the apartment.
You know, my sister

has one of those toilet locks
in her bathroom.

I have two doctorates,
I still had to go in the sink.

Oh, my God,
and do you have any idea

how expensive having a kid is?

I read that in Los Angeles,
raising a child through college

can cost over a million dollars.

A million dollars?

God, it's like my nuts
just kicked me in the nuts.

That's it-- I got to start

earning more money right now.

I know--
you could ask Bernadette

for a raise in your allowance.

This isn't a joke.

I wasn't joking.

It'll be fine.

People have kids every day.

You'll figure this out.
Yeah, come on,

this is great news
and you know it.

Oh... You're right, it is,

I'm just...
a little overwhelmed right now.

Hey, you know what we should do?

All get vasectomies so this
doesn't happen to us?

Go out and celebrate.

But not your worst idea.

Hey, let's go do something
to get your mind off this.

Yeah, yeah, we should go out.

Uh, I don't know, a bar?

Can't drink.

We can, but all right.

Are you hungry? How about
that sushi place you love?

Doctor said I can't have sushi.

Okay, look, we don't
have to go anywhere.

We can just, you know, stay here
and hang out in the hot tub.

Doctor said I can't
go in the hot tub.

Maybe you should
get a new doctor.

What, he said
you can't laugh either?

I'd like to propose a toast
to our friend, Howard--

his, um, his big heart,
his beautiful soul...

And his tight little pants

that somehow
did not make him sterile.


Well, look at this.

I bet whoever invented
tiny umbrellas

doesn't have to worry
about money.

He can have
all the kids he wants.

And can keep a small portion
of their heads dry.

If I'm gonna have any chance
of raising this kid,

I need to come up with
a big idea to make some money.

There's no reason you can't.
That's easy for you to say.

You and Sheldon
already came up with

your superfluid helium model.

That's just research.
We're never gonna

make any money from it.

Forget helium.
The real superfluid

is the fruit punch in this mug.

Reminds me of my daddy's secret

"Don't Tell Mama" juice.

Uh, these are strong,
you should slow down.

Oh. I'll just take one last sip.


Okay, how about this
for an invention--

slightly... bigger
cocktail umbrellas.

How is that a new invention?

I don't know, all Apple does
is change the size of things

and we keep buying them.

It's true. I like my giant iPad
and my little iPad

almost as much
as my regular-sized iPad.

This place is terrific.

Why-why have
we never been here before?

The same reason we don't do
a lot of fun stuff-- you.

That's some smart talk
from a guy

who can't even keep
his face in focus.

Where's the bathroom?

Uh, it's in the corner.

Excuse me.

Hey, how you doin'?

I hope the bathroom
is clearly marked.

Doesn't matter.

He's headed
for the kitchen anyway.

Maybe that's an idea--

guidance systems
for drunk people.

They have that.
It's called Uber.


In your supercooled
helium experiments,

did you create
quantum vortices?

Yeah. Why?

Well, if you made
a guidance system,

couldn't you use those vortices
as a gyroscope?

Wow. I've never thought
about that.

And since
it's in a quantum state,

it would maintain
an infinite persistence.

Groundbreaking revelations,
tropical drinks.

Tell me this isn't like the best
episode of Sex and the City.

You may have actually
just come up with something.

You think so?
I really do.

You guys, the bathroom
here is amazing.

There's people
cooking in it.

Think about all the fun
things you get to do

when you have a baby.

Yeah, you get to buy toys
and little clothes.

I kind of already do that
for Howie.

And-and whenever you're hungry,

you'll be in a minivan with
Cheerios all over the floor.

Oh, and I just found a
new travel cup for Sheldon.

It only lets out
three at a time.

So, when did you guys
decide to get pregnant?

Well, we didn't exactly decide.

We were talking about it,

and then one night
we got a little reckless.

Oh, tell us!
Yeah, tell us.

No, I'm embarrassed.
Oh, come on,

we're all grown-ups.
We've all done it.

Me! Me-me, too!
I'm a grown-up and I've done it!


We were out one night,

and things got
a little spontaneous.

Oh, that sounds juicy.

Well, Sheldon was going on
and on about time zones

and railroad schedules,
and I went out...

Wait, I remember that.
Hang on.

You did it
at our place?

Kind of on Sheldon's bed.


I was headed to the bathroom,

and I passed Howie
on his way out.

Usually he says,
"Do not go in there,"

but this time he said,
"Hey, let's go in here."

How could you do that?
I'm sorry,

but you know what it's like
when you're with your man

and one thing leads to another.

I do know what that's like.
I really do.

I'm not seeing anyone

using liquid helium
vortices like this.

I'm not finding
anything either.

That's a good sign.

Oh, wait, I found something.

Damn. What is it?

This video.
The baby panda sneezes,

and the mama panda
gets so scared.

Can you focus
on what we're talking about?

All right.

Look, now,
this may be the rum talking,

but as long as the unpinning
rate of the vortices

is kept within 1.1 and 1.3,

the Magnus force issue
should be negligible.

Even drunk, he's still smarter
than all of us.

And stronger.

Yeah. Who wants to see me
beat up the bartender?

I'd enjoy that.

Nah, she's a good kid.

If this is a viable thing,
we could get a patent

and license it to companies
that make guidance systems.

Look at that. You've known
you're gonna be a father

for less than a day
and you're already stepping up.

I'm telling you,
you got this.

Maybe you're right.

Of course he's right.

You and I both know how hard it
is growing up without a father.

That's why I'm confident
you're gonna be

the best dad you can be.

Thank you, Sheldon.

You're welcome.

And if he has
twins, we can do

all kinds
of neat experiments on them.

You guys can go in
if you want.

No, we're a team.

If you can't go in,
we're not going in.

Then why are we drinking?

Okay, it's not like she's got
the Christ child in there,

all right?

Oh. It's Leonard.

He says Sheldon's drunk
and they're gonna do karaoke

if we want to join them.

That sounds fun.

Oh, no.

Sheldon's drunk
texting me.

What's it say?

"Would you like
to sing karaoke with us."

How is that a drunk text?

He used a period
instead of a question mark.

He's so wasted.

♪ Your movie's showing,
so you're going ♪

♪ Could care less about the five
you're blowing ♪

♪ Theater gets dark
just to start the show ♪

♪ You spot a fine woman
sitting ♪

♪ In your row, she's
dressed in yellow ♪

♪ She says, "Hello" ♪

♪ "Come sit next to me,
you fine fellow" ♪

♪ You run over there
without a second to lose ♪

♪ And what comes next, hey ♪

♪ Bust a move ♪

♪ You want it ♪

♪ You got it,
oh, you want it ♪

♪ Baby, you got it ♪

♪ Just bust a move ♪

♪ You want it ♪

♪ You got it, oh ♪

♪ You want it,
baby, you got it ♪

♪ Just bust a move ♪

♪ You want it, you got it ♪

♪ Oh, you
want it ♪

Hey, guys. Congratulations!

Thank you.

Hi. How are you doing?

Oh, wonderful.

I'm being musically
encouraged to bust a move.

If I knew what that meant,
I might just do it.

I'm really glad
you're here.

Can we talk?

So, you gonna get
up there later?

A microphone,
a room

full of inaccurate depictions
of Polynesian religion,

and a captive audience
to hear about it? You bet I am.

I'm sorry I freaked out
this morning.

I want you to know...

I'm done being scared.

It's okay to be nervous.
I am, too.

Thank God, 'cause I was lying--
you might not have to wait

nine months to see
someone soil their pants.

But I'm also
really excited.

I mean it.

Me, too.

I love you.

And I'm not just saying that

because your breasts
are gonna get bigger.

♪ Are we an item?
Girl, quit playin' ♪

♪ We're just friends ♪

♪ What are you sayin'? ♪

♪ Say there's another
and look right in my eyes ♪

♪ My first love broke my heart
for the first time ♪

♪ And I was like ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby, ooh ♪

♪ Like, baby, baby, baby, no ♪

♪ Like, baby, baby, baby, ooh ♪

♪ I thought
you'd always be mine ♪

♪ Baby, I need your lovin',
got ♪

♪ To have all
your lovin' ♪

♪ Baby, I need your lovin' ♪

♪ Got to have
all your lovin' ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby,
baby ♪

♪ Ah, push it ♪

I appreciate this,
but you really...

♪ Push it real good ♪

♪ Land where my fathers died ♪

♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪

♪ From ev'ry mountainside ♪

♪ Let freedom ♪

♪ Ring... ♪

I'd like to dedicate

my last song of the evening
to my wife,

best friend,

now the mother of our child.

I love you, Bernie.

♪ ♪

♪ Havin' my baby ♪

♪ What a lovely way
of sayin' ♪

♪ How much you love me ♪

♪ Havin' my baby ♪

♪ What a lovely way ♪

♪ Of sayin'
what you're thinkin' of me ♪

You're kidding!

What kind of maniacs have coitus
in someone else's bedroom?!

♪ ♪

Thank you, Pasadena!
Good night!

That was such
a fun night.

Probably 'cause you got
to see your man

up there rockin' the mic.

Yeah, yeah.
I was a little surprised

when you decided to beat-box.

Oh. That was really
an asthma attack.

I just sold it.

Well, I am so happy for
Howard and Bernadette.

Me, too.

So, you ever think about it?


Well, I'm not in a rush
but someday, yeah, sure.

What about you?

I think we'd make
amazing parents.

Will you guys keep it down?

On the other hand, we might lack
a certain maturity.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==