The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 15 - The Valentino Submergence - full transcript

Sheldon and Amy host a Valentine's Day episode of "Fun with Flags", Leonard and Penny grapple with getting older, Howard and Bernadette find a surprise in their hot tub and Raj is torn between Emily and Claire.

Hey, gentlemen.
Hey. - Hey.

If any of you are looking for

something to do on Valentine's
Day, Amy and I'll be streaming

our first-ever live episode
of Fun With Flags.

You're welcome to join us
as we celebrate the timeless

love affair between
wind and flapping fabric.

Penny and I have dinner
reservations that night,

but any other time, no.

Sorry, Bernie and I
are breaking in

the new hot tub,
if you know what I mean.

Not a clue. Raj?

Spending Valentine's Day
with Emily.

You don't sound

very excited about it.

Oh, I am, I am.
I g... I guess

I'm still wondering if Emily
and I are right for each other.

Does this have to do with
that girl you had coffee with?

You mean the strong, sexy angel
I can't stop thinking about?

Who can say?

You've been talking about
breaking up with Emily forever.

Why don't you just do it already?
Yeah, just

get it over with.
Well, you

say it like it's easy.

Have any one of you

ever broken up with anyone?

Not really.

You know, uh, once I ordered
an Uber by accident.

I just got in
and went somewhere.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x15 ♪
The Valentino Submergence
Original Air Date on February 1

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

So, you really
gonna break up with her?

Yeah, I think so.
Do you have any advice?

Well, I have broken up
with my fair share of guys.

I mean, how many times
did I break up with Leonard?

I stopped
counting at four.

All right, my advice to you
is do it at her place

so you can leave
when you need to,

uh, tell the truth,
make it quick

and be prepared for tears.

Oh, I'm gonna do a pre-cry
before I go in there.

Really dry myself out.

She meant Emily.

No, I-I really didn't.

You're seriously
breaking up with me?


And you thought
right before Valentine's Day

was a good time to do it?

You're right--
let's talk again in a few days.

Hey, Claire.
Hi. It's-it's Rajesh.

I was-I was wondering if you're
free for Valentine's Day?

Sorry, I just got back
with my boyfriend.

But I just broke up
with my girlfriend.

Right before Valentine's Day?

What an ass.

Please take me back.
Our love was meant to be!

I'm gonna all alone
on Valentine's Day.

Well, you were
right-- tears.

Okay, and we are live
in 22 minutes.

I'm nervous.
I hope people

will be around to watch even
though it's Valentine's Day.

People who are fans
of an Internet show about flags?

Trust me, they're around.

Oh, and speaking
of Valentine's Day, I haven't

forgotten about you tonight.

What do you mean?

Well, you've become
such an integral

part of my life
as well as this show,

I felt it only right to include
your name in the title.


That is so sweet.

So from now on, this program
will be officially known as

Dr. Sheldon Cooper

and Dr. Amy
Farrah Fowler

present Dr. Sheldon' Cooper's
Fun With Flags.


I'm gonna
check the temp on the tub.

Don't make it too hot.

Sorry, but "too hot"

is the only temperature
I come in.

Look at that--

you shaved it all.

You're welcome.

Um, question--
this is my first hot tub--

is it supposed to come with
a rat flopping around in it?

Ew, really? Get it out.


wish we had a skimmer.

Uh, you turn off the jets,

I'll get a strainer
from the kitchen.

I don't know how
to turn off the jets.

Good, I don't know
where we keep the strainer.

Excuse me.

Uh, bad news.

The maître d' said
it's gonna be at least an hour.

An hour? What? That's crazy.
We have a reservation.

I know.
So what did you say?

Thanks, sorry to bother you.

But I said it like a badass.

All right, well,
can't you, like,

slip him some money
or something?

Really? I've never done that
before. Does it work?

Do people like money--
is that what you're asking?

A... a lot of attitude
from the woman

who thought MC squared
was a rapper.

Now, is that a smart thing
to say on a holiday

that's basically
national sex night?

I'm sorry.
You're pretty, I'm stupid.

Hello. Uh,

just checked again
for Hofstadter.

Still gonna be an hour?

I'm afraid so.

Okay. Thanks.


I think

you may have dropped this?


Did anybody lose a 20?

I did.

Oh, I took care of it.

, we are live

in five,
four, three...

Oh, wait. Oh, shoot,
I already pushed the button.

Never mind, we're live.

Uh, hello

and welcome to a
special live edition

of Dr. Sheldon Cooper...

and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler

Dr. Sheldon Cooper's
Fun With Flags.

Consider tonight's episode

a Valentine's Day gift
for you, our viewers.

It's also my gift to you.
That was clear, right?

'Cause you're not
getting anything else.

Since we're live,

you'll finally
be able to reach out to us

with your flag thoughts
and flag questions.

Allow us to answer a few quick
ones that we get all the time.

Uh, uh, yes, I
really am a doctor.

Uh, yes, she really
is my girlfriend.

No, I just blink a lot,

it's not Morse code
for "rescue me."

Oh, uh, ok...

Uh, here's our first call.

Hello, and welcome
to Fun With Flags.

What's your question?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I so self-destructive?



You two look happy--
how do you do it?

I-I think it starts
with good communication.

Yeah, wait, that's not a flag
question. Next caller.

I hope you don't think
I'm just saying this

because it's
Valentine's Day, but...

I love you so much.

I'm gonna put this
down your robe.

It's not moving,
but I think it's still alive.

Well, should we put it back
in there a few minutes?


No, and it's not a rat,
it's a rabbit.

We need to save it.

Well, how do we do that?

Um, I don't know,
look it up on your phone.

I-I'm gonna wrap it in a towel.

Um... "taking care

of injured rabbit."


Make sure
it's comfortable and warm.

Well, it was just in a hot tub.
I'm gonna say "check."

Anything else?

To make sure it's
not dehydrated,

feed him an
electrolyte solution.

If it's not responding,

use a warm cloth to wash
its face and genitals.


This is ridiculous.

You know, I'm gonna
go talk to the maître d'.

What are you gonna say?

I don't know.
I'm... I'm gonna flirt with him.

I don't know
if I'm comfortable with that.

I'm still
sleeping with you tonight.

See if you can
get a table by the window.

Hi there.
What's your name?

Oh, boy,

it is crazy in here
tonight, huh, Glen?

Well, you know, Valentine's Day.
Yes. Oh,

bet your girlfriend is super
bummed you had to work tonight.

Anyway, look, we have been
waiting a while,

and I just...
With all

due respect, ma'am,
there's nothing I can do.

You don't have to call me ma'am.

I mean,

we're basically the same age.


How old are you?

I'm 21. How old are you?

Just shut up, Glen.

Come on, let's get out of here.

What? Why?
Because I'm young. Let's go.

it's perfectly normal

to have doubts
after breaking up with someone.

Well, you really think so?

Yeah, you know
what's not normal?

Blubbering about emotions
during a flag show.

Unless that emotion is
excitement over New Zealand

changing their flag.

Yeah, good luck, you crazy
Kiwis, we're rooting for you.

Your friend is hurting.


Sheldon's right.

Emily did say I always

talk about my feelings too much.

I-I suppose that

could be a legitimate
concern in a relationship.

Uh, perhaps even
a-a red flag.

And speaking
of red flags,

check out this sexy number
from the former Soviet Union.

Hubba, hubba.

Oh. Uh, we-we have
another caller.

Hi. You're on
Fun with Flags.

Hello. I want to talk
about how lonely I am, too.

Kripke? Is that you?

Yeah, I'm just sitting here
all by myself

wondering if I'll ever find
someone to share my life with.

Preferably Asian, 18-24,
no fatties.

Please, all comments
and questions

should be flag-related.

All right. Is my pole

I don't see why not.

He's eating.
That's a good sign.

You're gonna have
to wait one hour

until you can go swimming again.

He's pretty cute.
He is.

Should we... name him?

It is Valentine's Day.

How about Valentino?

Nice. A classic rabbit name.

Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit.
Valentino Wolowitz Rabbit.

Oh, look at all that
chest hair and overbite.

Of course you're a Wolowitz.

Son of a bitch! He bit me!

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay!

Wild rabbits
can have rabies!

Oh. Well, why did you put
your finger near its mouth?

Poor judgment, obviously.

He's so little. I'm sure it's fine.
How can it be fine?

I just got attacked by a clearly
anti-Semitic wild animal.

It's not what we planned,
but this isn't so bad, right?

It is freaking amazing.

Well, glad
you're feeling better.

I was just hungry and cranky,

and I've never been called
"ma'am" before.

Is that a big deal?

Kind of. When was the first time
someone called you "sir"?

Sixth grade,

but I wore a sport coat
and carried a briefcase, so...

Can you believe
when I met you I was 22?

I mean, it's crazy!

Where did all that time go?

Mm, you watched
The Bachelor a lot.

Yeah, go ahead and make jokes,

but your thirties
are almost over.

No, they're not.

You're closer to 40
than you are 30.

Ha, ha! You
married an old man.

Tell you what.

Let's do something
fun tonight.

Won't make us any younger.

Well, maybe not, but some
day we actually will be old,

and we'll look
back on this night

and remember what
a good time we had.

Okay, like what?

I know. Food fight!

I'll keep thinking.

Look, I know you both feel bad
about being alone, but sometimes

the best thing you can do is
take a little time for yourself,

especially when you just
got out of a relationship.

Speaking of ending

when British Honduras
became Belize,

they designed a new
flag with a tree on it,

and I would like to hang
myself from that tree.

But, Amy,
when you and Sheldon split up,

didn't you start dating someone
right away?

Well, I... I wouldn't
say right away.

And actually, it was
three different men.

Three different men?!

Damn, girl,
way to give the milk away?

Oh, looks like
we just lost Kripke.

Actually, I'm still here.




Oh, looks like
we just lost Kripke.

Before Emily,
I was alone for so long.

I just... I don't know
if I can do that again.

Well, you know,
here is something

that might cheer you up.

The flag of the Isle of Man
is nothing but three legs

sharing a weird pair
of underpants, so...

you think you
got problems.

I have an idea.

Maybe someone in our audience

would be interested
in meeting Rajesh.

Ladies, I can attest

that he is a kind,
handsome, intelligent...

Rich parents!
Don't forget, rich parents!

...spoiled astrophysicist
who not only...

Oh. Well, that was quick.

Hi. You're on
Fun with Flags.

Hey, I think I got cut off.

Hello, Kripke.

I have a flag question.

How many men
did you have sex with?

Let's see. What's
young and fun?

Uh, we could
go dancing.

Are you actually
gonna dance?

Of course.

No one wants to see that.

Hey, how about skinny dipping
at the beach?

No, I don't need
any fish nibbling my business.

Oh, there's a screening
of Moulin Rouge!

I heard the crowd
sings along and stuff.

That sounds fun.
When's it start?


Midnight. Really?

You know what? Let's do it.

Okay, great!

Oh, wait. Uh, it's sold out.

Oh, thank God.

It says, rabies
in rabbits is

highly unlikely.

Oh, terrific.
It's not terrific.

Lots of highly unlikely things

You saw what's under this robe,
and you still married me.

If you're really worried,
we'll take him to the vet

and have him tested.

Thank you. Oh, okay,
there is a test!

All they have to do is...

cut off his head
and check his brain.

Oh, cut off his head?

That's where
his little nose is.

He's not showing
any symptoms.

I guess I'll just go to the
emergency room to be safe.

Howie, this is just
your hypochondria.

No, when I sat
on the mute button

and thought I'd gone deaf,
that was my hypochondria.

We'll find another time
to tell him I'm pregnant.

I mean, this is the first time

I've ever broken up
with someone.

I just... I didn't realize
it was gonna hurt this much.

It really can.

All right.

Nothing about
this is fun.

No one wants to
talk about flags,

and I haven't spoken
in over ten minutes,

so, enjoy your
new show, Internet.

Dr. Amy Farrah Flower
Present... With.

I'm sorry for bothering you.

I'll hang up now.

No, hold on, Rajesh.

You know, you're not being
very sympathetic.

You know firsthand
that breakups are hard.


If you insist on making
me a part of this,

yes, I knowledge how
painful they can be.

However, pain has an
evolutionary purpose.

It provides information
from the environment

that, uh, behavior
isn't good for us.

Like when I fell in love
with that stripper

and bought her a Prius.

I'm just gonna push
all the buttons.

Raj, now, I'm sorry
you're suffering.

When Amy and I were
broken up, I also suffered.

And this may
sound surprising,

but I'm grateful for
having gone through it.



I believe our relationship
now is stronger than ever.

So do I.

When-when we were apart,

I learned how important
you are to me.

And I realize

that when two people are
in love, sometimes they...

Happy Valentine's Day!

We are young and fun!

I stand corrected.


Congratulations on a
successful live show.

And a lovely
Valentine's Day.

Cleaning up
is not young and fun.

It can be.
Confetti fight!

Maybe you should take a break.

I got this.

Did you know the singular
of confetti is "confetto"?

Interesting, and when
would you use the singular?

I'm glad you asked.

Amy, you have a
confetto in your nose.

No, no, no, no. Other
side. There you go.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==