The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 7 - The Proton Displacement - full transcript

I've never seen him
this happy before.

That's because
you've never seen him

on "Restock
the Medicine Cabinet Day."

Look!

A new topical antihistamine
with lidocaine.

Wow!

I can't wait until I get a rash.

Oh, Gas-X has
a new ultra strength.

I guess they really do
read their mail.

Hey, isn't that
Professor Proton?

Oh, yeah.



Look at him,
just standing in line

like he wasn't moderately
famous 30 years ago.

Let's go say hello.

Oh, maybe we shouldn't
bother him.

I'm not going to bother him,
I'm going to talk to him.

He thinks there's
a difference.

Arthur?

Arthur, it's me--

Sheldon Cooper.

You may not remember because
of your advanced age.

Trust me, I... I remember.

This is my girlfriend, Amy.

Amy, this is television legend
Arthur Jeffries.

His science show inspired
millions of children.



Hold-Hold-Hold on.

You... You have a girlfriend?

Yes, and I've heard
so much about you.

Hey look-- we're wearing
the same orthopedic shoes.

I can't believe
I dress like a celebrity.

O-Okay, I get it now.

Dr. Jeffries, hello again.
Leonard Hofstadter.

Oh, oh, right, I remember
your-your girlfriend.

Is-Is she... is she here?

No, she's not.

So, what prescription
are you getting filled?

Sheldon.

No. Wait, I want to guess.
Don't tell me.

I wasn't going to tell you.

Sheldon, come on.

No, no, no.
I'm really good at this.

All right, give me a hint.

Does it involve difficulty
initiating a stream of anything?

Well, given my age, that's more
than just a lucky guess.

Hey, Sheldon, let's go
mock the people

buying homeopathic medicine--
you love that.

But I'm hanging out
with my friend,

and we're having fun.

Look how happy he is.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x07 ♪
The Proton Displacement

Bernie's having a girls' night
on Friday at our place.

You want to do
something?

Actually, I'm busy.
Doing what?

There's a new sports bar
over on Colorado Ave...

You're going to girls' night.
Yeah.

You know they're making
jewelry right?

You think they
came up with that?

They were going to drink beer
and play darts.

What's up?

Not his
testosterone levels.

Excuse me.

I happen to be very comfortable
with my masculinity.

How is that possible?

Hey, I got an email
from Professor Proton.

Goody!
What's it say?

He's working on a paper
about nano vacuum tubes,

and wants to know if I'd
take a look at it.

That's strange.

That he would come to you
for that and not me.

Oh, I got two emails from him.

"Do you have Leonard's
email address?"

And...

"Never mind, I found it."

I can't believe
he picked you over me.

You don't want to read a paper
by some old has-been

who hasn't done any real
science in decades.

Yeah, it's nothing
to cry about.

Sheldon Cooper does not cry.

It's true, you'd rust.

And to think I idolized
that man.

And why?

At the end of the day he's just
another Hollywood phony.

Is it really worth
getting upset about?

They say don't meet your heroes.

Don't peek behind

that curtain of fame
and celebrity,

because if you do, you'll see
them as they really are--

degenerate carnival folk.

Come on, he's a retired
kids show host.

That's even worse.

Using the sweet
candy of science

to trick children
into loving him.

Pervert.

Have you ever thought about

why Arthur didn't want you
to read his paper?

Yes, I have.

And my only conclusion

is the prescription he was
picking up the other day

was for cuckoo pills.

Maybe he found you,
um, a bit much.

That's kind of a stretch.

Look, when it comes

to social skills, I've
mastered the big three.

There's the coy smile.

There's the friendly
chuckle.

There's the vocalization
of sympathy.

Aw...

That last one's tricky,
I'm still working on it.

From what I saw the other day,

I could understand
why he and...

some people
might find you...

What?

Doesn't matter.

No, go ahead, say it.

I know what it is.

I've heard it my whole life.

The word's "annoying".

Go ahead, say it.

Say it.
Say I'm annoying.

Sheldon...

Oh, it won't hurt my feelings.

Go ahead, Amy, say I'm annoying.

I'm annoying.
I'm annoying.

I'm annoying.
Yeah, now, uh...

Now where
are you going?

Look, you know
you want to say it-- say it.

Say I'm annoying.
Go ahead, say it.

Say it. Say it.
Amy, say it.

Well, she can't stand it
when I'm right.

This is fun.

I'm going to feel like
such a vixen wearing jewelry

that doesn't have a list
of medications I'm allergic to.

Penny, how's it
going over there?

Good-- I'm just having
little trouble with the glue.

How do you not know
how to use glue?

Did you ditch pre-school?

Yeah, but only because I was
dating a second grader.

Hello, everyone.

Okay, let me have it.

Let's hear all
the "Raj is a girl" jokes.

Nope.

Bernadette told me it isn't
nice and I'm not allowed.

Thank you.

So I won't be making
fun of you,

or the things you like,

or the fact that you
just want to have fun.

Howie, stop.

Come on,
look at what I'm making.

Oh, that's actually pretty nice.

I'm making a bracelet.

Yeah, I'm just making a mess.

You know, instead of
beads and glue,

you guys can use
my soldering iron.

You'd be able to make
much cooler stuff.

Oh, I think we're doing
just fine, thank you.

Actually, I'd kind of like to try that.
Me, too.

Be right back.

When did I have pistachios?

Arthur.

Arthur.

Arthur.

Door knocker.

That's TV money.

Sheldon,
what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

Of course you woke me,
it's 7:30.

Well, I would
have been here sooner,

but for some reason your home

isn't on this map
of Hollywood stars.

What do you want, Sheldon?

It's been pointed out
by my girlfriend

that I may have been
annoying to you.

She sounds like a keeper.

Anyway, I wanted to apologize.

I am truly sorry.

All right, apology accepted.
Have a nice night.

No, no, now that...
we've cleared the air,

I wanted to discuss another
matter with you.

Sheldon, in a couple hours,
I have to get up,

pee and then wander
around the house.

Well, then,
I'll make this quick.

Um, I want to talk about
the paper you sent Leonard.

Now, I know he said
it's promising

and he's going
to collaborate on it,

but now that you and I
are friends again,

I am at your disposal.

Frankly,
lending my name

and reputation to it will help,
because a lot of people think

that you're a washed-up
has-been.

Or dead.

I should be so lucky.

So, uh, what do you say?

You know, if it's
all the same with you,

I think I'll stick with Leonard.

It's because
I'm annoying, right?

I know it is.
Say it.

Say it.
Say I'm annoying.

Good night.
Say it.

Arthur, say it.
Say I'm annoying.

Say it. Say it.

I'm annoying.
Say it.

You're annoying!

If you would have told me
when I was a kid

that someday I would
be doing science

next to Professor Proton,
I would not have believed you.

If someone had told me

that people would still
call me Professor Proton

when I was 83 years old,

I never would have
quit smoking.

I'm sorry, Dr. Jeffries,
I'm just excited.

This nano vacuum tube idea of
yours is really interesting.

Hello, Leonard.

Oh, hello, Arthur.

What an odd coincidence
that you're both here.

Why is it odd?

Because as it just so happens,
I'm also spending the day

with a beloved children's
television science personality.

Isn't that right,
new friend and colleague,

Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Sorry, I replaced you
with a newer model.

Wow, Arthur Jeffries.

It's an honor
to meet you.

My show never would have
happened without yours.

That's what
I told my lawyers.

Mr. Nye, hello.

I'm sorry he got you
involved in this nonsense.

He said I'd be
speaking to a class.

No, I said you were
teaching someone a lesson.

Now let's go.

What are you guys
working on?

Oh, uh, we're making
nano vacuum tubes.

Oh...

That's interesting.

Haven't you stolen
enough from me?

Back off, bow tie!

Hey, guys...

What do you think?

Wow, Penny,
good job.

Thanks.
Target, $4.99.

I'm getting a drink.

What are you working on?

Oh, I'm making
a necklace for my mom.

That's sweet.

Yeah, she and
my dad are

going through a bit
of a rough patch,

so I wanted to do
something to let her know

I was thinking
about her.

What's going on
with them?

They're just having

a little trouble
communicating.

My dad says it's because
the sound of my mom's voice

makes him want
to tear his ears off

and sew them
over his eyes

so he never has
to look at her again.

Hi.

Hey, guys.
Hello.

Look who's here to put

the "Jew" in "Jewelry Night"!

Oh, sure, so it's fine
when you say it.

Sorry we're late.

I wanted to swing by the lab

and pick up some even
cooler tools for us to use.

- I didn't know you were coming again.
- Well, last week

was a blast.

Plus, I thought you might like
having a guy here.

It was not funny.

So, what tools did you bring?

Everything we need
to make jewelry molds.

Here's some silver,
a crucible

and an acetylene torch
to melt it down.

Ooh, that looks like fun.

Maybe you should
master glue

before you move
on to fire.

Okay, who's up first?

Rajesh, do you want to make
a bracelet for your mom

to go with the necklace?

No, thanks.

I was gonna make
a necklace for my mom,

but unfortunately,
she doesn't have a neck.

She's just chins
and fat and feet.

Okay, we're almost ready to go.

Once we bond the wires,
we can test the tubes.

This is so exciting,
I-I feel...

like I'm 75 again.

Oh, God.

What... what is it?

Sheldon just sent me a picture

of him and Bill Nye
getting smoothies.

Can-can I ask you
a question?

Yeah, sure.

W-Why do you put up
with Sheldon?

Oh, uh, you know,
because we're friends.

Why?

Wow, you ask really
hard questions.

Yeah.

Look, I-I know
he can be aggravating,

but what you have
to remember is that

he's not doing it
on purpose.

It's just how he is.

But he's also loyal
and trustworthy

and we have fun together...

You... you know
you're describing a dog.

He did bite me once.

But in his defense,

I came up behind him
while he was eating, so...

Yeah, they-they hate that.

You know what, Sheldon is the
smartest person I have ever met.

And he's a little broken
and he needs me.

I guess I need him, too.

Why-why is that?

Boy, you will not
let this go, will you?

Oh, geez.

Another photo from Sheldon?

No, I have to go
pick him up.

Bill Nye ditched him
at the smoothie place.

He probably stole
his wallet, too.

You know, if you guys
are interested,

there's a technique where
I can take a lock of your hair,

refine it into carbon dust,

and use the hydraulic
press at work

to turn it into
a tiny little diamond

with your
DNA in it.

Oh, that's amazing!

Yeah. See Bernie's
engagement ring?

That came right off
my mom's back.

He's kidding.

If that were true,
it'd be so much bigger.

"My name is Howard.

"I can make your hair
into diamonds.

"My mom is morbidly obese.

Everybody love me."

Whoa, where is that coming from?

I'll tell you
where it's coming from.

All you do is make fun of me
for coming to girls' night

and now you're here
ruining it for everyone.

Raj, cool it...

he's gonna make us
hair diamonds.

How am I ruining anything?

I'm just trying to help you
make better jewelry.

But this isn't
about the jewelry.

This is about me having a place

where I can open up
about my feelings.

Since when can't you
open up with me?

There are just some things

that I feel more comfortable
sharing with the girls,

because they won't
make fun of me

or and call me names,
or ask me if my

"Koothrapanties are in a bunch."

Buddy, I was just
joking around.

Yeah, well, sometimes
your jokes hurt.

Well, you're right.

I didn't realize

I was making you
feel that way.

It was very brave
of you to tell me.

Thank you.

It wasn't easy.

They're gonna
have sex

before Sheldon and
I do, I know it.

Arthur.

Hi, Sheldon.

I'm surprised
to see you here.

Yeah, me, too.

Somewhere around
the third floor,

I began to see
a white light.

I'll get Leonard.

No, no,
no, I'm...

I'm here...
I'm here to see you.

If you're hoping to get
in touch with Bill Nye,

I can't help you.

I've been informed
that he's now

Bill Nye
the Restraining Order Guy.

No, I'm...

I-I was thinking,
if it isn't too much trouble,

I'd like to get your opinion
about my-my paper.

Thank you.

It would be an honor.

Oh. Uh, great.

Well, actually,
I don't need that.

I hacked into your e-mail
account and read it.

And... what did you think?

Well, first,
I think the fact that

you use your birthday
as a password

is embarrassing.

Mmm. Thank you.

Second, um...

I thought your
paper was inspired.

Oh, well, that...
that means a lot to me.

Can I invite you
in for tea?

Uh, no, no.
I-I really...

I have...
I have to run.

Hey, Arthur.
How are you?

Well, I guess one cup
wouldn't hurt.

Oh, hey, buddy,
what's up?

Well, I was
feeling bad

about how I acted
the other night

so I made you
a little something.

You didn't have
to do that.

Well, it was fun.

I used some of
the jewelry techniques

you taught us.

It's a lightsaber
belt buckle.

Wow, this
is so cool,

Thanks.
Oh gets better.

Wow!

And that's not even
the best part.

See?

I have one, too.

Check it out.

You can wear yours
and we can have little sword fights

whenever we want.

Yeah, and my eighth favorite
episode of Professor Proton

was "Alka-Seltzer Rocket."

You said,
"Plop, plop,

"fizz, fizz,

oh, what a blast-off it is."

Remember? Remember that?

Remember?

He can't help it.
He can't.

He really can't.
Oh!

Wait here.

I'll get some Alka-Seltzer,

we can build that rocket,

and we can shoot it
at Bill Nye's house.

As long as I'm not within
500 feet of it.

So, you, uh...

you have...
you have any...

single grandmothers?

Sorry, they're both married.

Good.

H-Happily?