The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Raiders Minimization - full transcript

For her Psychology class, Penny has on the recommended reading list one of Leonard's mother's books. Leonard doesn't want Penny to read it, and all about his troubled childhood. Penny does whatever she can, including having sex, to help Leonard overcome his feelings about her reading the book. Although Leonard's depressed feeling about Penny reading the book and about his childhood are short lived, Leonard decides to continue the ruse to get favors out of Penny. Meanwhile, Amy is indulging Sheldon's latest want, that to watch one of his favorite movies with him, namely Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981). Although she does not intend to do so, Amy ends up ruining the movie for Sheldon by pointing out that the character of Indiana Jones really is incidental to the movie's outcome, i.e. that the outcome would have happened with or without Indy. Sheldon goes to great lengths to ruin one of Amy's favorite arts/entertainment titles for her, which isn't as easy as he would like. And Raj and Stuart decide to try on-line dating.

So what'd you think?

It was good.

That's it?


I enjoyed it.
When you told me

I was going to be
"losing my virginity,"

I didn't think you meant showing
me Raiders of the Lost Ark

for the first time.

My apologies.
I chose my words poorly.

I should have said
you were about

to have your world
rocked on my couch.

Anyway, thank you
for watching it.

It's one of my
all-time favorites.

It was very entertaining...

despite the glaring
story problem.

Story problem?!

You-- oh, Amy...

What a dewy-eyed
moon-calf you are.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

is the love child of Steven
Spielberg and George Lucas,

two of the most gifted
filmmakers of our generation.

I've watched it 36 times,

except for the snake scene
and the face-melting scene,

which I can only watch when
it's still light out, but...

I defy you to find
a story problem.

Here's my jaw... drop it.

All right.

Indiana Jones
plays no role

in the outcome
of the story.

If he weren't
in the film,

it would turn out
exactly the same.

Oh, I see your confusion.
You don't understand.

Indiana Jones was the one
in the hat with the whip.

No, I do, and if he
weren't in the movie,

the Nazis would have
still found the ark,

taken it to the island,
opened it up and all died...

just like they did.

Let me close that for ya.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x04 ♪
The Raiders Minimization
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==


Hi! I thought you went

to the comic book store
on Wednesdays.

Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy
were having date night

and they don't need me
there to make it awkward.

They have each other
for that.

So, how was school?

Oh, good.
Check it out.

The Disappointing Child
by Beverly Hofstadter.

You bought my mom's book?


It's on the recommended
reading list

for my psychology class.

Come on.
Not that book.

It-It's got, like,
every horrible story

from my childhood in it.

Oh, cool.
Are there pictures?

Seriously, please find
another book.

Oh, come on. Why?
How bad could it be?

There-There's chapters
about potty training,

and bed-wetting and...


Basically, if something
came out of me,

she wrote about it!

You know what?
Do whatever you want,

just don't talk
to me about it.

Not even the chapter on
the breast-feeding crisis?

It was not a crisis.

Apparently, I favored
the left one,

she got a little

Oh, my God, you still go left!

Which celebrity would you say
I look like the most?

Halle Berry.


Stuart and I are putting
dating profiles online,

and it's one of the questions.

And thank you-- I'd kill
for that woman's bone structure.

Why are you reading
Pride and Prejudice?

I'll tell you why.

Amy ruined Raiders
of the Lost Ark for me,

so now I'm trying to find

something beloved to her
and ruin that.

Because her life wasn't enough?

Wait... how can, how can
anyone ruin Raiders?

It's perfect.

Yeah, except for the fact

that Indiana Jones is completely
irrelevant to the story.

With or without him, the Nazis
find the ark, open it and die.

Aw! Aw!

Hey, wait a minute.

No, the Nazis were digging
in the wrong place.

The only reason
they got the ark

was because Indy
found it first.

Actually, they were
only digging in the wrong place

because Indy had
the medallion.

Without him, they would have
had the medallion

and dug in the right place.

Aw! Aw!

Okay, I know you don't

want to talk about it,

but can I just ask you one
question about your mom's book?


I just want to know

why a five-year-old boy
puts on his mom's makeup

and wears balloon boobies.

They weren't boobies,
they were muscles.

And the makeup was green.

I was pretending
to be The Hulk.

You were wearing
her bra.

That was to keep my muscles
from sagging!

Can we please stop talking
about this?!

Okay, okay.

But you know,
as a student of psychology

who got a check-plus on
her first homework assignment...

I think, sometimes, it's good
to open up about these things.

Okay, fine.

Do you want to know why
I dressed like The Hulk?

Because I was always mad
at my mom

and I wanted to smash
my way out of that house.

Well, why were you so angry?

Gee, I don't know.
Maybe it's because

I was always the subject
of her little experiments.

Did you get to the chapter where
she staged the Easter egg hunt

with no eggs to see
how long I'd keep looking?

The answer, by the way: June.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I wish there was something

I could do to make you
feel better.

I do, too, but there's not.

Are you sure about that?

Of course, who am I to argue
with a check-plus student?


Just warning you--
I'm gonna go right.

Don't make a big deal
out of it.

Is makeup really necessary?

Well, when someone looks
at your dating profile,

the first thing they see
is your picture.

I just want to make
sure you look fun

and full of life
and not like a body

they just pulled out
of the river.

All right,
here we go, and...


Okay, uh-uh,
that one's in the bank.

How about this?

Turn away,
and then turn back into it.

But when you do,

imagine the camera is the girl
you want to meet.

You got it.

Okay, uh,

let's try it again.

Uh, but this time, pretend
the girl you want to meet

doesn't want to hurt you.

I don't think
I can give you that.

Come on. One more time.

Yeah, it's,
it's a little blurry,

but I think that works
in your favor.

Do you want a beer?


Hey, have you finished writing
your profile yet?


Oh, what did you put

as the one-word description
of yourself?

I put: unobjectionable.

But now that I hear it out loud,

it just seems like
I'm being cocky.

What did you put
for your best feature?

My parents' money.

Uh, what did you put
for your best feature?

I put: not applicable.

Come on, dude, you're being
too hard on yourself.

You've got a lot
of good stuff going on.

Really? Like what?

Well, okay, you're a,
you're a talented artist,

you own your own business.

Neither of those things have
ever helped me meet a woman.

Okay, well, can we imply

that you're well-endowed?

I do have one
oddly long testicle.

Okay, now you're talking
like a winner!

Whatcha doin'?

Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved
Pride and Prejudice

is a flawless masterpiece.

He's got too much pride,

she's got too much prejudice--
it just works.

So you're looking
to ruin something for her

in the funny pages?

Amy has a fondness for
the comic strip Marmaduke.

Mm-hmm. And...?

And I think I've got it.

a family possesses a dog
that is so large

and poorly disciplined,
he causes nothing but problems.

Why do they keep him?!

Maybe they fell in love with him
as a puppy

and didn't know how big
he was gonna be.

Of course.

You know, why couldn't she
just like Ziggy?


That thing's riddled
with plot holes.

Sorry, buddy.

I think she's a fan
of Garfield as well.

Oh, darn it, now so am I.

I'll see you later.

I gotta go watch a stupid
football game with Penny.

Wait-- hang on.

You've spent time with Amy.

Can you think of anything
she's fond of

that has a bunch of flaws
she hasn't noticed?

I gotta go.

You ready to go?

Yep. Hey, and maybe this time

you don't try and talk sports
with the guys.

Some sports bar.

It's like they never
even heard of Quidditch.

Do we really have to go?

Oh, come on.
Every time we're about

to hang out with my friends,
you don't want to.

It's like, "It's too loud,"

or "the bathroom's too dirty,"

or "they put a chicken wing
in my ear..." I mean...

Well, you're-you're right.

Let's just go.

Hey, what's going on with you?

Nothing, I'm fine.

All right, hang on.

is this still about
your mom's book?

No. Not everything is
about my mom.

'Cause if you're still
upset about that,

we don't have to go.

Except this is
totally about my mom.

I'm so sorry.

I never should have
read that book.

You know what?
You want to just get dinner

and watch the game here?

That sounds nice. Yeah.

Or, you know,
we could get take-out

and watch the Blu-ray
extended version

of The Hobbit movie
with commentary track.

On account of how sad
I am about my mom.

Leonard, you ready for lunch?

One sec!

Hey. Sorry.

Hi, Penny.


All right, sweetie.

You hang in there today.

I'll try, but I might
be sad again tonight.



Sex at work?!

Leave it alone.

That's my girlfriend.


Who just had sex
with me at work!

Damn. How'd you
swing that?

Well, whenever I
talk about how
awful my mom was,

Penny will do anything
to make me feel better.

Look, I mean...

I'm not proud of it,
but it does work.

I-I got her to watch

a six-part documentary
on Monty Python.

Even I was bored,
I just wanted to see

if she'd make it
to the end.

You sound kind of
proud of it.

I am; I'm really proud.


Hello, Sheldon.

Is everything okay?



Well, the last time you made

an unscheduled video-chat,

there was a curly fry
in your regular fries

and you thought someone might be
trying to slip you a mickey.

April 13...

a dark night, indeed.

So what can I do for you?

I'm calling to invite you

to a spontaneous date night
tomorrow evening.



You were kind enough

to watch Raiders of
the Lost Ark with me.

So I'd like to return the favor

by inviting you
to watch an episode

of your favorite childhood
television series,

Little House on the Prairie.

That sounds lovely.

Why are you
rubbing your hands together?


I'm putting on lotion.

Are you in or not?

Of course I'm in.


Then I shall see you tomorrow.

Good night, Dr. Fowler.

Good night, Dr. Cooper.

Good night, indeed.

What a rube.

Why would I put on lotion
when I have such soft hands?

You were really
quiet during dinner.

Is everything okay?


I guess I was just
thinking about my mom,

and how sad
my childhood was.

Yeah, I bet it sucked.

I'm gonna take a bath;
you do the dishes.

How about I take
a bath with you

and see what happens.

Here's what's gonna happen:

I'm gonna take a bath,

and you're gonna do the dishes.

That's it?

No compassion?

Aw, poor Howie.

We good?
I'm gonna take a bath.


God, what is going on with you?

I'm sharing my pain.

And I'm not buying it.
Try again.

I'm learning to be
a man in a culture

where it's increasingly
difficult to know how...?

Strike two.

I'm copying Leonard.

When he does this to Penny,

they have sex and
watch Monty Python.

I know.

It was dumb,

I shouldn't
have done it.

And it's making
me feel sad...

So sad.

You know, why don't
you take a bath? I'll do the dishes.

Three, two,

That's it.

Our dating profiles are
live on the Internet.

Attention all shoppers:

my business is open
for business!

That's right, ladies.

For all you know,

I'm confident
and fun to be around.

Oh, cool, it tells you

when someone's reading
your profile.


I hope that's not her weight.

If it is, I'll...
I'll take her.

Good one.

Ooh, I got one, too.

The ladies are
coming to us.

Oh, man, if I'd started
this years ago,

I'd be divorced two
or three times by now.

What...? Another one.

You know,
it... it's weird.

When they're reading
your profile, does it...

does it make you
feel exposed?

Like they see you naked?

Well, they're not running
away screaming, so, no.

I love Little House.

It made me want to
live on a farm so much

I tried to milk my cat.

That tangy bowl of Cheerios

was not worth the stitches.

Well, you sit back, relax

and enjoy a beloved
childhood memory.

You see that cabin there?

I read they were illegally
squatting on Indian land.


I think what we did

to the Native
Americans was wrong,

but this is your
favorite show, not mine.

Oh, look at little
Laura Ingalls,

eating that
peanut butter sandwich.

Peanut butter?!


That's strange,
since peanut butter

wasn't introduced
until the early 1900s.

If I knew this show
was about time travel,

I would have watched it
much sooner.

You're trying to get back at me

for what I said about
Raiders of the Lost Ark.

That's silly.

Almost as silly as Dr. Baker
having a telephone,

since telephones
only existed

in large cities
at that time.

This is more like
Little House on the Preposterous.

Sheldon, we're
in a relationship.

When you get angry,
just tell me.

You don't need to seek revenge.

Are you sure?

Every time my dad
stayed out all night,

my mom would put hamster poop
in his chewing tobacco.

Well, that's not how
we're going to do it.


I'm mad at you.

Not only did you ruin
Raiders for me,

you may have ruined
the whole franchise.

Except for the fourth one,

which was bad before
you got your mitts on it.

I-I shouldn't have said it.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Do you feel better?


But not as good as
I'm going to when I tell you

that your precious Garfield
has no reason to hate Mondays.

He's a cat.
He doesn't have a job.

Hey, I was just--
what is happening?

Oh, just a little treat.

I know you've been
feeling really bad

about your mom lately.

Oh, oh, I have.

So bad.

And I wanted
to make you feel better,

so I planned something
very special for you.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I can already feel it working.

Hello, Leonard.


I understand you have been
whining about my parenting

in order to emotionally
manipulate your girlfriend.

I... uh...

Bernadette told me

Now you don't get
the left or the right.

Let's discuss

why you continue to involve me

in your sex life.

Oh, please, Mommy.

No, Mommy.

When you were six years old,

you walked in on me
and your father naked.

I was swatting his bottom

with your brand
new Ping Pong paddle.

I didn't dream that?

How did that make you feel?

Penny, come back!

I'm sad for real now!

In the last two hours,

162 women have
read our profiles.

How many of them have
sent us messages?



Dude, this is...
this is brutal.

I don't think I've
ever felt so rejected.

And I had a rescue dog

who ran back
to the pound.

This is the worst.

If we're gonna get shot down,

we might as well just
go to a bar

and do it old school.

And make them
look us in the eye.

Yeah, anything is
better than this.


Not interested.

I was wrong.
This is worse.

Wait, wait-- if it wasn't
for Indiana Jones,

the ark would never have
ended up at the warehouse!

That's true!

He collected and
delivered the ark

to the proper
authorities for filing.

Like a hero!

Yes! Right!

Although, technically,

Indy was supposed
to take the ark

to a museum to be studied.

He couldn't even get that done.


== sync, corrected by elderman ==