The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Deception Verification - full transcript

Sheldon feels betrayed when Leonard returns from the North Sea and wants to spend his time with Penny instead of him. Howard's latest foray into helping his mother has some disastrous side effects.

And here's another
interesting weather fact.

Another? Great!

Changes in jet streams
can affect the speed

at which the Earth
rotates on its axis,

so bad weather can actually
make the day longer.

Well, there must be a hell
of a storm somewhere.

Joke if you must,

but you're going to
miss these moments.

With Leonard home
in a few days,

this was your last time driving
me to the grocery store.

You know,
I will miss this.

I'll tell you what,
if my apples are mealy,

we'll hit the produce section
for one last crazy blowout.

Heck, you can even
push the cart.

Please don't take my looking
forward to Leonard's return

as criticism of the job you've
been doing in his absence.

I won't.

That criticism will come later
in your report card.

Yeah, I didn't stay
for the detention,

I'm not gonna read
the report card.



Shh, shh.

Keep your voice down.
Oh, my God.

You weren't supposed
to be here till Sunday!

We finished
the experiment early,

so I thought I'd come home
and surprise you.

Oh, my gosh, why
are we whispering?

I didn't tell Sheldon,

so we could have
a few days alone.

Oh, that is
so romantic.

Uh, sure,
that's why I did it.

Oh... I just cannot
believe you're here.

Penny, it's
your lucky day!

Three of the eggs are
clearly not jumbo.

Grab your keys.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x02 ♪
The Deception Verification
Original Air Date on September 26, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Uh, Stuart,
I was wondering

if you could help me
find something.

Happy to, unless it's hope
or a reason to live.

Oh, you make me laugh,
sad clown.


Leonard will be back
in a couple days

and I need a welcome-home
gift for him.

As he's been at sea,
perhaps something

with a nautical theme
might be appropriate.

Okay, well, I don't know
how much you want to spend,

but I do have this pretty
cool Aquaman statue.


Oh, this isn't
a gag gift, Stuart.

Yeah, just as well.

It's a pretty
rare piece.

I'd rather just sell it
to a real collector.

I'm a real collector.

How rare is it?

Oh, I shouldn't even
have mentioned it.

How about a Batman
squirt gun?

Don't try and trick me

into buying something
I don't want.

Now let's talk Aquaman.

What were they thinking,
putting Doctor Octopus's mind

in Spider-Man's body?

Well, I've been
quite enjoying that.

It combines all the
superhero fun of Spider-Man

with all the body-switching
shenanigans of Freaky Friday.

Both versions:
original and Lohan.

"Both versions: original and Lohan."

You're an idiot.

Hey, what's your problem?

I'm sorry, I've been
kind of snippy lately.

It's probably this
stupid diet I'm on.

Why are you on a diet?

I've put on
a couple pounds.

Had to buy these pants
in the men's section.

Well, we've all
seen your mom.

That Butterball turkey

was bound to come
home to roost.

That's my final offer!

All right, Sheldon,
you win.

I'm sure Leonard
is gonna love this.

Oh, right,
a present for Leonard.

You better throw in
that squirt gun.

Yeah, I don't know.

This squirt gun, it's,
uh, it's pretty rare.


And this is me doing
the Titanic pose on the boat.


And... oh.

That's me getting rescued
after I fell in.


Oh, that's the pizza.


Here's some money.
Thank you.

And I'm gonna hit the head.

That's what us
salty sea dogs say

when we have to go pee-pee.


Okay, here's, uh, $25.
Keep the change.


I just walked up, like,
four flights of stairs.



Well, here's, um...

30-something cents

and a promise
I won't call your boss

and tell him
you reek of marijuana.

Oh, Penny, I see
you've ordered pizza.

I have Chinese food.

That's nice.

Oh, that's
a rather earthy cologne.

My uncle used
to wear that.

Perhaps we can enjoy
one last meal together

before Leonard returns.
Yeah, thanks,

but I kind of feel like
eating alone tonight, so...

Are you sure?

With your Italian pizza
and my Chinese noodles,

we could play Marco Polo.

I mean, of course, a
reenactment of a meal

in the life of Marco Polo
the Venetian explorer,

not Marco Polo the
terrifying water sport.

Uh, yeah, it sounds fun,
but no thanks.

Have a good night!

What, now...
do you have company?

No. No, no, no.

You know what?
Th-The toilet's been doing that.

I called
the building manager, so...

Oh, I can take a look at it.

I'm quite familiar
with plumbing.

Not to brag,

but I spent most of fifth grade
with my head in a toilet.

Yeah, no, no, no.

You know what,
Sheldon, it's okay.

You don't have to go
into the bathroom.

That's curious.

If there's no one here,

why are there two glasses
of wine on the table?


Well, you know,
I-I've got two hands

and a bit of a drinking problem.

Of course.

Ask a silly question.


That's odd.

Um, what?

There are takeout containers

in the trash can.

So? That's my dinner
from last night.

What's odd is
they're in the trash can.


Look, honey,
I promise there's no one's here.

I've had a long day.

I just want to have
a quiet dinner by myself.

Oh, very well.

I'm no stranger to enjoying
the pleasures of solitude.


Have you gotten Leonard
a welcome-home gift yet?

Oh, great.

Do you want
to go halfsies

on a $200 squirt gun?

Hi, honey.


I made some brownies.
You want one?

You're kidding, right?

I mean, you know

I'm trying to lose weight.

God, I thought we were partners
in this marriage.

We are. Stop it.

And for the last time,
you're not fat.

Really? Tell that
to the bathroom scale,

'cause one of you is lying.

Fine, forget I asked.

How was dinner
at your mom's?


I had to rub her ointment
all over her again.

Why can't she do it?

'Cause we've got a deeply
unhealthy relationship.

Which reminds me,

do you think you can get
any samples of this from work?

This was supposed
to last her a month,

but they didn't take
into account

the square footage of her back.

Let me see.

How long have you been
putting this on her?

I don't know.

Few weeks. Why?

This is really strong
estrogen cream.

Please tell me
you've been wearing gloves.

Like these swollen sausages
could fit in gloves.

Howie, the estrogen's getting
absorbed by your skin.

That's why you've been

all bloated and moody
and a giant pain in the ass.

You're full of estrogen
and you don't act like that.

That's 'cause I'm a woman.

I've had years of practice
riding the dragon.


I'll wear gloves next time.

It's still gonna take
a few weeks

for the hormones
to leave your system.

I feel so stupid.

And fat.

It's okay.

You still look
great to me.

In fact, why don't
we go in the bedroom

and I'll prove
it to you?

Sex? Really?

I mean, that's just
your solution to everything!

Oh, and here's
a fun thing.

I worked it out
so that there are

two different
words for spoon:

"planko" and "janko."

"Planko" is a spoon
with food,

"janko" is a spoon
without food.

"Janko" is spelled
with a silent "ptang."

Sheldon, you're
not even listening

to the rules of my
made-up language.

Yes, I am.

Then what does
"tweepadock" mean?



Lucky guess.

I'm sorry.

I'm just distracted
by something

that happened over at Penny's.

What happened?

I fear Penny is being
unfaithful to Leonard.


She claimed to be alone

when there was obviously
someone else in her apartment.

I have no choice but
to assume the worst,

given Leonard's
lengthy sea voyage

and her famously
ravenous nether regions.

I don't think Penny
would cheat on Leonard.

Oh, really?

She and I once had
a staring contest.

She clapped really loud
and made me blink.

It's a small leap from
there to sexual infidelity.

You're being ridiculous.

Amy, there were Chinese
food containers...

in the trash can.

Poor Leonard.

Do you hear anything?

I hear a woman's voice.

Is it Penny?

No, it's you.

All right,
I hear whispering and giggling.

Now I think
I hear kissing.

Yeah, like you know
what kissing sounds like.

There's kissing
in Star Trek, smarty-pants.

Let me listen.

Sounds like Leonard.


Why would Leonard
come home early

and waste his time kissing Penny

when he could be hanging out
with his best buddy?

Yeah, that's it.

I'm catching
her in the act.

No, Sheldon, don't.


What the hell?!


Sheldon, you cannot just
barge in here like that!




Are you going to

answer the door or should I
open it and say "aha" again?

I'm sorry, Sheldon.

I should've told you I was back.

I just wanted to have
a couple days alone with Penny.

Oh, no, I should apologize.

Uh, I never realized
to what extent

our friendship was
a burden to you.

That is not fair.

I complain about what a burden
it is at least once a month.

Oh, no, no,
let's not sugarcoat this.

You find me finicky,
pedantic and annoying.

No, he doesn't.

I actually have used
those exact words before.

In that order.

Well, Leonard,
I think it's high time

you and I address
the "tweepadock" in the room.

The what?

Please leave me out of this.

Uh... fine.


there's no need for you

to pretend to like me anymore.

Come on, I said I was sorry.

No, no, you save your apologies

for after you've had
disappointing coitus with Penny.

It was fine.

Come on, this is silly.

Hey, um, I brought you back

a little present
from my trip, huh?

It's that sailor cap
that you wanted.

It's neat, huh?

You honestly think you can
buy back my friendship

with a cheap souvenir?

I don't.

No, I really don't.

Just try it on.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, sailor.
Ooh, now we're talking.

Excuse me.

This changes nothing.

Except the Halloween costume

I'm wearing this year.

Amy, you're going
to be Olive Oyl.

Lay off the donuts.

Thanks for coming over.

No problem.

Ooh, you made
little sandwiches!

Yeah, that's cucumber
and cream cheese.

That's turkey and loganberry.

And don't tell my hips, but I'm
warming up a brie in the oven.

Nice. So...

Mmm. What's up?

Okay, well, I've been reading up
on all the side effects

you can get from estrogen,


I need you to be honest with me.

Do my boobs look bigger to you?

Well, it's kind of hard to tell.

Come on, Raj,
it's a "yes or no" question.

I'm not sure.

Um, wait.

Jump up and down--
let's see if they jiggle.

Uh, no, I...

I still can't tell, uh...

Oh, you know what?
Okay, uh, give me some of this.


Do you want my help or not?


Okay, yup.

See, see, that-that
looks like...

that looks like
they could be bigger.

But you know, I bet...
I bet when I do it,

mine do the same thing.

Yeah, they kind of do.

Hmm. Uh, let me
see something.

Hey, easy!

My nipples are sensitive.


Sorry, sorry, uh...


I mean...

Yeah, m-maybe.

Okay, let me feel.

No, I am definitely
up a cup size.

You know, b-but
they're very firm,

so you've got that
going for you.

You think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
very perky.

Thank you.

I really needed
to hear that today.

Ooh, brie's ready!


Good morning.


So am I driving
you to work

or are you still mad at me?

I'd like a ride.

Assuming you actually do

take me to work.

Where do you think
I would take you?

Who knows?

Uh, you said
you'd be home yesterday,

but you came home
three days ago.

You say you're
taking me

to work, but for all I know,

I'll end up
in a deserted amusement park.

Or a cornfield maze.

Or a back alley dog fight.

You tell me.

I'm going to work.

You can come if you want.


By the way, you have
something on your shirt.

No, I don't.

Hurts, doesn't it?

You know, I find
myself wondering

if anything you've
ever told me is true.

I didn't make it back.

The ship sank,
I'm in hell.

You say you're from New Jersey,
but how can I believe you?

Why would anyone claim
to be from New Jersey

if they weren't?

All right,
I'll give you that one.

Hey, I said
I was sorry.

What else
do you want from me?

I want you to admit that
what you did was wrong.


What I did was wrong.

I wish I could
believe you.

You know what?

I'm not driving
you to work,

because you're
incredibly annoying.

You say one thing
and do the other,

so then you are driving me
and you find me a delight.

Stop it.
Keep it up?



So I guess you're really holding
up the other four fingers?

Oh, hey, what are you
doing here so early?

Driving Sheldon to work.

He's still mad at Leonard, huh?

Well, he's mad at you, too.

He says you're the succubus
who led his friend astray.

I don't know
what "succubus" is, but...

it has "suck" in it,
so that can't be good.

Thought I heard
you out here.

Hey, Sheldon.

You don't get a "hey."

You get a "hmm."

Come on, don't be like that.

We had so much fun together
the last couple of months.

You're right.

Which makes your betrayal
all the more devastating.


I let you buy
feminine hygiene products

with my supermarket club card.

You have any idea
the kind of coupons

I'm going to get
in the mail now?

Sheldon, your fight's
with Leonard.

Penny's got nothing to do...

Careful, Amy.

The friend of my enemy's
girlfriend is my enemy.



You're either with me
or against me.

You want to take
the bus to work?

Maybe there's a third option.

FYI, I had a doughnut
for breakfast, you jerk.

So now we're just
waiting for the data

from the ship to be crunched,

but the numbers look
pretty promising.

That's so great.

If you guys prove the existence
of Unruh radiation...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

My eyes are up here.

Howard, Raj.


You know what?

You're a crazy person.

A crazy person
with a long memory,

and if all goes
according to plan, a robot army.

Stop it.

Or a mutant army.

It depends on how
my Kickstarter goes.

I said, stop it!

Now, listen to me.

You two aren't just friends.

You're best friends.

And that's a beautiful thing.

I mean, Leonard, you know why
he's so mad at you?

It's 'cause he missed you!

Yeah, and as his friend,

you should be happy

he has love in his life.

As I do.

This man held my breast
the other day,

and I love him for it.

A little loud, dude.

So, can we please put aside
these petty differences

and just be glad
we're here together?

I suppose so.

Thank you.

Uh, it wasn't anything weird.

It was just to see
how big they were.

And then Leonard took me
to the barber and the dentist,

and then to cap off
the perfect day,

the Los Angeles Bureau
of Weights and Measures.

I thought the measures
were going to be the stars

of the show;
turns out it was the weights.

I'm so glad you guys
are friends again.

And I'm glad you and I
are friends again, too.

Which reminds me.

This came in the mail,
and I want you to have it.

"50 cents off Vagisil."

Think of me
when you apply it.

Uh, can I just say,

I've missed all of us
hanging out together.

Me, too.

Um, since when can
Koothrappali talk

in front of the girls
without a beer?

Oh, that happened
right after you left.

And no one told me?

Can't believe
we forgot to tell him.

Think of Sheldon
when you apply it.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==