The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - The Egg Salad Equivalency - full transcript

When Penny finds out Alex has a crush on Leonard, Sheldon gets himself and the rest of the guys in trouble with Human Resources whilst trying to solve the problem.

Well, I must say, Leonard,
when I first heard

your idea for Giant Jenga,
I was skeptical.

I can't blame you-- Tiny Twister
was a complete bust.

No, I was wrong.

The looming threat
of being crushed

under a pile of lumber
does add a certain spice.

I've never felt so alive.

Oh, hello, Alex.

Uh, let me go get you
last night's recordings.

What recordings?

Well, you remember when
you told me I talk in my sleep?

Well, it occurred to me that,
like most things I say,

it's probably pure gold.

So I started recording it all,

and now Alex gets
to comb through

eight hours of what I like
to call "Sheldon After Dark."

- Hey, Leonard.
- Hey.

Just playing a little
Giant Jenga here.

Oh, I know-- I'm the one
who had to buy him the helmet.

So, do you have any plans
this weekend?

Well, most of Saturday's
gonna be figuring out

where to put this game
when we're done.

How about you?

Oh, I'm gonna go see
Kip Thorne give a lecture

on subatomic space-time.
- Ooh.

That's his take on John
Wheeler's quantum foam.

That should be great.

Well, if you want,
you can come with me.

Ah, I'd love to, but I'm
supposed to hang out with Penny.

Well, bring her.

Well, she's not really

into that kind of stuff.

Yeah, okay.

Well, if you want to hear
about the lecture,

I can tell you all about it
at work, or, you know,

over dinner sometime.


Giant Jenga, I win!

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x12 ♪
The Egg Salad Equivalency
Original Air Date on January 3, 2013

== Encoded, Synced & Corrected by
$H@uN ==

Oh, come on, that
can't be true.

I did the research--
Tony the Tiger,

Dig'em the Frog, Cap'n Crunch,
Toucan Sam, Count Chocula,

Trix the Rabbit,
Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Not one cereal
mascot is a girl.

It's a total breakfast
sausage fest.

Are we done with this?

Almost-- Franken Berry,
Boo Berry,

Sugar Bear and the
Honey Nut Cheerio bee,

I believe his name is Buzz.


Something weird happened and I
don't know what to do about it.

What's going on?

Sheldon's assistant asked me

on a date last night.

How could you do that to me?

You know I've been working it
with Alex for weeks.

Working it?
You can't even talk to her.

I talk with my eyes.

You look like my little cousin

when he's dropping
one in his diaper.

She knows I have a girlfriend.

It's so weird.

Oh, my God. You're
loving this.

To my bones.

I mean, I'm not gonna do
anything about it.

I love Penny. It's just nice to
have a young, attractive woman

sniffing around the goods.

I both hate you
and want to be you.

This is Ryan Gosling
all over again.

Aw, gentlemen.

What is on the conversational
menu this morning?

Leonard stole my woman,
and he knew full well

I was only six to eight months
away from making my move.

I didn't steal anyone.

Your assistant is totally
hitting on this jerk

and he loves it.

Well, that's not acceptable.

I'm her boss.

She needs to be solely
focused on my needs,

not distracted by your pasty,
androgynous brand of sexuality.

I'm androgynous?

Oh, please.
Look at you

with your pouty
bee-stung lips.

What do you guys
think I should do?

I say you tell Alex
your heart belongs to Penny,

I provide her a shoulder
to cry on,

and then roughly half a year
later I give it to her good.

I want to thank you all for
coming on such short notice.

Uh, in the past,
I've reached out

to each of you
individually, but

I believe my present situation

requires the collective wisdom
of the group,

which as you can see from
your commemorative T-shirts

I have dubbed

Sheldon Cooper's
Council of Ladies.

What is happening?

I need your advice about
a delicate workplace situation.

Uh, to protect those involved,

I'll be changing their names.

Who's involved?

Well, a short, bespectacled
colleague of mine

who lives in the shadow
of his brilliant roommate.

Let's call this colleague
Ricardo Shilly-Shally.

You're talking about Leonard.

No, no, Shilly-Shally
has red hair

and, uh, he briefly served
in the Mexican Navy.

Anyway, despite the fact
that he has a girlfriend,

Shilly-Shally has been
the recipient

of inappropriate workplace
flirtations from a young lady.

It's your assistant Alex,
isn't it?


Not... No. This is
Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.

Wait, what the hell's going on

with Leonard and Alex?
- No,

I'm sorry. Who's talking
about Leonard and Alex?


Fine. Ricardo and Tondelaya.

Okay, look, it's not really
about Ricardo and Tondelaya.

It is really about her boss,

who doesn't quite know

how to handle this situation
and could use your advice,

which is surprising because
Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm...

He's usually pretty smart
about these things.

I'm gonna kill her.

I'm sure you've got nothing
to worry about.

Leonard would never
cheat on you.

She's right.

But say the word--
I got a lab full

of cocaine-addicted monkeys
with nothing to lose.

One of them could end up
in the backseat of her car.

Or her shower.

Ladies, ladies, please.

We're not here to talk
about Penny, okay?

We're here to talk about me.

Uh, I mean Einstein
Von Brainst... Oh, darn it!

All right, I guess
the cat's out of the bag.

Let me explain what's
going on-- Ricardo is really

- Leonard...
- We know what's going on, Sheldon!

Well, what should I do?

Well, Alex is your employee.

If she's doing something that's
making Leonard uncomfortable,

you should talk to her.

Oh, no, he's not
uncomfortable at all.

No, he's loving it.
Yeah, he's strutting

around like he's five-foot-six.

What... He's loving it?

Sheldon, you need
to talk to Alex right away.

Talk to her?
That's all you've got?

With a cool name like Sheldon
Cooper's Council of Ladies,

I really expected more.

Give me back the T-shirts.


check my schedule.

- What does my afternoon look like?
- I think it's pretty wide open.

Oh, wait.
Here's something at 4:00.

"Give Alex a talking to"?

Well, that snuck up
on us, didn't it?

- Is there a problem?
- Let's not

call it a problem.

Let's call it an opportunity.

To solve a serious problem.

What did I do?

You don't know?
Oh, you poor dear.

Your ovaries are squirting
so much goofy juice

into your brains you don't
even know which way is up.

You made an inappropriate sexual
advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

What? I didn't make
a sexual advance on anybody.

Now, there's no need
to get defensive.

I'm not unsympathetic
to your plight.

My father used to say
that a woman

is like an egg salad sandwich
on a warm Texas day.


Full of eggs and only appealing
for a short time.

This conversation is
making me uncomfortable.

Yeah, you and me both, sister.


please understand...

I don't hold you responsible
for your behavior

because, see, from an
evolutionary standpoint,

you're a slave
to your desire to reproduce.

But during the work day,

when you feel possessed by
amorous intent, may I suggest

that you suppress it
by leafing through

this illustrated book of
sexually transmitted diseases?

Let's see here.
Oh, yes.

Check out this oozy doozy.

I have to go.

So does this fellow,

but he can't without it
burning like hot soup.

Hey, pretty lady.

Oh, you seem extra happy.

Uh, I guess I am.

Any particular reason why?

Mm, I don't know,
just having a good day.

This morning Sheldon
fell asleep

on the way to work, so I got
to listen to the radio--

that was pretty crazy.

Mm-hmm. Anything else?

Mm. I found this quiz online

called "Which Star Trek
Character Are You?"

and it only took me four tries
to get Captain Kirk.

That's great.

Oh. It. Was.

Hmm. Well, I'm glad
you're having such a great day.


And the one thing that could
make it even better

is an evening
with my special girl.

Oh, and who's that?

What do you mean?

Oh, I just didn't know
if you meant me or Alex.

Um, why would I mean Alex?

Because I know she hit on you
and I know you liked it!


Don't play dumb with me,
Ricardo Shilly-Shally!

I'm missing something.

Did you say something
to Penny about Alex?

Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot
of good it did me.

All she did was get mad at you.

Why would you do that?

I needed advice about a woman.

I would have asked you,

but if the last few years
have proven anything,

it's that you can't tell
a uterus from a unicycle.

At least I know
not to blab to a girl

about somebody flirting
with her boyfriend.

Good to know.

Yeah, a few more
helpful hints like that,

you may find yourself
on the Council of Ladies.


I see.

Uh, what time?

Very well, then.


That was the Human Resources
Department at the university.

Apparently, my assistant Alex
has filed a complaint

accusing me of inappropriate
behavior in the workplace.

Oh, my God, what did you do?

Hmm, let me think.

Nothing. I'm a delight.

Human Resources Department.

Human Resources Department.

Human Resources Department.

Come in.


Ah, Dr. Cooper, have a seat.

Thank you.

I called you in today
because your assistant

Alex Jensen has lodged
a complaint against you.

So I've been told.
But I can't understand

what she has to complain about.

I mean, she has a front-row seat
as I make scientific history.

There's string cheese

in my mini-fridge,
and that's for anyone.

Yeah, and just yesterday

I led her away from a life
of sexual promiscuity

by making her look at pictures
of disease-ridden genitalia.

Cancel my next appointment.

This is gonna take a while.

Dr. Cooper,

you said things to your employee

that you just cannot say
in the workplace.

Like what?

Well, according
to Ms. Jensen,

you said that she was a slave
to her biological urges

and called her
an "egg salad sandwich."

I don't even know
what that means,

but I'm gonna go ahead
and tell you you can't say it.

Oh! I see the confusion here.

No, no, Alex thought
I was singling her out. No.

I meant that all women

are slaves to their
biological urges,

you know?

Even you.

You're a slave.

I'm a what?

Well, y-you...
I-I'm just saying,

you know, at a certain point
in a woman's menstrual cycle...


You can't talk about that,
either, Dr. Cooper.

Your language is entirely

and I'm gonna advise

that you shut your mouth
right now.

I d... I don't see why I'm
the one being persecuted here.

Dr. Hofstadter-- he was bragging
about his sexual desirability

to anyone who would listen.

You know, and
Howard Wolowitz--

he spent two years
using university resources

building a six-breasted
sex robot.

Oh, and at the office
Christmas party,

I heard Rajesh Koothrappali
refer to you several times

as "Brown Sugar."



and the last one was
Rajesh Koothrappali?


No, yeah, but in his defense,
that wasn't racist.

He's also brown.

♪ I'm... sorry Alex hit on me ♪

♪ Hit on me

♪ Hit on me...

♪ Sorry Alex

♪ Hit on me,
I'd no idea I'm cute. ♪

Oh, damn it, you are.

Please forgive me.

I should have told
you about Alex.

I don't care about Alex.

Fine, I care.

Okay, I hate that bitch.

But what really hurt is that
you liked it so much.

I mean, do I need
to be worried?

- Of course not. No. Why?
- Because...

she is pretty and smart,
and when you talk about work,

she doesn't have to go home
and look up words in the dictionary

to understand what you said.

- You do that?
- No.

Hang on.
Are you feeling insecure?

Because that's my thing, and if

you take it away, I don't know
what I'm bringing to this relationship.

Yes, Leonard, I am insecure.

- Happy?
- No,

I'm not happy.

- Why are you smiling?
- I'm sorry.

I just never think of you
having feelings like that.

- Well, I do.
- Why?

Nothing is ever going to
happen between me and Alex.


Come here.

I'll tell you a secret?

- What's that?
- With all these women chasing me,

I kind of do feel
like Captain Kirk.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Sure.

Keep talking about Captain Kirk,
and we're all gonna stop.

Message... received.

Ah, excuse me.


This is Dr. Hofstadter.


All right, thank you.

That's weird.

I'm getting called in
to Human Resources.

What did you do?

I don't know.

Huh. I just got called
in to Human Resources.


I don't know.

Huh. That is so strange.

Human Resources wants
to talk to me tomorrow.

Could you stop licking
your ass for two minutes?

I have a problem here.

Do you really think you
should be drinking right now?

How else am I supposed to talk
to the Human Resources lady?

I don't know.
Seek professional help?

I did. The guy at
the liquor store said

this stuff tastes
great in coffee.

Wait, you got called in, too?

What is going on?

Sheldon threw us
all under the bus.


I feel like I've been called
down to the principal's office.

Although I wouldn't mind
if Brown Sugar suspended me.

From a sex swing!

This may have been a mistake.

Relax. Everything's
gonna be fine.

You know, before
I met Bernadette

I was in here every other day.

Uh, little tip:

turn off your "I Like Big Butts"
ringtone before you go in.

Well, this is all your fault.

- How is this my fault?
- If you weren't

screwing around
with Sheldon's assistant,

none of this would be happening.
- I wasn't screwing around with anyone.

Oh, of course not.

She was just sniffing
around your goods

because she was hunting
for truffles.

Ah, Mr. Wolowitz,
it's been a while.

Hey, Janine.

How are Tom and the kids?


You must be
Dr. Hofstadter.

Yes, but I think this is all
a big misunderstanding.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

I didn't do anything.

Is that alcohol on your breath?

Howard built a sex robot.

That is not true.

All I did was build a robot.

Did it have six breasts?

I'm sorry,
I'm a feminist--

I don't notice things like

how many breasts a robot has.

Well, hello.

- What are you doing here?
- Actually, I came

to speak to Mrs. Davis.
And I'm a little busy right now.

But I came to file a complaint.

Yeah, somebody has made me feel
uncomfortable in the workplace

by using language of an
inappropriate and sexual nature.

And who was that?

You, you dirty birdie.

I-I thought about the things
you said to me yesterday,

and I realized
I'm deeply offended.

Now, be a dear and get me
one of those complaint forms.

That's it.

All of you, in my office now!

And thanks to you, I
know better than to ask

if you're menstruating.

And based on your behavior,
I don't have to.

It has been pointed out to me that...

some of the things I said to you

could be construed as...

and I would like

to offer you
my sincerest apology.

- Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
- Yeah,

additionally, you should know
that the university

has mandated that I take

an online
sexual harassment seminar

so this sort of thing
doesn't happen in the future.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Now,

unfortunately, uh,
my time is much too valuable

to waste on nonsense like this,

so... um, I'm gonna need you
to take it for me.

Oh, and, uh,
you'd better ace it--

they're pretty mad.

So, hey, I was thinking
about that stuff with Alex.

Oh, would you stop
worrying about that?

I can't help it.
But, look, I figured

I could sit around
and feel insecure,

or I could do
something about it.

So I got a course catalog

at school and looked
at some of the science classes.

That's great.

No, it isn't--
they are extremely boring.

I mean, how do you not
kill yourself, like, every day?

Anyway, I decided

I don't need to be a scientist,
I could just look like one.

So I bought these.

- Glasses?
- Mm-hmm.

I really don't think

that's gonna change--
oh, my God,

you look so smart and hot!

I know, right?
Watch this.


- Okay, come with me.
- Where are we going?

To my bedroom,
so I can take everything off

but those glasses...

and maybe the boots.

== Encoded, Synced & Corrected by
$H@uN ==