The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - The Santa Simulation - full transcript

The girls take Raj out to a nightclub to find him a date. A game of Dungeons and Dragons rekindle old memories of Santa for Sheldon.

Okay. "Now holding sides of hearth
in position...

...lower mantelpiece assembly
onto top tabs."

Look at that, I built a fireplace
with my own two hands.

You're so butch.

Aw, I got a little paper cut.

Of course you did.
You're hands are softer than veal.

Oh, uh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning
a Dungeons & Dragons night with the guys.

That's how you're gonna spend
your Saturday night?

- Come on, I hardly get a chance to play.
- You poor thing.

Is having a real girlfriend
who has sex with you...

...getting in the way
of your board games?

A little bit, yeah.

Oh, great, I've always wanted to play
Dungeons & Dragons.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I should've mentioned this earlier.

You're not invited.

Why not?

Amy, from time to time,
we men need to break free...

...from the shackles of civility and get
in touch with our primal, animalistic selves.

By rolling dice and playing make-believe
with little figurines?

Like a bunch of savages.

Saturday night?
But I've been working late all week.

- That was gonna be our night.
- I have to go, we play as a group.

And if I'm not there,
then everyone will blame you.

They'll be all, "Bernadette ruined
everything. She's the worst."

So you see, heh,
I have to play Dungeons & Dragons.

For the marriage.

You're an idiot.

I'm your idiot. Forever.

So listen, I know we talked about
getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake...

...then seeing the Christmas lights
in Griffith Park...

...but Leonard's talking about
a big D and D game at his place.

Saturday night just went
from crazy to epic.


All right, Sheldon, to start our quest... need to open this Christmas gift
I got you.

A Christmas gift?

You know I don't enjoy Christmas.

- What's wrong with Christmas?
- Oh, where to begin?

Trees indoors.
Overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas."

And the absurd custom of one stocking.

Everyone knows socks belong in pairs.

- Who uses one sock?
- A pirate with a peg leg. Heh.

Actually, that helps. Thank you.

Would you just look inside?

Oh, a scroll! I like scrolls.

They're my third-favorite system
of transmitting the written word.

After stone tablets and skywriting.

"You have all been summoned to join
a thrilling Dungeons & Dragons adventure.

Your quest begins in a secret
northern village of elves...

...who have all been massacred."

Ah! I like where this is headed.

"Your task is to rescue their leader
from a dungeon of ogres."

That's a saucy twist.

"That leader's name: Santa Claus."

No, no, no.

It's actually "ho, ho, ho,"
but you'll get the hang of it.

Thought it'd be fun to make
a holiday-themed quest.

Fun? Mixing Dungeons & Dragons
with Christmas... like making a sandwich of grape jelly,
the best-tasting jelly...

...and petroleum jelly,
the worst-tasting jelly.

Okay, here we go.

"You find yourselves in the smoking
remains of Santa's village.

Clearly a great battle has taken place."

Oh, man, the first monster I see,
I'm going to sneak up behind him...

...whip out my wand
and shoot my magic all over his ass.

Do you hear yourself
when you say these things?

Okay, there are ogre tracks and
a trail of broken candy canes in the snow.

Sheldon, what do you do?

I signal my contempt for your cruel plan
to shove Christmas joy down my throat... making a gesture that says,
"Get a load of this guy."


Fine, Howard, what do you do?

I follow the ogre tracks,
checking for secret doors along the way.

And you discover a secret door
leading to a dark corridor.

Let's make a plan. Spellcasters in the back,
warriors in the front.

Screw that noise, I'm going in.
Hang on, Santa, I'm coming for you.

Okay. You run into a room full of weapons,
hit a trip wire.

A cannon blows your face off.
You die, you're out of the game.

What? A cannon?

Am I really out of the game?


Okay, come on. Moving on.

Wait, doesn't anyone have
a rod of resurrection?

Because if you've got one, I need it bad.

Get in here with your rod
and give it to me.

Okay, you need to say these things
in your head before you say them out loud.


Hey, I don't mean to interrupt
your little game...

...but I thought you'd like to see what
you're missing out on. So, ahem, Bernadette?


Bernadette's wearing leopard-print pumps
and a racktastic red dress from Forever 21.

And there's Amy showing
all kinds of ankle... an outfit I'm assuming
is from Forever 63.

And I myself... wearing a little number that got me
out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.

I know they're making a rhetorical point,
I just don't know what it is.

See you, boys. We are going drinking.

Wait. Can I come with you?
My character died.

- Sorry, Raj. It's girls' night out.
- Maybe another time.


Come on.


Girls' night. Girls' night. Ooh! Ooh!

How does he not hear that?

What's the plan?
We gonna teach our fellas a lesson... getting stinking drunk,
luring strange men into the bathroom...

...and turning the toilet stall
into a temple of the senses?


- No.
- No.

Jeez. Who's Forever 63 now?

Can we get another bottle of champagne
for the table? Don't worry, it's my treat.

- Thanks.
- You should come to girls' night more often.

And not just because if you weren't here
this would be a can of Pabst.

Nothing makes me happier
than the chance to spoil a lady.

Just ask my dog. My vet says
if I give her any more foie gras...

...she's going to die of gout.

- Hey, let's help Raj meet a girl tonight.
- No, no, no, I'm fine.

Are we talking one-night stand
or do we wanna get him into a relationship?

Let's get him laid.

Stop it, you're ruining girls' night.

Raj, you're a great guy, you're in a bar
full of single women. Let us help you.

You're a real catch.

You're shy, but that doesn't mean
you shouldn't have someone in your life.

That's sweet of you,
but what can you do to help?

We'll nose around, see if we can find
a nice girl and then introduce you.

Okay. A couple of things.

Don't tell them I come from money,
I want them to love me for me.

They must be insanely hot.

Like nines or 10s.

Nines or 10s?

Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing
to bring another eight to the hot tub.

You'll take any woman
who'll have you, right?

In a New Delhi minute.

I don't remember you buying these
miniatures in my store.

Oh, uh, yeah. I got them on Amazon.

Sure. I get it.

Why support a friend when you can support
a multinational conglomerate...

...that is crushing the life
out of that friend?

I know, but when I shop online
I can do it on the toilet.

Have you seen my store?
The whole place is a toilet.

- Can we please move this along?
LEONARD: Yeah, sorry.

Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel
and find a large chest.

What do you do? And Howard, do not say,
"I feel up the large chest."

Excuse me, I'm a married man now.
I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile.

- Great, what do you do?
- I walk up to the large chest...

...bury my face in it and go:


I open the chest.

It's locked, but suddenly the door
behind you slams shut...

...and now the walls of the room
start closing in.

That's not good. My character and I
both have claustrophobia.

Glowing letters appear on the chest
that read:

"If squashed to death
you wish not to be...

- ...sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory."
- Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?

- Walls are getting closer.
- Oh, boy. Happy place, happy place.

Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia.

Ten seconds from getting crushed.

- Nine. Eight.
- What are we supposed to do?

- Seven. Six. Five.
SHELDON: Wait, wait.

Svaty Vaclav is better known
as Good King Wenceslaus...

- ...from the Christmas carol.
- Never heard of it.

Must be the one Christmas song
not written by a Jewish guy.

- Three. Two.
- Somebody sing the damn song.

[SINGING] Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen

When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even

Walls are getting slower.

[SINGING] Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel

When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel

- The walls stop. You're safe.
- That was amazing, Sheldon.

- How'd you know that?
- Simple.

I combined a well-known historical fact
about Bohemia...

...with the memory of my grandparents,
Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop...

...singing carols,
while I sat in front of the fire...

...and tried to build a high-energy particle
accelerator out of Legos.

- Okay, continuing our quest...
- Wait, there's still four more verses.

You don't sing a song and not finish it.

[SINGING] Hither, page, and stand by me
If thou know'st it, telling

Yonderpeasant, who is he?
Where and what his dwelling?

Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was...


- It looks like he's doing pretty good.
- Of course he is.

That girl just got dumped by her boyfriend,
she's angry, she's drunk...

...and her favorite movie
is Slumdog Millionaire.

That is some low-hanging fruit.

Oh, here he comes.

- So, how'd it go?
- Great.

I bought her a couple of drinks
and she gave me her e-mail address.


"Jennifer at not even if you were
the last guy on Earth dot loser."


I'm sorry, Raj.

Why can't I find someone?

I'm smart, I've got a cool job
and my naturally bronzed complexion...

...means I can pull off mustard yellow
in a way most guys can't.

- Aw, honey, it's not you, it's them.
- No, it's not. She was too beautiful for me.

- Why would you say that?
- It's true.

I'm always attracted to women I can't have.
I do it all the time.

I did the same thing with the two of you.

The two of them? I don't understand.

Well, uh, there was a time
when I had a thing for Penny.

I thought she was into me too.
She got drunk and naked...

...and climbed into bed with me.
But apparently, I misread those signals.

And you liked Bernadette also?

That was before Penny.

I make it a rule to only fall for
one of my friends' girlfriends at a time.

I'm very old-fashioned that way.

So at, uh, some point,
you probably had a thing for me too.

No. Not really.

- Come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
- Not that I can think of.

Think harder.

Nope. I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.

Or in this case, doesn't. I mean, at all.


[SINGING] Ye who now will bless the poor
Shall yourselves find blessing



I think the word you're looking for
is "bravo."

Okay, you leave the room and find yourself
standing before a pool of melted snowmen.

Melted snowmen? Are there carrots
and lumps of coal in the water?

- Uh, what's the difference?
- It's a game of the imagination, Leonard.

- Paint a picture.
- Fine. You leave the room and find yourself...

...standing before a pool of melted snowmen.
There are carrots and coal in the water.

Do we know what happened to the top hats
and the corncob pipes?

- You see those too.
- Oh, it's like I'm really there.

I gotta tell you,
this is the most holiday fun I've had...

...since my therapist
changed my anxiety medication...

...and I stopped caring about the blood
in my stool.

Good story.

- What're you drinking there? Little eggnog?
- Yes. Is there a problem?

No, it's nice to see you enjoying
a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmasy.

Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink?

Eggs are available all year round.
I've been known to enjoy this poolside.

Come on, Sheldon.
You know all the Christmas stories...

...and the carols, you've got
an eggnog mustache going on there.

Just admit it,
you're getting a little yuletide spirit.

Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of
baloney created by the tinsel industry.

Why is this so important to you?

I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid.
I'm tired of you sucking the joy out of them.

- What was so bad about them?
- I grew up in a house full of crazy academics.

Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies,
we had to leave him a research paper.

And in the morning, you could tell he'd been
there because the paper would be graded.

No wonder you love Christmas.
That sounds amazing.

It wasn't amazing.
I got a C-minus four years in a row.

I'm familiar with your work.
C-minus was your gift.

Amy, I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.

It's fine. I'm used to being the girl
who never gets looked at twice.

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22.

The guy only did it
so I'd give him back his insulin.


Sometimes the pancreas wants
what the pancreas wants.

Forget it.
I don't expect you guys to understand.

I understand.

In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle
and it landed on Alina Shankar.

She said if I came near her,
she would break the bottle and cut me.

You think that's bad?

In college, I passed out at a frat party
and woke up with more clothes on.

Sometimes I get so lonely I sit
on my left hand until it goes numb...

...then I put it in my right hand and pretend
I'm holding hands with another person.

I do that too.

Sometimes the left hand tries
to cop a feel.

And I let it.

It's kind of nice to talk to someone who
understands what it feels like to be alone.

It is, isn't it?

But you're not alone anymore.
Now you've got Sheldon.

I do. And don't worry,
someday you'll have somebody too.

Thank you. I hope she's half as lovely
and amazing as you are.

Thank you, Rajesh.

He wants me, I'm good. We can go.

- Damn it.
PENNY: What?

Now that I know she doesn't like me,
I'm kind of into her.

All right, I think I cracked the code
to lower the drawbridge.

Great. Let's do it.


The drawbridge is lowering.

- My carpal tunnel's acting up.
- Play through the pain.

You did it. The drawbridge is down.

You cross the chasm
and find yourself in a small dungeon room.

And in the corner, chained to the wall,
you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus.

He says, "Ho, ho, help me."

Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved.

Don't ever tell my mother I said that.

I take out my skeleton key
and run to Santa to unchain him.

But first I cast a spell of paralysis
on Stuart and Howard.

- What are you doing?
- Can't talk, you're paralyzed.

I get right up in Santa's big, fat face
and say:

"Well, well, well, Jolly old Saint Nick,
we meet again.

I believe the last time we spoke was
in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas...

...when I was 5 years old, isn't that right?"


My mother dragged me there
and plopped me down on your lap...

...and you asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.

I told you my Pop-Pop, because
that was the year my grandfather died.

I missed him and I wanted him back.

This is weird, right?

Pop-Pop was the only one in my family
who encouraged me to pursue science.

But you didn't bring him back, did you?

No. Instead, I got Lincoln Logs.

Now, you can build a lot of neat things
out of Lincoln Logs...

...but Pop-Pop ain't one of them.

And now you're here asking me
for something. To save you.

Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle.
But today's not your day.

I'm leaving you here to rot
and I hope the ogres feast on your bones.

I take the skeleton key,
toss it into the chasm...

...and on the way out give Santa a swift kick
in his bowl full of jelly.


So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed,
Santa's dead...

...and I picked this over having sex
with my girlfriend.

- Santa?
- Oh, hello, Sheldon.


You should be asleep.

Well, then you shouldn't have jingle bells
on your boots.

I've been wanting to talk to you.

I'm sorry I disappointed you
when you were a little boy.

I can do a lot of magical things...

...but unfortunately bringing
your Pop-Pop back isn't one of them.

- I understand.
- But I do have something special for you.

Close your eyes.

Oh, I hope it's a train.

Oh, it's better than a train.

Two trains?


- I'm getting three trains.
- Okay, open them.

This is for leaving me in the dungeon
to be eaten alive by ogres.

Now, hang on. In my defense...

Ho, ho, ho, you big dork.


[English - US - SDH]