The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Date Night Variable - full transcript

Raj crashes Sheldon and Amy's second anniversary and interferes in Leonard and Penny's relationship. Howard gets caught in the middle of an argument between Bernadette and his mother.

Previously on The Big Bang Theory:

ALL: We now pronounce you
husband and wife.


- I love this part!
- Me too!

I have strongly mixed feelings.

So Howard's really in space?

The International Space Station,
250 miles that way. Heh.

Right now Howard
is staring down at our planet... a tiny Jewish Greek god.


I must admit,
I can't help but feel a twinge of envy.

He can look out the window...

...and see the majesty of the universe
unfolding before his eyes.

His dim, uncomprehending eyes.

It's like a cat in an airport carrying case.

You know,
it's not exactly glamorous up there.

The water the astronauts drink
is made from each other's recycled urine.

Must be nice.

Nobody wants anything
that comes out of me.

- I wonder what he's doing this very second.
- Conducting experiments in zero gravity.

Peering through his telescope
at the birth of the cosmos.

Whatever it is,
we know his life will never be the same.

Howard, can you hear me?

I can hear you without the phone!

Don't be snippy.
I'm just excited to talk to my baby.

I'm excited to talk to you too.

So, what's this mishegas about you
moving out to go live with the little Polish girl?

How about calling her my wife? Heh.

Wives don't take boys from their mothers.

They do, that's why we marry them.

I just hope I'm not dead
from a broken heart before you get back.

Ma, please, everyone from NASA
is listening to this phone call.

Good, they should know
what a horrible son you are.

Okay, Ma, great talking to you.
Gotta go.


Well... is ruined.

This is so exciting.

Soon my upper lip will be the same
fake-blond as my beautiful best friend.

Hey, this is my natural hair color.


So does Sheldon have anything special
planned for you tomorrow night?

Yes. According to the relationship agreement,
on the anniversary of our first date...

...he must take me to a nice dinner,
ask about my day...

...and engage in casual physical contact...

...that a disinterested onlooker
might mistake for intimacy.

That's hot.

You kids better use protection.

- How long does this stay on?
- Just a couple minutes.

- You've really never done this before?
- Once in high school. But I dozed off...

...and woke up with second degree
chemical burns on my face.

Oh, my gosh, that's awful.
Did the other kids make fun of you?

No, I had a cover story.
I told everyone it was herpes.

- So how's everything with you and Leonard?
- I don't know. It's still kind of weird.

We haven't really recovered
since he proposed to me in the middle of sex.

Oh. Boo-hoo.

If Sheldon proposed to me during sex... ovaries would grab onto him
and never let go.

Leonard, where do you stand
on the anthropic principle?

- Interesting question. On the one hand...
- You don't even know what it is, do you?

The anthropic principle states...

...that if we wish to explain
why our universe exists the way it does...

...the answer is that
it must have qualities...

...that allow intelligent creatures
to arise...

...who are capable of asking the question.

As I am doing so eloquently right now.

I know what the anthropic principle is.

Of course.
I just explained it to you.

Now, where do you stand on it?

- Where do you stand on it?
- Strongly pro.

Then I believe that God
created the world in six days...

...and on the seventh
he made you to annoy me.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Raj, where do you stand
on the anthropic principle?

- I'm all for it.
- Thattaboy.

Why do you believe that he knows
what it is, and I don't?

Oh, Leonard...

...let's not take a saw to the branch
we're sitting on, shall we?

Hey, if you guys are free tonight
I heard about a spa...

...where you soak your feet
in a pool of fish...

...that eat the dead skin off them.

I don't need to tell you, in Los Angeles...

...sandal season is year round.

- Actually, I'm hanging out with Penny.
- Oh, okay.

Sounds like it's me and you.

How about we sic some guppies
on those puppies?

As I've stated before
on numerous occasions...

...the only sea creature
I would consider being eaten by... the Kraken. Because the last words
I would hear are "release the Kraken."

That never gets old.

Release the Kraken!

Oh, chills.

Besides, I'm having dinner with Amy.

Oh, okay. I'll just go home and be alone.

Which is cool.
I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so...


If you weren't busy I'd ask you to join us.

Really? I can come? Thanks.

Sheldon, are you sure you wanna bring Raj
on your date night?

Oh, absolutely.

I have a contractual obligation... provide Amy with conversation
and casual physical contact.

But nowhere is it specified
that I can't outsource that to an Indian.


- Howie?
- Hey, there's my beautiful bride.

- Can you see me?
- I can.

- How are you?
- I'm amazing.

This is even better than I dreamed.

I look out the window...

...and it's all so unbelievable.

Good for you. I just had a seemingly
endless dinner with your mom.

Oh, yeah? That's nice. Heh.

It was. Until I found out you never told her
we're not gonna live with her.

Let's talk about that for a minute.

Hey, look, this pen is floating. Heh.

How crazy is that?

You said you told her but you never did.

Okay, okay, I know you're upset...

...but let me share something
I've learned since I got here.

You realize how small
your problems are...

...when you're looking down
on them from space.

Heh. Come on,
that's gotta make you feel better.

How clear is the image of me
on that screen?

Pretty clear. Heh.

Do I look like I feel better?

I mean, it's not, like, HD quality.

Listen, you're gonna talk to your mother
and you're gonna fix this.

Or that thing I said I was gonna do to you
when you got home... can do to yourself.

Like he's been doing since he got here.


Sheldon, this place is so romantic.

Aw... I'm glad you like it. Raj picked it out.

When you see him,
tell him I say thank you.

Tell him yourself.

Yoo-hoo! Over here.

I don't understand. What's he doing here?

- I invited him.
- On our date?

Sheldon, that's not okay.

Oh. Yes, it is. There's a loophole
in the relationship agreement.

You found a loophole?

Sorry I started without you...

...I'm a little nervous.
It's been a long time since I've been on a date.

I can't believe
I bleached my mustache for this.

You should go to my girl,
she'll knock out those sideburns for free.

You know, Amy, I don't think
you and I have had a real conversation.

Let's use tonight
to get to know each other better.

You start.

Go home.

- I don't understand.
- Sheldon, how could you do this?

- It's our second anniversary.
- It's your anniversary?

Oh, my God, I had no idea.

Amy, please, let me make this right.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure. Waiter?

A bottle of champagne
and three glasses.

Oh, boy, isn't this romantic?

I hope that's a rhetorical question
because I have no clue.

Mm. This is great, what's the occasion?

No occasion.
Things have been a little weird between us... I wanted to throw together
a fun night for you.

- That is so sweet.
- I got your favorites:

Beer, wings, sliders, we can watch
the football game. I even painted my stomach.

- Go sports?
- Well?

In case you were in the mood for baseball,
I didn't wanna look ridiculous.

- This is awesome, I love it.
- Good, I'm glad.

I worked my ass off,
so this is what I needed.

Great, just relax and enjoy.
Tonight is all about you.

Ah. Thank you.



So where exactly are we
in this relationship?

Oh, come on, I just told you
I had a hard day.

- You're right, I'm sorry. Let's watch the game.
- Great.


Just know, the longer we wait
to talk about it the weirder it gets.

Sweetie, can I just be the girl tonight?

Absolutely. You're the girl, I'm the guy.

Watch your football game
while I make you a plate here.

Thank you.


I'll get it. Go sports! Heh.


I thought you were out
with Sheldon and Amy.

I was, but it's their anniversary,
and I didn't wanna be a third wheel... I figured I'd hang out
with you and Penny on your date.

It's not really a great time.
Penny and I have some things to talk about.

No we don't, come on in!


I can't believe
I shaved my stomach for this.

Hey, Froot Loops.

You got a phone call.

Who is it?

A woman who says she's your mother
but sounds like your father.


Hey, Ma.

You know, we could see each other
if you turn on the computer.

I'm not going near that fakakta thing.

I'll catch a computer virus!

You can't catch a computer virus.

Oh, so now you're an astronaut
and a doctor?

What do you want, Ma?

Your wife says you have
something important to tell me.

Okay, here it is:

Bernadette and I
are starting a life together.

- And...
- Oh, God.

You are gonna leave me!

- Ma...
- It's okay.

Your father left me, you left me.

I guess I'm just the kind of person
people like to leave.

It's not definite. I'll talk to Bernadette.

Don't bother.

I'll just go sit in a hole in the ground
so I'm no trouble when I die.

Stop it, Ma.

I'm sure I can get Bernie to come around.

I knew it! I knew she was behind this.

You listen to me, if you wanna be a man
you can't let a woman tell you what to do.

Okay, okay.

I can't believe these people
won the Cold War.

Now, can we please change the subject?

Fine. Explain why you've been gone so long
and I haven't gotten a single letter.

Not even a lousy postcard!


You know,
I'm growing to like American football.

- Yeah, it's fun, isn't it?
- Well...'s not the balls-to-the-wall action
of badminton or cricket, but hey...

...what is?

Who's ready for another beer?

- I'm good.
- No, thank you.


I am having the nicest time.

You guys are like family to me.
You know that, right?

That's great. Get out.

- What? Why?
- Penny and I have some issues to talk about.

Oh, pish on your issues.

You guys are fine.

Yes, you've had some bumps
along the way.

I mean, Penny, you've always known
how this man has felt about you.

But you made him grovel for affection.

- Okay, hold on...
- Don't blame yourself.

He was a groveler from way back.

But the point is,
the two of you got past it.

And you go and propose to this poor girl
in the middle of sex?

That was some weak tea, dude.

Some people might say it was romantic.

Yeah, no.

But yet, here you two are still together.

Even after you and I
had our crazy naked night.

PENNY: That's enough.

I'm just saying...

...that after all you've been through... get to look into each other's eyes
and say I love you.

And that's beautiful.

Actually, to this day
she's never really said it.

Oh, Penny, that's ridiculous!

You know you love him.
Look him in the eyes and say it.

- Raj.
- You know you want to say it. Say it.

Say you love him.

Say it!

I really thought she would say it.

Have I ever told you
you're like a sexy praying mantis?

Every time you drink alcohol.

You know, what's wonderful
about the praying mantis...

...they devour their mate.

Your point being?

Dessert is served.

I just had cobbler.

You know what?

I'm done with this.

- But where are you going?
- I'm leaving.

You can't leave, I need you.

- You do?
- Yes.

You're my ride.

Sheldon... either say something meaningful
and from the heart...

...or you and I are done.

All right.




...when I look in your eyes...

...and you're looking back in mine...

...everything feels...

...not quite normal...

...because I feel...

...stronger and weaker at the same time.

I feel excited...

...and at the same time, terrified.

The truth is...

...I don't know what I feel...

...except I know what kind of man
I want to be.


That was beautiful.

I should hope so,
that's from the first Spider-Man movie.

I'll take it.

Now, I assume we're splitting the check?

- Hey, Stuart.
- Oh, hey.

I was actually just about to close.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'll leave.
- No, no, it's okay.

- Hang out.
- You sure?

Yeah, you're my first customer today.

All right, great.

I'm, uh, having a nightcap,
you wanna join me?

- What are you drinking?
- Coffee liqueur in a Chewbacca mug.

I call it a sad-tini.

Perfect for the night I'm having,
thank you.

- Mm. Nice not to drink alone.
- Amen to that.

Sometimes I pour a little chardonnay
into my dog's water bowl.

- You're kidding?
- He's kind of a mean drunk...

...but what you gonna do?

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- A little music?
- Sure.


Mm. Bossa nova.

You listen to that with your hips
as well as your ears.


Something about Latin music...

...makes me feel
like I'm on a white sand beach in Rio.


Sun, the waves, the beautiful bodies...

...tanned and glistening with sweat.

- I should go.
- Yeah.

- Uh, thank you for the drink.
- No problem.


- Hey, Stuart.
- Yeah?

You wanna hang out tomorrow night?

Maybe grab a bite to eat
or catch a late movie?

Yeah, I'd like to
but I'm a little tight on funds.

No problem, my treat.
I'll swing by after work.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I could do worse.

BERNADETTE: That's such good news, Howie.
Thank you for telling her.

Hey, I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna live with my wife.

My mother's just gonna have to learn
to make do on her own.

Was she upset?

Who can tell? She yells everything.

She might have been upset.

She might have been hungry.

Thanks for fixing it. I love you.

I love you too. Sweet dreams.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Goodnight, Rocket Man.

To infinity and beyond, baby.

Loops, you realize you just lied your ass off
to your wife and your mother.

- I know.
- What are you gonna do when you get back?

Oh, I'm never going back. Heh.

[English - US - SDH]