The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Werewolf Transformation - full transcript

Sheldon wreaks havoc when he tries to get a haircut from his regular barber, who is ill. Howard runs into a few problems with astronaut training.

I'm gonna run to the store.
I'll pick you up when you're done.

Okay. I like it a little better
when you stay, but all right.

- Hey, Sheldon.
- Hello.

I'm here for my haircut
with Mr. D'Onofrio.

I'm sorry, Uncle Tony is in the hospital.
He's pretty sick.

Oh, dear, Mr. D'Onofrio's
in the hospital.

Why do these things
always happen to me?

- I can cut it for you.
- You're not Mr. D'Onofrio.

I get my hair cut by Mr. D'Onofrio.

You believe this guy?

Excuse us for a second.

Sheldon, it's okay, he can do it.
He's a barber.

He's not a barber, he's the nephew.

An example of the nepotism...

...that runs rampant
in the barbering industry.

Besides Mr. D'Onofrio knows exactly
how I like my hair done...

...because he has all my haircut records
from my barber in Texas.

What are you talking about?

When I first moved here, I was nervous
about finding a new barber... my mother had all my haircut
records sent here to Mr. D'Onofrio.

There's no such thing
as haircut records.

- Yes, there are.
- Have you ever seen them?

No, but my mother assured me
they were sent here...

...and I'll bet you dollars to donuts
that this one doesn't have them.

Excuse me.

Do you have access
to my haircut records?

Your what?

To paraphrase T.S. Eliot,
this is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a nephew.

Sheldon, you're a grown man,
he's a professional...

...and your haircut is number three
on that poster from 1946.

- Just sit down and let him do it.
- Fine.

But if I come out of this
looking like a dork, it's on you.

- So my kid said the funniest thing today.
- Nope.

When you tell this story later,
the word we usually use is "quirky."

- Can you pass the Parmesan cheese?
- Sure.


- What are you doing?
- I'm trying to get the hair out of my eyes.

Sheldon, you are one day late
for your haircut.

Thank you
for captioning my nightmare.

- Lookie here, I got my travel orders.
- Hmm.

"Payload Specialist Howard Wolowitz
is requested to report... the NASA Johnson Space Center,
Houston, Texas...

...for astronaut training
Monday 8 a.m."

Yeah, but it's from NASA,
so it's 0800.

But it says 8 a.m.

- You read it as 0800.
- Lt doesn't have an O in front of it.

It does have an O in front of it.

Oh, my God, I'm an astronaut,
and you're dying of jealousy.

So, what kind of things are they...?
Will you stop that?

I can't help it,
I feel like a teen heartthrob.

Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair.
I could do it.

Penny, I know you mean well,
offering the skills of the hill folk...

...but here in town,
we don't churn our own butter...

...we don't make dresses
out of gunny sacks...

...and we sure as shooting
don't get our hair cut by bottle-blond...

Sheldon, be nice.

I'm sorry, it's the bad-boy attitude
that comes with this hair.

You could go to my guy.
He's at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills.

They bring you a cup of tea,
massage your scalp.

It's $200 but sometimes
you look in the next chair...

...and you see a superstar
like Tony Danza.

Quick question here, have we actually
changed the conversation...

...from "I'm going to astronaut training"
to "Sheldon can't get a haircut"?

Now who's dying of jealousy?
"Oh," it's you.

I'm a cowboy

On a steel horse
I ride

I'm wanted

Dead or alive

Sheldon, you're ruining
girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.

I'm sorry. I'm looking for a barber
and I'm running out of time.

My hair is growing... the rate of 4.6 yoctometers
per femtosecond.

If you're quiet, you can hear it.

- What about Supercuts?
- No, I tried once.

They do men's and women's hair
in the same room at the same time.

It's like Sodom and Gomorrah
with mousse.

Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't
you just let your hair grow out a little?

Why don't I let my hair grow out?

Why don't I start wearing

...and seeking validation of my opinions
by asking, "Can you dig it?"

I don't know. I think
you might look sexy with long hair.

With the kind
that flows down to your shoulders...

...and blows back
while riding on a horse.

Bareback and bare-chested.

I'm gonna go brush my teeth,
it might take a while.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetie.

- I miss you.
- I miss you too.

So tell me all about your first day.

Oh, wow, where do I even start?
I got to experience zero gravity.

- Cool. How do they do that?
- Lt's pretty neat.

You get in this plane that goes
almost straight up for like 20 seconds...

...and then straight back down
like it's gonna crash...

...and they do it over and over again,
no matter how many times you throw up.

- You threw up?
- Yeah. And the craziest part is...

...because there's no gravity,
the throw-up kind of floats there.

In a little ball,
and if your mouth is open...

...because you're screaming...

...sometimes it just floats right back in.

Boy, does everyone laugh at you
when that happens.

- That sounds mean.
- No.

I would have laughed too...

...but I didn't want
the vomit to come back out.


Heh. Anyway...

Oh, could you do me a favor...

...and overnight me
some more underwear?

- Sure, why?
- I got a look at the centrifuge...

...they're gonna
spin me around in tomorrow...

...and I have a hunch
I packed a little light.

Mr. D'Onofrio?

It's me, Sheldon.

They didn't have anything
barber-themed in the gift shop... I got you this.

Don't know if you can read his little
T-shirt. It says, "Get well beary soon."

Trust me, if you were even a little
conscious right now, you'd be laughing.



There's new studies that show...

...people in comas are aware
of everything going on around them.

With that in mind, if you can hear me...

...move away from the light
and toward the sound of these scissors.

- Can I help you?
- Yes.

Do you have something
I could use as a cape?

Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills,
slip out of the ninth floor...

...and go on a little adventure?

Oh, no, I'm just here
to get my hair cut.


I see. Just wait here one moment.


I gotta run. But not with scissors.
That would be unsafe.

So if I move my horsey here...

...isn't that checkmate and I win?


Oh... Is it or isn't it?

You know, I think
this is a good stopping point.

It's your first real game.
I threw a lot of information at you.

No, your king is trapped.

He can't go here
because of my lighthouse...


...he can't go here
because of my pointy-head guy.

Like I said, complicated game.

- So did I win or not?
- Did you have fun?

Because if you had fun,
then you are a winner.

That's what chess is all about.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.

Why? My spot, your spot.
What difference does it make?

- Okay, what just happened?
- I don't know.

Between you playing chess
like Bobby Fischer...

...and Sheldon being okay
with you in his spot...

...I'm guessing
someone went back in time...

...stepped on a bug,
and changed the course of human events.

- Sweetie, are you all right?
- No, I'm not all right.

It's been six days
since I was supposed to get a haircut...

...and nothing horrible has happened.

Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.

- Leonard, explain it to her.
- Oh, uh, he's crazy.

I have spent my whole life
trying to bring order to the universe... carefully planning
every moment of every day.

But all my efforts, our dinner schedule,
my pajama rotation... bowel movement spreadsheet...

it's clear now,
I've been wasting my time.

Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart
off the fridge.

You know...

...sometimes it's nice
not knowing what's coming.

Look at me and Leonard.

We went out, broke up,
trying again.

We don't know what's gonna happen.

Oh, please, everyone knows
what's going to happen.

But I see your point.

I think this could be good for you.

Maybe it's time for you
to shake things up a bit.

You're right.

I should embrace the chaos.

- Great. What are you gonna do first?
- I don't know.

I could do anything. All bets are off.

The world is my oyster.

I got it.

I'm gonna put on
my Tuesday pajamas tonight.

I got to tell you,
I'm a little worried about him.

If I were you, I'd be worried...

...that a girl who's never played chess
in her life just kicked your ass.


Howie, what happened to you?

We did overnight survival training
in the wilderness.

Big fun. Big, big fun.

I was gonna freshen up for you...

...but I blacked out a little
on the way to the bathroom.

Survival training?
Is that like camping?

Uh-huh. Except you don't have food
or water...

...and they don't have
a sunset Sabbath service... they do at Camp Hess Kramer.

- Do you sleep in tents?
- No.

I slept in a hole I dug in the ground
with my bare hands.

And at some point during the night,
an armadillo crawled in...

...and spooned me.

- Poor baby.
- But I did it. I survived.

I wasn't sure
I was going to when the sandstorm hit.

I just pulled my turtleneck up
over my head and waited for death.

But somehow as I sat there...

...wrapped in a cocoon
of my own neck-sweat...

...I found that primal part
of the human spirit...

...that just wants to keep on living,
heh-heh, no matter what the cost.

You're so brave. I'm proud of you.

I ate a butterfly.

It was so small...


...but I was so hungry.

- Are you crying?
- No, I don't think it's possible.

I'm severely dehydrated.

My pee is like toothpaste.

Howie, if you're not able to do this,
come home.

It won't change how I feel about you.

Thanks, honey, but I can't quit.

If I do, I'd just be a guy...

...who had a chance to be an astronaut
and gave it up.

Is there anything I could do to help?


Wait. Send more underwear.


Don't let this be
Sheldon playing bongos.

Please, don't let this be
Sheldon playing bongos.

[SINGING] Hello, Leonard,
Do you like my bongos?

Bet you didn't know that I had bongos

Sheldon, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Three in the morning
Is a good time for bongos

I was sleeping.

Leonard sleeps while I play bongos

No, he doesn't.

Leonard no sleep while I play bongos

Bongo solo.

Stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop.

Stop it.

- What the hell?
- Oh, hi, Penny, guess what?

Sheldon got bongos.

- Why did you get bongos?
- Richard Feynman played the bongos.

I thought I'd try.

Feynman was a famous physicist.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I don't care if Richard Feynman was a
purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.

[SINGING] Penny meant
If he were a purple leprechaun

Penny forgot to use the subjunctive

Sheldon, go to bed.
You have work in the morning.

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow
I start a bongo band and tour the world.

No, hang on. Roommate Agreement.

No hootenannies, sing-a-longs,
or barbershop quartets after 10 p.m.

Roommate Agreement?
Are you kidding?

We are living in a world of chaos.

Roommate Agreement.

- Where are you going?
- Wherever the music takes me, kitten.

I play bongos walking down the stairs

Oh! Oh!

Never play bongos
Walking down the stairs


- Surprise.
- What are you doing here?

Here to help you get through this.

Can't do it on your own,
you need someone to take care of you.

- Oh. I love you so much.
- Oh, and I love you.

Howard, your bath is getting cold.

Don't worry, once she falls asleep,
I'll spoon you like an armadillo. Heh.

He showed up in the middle of the night
with his bongos.

I foolishly thought
it was some sort of musical booty call.

Poor guy.
He must have been exhausted.

[SINGING] Sheldon like to sleep
While Leonard play the bongo

- That was kind of uncalled for.
- No, it was called for.

What's going on?

Sheldon, this craziness has gone
on long enough.

Please come home
so I can cut your hair.

Penny, you're not trained.
You're not licensed.

And most importantly, you don't have
access to my haircut records.

All right, honey, look...

...we've known each other
for a long time now, right?

I've taken you to Disneyland,
I kicked a bully in the nuts for you.

I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick,
you've even seen me naked once.

I'm sorry, what?

It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon,
I promise I know what I'm doing.

Please let me cut your hair.

Amy, what do you think?

There's not a hair on my body
I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Fine, let's go.

Thank you for letting me sleep
on your couch.

There's only so many times a woman
can say, "How about the bed?"

LEONARD: What's this about
Sheldon seeing you naked?

Oh, relax.
It was just her bottom and her breasts.

Almost done.

At the end of the haircut,
Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.

Oh, sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.

That's okay,
I never understood them anyway.

Okay, what do you think?

Hmm. Well, it's a little Hollywood.

But I think I can pull it off.
Well done, Penny.

Told you. I'm just gonna
clean up your neck a little...

- ...and then you are good to go.
- Fun time.



sometimes the clippers tickle me.



Okay, yep, we're all done now.
Lt's... it's good.

Let me just take that away from you.

- Thank you very much.
- You are welcome.


Yeah, I'm gonna have to move. Ahem.

[English - US - SDH]