The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Rothman Disintegration - full transcript

Sheldon battles Kripke for a coveted office at the university. Penny receives a very unusual gift from Amy.

- It was a nice retirement party.
- I guess.

Still, it's a shame Professor Rothman
was forced to step down.

Well, what choice
did the university have? He snapped.

It happens to theoretical physicists
all the time.

I wonder how long Sheldon's got.

These shrimp are all the same size.

There's no logical order
to eat them in.

Can't be very long.

Hey, look,
there's Rothman's empty office.

- Sad.
- Yeah.

- Indeed.
- So sad.


What's up, fellas?

What are you doing here, Kripke?

Measuring my new office for drapes.

This is not your office.
It hasn't been assigned yet.

I called dibs at Christmas when
Rothman tried to have intercourse...

...with the Toys for Tots
collection box.

Dibs? I mean, this is a university,
not a playground.

Offices are not assigned
because someone called dibs.

- You just called dibs.
- Shut it.

Offices are assigned by seniority.
I arrived at the university first.

I arrived at the office first.
I'm the proverbial early bird.

- Gentlemen.
- Mr. Rothman.

- Professor Rothman.
- Professor Rothman.

Good evening.

LEONARD: Good evening.
- See you.

I'm glad
that men are wearing hats again.

They're so distinguished.

- I got you a little something.
- A little something?

Oh, it...

What? This is huge.

What's huge is what you've done
for me.

Oh, no, Amy, I haven't done anything.

No, no. Before I met you,
I was a mousy wallflower.

But look at me now.

I'm like some kind
of downtown hipster party girl...

...with a posse, a boyfriend...

...and a new lace bra
that hooks in the front, of all things.

- Open it, open it.
- Okay.

I wanted to get you something
you didn't have.

Wow. I don't know what to s... Wow.

- Do you like it?
- Do I like it? Wow.

So where you gonna hang it?

Oh, my Go... Hang it. Wow. Um...

You know, I'd have to get a hook
and nails and a hammer, and...

- No problem.
- Oh, look.

You've got... You just...
You got it all right there. Wow.

I found him. He's in the bathroom.

- President Seibert?
- Can't this wait?

I'm sorry, we just need a word.

Now? You realize I'm your boss
and I am holding my penis.

Sheldon, give the man some privacy.

I'm sorry, this guy's got no respect
for boundaries.

What do you want?

Will you tell this lunatic
that Rothman's office is mine?

Take this up with your
department chairman.

His assistant said
he was on sabbatical.

Although, we distinctly heard
his office window open and shut.

Gentlemen, there's a task
I'm trying to accomplish here...

- ...and I'm having trouble doing it.
- Oh, my.

President Seibert,
I don't mean to be an alarmist...

...but difficulty initiating
a urine stream...

...could be a symptom
of benign prostatic hyperplasia.

If you're interested, I can send you a link
to a YouTube video...

...that'll show you
how to perform your own rectal exam.

Yeah, helpful hint:
Trim your nails first.

Ignore him, President Seibert.

I'm sure a young man such as yourself
has a perfectly healthy prostate.

Oh, he's just trying to butter you up.

And for the record, butter is an excellent
lubricant for your rectal exam.

Gentlemen, I'm going to allow you
to work this out...

...because, A,
you're brilliant scientists...

...and, B,
as far as who gets Rothman's office...

...I couldn't give the furry crack
of a rat's behind.

Well, as long as we're here,
I might as well take a leak.

- Kripke?
- Yes?

You're in my spot.


That is big.

So big.

- And ugly.
- So ugly.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know. You can't take it down.
You'll break her heart.

Look at that face.

That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.

Any chance I'll learn to love it?

That depends, do you like pictures
of yourself where you look like a man?

- All right. It's gotta go.
- What will you tell Amy?

How about I tell her the painting makes
you feel jealous because you're not in it?

Oh, nuh-uh. What if she gets me one?

I already have a picture of
me and Howard's mom...

...getting our hair cornrowed
in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough.

I could take it down and put it up when
she comes over, but it's kind of heavy.

Too bad you're not as strong
as the dude in the painting.

Would you look at this?

I paid $25 to some kid on eBay
for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand.

He sent me a stick.

He went into his backyard,
he picked up a stick.

It's numbered. Heh.

Ooh. Limited edition. Nice.


- Oh, that'll be Kripke.
- What's he doing here?

We're going to work
this office situation out like gentlemen.

And if that doesn't work,
I'm going to poison his tea.

- Cooper.
- Kripke. Come in.

I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?

Am I wearing a summer frock?
No, I don't want tea.

Let's get down to brass tacks.

Fine. In the interest
of preserving our friendship...

- We're not friends.
- Well...

...that's a little hard to hear,
but all right.

As you know, the essence of diplomacy
is compromise.

With that in mind,
I propose the following.

I will take Rothman's office...

...and you will find a way
to be okay with that.

How about I take Rothman's office
and you go suck a lemon?


You sure I can't get you
that cup of tea?

How about you decide this with
Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock?

What the frig is that?

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock...

...was created by Internet pioneer
Sam Kass... an improvement
on the game Rock, Paper, Scissors.

All hail Sam Kass.


How does it work?

Oh, it's very simple.

Scissors cuts paper,
paper covers rock...

...rock crushes lizard,
lizard poisons Spock...

...Spock smashes scissors,
scissors decapitates lizard...

...lizard eats paper,
paper disproves Spock...

...Spock vaporizes rock...

...and, as it always has,
rock crushes scissors.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

Well, of course.
Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...

...rock crushes lizard,
lizard poisons Spock...

...Spock smashes scissors,
scissors decapitates lizard...

...lizard eats paper,
paper disproves Spock...

...Spock vaporizes rock...

...and, as it always has,
rock crushes scissors.

Almost got it. One more time.

Scissors cuts paper,
paper covers rock...

Sheldon, stop.
He's screwing with you.

Is he?

Well, then,
seems we have reached an impasse.

I see no other option
than to challenge you to a duel.

I'd smack you with a glove, but just last
week, I packed away my winter things.

It's the 21st century,
you can't have a duel.

Hang on, Howard.

Barry, how good of a shot are you?

Not pistols. Minds.

A trivia contest.
And you may choose the field of battle.

Star Trek trivia,
Star Trek: Next Generation trivia...

...Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia,
Star Trek: Voyagertrivia...

...or model trains.

You have an advantage in trivia.
You have an eidetic memory.

Plus, I haven't watched Star Trek...

...since I discovered the strip club
near my apartment has a free buffet.

It's hard to find something
you're both equally good at.

Is there anything
you're equally bad at?

- Sports.
- Sports.

All right, this is one-on-one,
first to five wins the office.

Any questions? Yes, Sheldon.

Five what?

Balls in the basket.



That's out, right?

Time. Ran out of room.

You know those terrible things
bullies used to do to us?

- Yeah?
- I get it.



- He did that on purpose.
- No, he didn't.

Nothing that's happening here
is being done on purpose.

Okay, forget one-on-one.
Let's try a free-throw contest.

First person who makes a basket
wins the office.

- Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.
- Nope. No, I'm not.

Use the Force, Sheldon.
Use the Force.

I'm gonna need more Force.

All right, Cooper.
Prepare to have your heart broken.


Do I get points for that?



All right, we gave it 45 minutes.

It's no longer funny.
Let's try something else.

What do you propose?

Uh... On three, both of you
bounce the balls as hard as you can.

Highest bounce wins the office.

Oh, you are going down, Cooper.

I don't think so, Kripke.

I've bounced many a rubber ball
in my day.

All right. That's enough trash talk.

One, two, three.

Sheldon was higher.

Congratulations, Sheldon,
you win the office.

Who's unsatisfactory in PE now?

We go together

Like rama lama lama
Ke ding a de dinga a dong

Oh, what a great movie.

I cannot believe
you've never seen Grease.

My mother didn't allow me
to watch it.

She was afraid it might encourage me
to join a gang.

I gotta go. I gotta get up early.

My company's testing a new steroid
that doesn't shrink testicles...

...and the last one there
has to do the measuring.

Guess I should get going too.

Good night, painting Penny.

Good night, real Penny.

Good night, real Amy.

You don't have to say good night
to painting Amy, she's never leaving.

- Good night, real Penny.
- Bye.

Good night, transvestite Penny.



Okay, let us take you off the wall.


Out of sight, out of mind.

I wish.

Can I borrow that movie?

Those singing hooligans
really got my motor running.

Sure, sure. Enjoy.

You get it back to me
when you can or...

You keep it.
It's just gonna be my gift to you.

Thank you. Wait...
Where'd the painting go?

- It's right over there.
- Why?

I have no idea. That is weird.

You hate it.

- No, no, no. It's just... it's a little big.
- I feel like an idiot.

You're not an idiot.
Just help me put it back up.

So you can just take it down
when I leave?

- I don't need your pity.
- Oh, Amy, come on.

I'm just glad
I didn't go for the sculpture.

Ahh. The spoils.

I see why victors love them.

I'm happy for you, Sheldon,
but I have to admit...

...I'm going to miss
sharing an office with you.

Oh, of course you are.

Well, feel free to drop by any time.

- Thank you.
- Yeah. Call first.

Oh, hello.

Professor Rothman.

This isn't your office anymore.
You're retired.

I think the word you're looking for
is "invisible."

I came to say I'm sorry.

- Don't bother.
- Oh, Amy, please.

I'm so humiliated. I sat there the whole
time we were watching Grease...

- ...thinking you liked the painting.
- I know.

I was a fool from "summer loving"... the last "rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong."

You're absolutely right.

I should have been honest
and told you the gift was too much.

Yes, too much. Because our friendship
is fundamentally asymmetrical.

I clearly like you
more than you like me.

I don't think you put a number
on how much one person likes another.

I bought you a painting
that's 12 square feet in area.

There's a number.

Amy, come...

if you don't like feet, you can try dollars.
The painting set me back 3 grand.

Three gr...? Oh, my God.

Look, Amy, all you need to know
is you are my friend.

I don't wanna lose you out of my life.

I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble
believing you right now.

- Grab your hammer.
- No, damage is done.

Okay, look, I didn't wanna say this...

...but the real reason
I took the painting down...

...was because it made Bernadette
very jealous.

Oh, my goodness.

How could I have not seen that?

The painting is a constant reminder
that of the three of us...

...she is the least cool.

Yeah, that's what it is, so...

- You have such a good heart.
- Oh. I try.

- Come on.
- Well, where are we going?

We're gonna put this back up.

What about Bernadette?

Oh, screw her. She's just lucky
we let her hang out with us.


What are you doing?

I'm trying to raise the temperature
in here...

...before my nipples
tear through my shirt.

Why don't you
just turn up the thermostat?

Aha. Good question.

It turns out that the thermostat
for my new office isn't in my new office.

No, it's next door
in Professor Davenport's office...

...who is currently enjoying the hot
flashes associated with menopause.

Why is there a hole here?

Why is there a hole in my new office?

I've narrowed it down
to two possibilities.

There was something in the wall
that someone outside the wall wanted.

Or the more disturbing...

...there was something in the wall
that wanted out.

At least you got a window that opens.
That's nice.

Oh. Is it? Listen.


- What, you don't like wind chimes?
- No, I hate them, but it gets worse.


- There it is.
- The bird?

Yeah, it's completely out of tune
with the wind chimes.

- So?
- You don't get it, do you?

That's a mockingbird.
Mockingbirds can change their song...

...which means
he's out of tune on purpose.

He's mocking me.


Oh, dear, there it is again.
Do you feel it?

The growing realization
that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.

No. The vibration.

We are directly
underneath the geology lab...

...and they're running
their sieve shakers again.

Hey, gravel monkeys,
you need to shake rocks?

Try jiggling your heads around!

- Sheldon, relax.
- How can I relax?

My nervous system is being
stretched out like the strings of a harp...

...and plucked by holes
and birds and wind...

...and the low-hanging scrotum of the
difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

If you're not happy,
just let Kripke have the office.

Wait, and let him win?
Do I look crazy to you?

We're trying to think down here,
you geode-loving feldspar jockeys!

And you,
the notes are C, D, E, G and A.

You pick one
or I'm chopping down that tree!

- How's that?
- Little higher on the right.

- Now?
- Little more.

No. That's got it.

Yeah, okay. That's good.

- I'll let you in on a little secret.
- Mm.

Originally, we were painted nude.

But I had him add clothes because
it was an unnecessary challenge... our heterosexuality.

Yeah, good call.

If you change your mind, all it
would take is some warm soapy water...

...and a couple of sponges.

- You're talking about the painting, right?
- Sure.

Help! Somebody, help!

What happened?

I was trying to see what was in here
and my head got stuck.

Why would you do that?

It's called scientific curiosity.

Now go get butter.

Okay, okay. Hang in there.
I'll be right back.

[English - US - SDH]