The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Apology Insufficiency - full transcript

An FBI agent interviews the guys when Howard needs to obtain a security clearance.

No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out
my problem with women.

The capybara is the largest member
of the rodent family.

What does that have to do
with me and women?

Nothing, it was a desperate attempt... introduce
an alternate topic of conversation.

My problem
is I don't project confidence.

So I decided that the next time I meet
a woman I think is attractive...

...rather than holding back
and being cautious...

...I'll assume
the mantle of self-assurance.

Oh, yeah? What does that look like?


I'm Leonard.

And you are beautiful.

You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.

I'm gonna pick you up at 8,
show you a night you will never forget.

Where are we going?

Good news, I made it onto the team
for the new Defense Department...

...laser-equipped surveillance satellite.
- Excuse me.

If we're changing topics, I believe
I have first dibs with capybara...

...a rodent the size of a baby hippo.

- Congratulations, Howard.
HOWARD: Thanks.

I have to get a security clearance... you guys might be hearing
from the FBI.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to speak to the FBI.

- Why not?
- I'm brown and I talk funny.

They're just doing
a background check on me.

It doesn't matter, they'll find a reason to
give me a one-way ticket to Gandhiville.

By the way, when I say that,
it's not offensive.

Don't be ridiculous, Raj.

- You're here legally.
- Nobody cares.

You know how long it's been
since I got through airport security...

...without being given a colonoscopy?

You know, I try very hard to make our
lunch hours educational and informative.

But your insistence on talking about
your own lives stymies me at every turn.

Fine, Sheldon,
tell us about your giant rodents.

No. You squandered your time with me
and the moment has now passed.

Feast on your disappointment...

...much as the capybara
feasts on its own waste.

Oh, Bella, don't you see?

Edward's only pushing you away
because he loves you.




Dr. Koothrappali?

I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.
May I come in?

I'd like to talk to you
about Howard Wolowitz.

Ah, thank you.

All right. Well, how long have you known
Mr. Wolowitz?

- Rum cake?
- No, thanks.

Now, about Mr. Wolowitz.

Seven years.

I see.

I'm in this country legally, you know.

I'm sure you are.

Now, to your knowledge...

...has Mr. Wolowitz
ever committed a crime?

Of course not.

I'm here on an H1 B visa...

...which means I can't be associated
with crime or criminal activity...

...and I'm not.


To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz
have any foreign contacts?

No, just me.

Oh, there it is.

Here comes the cavity search.

- Excuse me?
- Please don't send me back to India.

It's so crowded. It's like the whole
country is one endless Comic-Con...

...except everybody's wearing
the same costume: Indian Guy.

- Dr. Koothrappali...
- I love this country.

The baseball, the freedom,
the rampant morbid obesity.

From California to the New York island,
I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy.

Dr. Koothrappali, please.

My country 'tis of thee

Da-da-da liberty

It's really great

So when Howard said
the FBI would be contacting me...

...I was expecting Mulder.

Glad to see I got Scully, ha, ha.

- Who?
- Mulder and Scully.


"The truth is out there." Never mind.

Uh, so, what would you like to know?

You work with Mr. Wolowitz
here at the university, correct?

Yes. Of course,
we're in different departments.

He's an engineer
and I'm an experimental physicist.

You know, one of those guys
who examines...

...the building blocks of creation
and says:

"Hello, maker of the universe.

I see what you did there.

Good one."


Now, how would you characterize
your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz?


It's a good relationship.

Of course, most of my relationships
are good, you know.

Probably because I exude confidence.

People are drawn to that, you know?


Confidence, not exuding.

Do you know of any groups
Mr. Wolowitz is a member of?

You are beautiful, you know that?

You pop, sparkle and buzz electric.

I'm gonna pick you up at 8.

Show you a night
you will never forget.

Sounds great.



Can my 6'2" Navy SEAL husband
come with us?

Is that...? Oh, my, I didn't see the ring
with my glasses off so...

Look at that, I'm starting to exude.



LEONARD: Wanna get that?
- Not particularly.

- Could you get that?
- I suppose I could if I were asked.


- Would you please get that?
- Well, of course.

Why do you have to make things
so complicated?

- Dr. Cooper?
- Yes.

I'm Special Agent Page, FBI.

You say you're Special Agent Page,

Here's my ID.

And here is my Justice League
membership card.

But that doesn't prove
I know Batman.

I just wanna ask you a few questions
about Howard Wolowitz.

Oh. Well, all right.

I doubt anyone would risk
the stiff penalties...

...for impersonating a federal officer
just to ask questions...

...about a minor league engineer
with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

- Thank you.
- For the record, I truly support the FBI... the mission
which is expressed through their motto.

Fidelity, bravery, integrity?

Correct. Now to business.

Eighteen years ago,
I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples...

...from a bag of excrement that had
been lit on fire on my front porch...

...for fingerprinting and DNA analysis.

Why haven't I heard back yet?

Well, the FBI Crime Lab
does have a lot on its plate.

That's of little comfort to a nation
attempting to scrape burning feces... its shoes.

Would you mind
if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?

A little, but go on.

Thank you.

Would you characterize him
as responsible?

I'm going to answer that
with a visual aid.

This is my nine-disc complete
Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set.

Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it...

...damaged plastic retention
hub number three...

...and then returned it to me
hoping I wouldn't notice.

Would you characterize that
as responsible?

That's really not the sort of thing
we're interested in.

- You heard me say Blu-ray, right?
- I did.

Very well,
would you be interested in knowing...

...that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck
onto my "World of Warcraft" account...

...and changed the name
of a certain level-80 warlock...

...from "Sheldor" to "Smeldor"?

I'm afraid not. Is there anything else?

Anything else?
Where would you like to start?

He refuses to pay fines when
he's overdue with books I lend him...

...he crashed the Mars Rover
while attempting to impress a woman.

He recommended that I go see
the third Matrix movie...

...because it was, and I quote,
"Just as good as the first one."

If that's not irresponsible,
I don't know what is.

The Mars Rover?

- Did I say Mars Rover?
- You did.

That was actually
a poorly-chosen example... it had nothing to do with me.

- Yes, well, let's talk about it anyway.
- I don't want to.

Not that my disinclination
to discuss the topic...

...should be interpreted as evidence
of Howard Wolowitz's culpability... the destruction of government
property worth millions of dollars.

Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
I think I have all I need.

Oh, good.

I was afraid you were going to fixate
on that Mars Rover incident.

Hey, buddies.

Guess who didn't get security clearance
to work on the giant space laser?

- What happened?
- The background interviews didn't go well.

You guys wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?

Well, actually, I may have gotten
a little tipsy when I talked to her.

And I may have hit on her a little bit.


And I may have thrown up rum cake
on her shoes.

I see. Well, it's good to know
when I need you guys...

...I can always count on you
to step up and ruin everything.

- I feel awful.
- Me too.

I thought if anyone was gonna
screw things up for Howard...'d be Sheldon.

Well, your expectations
have been subverted.

Ha, ha.

What are you doing up?

Sleep eludes me, Leonard.


Maybe sleep has met you before.

Mockery? That's all you have to offer?

- I'm sorry. Why can't you sleep?
- Who knows?

I haven't watched
any scary movies recently.

I'm no longer obsessing
over why the predicted mass...

...of the quantum vacuum has little
effect on the expansion of the universe.

And it's been weeks since I took
that accidental sip of Red Bull.

Did something happen today
that's bothering you?

Well, I did mention the Mars Rover
incident to that FBI agent...

...and probably cost Howard
his security clearance.

- What?
- Yeah, but why should that keep me up?

Because you feel guilty?


So you're saying my insomnia
is caused by a guilty conscience.

Actually, you don't have insomnia.
You're sleeping now.

- Excuse me?
- You're having a guilt-ridden dream.

Do you have any evidence
to support that hypothesis?

How about that Gorn
sitting on the couch?

That seems fairly conclusive.

No, Gorn, no.

That's where I sit.

Thank you for agreeing to see me,
Agent Page.

Thank you for filing a complaint
with my superior, Dr. Cooper.

I understand you wanna recant
your statement about Howard Wolowitz.

- Yes.
- Was your statement untrue?


Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it.

I'm sorry,
I don't recall you saying no backsies.

Is there anything else?

Yes, I'd like to offer
a laudatory statement...

...about Howard's many excellent
qualities I believe will tip the scales...

...back in his favor. Ahem.
"Howard Joel Wolowitz.

H is for honesty,
of which he has much.

O is for outstanding, which he is such.

W is for witty, he's quick with a joke.

A is for artistic, his ability..."

I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper,
this matter is already closed.

But I still have "ard Joel Wolowitz"
left to go.

It's closed.

I don't understand why you people
are picking on my friend Howard...

...when there are much more serious
security threats to pursue.

For instance,
when I first met Leonard...

...he was on the verge of giving away
rocket secrets to a North Korean spy...

...and not one agent
ever investigated that.

This is Leonard Hofstadter?

No, it's a different Leonard.
He's Chinese, red hair, six fingers.


Raj, have you seen Howard?

I think he's eating lunch.

Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet
Neil DeGrasse Tyson...

...from the Hayden Planetarium
in New York.

I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson.

He's responsible for the demotion
of Pluto from planetary status.

I liked Pluto...

...ergo, I do not like you.
- But I actually didn't demote Pluto.

That was a vote of
the International Astronomical Union.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts,
we'd all have a merry Christmas.

Think about that, Dr. Tyson.

That the guy you
were telling me about?

Oh, yeah.

Howard, the person at fault for you
not getting a security clearance is me.

- You?
- Yes, but before you get upset...

...I want you to know I went to the FBI
and retracted my statement.

And they were okay with that?

No. If anything, I made it worse.

In any case,
I have been riddled with guilt...

...which is causing
Gorn-infested REM sleep.

- So I'm here now to say I'm sorry.
- Are you kidding me?

You've set my career back
at least two years...

...and you think you can make it right
with "I'm sorry"?


I followed the social protocol.

I attempted to right the wrong
and when I failed...

...I delivered a heartfelt apology.
Now, you say "apology accepted"...

...and I will offer you
a one-time-only high five.

Your apology is not accepted.

You're tricking me. It really is, isn't it?

Leave me alone, Sheldon.

Dr. Cooper,
I just wanted you to know...

...I?m sorry for the role I played
in the Pluto matter.

Oh, shut up.

- Sheldon?
- Hello.


What are you doing here?

I have troubles, Penny.


I've come to pour them out to
the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

You know, they have a really nice bar
over at the Olive Garden.

I don't like the Olive Garden.
They treat me like family.

- Okay, Sheldon, what can I get you?
- Alcohol.

- Could you be a little more specific?
- Ethyl alcohol.

Forty milliliters.

I'm sorry, honey,
I don't know milliliters.

Ah. Blame President James Jimmy Carter.

He started America on a path
to the metric system but then just gave up.


He wonders
why he was a one-term president.

- Would you say that's 40 milliliters?
- More or less.


Now where were we?

I believe you were about to ask me
to choose a cocktail.

thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics...

...there's an app for that.

Let's see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh.

Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so.

Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter.


- I'll have a Rosewater Rickey.
- A what?

"You'll need pitted,
brandied cherries, gin...

...rosewater, Angostura bitters
and over-proofed rum.

Now first,
dust the cherries with sugar...

...then spray them
with a mixture of rum and bitters.

- Then ignite the rum..."
- Here you go, one Rosewater Rickey.

That's not how it looks in the picture.

Oh, yeah,
every bartender makes it differently.

- Why don't you give it a try?
- All right.

To the metric system.

I can't taste the cherries.

All right, Sheldon,
what's on your mind?

I wronged Howard
and he won't accept my apology.

Oh, right, that.

Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey.

you face failure on a daily basis.

- How do you cope?
- I drink.

To drinking.


If only there were some way to
force Howard to accept my apology... I could escape
this miasma of guilt.

Sometimes just stuff happens
and there's nothing you can do about it.

For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked
to me since 11th grade.

No matter how much you apologize... can't go back
and undry-hump someone's boyfriend.

I see.

You're saying I'm facing
Starfleet Academy's...

...unwinnable command scenario:
The Kobayashi Maru.

Exactly. Sometimes you can't win.

Captain Kirk won.

Kirk cheated.

Impressive that you know that.

Hard to believe I'm actually having
this conversation with you.

Right there with you.

Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru
by reprogramming the simulator.

- That's it.
- What?

I'll reprogram Howard.

Sheldon, you can't reprogram people.

No, you can't reprogram people.

To James Tiberius Kirk.

- Hello, all.

Howard, you're feeling better
about me today, aren't you?

- Not really.
- Yes, you are.

I'm using neuro-linguistic programming
to modify your thought patterns.

Go away, Sheldon.

There's a 9.95 eBook
down the drain.

- What's in the bag?
- It's for Howard.

No, Sheldon,
you can't fix this with gifts.

Nevertheless, I've hurt you
and whether you forgive me or not...

...I want you to have this.

You're giving me a couch cushion?

No. The cushion is merely symbolic.

I'm giving you my spot on the couch.

But you love that spot.

No, I love my mother.

My feelings for my spot
are much greater.

It is the singular location in space around
which revolves my entire universe.

And now it's yours.

Oh, my God, dude,
now you have to forgive him.

All right. Uh, apology accepted.

High five.

Not too hard.

Thank you.

I haven't cried like this
since Toy Story 3.

I gotta tell you, Sheldon,
I understand why you chose this spot.

I mean, the temperature's good,
but there's no draft.

I can see the television,
but I can still talk to...

I changed my mind.
Get out of my spot.

- How long?
- Ninety-four seconds.