The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Irish Pub Formulation - full transcript

Leonard tries to keep everyone from finding out that he spent the night with Raj's sister, but Sheldon finds out and concocts an elaborate story to help him keep the secret from Raj.


- Problem?
- This is the worst cobbler I've eaten.

It tastes like it's made of actual
ground-up shoe maker.

A play on the two meanings of cobbler.


Hey, guys. Guess who I found at LAX:
My baby sister Priya.

Excuse me, I object.

You propose a guessing game,
yet you don't give me time to guess.

For the record,
I was going to say, "Your sister Priya."

Oh, Sheldon, you haven't
changed a bit, have you?

Why would I change?

The hope has been that you'd
eventually bend to public opinion.

So, what brings you back to L. A?

I have a layover on my way to Toronto.

- Corporate merger.
- Can you believe it?

Priya is a lead attorney
for the biggest car company in India.

Given that when we met her,
she was finishing law school...

...and planning an internship
at a large Indian car company...'s actually extremely plausible.

And your poll numbers
just keep dropping.

I want to catch up with all of you,
but first I really must visit the loo.

Ah, I'm going too.
I'll show you where it is.


This goes without saying,
but I'm gonna anyway.

Hands off my sister.

Why would I touch her?
She's covered with airplane germs.

I am so not talking to you,
I'm talking to him.

Hey, heh, I've got a girlfriend now.

Oh, please. My sister is much hotter
than your girlfriend, and you know it.

Let's agree they're both hot.

What...? Dude, that's my sister
you're talking about.

Okay, forget who's hotter.
The first time Priya came to L. A...

...Leonard and I made a pact out of
respect to our friendship and to you...

...that neither of us would hit on her.

Did you pinkie swear?


Okay, then.

Cobbler. I'm still laughing.


It's really nice to see you again,

Yeah, it's good to see you too.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.


Whoa, whoa, whoa.


You got any special plans
with your sister?

Oh, not really. Just hang out.

I always tell people if you have
only one day in Los Angeles...

...make it a train day.

"Train day"?

The fun starts with brunch
at Carney's in Studio City...

...a hot dog stand
in a converted railroad dining car.

Next stop, Travel Town... outdoor museum
featuring 43 railroad engines, cars...

...and other rolling stock
from the 1880s to the 1930s.

Then finally, we're off to the glitz
and glamour of Hollywood...

...for dinner at, that's right,
the Hollywood Carney's...

...a hot dog stand in a different
converted railroad dining car.

I don't think we're gonna do that.

Well, then apparently you hate fun.

Hmm? Priya's not back yet?
Well, I guess that's not unusual.

Women, men,
the whole sitting-standing deal.

So, what are we talking about?

Uh, my plans with Priya.

He rejected train day.

Did you make it clear it's two different
train cars turned into hot dog stands?


I guess he just hates fun.

That's what I said.

Okay, so, what's new with you guys?

- I have a girlfriend now.
- Hey. Good for you.

I just wanna put it out there... case I inadvertently squirt
any pheromones in your direction.


So, uh, what are your plans
while you're here?

I don't know, I just have the one day.

Do you like trains?

Not particularly.

You might as well just wait at the airport
for your flight.

"You are in a forest.

There is quicksand to the west,
a path leads to the east."

Go east.

"An iron gate blocks your way."

Open gate.

"It's locked." Hmm.

Well, so much for that.

- It's pretty late. You're still up?
- I found an emulator online...

...that lets you play classic text-based
computer games from the 1980s.

- That's pretty cool.
- Oh, yes.

It runs on the world's
most powerful graphics chip:


You've really got to get out more.

Go north.

"You can't go that way."

Go west.

"A troll blocks your passage."

Okay, fasten your seat belts.

Kill troll.

"With what?"

With sword.


"You don't have the sword."
Good golly...'s as if it's actually
happening to me.

- Raj finally went to bed.
LEONARD: Yeah...

...Sheldon's still up.

You said he goes to bed at 9.

He got caught up
in a computer game and...

Hit troll with axe.

Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe.

Oh, my, this is one tough troll.

Can't you get rid of him?

If the past is any indication, no.

SHELDON: Leonard, I'm trapped in
quicksand. The axe is dragging me down.

- Drop axe.
SHELDON: Drop axe. Brilliant.

Give me a minute.

- Sheldon.
- Hold on.

I need to figure out
how to get the bucket... I can carry the mud
past the dragon.

- You need to work in the morning.
- I know.

- Well, then bed, mister.
- Five more minutes.

Really? You'll risk getting sleepy... the middle of your thermodynamic
fluctuations seminar?

You know what happens
when you yawn in public.

Everyone will see
my oddly shaped uvula.

And you don't want that, do you?


But it's a shame our society mocks
the differently uvulated.

Who was at the door?

Uh, building manager.

Uh, they have to fix a pipe, so the water
will be off tomorrow from noon to 2.

That's unacceptable. We're supposed
to be given written notice.

No, it doesn't matter. We'll be at work.

What if I spill tomato soup
on my shirt and come home to change...

...only to find there's no water
for an enzyme soak?

Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon.

I'll have the chicken noodle.
Good night.

We're gonna have to be very quiet.

I know how to get the bucket.

I can turn the axe around
and use the handle to reach it.

Let's see...

Go north.

"You are in a forest."

Go north.

"You are in a forest."

Go north. "You are in a forest."

Oh, dear, I believe I'm lost.
I'll have to get a fresh start tomorrow.

No, no, no. You... You just need to
map it out. Come on, I'll help you.

So, uh, you stopped at the stream
and you turned north three times?

- Yes.
- You're right, you're lost. Good luck.


- Leonard, wake up.
- Huh? What...? Uh, sorry.

- For what?
- I don't know.

When I'm in bed with a girl,
it's my go-to response.

I have to get back to Raj's before
he wakes up and realizes I'm gone.

Oh, right. Sure.

- Wish you could stay a while longer.
- Hmm, me too.

You know, I was thinking.

There are some great
research facilities in India.

Where are you going with this,

Oh, I'm just saying, you know,
I don't have any real ties here... if I were to move to New Delhi,
we could, you know, go out.

Leonard, didn't we have this
conversation five years ago?

Well, yes, but things have changed.
You're older, I'm older.

Look, no more superhero bed sheets.

Sweetheart, just because we have fun
when I come to town...

...doesn't mean I want to have
a serious relationship.

- It doesn't?
- Mm-mm.

And besides, I could never bring
a white boy home to my parents.

They'd have a cow.
Which is a much bigger deal in India.

I'm not that white.

My great-great-grandmother
was half Cherokee.

That's not the right kind of Indian,
but it is something.

Ha, ha, you're funny. Ha-ha-ha.


Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.

- What?
- I heard a woman laughing.

Oh, uh, yeah. I was trying to see
if I could laugh as a woman.

Oh. Well, good job. Quite convincing.

- I smell perfume.
- Air freshener.

And is that lipstick
on your cheek and neck?

Uh, rash. That's a bad rash.

My sympathies.

I'm no stranger to the crimson scourge
that is dermatitis.

Can I interest you in a topical steroid
from my lotion and unguent collection?

Uh, yeah, yeah. That sounds great.

Very well. I'm sure I can find something
that will help you ditch that itch.

Okay, he's in the bathroom. Let's go.

Do you prefer ointment or cream?


- Cream.
- With or without a numbing agent?

- Without.
- Really, Leonard?

There are no heroes
when it comes to dermatitis.

Fine, with.

- Prescription or nonprescription?
- Use your best judgment.

Well, I think I have a nice
2009 AnaMantle HC.

It's usually indicated for
acutely inflamed hemorrhoids...

...but it also goes nicely
with non-mucosal body parts.

- Sounds great.
- Excellent choice.

Hurry. Hurry, hurry.

Come on, come on, come on.


Good morning, Sheldon.

For shame, Leonard. For shame.

And to think...

...I was ready to waste the last of
my good hemorrhoid cream on you.

Making pretty good time, huh?

Is that really what you wanna
talk about, Leonard?

- No.
- What do you wanna talk about?

Don't tell anyone I spent the night
with Raj's sister.

There it is.

What if someone asks?

No one will ask if I spent the night
with Raj's sister.


But they might ask me
something else.

Like what?

Like, "Has Leonard betrayed
any of his friends recently?"

Priya and I are both adults.
I didn't betray Raj.

In fact, you did.
But I was referring to Howard.

- What are you talking about?
- April 12, 2005.

Bob's Big Boy, Toluca Lake.

Raj had just introduced us
to Priya for the first time...

...and she was enjoying
the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion... the form of
a Bob's Super Big Boy hamburger.

In order to preserve your friendship... and Howard
made a pinkie swear...

...that neither of you
would attempt to woo her.


I had a patty melt.

Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard.

- And Raj.
- All right. And Raj.

And me.


Violation of the Roommate Agreement's
overnight guest notification clause.

Okay, fine. I'm a horrible human being.
I'm the Darth Vader of Pasadena.

You're far too short to be Darth Vader.

At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

My point is Priya's gone...

...and it would be much better
if no one else found out about us.

- You want me to keep a secret?
- Yes.

You know I can't keep a secret.

You can if you try.
Think about it this way:

Um, if I were Batman and you were Alfred,
you'd keep that secret, right?

Why do you get to be Batman?

Because, uh, Batman has the secret.

- Well, Alfred has secrets too.
- Like what?

Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon
is Batgirl.

Which I've now just told to Batman.
See, I cannot keep a secret.




It's short for:


I'm kind of busy here, Sheldon.

I know, that's why I shortened it.

What do you want?

I came to go over your alibi
for last night.

What alibi?

You've asked me to lie on your behalf,
and as you know...

...I?m deeply uncomfortable
with impromptu dishonesty.

So I've provided you
with an ironclad alibi.

You couldn't have spent last night
with Priya...

...because you were with
another woman.

Oh, I'm so sure I'm gonna regret this,
but who was I with?

The fun-loving and morally loose
Miss Maggie McGarry.

Oh, God.

You met her at Pasadena's most popular
Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's...

...where Maggie spends her nights
tending bar...

...with a head full of curls
and a heart full of dreams.

"Leonard, call me
if you're interested in coitus.

Sincerely, Maggie McGarry."

And if anyone were to actually call
that number, they will hear this:

Top of the morning to you.

You've reached Maggie McGarry.

Leave a message
after the wee little beep.


It's pretty convincing, huh?
That wasn't even a real person.

And here is the clincher.

A lock of Maggie's
flaming auburn hair.

- Where'd you get that?
- From an orangutan in the Primate Lab.

An orangutan?

Well, no one's going to run
a DNA test on it, Leonard.

Honestly, you over-think everything.

Look, Sheldon. Ugh, I don't need an alibi.

Nobody's going to ask about last night
as long as you just zip your lip.

Thank you. Now, don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine.

- Hey.
- Hey, Leonard...

...will you please tell Howard
my sister's never been attracted to him?


Well, come on, Raj, how am I supposed
to know who she's attracted to?

Or was attracted to?

Or who she might be attracted to
in the future?

And I have nothing to contribute
to this conversation...

...because I, too, know
absolutely nothing...

...about Priya's preferences
in male companionship.

And with that, I will re-zip my lip.


What did you guys think of
Caprica last night?

- I didn't see it.
- Didn't see it? Heh, what were you doing?

- L... I was out.
- What? On Caprica night?

Yeah, uh, I went for a drink.

Really? Heh, you? Where'd...?
Where'd you go?

To, uh...

...Lucky Baldwin's.

Oh, I've heard of that place.

Isn't that Pasadena's
favorite Irish watering hole?


- Yes.
- Did you meet anyone interesting there?

Perhaps a promiscuous
redheaded barmaid?

Uh, as a matter of fact, l... l...
I can't. I can't. I can't do it.

Sure, you can. You're doing fine.
It's very believable.

I'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is
I was with Priya last night.

Don't listen to him.

He's lightheaded from all the whiskey
and pickled eggs in his system.

- What were you doing with Priya?
- I believe coitus.

But more importantly, if Leonard
had not abandoned his story...

...would you have found it plausible?

- Did you...? You slept with my sister?
- Yeah.

How could you? We had a pact.

Excuse me, I think "She's my sister"...

...takes precedence over
a five-year-old pinkie swear.

May I point out in a parallel universe
your friends are saying:

"Maggie McGarry?
She sounds lovely."

Now, I admit it,
I may have crossed a line here.

But come on, Raj.
Your sister is a grown woman.

And to her,
I'm a forbidden piece of white chocolate.

I don't believe it.
This is a betrayal of my trust.

No, no, no. Would it help if I told you
that I offered her my heart...

...and she kind of stomped on it?

How hard did she stomp?

Very hard.

Okay, I'm good.

Okay, well, Raj, I just wanna say
that I'd never betray your trust.

Unlike Leonard, I respect you.

- Really?
HOWARD: Mm-hm.

Was it out of respect
that you didn't tell Raj...

...about the time you dropped
his iPhone in a urinal?

Dude, I put that thing on my face.

I think a more amusing violation
of Raj's trust... when Howard convinced him...

...that foreigners give presents
to Americans on Thanksgiving.


Hey, I didn't see you giving back
your Snoopy Sno-Cone maker.

Wait, that was all a lie?
This year's gifts are already wrapped.

As long as we're talking... about the month Sheldon spent
grinding up insects...

...and mixing them
into Leonard's food?

Well, excuse me.
That was not a betrayal.

- Oh.
- That was an experiment... determine at what concentration
food starts tasting mothy.

You put moths in my food?

For science.

I can't believe you kissed my sister
with moth mouth.

Well, uh... I can't believe you'd use
Sheldon's toothbrush.

You used my toothbrush?

Not the brush part.
Just the little rubber thing... pick food from my teeth
and massage my gums.

Okay, l... I think it's safe to say...

...that we've all done some things
we're not particularly proud of.


But come on, we're friends.

Friends overlook each other's
minor lapses.

For the record, Howard,
I'm sorry that I broke our pact.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry about your phone
and Thanksgiving.

And while we're at it, you don't have to
wash our clothes on the 4th of July.

As long as we're apologizing, Sheldon,
I'm sorry I used your toothbrush.

And I'm sorry...

...but that behavior is beyond the pale
and cannot be tolerated.

We are no longer friends.

I got you a talking Thomas
the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving.

With real puffing smoke?


All right.

But I'm watching you.


You got Snoopy out.
Can I have a snow cone?

Well, sure.

This is pretty good.
What flavor is this?


- Papaya?
- No.

- Guava?
- You're so close.

- I give up.
- Mango caterpillar.

What are you doing?

You said you liked it.