The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Hot Troll Deviation - full transcript

I'm telling you,
if xenon emits ultraviolet light...

...those dark-matter discoveries
must be wrong.

Yes, well, if we lived in a world where
slow-moving xenon produced light...

...then you'd be correct.
Also, pigs would fly...

...my derriere would produce
cotton candy...

...and The Phantom Menace
would be a timeless classic.

Oh, you're so arrogant.

If you were a superhero,
your name would be Captain Arrogant.

And you know what your superpower
would be? Arrogance.

You're wrong again.
If my superpower were arrogance...

...my name would be Dr. Arroganto.



I love watching Raj and Sheldon
try to work together, heh.

Yeah. It's like if Alien and Predator
decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

(HOWARD CHUCKLES)

Has it occurred to you you're missing
the big picture? If you look...

- Penny? Penny?
- What's up?

Nothing. I just wanted
to make Raj stop talking.

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

No, no, no. He won. Suck it up.

PENNY:
I'd ask if you want dessert...

...but Sheldon doesn't eat dessert
on Tuesdays.

If Raj wanted something,
he couldn't tell me.

Howard won't order anything,
but he'll come up with some comment...

...involving the words "pie"
or "cheesecake."

Leonard's lactose intolerant.
He can't eat anything here...



...without his intestines blowing up
like a balloon animal.

- Hang on. I could have the fruit platter.
- You want the fruit platter?

- Does it have melon?
- Yeah.

No, I can't eat melon.

Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend
just came in for her shift.

- When was the last time you saw her?
- Not since we broke up. Wow.

How am I gonna play this?

Sophisticated and relaxed?
Friendly, noncommittal?

Cold and distant?

- Hi, guys.
- Hey.

Hello.

I see you decided
to go with pathetic and frightened.

It's one of his best moves.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)

So, my dear, we meet again.

- Hello, Howard. I've missed you.
- Heh.

I've missed you, Katee Sackhoff.

- One question.
- Anything.

Why am I wearing my
Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?

Why are you in bed with me?

I mean, if we start to question this,
it all falls apart.

Sorry.

(KATEE CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, ravish me, Howard.
My loins ache for you.

Okay, if you insist.

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
Howard, have you seen my girdle?

No, Ma!

I can't find it, and I'm late
for my Weight Watchers meeting!

Maybe it committed suicide!
Leave me alone!

(SIGHS)

Now, where were we?

I believe you were about to rip off
my uniform with your teeth.

Bernadette. What are you doing here?

Well, if I had to guess, I'd say I'm here
because you saw me this evening...

...and you're still hung up on me.
- No, I'm not.

KATEE:
Clearly you are.

Otherwise, based on past experience,
we'd be done by now.

Okay, I'm a little confused here.

Oh, my. Can I help?

- Not that kind of confused.
- What's George Takei doing here?

Howard, do you have latent
homosexual tendencies?

- Of course not.
- So you say, yet here I am.

George, let me ask you something.

How did you deal with being typecast
as a science-fiction icon?

It's difficult. You try and stretch
as an actor, do Strindberg, O'Neill...

...but all they want is,
"Course laid in, captain."

Tell me about it. It's frakking frustrating.

Wait, Katee. Why are you leaving?

She's leaving
because you really wanna be with me.

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Howard,
I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!

Great, Ma!

MRS. WOLOWITZ:
I think it shrunk!

I'm spilling out
like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!

And with that mental picture,
I think we're done for the evening.

You never told me what happened
between you and Bernadette.

- I did a stupid thing, heh.
- Yeah, I guessed that.

It was the kind of thing that makes it
kind of hard to face her now, heh.

That covers anything from farting in bed
to killing a homeless guy.

Oh, my God, you ran over a hobo.

No. And stop asking.

Fine. You wanna get back
together with her.

You're too ashamed to face her
because of whatever it is you did.

- In a nutshell.
- Okay, well, how about this?

Kidnap Bernadette from the opera
wearing a creepy mask...

...so she doesn't know it's you.

Now, you see,
I don't know if you're kidding or not.

You're being unreasonable.
Why can't I have a desk?

Our collaboration is a work of the mind.
We don't need desks.

- You have a desk.
- Correct.

- But I can't have one.
- You're two for two.

- Why can't he have a desk?
- Oh, Lord, will this day never end?

As I've explained repeatedly
to Dr. Koothrappali...

...whose ability to comprehend
the American idiom...

...fails him when it's convenient,
there's no money in my budget...

...for additional office furniture.

Oh. But there's money
for a drawer full of Red Vines...

...a marshmallow-shooting rifle...

...and a super-executive ant farm
with glow-in-the-dark sand?

Yes.

- What if he buys his own desk?
- What if I buy my own desk?

- That's ridiculous.
- Why?

Because...

Yes?

- It's my office.

- Sheldon.
- All right, all right.

- He can buy his own desk.
- And I can put it in your office?

Well, you really wanna dot the I's...

...and cross the T's, don't you?
- Why would you want...

...a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
- They do their best work at night.

(SNIFFS)

Ah, it's okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

SHELDON:
Penny.

Penny.

Penny.

SHELDON (ON RECORDING):
Penny.

Would you have opened the door
if you knew it was me?

Not since I found out the teddy bear
you gave me had a webcam in it.

I just have a question.
Uh, does Bernadette ever talk about me?

- Yeah. Absolutely.
- She does?

Yeah, sure. Just yesterday, she asked,
"Why is Howard hiding under the table?"

- She saw that, huh?
- Oh, no, not at first.

Right after I pointed it out.

Let me ask you something else.
Is she seeing anybody?

Uh, not that I know of.

While we're on the subject,
why did you guys break up, anyway?

- Oh. I'd rather not say, heh.
- Howard, if you want my help...

...I've gotta know what happened.
- It's embarrassing.

Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.

Okay, well,
you know "World of Warcraft"?

The online game? Sure.

Well, did you know...

...that the characters in the game
can have sex with each other?

Oh, God.
I think I see where this is going.

Her name was Glissinda the Troll.

Bernadette walked in on me...

...while we were doing the cyber-nasty
under the Bridge of Souls.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you're right. That is so embarrassing.

- Would you talk to her?
- Bernadette or the troll?

Bernadette. She was so mad at me, she
wouldn't listen to my side of the story.

Well, what was your side?

For all we know, Glissinda the Troll
wasn't even a real woman.

She could've been
a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey.

Really?
And that didn't make her feel better?

Will you talk to her?

See if there's any chance
we could get back together?

Uh, gee, Howard, I really don't wanna
get in the middle of this.

No. Why would you?

I'm just another lonely nerd
living with his mother...

...trying to find
any scrap of happiness he can.

Maybe to make up for the fact
that his dad left them when he was 11.

Okay, I will think about it.

You know, I've always blamed myself
for him leaving.

I always thought it was
because I wasn't the son he wanted.

I said I'd think about it.

I wasn't athletic.
Yeah, I was kind of sickly...

Okay, fine.
Look, look, I'm calling her now. See?

Thank you.

Howard asked Penny
to talk to Bernadette, and she did.

Bernadette agreed to meet him
for a cup of coffee.

- One question.
- Yeah?

Why on earth
are you telling me all this?

I don't know. Sometimes
your movements are so lifelike...

...I forget you're not a real boy.

(THUD)

You said I could buy a desk.

This isn't a desk.
This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.

Is that the American idiom
for "giant, big-ass desk"?

It's actually British.

- Can you say it again for me?
- Brobdingnagian.

- One more time.
- Brobdingnagian.

- Now three times fast.
- Brobdingnagian. Brobdingna...

How did you even get it in here?

That's for me, Ramone, Julio, Jesus,
and Rodrigo to know...

...and you to find out.

All right, you've made your point.

A fine prank. Very amusing. Ha-ha-ha.

Now get it out.

- No.
- Yes.

- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

I have three brothers and two sisters,
Sheldon. I can do this all day.

All right, if you're not going to
remove it, I'll remove it for you.

Knock yourself out.

- Help me move my desk.
- No.

- Yes. Yes.
- No. No.

It's too Brobdingnagian.

Why do you even want this here?

Its size is completely disproportionate
to its purpose.

Well, seeing as its purpose was
to piss you off, I'd say it's spot-on.

All right, I see what's going on.

This is the opening salvo
in what will be an escalating series...

...of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges.
Well titted.

- Thank you.
- Stand by for my upcoming tat.

- Hey, Sheldon?
- Yes?

No.

See what I did there? I turned it around.

- Sorry. I had to clock out.
- Oh, no, that's okay. Ahem.

- How have you been?
- Okay. You know, busy. School, work.

- You?
- Same.

I took a scuba-diving course
over the summer...

...but it turns out
I'm terrified of the ocean.

That's too bad.

You wouldn't know anybody who
wants to buy a wet suit? Boys' large.

Yeah, forget it. Not important.

Ahem. So are you seeing anyone?

- To be honest...
- Hey, how are we doing over here?

- Can I get you something to drink?
- Uh, not for me.

- I'm okay.
- Are you gonna order food?

- Maybe later.
- Okay.

- So are you seeing anybody?
- No.

That's what I told him when
he asked me. I hope that's not out of line.

- No, it's fine.
- Heh, Penny, can we have a little privacy?

- Oh, heh, I'm sorry.
- Heh.

What about you?
Have you been seeing anybody?

Well, I mean, you know how it is
with guys. We have needs, and... Heh.

- So you've been seeing other girls?
- Well, uh, not real girls.

(HOWARD CHUCKLES)

Does that mean slutty trolls?

You look thirsty.
I brought you some iced tea.

- Thank you.
- It's passion fruit. New on the menu.

- I know. I work here.
PENNY: Oh.

Yeah, you're right. Doy.
So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay?

- Isn't there somewhere else you can be?
- Not where I can hear you guys.

Okay, fine. Look, I'll admit, heh...

...there are dark, sordid little corners
of the Internet...

...where the name Wolowizard
is whispered in hushed tones.

But the only reason I go there,
the only reason I've ever gone there...

...is because I don't have a real woman
in my life.

- You happy?
- Yeah. That'll hold me for a while.

Howard, you did have a real woman.

I was right there in the next room while
you were clicking that troll's brains out.

Yeah, but we weren't, heh...
I mean, you and I never...

- Had sex?
- Yeah.

- Well, whose fault was that?
- Complimentary nachos.

You enjoy.

Never had sex? Wow.

What do you mean,
whose fault was that?

We could've been having sex,
but you never made the move.

I didn't think you wanted me
to make the move.

Howard, a girl doesn't go out with a man
like you, with your looks...

...your fancy patter,
and your tight hoochie pants...

...if she's not expecting him
to eventually make the move.

- Really?
- Really.

Son of a bitch.

This is a little awkward...

...but my manager says
I can't actually give nachos away...

...so just take that when you're ready.

I mean, we had a really great talk.

We're gonna start seeing
each other again.

Oh, congratulations.

Have you broken it to the troll yet?

- Did Penny tell you about that?
- No, Steve Patterson told me.

The greasy old fat guy
in Facilities Management?

- Yeah.
- How'd he know about it?

He's Glissinda the Troll.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS)

RAJESH: Sorry, dude.
The thermostat's on my side of the room...

...so it stays Mumbai hot in here until
you turn off that stupid Indian music!

SHELDON: I'll turn off the music when you
get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet.

RAJESH: Oh, too bad.
Sheldon's pathologically afraid of birds.

Hey, look, Sheldon.
Birdie, birdie, birdie.

SHELDON:
That's it. Prepare for marshmallow death.

RAJESH:
Eat flaming Nerf!

(RAJESH IMITATING MACHINE GUN)

So, anyway...

That's great news
about you and Bernadette.

- I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.
- Oh.

I guess, for you guys,
that's like regular golf.

Short jokes? Really? You're like
a quarter of an inch taller than me.

Yeah, and don't you forget it.

- I had a good time.
- Me too.

Kiss her good night.

- All right, now a little tongue.
- Hold on there.

We've only just rekindled the romance.

Let's not sully the moment
with the exchange of saliva.

Don't listen to him. She wants it. Tongue.

(BABBLING)

See?

- Now make the move.
- Mm-mm. Too soon.

Trust me, she's ready. Make the move.

No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed...

...courted slowly.

How would you know?

I read.

Listen to me, Howard.
It's time. Make the move, now.

(BERNADETTE GRUNTS)

- What are you doing?
- You said... Well, the move, heh, remember?

Well, not now.
We're starting a new relationship.

- I need to get to know you again.
- No, you don't. It's me.

The lusty charmer with the fancy patter
and the hoochie pants.

Be patient. We'll get there.

Told you.

Oh, God, what is that smell?

Oh, oh, ooh.

SHELDON:
Yes?

- What are you doing in there?
- I'm making hydrogen sulfide...

...and ammonia gas.

Just a little experiment in pest control.

RAJESH: It's not gonna work, dude.
I grew up in India...

...a subcontinent
where cows walk in the street...

...and nobody has ever had
a solid bowel movement.

SHELDON: Well, we'll just see
how long you can hold out.

We'll just see
how your noxious gas fares...

...against my cinnamon-apple-scented
aromatherapy candles.

Didn't you say you're making
hydrogen sulfide gas?

- Yes.
- Isn't that flammable?

SHELDON:
Highly.

Oh, dear.

(EXPLOSION)

This is not over.

(BIRD CHIRPS)