The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Zazzy Substitution - full transcript

Following his 'breakup' with Amy, the gang become concerned with Sheldon's obsessive search for non-human companionship and call his mother to intervene.

All right.
I'm ready for my next question.

In a world where rhinoceroses
are domesticated pets...

...who wins the Second World War?

- Uganda.
- Defend.

Kenya rises to power
on the export of rhinoceroses.

A central African power block is formed
colonizing North Africa and Europe.

When war breaks out,
no one can afford the luxury of a rhino.

Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

Correct. My turn.

In a world where a piano is a weapon,
not a musical instrument...

...on what does Scott Joplin
play the "Maple Leaf Rag."

- Tuned bayonets.
- Defend.

- Isn't it obvious?
- You're right, my apologies.

What the hell are you guys playing?

It's a game we invented.
It's called Counterfactuals.

We postulate an alternate world
that differs from ours in one aspect...

...then pose questions to each other.
- It's fun for ages 8 to 80. Join us.

All right. I like a good brainteaser.
I'll give it a whirl.

You're in luck. This is an easy one.

In a world where mankind is ruled
by a giant intelligent beaver...

...what food is no longer consumed.


A BLT where the B stands for beaver?
I don't know.

Leonard, be serious.
We're playing a game here.

Ahem, I can figure this out. Let's see.


Well, beavers eat tree bark.

The only tree bark I know
that humans consume is cinnamon.

- So I'll say cinnamon.
- Incorrect.

Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.

- What?
- In a world ruled by a giant beaver...

...mankind builds many dams
to please the beaver overlord.

The low-lying city of Copenhagen
is flooded, thousands die...

...devastated, the Danes never invent
their namesake pastry.

How does one miss that?

This is ridiculous.
You're just making stuff up.

Is he always like this when he loses?

Oh, yes. You should have been here
for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.

You bumped the table
and you know it.

Perhaps it would be kinder to play
a game more suited to his abilities.

We'll close our eyes and count to ten
while you hide.

I'm going to my room.

Very good, Leonard. But next time,
don't tell us where you're hiding.

See the paper in The American
Physics Journal on supersolids?

This guy's working
from a hypothesis where...

- Spoiler alert, spoiler alert.
- What?

Don't ruin it for me, man.
I printed out a PDF to read on the potty.

On the potty? What are you, 5?

- It's a potty. What do you call it?
- Toilet.

A little vulgar for the dinner table,
don't you think?

Oh, and potty is okay?

Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.

What do you do in the potty,

If I don't have to boom-boom.


- Uh, you all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.
LEONARD: Sure, hi.

- Hello.
- Sorry we're late.

I must take responsibility. I had to stop
for feminine hygiene supplies.


I believe she's experiencing her menses.

Actually, I'm not.
In order to avoid surprises...

...I wear them all the time.

Toilet's sounding
pretty good now, huh?

Hey, look, it's Shamy.

- Shamy?
- A juvenile amalgamation of our names.

Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.


I don't like that. Don't do that.

Heh. Alrighty. What's new?

Recently, I learned that you refer to us
as Shamy and I don't like that.

I got it. But what I was going for was,
you know, how's your life?

Like everybody else's.

Subject to entropy,
decay and eventual death.

Thank you for asking.
Why is she not taking our order?

I should have warned you.

One has to navigate
a labyrinth of social nonsense...

...before one can be fed here.

I assumed that an establishment
called the Cheesecake Factory...

...would function more efficiently.

It's how they lure you in.
I believe it's called "bait and switch."

Okay, I'm just gonna walk away
because I don't wanna be here.


So this is nice. First time
we've all gotten together to eat.

You're right, he's a festival
of humdrum chitchat.

Okay, that's all I got.
Howard, you're up.

- Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
- I doubt you'd understand.

Sheldon tells me
you only have a Master's degree.

Raj? Do you have
any questions for Amy?

I'm curious as to why
we're not eating alone.

They can't function without me.

I'm the social glue
that holds this little group together.

You're welcome.

Listen, can I talk to you
about your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

She's a girl and she's my friend...

...but there's no touching...

...or unsanitary exchange of saliva.

Got it.

Although, on one occasion...

...she licked her thumb
to remove raspberry jelly...

...from the corner of my mouth.

It was an action
we both regret to this day.

Uh-huh. Anyway. I'm not sure
she's the best fit...

...for our little, how should we call it,
rebel alliance.

Oh, I never identified
with the Rebel Alliance.

Despite their tendency
to build Death Stars...

...I've always been
more of an Empire man.

- Yeah, not my point.
- I know what your point is.

You're intimidated by Amy's intellect.
To that, I say buck up.

Okay, let me just get right to it.

Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious
and frankly, just obnoxious.


So we already have you for all that.

Are you suggesting
I terminate my relationship with Amy?

No, no, of course not. Just have
your relationship someplace else.

May I point out
that for eight long months...

...I suffered in silence
as your female companion...

...filled our apartment with her off-key
country music caterwauling...

...the unappetizing spectacle
of her grinding a pumice stone...

...against her calloused feet
in our living room...

...and night after night
of uninformative TV documentaries...

...about the Jersey Shore.

Suffered in silence?


And I'd thank you to do the same.

Real... Silence?

Ah. Nothing makes beer taste better...

...than cool clear
Rocky Mountain spring water.

Where are the Rocky Mountains?


I thought
they were out west someplace.

Think about it, Raj.
Where did the movie Rocky take place?


Okay, now I get it.

So this is the plan? We're gonna
hide out here to avoid the Shamy?

I'm very comfortable here.

Penny, dear, why don't you shoot
another Silver Bullet my way.

Get one yourself.

Ooh, somebody's been
taking bitchy pills.

God, he's an ass when he drinks.

Well, he's an ass when he doesn't.
You just don't hear it.

We need to start entertaining
the possibility...

...Shamy could go on for years.

If that's the case,
Penny will get satellite TV...

...and maybe once a week,
run a vacuum through this place.

I thought
you were gonna talk to Sheldon?

- I did.
- Well, what did he say?

Well, he pointed out that he kind of,
sort of, had to put up with you.

- Kind of, sort of, had to?
- Well, I didn't agree with him.

- Well, you defended me, right?
- I tried, but...

He made
a fairly well-reasoned argument.


- You're not doing that right.
- What?

- Give me.
- No.

- No, trust me.
- No.

I do this for my Mom all the time.

See? With the grain.

Wow, that is better.

And someday,
when you have varicose veins...

...I'll show you
how to massage them.

Oh, God, never again.

I assume you mean never again
will you drink all of Penny's beer... to the gas station
for a couple of 40s...

...a box of Slim Jims and the latest issue
of Bombay Badonkadonks.

I was homesick.

The highlight
was when you showed us...

...your Bollywood
break-dancing skills.


- That's very offensive.
- Yeah, we all thought so.

LEONARD: Oh, no.
- What?

John and Yoko.

More like Yoko and Yoko.

- Greetings.

I brought Amy here
to show her some of the work I'm doing.

It's very impressive.
For theoretical work.

Do I detect a hint of condescension?

I'm sorry, was I being too subtle?

I meant compared to the real-world
applications of neurobiology...

...theoretical physics is... What's the word
I'm looking for? Hmm, cute.


Are you suggesting the work
of a neurobiologist like Babinski...

...could ever rise to the significance
of a physicist... Clerk Maxwell or Dirac?

I'm stating it outright.

Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast
and defecates Clerk Maxwell.

You take that back.

Absolutely not. My colleagues and I
map the neurological substrates...

...that subserve
global information processing...

...which is required for cognitive
reasoning, including scientific inquiry...

...making my research, ipso facto,
prior in the ordo cognoscendi.

That means it's better than his research,
and by extension, of course, yours.

I'm sorry, I'm still trying to work...

...on the "defecating
Clerk Maxwell." So...

Excuse me, but a grand unified theory,
insofar as it explains everything...

...will, ipso facto,
explain neurobiology.

But if successful, I will map
and reproduce your thought processes... deriving a grand unified theory.

And therefore, subsume your conclusions
under my paradigm.

That's the rankest psychologism...

...and was conclusively revealed
as hogwash... Gottlob Frege
in the 1890s.

- We appear to have reached an impasse.
- I agree.

I move our relationship
terminate immediately.

- Seconded.
- There being no objections?

No. Uh-uh.

The motion carries.

- Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.
- Good day, Sheldon Cooper.

Women, huh?

Can't live with them, can't successfully
refute their hypotheses.

Amen to that.

- Hey, Sheldon.
- Hello.

I hear you broke up with Amy.

A breakup would imply
she was my girlfriend.

She was a girl who was my friend
who is now a girl who is not my friend.

Wow, that's, like,
the worst country song ever.

So how are you doing?

- Regarding what?
- Amy.

I don't follow.

Well, breakups...

...or whatever the hell this is,
can be tough.

Penny, I assure you, I'm fine.

My relationship with Amy
was purely intellectual.

There were no emotional bonds...

...the severing of which
would cause me any discomfort.

The relationship simply outlived
its utility...

...and I'm continuing on
with my life as before.

Okay. Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to buy a pussycat.

I gotta tell you guys,
I'm a little worried about Sheldon.

We're all a little worried
about Sheldon.

No. I mean, since the Shamy
hit a reef.

Oh, I thought you were
making a generalization.

I'm worried about Sheldon someday
setting off a low-yield nuclear device...

...because the cafeteria
ran out of lime Jell-O.

- What does "hit a reef" mean?
- Uh, went splitsville.

- Pardon?
- Turned to boom-boom.


I think Sheldon really misses Amy.

You should lend him your copy
of Bombay Badonkadonks.

- He got a cat to keep him company.
- You're kidding.

He takes it everywhere.
To bed, to the bathroom.

He takes the kitty to the potty?

I thought we discussed the P-word.

Don't try to change me, dude.
I am what I am.

- Oh, gentlemen.

Oh, ho, ho.

Aren't you gonna introduce us
to your little friend?

My apologies. Raj, Howard, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
the father of the atomic bomb...

...wants a saucer of milk.

Okay, I get it.
We're worried about Sheldon.


Hey. Oh, no.

Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.

So you decided to get
the whole Manhattan Project?

Yes. This is Enrico Fermi,
Richard Feynman...

...Edward Teller, Otto Frisch.

- Zazzles.
- Zazzles?

I was going to name him
Hermann von Helmholtz...

...but he's so zazzy.

- Okay, we need to talk.
- About what?

Cats, Sheldon.

You're clearly upset
about Amy being gone...

...and you're trying to replace her
with cats.

- Clowder.
- What?

- Group of cats is a clowder or a glaring.
- Okay, yeah...

It's the kind of thing you ought to know
now that we have one.

Terrific. My point is, you need to face up
to what you're feeling with this breakup.

It wasn't a breakup. A breakup
would imply that Amy was...

Okay, I got it.
She's not your girlfriend.

Now, listen to me.
I know about loneliness.

I know about trying
to replace someone with other stuff.

When I broke up with Penny,
I got back into my cello...

...built a bunch of model rockets.

I got those weightlifting gloves
and that five-pound dumbbell.

You didn't break up, she dumped you.

She didn't dump me. It was mutual.

- I was there. She dumped you.
- Okay, fine.

Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy.
She had dozens of them.

And you know what happened
after she died? They ate her.

You don't have to sell me on cats,
Leonard. I'm already a fan.

All right, fellas,
who's in the mood for Fancy Feast?

Well, that's not fancy at all.

Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Thanks for coming.

- Where is he?
- He's in his bedroom.

Now, when you said on the phone
"he broke up with a girl"... meant an actual girl...

...not something
you kids whipped up in a lab?

- No, she's real.
- Did they sin?

No, no. It's not like that. It's, uh...

I don't know it's like.

There is something
I should prepare you for.

Oh, relax, Leonard,
I have raised that boy.

I've seen him at his best,
seen him at his worst.

There's nothing he can do
that'll surprise me.

Hold on to that thought.

Come in.



Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.

My, my, that's a powerful smell.

I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer,
Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf...

Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats...

...and you gave them
cute Jewish names.

- What are you doing here?
- Leonard called.

He said that you were pining
for a young lady.

Oh, that's preposterous.
I'm not pining over anyone.

Oh, lamb chop,
we can quibble what to call it...

...but I think
we can both agree it's creepy.

I do not agree.

Cats make wonderful companions.

They don't argue
or question my intellectual authority.

And this little guy here,
I think you'll find to be quite zazzy.

- You should have called sooner.
- Yeah.

Shelly. Dinner's ready.

SHELDON: Coming.
- No cats.


- What is she doing here?
- I called her.

Your mother thinks
you might be losing your mind over me.

As a neurobiologist, I was curious.

Well, rest assured,
I am in full possession of my faculties.

Twenty-five cats!


God bless you, dear.

Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk.

You're not fooling me.
Whenever you say we have to talk... means you want me to listen.

- Then stop talking.
- Yes, ma'am.

Now, the reason I called Amy over...

...was to find out
what type of person she is.

And after chatting a bit...

...I have to say that while she is
a perfectly unique young woman... two are definitely
not suited for each other.

That's a peculiar conclusion.

By any standard,
Amy is more similar to me...

...than anyone I've ever met.

Oh, I'm sorry, Shelly, I can't see it.

Well, whether you see it or not
is irrelevant.

I can't see subatomic particles,
but nevertheless, they're there.

- Excellent point.
- A physics point.


Well, putting aside the pig Latin...'s a good that you decided
to end the relationship... I didn't have to end it for you.

Amy, after consideration,
I believe we may have acted rashly.

I propose we resume our relationship
and attempt to resolve our differences.

Only if you stipulate...

...80 percent of our difficulties
were caused by you.

- I'll go as high as 40.
- 65.


You understand we deal with the fact
that my mother does not approve?

I do.

I find being cast in the role of bad girl
oddly titillating.

- Would you like to see my cats?
- I would.

I love cats.
They're the epitome of indifference.

Ah. Then you may find Zazzles
a little cloying.

I saw what you did there.

He thinks he's such a smarty pants,
he's no different from any man.

Tell them not to do something,
that's all they wanna do.

If I hadn't told my brother Stumpy
not to clear the wood chipper by hand...

...we'd still be calling him Edward.

Now, don't you move,
I'll bring over all the food.

No, no, no, I can do it.

Well, isn't that sweet?


Thank you, Amy.

Here's your cat.

And here's your $20.


Thank you, Amy.
Here's your cat.

And here's your $20.